Junior pageants nude

cw: csa
the cps investigation against my dad just ended (it should've happened way earlier and not now that I'm almost an adult but he was a rlly prestigious beloved person in my community and everyone I asked for help was one of his colleagues so no one cared abt anything but making everyone look good) and I've been told that the report says that I was neglected by domestic violence, enmeshed with my dad, someone sexually abused me regularly in my childhood, and they think it was him. I think the biggest problem that has always dictated my life is that every single day I have brief but recurrent periods of extreme suicidality that for no obvious reason have an underlying anger, hopelessness, dread, or a mixture. I've had chronic migraines every day my whole life too and these can coincide with each other a lot of the time
I can't do any of my schoolwork bc I spend my whole day every day working towards whatever ambition I feel will actually combat those feelings for me and I usually go to sleep hoping that I'll just die mysteriously so I can stop trying so hard but I never do as long as I'm still here, when I was a little girl trying to find sex or a relationship at school and now that I'm working it's much harder bc it manifests in me being obsessed with more and more of my modeling/singing/performing (Ik🙄) always thinking abt pageants, the best agencies, more producers and just tirelessly pushing to blow it up as big as possible before I'm satisfied and can finally kms
I still occasionally get obsessed with some magical relationship ideal with an individual person who usually decides I'm unhinged and completely abandons me but I'm mostly just sex obsessed in general and aim for as much seductive enviable image power as I can have over as many ppl as I can reach. before the investigation rlly started my mom talked to a social worker on the phone who allegedly said that everything abt my beliefs and behaviors adds up to me having been molested and the horrible but very brief moods I have on and off every day are probably me unknowingly remembering shame from being molested. my therapists always just said I had a mood disorder or developmental problem and dropped me so this is new to me but maybe it's finally the answer
I looked it up and I'm assuming that the social worker was talking abt emotional flashbacks but I put it in heavy quotes bc I'm never sure if I'm right abt anything. does anyone have any advice for what you can do in this state or your own insight into what I'm experiencing? personal experiences? btw apologies for writing this post haphazardly. I would usually be a richer writer but I just can't even bother rn. I don't even rlly know if I believe what the report says bc I used to strip and send out nudes for older guys all the time and my relationship with my dad was definitely completely boundariless in all ways but I have no memory or proof of any assault. there's definitely proof that he's a pervert in general and Ik he is but I can't remember having any emotions towards him but pure unbridled tenderness for a long time even though when I listen to recordings of him from when he lived here he was the opposite of how I picture him in almost any memory I have, completely unsympathetic and violent