Okay so I started working at this local pizza restaurant about a month ago, and there have been a lot of questionable things about this place. It's my first job working as a server, so I wanted some advice from other servers.
The first thing Id like to mention is that it is a family owned business, which was something that I liked in the beginning. The management here, however, is very disorganized and there are two main managers that are constantly fighting with each other. The managers are also constantly getting after the servers about everything, and they don't stand behind their servers when there is a problem. For example, on my second day working there, I had a lady at a table tell me she wanted a salad, but then went up to my manager and told her she wanted a lasagna. My manager did not apologize to her, but instead said something along the lines of "yeah she's new but i don't know what is wrong with her," referring to me. I was too busy at the time to realize how messed up this was but this rubbed me the wrong way.
The next incident happened with a lady that came in with her mom to dine in, and did not pay her entire bill before leaving. When my manager saw the bill, he said that I should have seen that she didn't pay before leaving (however she left after I told her she still owed a certain amount). My manager ended up taking the money out of my tips for the day, because he had no other way to close the check or something along those lines. The lady ended up coming back and I ended up getting the money, but it took a few times of her coming into the restaurant for them to get the money to me.
Additionally, one of my managers is incredibly cheap with everything. If someone were to have extra pizza left over, he wants us to give them smaller boxes because the larger cardboard boxes are more expensive. Any chance he gets to upcharge somebody, he will, and he will get after the servers if we don't charge for absolutely everything (like extra dressing, sauce, etc). I understand this mostly because things are expensive nowadays, but not giving customers a pizza box is a little crazy.
I've also spent my last two sunday shifts doing nothing but cleaning. My previous Sunday shift my manager had me cleaning everything in the restaurant while also serving tables. She was also cleaning ceiling fans while guests were eating. My most recent Sunday shift I made only $8 in tips in 4 hours. I only had two tables all day. I am only working on the weekends, so this was really disappointing. On the other two days, I make okay tips, maybe $80 for five hours of work. From what I've seen from other people my tips seem pretty low. This place specifically charges a lot for their dishes, but the tips are super low. This weekend I did pretty good besides Sunday, however it is just not enough for me.
There are also just a bunch of tiny things that happen with mismanagement in general. There is not much communication and I was still holding out hope that things would get better soon. Some people I have talked to so far have said I have more than enough reason to quit, but I've been hesitant about it because I have become so familiar with the menu already (it has over like 50 items). So I wanted to get some advice on whether or not I should just leave and find a new place, or try to stick it out here until I go back to school in the fall.

I already loved BOTW despite making a long whishlist out of it, because what it focused on made it worth coming back for years. I have completed most of TOTK and have let thoughts settle. I think it improves many things over BOTW and adds incredible stuff. Still here I'll focus on what bugged me, because having waited for so long, and having so much to it also means frustrations here and there and a lot of potential for whatever comes next. Hopefully this is constructive.

World & Scope

I expected the sky to be a proper "sky world" but while I love the aesthetic and ambiance, it's mostly small repetitive sky segments. I'm not addressing sky temples here, only the general overworld for casual exploration and discovery. The big structures that gave Wind Waker vibes from afar fall into a few categories of quick challenges, without many unique finds on them. The rest are copy-pasted platforms with slight variations for a shrine, a map, a few resources, a construct or gleeok. I really hoped in the beginning that the Great Sky Island wouldn't be the only ambitious one, and it was by far.
I expected underground to be secondary, maybe with some underwater. We got the "mirror" depths and many caves, which are impressive but daunting and not really varied. To be clear, they're definitely part of my addiction to the game, so they definitely have value. Some amazing spots and intense encounters, exploration in the dark was surprising and awesome. But I'd take a smaller extra map for a few more big unique moments.
Red herrings in marketing can be double-edged. Especially after going through Skyward Sword recently, reminding of its shortcomings for the sky intended as a focus, only to see the most fully realized open world version do little more with most of its real estate. I do enjoy what's there but hype can be a b*tch.
Quick word on underwater, yes we were a lot to expect or wish for it, personally what they decided to focus on is just as interesting, in parts more, it doesn't have to be the obvious choice and it can't be everything. I did find it suspicious (though funny) that one NPC got my hopes up when mentioning a flooded well which was just about waiting for the rain to stop, or when Bolson had underwater exploration as a suggestion for new activities which is of course denied. It could be a big deal but they had great stuff instead so no biggie.

Main challenges

I expected traditional dungeons adapted to the open world, we got... an interesting version of that. The environments and ambiance are unique, the lead-up segments were great but puzzles were oddly trivial with terminals.
To me the Wind Temple is the best of the four big ones. Fairly simple but really fun parkour, epic and ominous ambiance (some of the best music), a mind-blowing moment that perfectly combines the build up, the trampoline mechanic to go above the eye of the storm, and the heavily marketed skydiving mechanic to go through a stunning introduction. The terminal puzzles remain on the weaker side when thinking about "big dungeons" but in this game I liked their integration best. Colgera is great and so is the music once again. The myth about flying boats is properly brought up and ends up happening before our eyes, the most compelling one IMO. Unfortunately that was also the temple teased the most by Nintendo and suggested to be done first.
By contrast the three others were less impressive * For the Fire Temple, we're told about this mysterious ancient city Gorondia, we go up Death Mountain, fight a cool godzilla miniboss, dive through one of the most epic world building reveals. Then it's all about mine carts, like many people I got confused about some "puzzle" parts and rushed with climbing and ascend. The boss was ok but a pretty underwhelming payoff. * For the Water Temple, I don't have anything against it and low gravity is fun. Interesting lead-up and architecture, but the terminals and boss felt underwhelming. * For the Lightning Temple nothing negative either, the boss introduction and fight were more remarkable, the setting was great, but I can't say I remember going through puzzle rooms.
The Spirit Temple is a highlight by how it integrates a cool quest that spans multiple locations, a multi-part puzzle, a unique item / ability / boss / reward and lore.
The Great Deku Tree had a nice integration with the Depths, really cool to realize how deep his roots are. But it's mostly some environmental lore, a reused Phantom Ganon fight and a short memory, then it's Korok Forest as usual. I could see a Forest Temple if other temples had been more consistently fleshed out.

Secondary challenges

As mentioned before, lots of sky islands have the same minimalist repetitive nature. There are a few big vertical ones that still feel limited: short skydiving challenges. Looking at the art and trailers I had come to expect maybe a couple villages, at least occasional unique NPCs, or more unique finds. It gives the impression of bloated structures for the sake of recognizable landmarks, without much to give in the end. There's that one with an obscurity puzzle, despite the same aesthetic as anywhere else it at least stands out. Maybe I'm underplaying the focus on the "journey more than the destination" this time around, while I was all about that in BOTW, maybe I figured out too quickly how to optimize travel and put too much expectation on what I'd find there. But they're really sparse, unlike the surface and depths which could hide something at any corner, so I'm not sure I was in the wrong mindset.
Zonai mazes are pretty fun but yet another type of major landmark with underwhelming payoff. I liked how they address the fact that most BOTW players already completed the surface with in-game explorers leaving a trail. Getting to the sky portion is nice but nothing unique. Once there it's fun to fly around but I didn't feel challenged to reach glowing points on the map. There's one instance where the map isn't enough with walls blocking on all sides, so you have to dive and go back up on the other side. But it doesn't seem like one of those open-ended challenges where you make it as tough as you want. Unless you want to stay blind and bump against every single wall of the maze, you're meant to use the map which makes it trivial. It felt like they had settled to make mazes as landmarks, and added the standard terminal fetch quests as an afterthought. Then the idea of diving back down into the depths is neat, but here again I had mixed feelings with the outcome. It happens three times which seems like a manageable amount for a conclusion specific to these places, so coming across yet another flux construct and BOTW DLC item isn't too exciting.
The fact that they repurpose DLC content for "ancient lore" discovery isn't a big deal and can even be great if well integrated. But a lot of these felt underwhelming, with random placement which emphasizes "repurposed DLC" more than proper "ancient lore", and the fact that many of us have been using these for years now. So instead of feeling like long-lost meaningful items, it feels like accessing parts of your previous save file bit by bit. I don't know what could be in their place, I'm just saying how it felt.

Wildlife

I noticed almost nothing new with animals which were such a novelty for immersion in BOTW. Except the harness and perks at stables, but horses are as stiff as ever and even less valuable now. I doesn't take away what was already in BOTW, but the sky, undergrounds, verticality and vehicles drastically diminish the presence of animals.
I didn't like how some NPCs tease the mysterious creature Zelda was seen with, only to be what dondons turned out to be, some version of what we saw her ride in the first trailer. Nothing special besides feeding them rocks. I can appreciate that the dondons quest is a play on rumors which is a quite nice trope in this game, but there's also a few unique mounts that also start as gossip and turn out to be real, so I did let myself hope it would be more than a cute stationary animal.
Also I understand why we didn't get loftwings but that goes with wanting a grander sky world.

Lore

The lore and presentation are more epic, but we don't really learn anything valuable that isn't reusing previous tropes. I won't bother speculating on the actual meaning of the "kingdom's foundation" or "ancient times" relative to the entire series, it's not the most important and the creators may not have bothered themselves.
This was Ganondorf's best time to shine, writers touch on his origin yet mostly stick to callbacks; vaguely bring up Gerudo males born every 100 years though we don't know more about what that means or how it works; have him express motive and cunningly pledge fealty, without more insight into his past as an individual; show him as a fierce leader and user of dark magic even without god-like powers, without expanding on how he got there, how much of it is actually innate, how it relates to the ancient curse... All cool stuff, I get that a story can remain basic to serve the game, but it could be more thoughtful to engage players in a different way. Some people still prefer WW Ganondorf for this reason, we had a slightly more intimate feeling when he opened up about his past, making his madness and downfall more impactful.
The Zonai are referenced everywhere to the point where I understand why some people feel like it retcons stuff. I think you can always add more layers so I don't mind. But I wish they'd tell us more explicitly what it's meant to be. While I enjoy environmental storytelling and letting players figure it out, it can also come across as "this is the ancient aesthetic, mysterious stuff happened, the Zonai did it". It raises the stakes while none of our BOTW speculations about Zonai ruins have been addressed, to my knowledge. I'm expecting DLC to use more of that trope but hopefully they tie in more unique lore than they did with the Sheikah in BOTW DLC, which was essentially more challenges without telling us anything major. And if they resort to an official artbook to say more that's fine, but I wish they went all the way in the game itself. NPCs, logs and stone tablets can go a long way.

Story delivery

Memories are more captivating than in BOTW but even if non-linearity is intended, it can be counter-productive. I carefully got to tears in order but stumbled upon Mineru's quest in the middle, without a clue that there was an intended way to clear the skies only after the fake Zelda confrontation. Nothing Mineru tells us was completely unfathomable but still, the tension should work better in order. * On one side there are memories. If they tell a linear story, they could play memories in order regardless of which tear you get. Though I'm fine figuring out by myself if they provide an obvious suggestion, they might as well prevent people from being confused just for the sake of calling it "open gameplay". * On the other side for things in the present it's a dilemma, I wish I was told the thunder storm island had late-story reveals, or that it kept locked until enough progression. But going through it blind, following to a temple, solving the puzzle without a clue of where I was going was one of the best moments of the game. The hostile environment didn't feel like a warning, because early on we're taught to find our way through obstacles and obscurity.
Zelda goes through crazy stuff, I liked seeing her experience unfold in the past but with suspense. I already defended the BOTW memories as a nice development of her character, this is taking her faith in Link further while being a story device that feels natural enough. Her transformation is a great twist, though I got very suspicious of that when casually dropping on the Light Dragon, before deciding I wasn't ready for spoilers. This only adds to my point about the linearity compromise. But in the end she's back to normal and it seems she wasn't conscious of the ages passing by. This lack of lasting consequences kinda defeats the purpose, but I should appreciate a simple happy ending that also works. It also convinces me that they're done with this BOTW/TOTK iteration beyond DLC.
When the construct on the sky Temple of Time proposes to share the backstory of the floating island, I postponed until I felt I could be spoiled major stuff. I liked revisiting the island with the bonfires challenge, but it also cemented my concern that the sky overall was under-utilized. As I completed the challenge looking forwards to some exciting lore, the construct simply told me through text that the island floats because... ancient people wanted it to float, so it's safe and the Hero could be there. Ok, thanks, but that delivery buried my sky-related expectations.
The repetition of the ancient sages cutscenes after each temple was ridiculous. None of it is bad, but if they're not going to add something each time, at least have a shorter version. Make a full sequence rewatchable like memories, but keep these moments short so it doesn't turn the initial impact into an expected joke. Secret stone? Demon King?
Finally I had a couple of odd moments when progressing the main quest. * All gathered at Lookout Landing after people saw Zelda at the castle, all the main quest stuff is brought up and my Link eventually decides to update people on the fifth sage, the Master Sword and what happened to Zelda. Nothing about a fake Zelda though, because we need the "twist" we're about to get of course. Purah observes he could have said so earlier about the sword, people are shocked for 5 seconds about Zelda despite the mind-shattering implication for anyone who cares about her, and we move on. This dialogue was extremely weird. * When about to go fight Ganondorf, smart Purah had the most uncharacteristic brain fart, observing he likely wasn't on the surface and nowhere in the depths we explored, wondering where he could be. Hmmm let's see, we met him under the castle, he fell there, where the gloom still comes out and he just tricked us, hmmmm... that's a tough one... So while I'm sure I could have ignored that and gone straight under the castle, for proper completion I "had" to talk to Josha, she essentially put me back on track to find Kohga, in our final encounter he "revealed" that Ganondorf was under Hyrule Castle. Shocker.
These moments yet again showed a contradiction in an open approach to something designed with a specific path in mind, and it felt a bit like the game said "weird choice, but anyway..."

Mechanics

I think every hand ability is more interesting than runes in BOTW, regular items are more useful than ever, crafting is impressive. I already liked shrines in BOTW but the new ones are even more interesting because of that.
However I'm not sold on the sages. When going to a temple I liked that one follows you for tailored segments. In battles though they're too messy, you need them close to activate but it goes against you and them fighting freely. Outside of battle sometimes they get in the way when pressing A, sometimes they just stand far away. I was more comfortable with the ability triggering through Link in BOTW. Given how randomly useful they are, it's also annoying to go to special items to turn on/off. Tulin is really apart with the airborne wind gust, to the point where I had it on for most of my exploration but it was annoying to see him fly around or attack things without me asking. It could have been special Rito feathers for the paraglider or something. I understand they focused on fighting along companions but IMO combat was unnecessary for the sage ghosts. Keep it for the temples with the real sages, it's more unique and enjoyable. Mineru's construct may be the exception.
I'm reserved about some Zonai devices despawning after a while. I get a point of view that wings and ballons shouldn't take you anywhere from the start, but at the same time it's also being able to fly the thing, and it becomes quickly irrelevant anyway as you can find ways around that. Either with rockets or fans (two fans at an angle with a control stick quickly became popular), gliding with more stamina, or inevitable glitches. Nintendo knew how it went with BOTW crafters, it's in good part what encouraged them in that direction. They also knew it was about providing tools for free exploration which they even promote. So I don't know what putting a timer on some base items does, besides unnecessary anxiety to players we don't know any better but enjoy traveling around. Not a huge deal, but I don't really get it.

User interaction

They somehow made the weapon swap menu more sluggish and horizontal menus are a mess when going through many items. For less frequent items I often ended up opening the full menu, obviously a grid cuts down on time to get to the item you need. But you can't do that with arrows, so occasionally I'd spend well over 15 seconds scrolling, sorting clumsily hoping that would help. I get that the horizontal layout may be to keep sight of the action... If they really need to minimize clutter vertically, they could for example spread items in one row per category (zonai devices / food collectibles / minerals / etc), the row in focus is fully visible in the middle like we have now, rows above and below are faded, and you can move up and down to change category. Armchair developer suggestion I know, but surely they can work on something better.
Nintendo love unnecessary prompts in repetitive interactions. In this game we still have Great Fairies armor upgrades happening one by one and telling you what's going on each time, Beedle's casual observations no one reads for the billionth time, stable folks apparently recognizing you but thinking you have the worst memory... It depends on the player I guess, but if there's one they should streamline it's shrine rewards. I think no one intends to watch the whole thing again besides the first and last ones. No one can do anything with the orb as you stand there, there's no relevant information about it. Just say congrats and load me out please.

Design, Art & Tech

The Zelda team are incredibly competent in everything that makes up a game but aren't immune to hardware limitations. BOTW was already an amazing technical feat, they one-upped it despite comments that TOTK "looks the same". It doesn't exactly, it's more ambitious and better optimized. It's still fair to point at frame drops, resolution drops, pop-in. As amazed as I was by the Wind Temple for example, the heavy stutters took me out of it a few times which is a shame. And this isn't lack of time, care or resources, comparing to any AAA is a clear indication that the Zelda devs are masters on this platform. While this is the best we'll see on this console everyone is justified in wanting hardware closer to a modern standard to support the devs' ideal vision.
I'm generally cautious about that argument because "more power" doesn't magically mean "more and better content". In fact restrictions and simplicity can play in favor of a game's qualities, for example not worrying too much about photo-realism and extremely detailed models due to a wonderful art direction. But it's tough to admit when the game is undermined by those restrictions. The under-utilized sky world may be concerned by this, officially they kept it sparse for level design concerns, but I can't help to feel like filling up the sky would also have the Switch struggle much more than it does. I may be biased but of all the islands, I remember the most persistent frame drops when messing around on the Great Sky Island, where there's so much more to see. I can also imagine dark undergrounds partly justified by less detail on display, and caves by much smaller environments.
If you read everything you get a bubbul gem, if not tell me what you thought anyway

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Marlowe HD/MA $7.5
Mask of Zorro 4K/MA $6
Mauritanian 4K/IT $5
Meatballs HD/VU $4
Memory HD/MA $4
Men HD/VU $4.5
Men in Black 3 HD/MA $3
Menu HD/MA $4.5 or HD/GP $4
MIB International HD/MA $3.5
Mickey & Minnie 10 Classic Shorts HD/MA $5.5 or HD/GP $5
Mid-Century 4K/VU $5
Midsommar HD/VU $4
Miracle on 34th Street (1947) HD/MA $4
Missing SD/MA $4
Mitchells vs Machines HD/MA $4.5
Mommy HD/VU $4
Moonfall 4K/VU $4.5
Morbius HD/MA $4
Moving On HD/VU $5.5
Mrs Harris Goes to Paris 4K/MA $6
My Brilliant Friend Season 1 HD/VU $4
Nashville (1975) HD/VU $4
Needle in a Timestack 4K/VU $5.5
Night House HD/GP $4
No Country for Old Men HD/VU $4
No Sudden Move 4K/MA $6
Nope HD/MA $5.5
Northman HD/MA $4
Oliver! 4K/MA $5
Once Upon a Time in Hollywood HD/MA $3.5
Paradise Highway 4K/VU $5.5
Paranormal Activity 1-8 Collection HD/VU $22
Paranormal Activity Ghost Dimension (Unrated) HD/VU $4.5
Parasite HD/MA $4
Paul Blart Mall Cop 2 HD/MA $3.5
Paw Patrol Movie HD/VU $4.5
Percy Jackson Sea of Monsters HD/MA $3
Perfectos Desconocidos HD/VU $4
Phantom Thread HD/MA $4
Piano (1993) HD/VU $4.5
Pretty in Pink HD/VU $3.5
Prey for Devil 4K/VU $6
Prince of Egypt HD/MA $4.5
Princess Bride HD/IT $4.5
Proud Mary HD/MA $3.5
Pulp Fiction 4K/VU $5.5 or HD/VU $4
Push 4K/VU $6
Raid Redemption (Thea & Unrated) HD/MA $4.5
Ran (1985) 4K/VU $5.5
Ratatouille HD/GP $4
Red Heat (1988) 4K/VU $5
Redline (2010) HD/VU $4.5
Reign of Assassins HD/VU $4.5
Repo Genetic Opera HD/VU $4.5
Rescuers Down Under HD/MA $5 or HD/GP $4.5
Rescuers HD/MA $5 or HD/GP $4.5
Reservoir Dogs 4K/VU $5.5 or HD/VU $4
Retaliation (2017) HD/VU $4
Right One 4K/VU $5.5
Rocky Knockout Collection 1-4 (Rocky IV w/ Thea & Rocky vs Drago Ultimate Cut) 4K/VU $20
Rules of Attraction HD/VU $4
Rumble HD/VU $5
Running Man 4K/VU $5.5
Saint Maud HD/VU $4.5
Sausage Party HD/MA $3.5
Scott Pilgrim vs World HD/MA $4 or 4K/IT $4.5
Scream 4 HD/VU $4
Scream HD/VU $4.5
Searching HD/MA $4
Secret Garden (2020) 4K/IT $5
Secret in Their Eyes HD/VU or IT $3
Sense & Sensibility 4K/MA $5
Seven Psycopaths HD/MA $4
Shawshank Redemption 4K/MA $5.5
She Said HD/MA $6.5
Shooter 4K/VU $5
Silent Night, Deadly Night 3-Film Set (3-5) HD/VU $8
Silent Twins 4K/MA $6
Silk Road 4K/VU $5
Sing 2 HD/MA $4
Sing Street HD/VU $4
Skeleton Twins HD/VU $4.5
Smile HD/VU $5.5
Smokin' Aces 4K/MA $5.5
Snake Eyes G.I. Joe Origins 4K/VU $5.5 or HD/VU $4
Son of God HD/MA $3
Sonic Hedgehog 2 HD/VU $4.5
Source Code 4K/VU $5.5
Spartacus HD/MA $3.5
Spider-Man No Way Home 4K/MA $5.5 or HD/MA $4
Spinning Man HD/VU $4
Spirit HD/VU $4
Spontaneous HD/VU $4.5
Star Wars A New Hope 4K/MA $5.5 or HD/GP $3.5
Star Wars Empire Strikes Back 4K/MA $5.5 or HD/GP $3.5
Star Wars Return of Jedi 4K/MA $5.5 or HD/GP $3.5
Starship Troopers 4K/MA $6
Strange World HD/GP $4
Stripes 4K/MA $5
Taken 2 HD/MA $3.5
Tangled HD/MA $4
Tar HD/MA $6
Teen Spirit (2019) HD/MA $4
Teen Titans Go! & DC Super Hero Girls Mayhem Multiverse HD/MA $6
Teeth HD/VU $4.5
Ten Commandments (1923) HD/VU $4
Ten Commandments (1956) HD/VU $4
Tetro HD/VU $4
Thing (1982) 4K/MA $5.5
Thor Love & Thunder 4K/MA $5.5 or HD/GP $3.5
Till 4K/IT $7
Time Freak HD/VU $4
Tomb Raider Cradle of Life 4K/VU or IT $5.5
Top Gun Maverick 4K/VU $6 or HD/VU $4.5
Touched With Fire HD/VU $4.5
Transformers Dark of Moon 4K/VU $4.5
Transformers Revenge of Fallen 4K/VU $5
Tucker Man & His Dream 4K/VU $5
Turning Red HD/GP $3
Twilight 1-3 (Ext Editions) HD/VU $10
Twixt HD/MA $4
Umma HD/MA $4.5
Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent 4K/VU $5
Uncharted HD/MA $4
Uncut Gems HD/VU $4
Underwater HD/MA $4.5
Venom Let There Be Carnage HD/MA $4
Virtuoso 4K/VU $5
Vivo HD/MA $4.5
Voyagars 4K/VU $5
W. HD/VU $4
War of Worlds 4K/VU $5.5
War on Everyone HD/VU $4
Warhunt 4K/VU $4.5
Waterworld HD/MA $4
Weekend HD/VU $4
Weird Science HD/MA or IT $4
What We Did on our Holiday HD/VU $4
Where Crawdads Sing HD/MA $4.5
Whiplash HD/MA $4
White Christmas HD/VU $4
Whitney Houston I Wanna Dance with Sombody HD/MA $5.5
Wicker Man (1973) HD/VU $4.5
Wind River HD/VU $4
Winnie Pooh Springtime with Roo HD/MA $4 or HD/GP $3.5
Wolf Man (1941) HD/MA $3.5
Woman King HD/MA $5.5
Women Talking 4K/IT $7
X-Men Days of Future Past Rogue Cut 4K/IT $5.5
All other movies (A-Z)
101 Dalmatians HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
12 Years a Slave HD/MA $3.5
13 Hours Soldiers of Benghazi HD/VU $2.5
1917 HD/MA $3.5
2 Fast 2 Furious 4K/IT $3.5
2 Guns HD/VU or IT $2.5
21 Jump Street HD/MA $3
3 From Hell (Unrated) 4K/VU $4 or HD/VU $2.5
31 (2016) HD/VU $2.5
310 to Yuma 4K/VU $5
47 Meters Down HD/IT $3.5
47 Meters Down Uncaged HD/VU $3.5
47 Ronin HD/MA $3 or 4K/IT $3.5
50/50 HD/VU $4
71 HD/VU $4
A Clockwork Orange 4K/MA $5
A Dog's Purpose HD/IT $3
A Good Day to Die Hard (Ext) HD/VU $2.5
A Most Wanted Man HD/VU $3.5
A Quiet Place HD/VU $2.5 or 4K/IT $3
A Quiet Place Part 2 4K/VU $5.5 or HD/VU $4
A Wrinkle in Time HD/MA $3 or HD/GP $2.5
Abominable 4K/MA $5.5
About Time HD/VU or IT $3.5
Action Point HD/IT $2
Adore HD/IT $3.5
Adventures Of TinTin HD/IT $2.5
After Earth HD/MA $3
Age of Adaline HD/VU or IT $3
Aladdin (2019) 4K/MA $4.5 or HD/MA $3 or HD/GP $2.5
Alex Cross HD/VU or IT $2
Alfred Hitchcock 5-Film Set (Saboteur, Shadow of Doubt, Trouble with Harry, Marnie, Family Plot) 4K/MA $24
Alice Through Looking Glass HD/GP $3
Alien 6-Film Collection HD/MA $18
Alien Covenant HD/MA $2.5
Alien Resurrection HD/MA $4
Alita Battle Angel 4K/MA $5 or HD/MA $3.5
All Eyez on Me HD/IT $3
All Money in World HD/MA $3.5
Allied HD/VU $3.5
Aloha HD/MA $3.5
Alvin & Chipmunks Road Chip HD/MA $2.5
Amazing Spider-Man 2 HD/MA $4
Amazing Spider-Man HD/MA $3.5
American Assassin 4K/VU $4.5 or HD/VU $3
American Frontier Trilogy (Sicario, Wind River, Hell or High Water) HD/VU $7.5
American Made 4K/MA $5 or HD/MA $3.5
American Night HD/VU $4
American Reunion HD/VU or IT $3
American Ultra HD/IT $4
Anchorman 2 Legend Continues HD/VU or IT $2.5
Angel Heart 4K/VU $5.5
Angel of Mine 4K/VU $5.5
Anna 4K/VU $5 or HD/VU $3.5
Anna Karenina HD/IT $3.5
Annie (2014) HD/MA $3.5
Annihilation HD/VU $3
Antebellum 4K/VU $5
Ant-Man & Wasp HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Ant-Man HD/MA $4 or HD/GP $3.5
Apollo 13 4K/MA or IT $5 or HD/MA $3.5
Arctic HD/MA $4
Army of One HD/VU $3
Arnold Schwarzenegger 6-Film Collection (Last Stand, Total Recall, T-2, Red Heat, Maggie, Hercules in NY) HD/VU $14
Arrival HD/VU $2.5 or 4K/IT $3
Ash vs Evil Dead Season 3 HD/VU $5
Assassination Nation HD/MA $3.5
Assassin's Creed HD/MA $3
Atomic Blonde 4K/MA $4.5 or HD/MA $3
August Osage County HD/VU $3
Avengers Age of Ultron HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Avengers Endgame HD/MA $2.5 or HD/GP $2
Avengers HD/GP $3
Avengers Infinity War HD/MA $2.5 or HD/GP $2
Back to Future 3 HD/MA $3.5
Back to Future Trilogy 4K/MA $14 or HD/MA $9.5
Bad Boys for Life HD/MA $4
Bad Grandpa HD/VU or IT $2.5
Bad Words HD/IT $3
Bambi 2 HD/MA $4 or HD/GP $3.5
Bambi HD/MA $4 or HD/GP $3.5
Bangkok Dangerous HD/VU $4
Bank Job HD/VU $3.5
Barbie & Her Sisters in Great Puppy Adventure HD/VU or IT $3.5
Barbie in Princess Power HD/IT $3.5
Barbie Star Light Adventure HD/IT $3.5
Battle of Year HD/MA $3.5
Battleship HD/VU $3 or 4K/IT $3.5
Baywatch HD/VU $2.5 or 4K/IT $3
Beatriz at Dinner HD/VU $4.5
Beauty & Beast (1991) HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Beauty & Beast (2017) HD/MA $2.5 or HD/GP $2
Before I Fall HD/VU or IT $3.5
Begin Again HD/VU $3.5
Beirut HD/MA $3.5
Ben-Hur (2016) HD/VU or IT $3.5
BFG HD/MA $3.5
Big Eyes HD/VU $3.5
Big Hero 6 4K/MA $5 or HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Big Lebowski 4K/MA $5.5 or HD/MA $4
Big Little Lies Season 1 HD/GP $2.5
Big Short HD/VU or IT $3.5
Birth of a Nation HD/MA $3.5
Black Panther 4K/MA $4.5 or HD/GP $2.5
Black Widow HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Blackhat HD/IT $3.5
Blair Witch (2016) HD/IT $2.5
Blair Witch Project (1999) HD/VU $4
Blockers HD/MA $3.5
Bloodshot HD/MA $4
Boardwalk Empire Season 1 HD/VU or IT $4
Bombshell 4K/VU $5
Book Club 4K/IT $3
Book Club HD/VU $2.5
Book of Life HD/MA $3.5
Born a Champion 4K/VU $5
Boss Baby 2-Film Set HD/MA $6
Boss Baby HD/MA $2.5
Bourne Identity HD/VU $3.5 or 4K/IT $4
Bourne Legacy HD/VU $2
Bourne Supremacy HD/VU $3.5
Bourne Ultimatum 4K/MA or IT $5 or HD/MA $3.5
Boy 2 HD/IT $3.5
Boy Erased HD/MA $4
Boy HD/IT $3.5
Boyhood HD/VU or IT $2.5
Braveheart HD/VU $3.5
Braven HD/VU $4
Breakfast Club HD/IT $4
Breakthrough HD/MA $3
Burnt HD/VU $3.5
Butler HD/VU $3
Bye Bye Man (Unrated) HD/IT $2.5
Cabin in Woods 4K/VU or IT $4.5 or HD/VU $2.5
Call of Wild 4K/MA $4.5 or HD/GP $2.5
Captain America Civil War HD/GP $2.5
Captain America First Avenger HD/MA $4 or HD/GP $3.5
Captain America Winter Soldier HD/GP $3.5
Captain Marvel HD/GP $2
Captain Phillips HD/MA $3.5
Carol HD/VU $4
Cars 3 HD/GP $2.5
Case for Christ HD/IT $2.5
Chaos Walking 4K/VU $5
Chicago (Diamond Edition) HD/VU $4
Children (2008) HD/VU $4
Christopher Robin HD/MA $4 or HD/GP $3.5
Cloverfield 4K/VU $5.5 or HD/VU $4
Coco HD/GP $2.5
Cold Pursuit 4K/VU $5 or HD/VU $3.5
Collection HD/VU $3.5
Columbiana (Unrated) HD/MA $4
Come & Find Me HD/VU $4
Commuter 4K/VU $5 or HD/VU $3.5
Company of Heroes HD/MA $4
Contraband HD/IT $3
Cooties HD/VU $4
Cornetto Trilogy (Shaun of Dead, Hot Fuzz, World's End) 4K/MA $15
Counselor HD/MA $4
Courier 4K/VU $5.5 or HD/VU $4
Crank 4K/VU $5.5
Crawl HD/VU $3
Crimson Peak HD/IT $3.5
Croods HD/VU $3.5
Cruella HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
D Train 4K/IT $4
Daddy's Home 2 HD/IT $3
Daddy's Home HD/VU $3
Dark Tower HD/MA $3.5
Darkest Hour (2017) 4K/MA $5.5
Darkest Minds HD/MA $4
Darkness HD/IT $3
Dawn of Planet of Apes HD/MA $3.5
Daybreakers 4K/VU $5.5
Deadpool 2 (w/Super Duper Cut) HD/MA $4
Deadpool HD/MA $2.5
Dear White People HD/VU $3.5
Deepwater Horizon 4K/IT $3
Dementia 13 (Director's Cut) HD/VU $4
Despicable Me 2 HD/VU $3.5 or 4K/IT $4
Despicable Me 3 4K/MA or IT $5
Despicable Me 4K/IT $5
Detroit HD/MA $3.5
Devil's Due HD/MA $3.5
Dilemma HD/VU $3.5
Dirty Dancing 4K/VU $5 or HD/VU $3.5
Disney Animated Short Films Collection HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Divergent Allegiant HD/VU $3.5 or 4K/IT $4
Divergent HD/VU $1.5 or 4K/IT $2
Divergent Insurgent HD/VU $2.5 or 4K/IT $3
Django Unchained HD/VU $3
Do Right Thing 4K/MA $5.5 or HD/MA $4
Doctor Strange HD/GP $2.5
Dom Hemingway HD/MA $3.5
Don't Worry, He Won't Get Far on Foot HD/VU $4
Doom (Unrated) 4K/MA $5.5
Doorman HD/VU $3.5
Doors 4K/VU $5.5 or HD/VU $4
Dora & Lost City of Gold HD/VU $3.5 or 4K/IT $4
Downton Abbey Movie HD/MA $3.5
Dracula Untold HD/VU $3 or 4K/IT $3.5
Draft Day HD/VU $3.5
Dragged Across Concrete HD/VU $3.5
Dreamkatcher HD/VU $4
Dredd 4K/VU or IT $4 or HD/VU $2.5
Duel (2016) HD/VU $3.5
Dumbo (2019) HD/GP $3
Dune 4K/MA $5.5
Dying of Light HD/VU $2.5
E.T. Extra Terrestrial 4K/VU or IT $5 or HD/MA $3.5
Edge of Seventeen HD/VU or IT $3
Edge of Tomorrow 4K/MA $5
Edward Scissorhands HD/MA $3.5
El Chicano HD/MA $4
Emoji Movie HD/MA $3
Encanto 4K/MA $4 or 4K/GP $3.5
Ender's Game HD/VU $2.5
Enemy at Gates HD/VU $4
Enough Said HD/MA $3.5
Epic HD/MA $3
Escape Plan HD/VU $2
Eternals HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Everest 4K/MA or IT $4.5
Ex Machina HD/VU $3
Exodus Gods & Kings HD/MA $3.5
Expendables 2 HD/VU or IT $1
Expendables 3 (Thea) HD/VU $2 or 4K/IT $2.5
Extreme Prejudice (1987) HD/VU $4
Fast & Furious (2009) HD/VU $3.5 or 4K/IT $4
Fast & Furious 6 (Ext) HD/VU $2 or 4K/IT $2.5
Fast & Furious 6-film Collection HD/VU $12.5
Fast & Furious 7-film Collection HD/VU $14
Fast & Furious 8-film Collection (9 Films) HD/MA $17.5
Fast & Furious 9-film Collection (11 Films) HD/MA $20
Fast & Furious HD/VU $3.5
Fast Color 4K/VU $5.5
Fast Five (Ext) HD/IT $2.5
Fatale (2020) 4K/VU $5 or HD/VU $3.5
Fate of Furious (Ext) HD/VU $2
Fate of Furious (Thea) HD/VU or IT $1.5
Fault in Our Stars HD/MA $3.5
Fences HD/VU $2.5 or 4K/IT $3
Ferdinand HD/MA $3.5
Fifty Shades Darker (Unrated) HD/VU $2.5 or 4K/IT $3
Fifty Shades Freed HD/MA $4
Fifty Shades of Grey (Unrated) HD/VU $2.5 or 4K/IT $3
Fighting with my Family HD/IT $4
Finding Dory HD/MA $2.5 or HD/GP $2
Finding Nemo HD/GP $3.5
Finest Hours HD/GP $3
First Blood 4K/VU $5
First Man HD/MA $4
Flight HD/VU or IT $3
Florence Foster Jenkins HD/VU or IT $3
Footloose (2011) HD/IT $3
Forever My Girl HD/IT $3
Fortress HD/VU $4
Four Kids & It HD/VU $3.5
Fox & Hound 2 HD/MA $4
Frank & Lola HD/VU or IT $3
Frankenstein (1931) HD/VU $3.5
Free Guy HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
French Dispatch HD/MA $4 or HD/GP $3.5
Friday 13th Pt 3 HD/VU $3.5
Frozen (Sing-Along Edition) HD/MA $2 or HD/GP $1.5
Frozen 2 4K/MA $4 or HD/MA $2.5 or HD/GP $2
Frozen Ground (2013) HD/VU $3.5
Frozen HD/GP $2
Furious 7 (Ext) HD/VU $2 or 4K/IT $2.5
Fury HD/MA $3.5
G.I. Joe Retaliation HD/VU $3 or 4K/IT $3.5
Gambit (2012) HD/MA $4
Gambler HD/VU or IT $3
Gemini Man 4K/VU or IT $4.5 or HD/VU $3
Gentlemen 4K/IT $4.5
Get Out HD/MA $3.5 or 4K/IT $4
Ghost in Shell (2017) 4K/VU or IT $4.5 or HD/VU $3
Ghost Team One HD/VU or IT $3.5
Ghostbusters (1984) HD/MA $3.5
Ghostbusters 2 HD/MA $3.5
Ghostbusters Afterlife HD/MA $4
Girl on Train HD/VU $3 or 4K/IT $3.5
Girl With All Gifts HD/VU $4
Girls Trip HD/VU or IT $2
Glass Castle 4K/VU $5.5
God's Not Dead 2 HD/MA or IT $2.5
God's Not Dead A Light in Darkness HD/MA $3
Gods of Egypt HD/VU $2.5 or 4K/IT $3
Gold (2016) HD/VU or IT $2.5
Gone Girl HD/MA $4
Good Dinosaur HD/MA $3 or HD/GP $2.5
Good Kill HD/VU or IT $3.5
Grace Unplugged HD/VU $2
Greatest Showman HD/MA $3.5
Green Mile 4K/MA $5.5
Grey HD/VU or IT $3
Guardians of Galaxy Vol 1 HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Guardians of Galaxy Vol 2 HD/MA $2.5 or HD/GP $2
Guest House (2020) 4K/VU $5
Guilt Trip HD/IT $3
Gunman HD/MA $3
Hacksaw Ridge HD/VU $3.5 or 4K/IT $4
Hail, Caesar! HD/IT $3
Halloween (2018) HD/MA $3
Hammer of Gods HD/VU $2
Hands of Stone HD/VU $3.5
Hannibal Season 1 HD/VU $5
Hard Target 2 HD/IT $1.5
Hardcore Henry HD/VU or IT $3.5
Hate U Give HD/MA $4
Hateful Eight HD/VU $3.5
Heat HD/MA $3
Hell Fest 4K/VU $5
Hell or High Water HD/VU $2.5
Hellboy (2019) 4K/VU $4.5 or HD/VU $3
Hercules (1997) HD/MA $4.5 or HD/GP $4
Hercules (2014) HD/VU $2.5 or 4K/IT $3
Here Comes Boom HD/MA $3.5
Hidden Figures HD/MA $3
Hillsong Let Hope Rise HD/IT $2
Hitman (Uncut) & Hitman 47 Bundle HD/MA $7
Hitman's Bodyguard HD/VU $3.5
Hitman's Wife's Bodyguard 4K/VU $5.5 or HD/VU $4
Hocus Pocus HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Home Again HD/MA $3
Home Alone 2 HD/MA $3.5
Home Alone HD/MA $3.5
Homesman HD/VU $3
Honey 2 HD/VU $3
Hop HD/MA or IT $3
Hope Springs HD/MA $2.5
Hostiles 4K/VU $4.5 or HD/VU $3
Hot Fuzz HD/VU $4
Hotel Mumbai HD/MA $4
Hotel Transylvania HD/MA $3.5
Hours (2013) HD/VU $4
How Grinch Stole Christmas (2000) 4K/IT $4
How to Train Your Dragon 2 HD/MA $2.5
How to Train Your Dragon HD/VU $3.5
How to Train Your Dragon Trilogy HD/MA $9
Hugo HD/VU or IT $3
Hunger Games 4-Film Collection HD/VU $8
Hunger Games Catching Fire HD/VU $1.5 or 4K/IT $2
Hunger Games HD/VU $1.5 or 4K/IT $2
Hunger Games Mockingjay Part 1 HD/VU $2.5 or 4K/IT $3
Hunter Killer 4K/VU $4.5 or HD/VU $3
Huntsman Winter's War (Ext) HD/VU $3 or 4K/IT $3.5
I Can Only Imagine HD/VU $4
I Feel Pretty HD/IT $2
I Frankenstein HD/VU or IT $2.5
Ice Age Collision Course HD/MA $3
Incredibles 2 4K/MA $5 or HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Incredibles HD/GP $3.5
Independence Day Resurgence HD/MA $2.5
Indiana Jones & Temple of Doom 4K/VU $5.5
Indignation HD/VU $4
Initiation 4K/VU $5 or HD/VU $3.5
Inside Out HD/GP $2
Instant Family 4K/IT $3.5
Interstellar HD/VU $3.5 or 4K/IT $4
Into Woods HD/MA $3 or HD/GP $2.5
Invisible Man (1933) HD/MA $3.5
Invisible Man (2020) 4K/MA $5.5 or HD/MA $4
Iron Man HD/GP $3.5 or HD/GP $2
Iron Mask (2019) HD/VU $4.5
It Follows HD/VU $3.5
It's a Wonderful Life 4K/VU or IT $4.5 or HD/VU $3
Jack Reacher HD/VU $3
Jack Reacher Never Go Back HD/VU $3 or 4K/IT $3.5
Jack Ryan Shadow Recruit HD/VU $2.5 or 4K/IT $3
Jacob's Ladder HD/VU $4
Jarhead 3 Siege (Unrated) HD/IT $2.5
Jason Bourne HD/VU $2.5
Jason Statham 4-Film (War, Crank 1 & 2, Transporter 3) HD/VU $10
Jaws 4K/MA $5 or HD/MA $3.5
Jeff Who Lives at Home HD/VU $4
Jersey Boys HD/MA $2.5
Jesus Music HD/VU $3.5
Jigsaw 4K/VU $4.5
Joe HD/VU $3.5
John Wick 1 & 2 Bundle HD/VU $4
John Wick 3 Parabellum 4K/VU $4.5
John Wick Chapter 2 HD/VU $3.5
John Wick HD/VU $2
John Wick Trilogy (Parabellum 4K) HD/VU $9
Jonah Hex HD/MA $4.5
Joy HD/MA $3
Judy 4K/VU $5
Jungle Book (2016) 4K/MA $4.5 or HD/GP $2.5
Jungle Cruise HD/MA $4 or HD/GP $3.5
Jurassic Park 3 HD/VU $3.5
Jurassic Park 4K/MA $5 or HD/MA $3.5
Jurassic World 5-Film Collection HD/MA $14
Jurassic World Fallen Kingdom 4K/MA $4.5 or HD/MA $3
Jurassic World HD/VU $2.5
Justice (2017) HD/VU or IT $3
Kevin Hart Let Me Explain HD/VU or IT $3
Kick-Ass 4K/VU $5.5 or HD/VU $4
Kid Who Would Be King 4K/MA $5.5 or HD/MA $4
Kidnap HD/VU or IT $2.5
Killer Elite HD/IT $3
Killerman HD/VU $4
Kin (2018) 4K/VU $4.5 or HD/VU $3
King Kong (2005) 4K/MA or IT $5 or HD/MA $3.5
Kingsman Golden Circle 4K/MA $4.5 or HD/MA $3
Kingsman Secret Service 4K/MA $5 or HD/MA $3.5
Knick Season 1 HD/IT $3.5
Knick Season 2 HD/IT $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Kung Fu Panda 3 HD/MA $3
La La Land 4K/IT $3.5
Labor Day HD/VU or IT $3
Lady & Tramp HD/MA $4.5 or HD/GP $4
Lady Macbeth HD/VU $4.5
Last Christmas HD/MA $4
Last Exorcism HD/VU $4
Last Knights HD/VU $3.5
Last Man (2019) HD/VU $4
Last Stand HD/IT $2
Last Vegas HD/MA $3.5
Last Witch Hunter HD/VU $3 or 4K/IT $3.5
Leatherface HD/VU $4
Legend of Hercules 4K/IT $3
Leprechaun 7-Film Collection HD/VU $12
Les Miserables (2012) HD/VU or IT $2
Let Me Explain HD/IT $2.5
Let's be Cops HD/MA $3.5
Life (2017) HD/MA $3.5
Life of Crime HD/VU $3.5
Life of Pi 4K/MA $5 or HD/MA or IT $3.5
Light of My Life HD/IT $3.5
Like a Boss HD/VU $3.5
Lilo & Stitch 2 Stitch Has a Glitch HD/MA $4 or HD/GP $3.5
Lilo & Stitch HD/MA $4 or HD/GP $3.5
Lincoln Lawyer 4K/VU $6.5 or HD/VU $4
Lion King (1994) HD/GP $3
Lion King (2019) 4K/MA $4 or HD/GP $2
Logan HD/MA $3
Logan Lucky 4K/MA or IT $4.5
Lone Ranger HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Lone Survivor HD/VU $2.5 or 4K/IT $3
Long Shot HD/VU $3.5
Longest Ride HD/MA $3
Longest Week HD/VU $3.5
Looper HD/MA $3.5
Lorax (1972) HD/MA $5
Lorax HD/VU $3
Lords of Salem HD/VU $4
Lost World Jurassic Park HD/MA $3
Love & Monsters HD/VU $4
Love Coopers HD/VU or IT $4
Love, Simon HD/MA $3.5
Loving HD/VU or IT $3.5
Luca HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Lucy HD/VU $3 or 4K/IT $3.5
Mad Max 2 Road Warrior 4K/VU $5.5
Madagascar 3 Europe's Most Wanted HD/VU or IT $3
Magnificent Seven (2016) HD/VU $3
Maleficent 4K/MA $4 or HD/MA $2.5 or HD/GP $2
Maleficent Mistress of Evil HD/MA $3 or HD/GP $2.5
Mama HD/IT $3
Man Who Shot Liberty Vance 4K/VU $5.5
Mandela Long Walk to Freedom HD/VU $4
Martian HD/MA $3.5
Mary Poppins (1964) HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Mary Poppins Returns HD/MA $3 or HD/GP $2.5
Matrix Resurrections 4K/MA $5.5
Max Steel HD/IT $3
Maze Runner Death Cure HD/MA $3.5
Maze Runner HD/MA $3.5
McKenna Shoots for Stars HD/IT $2
Mechanic Resurrection HD/VU $2.5
Megan Leavey HD/IT $3
Midnight Sun HD/MA $3.5
Midway 4K/VU $4.5 or HD/VU $3
Mile 22 HD/IT $3
Million Dollar Arm HD/GP $2.5
MindGamers HD/MA or IT $3.5
Minions 4K/MA or IT $4.5 or HD/VU $3
Misconduct HD/VU $2.5
Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children HD/MA $3
Missing Link HD/MA $4
Mission Impossible 3 4K/VU $4.5
Mission Impossible 4 Ghost Protocol HD/VU $2
Mission Impossible 5 Rogue Nation HD/VU $3 or 4K/IT $3.5
Mission Impossible 6 Fallout 4K/VU or IT $4.5
Mission Impossible 6-film Set 4K/VU $23 or HD/VU $17
Moana HD/MA $2.5 or HD/GP $2
Moneyball HD/MA $3
Monkey Kingdom HD/MA $3
Monster High Electrified HD/VU or IT $2.5
Monsters University HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Monuments Men HD/MA $3.5
Mortal Engines 4K/MA $5.5 or HD/MA $4
Mortal HD/VU $4
Mortal Instruments City of Bones HD/MA $3
Mother! HD/VU $2.5
Mother's Day HD/IT $2.5
Much Ado About Nothing (2013) HD/VU $4
Mud HD/VU $2.5
Mulan (2020) 4K/MA $4.5 or HD/MA $3 or HD/GP $2.5
Mummy (1999) HD/VU $4
Mummy (2017) 4K/MA or IT $4.5
Muppets Most Wanted HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Murder on Orient Express HD/MA $3.5
My All American HD/MA or IT $3.5
My Fair Lady 4K/VU $5.5
Nebraska HD/VU $3
Nerve HD/IT $3.5
New Mutants HD/GP $3
News of World 4K/MA $5.5 or HD/MA $4
Night at Museum Secret of Tomb HD/MA $3
Nightmare Alley 4K/MA $5.5 or HD/GP $3.5
Nightmare Before Christmas HD/MA $4 or HD/GP $3.5
No Escape (2015) HD/VU $3
No Strings Attached HD/VU or IT $3.5
No Time to Die 4K/IT $4.5
Noah HD/VU or IT $2.5
Nobody's Fool HD/IT $2.5
Non-Stop HD/VU or IT $3
Norm of North HD/VU $2.5
Nostalgia (2018) HD/MA $3.5
Now You See Me 2 HD/VU $3.5 or 4K/IT $4
Now You See Me HD/VU or IT $2.5
Nutcracker & Four Realms HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Oblivion 4K/MA or IT $5 or HD/MA $3.5
Occupation (2018) HD/VU $3.5
Occupation Rainfall HD/VU $4
Office Christmas Party HD/VU $3 or 4K/IT $3.5
Olaf's Frozen Adventure HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Ong Bak 2 HD/VU $3
Onward 4K/MA $4.5 or HD/GP $2.5
Other Woman HD/MA $3
Ouija HD/IT $3.5
Ouija Origin of Evil HD/VU or IT $3.5
Outlander Season 1 Vol 1 HD/VU $5.5
Overdrive HD/IT $2.5
Overlord 4K/IT $3.5
Oz Great & Powerful HD/GP $2.5
Paddington HD/VU $3.5
Pain & Gain HD/VU or IT $3.5
Paranormal Activity 3 (Ext) HD/VU or IT $3
Paranormal Activity 4 (Unrated) HD/VU or IT $2.5
Paranormal Activity HD/VU $4
Paranormal Activity Marked Ones HD/VU or IT $3.5
Passengers HD/MA $3
Patriot Games 4K/VU $5
Patriot's Day HD/VU $3
Peanuts Movie HD/MA $3
Penguins of Madagascar HD/MA $3.5
Pet Sematary (2019) 4K/IT $3.5
Peter Pan (1953) HD/MA $4 or HD/GP $3.5
Peter Rabbit HD/MA $3.5
Pete's Dragon (2016) HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Philomena HD/VU $2.5
Pinocchio (1940) HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Pirates of Caribbean Dead Men Tell No Tales 4K/MA $4.5 or HD/GP $2.5
Pitch Black (Unrated) HD/MA or IT $4
Pitch Perfect 2 4K/MA $4 or HD/VU $2.5
Pitch Perfect HD/VU $2.5 or 4K/IT $3
Pixar Short Films Collection Vol. 3 HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Planes Fire & Rescue HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Planes HD/MA $2.5 or HD/GP $2
Playing with Fire HD/IT $2.5
Pocahontas 2 Journey to a New World HD/GP $3.5
Pocahontas HD/MA $4 or HD/GP $3.5
Point Break (2015) 4K/MA $5 or HD/MA $3.5
Poison Rose 4K/VU $4.5
Pompeii HD/MA $3.5
Possession HD/VU or IT $2.5
Power Rangers (2017) 4K/VU or IT $4.5
Precious HD/VU $4.5
Predator (2018) HD/MA $3
Predator 4-Film Collection HD/MA $11
Premium Rush HD/MA $3.5
Pride & Prejudice & Zombies HD/MA $3.5
Primal HD/VU $3.5
Prodigy HD/VU $4
Project Almanac HD/IT $3.5
Protege HD/VU $4
Punisher 4K/VU $5.5
Punisher War Zone 4K/VU $5.5
Purge Anarchy HD/VU $3 or 4K/IT $3.5
Purge Election Year 4K/MA $5 or HD/MA $3.5
Purge HD/VU $3 or 4K/IT $3.5
Quarry 4K/VU $5
Queen & Slim HD/MA $4
Queen of Katwe HD/MA $3 or HD/GP $2.5
Ralph Breaks Internet HD/GP $2
Rambo (2008) 4K/VU $5.5
Rambo 3 4K/VU $5.5
Rambo 5-Film Collection 4K/VU $23 or HD/VU $17
Rambo First Blood Pt 2 4K/VU $5.5
Rambo Last Blood 4K/VU $4.5
Rango HD/VU $3.5
Raya & Last Dragon HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Rear Window HD/MA $3.5
Reclaim HD/VU $3.5
RED 2 HD/VU $2
Red Dawn (2012) HD/VU or IT $3
Red Sparrow HD/MA $3.5
Replicant (2001) HD/VU $3.5
Replicas HD/VU $3.5
Requiem for a Dream (Director's Cut) 4K/VU $5.5
Resident Evil Retribution 4K/MA $5 or HD/MA $3.5
Resurrection of Gavin Stone HD/VU or IT $2.5
Revenant HD/MA $3.5
Riddick (Unrated) HD/VU or IT $3
Ride Along HD/VU or IT $2.5
Ride Like a Girl HD/VU $4
Ring HD/VU $4.5
Rings HD/VU or IT $2.5
Rio 2 HD/MA $3
Riot HD/VU or IT $3
RIPD HD/IT $2.5
Risen HD/MA $3
Robin Hood (1973) HD/MA $3.5
Robin Hood (2018) HD/VU $3
Robocop (2014) HD/VU $2.5
Rocketman (2019) 4K/IT $4
Rogue One A Star Wars Story HD/GP $2
Ron's Gone Wrong HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Rough Night 4K/MA $5 or HD/MA $3.5
Runner Runner HD/MA $3.5
Rush HD/VU or IT $3
Safe HD/VU or IT $2.5
Saige Paints Sky HD/IT $3
Same Kind of Different As Me HD/IT or IT $3
Samson HD/MA $3.5
Santa Clause 2 HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Santa Clause 3 HD/MA $3
Santa Clause HD/MA $3.5
Santa Clause Trilogy HD/MA $9.5 or HD/GP $8
Saving Mr. Banks HD/GP $3
Saw 7-Film Collection (Unrated) HD/VU $18
Saw 8-Film Collection HD/VU $20
Saw HD/VU $3
Scarface HD/VU $4
Scary Movie 5 HD/VU $4.5
Scary Stories to Tell in Dark 4K/VU $4.5
Schindler's List 4K/MA $5.5
Scouts Guide to Zombie Apocalypse HD/IT $3
Scream (1996) HD/VU $4
Scrooged HD/IT $4
Secret Life of Pets 4K/IT $4.5
Secret Life of Walter Mitty HD/MA $3
Selma HD/VU or IT $2.5
Sex Tape HD/MA $3.5
Shack HD/IT $2.5
Shallows HD/MA $3.5
Shang-Chi Legend of Ten Rings HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Shape of Water HD/MA $3.5
Sharp Objects HD/GP $2
Shaun of Dead HD/MA $4 or 4K/IT $4.5
Shaun Sheep Movie HD/VU $3
Sherlock Gnomes HD/VU or IT $2.5
She's Having a Baby HD/VU $3.5
Shivers HD/VU $4
Show Dogs HD/MA $3.5
Siberia (2018) HD/VU $3
Siberia (2020) HD/VU $4
Sicario HD/VU $2.5
Side Effects HD/IT $3.5
Sing (2016) 4K/IT $4
Singing in Rain 4K/MA $5.5
Sinister HD/IT $2.5
Sisters (Unrated) HD/IT $2.5
Sixteen Candles HD/MA $4
Skyfall HD/VU $2.5
Skyscraper HD/MA $3.5
Sleeping Beauty (1959) HD/MA $4 or HD/GP $3.5
Sleepless HD/IT $2
Smokey & Bandit HD/MA $3.5
Smurfs Lost Village HD/MA $3.5
Snatched HD/MA $2
Snitch HD/VU $2.5 or 4K/IT $3
Snow White & Huntsman (Ext Edition) 4K/VU or IT $4.5 or HD/VU $3
Snow White & Seven Dwarfs (1937) HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Solo A Star Wars Story HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Some Kind of Wonderful HD/VU $3.5
Songbird 4K/IT $4.5
Sonic Hedgehog 4K/VU $5 or HD/VU $3.5
Soul HD/MA $3 or HD/GP $2.5
Southpaw HD/VU $3
Southside With You HD/VU $4.5
Spider-Man 4-Cut Set (Spider-Man 2 w/ Thea & Ext) HD/MA $11.5
Spider-Man Far From Home HD/MA $3.5
Spider-Man Homecoming HD/MA $3
Spider-Man Homecoming/Far From Home Bundle HD/MA $6
Spies in Disguise 4K/MA $5 or HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Spiral (2021) 4K/VU or IT $4.5
Split 4K/MA or IT $5
Split HD/MA $3.5
Spongebob Sponge out of Water HD/IT $2.5
Spy Who Dumped Me 4K/VU $5 or HD/VU $3.5
St. Vincent HD/VU $3
Stand Up Guys HD/VU $3.5
Star Trek (2009) HD/VU $3.5 or 4K/IT $4
Star Trek 1-4 (Motion Picture, Wrath of Khan, Search for Spock, Voyage Home) 4K/VU $18
Star Trek Beyond HD/VU $3
Star Trek Into Darkness HD/VU $2.5
Star Wars Force Awakens HD/GP $1.5
Star Wars Last Jedi 4K/MA $4.5 or HD/MA $3 or HD/GP $2.5
Star Wars Rise of Skywalker 4K/MA $4.5 or HD/MA $3 or HD/GP $2.5
Step Up Revolution HD/IT $3
Sting 4K/MA $5 or HD/MA $3.5
Straight Outta Compton (Thea & Unrated) 4K/MA $4.5
Straight Outta Compton (Unrated) HD/MA $3 or 4K/IT $3.5
Strangers Prey at Night HD/MA $3
Suburbicon HD/VU $3 or 4K/IT $3.5
Sudden Death HD/IT $4
Suits Season 2 HD/IT $3.5
Sum of All Fears 4K/VU $5.5
Sundown Vampire in Retreat HD/VU $3.5
Super 8 4K/VU $5 or HD/VU $3.5
Super Buddies HD/GP $2
Sword in Stone HD/MA $4 or HD/GP $3.5
Taxi Driver HD/MA $4
Ted (Unrated) HD/IT $3
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014) HD/VU $2.5
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Out of Shadows HD/VU $3.5
Terminator 2 Judgment Day (Ext) HD/VU $4.5
Terminator 2 Judgment Day HD/VU $3.5
Terminator Dark Fate 4K/VU or IT $4 or HD/VU $2.5
Terminator Genisys HD/VU $2.5
Thanks for Sharing HD/VU $4
This is 40 HD/MA $3.5
This is End HD/MA $3.5
Thor Dark World HD/MA $4 or HD/GP $3.5
Thor HD/GP $3.5
Thor Ragnarok HD/MA $2.5 or HD/GP $2
Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri HD/MA $3.5
To Kill a Mockingbird 4K/IT $4
Top Gun (1986) 4K/VU $5 or HD/VU $3.5
Total Recall (1990) HD/VU $3.5
Toy Story 4 4K/MA $4.5 or HD/MA $2.5 or HD/GP $2
Toy Story HD/GP $3.5
Toy Story of Terror HD/MA $4 or HD/GP $3.5
Transformers 4K/VU $5
Transformers Age of Extinction HD/VU $2.5 or 4K/IT $3
Transformers Last Knight HD/VU $2.5 or 4K/IT $3
Tremors A Cold Day In Hell HD/MA $2.5
Triple 9 HD/IT $3.5
Trolls HD/MA $2.5
Trumbo HD/IT $3.5
Trust HD/VU $4
Turbo HD/MA or IT $3
Turning HD/MA $4
Twilight Breaking Dawn 2 HD/VU $1.5 or 4K/IT
Twilight Breaking Dawn Pt 1 HD/VU $3.5 or 4K/IT $4
Twilight HD/VU $4
Tyler Perry's Temptation HD/GP $3
Unbreakable HD/GP $3.5
Unbroken HD/VU or IT $3
Uncle Drew HD/VU $3.5
Underworld Awakening HD/MA $3
Untouchables 4K/VU $5
Valerian & City of a Thousand Planets HD/VU $3.5
Vampire Academy HD/VU $4
Van Helsing HD/MA $3.5
Vanishing (2018) HD/VU $4
Veep Season 6 HD/IT $3.5
Venom HD/MA $3.5
Victoria & Abdul HD/MA $4
Vivarium HD/VU $4
Voices (2014) HD/VU $4
Walk HD/MA $3.5
War for Planet of Apes HD/MA $3
Warcraft HD/VU $3 or 4K/IT $3.5
Warm Bodies 4K/VU $4.5 or HD/VU $3
Warrior 4K/VU $5 or HD/VU $3.5
Werewolf Beast Among Us (Unrated) HD/IT $3.5
West Side Story 4K/MA $5 or HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
What Men Want HD/VU $3 or 4K/IT $3.5
When Game Stands Tall HD/MA $3
Whisky Tango Foxtrot HD/IT $3
Why Him? HD/MA $3
Widows HD/MA $3.5
Wild Card HD/VU $3
Wild HD/MA $3.5
Wilson HD/MA $3.5
Winchester HD/VU $3.5
Wolf of Wall Street HD/VU or IT $3.5
Wolverine (Unrated) (w/Thea) HD/MA $4
Wonder HD/VU $3
Wonder Park 4K/IT $2.5
Wonder Woman 1984 4K/MA $5.5
Woodlawn HD/MA or IT $3.5
World War Z HD/VU or IT $2.5
Wraith HD/VU $4
X-Men Apocalypse HD/MA $3
X-Men Days of Future Past HD/MA $3
X-Men First Class & Days of Future Past HD/MA $6.5
XXX Return of Xander Cage HD/VU $2 or 4K/IT $2.5
You Were Never Really Here HD/VU $4
You're Next HD/VU $3.5
Z for Zachariah HD/VU $4
Zero Dark Thirty HD/MA $3.5
Zeros & Ones HD/VU $4.5
Zootopia HD/GP $2.5

As table setting, I haven’t listened to MBMBaM in three years, give-or-take, so I have no clue what the modren era (😎) of the show is like. However, I have been hate-listening to a movie podcast enough that I’ve actually turned a corner into liking it, so I feel spiritually ready for this. Plus I’m a little drunk, which has never been a bad decision for anybody ever.
0:00 - I’ve always kind of disliked the intro, especially the “cool baby” part, and sadly that has not changed with time.
0:20 - First time hearing the new theme song, which is fine if a little twee for my taste. I weirdly hate how they deliver the “1, 2, 3, 4” up top, but that’s just nitpicky. We can’t all be DeeDee Ramone, you know?
1:10 - Introductions. Travis introduces himself as “noted intellectual and middlest brother”, and Griffin just says “…And I’m Griffin… McElroy”. I didn’t laugh, but I did actually find that slightly funny, so I’m optimistic for how this goes.
1:35 - Justin has invented a new game that he wants to play called “Simply the Guests” where he tells them who guested on a celebrity’s podcast and they have to guess the celebrity. Travis points out that the title is a touching tribute (to Tina Turner, he clarifies a few seconds later) and there’s a bit where Justin and Griffin pretend not to know she died that Justin interrupts with a parody song. Is this too soon? I can’t tell, but I also only get my celebrity death news from Simpsons memes.
2:31 - I’ve had to pause and restart enough times that I’ve realized how shitty the web player is, since I have to click like three times before it registers as being on the page and actually trying to play instead of just highlighting the button, and if I try to click the 15 second rewind button it usually skips to the ~11 minute mark right above the button. However, I refuse to actually download the episode because if I do that, Jesse Thorne wins.
2:58 - Justin only has one round prepared, but expects it will take longer than they expect. Griffin rightly questions if it’s actually possible to play this game based on the information that will be provided. Travis says that sometimes when he comes up with a game, it’s like when you start off at level 1 fighting Sephiroth and die, but it just takes you to a cutscene and is all part of the game. I’m struggling to think of games he’s come up, which is maybe a metaphor for how I never finished FFVII. Justin says it should be easy if their heads are on a swivel, and 50-50 if they’re half paying attention.
4:30 - Justin is giving the guests in order as they’ve appeared: Billy Ray Cryrus, John Carter Cash, Billy Bush, Albert Pujols. Griffin laughs and makes a joke about how his head is on a swivel but it hurts, and I’m shocked and a little disappointed that it wasn’t a joke about how one of the greatest Cardinals of all time has a name that’s pronounced “Poo Holes”.
5:00 - The next guests listed Adam Carrolla, Clint Black, and Gary Busey. Travis incorrectly guesses Blake Shelton. Justin says Katie Couric was the next guess, and Griffin’s postulation of Kevin Sorbo is apparently pretty close.
6:10 - Dr. Drew is the next guest. Travis asks if they would be willing to guest, and Justin says he likes to think they’d have a nice long talk about it. Griffin guesses Randy Quaid. Justin neither confirms nor denies, but instead finishes listing the guests - Sharon Stone, Martin Short, Mike Lindell (the MyPillow CEO), Jim Brown, and Anthony Fauci. I actually kind of like this game, because what the fuck?
8:40 - Justin says he’ll give them an episode title for any celeb mentioned. Travis picks Sharon Stone, who covered “Pandemics, Social Justice Movements, and Animal Actors”. Griffin picks Pujols, who covers “Baseball, Downs Syndrome, and Living the American Dream”, and asked if there were other baseball players on the list.
10:05 - Justin admits he skipped Jimmy Morris because he didn’t know who that is. I didn’t either, but I have the power of Google and in the time it took him to explain why he was skipped, learned that he starting playing for Tampa Bay Devil Rays when he was 35 and The Rookie was based on him.
10:30 - Travis and Griffin discuss “Sorbo adjacent” celebrities and Justin scolds them for not talking to each other, saying that’s what a podcast is and that he’s trying to do a podcast. To paraphrase a joke from Jon Gabrus, it’s three straight white men talking, we already know it’s a podcast.
11:30 - Travis suggests Dennis Quaid, since he has a strong connection to baseball and Christ. Griffin agrees and Travis is in fact correct. Ironically, that means that Jimmy Morris was probably the most helpful clue, since Dennis Quaid starred in The Rookie. Justin offers a bonus for naming the show, and says it’s something with “Dennis”. Griffin accurately guesses “The Dennissance”.
13:45 - Justin mentions Morris was the titular rookie, and claims that people forget Dennis Quaid. They discuss the Quaid siblings a bit and advise Dennis to get back in the podcasting game.
15:15 - First question of the episode: “My boyfriend and I were looking for a bar before your Columbus TAZ show and walked by one that looked empty and not our vibe, but it had tinted windows so it was hard to tell. We walked to another bar and inside the door person flagged us down and said someone was looking for us. We were already inside this other bar when the woman who was working at the first bar said she saw us looking in and said “Please come into my bar - we have cheaper drinks. We were confused and startled and decided to stay at the bar we were already at, but we weren’t sure if we regretted it because this person went to the effort to chase us down half a block, cross a busy street, went through a revolving door to get to us. Also, the drinks at the bar were expensive. Should we have gone back to the other bar instead?” - Confused in Columbus. Not to brag, but I’ve been to a lot of bars in my lifetime and can say with some confidence this didn’t happen.
16:05 - They immediately answer that, no, they should not have gone back to the other bar. Travis accurately points out that weird pursuit aside, if they have that little business then 100% of the focus would be on them. Griffin thinks they would have had a tremendous amount of power and would get their drinks immediately, and the bartender might have cool stories. They discuss how bad the design of this bar is that it’s impossible to see inside, both because they crave attention and so that someone will notice in case they go missing.
18:45 - Travis says if he ran a restaurant across from another restaurant, he would go up to patrons at the competitor and try to lure them away. Apparently Tom Green did this with pizza delivery as a TV show, and Justin thinks he would have Shark Tank’d it if it was a viable option.
19:36 - Travis says Tom Green would’ve probably called it “Shart Tank”. I laughed out loud.
20:00 - Griffin says in Austin they basically have to have barkers for the various bars given the amount of competition for foot traffic and Justin thinks they should just go for hyper-local advertising.
21:00 - Travis offers Griffin an investment opportunity, claiming he needs angel investors. Justin is incensed that he isn’t offered the chance, and Griffin says it’s because he has no money but maybe his “crypto shit’s gonna pay off some day”. Justin says he doesn’t have “crypto shits unless I’ve been eating cryp-tacos” (Griffin pitches crypto-salsa) and that Superman hates cleaning up Krypto shits.
21:44 - Travis points out that Superman named his dog after a thing he hates. I swear this had to be a Seinfeld joke at some point, since the two things I know about Jerry Seinfeld are (a) he loves Superman and (b) he’s not funny. Actually, I know a third thing, which is that he dated a 17-year-old when he was 38. Anyway, fuck that guy.
21:50 - Travis pitches having a long stretch of connected bars by buying all the existing bars and knocking down the connecting walls. Griffin and Justin point out that’s essentially the Disneyland model, and Justin mentions the Goofy sour balls.
21:51 - I Googled “Goofy sour balls” and thankfully it was a real candy. Griffin indignantly says that they stopped making them and that “Goofy took his sour balls away”. Travis says “He washed them” and they ignore him. I laughed out loud again, man’s really winning me back. They continue on this riff, making more and worse versions of the same joke.
24:07 - Question 2: “I’m enrolled in summer college courses. In one of my classes, a guy in front of me likes to stretch backwards over his chair with his eyes closed. His head basically ends up right on my desk and he will breathe in my face. I’ve had to move my laptop to stop him from laying on it. Am I the weird one for staring at the guy as he disrupts all my belongings and my personal space? He does it more than five times a class. It’s very awkward and makes it hard to focus on the lecture. Should I say something? Help me brothers, how do I stop this stretching bandit from stealing my peace of mind?” - Cramped College Co-Ed in Canada.
24:57 - Justin has an immediate suggestion. I assume it’s the actual solution, which is to say something like an adult or just switch seats, but nope, it’s the old chestnut of put some jelly on it. Griffin suggests surprise massage. Travis clarifies that they’re definitely ignoring the “excuse me, could you not do that” option, which Griffin confirms because it’s not very funny. This takes me back to when I used to regularly listen, since part of the driving force for me stopping was the sheer number of questions that could be solved by two seconds of slightly awkward conversation. I totally get it, social anxiety is a bitch and I’ve absolutely been there, but the lack of funny kinda stems from the question. They all agree, and Travis suggests adding broken glass to the jelly.
26:57 - Griffins goes back to the massage suggestion, with “dual percussive massagers”. Justin suggests hovering over them and saying “There’s my sweet boy” and Travis suggests a “little kiss on the forehead” which, thankfully, they immediately shoot down. Still, I’m uncomfortable.
28:00 - Justin points out that, if someone actually followed the advice they give, the problem would be solved, it’s just a question of consequences. There’s some more discussion of the Quaids but my spirit is a little broken and I can’t bring myself to rewind to accurately transcribe any of it.
29:43 - Money Zone: Travis says, “Well Justin,” and Justin misidentifies him as Griffin. So far, hardest laugh of the episode. The ad is for Zocdoc, which Justin mispronounces a lot. I assume any service that advertises on a podcast is actually just a money laundering scheme, medical stuff doubly so, but it does remind me that MaxFun podcasts are the only ones where I can tell the ad copy was done in a single take with no edits. I admire it, in a way.
32:45 - A MaxFun ad for “Just the Zoo of Us”, which is apparently a podcast where they rate animals on their “effectiveness, ingenuity, and aesthetics”. It kind of worked on me, which is to say I’m debating the merits of getting a Zoobooks subscription as a childless woman approaching her thirties.
33:30 - A MaxFun ad for “Feeling Seen”, where the editor likes to play the game of taking a sip of coffee anytime the guest says how good a question is, how smart the host is, or cries unexpectedly. I cannot stress enough how much this makes me not want to listen. I don’t even have anything snide to say, I’m just genuinely put off by it.
34:19 - Griffin introduces the Wizard of the Cloud: How to “Talk Nerdy” to someone, which is meant to help you talk to the “cute nerd in your science class” by becoming more adorkable to them. Justin and Travis are disgusted by the word “adorkable”, which feels like a real split with their brand of appealing to mid-2010s Tumblr users.
36:00 - Travis points out that this article presupposes that nerdy people only want to be seduced with nerdy things, and will shun all other romance. The original pickup line is “Are you a carbon sample? Because I definitely want to date you. If you’ve seen The Big Bang Theory, you already know science and physics nerds are the best” Travis punches it up with “I’ve got a theory that we should Big Bang.” Currently he’s batting a thousand for me.
36:55 - Wikihow asks “Can math be sexy?” They talk about how sexy 8 is and Travis makes a 69 joke, so I retract my previous statement. There’s a gross astronomy-based pickup line saying “Do you mind if my comet enters your solar system” and “Hey, nice asteroids”. Mercifully, no “Can I touch Uranus?”
38:30 - More bad pickup lines, now about computers. Apparently “You’re hotter than the bottom of my laptop” is a good come-on. The video game lines are equally impressive, and Wikihow recommends that distracting gamers away from their games is easier said than done. These are more sexually charged than before, but no more clever.
43:30 - We’ve arrived at Star Wars. Wikihow says “Jedis are tough nuts to crack, so you may need to use the Force to woo them effectively.” It’s been a while, but I’m fairly certain Jedis aren’t allowed to fall in love and that’s kind of a whole thing with the prequel trilogy. Also, are we not doing phrasing anymore? Cuz Jesus, they should take a second pass at that.
43:46 - Wikihow suggests several “Yoda-approved pickup lines”, and they do some bad Yoda impressions like “pull down some trim, you will” and “wet, you will get”. This is apparently a thing they’ve done before called “Clipping Yoda”. Justin makes a “something something something, I thought they smelled bad on the outside” joke.]
46:08 - They discuss the very limited situations when the suggested “I find your lack of nudity disturbing” is acceptable, then move on to the Lord of the Rings lines which are equally questionable. Travis brings up the theory that Frodo doesn’t know Legolas’ name, and now I wanna rewatch LotR.
50:09 - Justin suggests coming up with their own lines, which results in “You make me feel like John Rhys-Davies in Sliders, cuz I wanna climb in those holes” and Griffin looking up “nerd movies”.
51:40 - Question 3: “My bank has been advertising a home ownership service to help folks buy and sell homes. I usually ignore them, but this time they’ve been offering a chance to win a flattop grill package with a $100 gift card to a very expensive butcher. I’ve been really wanting to get my dad a new grill. Brothers, I have no way of buying a house, let alone sell one. They’re contacting me, trying to help me buy a house. How do I explain to them I’m only entered to maybe win the grill and have no interest in the service?” From the Poor Hopeful in B (?).
53:00 - First of all. Second, they suggest the asker (a) admits they were only in it for the grill or (b) saying they have a budget of $750 for a furnished home. It devolves into a riff about Bobby Flay and pitches for “Flay Bobby Flay” and “Bob Bobby Flay” to see if he floats.
56:15 - Plugs for stuff and the end of the episode.
Closing Thoughts: I actually enjoyed that, although with a lot of stopping and starting to write this. Also anyone who likes Clipping Yoda may also like Action Boyz, because pedophile Yoda is a surprisingly rich vein to mine. I don’t think I’ll ever actually pick up listening again, since I have about 280 episodes of Off Book to get to first and this whole recap has made me really contemplate my mortality, but I was pleasantly surprised by how much I enjoyed it

I’ve got a few hair and beard mods installed and went into creation kit to edit him to my liking, but after I save my changes and load the game he still looks like this. Any advice? The changes loaded once, and then I went back into CK to remove a moustache from Brand-Shei, and Bryn is back rocking the look of my ex-boyfriend’s dad.
Modlist:
# This file was automatically generated by Mod Organizer.
+Overwrites
+Northern Roads - Patches Compendium
+Northern Roads Patch Collection
+Northern Roads
+Books of Skyrim SE - Redux
+Better Khajiit female body Texture for UNP and CBBE body
+Minotaurs - Mihail Monsters and Animals (SE-AE version) (''oblivion'')
+Better Pelts and Hides
+Ryn's Dragon Mounds Collection
+KS Hairdos - HDT SMP (Physics) - Khajiit Patch
+KS Hairdos - HDT SMP (Physics)
+ADXP I MCO ER Twinblades (SCAR Precision)
+Lore Weapon Expansion SE
+Nicos Twinblades SE
+Twinblades of Skyrim
+The Forgotten City
+Dragon.Priest.by.Kajuan
+Elden Parry
+ECPLW -ENB Complex Particle Lights for Windows-
+Bellyaches HD Dragon Replacer Pack (SE)
+Another Race Menu Rotation Mod
+Ryn's Azura's Shrine
+Skyland Noble Furniture
+Khajiit Has Wares - A Caravan Camp Overhaul
+Seasoned Traveller Armor SE-AE
+Animated Potions
+Mythic Dawn armor SE
+Inquisitor HDT-SMP Armor
+Dual Casting Fix
+Traveling Mage HDT-SMP Armor
+NPCs React To Necromancy (And More)
+JS Dwemer Control Cube SE
+Vampire Lines Expansion
+Open Animation Replacer
+Cinematic Dragon Soul Absorbtion
+Dawnguard Armors and Weapons Retexture SE
+Conditional Expressions Extended
+Toggleable Night Eye Vampire Werewolf and Khajiit
+Emerald Khajiit Vampire Eyes
+Dragonbone Ebonsteel Armor SE
+Frankly HD Dragonbone and Dragonscale - Armor and Weapons
+NPCs React To Invisibility
+Weathered Furniture - Common and Upper Class - 4K - 2K (LE Backport)
+Prince and The Pauper Refine
+JS Purses and Septims SE
+JS Knapsacks SE
+Asura's Guard
+League of Assassins - Dark Brotherhood Retexture
+League of Assassins Armor
+Base Object Swapper
+Improved Alternate Conversation Camera
+Face Masks of Skyrim
+OBIS SE Patrols Addon
+OBIS SE - Organized Bandits In Skyrim Special Edition
+Immersive Patrols SE AE
+LeanWolf's Better-Shaped Weapons - All in One Installer
+Frankly HD Imperial Armor And Weapons - Sleeves and Pants Edition
+Frankly HD Imperial Armor and Weapons
+RS Children Patch Compendium
+Vanargand Animations - Dual Wield Normal and Power Attacks
+Patch for RS Children Overhaul
+Vitruvia - skin texture overhaul for males - SE
+JS Instruments of Skyrim SE
+JS Common Cages SE
+JS Attunement Sphere and Lexicons SE
+Immersive folded hands (DAR)
+JS Shrines of the Divines SE
+Masculine Khajiit Textures (Grey Cat and Leopard) [Vanilla]
+Prince and the Pauper SE - RS Children Patch
+RS Children Overhaul
+Misc. College of Winterhold Tweaks
+Obscure's College of Winterhold
+College of Winterhold The Missing Apprentices Quest Fix
+College of Winterhold - Quest Expansion - markers
+College of Winterhold - Quest Expansion
+Vanilla SMP Clothing waccf ace patch
+Prisioner robes fix
+Better Fur - fine patch
+Vanilla SMP Clothing
+CACO Ordinator Alternate Patch
+Vanilla Cow Tweaks- Mihail Monsters and Animals (SE-AE version)
+Heart of the Beast - Werewolf Sound - Remastered - SSE PORT
+Daedroth Titans- Mihail Monsters and Animals (SE-AE version) (''oblivion daedra'')
+Wraith-of-Crows - Mihail Monsters and Animals (SE-AE version) (''nocturnal'')
+Savage Wolves
+More Hircinic Aspects of Hircine- Mihail's Shards of Immersion (SE-AE version)
+Lustmord Vampire Armor - SSE CBBE BodySlide (with Physics)
+Kellan HDT-SMP Armor
+Frost Giant Overhaul- Mihail Monsters and Animals (SE-AE version) (''karstaag'')
+Cow Replacer- Mihail Monsters and Animals (SE-AE version)
+Birds of Prey and Felsaad Terns- Mihail Monsters and Animals (SE-AE version)
+Apocrypha's Currency- Mihail's Shards of Immersion (SE-AE version) (''coin'')
+Glorious Doors of Skyrim (GDOS)
+Security Overhaul SKSE - Lock Variations
+Frankly HD Thieves Guild Armors
+Giant.by.Kajuan
+Fur Bedroll 2-4k
+Draugr.by.Kajuan
+Troll.by.Kajuan
+Skeleton.and.Human.Bones.by.Kajuan
+Edmond's HD Nordic Snow with Parallax
+Nordic Snow
+Hedge Mage Armor SSE
+Craftable Blood Potions SSE
+Illustrious Whiterun - Alt Stonefloor 4K 2.0
+Leviathan Animations II - Greatsword Non Combat Locomotion
+Leviathan Animations II - Greatsword Low Stance
+Vanargand Animations - Sneak idle walk and run
+Vanargand Animations - Sneak Thrust Attacks
+Vanargand Animations - Sneak Strike Attacks
+Leviathan Animations - Two-Handed High Stance
+Vanargand Animations - Dual Wield Sneak Thrusts
+Vanargand Animations - Dual Wield Sneak Strikes
+Vanargand Animations - Female Idle Walk and Run
+Vanargand Animations - Male Idle Walk and Run
+Goetia Animations - Female Idle Walk And Run
+Goetia Animations - Male Idle Walk And Run
+Leviathan Animations II - Female Idle Walk And Run
+Leviathan Animations II - Male Idle Walk And Run
+Conditional Armor Type Animations
+Leather Armors Retexture SE
+Fashions of The Huntsmen- A Leather Armor variation mod (Armor Pack- CBBE-3BA and HIMBO)
+Mysticism - Ordinator Patch
+Mysticism - A Magic Overhaul
+Lux - Illustrious Whiterun - Parallax'd
+Illustrious Whiterun SE - 8K - Parallax
+Teldryn Serious Patch
+DX Necromancer Robes - HDT-SMP Physics and 3BBB Bodyslides
+The Caller - DX Necromancer Robes
+3D Whiterun Trellis
+Immersive Equipment Displays
+HDT-SMP Traveler's Backpack - My Version
+HDT-SMP Traveler's Backpack
+Simple Dual Sheath
+Weapon Keyword Unification Project
+Keyword Item Distributor
+Nightingale Armor and Weapons Retexture SE
+Skaal Coat Alternative Texture
+Hearthfires Extended and Creation Club Fishing Patch
+Spell Research Add-On - Book Transformation Spell
+Terrain Fixes for CC Mods
+Necromancers Amulet Replacement
+Immersive Spell Learning
+Wintersun patch
+Spell Research - Ultimate Add-On Patch
+Altered Spell Tomes for Spell Research - Tweaks
+Spell Research - Convenience Add-On
+Spell Research - Spell Composing
+Altered Spell Tomes for Spell Research 1
+Altered Spell Tomes for Spell Research-Apocalypse
+Altered Spell Tomes for Spell Research
+Spell Research Patch Compendium Redux 357 patches
+Origins Of Forest - Lakeview Manor Patch
+Technicolor Alchemy - CACO - More Growable Plants Patch
+Complete Alchemy and Cooking Overhaul (CACO) and More Growable Plants SE compatibility patch
+SIC SE - Add-Ons and Patches
+CACO - Beyond Skyrim Bruma Patch
+Spell Research - Experience Book
+Spell Research
+kryptopyr's Patch Hub
+Bloodchill Manor (CC) __ CACO
+Cutting Room Floor __ CACO
+Opulent Thieves Guild - FPS Fix
+Opulent Thieves Guild - Sneak Tools compatibility patch
+Quaint Raven Rock - Ghosts of the Tribunal Patch
+More Growable Plants SE
+Cathedral - 3D Solstheim Grass
+SmoothCam - Octavian's Preset
+Pets of Skyrim - JK's Skyrim Compatibility Patch
+SmoothCam - Soft Preset
+WACCF Sneak Tools Patch
+Sneak Tools Embers XD Patch
+Sneak Tools SE Edition
+Wayfarer's Coat CBBE
+Wayfarer's Coat
+Sleeping Expanded - Animations and NPC reactions
+Archmage Apparel
+Ars Metallica - Smithing Enhancement
+Hunting in Skyrim - A Hunting Guild SE
+Diverse Werewolves Collection SE Player
+Diverse Werewolves Collection SE
+Werebeast GrowlVanilla Spruce-up
+Unleashed Sacrosanct and Growl Racial Abilities SE - (Werewolf and Vampire racial abilities for custom races)
+Growl and Sacrosanct Hybrid
+Gender-specific Werewolf Transformation Sounds (Vampire Lords optional)
+Elden Counter
+Wildcat - Combat of Skyrim
+Set of Skills
+ADXP I MCO ER rapiers (SCAR)
+ADXP I MCO ER Katana (SCAR)
+Realistic Halberd Poleaxe Animation(MCO SCAR)
+Goetia Animations - Enchanted Staves
+Favorite Misc Items
+Simple Outfit Manager
+Hunting Grounds Outfit
+SIRENROOT - Patch 1.04
+SIRENROOT - Deluge of Deceit
+ADXP I MCO ER Spear Basic Animation (SCAR)
+Skyrim Spear Mechanic SE
+Cathedral - 3D Rocky Shores
+FurArmorSetSE(FrostFall Aware) ordinator
+High Poly Gleamblossoms
+Goetia Animations - Conditional Shouts
+HD Baskets Textures
+SCAR AE Support
+Trade and Barter - Patches
+Circlet USSEP Fixes
+Wintersun - Creatures
+Skyrim Immersive Creatures Special Edition
+Sunhelm Survival Patch for Hearthfire Extended
+Forsworn Dreadlocks for Beast Races
+Guild Leader Perks
+Hearthfire Carriage Destinations
+Hearthfire Improvements - A Lightweight Extension
+Better Dynamic Ash SE
+Hearthfire Shrines Expanded
+College Prestige Mage Outfit SE
+DX Necromancer Robes - SSE CBBE BodySlide
+DX Necromancer Robes - UNP
+Better Treasury House
+Illuminated Blue Palace Dome
+ENB Particle Lights - Dwemer Lanterns
+Unique Solstheim Grass
+Better beast race scars
+Reach Tree Replacer SSE
+Better fur - Fine clothes
+Beyond Skyrim - Bruma Upscaled Textures (BSBUT) Armour
+Beyond Skyrim - Bruma Upscaled Textures (BSBUT)
+Thundering Shouts
+Nibenean Armors and Outfit SE - UNP - UNPB - CBBE
+Technicolor Alchemy Overhaul - Unique Alchemy Plants for Skyrim SE
+Forsworn Fashions- More Variety for forsworn (Armor Pack- BHUNP CBBE 3BA and HIMBO)
+Wilderness Witch Outfit CBBE
+Wilderness Witch Outfit
+Unique Flowers and Plants SSE
+Imperial Fine Clothes
+Conditional Expressions - Subtle Face Animations
+Immersive Interactions - Animated Actions
+FurArmorSetSE - CBBE Bodyslide Conversion
+FurArmorSetSE - Muted Color Retexture
+FurArmorSetSE(FrostFall Aware)
+Cathedral - 3D Snow Berries
+3D Plants Patch - Snowberries
+Saints and Seducers Flora ENB Light
+(DISCONTINUED) CBBE Armour and Clothing Conversions for Beyond Skyrim - Bruma
+Rare Curios - BS Bruma Synergy Patch
+Cathedral - Armory - Gemling Queen Jewelry Patch
+2K Ring of Namira Retextured
+White Phial Replacer SE
+Stalhrim Source
+Bandit Lines Expansion
+2k Retextured Ring Of hircine
+Solstheim Lighthouse
+Wyrmstooth Upscaled Textures
+Missives - The Witcher Board HD
+Sovngarde HD
+Missives - Notes Retexture
+HD Sleeping Tree Sap Replacer
+HQ Tree Bark
+Arri's Snow Elf Ruins Retexture Special Edition
+VioLens - A Killmove Mod SE
+Cathedral 3D Mountain Flowers for Hearthfire
+Lux Via - Cathedral Mountain Flowers
+Hitting the Books - A Necromantic Grimoire Update
+Simple Bath for Bloodchill Manor
+Conditional Dog Barking (DAR)
+Werewolf Animation and Sneak Extension (DAR)
+Kaidan Lux
+Kaidan Inigo
+Kaidan 3dnpc
+Axarien's Animations - Lucien (DAR)
+Axarien's Animations - The Companions - Vilkas Farkas Aela (DAR)
+Axarien's Animations - Inigo (DAR)
+Skyrim Wayshrines - Immersive Fast Travel - SWIFT SE
+SUEMR SSE with Bijin AIO 2019 Support
+Black_Sacrament_Armor_V4-1_High Def_PortedSSE
+Immersive Sounds Compendium - PATCHES
+Enhanced Blood Textures
+Hunterborn SE MCM
+I'm Glad You're Here - a follower and spouse appreciation mod - SSE - Bard patch
+Skyrim's Got Talent - Improve As a Bard
+Immersive Vampire Clutter - Base Object Swapper (BOS)
+Moss Shaders Restored - Cut Content Restoration
+Missives
+Realistic Skooma
+Daedric Shrines - All in One
+8K Night Skies - Stars and Galaxies - Cathedral Concept
+Breezehome by Lupus - Lux - Embers XD - Patch
+Breezehome by Lupus
+Simple Breezehome Garden
+I'm Glad You're Here - a follower and spouse appreciation mod - SSE
+Quest Outfit Replacers - Party and Radiant Raiment Fine Clothes
+Ordinator - Slower Leveling Speed and Increased Training Costs
+Growl - Werebeasts of Skyrim
+BA Bard Songs
+Colovian Leather Armor and Outfit SE - UNP - CBBE - Update
+Colovian Leather Armor and Outfit SE - UNP - CBBE
+Auto Input Switch
+Vampire Sun Damage Clothes Covering
+All Thieves Guild Jobs Concurrently
+Arena - An Encounter Zone Overhaul
+Immersive Load Screens for ArteFakes
+ArteFakes - Unique Artifacts Replacer animation
+ArteFakes - Unique Artifacts Replacer plugin
+ArteFakes - Unique Artifacts Replacer
+JK's Interiors Patch Collection
+Better Third Person Selection - BTPS
+Queen of the Damned - Deadlier Serana_SE
+Serana Dialogue Edit - Skyrim Special Edition
+Anima Nera - SerketHetyt's Serana Overhaul
+Respectable Inventory -- Well-Stocked Alchemists
+Character Creation Overhaul - Races - Birthsigns - Classes - Skills - Specializations - Attributes - update
+Character Creation Overhaul - Races - Birthsigns - Classes - Skills - Specializations - Attributes
+Smart NPC Potions - Enemies Use Potions and Poisons
+RUSTIC AMULETS - Special Edition
+Wintersun - More Patches
+Precision
+Crimson Nirnroot Markers
+Bandolier - Bags and Pouches for NPC
+Bandolier - Bags and Pouches Classic
+Book Covers Skyrim
+Trade and Barter
+Tribunal Robes and Masks for SSE
+Volkihar Knight - Vampire Armor
+Sovngarde - A Nordic Font
+Triumvirate - Mage Archetypes
+The Midden - Expanded
+Stones of Barenziah Quest Markers
+Take a Seat - New DAR Sitting Animations
+Rudy HQ - Miscellaneous SE
+The Beauty of Skyrim - Caves and Mines
+Quaint Raven Rock Patch Collection
+Quaint Raven Rock - SE
+Ordinator - No Timed Block
+Valhalla Combat
+Skyshards
+Sacrosanct - Vampires of Skyrim
+Run For Your Lives
+Prince and the Pauper SE
+Gemling Queen Jewelry SE
+Khajiit Will Follow - Fix
+Khajiit Will Follow
+Coats for Skyrim - UPDATED - SSE
+Bruma Signs SMIM patch - SE
+Wait Your Turn - Enemy Circling Behaviour
+Wealthy Marks - A Pickpocket Mod (SPID)
+Thieves Guild Dialogue Fix - USSEP Compatible
+Wear Multiple Rings
+Point The Way
+High Level Enemies
+Dirt and Blood - Dynamic Visual Effects
+Follower Trap Safety
+Immersive Khajiit Armor and Weapons - Rebalance and Integration
+Lunar Guard Armor
+VickusDickus' Khajiiti Apex Armory - skeleton
+VickusDickus' Khajiiti Apex Armory
+Payload Interpreter
+SmoothCam
+Apocalypse - Magic of Skyrim - Ordinator
+Apocalypse Spells For NPCS
+Apocalypse - Magic of Skyrim
+Vanargand Animations - One Handed Power Attacks
+Goetia Animations - Sneak Magic
+Goetia Animations - Magic Spell Casting
+EVG Conditional Idles
+Gesture Animation Remix (DAR)
+Animated Armoury - DAR Version - New Weapons with animations
+Vanargand Animations - One Handed Mid Stance
+Vanargand Animations - One Handed Normal Attacks
+Vanargand Animations - Sneak Archery
+Lively Children Animations (DAR)
+NPC Animation Remix (DAR)
+Animation Motion Revolution
+MCO Universal Support
+Attack MCO-DXP
+The Companions - Earn your stripes
+Pickpocketing 5Ever
+Awesome Potions Simplified -ENB Lights
+Awesome Potions Simplified by Revoith
+Dawnguard as a vampire
+Improved Companions - Questline Tweaks
+Medieval Spirits
+Gildergreen Regrown
+Hearthfire Extended - Cutting Room Floor Patch
+Hearthfire Extended
+Coin Purse - An Overhaul For Skyrim
+Summermyst - WACCF Patch
+Summermyst - Enchantments of Skyrim
+Saints and Seducers - Growable Plants
+Opulent Thieves Guild Patch Collection
+Skyrims Unique Treasures
+True Directional Movement - Modernized Third Person Gameplay
+XP32 Maximum Skeleton Special Extended
+Wintersun - Faiths of Skyrim
+Dragon Claws Auto-Unlock
+Project New Reign - Nemesis Unlimited Behavior Engine
+Lind's Black Robes Revamp - Texture Replacer
+Moon Monk's Robes
+Skyforge Weapons - Reforged
+Inigo - Bloodchill Manor patch
+Cult of the World Eater - Dragon Priests Buff Alduin
+Deadly Dragons
+SCAR - Skyrim Combos AI Revolution
+RUSTIC SOULGEMS - Special Edition
+Face Discoloration Fix
+Miscellaneous Embers XD Patches
+Vanilla hair remake SMP compatibility
+Vanilla hair remake SMP
+BeastHHBB - VHR SMP
+ShowRaceMenu Alternative - Lux patch
+ShowRaceMenu Alternative
+Tempered Skins for Females CBBE
+Vanilla hair remake SMP NPCs (real hair)
+Superior Lore-Friendly Hair - HD textures
+VHR - Vanilla Hair Replacer
+Barbarian Bodypaints - Racemenu Body and Head Overlays for UUNP CBBE and Males
+Beards of Power - Sons of Skyrim - Vanilla Hair Remake SMP
+Beards of Power - Sons of Skyrim
+Normal Vampire Face For High Poly Head
+Whiter Teeth for ALL (SE)- Orc Khajiit Argonian Werewolf
+BeastHHBB - Khajiit and Argonian content - player character and NPC replacer addon
+BeastHHBB - Khajiit and Argonian content - player character and NPC replacer
+Khajiit Aesthetics Compilation - Hair Eyes Fangs
+Better Beast vampire fangs - fixes and adjustments - Argonian and Khajiit
+Kala's Eyes- Beast Race Edition Khajiit Argonian
+The Witcher 3 Eyes SE
+Vanilla Warpaints Absolution
+Apachii Sky Hair SSE
+CoverKhajiits - Face Textures 4K SE
+Pretty Khajiit SE
+The Eyes Of Beauty SSE
+Total Character Makeover
+Weathered Nordic Bodypaints -Special Edition- RaceMenu Overlays and Warpaints
+Beast Race Bodypaints SE -Khajiit and Argonian Themed Bodypaints Facepaints RaceMenu Overlays-
+Community Overlays 2 (31-50) Bodypaints Warpaints Tattoos and more made for the Community (Special Edition)
+High Poly Head SE
+BodySlide and Outfit Studio
+Caliente's Beautiful Bodies Enhancer -CBBE-
+Xelzaz' Telvanni Spellsword Armor Enhanced
+Xelzaz - Custom Fully Voiced Argonian Telvanni Follower - Wyrmstooth
+Xelzaz - Custom Fully Voiced Argonian Telvanni Follower
+Lux Via Wyrmstooth
+Remiel-Custom Voiced Dwemer Specialist and Companion
+Lucien - Immersive Fully Voiced Male Follower - Bruma
+Lucien - Immersive Fully Voiced Male Follower - Curios
+Lucien - Immersive Fully Voiced Male Follower - S+Zombies
+Lucien - Immersive Fully Voiced Male Follower - Saints
+Lucien - Immersive Fully Voiced Male Follower
+Daughter of Valenwood - An Auri Replacer
+Song of the Green (Auri Follower) - Inidog
+Song of the Green 3dnpc
+Song of the Green Auri
+INIGO
+Kaidan 2 Weapons Revamped - Katana Bow and Quiver with Arrows
+BWB-Kaidan-2-Armor-Revamped-Dragon
+BWB Kaidan
+Kaidan 2
+Interesting NPCs SE (3DNPC) - Rumarin Solstheim
+Interesting NPCs SE (3DNPC) - Cutting Room Floor
+Interesting NPCs SE (3DNPC) - AI Overhaul
+Interesting NPCs SE (3DNPC)
+Opulent Thieves Guild
+Ordinator for Spell Perk Item Distributor
+JK's Skyrim - Thunderchild patch
+Thunderchild - Epic Shouts and Immersion
+JKs Skyrim - AI Overhaul SSE Patch
+JK's Skyrim
+Lanterns Of Skyrim II
+Real 3D Walls
+Solstheim landscape and furniture
+Rudy HQ - Nordic Ruins SE
+-Skyrim 202X 9.0 - Architecture
+-Skyrim 202X 9.0.1 - Other
+Skyrim 202X 9.0 - Landscape
+Skyrim 202X by Pfuscher - Formerly 2020
+Books of Skyrim SE
+Colovian Noble Clothes
+RUGNAROK - Special Edition
+PELTAPALOOZA - Special Edition
+Dark Brotherhood Robes Replaced
+Dark Brotherhood Enchantments Improved
+4thUnknown - Ancient Shrouded Armor Replacer
+Dark Brotherhood Armor SE
+Cathedral - Armory update
+Cathedral - Armory
+aMidianBorn Book of Silence SE
+Fashions Of The Banditry- A bandit-focused Armor Pack (BHUNP-CBBE-3BA-HIMBO) CBBE
+Fashions Of The Banditry- A bandit-focused Armor Pack (BHUNP-CBBE-3BA-HIMBO)
+Artesian Cloaks of Skyrim
+Cloaks of Skyrim HD SSE
+Winter Is Coming SSE - Cloaks Patch
+Cloaks of Skyrim SSE
+Vampire Royal Armor Replacer HDT-SMP Cape
+HDT-SMP for Cloaks and Capes
+Winter Is Coming SSE - Cloaks
+Faster HDT-SMP
+Nightingale Hall Restored - Karliah As A Follower
+Black Mage Armor SE
+Mage Outfit Texture Overhaul - Schools of Magic SSE (Revised ESP Only) - WACCF
+Mage Outfit Texture Overhaul - Schools of Magic SSE (Revised ESP Only)
+Mage Outfit Texture Overhaul - Schools of Magic
+RUSTIC FURNITURE - SPECIAL EDITION
+Hunterborn Ordinator Bone Arrow patch
+Hunterborn
+Campfire Patch for Water-Borne Diseases for SunHelm
+SunHelm Survival - Compatibility Patches
+Skills of the Wild - New Campfire Survival Skill Trees
+SunHelm - Creation Club Farming Patch
+Water-Borne Diseases for SunHelm
+SunHelm Survival
+Warm Drinks SSE - Simple Tea And Coffee Recipes - for Campfire
+Campfire - Complete Camping System (Supports Skyrim VR)
+Ordinator - Rat king - Other Creatures
+Ordinator Beyond Skyrim Patch
+Ordinator - Perks of Skyrim
+Skyrim 3D Trees and Plants - CACO Patch
+Complete Alchemy & Cooking Overhaul
+Wyrmstooth
+At Your Own Pace - Main Quest
+At Your Own Pace - Thane Overhaul
+Defeat the Dragon Cult
+Weapons Armor Clothing and Clutter Fixes - CBBE Patch
+Player Blink Fix
+Teldryn Serious - A Teldryn Sero Backstory Quest SSE
+Immersive College NPCs - No Saarthal (Compatibility for Ryn's Saarthal)
+Immersive College NPCs
+Ryn's Ustengrav
+Ryn's Saarthal
+The Brotherhood of Old - Dark Brotherhood Continued
+Ryn's Bleak Falls Barrow
+Magical Blackreach
+JK's Silver-Blood Inn
+JK's The Bannered Mare
+JK's The Winking Skeever
+JK's Warmaiden's
+JK's The Drunken Huntsman
+JK's Sleeping Giant Inn
+JK's Radiant Raiment
+JK's Arcadia's Cauldron
+JK's Belethor's General Goods
+JK's Dragonsreach
+JK's Angeline's Aromatics
+JK's Bits and Pieces
+JK's Blue Palace
+JK's Candlehearth Hall
+JK's Elgrim's Elixirs
+JK's White Phial
+JK's Mistveil Keep
+JK's New Gnisis Cornerclub
+JK's Sadri's Used Wares
+JK's Palace of the Kings
+JK's The Temple of Mara
+JK's The Pawned Prawn
+JK's The Bee and Barb
+JK's Arnleif and Sons Trading Company
+JK's The Hag's Cure
+JK's Understone Keep
+JK's Jorrvaskr
+JK's Riverwood Trader
+JK's Temple of the Divines
+JK's Temple of Talos
+JK's Temple of Kynareth
+JK's Temple of Dibella
+JK's Haelga's Bunkhouse
+JK's High Hrothgar
+JK's Castle Dour
+JK's Septimus Signus's Outpost
+JK's The Bards College
+DLC Content
+Realistic Conversations
+Relationship Dialogue Overhaul - RDO SE
+AI Overhaul SSE
+Cutting Room Floor - SSE
+Fuz Ro D-oh - Silent Voice
+Unlimited Bookshelves
+Practical Patches-Replacers for Skyrim 3D Trees and Plants - Nightshade
+Waterplants
+3D Plants Patch - Tundra Cotton
+3D Plants Patch - Lavender
+3D Plants Patch - Nirnroot by Mari and Rudy's Light
+Practical Patches-Replacers for Skyrim 3D Trees and Plants - Mountain Flowers
+3D Plants Patch - Deathbell with Rudy's Purple Light
+Cathedral - 3D Clover Plant
+Cathedral - 3D Thicket and Dead Shrub
+Cathedral - 3D Grass Library
+Cathedral - 3D Thistle
+Cathedral - 3D Mountain Flowers
+Cathedral - 3D Tundra Cotton
+Cathedral - 3D Deathbell ENB
+Cathedral - 3D Deathbell
+Cathedral - Mushrooms
+Origins Of Forest - 3D Forest Grass
+Immersive Sounds - Compendium
+Lux
+Lux Via
+Embers XD
+Wet and Cold SE - Cathedral Weathers Patch
+Wet and Cold SE
+Rudy ENB Cathedral Weathers ADDONS and REQUiRED Files
+Cathedral Weathers and Seasons
+Whiterun Objects SMIMed (and fixes too)
+Armor and Clothing Extension
+Weapons Armor Clothing and Clutter Fixes
+RUSTIC CLOTHING - Special Edition
+Guard Dialogue Overhaul SE
+Obsidian Mountain Fogs
+Water for ENB
+ENB Light Inventory Fix (ELIF)
+Bright Snow Fix for ENB
+Bright Waterfall Fix for ENB
+ENB Helper SE
+ENB Light
+Less Distracting Blowing Snow Effects for ENB Particle Patch
+Enhanced Volumetric Lighting and Shadows (EVLaS)
+Landscape Fixes For Grass Mods
+No Grass In Objects
+Static Mesh improvement Mod - SMIM - Quality Addon
+Skyrim 3D Trees and Plants
+Cathedral - Plants
+Landscapes - Cathedral Concept
+Static Mesh Improvement Mod
+Mfg Fix
+NORDIC UI - Miscellaneous Patches
+Nordic UI Active Effects for SkyUI SE
+SkyUI Weapons Pack SE
+Expanded Dawnguard Map Markers
+NORDIC UI - Interface Overhaul
+Experience
+iHUD and True HUD Patch
+TrueHUD - HUD Additions
+Immersive HUD - iHUD Special Edition
+SkyHUD
+Beyond Skyrim - Bruma DLC
+Beyond Skyrim - Bruma
+Beyond Skyrim - Assets
+A Clear Map of Skyrim and Other Worlds
+RaceMenu
+Lore-Based Loading Screens
+Survival Control Panel
+SkyUI
+Scrambled Bugs
+JContainers SE
+DynDOLOD Resources SE
+Particle Patch for ENB
+Unofficial Skyrim Special Edition Patch
+Skyrim Landscape and Water Fixes
+Unofficial High Definition Audio Project
+Spell Perk Item Distributor
+Sound Record Distributor
+MCM Helper
+powerofthree's Papyrus Extender
+powerofthree's Tweaks
+.NET Script Framework
+Unique Map Weather
+SSE Display Tweaks
+SSE Engine Fixes (skse64 plugin)
+Scaleform Translation Plus Plus NG
+PapyrusUtil SE - Modders Scripting Utility Functions
+Papyrus Tweaks NG
+Crash Logger SSE AE VR - PDB support
+Address Library for SKSE Plugins
+xEdit Output
*Creation Club: ccBGSSSE037-Curios
*Creation Club: ccBGSSSE001-Fish
*Creation Club: ccBGSSSE025-AdvDSGS
*Creation Club: ccQDRSSE001-SurvivalMode
*DLC: Dawnguard
*DLC: Dragonborn
*DLC: HearthFires
*Creation Club: ccbgssse003-zombies
*Creation Club: ccbgssse011-hrsarmrelvn
*Creation Club: ccbgssse012-hrsarmrstl
*Creation Club: ccbgssse057-ba_stalhrim
*Creation Club: ccbgssse058-ba_steel
*Creation Club: ccbgssse060-ba_dragonscale
*Creation Club: ccedhsse001-norjewel
*Creation Club: ccedhsse002-splkntset
*Creation Club: ccedhsse003-redguard
*Creation Club: cceejsse005-cave
*Creation Club: ccvsvsse003-necroarts
*Creation Club: ccvsvsse004-beafarmer

https://www.reddit.com/IGSRep/comments/pikmri/calvin324hks_igs_rep_page/
https://www.reddit.com/sgsflaicomments/of2wzu/flair_profile_ucalvin324hk/
Region: NA (Canada)
Price are in USD. Fees on buyer.
CTRL + F to find your games in terms of name
Humble Keys <------ Click Here to see a full list of humble keys
Yakuza: Like a Dragon Legendary Hero Edition
Two Point Hospital
Castlevania: Lords of Shadow – Ultimate Edition
Trek to Yomi
Shadow Warrior 3
BATTLETECH MERCENARY COLLECTION
BATTLETECH Shadow Hawk Pack
Knights of Pen and Paper +1 Edition
Knights of Pen and Paper - Haunted Fall
KNIGHTS OF PEN AND PAPER 2 - DELUXIEST EDITION
Knights of Pen and Paper 2 - Here Be Dragons
Deathloop
Hell Let Loose
Hellblade: Senua's Sacrifice
F1 2019 Anniversary Edition
Valkryia Chronicles 4 Complete Edition
Mafia Definitive Edition
Mordhau
Back 4 Blood
Little Hope
Peaky Blinders: Mastermind
Visage
death stranding
Slay the Spire
Praey for the Gods
Degrees of Separation
Ghostrunner
Hellblade: Senua's Sacrifice
Control Ultimate Edition
Encore Duke Nukem: Manhattan Project
Hyper Light Drifter
Dirt 5
Ultimate Chicken Horse
Kentucky Route Zero - Season Pass Edition
Dreamfall Chapters
Wuppo
Human: Fall Flat
Northgard
The Witness
Borderlands: The Handsome Collection
MO:Astray
Metro Exodus
Pathfinder: Kingmaker - Enhanced Plus Edition
Super Mag Bot
Blade Assault
Where the Water Tastes Like Wine
TOEM
Backbone
GreedFall
Wasteland 3
GAS STATION SIMULATOR
IN SOUND MIND
MIND SCANNERS
EMILY IS AWAY <3
OMNO
ATOM RPG Trudograd
Banners of Ruin
Lawn Mowing Simulator
Legend of Keepers
Yes, Your Grace
Endzone - A World Apart
60 Parsecs
XCOM: ULTIMATE COLLECTION
PGA 2K21
Bioshock Collection
Warhammer: Vermintide 2 - Collector's Edition
JUST CAUSE 4: COMPLETE EDITION
Plague tale
Gas station simulator
Mind scanners
BATTLESTAR GALACTICA DEADLOCK SEASON ONE
Gamedec
Command & Conquer Remastered (Origin)
Surviving The Aftermath
Genesis Noir
Dirt Rally 2.0

Stand With Ukraine Charity Bundle
Gang Beasts
Tinkertown
Cloud Gardens
Blightbound
Stick Fight: The Game
Railway Empire
Mad Experiments: Escape Room
ibb & obb Double Pack
The Falconeer
Truberbrook
At Eve's Wake
Interrogation: You will be deceived
Hoplegs
Cannibal Cuisine
Necronator: Dead Wrong
Awesomenauts All Nauts pack
1993 Space Machine
8-bit Adventure Anthology: Volume I
ChromaGun
Baby Dino Adventures
Click and Slay
Swords and Soldiers 2 Shawarmageddon
Cosmonautica
Crash Drive 2
Dimension Drive
The Way
Explosionade
Gelly Break Deluxe
Guppy
Journey For Elysium
Last Resort Island
Lumini
Marooners
Nelly Cootalot: Spoonbeaks Ahoy! HD
Pizza Connection 3
Pressure Overdrive
Renowned Explorers: International Society
Tales of the Tiny Planet
TaniNani
THE CORRIDOR
AWAKE - Definitive Edition
Treasure Temples
Shu
Combat Tested
Unexplored
Rayon Riddles - Rise of the Goblin King
Circles

Killer Bundle 25
From Space
Breathedge
Police Stories
DOOM 64
Arise: A Simple Story
Patron
Baldur's Gate: Enhanced Edition
Baldur's Gate II: Enhanced Edition
Turok
Turok 2: Seeds of Evil
THE GAME OF LIFE 2
CHANGE: A Homeless Survival Experience
DESOLATE
The Hong Kong Massacre
Death and Taxes
Lair of the Clockwork God
AMID EVIL
Just Die Already
I Am Fish
Golf Gang
Hypnospace Outlaw
Dark Deity
Warhammer 40,000: Mechanicus
DUSK
River City Girls

Other Games
Another World – 20th Anniversary Edition
Chess Ultra
Godstrike
Home Sweet Home
Neighbours back From Hell
Pathologic 2
SAMUDRA
STRANGER
Songbird Symphony
The Invisible Hours
I am Bread
Hotshot Racing
Autonauts
Door Kickers: Action Squad
Iconoclasts
Patch Quest
Tunche
For The King
Abandon Ship
Book of Demons
PC Building Simulator
Pile Up! Box by Box
Snooker 19
Speed Limit
Totally Reliable Delivery Service
Youtubers Life
Dex
WRC 6 FIA World Rally Championship
V-Rally 4
PlateUp!
Turbo Golf Racing
Eternal Threads
The Last Campfire
Kingdom Two Crowns
Indivisible
White Day: A Labyrinth Named School
Field of Glory II
Warhammer 40,000: Gladius - Relics of War
Ice Age Scrat's Nutty Adventure
Soul Axiom Rebooted
A Little Golf Journey
Murder by Numbers
Chivalry: Medieval Warfare
Songbringer
STONE
Rescue Party: Live!
Rise of the Slime
Steel Rats™
Hue
Teacup
Perfect
Arcade Paradise - Arcade Paradise EP
Strange Brigade
Sifu Deluxe Edition Upgrade Bundle (EPIC)
AVICII Invector: Encore Edition
10 Second Ninja X
The Indie Mixtape
Diaries of a Spaceport Janitor
Epistory - Typing Chronicles
Heroes of Hammerwatch
Monster Slayers - Complete Edition
My Big Sister
Red Ronin
Heal
Cat Lady - The Card Game
Undungeon
Tangledeep
Styx: Shards of Darkness
Styx: Master of Shadows
Squids Odyssey
Pendula Swing - The Complete Journey
Mists of Noyah
King's Bounty: Crossworlds
Jotun: Valhalla Edition
Hero of the Kingdom: The Lost Tales 2
Hero of the Kingdom: The Lost Tales 1
Epistory - Typing Chronicles
Warhammer 40,000: Space Wolf Special Edition
Undead Horde
S.W.I.N.E. HD Remaster
Stirring Abyss
Scarlet Tower
Blood And Zombies
One More Island
Doorways: Prelude / Doorways: Holy Mountains of Flesh
Slain: Back from Hell
Lucius/Lucius 2/Lucius 3/Lucius Demake
Aragami
Deliver Us The Moon
Anuchard
Call of Juarez: Gunslinger
Darkwood
Intravenous
Unexplored 2: The Wayfarer's Legacy
Interstellar Space: Genesis
Survive the Nights
Blasphemous
Unto The End
NUTS
Cat Quest
Cosmic Star Heroine
Degrees of Separation
Pure Farming 2018
SEUM: Speedrunners from Hell
SUPER CHICKEN JUMPER
Syberia/Syberia II/Syberia 3
The Innsmouth Case
Tinytopia
Sniper ghost warrior contracts
Trine 4
Risen 3
Shadowgate
How to Survive
FORCED
Psychonauts
Warhammer 40,000: Space Wolf Special Edition
Sniper Elite 3 + Season Pass DLC
Sniper Ghost Warrior 3 - Season Pass Edition
METAL GEAR SOLID V: GROUND ZEROES
Strange Brigade Deluxe Edition
Call of Duty® Modern Warfare 3™
Sniper Elite 3
Sniper Elite 4 Deluxe Edition
Amnesia: Rebirth
PGA 2k21
Jurassic World Evolution
Darksiders Genesis
Endless Space® 2 - Digital Deluxe Edition
SID MEIER'S CIVILIZATION VI : PLATINUM EDITION
F1 2020
Titan Quest
Euro Truck Simulator 2
Witch It
BEAUTIFUL DESOLATION
CHANGE: A Homeless Survival Experience
Mighty Switch Force! Collection
Gone Home + Original Soundtrack
The WB Batman Collection
Batman: Arkham Asylum Game of the Year Edition
Batman: Arkham City - Game of the Year Edition
Beholder
Beholder 2
We Were Here Together
Kyle is Famous: Complete Edition
GRIP: Combat Racing *-GRIP: Combat Racing - Cygon Garage Kit *-GRIP: Combat Racing - Nyvoss Garage Kit *GRIP: Combat Racing - Terra Garage Kit *GRIP: Combat Racing - Vintek Garage Kit
Keep Talking and Nobody Explodes
Lead and Gold: Gangs of the Wild West
Miscreated
Second Extinction
Survive or Die
Breathedge
Dead in Vinland
Die Young
Empyrion - Galactic Survival
How to Survive 2
The Wild Eight
One Finger Death Punch 2
Power Rangers: Battle for the Grid
Slap City
Fahrenheit: Indigo Prophecy Remastered
Layers of Fear: Masterpiece Edition
Civilization: Beyond Earth – The Collection
Borderlands: The Handsome Collection
Primal Carnage: Extinction
Due Process
SimpleRockets 2
Killing Floor 2
For the King
For The King: Lost Civilization Adventure Pack
Pro Cycling Manager 2020
Tour de France 2020
Infectonator 3: Apocalypse
Warhammer: Chaosbane
Project Highrise
LAST OASIS
The Beast Inside
Terminus: Zombie Survivors
Crown Trick
Discolored
Everhood
Grand Mountain Adventure: Wonderlands
Nomad Survival
Sparklite
The Ramp
Valfaris
Dusk Diver
Neverinth
Tokyo Xanadu eX+
Zengeon
Spirit Hunter: Death Mark
Unmemory
Nigate Tale
Rogue Heroes: Ruins of Tasos
Liberated
Neversong
Nine Parchments
The Walking Dead
Secret Government
Monsters' Den: Godfall
Interplanetary: Enhanced Edition
Learn Japanese To Survive! Hiragana Battle
Learn Japanese To Survive! Kanji Combat
Learn Japanese To Survive! Katakana War
The Eternal Castle [REMASTERED]
THIS WAR OF MINE: COMPLETE EDITION
Cats in Time
Afterparty
Battlecruisers
Astronarch
Save Room - Organization Puzzle
PlataGO! Super Platform Game Maker
Nongunz: Doppelganger Edition
Warhammer vermintide collector's edition
Brothers: A Tale of Two Sons
Tank Mechanic Simulator
The Uncertain: Light At The End
INSOMNIA: The Ark
Darkside Detective
Shadow Tactics: Blades of the Shogun
GIGA WRECKER
Panty Party
Fell Seal: Arbiter's Mark
Tannenberg
Golf It!
Heroes of Hammerwatch
The Battle of Polytopia *DLC1. Cymanti Tribe *DLC2. ∑∫ỹriȱŋ Tribe *DLC3. Aquarion Tribe *DLC4. Polaris Tribe
Leisure Suit Larry - Wet Dreams Don't Dry
Lornsword Winter Chronicle
Oddworld: New 'n' Tasty
N++ (NPLUSPLUS)
Yooka-Laylee and the Impossible Lair
Virgo Versus The Zodiac
They Bleed Pixels
Maize
Smile For Me
The Haunted Island, a Frog Detective Game
Frog Detective 2: The Case of the Invisible Wizard
A Hole New World
Sumoman
Shape of the World
Evan's Remains
Ministry of Broadcast
She Sees Red - Interactive Movie
A Long Way Down
Depraved
Helheim Hassle
Neurodeck : Psychological Deckbuilder
Tropico 5 - Complete Collection
Escapists 2
Worms Rumble *Worms Rumble - New Challengers Pack *Worms Rumble - Legends Pack *Worms Rumble - Armageddon Weapon Skin Pack *Worms Rumble - Captain & Shark Double Pack
Achtung! Cthulhu Tactics
Turmoil
Narcos: Rise of the Cartels
Rogue Stormers
Torchlight
Fictorum
Ken Follett's The Pillars of the Earth
Moon Hunters
No Time to Relax
Overpass
Blood Bowl 2
SimCity 4 Deluxe Edition
Conarium
Brawlout
F1 RACE STARS Complete Edition Include DLC
Killing Room
Tenta Shooter / The 触シュー
Everreach: Project Eden
Railway Empire
Looterkings
Headsnatchers
Battlestar Galactica Deadlock
AIdol
Livelock
The Letter - Horror Visual Novel
F1 2018
Tacoma
Hard West - Collector's Edition
Hard West: Scars of Freedom DLC
Masquerada: Songs and Shadows
The Shrouded Isle
Joint Task Force
The World Next Door
Verdant Skies
DISTRAINT 2
Ittle Dew
Ittle Dew 2+
Oxenfree
Monstrum
Strikey Sisters
Do Not Feed the Monkeys
Cyber Ops
European Ship Simulator
Fishing Adventure
Internet Cafe Simulator
Zen Chess: Mate in One, Mate in 2 , Mate in 3 , Mate in 4 , Champion's Moves (5 games)
Transport INC
Shoppe Keep 2 - Business and Agriculture RPG Simulation
Desolate
GRIP: Combat Racing + DLC
OUTBUDDIES DX
Eidolon
Pizza Connection 3
Spartan Fist
River City Ransom: Underground
Saints Row: The Third
Koi-Koi Japan [Hanafuda playing cards] *Koi-Koi Japan : UKIYOE tours Vol.1 DLC *Koi-Koi Japan : UKIYOE tours Vol.2 DLC *Koi-Koi Japan : UKIYOE tours Vol.3 DLC
Mahjong Pretty Girls Battle
Mahjong Pretty Girls Battle : School Girls Edition
Pretty Girls Mahjong Solitaire
Princess Kaguya: Legend of the Moon Warrior
Delicious! Pretty Girls Mahjong Solitaire
Chaos Reborn
Driftland: The Magic Revival
Shadows: Awakening
Caveblazers
Fallback: Uprising
Mordheim: City of the Damned
WRC 7 FIA World Rally Championship
Mana Spark
Autonauts
Nusakana
Shift Happens
Crash Drive 3
Hot Tin Roof: The Cat That Wore A Fedora
Automachef
Demolish & Build 2017
Resort Boss: Golf
Out of Space
Narita Boy
Aven Colony
Alien Breed Trilogy
Tools up
Mount & Blade
Mount & Blade: With Fire & Sword
BLACKHOLE: Complete Edition
Detention
Downfall
Miasmata
Overclocked: A History of Violence
Silver Chains
White Night
The Cat Lady
Syberia 3
Textorcist
GARAGE bad trip
Guts and glory
Swag and Sorcery
Fort Triumph
Orwell: Ignorance is Strength
FRAMED Collection
ROTASTIC
As Far as the Eye
Cepheus Protocol
Overruled
Ageless
Giana Sisters 2D
Prank Call
Hotshot Racing
Undead Horde
Streets of Fury EX
Rec Center Tycoon
JumpJet Rex
Hyper Knights
Vectronom
Levelhead
I am not a Monster: First Contact
Papo & Yo
Crookz the big heist
Iron Fisticle
Sniper: Ghost Warrior 2
Fun with Ragdolls: The Game
Reventure
Smoke and Sacrifice
American Fugitive
The Signal From Tölva
Medieval Kingdom Wars
Rebel Galaxy
XIII - Classic
Comedy Night
Darkness Within 2: The Dark Lineage
FLATLAND Vol.2
The Chess Variants Club
Armada 2526 Gold Edition
Toybox Turbos
Sudden Strike Gold
Airport Madness: World Edition
King's Bounty: Warriors of the North
Planet Alcatraz
NecroVisioN: Lost Company
Star Wolves
Konung 2
Men of War
A.I.M.2 Clan Wars
Parkan 2
El Matador
Ascension to the Throne
Peaky Blinders: Mastermind
The Flame in the Flood
When Ski Lifts Go Wrong
Bomber Crew
10 Second Ninja X
The Sacred Tears TRUE
Fred3ric
Lovecraft's Untold Stories
Path to Mnemosyne
CastleStorm
Crush Your Enemies
Semblance
S.W.I.N.E. HD Remaster
Radio Commander
Boneless Zombie
Robot Squad Simulator 2017
Pretty Girls Panic!
Poker Pretty Girls Battle: Texas Hold'em
VVVVVV
Warhammer Space wolf
Blazing Chrome
Car Mechanic Simulator 2015
Pang Adventures
Party Hard 2
REKT! High Octane Stunts
Thief of Thieves: Season One
Trailblazers
Warhammer: End Times - Vermintide
Demetrios - Deluxe Edition
Cobra Kai: The Karate Kid Saga Continues
GemCraft - Frostborn Wrath
Nickelodeon Kart Racers 2: Grand Prix
Rebel Galaxy Outlaw
Shadowhand: RPG Card Game
Survivalist: Invisible Strain
We Were Here Too
Blacksad: Under the Skin
Heroes of Hammerwatch
Leisure Suit Larry 1-7
Murder by Numbers
Redout: Enhanced Edition
Rise of Industry + 2130 DLC
Ziggurat
They Bleed Pixels
Sunblaze
Noosphere
Train Valley 1+2
Door Kickers: Action Squad
Vikings - Wolves of Midgard
Vambrace: Cold Soul
The Void
The Vagrant
Republique
Nephise: Ascension
Leisure Suit Larry - Wet Dreams Don't Dry
Knock-knock
Jewel Match Atlantis Solitaire - Collector's Edition
Healer's Quest
Fictorum
A Robot Named Fight!
Skautfold Chapters 1-4
Hero of the Kingdom: Trilogy
198X
Danger Scavenger
Doctor Who: The Lonely Assassins
Dread X Collection
Going Under
My Lovely Daughter
Rage in Peace
Flashback
Garfield Kart
Curse: The Eye of Isis
Amerzone: The Explorer’s Legacy
Black Moon Chronicles
Nostradamus: The Last Prophecy
Red Riding Hood - Star Crossed Lovers
Chicago 1930 : The Prohibition
Sinking Island
Haegemonia: Legions of Iron
Occultus - Mediterranean Cabal
Gevaudan
Windscape
Ultra Space Battle Brawl
Through the Woods
This is the Zodiac Speaking
The Uncertain: Light At The End
The Uncertain - The Last Quiet Day
Tales
Tales of the Neon Sea
Styx: Master of Shadows
She and the Light Bearer
Epistory - Typing Chronicles
A Wolf in Autumn
The Music Machine
Jalopy
Insane 2
Antigraviator
All-Star Fruit Racing
Constructor Plus
Ice Lakes
Knights of Pen & Paper 2
Victoria II
Kingdom Come: Deliverance – Band of Bastards
Kingdom Come: Deliverance – From the Ashes
Mindustry

Games
Cube Runner
Slash It Ultimate
Slash It 2
Slash It
Cybercube
Poly Island
Spin Rush
Upside Down
Neon Space
Hungry Flame
Charlie's Adventure
Neon Space 2
Duke of Alpha Centauri

VR Games
House Flipper VR
Telefrag VR
Slinger VR

Wishlist

https://www.reddit.com/IGSRep/comments/pikmri/calvin324hks_igs_rep_page/
https://www.reddit.com/sgsflaicomments/of2wzu/flair_profile_ucalvin324hk/
Region: NA (Canada)
Price are in USD. Fees on buyer.
CTRL + F to find your games in terms of name
Humble Keys <------ Click Here to see a full list of humble keys
Yakuza: Like a Dragon Legendary Hero Edition
Two Point Hospital
Castlevania: Lords of Shadow – Ultimate Edition
Trek to Yomi
Shadow Warrior 3
BATTLETECH MERCENARY COLLECTION
BATTLETECH Shadow Hawk Pack
Knights of Pen and Paper +1 Edition
Knights of Pen and Paper - Haunted Fall
KNIGHTS OF PEN AND PAPER 2 - DELUXIEST EDITION
Knights of Pen and Paper 2 - Here Be Dragons
Deathloop
Hell Let Loose
Hellblade: Senua's Sacrifice
F1 2019 Anniversary Edition
Valkryia Chronicles 4 Complete Edition
Mafia Definitive Edition
Mordhau
Back 4 Blood
Little Hope
Peaky Blinders: Mastermind
Visage
death stranding
Slay the Spire
Praey for the Gods
Degrees of Separation
Ghostrunner
Hellblade: Senua's Sacrifice
Control Ultimate Edition
Encore Duke Nukem: Manhattan Project
Hyper Light Drifter
Dirt 5
Ultimate Chicken Horse
Kentucky Route Zero - Season Pass Edition
Dreamfall Chapters
Wuppo
Human: Fall Flat
Northgard
The Witness
Borderlands: The Handsome Collection
MO:Astray
Metro Exodus
Pathfinder: Kingmaker - Enhanced Plus Edition
Super Mag Bot
Blade Assault
Where the Water Tastes Like Wine
TOEM
Backbone
GreedFall
Wasteland 3
GAS STATION SIMULATOR
IN SOUND MIND
MIND SCANNERS
EMILY IS AWAY <3
OMNO
ATOM RPG Trudograd
Banners of Ruin
Lawn Mowing Simulator
Legend of Keepers
Yes, Your Grace
Endzone - A World Apart
60 Parsecs
XCOM: ULTIMATE COLLECTION
PGA 2K21
Bioshock Collection
Warhammer: Vermintide 2 - Collector's Edition
JUST CAUSE 4: COMPLETE EDITION
Plague tale
Gas station simulator
Mind scanners
BATTLESTAR GALACTICA DEADLOCK SEASON ONE
Gamedec
Command & Conquer Remastered (Origin)
Surviving The Aftermath
Genesis Noir
Dirt Rally 2.0

Stand With Ukraine Charity Bundle
Gang Beasts
Tinkertown
Cloud Gardens
Blightbound
Stick Fight: The Game
Railway Empire
Mad Experiments: Escape Room
ibb & obb Double Pack
The Falconeer
Truberbrook
At Eve's Wake
Interrogation: You will be deceived
Hoplegs
Cannibal Cuisine
Necronator: Dead Wrong
Awesomenauts All Nauts pack
1993 Space Machine
8-bit Adventure Anthology: Volume I
ChromaGun
Baby Dino Adventures
Click and Slay
Swords and Soldiers 2 Shawarmageddon
Cosmonautica
Crash Drive 2
Dimension Drive
The Way
Explosionade
Gelly Break Deluxe
Guppy
Journey For Elysium
Last Resort Island
Lumini
Marooners
Nelly Cootalot: Spoonbeaks Ahoy! HD
Pizza Connection 3
Pressure Overdrive
Renowned Explorers: International Society
Tales of the Tiny Planet
TaniNani
THE CORRIDOR
AWAKE - Definitive Edition
Treasure Temples
Shu
Combat Tested
Unexplored
Rayon Riddles - Rise of the Goblin King
Circles

Killer Bundle 25
From Space
Breathedge
Police Stories
DOOM 64
Arise: A Simple Story
Patron
Baldur's Gate: Enhanced Edition
Baldur's Gate II: Enhanced Edition
Turok
Turok 2: Seeds of Evil
THE GAME OF LIFE 2
CHANGE: A Homeless Survival Experience
DESOLATE
The Hong Kong Massacre
Death and Taxes
Lair of the Clockwork God
AMID EVIL
Just Die Already
I Am Fish
Golf Gang
Hypnospace Outlaw
Dark Deity
Warhammer 40,000: Mechanicus
DUSK
River City Girls

Other Games
Another World – 20th Anniversary Edition
Chess Ultra
Godstrike
Home Sweet Home
Neighbours back From Hell
Pathologic 2
SAMUDRA
STRANGER
Songbird Symphony
The Invisible Hours
I am Bread
Hotshot Racing
Autonauts
Door Kickers: Action Squad
Iconoclasts
Patch Quest
Tunche
For The King
Abandon Ship
Book of Demons
PC Building Simulator
Pile Up! Box by Box
Snooker 19
Speed Limit
Totally Reliable Delivery Service
Youtubers Life
Dex
WRC 6 FIA World Rally Championship
V-Rally 4
PlateUp!
Turbo Golf Racing
Eternal Threads
The Last Campfire
Kingdom Two Crowns
Indivisible
White Day: A Labyrinth Named School
Field of Glory II
Warhammer 40,000: Gladius - Relics of War
Ice Age Scrat's Nutty Adventure
Soul Axiom Rebooted
A Little Golf Journey
Murder by Numbers
Chivalry: Medieval Warfare
Songbringer
STONE
Rescue Party: Live!
Rise of the Slime
Steel Rats™
Hue
Teacup
Perfect
Arcade Paradise - Arcade Paradise EP
Strange Brigade
Sifu Deluxe Edition Upgrade Bundle (EPIC)
AVICII Invector: Encore Edition
10 Second Ninja X
The Indie Mixtape
Diaries of a Spaceport Janitor
Epistory - Typing Chronicles
Heroes of Hammerwatch
Monster Slayers - Complete Edition
My Big Sister
Red Ronin
Heal
Cat Lady - The Card Game
Undungeon
Tangledeep
Styx: Shards of Darkness
Styx: Master of Shadows
Squids Odyssey
Pendula Swing - The Complete Journey
Mists of Noyah
King's Bounty: Crossworlds
Jotun: Valhalla Edition
Hero of the Kingdom: The Lost Tales 2
Hero of the Kingdom: The Lost Tales 1
Epistory - Typing Chronicles
Warhammer 40,000: Space Wolf Special Edition
Undead Horde
S.W.I.N.E. HD Remaster
Stirring Abyss
Scarlet Tower
Blood And Zombies
One More Island
Doorways: Prelude / Doorways: Holy Mountains of Flesh
Slain: Back from Hell
Lucius/Lucius 2/Lucius 3/Lucius Demake
Aragami
Deliver Us The Moon
Anuchard
Call of Juarez: Gunslinger
Darkwood
Intravenous
Unexplored 2: The Wayfarer's Legacy
Interstellar Space: Genesis
Survive the Nights
Blasphemous
Unto The End
NUTS
Cat Quest
Cosmic Star Heroine
Degrees of Separation
Pure Farming 2018
SEUM: Speedrunners from Hell
SUPER CHICKEN JUMPER
Syberia/Syberia II/Syberia 3
The Innsmouth Case
Tinytopia
Sniper ghost warrior contracts
Trine 4
Risen 3
Shadowgate
How to Survive
FORCED
Psychonauts
Warhammer 40,000: Space Wolf Special Edition
Sniper Elite 3 + Season Pass DLC
Sniper Ghost Warrior 3 - Season Pass Edition
METAL GEAR SOLID V: GROUND ZEROES
Strange Brigade Deluxe Edition
Call of Duty® Modern Warfare 3™
Sniper Elite 3
Sniper Elite 4 Deluxe Edition
Amnesia: Rebirth
PGA 2k21
Jurassic World Evolution
Darksiders Genesis
Endless Space® 2 - Digital Deluxe Edition
SID MEIER'S CIVILIZATION VI : PLATINUM EDITION
F1 2020
Titan Quest
Euro Truck Simulator 2
Witch It
BEAUTIFUL DESOLATION
CHANGE: A Homeless Survival Experience
Mighty Switch Force! Collection
Gone Home + Original Soundtrack
The WB Batman Collection
Batman: Arkham Asylum Game of the Year Edition
Batman: Arkham City - Game of the Year Edition
Beholder
Beholder 2
We Were Here Together
Kyle is Famous: Complete Edition
GRIP: Combat Racing *-GRIP: Combat Racing - Cygon Garage Kit *-GRIP: Combat Racing - Nyvoss Garage Kit *GRIP: Combat Racing - Terra Garage Kit *GRIP: Combat Racing - Vintek Garage Kit
Keep Talking and Nobody Explodes
Lead and Gold: Gangs of the Wild West
Miscreated
Second Extinction
Survive or Die
Breathedge
Dead in Vinland
Die Young
Empyrion - Galactic Survival
How to Survive 2
The Wild Eight
One Finger Death Punch 2
Power Rangers: Battle for the Grid
Slap City
Fahrenheit: Indigo Prophecy Remastered
Layers of Fear: Masterpiece Edition
Civilization: Beyond Earth – The Collection
Borderlands: The Handsome Collection
Primal Carnage: Extinction
Due Process
SimpleRockets 2
Killing Floor 2
For the King
For The King: Lost Civilization Adventure Pack
Pro Cycling Manager 2020
Tour de France 2020
Infectonator 3: Apocalypse
Warhammer: Chaosbane
Project Highrise
LAST OASIS
The Beast Inside
Terminus: Zombie Survivors
Crown Trick
Discolored
Everhood
Grand Mountain Adventure: Wonderlands
Nomad Survival
Sparklite
The Ramp
Valfaris
Dusk Diver
Neverinth
Tokyo Xanadu eX+
Zengeon
Spirit Hunter: Death Mark
Unmemory
Nigate Tale
Rogue Heroes: Ruins of Tasos
Liberated
Neversong
Nine Parchments
The Walking Dead
Secret Government
Monsters' Den: Godfall
Interplanetary: Enhanced Edition
Learn Japanese To Survive! Hiragana Battle
Learn Japanese To Survive! Kanji Combat
Learn Japanese To Survive! Katakana War
The Eternal Castle [REMASTERED]
THIS WAR OF MINE: COMPLETE EDITION
Cats in Time
Afterparty
Battlecruisers
Astronarch
Save Room - Organization Puzzle
PlataGO! Super Platform Game Maker
Nongunz: Doppelganger Edition
Warhammer vermintide collector's edition
Brothers: A Tale of Two Sons
Tank Mechanic Simulator
The Uncertain: Light At The End
INSOMNIA: The Ark
Darkside Detective
Shadow Tactics: Blades of the Shogun
GIGA WRECKER
Panty Party
Fell Seal: Arbiter's Mark
Tannenberg
Golf It!
Heroes of Hammerwatch
The Battle of Polytopia *DLC1. Cymanti Tribe *DLC2. ∑∫ỹriȱŋ Tribe *DLC3. Aquarion Tribe *DLC4. Polaris Tribe
Leisure Suit Larry - Wet Dreams Don't Dry
Lornsword Winter Chronicle
Oddworld: New 'n' Tasty
N++ (NPLUSPLUS)
Yooka-Laylee and the Impossible Lair
Virgo Versus The Zodiac
They Bleed Pixels
Maize
Smile For Me
The Haunted Island, a Frog Detective Game
Frog Detective 2: The Case of the Invisible Wizard
A Hole New World
Sumoman
Shape of the World
Evan's Remains
Ministry of Broadcast
She Sees Red - Interactive Movie
A Long Way Down
Depraved
Helheim Hassle
Neurodeck : Psychological Deckbuilder
Tropico 5 - Complete Collection
Escapists 2
Worms Rumble *Worms Rumble - New Challengers Pack *Worms Rumble - Legends Pack *Worms Rumble - Armageddon Weapon Skin Pack *Worms Rumble - Captain & Shark Double Pack
Achtung! Cthulhu Tactics
Turmoil
Narcos: Rise of the Cartels
Rogue Stormers
Torchlight
Fictorum
Ken Follett's The Pillars of the Earth
Moon Hunters
No Time to Relax
Overpass
Blood Bowl 2
SimCity 4 Deluxe Edition
Conarium
Brawlout
F1 RACE STARS Complete Edition Include DLC
Killing Room
Tenta Shooter / The 触シュー
Everreach: Project Eden
Railway Empire
Looterkings
Headsnatchers
Battlestar Galactica Deadlock
AIdol
Livelock
The Letter - Horror Visual Novel
F1 2018
Tacoma
Hard West - Collector's Edition
Hard West: Scars of Freedom DLC
Masquerada: Songs and Shadows
The Shrouded Isle
Joint Task Force
The World Next Door
Verdant Skies
DISTRAINT 2
Ittle Dew
Ittle Dew 2+
Oxenfree
Monstrum
Strikey Sisters
Do Not Feed the Monkeys
Cyber Ops
European Ship Simulator
Fishing Adventure
Internet Cafe Simulator
Zen Chess: Mate in One, Mate in 2 , Mate in 3 , Mate in 4 , Champion's Moves (5 games)
Transport INC
Shoppe Keep 2 - Business and Agriculture RPG Simulation
Desolate
GRIP: Combat Racing + DLC
OUTBUDDIES DX
Eidolon
Pizza Connection 3
Spartan Fist
River City Ransom: Underground
Saints Row: The Third
Koi-Koi Japan [Hanafuda playing cards] *Koi-Koi Japan : UKIYOE tours Vol.1 DLC *Koi-Koi Japan : UKIYOE tours Vol.2 DLC *Koi-Koi Japan : UKIYOE tours Vol.3 DLC
Mahjong Pretty Girls Battle
Mahjong Pretty Girls Battle : School Girls Edition
Pretty Girls Mahjong Solitaire
Princess Kaguya: Legend of the Moon Warrior
Delicious! Pretty Girls Mahjong Solitaire
Chaos Reborn
Driftland: The Magic Revival
Shadows: Awakening
Caveblazers
Fallback: Uprising
Mordheim: City of the Damned
WRC 7 FIA World Rally Championship
Mana Spark
Autonauts
Nusakana
Shift Happens
Crash Drive 3
Hot Tin Roof: The Cat That Wore A Fedora
Automachef
Demolish & Build 2017
Resort Boss: Golf
Out of Space
Narita Boy
Aven Colony
Alien Breed Trilogy
Tools up
Mount & Blade
Mount & Blade: With Fire & Sword
BLACKHOLE: Complete Edition
Detention
Downfall
Miasmata
Overclocked: A History of Violence
Silver Chains
White Night
The Cat Lady
Syberia 3
Textorcist
GARAGE bad trip
Guts and glory
Swag and Sorcery
Fort Triumph
Orwell: Ignorance is Strength
FRAMED Collection
ROTASTIC
As Far as the Eye
Cepheus Protocol
Overruled
Ageless
Giana Sisters 2D
Prank Call
Hotshot Racing
Undead Horde
Streets of Fury EX
Rec Center Tycoon
JumpJet Rex
Hyper Knights
Vectronom
Levelhead
I am not a Monster: First Contact
Papo & Yo
Crookz the big heist
Iron Fisticle
Sniper: Ghost Warrior 2
Fun with Ragdolls: The Game
Reventure
Smoke and Sacrifice
American Fugitive
The Signal From Tölva
Medieval Kingdom Wars
Rebel Galaxy
XIII - Classic
Comedy Night
Darkness Within 2: The Dark Lineage
FLATLAND Vol.2
The Chess Variants Club
Armada 2526 Gold Edition
Toybox Turbos
Sudden Strike Gold
Airport Madness: World Edition
King's Bounty: Warriors of the North
Planet Alcatraz
NecroVisioN: Lost Company
Star Wolves
Konung 2
Men of War
A.I.M.2 Clan Wars
Parkan 2
El Matador
Ascension to the Throne
Peaky Blinders: Mastermind
The Flame in the Flood
When Ski Lifts Go Wrong
Bomber Crew
10 Second Ninja X
The Sacred Tears TRUE
Fred3ric
Lovecraft's Untold Stories
Path to Mnemosyne
CastleStorm
Crush Your Enemies
Semblance
S.W.I.N.E. HD Remaster
Radio Commander
Boneless Zombie
Robot Squad Simulator 2017
Pretty Girls Panic!
Poker Pretty Girls Battle: Texas Hold'em
VVVVVV
Warhammer Space wolf
Blazing Chrome
Car Mechanic Simulator 2015
Pang Adventures
Party Hard 2
REKT! High Octane Stunts
Thief of Thieves: Season One
Trailblazers
Warhammer: End Times - Vermintide
Demetrios - Deluxe Edition
Cobra Kai: The Karate Kid Saga Continues
GemCraft - Frostborn Wrath
Nickelodeon Kart Racers 2: Grand Prix
Rebel Galaxy Outlaw
Shadowhand: RPG Card Game
Survivalist: Invisible Strain
We Were Here Too
Blacksad: Under the Skin
Heroes of Hammerwatch
Leisure Suit Larry 1-7
Murder by Numbers
Redout: Enhanced Edition
Rise of Industry + 2130 DLC
Ziggurat
They Bleed Pixels
Sunblaze
Noosphere
Train Valley 1+2
Door Kickers: Action Squad
Vikings - Wolves of Midgard
Vambrace: Cold Soul
The Void
The Vagrant
Republique
Nephise: Ascension
Leisure Suit Larry - Wet Dreams Don't Dry
Knock-knock
Jewel Match Atlantis Solitaire - Collector's Edition
Healer's Quest
Fictorum
A Robot Named Fight!
Skautfold Chapters 1-4
Hero of the Kingdom: Trilogy
198X
Danger Scavenger
Doctor Who: The Lonely Assassins
Dread X Collection
Going Under
My Lovely Daughter
Rage in Peace
Flashback
Garfield Kart
Curse: The Eye of Isis
Amerzone: The Explorer’s Legacy
Black Moon Chronicles
Nostradamus: The Last Prophecy
Red Riding Hood - Star Crossed Lovers
Chicago 1930 : The Prohibition
Sinking Island
Haegemonia: Legions of Iron
Occultus - Mediterranean Cabal
Gevaudan
Windscape
Ultra Space Battle Brawl
Through the Woods
This is the Zodiac Speaking
The Uncertain: Light At The End
The Uncertain - The Last Quiet Day
Tales
Tales of the Neon Sea
Styx: Master of Shadows
She and the Light Bearer
Epistory - Typing Chronicles
A Wolf in Autumn
The Music Machine
Jalopy
Insane 2
Clustertruck
Antigraviator
All-Star Fruit Racing
Constructor Plus
Ice Lakes
Knights of Pen & Paper 2
Victoria II
Kingdom Come: Deliverance – Band of Bastards
Kingdom Come: Deliverance – From the Ashes
Mindustry

Games
Cube Runner
Slash It Ultimate
Slash It 2
Slash It
Cybercube
Poly Island
Spin Rush
Upside Down
Neon Space
Hungry Flame
Charlie's Adventure
Neon Space 2
Duke of Alpha Centauri

VR Games
House Flipper VR
Telefrag VR
Slinger VR

Wishlist

Today's games repulse me with their copycat, timid and shallow character. Though it seems like there is a variety of concepts flashing around, in practice games revolve around the same half-dozen tropes. Their hallmark sign is that it is nothing that is not seen on TV. If the game's idea is not a reflection of the modern world from someone who, by all appearances, has never read a real book or has experience to share, then it's Pirates in Some Carribean, or the Victorian Age When Jack the Ripper Roamed in a Black Cab, or the Middle Ages with Standard Treachery, or Abstract Space Exploration. I was sick and tired of this a few years ago, now I have all but given up on this art form. Even when the concept is interesting, it is rarely taken far or with force. Neutered developers are afraid to give offense and as a result make bland, short-breathing stuff, but I think the sharp edges are never there to begin with anymore. I don't know anybody who sets out to defy the world, stand apart from its simulations and blandishments and spit a good gob in its ugly square face.
I have never had an opportunity to make a game of my own (it takes a team besides everything else), but I have made mods for a very old RPG for years - new mechanics, plots, magic, quests, effects, scripts, writing and so on. I have more or less put that old engine on its head, though I know hardly anyone will ever find out about my efforts. This is to say that I am not a pure theorist. Some time in the winter, bored and exasperated, I decided to do a quick marathon of game ideas - for RPG, quests, simulations, something in-between - and see how many I can whip out on the run. I would like something from here picked up by a company, but I am not advertising. I realize that is probably not something that might happen. It was a good exercise for me, however. Here are the results for all to see. I did ten first, then three more occurred to me.
1 ) Circa Caotica
You play the role of Jabsh, a clown of a traveling circus, who suddenly discovers that he is no orphan but the son (Raka, daughter for female players) of the director, Maestro Leotardi. Minutes later after making the sobbing confession the boss is swallowed by the Crocodile Man in a suspicious accident. You have to own up to the unexpected legacy and step into the tight and tall boots of the director. Your responsibility is to keep the circus going by fine-tuning and inventing acts based on ideas solicited over regular all-troupe brainstorming sessions despite little starting respect from the others, who have decided to unionize as well (the mentalist takes notes). You must keep drawing in crowds to avert the bankruptcy, earn respect and manipulation points and find the truth behind Leotardi's death and the disappearance of the Big Green cashbox with everyone's last year salary and the medallion that supposedly bears the face of your mother the same evening. All the while you still have to perform in regular clown acts with your partner. You can play as a red clown or a white clown, and the other type will be your foil.
2) Nachtwaffe
"Ah, count. Decided to join me for a walk?" Vampires steal planes from the Nazi airforce to zoom through the dark skies over the Balkans and turn humans to make more of their own. You start out as a single nosferatu, converted from an arrogant German, and must find and raid small airports and landing strips across the forests and mountains of Roumania, impersonate a living officer to get supplies and fuel, avoid communist guerillas, find and build places to hide during the day and choose which humans to turn to expand your force. Naturally, it is all quite a dead end, as the war is bound to finish sooner or later, which radio broadcasts confirm, and what then will happen to the vampiric empire? But this is something that the gameplay begins to convey to the player gradually. Hopefully the fate of someone who has no future but still does his all will touch some dormant strings in players' hearts.
3) Yuck!
The sleepy Tibetan village of Dongtso is unaware of what lurks in the bushes and the mountains: you, the desperately lonely yak-man. Born with a big head and two horns, you have only one connection to civilization: the gold ring in your nose. Squinting cross-eyed, you can just make out some kind of symbols on it, and a banner over the village shrine features ones like them. This must be the key. You have to lurk about the supersititious hamlet, helping the folk at night and out of sight with small chores and evesdropping on their reactions and conversations until you can pick up a few words, including, at some point, "Hello." Since this is a game about Tibet and shaping up something rebellious, let the tongue be one of Tibet's many and accompanied by Tibetan script. You can train to pronounce the words when you dare show yourself to children, old people and widows, to improve from mooing to legible speech, but until then you have to dodge men's hunting parties and survive. With enough good deeds and a few friends, you might win the folk's confidence and stand before the village council so that someone might teach you to read. The quest becomes complicated, however, by the appearance of the army of People's Republic of China that establishes a base in the village in its push to subdue Tibet. The year is 1952. One of the newcomers is a local - a renegade llama who, the villagers say, has been on many supernatural journeys in the mountains, even to Shangri-La, but is now wearing the uniform of Tibet's conquerors. The writing on the ring, deciphered, identifies him as your father. What will happen next?
4) Footlocker
This is a soccer-themed RPG, but you view the sport from the point of view of a bookie besieged on all sides by mafia. To pay back his debt he resolves on a colossal set-up: first get control of an underdog team, then bring them at least to the regional semi-finals and, with the bets in their favor, make them lose in a big way. The thugs are ready to provide cash handouts, leg-breaking, knuckle sandwiches, addictive opioids and more to get the right people on the team and stubborn elements out, but at the cost of increased control and cut of the profits. You must balance their appetities with placating sports authorities, the press, sponsors and police. In the final match a dilemma presents itself: go through with the plan and ruin the team or defy the gangsters and take your chances on the right side of the tracks?
5) And See It Again For the First Time
Starting out from your homeland on three caravels, you unfurl the sails and set out to circumnavigate the world. The globe is randomly generated every time and rolls away at the horizon, with the map, continents and straits unknown beforehand, in the manner of River Raid. Your characters are the three ships and their crews, condition and supplies are their stats. Dropping anchor at strange shores and dealing with natives will be necessary but dangerous as they fight with each other, shuffle and migrate like microbes. Loss of crew can't be repaired. At least one of the ships must find the passages and make it to the fabulous Gate of Makhamedi, enter it from the far side and begin the journey home.
6) The Person and the Essence
In the beginning chapter you play Sauqin, second-in-command to general Varziranga, head of the army of the Arcolan Empire sent to quash the rebellion of Panlaa, who has tried to bring his province to secede. The imperial army has crushed Panlaa'a troops a fortnight ago and has got him shut in the Ravine of the Gold Specks. Complete victory is near, but the commander has been acting strangely since the battle. On this decisive night his behavior spins out of control just as Panlaa makes a sudden sally from his trap, causing great confusion. As his lieutenant, it falls to you to maintain order in dealing with the various officers as well as the clerics of the One, who insist that Panlaa, a lapsed pagan, be given to them for execution once he is captured. The ending of the chapter will determine whether Panlaa ends in the emperor's prison in the capital, Hotharsoom, alive or dead at the clerics' hands, whether Varziranga will be simply demoted or disgraced.
Chapter two will take place in the capital city. You will have been promoted to a top military command for your performance, only to become embroiled in an intrigue involving the emperor's controlling mother, a consequential schism in the church of the One over whether the head of state is eternally the same person reincarnated or a series of persons, demagogues in the public and lurking pagans with unclear motives. Other chapters will follow, and the endings will determine who sits on the throne and who stands behind it, whether state policy is in principle subject to revision and criticism or not and whether the pagan faiths are crushed without mercy or adopted into the church of the One. The material here is Byzantium, Egypt with the notion of the pharaoh as incarnate Horus and the empires of southeast Asia. Some early Christian heresies also deserve to be revivified.
7) Of Rats and Men
You are a rat trapped in the gears of the Trumpet of Doom, the hugest, heaviest and most advanced steam ship ever to paddle the Grumuous Sea. This basin is famously salty enough to let even an iron float for a time, which, the public money finally gathered, made it the perfect road to carry the 25-inch-gunned ("24 + 1 for Paterland!") Trumpet to the shores of Festaly and at last give those Festalians what for! The citizenry is cheering with patriotic joy, the brass bands are blowing. The ship rats are less happy, especially you, who were captain Reissenpouf's pet before you managed to scramble through a porthole and below the desk as he was buttering a toast. You are nearly panicky with fright. Unlike the locals there, you have spent time locked with the diagrams in the captain's safe and know that the battleship is very weakly armored below the waterline. Someone must have made a good bit of business during the construction selling the metal. When the Trumpet comes up against the Festalians with their triton suicides or their rumored counterpart ship, the Rough Musician, not even the Grumuous Sea will keep it from ending up as a gigantic, barnacled wreck on the ocean floor.
To avoid this fate you only have so much time to organize the other rats for systematic sabotage. The game's world is the enormous ship below and above the deck. The humans of the crew are, of course, adamant in their resolve to get themselves killed, so they will repair the servos, the cables turning the massive gears, the ball bearings, the hydraulics and the rest almost as quickly as those are destroyed. This effort will be headed by the near-transparent, monochrome spindle of a man, Admiral Hel, the leader of the expedition, always of his private high deck, sipping his black milk and staring through his spectacles ahead to where TOD's fate awaits it. If all of you ratfolk together gnaw through and spoil enough of the ship's devices, however, the captain might just have the authority to radio Kaiser Walzer of the decision to turn back... though you personally may also have to sneak back into his cabin to sit on his pillow and intone suggestions as he sleeps. The fact that you are an albino rat and at first come across as a crazy visionary doesn't help, and neither does being a female rat and having to give birth to a litter every so often. The current mate can be deputied on tasks while lactating. Other ships may sometimes be encountered in the sea, with different results, and you may improve your reputation in the murine community by predicting these encounters, if you check the looking glass often enough. The length of the game, and hence the difficulty, depends on the distance to Festalian waters - from two weeks' journey to three months.
8) Cosmic Choir
You play as one of the planets of the solar system. The other actors and your partners are the thieving and scurrilous Mercury, the lusty and sly Venus, the militant braggart Mars and so on. And you are the meh-in-the-middle Earth, and in this group of strong personalities stand out with your unique ability of Rational Decision (it would be nice to get Woody Allen for the voice acting, were he younger). Other planets have other powers, and all of them certain characteristics and appetites (for tasty meteorites, for more intimate or more standoffish orbits and so on). The plot revolves around the announcement of the Sun that it has had enough of burning hydrogen and wants to retire, going immediately into the red giant phase, which would, of course, burn up all of the inner planets and kick the outer planets way out. For this the star has recruited a planet-sized asteroid, large enough to pull most of the star fuel away so that the moribund transformation may be set in motion. The euthanatic dark planet is whirring ever closer. Before it gets on a near enough orbit to disrupt the Sun the other planets must find out what caused this sudden depression and persuade their ruler and source of life otherwise. (The answer is that the Sun has always dreamt of going nova but lacks substance.) Playing as the only inhabited planet, you must also keep the life forms on you alive through all of the maneuvering. If you can get Mars to cooperate, however, you may shorten the distance enough for humanity and some of the ecosystems to make the leap and found Musk City there, and then you won't have to care about your surface anymore.
9) Paris, 1245 A.D.
A meticulously researched simulation of the criminal underworld of medieval Paris and the worlds that abutted on it: those of the church, guilds, city watch, the university, lepers, the court and so on. No shortcuts and simplifications for babies who can't tell a Benedictine from a Cistercian. A dynamically filled encyclopedia may be included, though, and remain permanently unlocked for later replays. The main character is a vagrant and a thief. This may be a persistent sandbox, possibly a multiplayer RPG, or it may have a plot, but strictly within historical realities.
10) The Last Supper
You play the role of Jesus, son of God, in the company of the twelve disciples. The game should probably be in first person. (The Sermon of the Mount and such may be shown in cutscenes, or they may be challenges in quiz form.) The time period is your wanderings in Judea after the baptism and until the last night before the arrest. The background is the Judaic society at the time and its Roman controllers, somewhat historically accurate. This is a detective story, a wholldoit where you need to figure out who is best suited to betray you in due time so that you may prep him for the job and finally give him the impetus to "do it quicker" at the Last Supper. For Christ certainly needed someone to betray him. It's not always Judas: the identity of the potential traitor, along with his motives, will vary randomly between playthroughs. Incidents and encounters along the road, both recorded in the Bible and invented, will liven up the experience and better inform you about the personalities of the disciples, building on but going beyond what is known (Peter with his short temper, the lofty John an so on).
11) Cuadrophobia
Ships and the sea again. This time you are a typical sailor with an atypically strong survival instinct on one of the vessels in a colossal game of Battleship between Our Guy and the Other Player. Accordingly, there are two grids firing at each other: your side's and the enemy's, though you only get to travel across your own. The ship you begin on is chosen at random: it may be anything in size from a single-squarer to a five-squarer. Smaller ships are less likely to be hit, of course, but when a ship is finished, it sinks, and you with it. The purpose of the game is to survive until Our Guy's victory, which programmatically is likely but not guaranteed and happens about 70% of the time. To do this you must desert on a regular basis, setting out in a dinghy to a ship more favored in the current situation. However, the dinghy only travels three squares per turn, and you can only spend two turns in the open sea before dying. You also need time on board ships to access their radio broadcasts, which, besides playing some inspirational propaganda, update the picture of the grid as the battle rages. Without it you are limited to paddling to vessels that you can directly see. The role-playing element comes from dealing with ship commanders, who all take their duties and titles - captain of Cruiser! captain of Battleship! - very seriously, from picking up supplies in floating debris and from acquiring special abilities that let you, for example, paddle an extra square farther. Is war evil? Is it to be hated, or is our side to be cheered on? After all, if Our Guy loses, this will all have been in vain.
12) Standardom
In this game of life, dedicated to the International Organization for Standardization (ISO), you must pass through all of the Gates of Conformity to win your ultimate prize - death from old age, as opposed to suicide. The option to kill yourself is always available in the menu. Being the hero and chickenshit that you are, though, you are determined to submit to every humiliation just so you can press forward. The world of the game is a vertical platform that moves with you along the Y axis, which represents time from some random year forwards: you may begin at 100 B.C., 1824 A.D., 12749 j-Spec and so on. It is really all the same where on the timeline you are dropped off. As with other platformers, once the screen has moved, there is no going back. You can walk freely to the left and right, however, pick up bonuses, disarm threats and converse with characters. Going up, every so often the screen is intersected by a wall with a gate in it. Your character's silhouette must either match the cut of the gate or be smaller to pass through. You start out small as a baby, a little circle, but very soon handicaps such as Discovery of Talent, Unusual Upbringing, Independent Spirit or Love of Sex will begin to rush at you to complicate your silhouette with Г, & and other such protrusions. You will also grow in size until your late 20s. Luckily, opportunities will also present themselves to prune some of this exotica: Family, Steady Job, Political Engagement, Puppy, Human Interest and other bonuses can be found or obtained from conversations to simplify your puzzle to a manageable cut until such time as the years pile on and the worst is behind you. You will become smaller and smaller and able to rush through the checkpoints one after the other to the finish line.
13) Six Handshakes to Liberty
The country is suffering under a cruel dictatorship. Ar-Parason, the president-for-life, has wrung the last of resources from the nation and has now thrown it into a disastrous war. In his palace he is surrounded by guards armed to the teeth and without a shred of conscience to shoot the bastard. What can you, a humble microbiologist living in the suburbs, do about this? Nothing, it seems, until you discover a strain of bacteria that is absolutely deadly within weeks and immune to all known antibiotics except one, still not fully developed. The microbe is passed along by touch. Alas, you discover it when you become infected with it. You still have the resources to finish the research on the antibiotic and save yourself, but now you realize that you possess the perfect secret weapon to rid the country of the tyrant. Although you can't get so close to Ar-Parason in person, someone must enjoy that intimacy...
Every day you do your research at the computer, look through the press, then put on gloves and go out in search of people in contact with other people who will, you hope, ultimately carry the strain to its target. You have to follow news to figure out whose hands to shake and who to sleep with - secretaries, daughters of generals, corrupt officials - and many times the scheme will fall short of success. The chain of handshakes will terminate early somewhere, and these intermediaries will just die. But all those sacrifices are worth it, aren't they? You keep several intrigues going at once, determined to see one of them to the end. Meanwhile an epidemic is beginning in the country, Ar-Parason is starting to take precautions, and your own remaining time that could be spent on finishing the antibiotic is also running short. What is more important: life, revenge, justice, survival, honor? Your actions will be your decisions.

It was so terribly cold. Snow was falling, and it was almost dark, when out of the blue, my wife called me at work. "We're going to Niagara Falls for the weekend. I got us an awesome deal!"
We had both been working at our first "full-fledged" jobs for a year and had reached that moment after graduation when you suddenly realize you can't make that impact on the world your student enthusiasm once promised. At first, I just sighed. It was the dead of January, and I had already expended all my energy on a week of inconsequential stress. I just wanted to collapse on the couch for two days. Sarah felt a similar weary exhaustion. I could tell. Her tone was more hopeful than excited, but she had dreaded the routine we were sinking into and was trying her best to pull us free.
I looked to the ceiling and adjusted my telephone headset. At that time I was working at Stats Canada on the tele-query desk. I took a deep breath and, as convincingly as possible, said, "Sounds good." I don't think she bought it, but we went nonetheless.
This was Niagara Falls before the casinos when there was a very distinct off-season. When we got to the hotel, we were given the details of our "lovers' special". One dinner to be used either Friday or Saturday, two breakfasts, a roll of tokens for the arcade, 10% off some "4D" movie ride experience, and a 2-for-1 coupon to Max Tussaud's. I guessed it was Madame's nephew? We also got a bottle of sparkling wine in our room and chocolate treats on our pillows. I was impressed. It sounded good.
When we got into our room and saw the "bottle" of wine - basically an aeroplane-sized glass and half - and the chocolates - "fun wrapped" Oh Henry's left over from Halloween - we both started to laugh. The tone for two wonderful days had been set. We decided to cash in on our dinner coupon right away.
The restaurant off the lobby had hopes of being better. There were huge panoramic windows that promised a view of the gorge. Unfortunately, they had some winter moisture problems that day, and it felt like we were defrosting amid the dripping streaks and foggy patches. The decor was your standard booths and tables though the "romantic" lighting was unique. Dollar store battery-powered tea lights were lodged inside thick tumbler glasses and shed a muted pleasantness in a "what a great idea for a craft" sort of way. I had a feeling they were created by our waitress since she was the one who always seemed to be fussing with them. Only one other couple was in the dining room, so she attended to us immediately.
"Can I get you something to start?"
"Sure." "Thank you, that would be nice." We both responded simultaneously.
"And what would the lady like this evening?"
Sarah smiled at the flattery. "I think I'll have a glass of white wine." She glanced over at me to see my reaction. This was a subtle cue of the mood to follow. Diet Coke was usually the beverage of choice. She didn't normally drink alcohol. One glass numbed her nose and made her giggle far too easily. When she did drink, however, it meant she was comfortable with my company and open to anything to follow. I raised my eyebrows in a debonair way.
"And for the gentleman?"
"Do you have Foster's on tap?"
"Yes we do."
"I'll have a pint please."
Sarah smiled at the happy memories I invoked. At university, Foster's was my signature beer. It was at a time when Crocodile Dundee was a known name, and Australia was inexplicably cool. 15 cent buffalo wings and a pitcher of Foster's was the Tuesday night special at the London Arms pub. There the Classics Club would meet and, as a group, circle the wagons and drink ourselves into extroverts.
As soon as the waitress left, Sarah smiled at me. She reached out and held my hand across the table. With my gaze on hers, she slipped her foot from her shoe and slowly began sliding it up my pant leg.
"I got a pedicure this morning." She announced seductively.
I nodded and pretended I didn't notice her invitation. "What colour?" I asked.
"I'm not telling." She teased. "You'll just have to find out later." Her devious little smile was gorgeous.
"Mmmm. I can't wait."
When the waitress returned with our drinks, we immediately retreated to our personal spaces as if we had been discovered by the chaperone. Sarah opened the menu and began to salivate at the variety.
"Can we add an appetizer to the package dinner?" Her question seemed innocent enough.
"You're on the package?" Our friendly waitress disappeared, and we were no longer a lady or a gentleman. She ripped the menu out of Sarah's hand and took mine before I had even opened it. She then scurried to her podium and brought back a tattered, grease-stained, photocopied page that we had to share. We both burst out laughing.
The waitress was flustered that we were not as bothered as she was. "The drinks are NOT included!"
"What choices do we have?" I asked, expecting the usual chicken or fish. I had been on many packages before with my parents.
"Coffee or tea." The waitress snapped.
Sarah and I looked at each other in amused disbelief.
"I'll have coffee please." I didn't even flinch at the ridiculously limited package. I was eager to get my order in early.
"And I'll have the tea!" Sarah followed my lead. "Can I have some milk with that?"
"Yes." The waitress snarled.
"Fantastic!" I enthused.
"Yes, great! I'm glad we got the package, Honey." Sarah joked.
The waitress stormed off and returned sometime later with our lettuce-only salads drowned in Kraft's Italian dressing and our chewy chicken dinners, which she had thoughtfully allowed to cool. She tossed the plates on the table and left us to peacefully devour our deal. We didn't see her again until we requested the bill. For some reason, we found it amusing to leave a generous tip, which of course, defeated the purpose of the package, but we didn't care. It was fun.
The rest of the holiday was marred with similar off-season products and services. The wax museum was only half open, so we couldn't see the pop stars of the seventies. I didn't think it was a problem, but Sarah pouted playfully. She really wanted to see young Bowie. Meanwhile, the arcade was particularly stingy about spitting out coupons. So much so that Mike, the scraggly-haired repair guy, ended up escorting us from game to game and repairing the devices on demand. In no time, he was acting like an old drinking buddy. He joked and laughed, then, out of the blue, revealed that working at the Niagara Falls Fun Centre wasn't his career choice, that his dream was to be part of a travelling carnival. He desperately wanted to see more of the world, he explained and socialize with a greater variety of "wildlife." Mike winked at Sarah to punctuate his meaning, then began advising her on which games to play.
Sarah was partial to Skee ball and clearly had career potential in the sport, but Mike quickly pointed out that the token-to-coupon payout was not the best. In a furtive whisper, he revealed that The Storm Stopper was your best bet, provided the arcade had left it on its original factory settings. He assured us the ones here were "cool." The game had lights that ran around the outside in opposite directions and you had to hit the button at just the right spot to win. It looked impossible, but Mike was right; if you calculated tokens in versus coupons won, it was the best deal. It only took a little practice to win a minor jackpot every 5 or 6 times.
We would cheer each win as if Toronto had won the Stanley Cup. I would give a quick fist pump and a full lung "Yes!" while Sarah would jump up and down screaming, "WhoooHooo!" Of course, in the end, when we cashed in, "Mike's secret" only bumped us up from a key-chain flashlight to a "deluxe" nail beauty set. Mind you, it did come complete with clippers, scissors, a file AND a cuticle scraper. Not only that, it was all neatly packaged in a paisley-patterned pink and green plastic vinyl case. Mike was so pleased to give us our prize and to be honest, we were thrilled to win it if only to see his broad chicletted smile. It was more of a trophy than a grooming set.
That night, I made reservations for us at a fancy Chinese food restaurant - the Bamboo Garden. When we arrived, we had half-expected renovations of some sort. Instead, the place was immaculate. Gentle pools teeming with goldfish highlighted the epic black and red Ming dynasty decor. Real candles flickered on crisp white tablecloths. Again, the restaurant was virtually ours. The reservations on my part were entirely unnecessary. In fact, as soon as we entered, they knew us by name and guided us directly to our table. A live lounge piano caressed the air, its notes danced vaguely around familiar harmonies until finally, as if prompted by our presence, a song emerged immediately accompanied by the velvet voice of oriental karaoke. It was our song remastered

Question for people who also sell/buy on DCS. When is the ideal time to post? When are you looking to buy on a regular basis? Also have you noticed the formatting failing recently? I used to be able to copy and paste my previous posts and just remove the ones I've sold. Now it bunches everything up and the bulletpoints no longer function. I had to bring an older version into a word proccessor. Just werid and frustrating.
Trying to clear out my codes! If someone wants to buy every single code for a deep discount HMU I’ll sell orders of $100 or more for 40% OFF, $200 for 50% OFF, $300 for 60% OFF, $400 for 70% OFF and $500 for 75% OFF!!
Just went through and dropped some prices! Not interested in discussing discounts on single codes.
Codes Never Split
Paypal f+f
New Pickups
• 3:10 To Yuma - $6 4K Vudu (1 Left)
• 65 - $7 HD MA (1 Left)
• 80 For Brady - $7 4K iTunes (1 Left)
• Alien 6-Film Collection - $12 HD MA (2 Left)
• American Frontier Trilogy (Wind River, Hell or High Water, Sicario) - $9 HD Vudu (1 Left)
• Amsterdam - $5 HD MA (1 Left)
• Ant-Man: Quantumania - $8 4K MA (1 Left)
• Ant-Man: Quantumania - $6 HD MA (1 Left)
• Babylon - $7 4K iTunes (2 Left)
• Banshees of Inisherin - $6 HD MA (1 Left)
• The Batman - $6 4K MA (2 Left)
• Beast - $6 HD MA (2 Left)
• Belly - $7 4K iTunes/Vudu (1 Left)
• Beverly Hills Cop II - $8 4K Vudu (1 Left)
• Bodies, Bodies, Bodies (A24) - $7 HD Vudu (1 Left)
• Bullet Train - $7 4K MA (1 Left)
• Call Jane - $5 HD Vudu (1 Left)
• Clerk III - $6 4K iTunes (1 Left)
• Cocaine Bear - $8 HD MA (1 Left)
• Creed III - $12 4K Vudu (1 Left)
• Creed Trilogy - $18 HD Vudu (1 Left)
• Devotion (2022) - $8 4K iTunes (1 Left)
• Don't Worry Darling - $5 HD MA (1 Left)
• Dreamgirls - $5 HD Vudu, iTunes (1 Left)
• Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Theives - $10 4K iTunes/Vudu (2 Left)
• Empire of Light - $6 HD MA (1 Left)
• Escape From LA - $8 4K Vudu, iTunes (1 Left)
• E.T. - $6 4K MA (1 Left)
• Everything Everywhere All At Once - $6 HD Vudu (2 Left)
• The Expendables 1-3 - $5 HD Vudu/iTunes (1 Left)
• The Fablemans - $5 HD MA (2 Left)
• Fantastic Beasts 1-3 - $6 HD MA (1 Left)
• Flashdance - $6 4K Vudu, iTunes (2 Left)
• For the Love of Money (2021) - $5 HD Vudu/GP (1 Left)
• Frozen (Disney) - $6 4K MA (1 Left)
• Frozen II (Disney) - $6 4K MA (1 Left)
• Green Mile - $6 4K MA (1 Left)
• Heat 4K - $6 4K MA (1 Left)
• Highlander - $7 4K iTunes/Vudu (2 Left)
• Hot Seat (2022) - $6 HD Vudu/iTunes (1 Left)
• Interstellar - $6 4K itunes/Vudu (1 Left)
• Jaws - $5 4K MA (2 Left)
• Jurassic World: Ultimate Collection (6 Movies) - $18 HD MA (1 Left)
• Knock at the Cabin - $6 HD MA (1 Left)
• Licorice Pizza - $5 4K iTunes (1 Left)
• Lightyear - $5 4K MA (2 Left)
• Lilo & Stich 2-Film Collection - $7 HD MA (1 Left)
• The Lost City - $6 4K MA (2 Left)
• Lyle, Lyle, Crocodile - $5 HD MA (1 Left)
• Mack & Rita - $7 4K iTunes (1 Left)
• Magic Mike 3 - $7 HD MA (1 Left)
• Marlowe - $6 HD MA (1 Left)
• M3gan - $7 HD MA (1 Left)
• Men (A24) (2022) - $6 HD Vudu (2 Left)
• Menu - $6 HD MA (1 Left)
• Midsommar - $5 HD Vudu (1 Left)
• Missing (2023) - $9 HD MA (1 Left)
• Moonfall - $6 4K iTunes/Vudu (2 Left)
• Nightmare Alley - $5 HD MA (1 Left)
• Nope - $6 4K MA (2 Left)
• The Northman - $6 HD MA (1 Left)
• The Old Way (2023 Nick Cage) - $6 4K iTunes (1 Left)
• Pearl (A24) - $5 HD Vudu (2 Left)
• Plane - $8 4K Vudu, iTunes (1 Left)
• Pulp Fiction - $7 4K iTunes/Vudu (2 Left)
• A Quiet Place 1 & 2 - $8 4K iTunes (1 Left)
• Rambo 5-Film Collection - $12 HD iTunes/Vudu (1 Left)
• Rambo: First Blood - $12 HD iTunes/Vudu (1 Left)
• Rambo: Last Blood - $12 HD iTunes/Vudu (1 Left)
• The Requin - $6 HD Vudu (1 Left)
• The Rescuers 1 & 2 - $8 HD MA (1 Left)
• Reservoir Dogs - $6 4K iTunes/Vudu (2 Left)
• Rocketman - $6 4K iTunes (1 Left)
• Rocky: The Knockout Collection 1-4 - $18 4K Vudu (2 Left)
• Seriously Red - $6 HD Vudu (1 Left)
• Shazam: Fury of the Gods - $9 4K MA
• She Said - $6 HD MA (1 Left)
• Smile - $7 4K iTunes (1 Left)
• Sonic 2 - $5 4K iTunes/vudu (1 Left)
• Strange World - $5 HD MA (1 Left)
• Spinning Gold - $7 HD MA (1 Left)
• Supercell - $7 HD VUDU (1 Left)
• SuperPets - $5 HD MA (1 Left)
• Taken 1-3 - $8 HD MA (1 Left)
• Tar - $9 4K MA (1 Left)
• Thor Love and Thunder - $6 4K MA (1 Left)
• Till - $6 4K iTunes (1 Left)
• Top Gun Maverick - $7 iTunes/Vudu (2 Left)
• Training Day - $7 MA (2 Left)
• Turning Red - $7 4K MA (1 Left)
• The Untouchables - $6 4K iTunes/Vudu (1 Left)
• Walking Dead Final Season (Eleventh) - $8 HD Vudu (1 Left)
• Warm Bodies - $5 4K iTunes (1 Left)
• West Side Story (2021) - $5 HD MA (1 Left)
• Where the Crawdads Sing - $5 HD MA (1 Left)
• Whitney Houston: I Wanna Dance With Somebody - $5 HD MA (1 Left)
• The Wolf of Wall Street - $6 4K Vudu/iTunes (3 Left)
• The Woman King - $7 4K MA (1 Left)
• Young Sherlock Holmes - $5 HD iTunes/Vudu (1 Left)
Collections/TV
• Columbia Classics Vol. 3 - $36 4K MA (1 Left) $6 per title (Not for sale individually)

1. It Happened One Night
2. From Here to Eternity
3. To Sir, With Love
4. The Last Picture Show (Director's Cut)
5. Annie
6. As Good As it Gets

• Fifty Shades Trilogy - $6 HD (1 Left) (1st and 2nd are Unrated and 2nd should redeem in iTunes and port in 4K)
• Game of Throne Season 4 - HD iTunes/vudu $3
• GOT: House of Dragon S1 - $18 4K Vudu (2 Left)
• Ghosts: Season One - $7 HD Vudu
• Jordan Peele 3-Movie Collection (Nope, Us, Get Out) - $12 HD MA (1 Left)
• Now You See Me 1&2 - $8 HD Vudu (1 Left)
Disney/Marvel/Star Wars (Unsplit, No DMR)
• Avengers: Endgame - $6 4K MA (1 Left)
• Avengers: Endgame - $5 HD MA (1 Left)
• Beauty and the Beast (Live Action) - $5 HD MA (1 Left)
• The BFG - $5 HD MA (1 Left)
• Black Panther - $5 HD MA (2 Left)
• Call of the Wild - $5 HD MA (1 Left)
• Captain Marvel - $5 HD MA (1 Left)
• Cruella - $8 4K MA (1 Left)
• Disney Nature: Bears - $5 HD MA
• Finding Dory - $5 HD MA (2 Left)
• The Finest Hours - $5 HD MA (1 Left)
• Frozen - $5 HD MA (2 Left)
• Inside Out - $5 HD MA (1 Left)
• Iron Man 3 - $5 HD MA (1 Left)
• The Jungle Book (Live Action) - $5 HD MA (1 Left)
• Maleficent - $5 HD MA (1 Left)
• Moana - $5 HD MA (1 Left)
• Oz The Great And Powerful - $5 HD MA (2 Left)
• Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales - $5 HD MA (1 Left)
• Saving Mr. Banks - $5 HD MA (1 Left)
• Sleeping Beauty - $5 HD MA (1 Left)
• Star Wars: Force Awakens - $5 HD MA (2 Left)
• Star Wars: Rogue One - $4 HD MA (3 Left)
• Star Wars: The Last Jedi - $5 HD MA (1 Left)
• Thor: Dark World - $5 HD MA (1 Left)
• Wreck it Ralph 2 - $5 HD MA (2 Left)
• Zootopia - $5 HD MA (1 Left)
4K Movies
• Almost Famous - $7 4K iTunes/Vudu (1 Left)
• Arrival - $6 4K iTunes (1 Left)
• Bad Boys for Life - $5 4K MA (1 Left)
• Bourne Legacy - $5 4K MA (1 Left)
• Dawn of the Planet of the Apes - $5 4K MA (1 Left)
• Deadpool - $5 4K MA (2 Left)
• Despicable Me 2 - $4 4K iTunes (3 Left)
• Dirty Dancing - $6 4K iTunes (1 Left)
• Escape Plan 2 - $4 4K iTunes (1 Left)
• Fast & Furious 6 (Extended) - $4 4K MA (1 Left)
• Fast & Furious 7 (Extended) - $4 4K MA (1 Left)
• Fate of the Furious + Extended - $3 4K MA (Extended Director's Cut is HD) (FREE WITH ANY PURCHASE OVER $5)
• Fifty Shades of Grey - $5 4K MA (1 Left)
• Force of Nature (2020) - $4 4K iTunes (1 Left)
• Hidden Figures - $5 4K MA (iTunes Redeem) (1 Left)
• How to Train Your Dragon 2 - $6 4K MA (1 Left)
• The Hunger Games - $4 4K iTunes (1 Left)
• The Hunger Games: Catching Fire - $4 4K iTunes (2 Left)
• The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2 - $4 4K iTunes (1 Left)
• Jack Reacher - $5 4K iTunes (1 Left)
• Jason Bourne - $5 4K iTunes (1 Left)
• Justice League - $5 4K MA (1 Left)
• Kingsman: The Golden Circle - $5 4K MA (1 Left)
• Life of Pi - $5 4K MA (iTunes Redeem) (1 Left)
• The Martian - $6 4K MA (1 Left)
• Mile 22 (2018) - $5 4K iTunes (1 Left)
• Mission: Impossible: Fallout - $5 4K iTunes (1 Left)
• Pitch Perfect - $6 4K MA (1 Left)
• Red 2 - $5 4K iTunes (1 Left)
• The Revenant - $6 4K MA (1 Left)
• Secret Garden (2020) - $6 4K iTunes (1 Left)
• Secret Life of Pets - $5 4K MA (1 Left)
• Star Trek: Into Darkness - $4 4K iTunes (3 Left)
• Transformers: Age of Extinction - $5 4K iTunes (HD VUDU available) (2 Left)
• Transformers: The Last Knight - $5 4K iTunes (HD VUDU available) (1 Left)
• Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2 - $4 4K iTunes (2 Left)
• xxx Xander Cage - $5 4K iTunes (1 Left)
HD Movies
• 12 Years A Slave - $4 HD MA (1 Left)
• 2 Guns - $4 HD MA (1 Left)
• 42 - $4 HD MA (1 Left)
• About Time - $4 HD MA (2 Left)
• Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter - $4 HD MA (1 Left)
• The Amazing Spider-man - $5 HD MA (1 Left)
• American Hustle - $4 HD MA (1 Left)
• Anchorman 2 - $4 HD iTunes/Vudu (1 Left)
• Book of Life - $4 HD MA (2 Left)
• Boyhood (Linklater) - $5 HD iTunes/Vudu (1 Left)
• Breaking In (Unrated) - $4 HD MA (1 Left)
• Bring It On: Worldwide #Cheersmack - $3 HD MA (1 Left)
• A Christmas Story 2 - $4 HD MA (1 Left)
• Dolphin Tale - $4 HD MA (1 Left)
• Escape From Planet Earth - $4 HD Vudu (1 Left)
• Extremely Loud Incredibly Close - $4 HD MA (1 Left)
• Ferdinand - $4 HD MA (1 Left)
• Flight - $4 HD MA (1 Left)
• Focus - $4 HD MA (1 Left)
• A Good Day to Die Hard (Extended Edition) - $4 HD MA (2 Left)
• Grease 2 - $4 HD iTunes/Vudu (1 Left)
• The Greatest Showman - $4 HD MA (3 Left)
• The Hate U Give - $4 HD MA (1 Left)
• Home - $4 HD MA (1 Left)
• The Host (2013) - $3 iTunes Redeem Port to MA (1 Left) Not Bong Joon-ho
• Hugo - $5 HD MA (1 Left)
• If Beale Street Could Talk - $6 HD MA (1 Left)
• Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle - $4 HD MA (1 Left)
• Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom - $4 HD MA (1 Left)
• Kung Fu Panda - $5 HD MA (1 Left)
• Les Miserables - $4 HD MA (1 Left)
• Marvel's Iron Man & Hulk: Heroes United - $4 HD MA (1 Left)
• Midway - $4 HD Vudu (1 Left)
• Noah - $4 HD Vudu/iTunes
• Now You See Me - $4 HD Vudu/iTunes (1 Left)
• Paddington - $5 HD Vudu (1 Left)
• Parental Guidance - $4 HD MA (1 Left)
• The Possession - $4 HD Vudu (1 Left)
• Prometheus - $4 HD MA (1 Left)
• Reclaim - $4 HD Vudu (1 Left)
• Rise of the Guardians - $4 HD MA (1 Left)
• Robocop - $4 HD Vudu/GP (1 Left)
• Safe House - $4 HD MA (1 Left)
• Second Act - $3 iTunes (2 Left)
• The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel - $3 HD MA (1 Left)
• The Secret Life of Pets - $3 HD MA (1 Left)
• The Shack - $4 HD iTunes/Vudu (1 Left)
• Silver Linings Playbook - $4 HD Vudu
• Sinister - $4 HD iTunes, Vudu, GP (1 Left)
• Skyfall - $4 HD Vudu/GP (2 Left)
• Sleepless - $3 HD MA (1 Left)
• Son of God - $3 HD MA (1 Left)
• TinTin (Speilberg) - $5 HD MA (1 Left)
• Trolls - $4 HD MA (1 Left)
• Turbo - $4 HD MA (1 Left)
• Unbroken - $4 HD MA (1 Left)
• Underworld: Awakening - $3 HD MA (1 Left)
• Vivo - $5 HD MA (1 Left)
• When The Game Stands Tall - $4 HD MA (1 Left)
• White House Down - $4 HD MA (1 Left)
• Zero Dark Thirty - $4 HD MA (1 Left)
• Zeros and Ones (2022) - $5 HD Vudu (1 Left)

"I hear the term 'woke woke woke,'... Half the people can't define it, they don't know what it is." - Disgraced former president Trump taking a shot at Meatball Ron’s favorite boogeyman

Clown To The Wire

We’re all sick of the fucking debt limit. But we’re also less than four days away from a global economic meltdown courtesy of the GOP, so we gotta talk about it. I don’t make the rules.

• On Wednesday night, a bipartisan coalition in the House of Representatives passed the ransom note bill to raise the debt ceiling 314-117. Members on both ends of the political spectrum comprised much of the bill’s opposition. The bill faces possible changes, stiffer competition, and more procedural chokepoints in the Senate, all while lawmakers race against the clock to get it passed before June 5, the date the Treasury has projected the U.S. will run out of borrowing authority. Without that: sorry nana, sorry bond holders in China, not enough money to pay what we owe.
  
• Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer said on Thursday that the upper chamber will remain in session until President Biden gets the bill for signature. He urged members of his caucus not to offer amendments, which, if passed, would send the bill back to the House. That plan is already out the window. In some rare productive infighting, Sen. Tim Kaine (D-VA) introduced an amendment to the debt-limit bill that would rescind its approval of the controversial Mountain Valley pipeline backed by Fossil-Fuel King Sen. Joe Manchin (W-VA).
  
• The 300-mile pipeline would stretch between northwest West Virginia and southern Virginia, and the delegation of Virginia Democrats in Congress has vocally opposed it from the beginning. Kaine rightly pointed out that the pipeline has nothing to do with the debt limit and had already announced that he would file this amendment earlier in the week. Sens. Bernie Sanders (I-VT) and Ed Markey (D-MA), our very good boys, both cited the provisions on the pipeline and fossil-fuel development in their statements announcing that they would vote against the bill.
  

It looks like Senate Republicans are gearing up to get amendment-happy as well.

• Under the Biden-McCarthy agreement, non-defense spending will remain mostly flat, while the military will, you guessed it, get a big fat increase. But that simply isn’t enough for the war hawks in the GOP who are very scared that China’s military will overpower America’s. Do they care that 11 million children in the United States live in poverty that could be alleviated by what would amount to a rounding error in the defense budget? They do not! Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) went on Fox News Wednesday night to claim the deal (which again, will increase an already-staggering $886 billion defense budget by 3.3 percent) is “a disaster for the United States military.”
  
• A number of senators want to force votes on amendments to the bill that will retard the process. Sen. Mike Lee (R-UT) says he will agree to an expedited agreement but only if his amendment gets a vote, and he estimated that there would be between 10 and 12 amendments total. That’s…not great, given how ponderous our blubbering senators can be! Nevertheless, most of them seem confident that the bill will pass by Thursday night. Hard-right Senators like Lee, Graham, and Rand Paul (R-KY) have all but promised to gum up the works unless the bill adopts more aggressive spending cuts to all non-defense programs.
  

It’s gonna be a long night. Next week should be fun, too!

Look No Further Than Crooked Media

The Trans community has been under attack by right-wing politicians across the country. But don’t let their noisy stunts fool you. They’re a loud, wrong minority, like John Mayer fans, or people who blame flight attendants for the delay. In reality, there’s never been more support for gay, trans and queer youth than right now, and it’s up to us to make that true, today and every day.
That’s why Vote Save America has launched their Fuck Bans: Leave Queer Kids Alone fund. This Pride month, Crooked is working to help fundraise $50,000 to support groups on the ground in states that are banning care and targeting trans families including organizations like the Transgender Law Center, the Trans Justice Funding Project, and the Trans Youth Equality Foundation. If you’re interested in chipping in, head to https://votesaveamerica.com/fuckbans to donate!
Pissing off some of the GOP’s biggest creeps is just an added bonus.

Under The Radar

In a frightening harbinger of the climate crisis to come, state lawmakers in Arizona have decided to halt housing construction that has already been approved in the Phoenix area, as well prohibit developers from building some new subdivisions, due to the dwindling water supply. Phoenix and its suburbs reside in Maricopa County, which receives more than half of its water supply from groundwater, while the rest comes from rivers, aqueducts, and recycled wastewater. But unlike some of the latter sources, groundwater is a finite resource, and can take thousands of years or longer to replenish. This halt in housing development will increase real-estate prices, and is likely to continue across the American southwest if climate change continues to go unaddressed and the 23-year drought in the region persists. But yeah, give another trillion dollars in federal funding to the military!

What Else?

The Federal Trade Commission disclosed in a Wednesday court filing that a former employee of Amazon’s Ring doorbell-camera unit spied on female customers for months in 2017 using cameras placed in bedrooms and bathrooms. The company will pay a $5.8 million settlement for privacy violations.
The Supreme Court dealt another blow to organized labor on Thursday in a ruling that will make it easier for employers to sue over strikes that cause property destruction. The (yikes) 8-1 decision sided with a Washington state concrete business, which sued the union representing its truck drivers when they were on strike.
President Biden tripped over a sandbag and fell onstage after delivering an address at the Air Force Academy graduation ceremony (but he got right back up!). Surprisingly agile for an octogenarian.
Speaking of the Air Force, a new report shows that it tested a drone enabled by artificial intelligence to destroy specific targets, but when a human operator tried to override the drone’s mission, the A.I. ordered the drone to attack the human operator so the mission could be completed. Hasta la vista, baby?
House Speaker Kevin McCarthy is reportedly planning to give January 6 security footage to far-right conspiracy theorist and avowed election denier Julie Kelly. Man, this guy is a non-stop great-decision machine.
Sen. Tommy Tuberville’s (R-AL) national security adviser has resigned after the Washington Post reported that he was behind the senator's, ahem, controversial strategy of stalling military nominations in an attempt to stop a new DOD policy that helps ensure abortion access for service members.
The stock market ticked up on Thursday as the bill to avert a GOP-imposed global financial crisis advanced through Congress.

Be Smarter

Russian President Vladimir Putin repeatedly threatened to retaliate against the United States if it crossed an ambiguous “red line” of excessive interference in defense of Ukraine. Nevertheless, the White House persisted. Last month, President Biden announced that the United States would help Ukraine obtain F-16 fighter jets, on top of the missiles, rocket launchers, advanced missile defense systems, drones, helicopters, and tanks it has already supplied or helped Kyiv obtain. So why are our national security officials ignoring Putin’s threats? Because of a general consensus since the war began that Putin’s threats have been all hot air. As Maxim Samorukov, a Russia expert at the Carnegie Endowment for International Peace, observed, the Kremlin “has devalued its red lines so many times by saying certain things would be unacceptable and then doing nothing when they happen.” Russia’s demonstrated reluctance to retaliate has been the driving force behind Secretary of State Antony Blinken’s decision to encourage the White House and Western allies to do more. But Western officials know that Putin’s hesitancy is not fixed, and could easily change if the war persists. Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Mark Milley estimated in a recent interview with Foreign Affairs that Russia has suffered as many as 250,000 casualties since it invaded Ukraine.

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Light At The End Of The Email

Billionaire troll and Twitter CEO Elon Musk is accused of insider trading in a class-action lawsuit, which alleges he intentionally manipulated the price of Dogecoin when he replaced Twitter’s bird logo with the Dogecoin logo, leading to a 30 percent jump in the coin’s price. In a hilarious coincidence, he did that riiigghttt before he sold $124 million worth of the currency.
Nine Democratic governors have sent a letter to leading textbook companies expressing opposition to GOP-demanded changes to textbooks and to warn them that they will be watching for the “inappropriate censor[ship]” of “comprehensive and accurate educational information.”
Happy first day of Pride Month to all of our LGBTQ+ pals out there!

Enjoy

jamie loftus 🌭 on Twitter: "the fancier the hotel… the less free waffle in the morning…"

Just got back from a solo trip through South Africa, and despite all the cautions and reservations I heard on- and off-line, I loved every bit of it! Sharing some quick notes here for reference, and happy to answer any queries from people thinking of travelling there.
Profile
34 yo Indian man. Not the primest of targets for crime, admittedly, but I didn't really look like a poor write-off as well.
Dates
21 May 2023 - 31 May 2023
Itinerary
2N in Johannesburg with visits to Apartheid Museum, Soweto, and Rosebank Mall. Stayed at Clico Boutique Hotel in Rosebank. Found the city to be pleasant and well worth the stopover, also perfectly safe if navigated using Uber or through join-in tours.
3N in Greater Kruger, specifically at Nyati Safari Lodge in the Balule Reserve, with 2x game drives daily (morning and evening). Saw 3 of the big 5 (missed out on Rhinos and Leopards but have seen them earlier in India, so no heartache) as well as animals unique to Africa - hippos (right outside my room!), zebra, giraffes, and more antelopes than I can remember the names of. Also did a bushwalk, and loved all the bush sundowners and breakfasts. It was absolutely safe inside the lodge, the bigger threats mere mischeivous monkeys raiding the mini-bar. This was my first African Safari experience, and I loved every bit of it - can definitely see myself become a safari hoe in the years to come.
2N in Franschhoek, with a day-long self-cycle through the region (the road from Berg River Dam to Huguenot Memorial is beautiful), and more wine tastings (highly recommend Eikehof and Glenwood) than I'd had in the entirety of my life till the day. The place was my favourite in SA - beautiful, delicious, creative, and a bubble of safety. Stayed at the lovely Chanteclair guesthouse (the host Allan is a gem).
3N in Cape Town, with visits to Table Mountain, the waterfront, a peninsula tour (Camp's Bay, Hout Bay, Chapman's Peak, Cape of Good Hope, Boulders Penguin Colony, and Muizenberg), Kirstenbosch, Company's Garden, Zeitz MCAA (fantastic if you're into art) and Bo Kaap (with the lovely and free Cape Town Walking Tours). The city is easily one of the most, if not the most, beautiful in the world - the setting is spectacular, even in the cold, windy, rainy weather I was there in. It was also markedly safer than Joburg, and there were several parts of town where walking around didn't make me feel as on-edge. Stayed at Taj Cape Town (stellar downtown hotel which allows easier access to the actual city than the tourist enclave hotels of the lively but sterile Waterfront area).
Safety
Almost everyone I spoke to before visiting South Africa painted it as a free-for-all crime zone. I'd be mugged, raped, killed, or whatnot here, they said. Don't go alone. Don't go at all. All of it, ofcourse, turned out to be overblown, panic-stricken hogwash. I navigated the country without incident. BUT I didn't just stroll into town with an open wallet either - I made sure to stay at good hotels (within my budget), keep my valuables hidden away like in a secure backpack or an inside pocket, check locally for safety advice, and use Ubers or tours wherever recommended. These weren't special safety procedures designed for South Africa, mind you, they were just common precautions I'd use in any country I was visiting. It helped my travel remain incident free, and the only time I was approached by someone mildly unsavoury was when a drunk man stumbled past saying 'Good day brother' in Bo Kaap. The biggest threat to my safety in SA turned out to be marauding monkeys at my lodge near Kruger who raided the neighbouring room's minibar and made away with milk and coffee sachets. Also, contrary to some advice, things left lying around in my hotel room as well as check-in baggage at the airports remained absolutely safe and untampered.
Power (Cuts)
Load shedding is rife, and Joburg was seeing 10-12 hours of load shedding while I was there. However, all my hotels had power backup, and all the spots I visited had power backup (wherever needed), so I effectively only ever noticed loadshedding during the switch-overs between supply and gensets in my smaller Joburg and Franschhoek hotels. I even disabled the push notifications for the power supply app (ESP) because it was of no real use to me any more. Moral of the story - make sure your hotel has power backup, and carry a power bank in the unlikely event you find yourself at a cafe without electricity. Also, check up on the power points - I didn't do my research properly and had to buy two overpriced plugs in Joburg.
Weather
Joburg had crisp weather with lots of sun, but cool temperatures. Kruger had warm days and cool nights - layers were essential! Franschhoek was kinda like Joburg weather, while Cape Town was windy and rainy. The only place I could contemplate swimming was in Kruger and in the heated pool of my Cape Town hotel.
Food
EXCELLENT everywhere, even in remote Kruger. Franschhoek, however, was a highlight - if there's one place you'd want to splurge for good food, it's here. Also helps that the wine is cheap and plentiful and sublime. For vegetarians and vegans, most restaurants had symbols identifying suitable menu items, and everyone speaks English so its easy to clarify. Would recommend making online reservations at the more popular fine dining spots.
Costs
On the whole, South Africa is very affordable for someone used to American or European or Japanese or Singaporean prices, especially with the unabated fall of the ZAR. Coming from India, however, it was a bit of a mixed bag - dining out was very cheap, and hotels were great value, but domestic flights and longer taxi transfers (like Cape Town - Franschhoek or the day tours) felt expensive. Uber rides and high street shopping were just a tad pricier than I'm used to in India while the coffee and alcohol prices were an absolute delight. Entrance tickets to most sights, however, are fairly steep and much closer to the European norm than the African or Asian. That said, major sights are professionally managed, clean, safe, and have power backup.
Tipping is expected, I'd round things upward of 10% of the bill amount, except at a fine dining experience in Franschhoek where a service charge was explicitly included and informed about. Tips can be added to the card machine and need not necessarily be paid in cash.
Paying by card is practically universal in tourist-friendly spots (including entry tickets and even for smaller payments), and I didn't need to exchange any extra cash or use an ATM. Visa and Mastercard work everywhere ofcourse, and Amex has appreciable reach as well. Diner's Club and others, however, won't help.
It's good to exchange a small amount like 100 USD to help with petty payments like parking tickets or small tips or quick bites from convenience stores.
Communication
I purchased a Vodacom sim on arrival at Johannesburg, and it worked well everywhere, even giving 5G in most of Joburg, Cape Town, and Franschhoek centre. Data and talktime prices were a tad expensive (I'm spoilt because it's dirt cheap in India), but it was easy to top things up online or at stores on-the-go.
Free WiFi was widely available at airports, tourist sights, restaurants, malls etc, and worked quite decentl
Getting around
Uber works well in Joburg and Cape Town, with many local recommending Uber X. Bolt, however, was universally NOT recommended because it wasn't very reliable. I didn't try public transport, but heard that the Gautrain in Joburg and the Myciti BRT in Cape Town were safe and good quality.
I also flew from Johannesburg to Hoedspruit and Hoedspruit to Cape Town with Airlink, which was a great little regional airline with good service, punctual arrivals/departures, and a very tourist-friendly schedule and network. The tickets were quite overpriced though, and Amex refused to work on their own website, but I did get to check-in on to business class seats on economy tickets so I guess it was good overall.
I didn't self-drive. However, I met several travellers who did it (including a German lady who was campervanning solo across the entirety of southern Africa), and they reported it being easy and safe. The only precautions were to make sure you were hiring from a reputable company, not driving too much at night (out of fear of being stranded more than anything else), and purchasing the insurance plan with the agent. I did use plenty of roads, and generally observed that most highways were in decent shape and allowed for 100+ kmph speeds. Petrol stations were plentiful, and many came attached with convenience stores and mini-malls, usually with power backup. For parking, you'd usually have a local tout popping up helping you manouevre the car and watch over it for a small 5-10 ZAR tip (don't skimp on this, as petty thieves have been known to break into unattended cars to pilfer whatever they can, though I never ever saw this in action - practically every street in every town had a parking attendant on hand).
I did cycle around Franschhoek by myself and it was fantastic, much better than the kitschy Wine Tram experience. It was also very safe, and I even biked through town for dinner and some moonlight photos. The only bugbears were car traffic on the main roads, and a caution by the bike rental shop against leaving the night lamp on the bike unattended (had to unlatch it and keep it on me instead - but still, safer than biking in Amsterdam lol).
Getting there
Joburg is the biggest international airport with the better flight deals and has direct flights to all inhabited continents. It's a fairly modern and easy-to-use terminal, and I didn't observe any of the usual scams. Cape Town is the better looking airport, but has fewer connections, although it's still easy to get here with a simple transit at a major hub like London or Dubai. Durban also has a middle-sized airport with a handful of long haul links.
Most other airports are small - Hoedspruit was basically a collection of open-to-air pavillions - and have only domestic flights to the likes of JNB or CPT. Nelspruit, in southern Kruger has a few Airlink connections with Victoria Falls and the Mozambique coast, aimed at holidayers.
As an Indian, I was eligible for an evisa but the system never worked, taking my documents but never letting me pay the application fee. I instead applied manually at Delhi's VFS centre, and got my visa in 2 days (the VFS staff also told me that the evisa portal was hopeless and I shouldn't even have bothered). The evisa system finally budged while I was en-route to JNB, telling me that my application was rejected because I never submitted a bank statement (which I did) and completely ignored the fact that I never paid for my application (thanks to the inactive payment link). The rejection clearly didn't get slotted in anywhere because Immigrations was absolutely fine with my stamped-visa and didn't bother asking me anything other than why I was visiting and when I'd leave.
I flew in on Etihad via Abu Dhabi (decent airline but the airport needs a lot of work to compete with its neighbours) and back on Emirates via Dubai (excellent airline with very generous meals and a great IFE, as well as a huge and modern megahub airport experience albeit with overpriced food and shopping). Flight timings were fairly convenient both ways, with day-time arrivals and check-ins.
People
Some of the friendliest I've ever met! Everybody is happy to have a zany chat, and conversations can quickly become pal-ly and banter-ful if you're open enough. On the whole South Africans felt fairly extroverted and loosened up - very informal and sleeves-rolled-up. You'll have to excuse yourself out of a conversation, else you'll be left talking to them the whole day and not have any time left to sightsee.
Race
Speaking as an outsider who only observed things for 10 odd days, I felt that there's still a decent amount of racial segregation at play in SA.
While many lower-paying jobs are almost exclusively held by blacks and the colours thanks to the country's history of institutionalised racism, Blacks and Coloured peoples can now also be commonly seen in upscale areas as guests and visitors. However, the majority of patrons in these locations appeared to be white and Afrikaans speaking. I also only ever saw one mixed group - a white lady entertaining a black man and his daughter at a Cape Town waterfront restaurant where I was having dinner.
I did share a few drinks with Joburg-based white couples at my safari lodge, and on the whole, they didn't feel inherently racist. They in fact remembered the Mandela and Mbeki days with pride, and felt that most of the crime in South Africa was thanks to the corruption in the African National Congress (they were all praises for the opposition who holds sway in the Cape) and immigrants from neighbouring countries - they rather trusted Black South Africans for everyday affairs. At my Cape Town hotel, meanwhile, I met a few black businessmen and politicians at the pool and gym, and they told me similar things - that the ANC was corrupt, immigrants are to blame for crime etc, and didn't really have any strong opinions about whites. These experiences contrasted greatly with my conversation with a white Afrikaner pensioner in my Zanzibar hotel ten years ago, who was spewing hate against black crime after two whiskeys.
Since I'm Indian, I was often mistaken for a local - everybody (regardless of their race) would be taken aback when they heard my accent and learnt I was actually not South African (which has a large South Asian origin community) or even African (many South Asian origin peoples in eastern Africa and Mauritius especially). This spoke volumes to me - in the UK, where I studied and which now has an Indian-origin PM and a hugely visible South Asian diaspora, people would still ask me 'what country are you from?' on appearance alone. It really did emphasize how SA was more of a rainbow nation than just a slogan.
What did I like?
Practically everything, even Joburg. The safari experience was better than I expected, Cape Town was breathtaking, and Franschhoek became my favourite little town in the world. Also loved the food and the wine, and loved meeting and chatting with the locals. Of all the countries I've visited, SA is the one I'm surest about wanting to return to - and I'm not trying to be diplomatic - I honestly felt like I need more time here.
What didn't I like?
I disliked how such a great country with excellent basic infrastructure is being mismanaged. EVERYONE I spoke to was complaining about how corruption killed the country's power supply system and railways and is now threatening other aspects of life. None of these directly or visibly impacted my travels, but I would've liked being able to take a train instead of flights or not spend a premium to stay at places that had generators.
Anything I'd change?
While Joburg turned out to be a pleasant place, had I the option, I'd have skipped it to spend more time in Cape Town. I'd also spend a few more days in Franschhoek and around - the area turned out to be my favourite. Now that I've also had a lay of the land, I'm more confident about self-driving next time I visit. Also, I only realised how convenient it is to travel from SA to neighbouring countries, and would like to latch on visits to the Namibian desert, Botswana's game parks, the Victoria Falls on the Zambia-Zimbabwe border, and the beaches of Mozambique alongside a return to SA.
I realise I could have managed some things better on this trip, but bottom line is that I enjoyed it, and that this is not a 'who had the best trip' competition. I'm just sharing my positive experience of South Africa in the hope that it encourages others to properly and safely plan a trip to the place instead of avoiding it out of second-hand-scares.
Happy to take any follow ups in the comments :)

Inside the boundless expanse of Loria Online, Guspy the elven mage drained the last of his mana vaporizing a Vickerbite. It was his third hour of grinding this particular mob, and he was getting tired.
“What’s the drop rate on this thing again?” he asked Collins.
Collins cleaved another Vickerbite with his greataxe. “0.02% or something. Getting bored?”
Guspy was indeed getting bored. Despite their grotesque appearance (they looked like flying crocodile heads with mosquito feet), Vickerbites were pushovers.
“Yeah, I might only have a few minutes’ more patience for this.”
Collins slammed his axe into the ground, causing a shockwave that killed another three. “That’s ok, we’ve been playing for a while. It just kind of feels like wasted time if we quit now, though.”
“Are you getting close to leveling?”
“Nope.”
“Me neither.”
A Vickerbite burst when he swatted it with his staff. A loot bag dropped onto the rust colored dirt.
Probably another Vicker Tongue or leg or something, Guspy thought. He almost didn’t bother to check. But when he did, he found what he and Collins had been seeking for so long.
“I got it! The belt dropped!”
“Thank God, let’s get out of here,” Collins said, regrouping with the mage he protected.
Guspy read the item description for The Belt of Endurance.
The Belt of Endurance Slot: Belt Rarity: Very Rare Earth Resistance: %%0 Air Resistance: %%0 Fire Resistance: %%0 Water Resistance: %%0 Physical Resistance: %%0 Magic Resistance: %%0 Debuff Resistance: %%0
“What the hell?” Guspy said.
“What’s wrong? Is it the wrong belt?” Collins casually swatted two final Vickerbites.
“The stats are glitched or something. It’s supposed to be 5% resistance to everything, right?”
“The BoE? Yeah, 5% resist all. Is it not?”
“It shows ‘percent percent zero’.”
Collins shrugged. “Put it on, see what happens.”
Guspy equipped the belt and checked his character’s stats. “Ha, that’s so weird. All of my resistances show backslash, open parenthesis, ‘N’, close parenthesis.”
Collins used the Warrior’s Assessment ability on Guspy. “Huh. When I analyze you, I see hashtag ‘null’.”
“That’s either really good or really bad,” said Guspy.
Collins raised his sword and struck Guspy on the shoulder.
Collins attacks you for 0 damage
“There are safer ways to check!” Guspy said.
“It didn’t hurt you, weird. Mind if I use a little Fire Fan scroll on you?” Collins asked with a toothy grin.
“You have one? Aren’t you a little over leveled for that?” Fire Fan produced a tiny cone of flame that did very little damage.
“I’m a hoarder. So, can I?” Collins wiggled the scroll between his fingers.
Guspy agreed.
Collins casts Fire Fan for 0 fire damage
“Guspy, I don’t want to alarm you, but I think that belt makes you invincible,” said Collins.
Guspy began to bounce up and down in excitement. “Oh man, think of the possibilities! I can solo raid a guild hall. The Nighthawks deserve that kind of ass whupping,” he said, referring their rival guild in Loria. “Or I can loot an end-game dungeon! We’re not far from The Death Pit.”
Collins looked into Guspy’s eyes and gave him the smile a parent gives a child when they ask where rainbows end.
“Oh, you asshole!” said Guspy.
“I think you should turn it in,” said Collins.
“Why?! Why would I do that?! The Nighthawks have been bullying us for months now. With this, I could walk right in their guild hall, wipe them out, and tear the whole thing down. They wouldn’t be able to stop me! You can’t tell me they don’t deserve it.”
“Not saying they don’t,” said Collins.
Guspy pressed, “I can farm The Death Pit for Soulflayers. Everyone in our guild could have a Soulflayer, even the newbies. They’d finally be tough enough to join us on raids. You know how they’ve been dying to play with us in high level zones. Think how happy they would be!”
“Oh, they’d be awfully happy,” said Collins.
Guspy unleashed his coup de grace. “And! I can go to Fort Murder, stroll through it without a care in the world, kill the general, and not have to split the loot with anyone. That means I would get a Headsman’s Axe, which I would of course donate to my dear friend Collins. Wouldn’t you like a Headsman’s Axe?”
“I absolutely would,” said Collins.
“Ok, good. So, I’ll just—"
“Turn it in, Guspy,” said Collins.
Guspy stamped his feet in frustration. “Why though? You just said you were on board with the Nighthawks and the Soulflayer and the axe!”
“Oh, I am. The Nighthawks need to get taught. Having the newbies be tough enough to join us would be great. I’ve been dying for a Headsman for months now. But you’d be cheating. Momma didn’t raise no cheater, and daddy didn’t raise no troll,” said Collins.
“That’s so backward. You know the Nighthawks would do that to us if they got it,” said Guspy.
“Sure enough. But we can’t control what they do, and I can’t control what you do. I just want you to remember what I’ve said before: there’s a person on the other end of that character. A person just like you. I can only imagine how tilted you’d get if someone cheated to become invincible and killed you. Or farmed their whole guild ultra-rares and used them on you. I’m just asking you, as a friend, to turn it in. Please.”
Guilt. He’s put the guilt in me, thought Guspy. What an asshole.
“Fine, I’ll head to Pokate and turn it in,” said Guspy, pouting and kicking an errant stone.
“Thanks, Gusp. I promise I’ll help you find a legit one. I gotta go, though. Play later?”
“You know it,” said Guspy, and he watched Collin’s avatar dissipate.
Guspy walked back to Pokate City, the largest player hub in the area. The journey was a particularly hazardous one. Wild beast attacks, an assassin, a rockslide, even an errant fireball from an ongoing battle, all harmless in the face of his perfect resistance. He crossed into the city proper, whitewashed buildings that held little shops and extra dimensional guildhalls. Pokate Palace loomed over all of this like a resplendent sundial. The stained-glass windows shimmered in the sunlight.
Guspy approached a beggar in the street. The beggar’s body was gaunt. His dirty rags and matted beard spoke of hungry days and cruel nights. The beggars of Loria Online were portals to moderator attention. Speaking to a beggar cued a request. A moderator would eventually take control of the beggar and offer assistance.
Guspy knelt before the beggar.
“I’d like to speak with a moderator, please.”
“All in good time, my boy,” the beggar wheezed.
Guspy felt an itch in his legs. There was still time to run wild, to reap the rewards of his lottery ticket. He cursed Collins for guilting him and attempted to distract himself. Guspy admired the features on the beggar. His eyes traced cavernous wrinkled flesh. Saw the tiny movements of lice in the filthy thick beard. Saw the faintest deposits of salt in two long tracks leading down from the cloudy blue eyes.
The beggar had been crying. Why would they include such a heartbreaking detail? Why haven’t I ever noticed this before? Guspy thought.
The clouds in the beggar’s eyes parted, revealing a bright blue sky. “Thank you for waiting, this is Raymond. How can I help you?” A voice as crisp as autumn wind now spoke through the beggar.
“Uhh, hi. I’ve got a problem with an item I found?” Guspy spoke at the mouth of the beggar.
“Sure thing! Is it an item you have equipped right now?”
“Yeah, The Belt of Endurance. The values look wonky, and It makes me immune to every element. I’m immune to physical and magic damage now too.”
There was a long pause, the beggar’s eye fluttered. “You’re reporting that an item is broken in your favor?”
Guspy winced. “Umm, yes sir? It basically makes me immortal.”
Guspy waited patiently. The moderator was using his tools to see Guspy’s menu screens, something that was normally private.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake!” the beggar said. “It’s a null shunt error.”
“A null shunt error?”
“Yeah. Sometimes during a drop-roll, the system shunts over a clipped value that…sometimes it breaks.”
“Ah.”
“They’re a bitch to fix. Thankfully very rare. This one is particularly bad, and I’m at the end of my shift.” The mod let out a sigh that prophesized an exhausting tedious future.
“Well…thank you for your honesty! Usually when an item glitches in a player’s favor, they keep it a secret for as long as they can. Then they have a temper tantrum when we take it away. Alright, Guspy, I’m on morning shift tomorrow. I don’t want to deal with this right now. I’m giving you eight hours of god mode. Can I trust you not to make me regret it?”
Guspy was stunned. A mod was allowing immortality for eight hours? Trusting him? Why?
“You can trust me,” Guspy said.
“I hope so. I’ll fix this in the morning, don’t take the belt off or you’ll have negative infinite resistance and die from a sunburn.” The beggar’s eyes clouded back over.
Guspy threw a gold piece into the beggar’s bowl, a good luck ritual that even the highest level raiders did before a dangerous run.
He was in the clear. A mod had okayed him having god mode. Anything I do is the mod’s fault now! Guspy thought, but the thought gave him a queasy feeling the moment it passed through his mind. He was being trusted. He had promised to not make the mod regret it.
What was the mod’s name? Randy? He remembered Collins's words about there being real people on the other end of the game. He supposed that meant Randy too. He imagined telling someone to their face that his actions were their fault, like trust somehow absolved him of responsibility. He imagined someone else doing that to him. Or doing that to his little sister…
He spent a fair amount of gold on fast travel scrolls, valuable, single-use items that would transport the player anywhere in Loria. Guspy now stood on the craggy lip of Salamander’s Eye. The massive active volcano dominated the primordial jungle landscape. A vast column of ebony smoke rose from the lava pit, the birthplace of thunderclouds. Guspy spread his arms wide and fell into the heat, letting simulated gravity carry him downward to the roiling floor of liquid earth.
At the last moment he reflexively raised his hands to shield himself. Lava was instant death in Loria, doing an infinite amount of damage per second. Guspy was now sinking slowly in this most dangerous of elements unharmed. He raised his hand in a thumbs up as he sank beneath the surface.
Whorls of incandescent crimson, brown, and orange materialized and dispersed endlessly. It was like looking into the fickle furnace of creation, so eager to invent but too chaotic to design.
Guspy wondered if he’d fall forever. At last, his feet settled on something solid. He was the first player to set foot here. A unique accomplishment, one he could keep. He moved through the lava as though it was water. Must not have been a very important thing to program considering you die as soon as you touch it, he thought.
Guspy explored the floor of the volcano. It was perfectly smooth and without texture, an entire volcano held up on a pane of glass. But then he found something. A deformity in the bottom of the world. He explored it with his hand. It felt like a solid bubble sticking up out of the flat plane beneath him. It moved a little.
It’s a doorknob! Guspy realized. He turned it and felt it fall away beneath him. He sank further and dropped into a vast open room, the lava didn’t follow past the entry. Guspy cast a series of Light spells, banishing the darkness to the black obsidian of the walls and floor.
A giant floating sign that hung suspended in midair grabbed Guspy’s attention.
“IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO GET HERE.”
“Shows what you know, sign,” Guspy said, and began to explore.
In the secret chamber Guspy found dozens of monster models from the surrounding area, frozen in the sterile T-position. He took the time inspect them in the minutest detail. He saw the way salamander skin glittered with the luster of countless ruby gemstones. He watched the dancing flames of fire elementals, and discovered their heat rose above the limitation of their hitbox. He looked deep into the eyes of a stone golem and saw that they were prisms. They split the blue glow of the golem’s magical core into a frigid winter sunset, whites and blues dancing and concealing a secret whisper of deep red.
I don’t think I ever really looked at the models before, he thought. Even now he couldn’t recall any specific details of any monster he had fought. They were all colored blurs in his mind, faceless values and blocks of information.
Despite his immortality, he still froze in fear when his spell illuminated a colossus of steel tucked away in a corner of the room. It was a broad suit of cold iron armor, bereft of adornment and pockmarked with the careless ministrations of a thousand hammers beating the metal into shape. In one clenched fist it carried a wicked looking cleaver, one that belonged in a giant’s butcher shop, used to crack the toughest dragon bones and partition the choicest bits.
Guspy had never seen or heard of this creature in his life.
You must not have made it into the final game. At least not yet, thought Guspy. Despite its beastly ugliness, Guspy felt a pang of remorse. Someone worked to design every aspect of this monstrosity to evoke the feelings of fear and disgust, and they had been very successful. But it had gone unused and unseen since the game’s inception.
I remember the Christmas ornament I made in middle school. A Christmas light made to look like a reindeer, googly eyes and fuzzy brown pipe cleaners for antlers. I was so proud. But when Christmas came, they didn’t want to put it on the tree. They thought it looked too silly.
Guspy left a gold coin at its feet, alms for unsung effort.
He was preparing to depart when he noticed an unadorned chest had appeared beneath the presumptive sign. Guspy was certain it hadn’t been there before. He approached, circling the chest, before reaching out and lightly tapping it. He may invulnerable, but this was a developer’s world. Who knows what treachery could hide here? He lifted the lid, tilting his head and peeking at its contents with one eye shut. Inside was a billiard sized ball of translucent glass. Guspy recognized a Title Sphere. These rare items would grant a moniker to the character’s name. It was a single use item worth tens of thousands of gold. Too curious to resist learning what it would bestow, he shattered the sphere in his palm. Red dust flowed between his fingers like Martian sand. His name had changed from Guspy to Guspy the Wanderer.
Guspy used his next scroll and teleported to the shipwreck of the Soothsayers Doom. A brig suspended above the ocean on a monstrous coral bed, the ship itself was a mid-level dungeon. Players could fight their way from deck to deck, battling undead crewmen that fired grapeshot salvos into crowded rooms, shredding players into bloody clouds. The Captain was the boss of the dungeon, and part of his loot was a map that would send players on a quest line that eventually led players to the halls of the merfolk king, an extremely high-level dungeon at the bottom of the ocean.
Being immortal, Guspy took what players called the ‘express route’, swimming directly downward from the open sea. It was suicide. Besides suffocation, players had to contend with titanic carcharodons, giant squid, invisible water elementals, and elite merfolk guard. These creatures had mastery of the terrain, and few players were accustomed to attacks that could come from any direction.
Beneath him, the phosphorescent glow of the Coral Castle overpowered the distant sun for dominion of the depths. Guspy slipped into a castle window, ignoring the tridents of the pursuing Knights of Pearl. The Castle was a dungeon that needed to be completed quickly, lest the player’s water breathing magic wear off. That made it the perfect sight-seeing location for someone who didn’t need to breathe. Guspy examined the meticulously decorated royal bedrooms. The books in Loria were filled with open source stories from the real world. Players spent hours in this fantasy world engrossed in the prose of Tom Sawyer and Paradise Lost. But yellowed letters fell from between the pages like autumn leaves.
Never whole without you, my beloved Jennifer,
B.C.
Guspy didn’t know the merfolk princess even had a name. Neither had he any idea who B.C was, or if these pages were part of some fetch quest he had never come across.
Deeper in the palace he found the throne room of the merfolk king. The king was gigantic, of course, all raid bosses were. The king was also an enemy that demanded constant focus and attention to defeat. He cycled seamlessly through attack patterns, buffs, and stage activations. Missing the tell-tale signs would leave you a step behind the dance and doomed to failure.
Guspy now had a unique opportunity. He ignored the king completely. The throne room was heaped with chests of gold and artifacts plundered from sunken ships. But they were only decorative, ersatz décor designed to regale the room with the trappings of wealth and luxury. Being worthless, players ignored them. Guspy took the time to closely inspect the mountains of coins and bejeweled quillions that rose from the coin piles. Ignoring the world-shaking bolts of lightning, magical rays, and great sweeps of the merfolk king’s trident, he crouched to the level of a single coin.
There, in the face of the coin, were three smiling children. The normal relief of Empress Aubrianna, a mythical figure in Origin’s history, was replaced with a picture of a family. The normal Latin phrase, “A solis ortu usque ad occasum”, had been replaced with, “Jason, Melody, Brock”. He moved from one coin to the next. Families, pets, and selfies looked back at him. Some had names written, others messages, “Thx Mel, my rock <3” “Joe & Cara 4 eva” “We did it!”
Guspy wondered if any player had ever seen these. Maybe, but he hadn’t, and that made it special to him. He wondered what he would put on his own coin. Me, Collins, and Becca at the beach, he thought. A picture that had been his desktop background for years. The only evidence of a perfect day.
Having taken his fill of the throne room, Guspy pulled out another scroll and teleported away.
Hogglerock dungeon was an aberration. Most dungeons tried to evoke a sense of awe or fear, but Hogglerock was just gross. Its entrance was at the center of a mud-smothered swamp. Poisonous insects and carnivorous slugs roamed the wastes searching for carrion to strip or making their own if none could be found.
To descend into the putrid depths of Hogglerock, you entered the mouth of a great saurian beast. It was long since dead, its flesh in a perpetual state of decay. Down its mucus-caked throat, you entered a dungeon that had been created from the offal that remained of its digestive system. Noxious acid pools, monstrous parasites, and bloated scavengers challenged players that came to plunder the carcass.
Guspy had to stop and think before entering the sixth stomach of the beast. He had no idea if his plan would work, or even made sense. Guspy removed all his armor and weapons, save for the Belt of Endurance. He entered the dungeon’s final room, aggroing a great bipedal minotaur and its bovine kin. Guspy sat and crossed his legs. He closed his eyes and focused on slowing his breath and his heart. Aggro in Loria was based on a series of factors: proximity, source of damage or debuff, equipment levels, class, movement, and supposedly even biometric data the VR rig was able to obtain.
The monsters were instantly aggroed when the rubbery sphincter of the sixth stomach was touched, converging on their only target. Guspy’s lack of equipment, aggression, and stillness would reduce his aggro over time. He waited and he watched. In time the monsters lost interest, ceasing their attacks and wandering back to their starting positions. Guspy continued to watch. For a time, they only bobbed in place, replaying idle animations and howling blistering war cries. But, in time, Guspy saw a strange behavior begin. One smaller minotaur creature pulled out a hunk of meat, clutching it by the pure white protruding bone. It chomped a piece and munched in contentment, eyes closed in blissful indulgence. The giant boss minotaur began to sniff the air, and a game of keep away began. The smaller minotaurs tossed the meat between themselves as the boss zeroed in on the source of the smell.
Who is this for? wondered Guspy. Who was meant to see this? And how? Why hide it? How many monsters of Loria Online had these little secrets? Tiny moments of humor buried in terabytes of code, only visible in a state of extreme passivity. Once the capering script had completed, the bovines returned to their normal places and continued to cycle basic idle motions.
It’s for me. Since I’m the one watching it, that means it’s for me, thought Guspy.
Guspy pulled out his final scroll, completing the spell just before he was beset again.
Guspy the Wanderer appeared back in Pokate City. His new title drew lingering looks from other players who searched their memories. Guspy’s time was running low, and fatigue massaged his mind and eyes. There was more he could search for. He could run down the hours until the mod logged back on and set things to rights. But he didn’t want the last moments of such an enlightening day to be a race against the clock. It would spoil the sense of calm and contemplation he had cultivated. Instead he sat down next to a beggar and composed a message to Collins.
“I won’t be joining you today, Collins, but I’ve got so much to tell you about when I do.”
He had seen beyond the veil. He witnessed tiny miracles of creation hidden from mortal sight. Sparks of love that flickered once more when observed. For a precious few hours, he was blessed with a peace that allowed him to fall in love with the game all over again, to appreciate its creation like a benevolent god.
Collins and Guspy returned to the red rock canyon. Guspy admired the visible strata of the walls. Simulated eons left perfect layers of color stacked like the pages of a book. Little details, so insignificant yet so engrossing. He appreciated the work that went into this game. The efforts of artists always caught his notice.

Since this sub was so helpful in planning, I wanted to share my itinerary and trip report! We had an incredible first time in Japan and I can't wait to go back.
Couldn't fit our (very detailed) itinerary in this post, but if you'd like to download it's here.
Medium article version with photos + itinerary is here.
And our shareable Google map is here.
About us:

• We’re New Yorkers in our 30s who have been planning this trip for about 6 months.
• My bf has been learning Japanese for about a year, and I’ve been learning for about 5 months (a mix of Pimsleur and Duolingo).
• Boyfriend is into history and baseball, I'm into skincare and nature, but we’re both big on food so that was our number one priority.
• He has a peanut allergy and avoids all nuts. He learned to say that in Japanese (私はピーナッツアレルギーがあります - "Watashi wa piinattsu arerugī ga arimasu”), and every restaurant and hotel was understanding and careful. Luckily most cuisine is nut-free anyway, but we managed not to have any close calls in 2 weeks which is amazing.

Some overall learnings:

• If I were planning this trip again, I think I would skip Kanazawa. It was a lovely town and the food was amazing, but we wished we had spent that time with a night or two in Osaka instead of just making it a day trip from Kyoto.
• Even if you’re not a baseball fan, Japanese baseball games are so much fun. I’ve never experienced anything like it.
• I packed a suitcase and brought a fold-up duffel bag, and halfway through the trip I moved my clothes to the duffel and just used the suitcase for souvenirs. It was a great idea but we ended up buying an extra suitcase at Donki our last day anyway.
• We both felt a bit underdressed compared to locals, especially in Tokyo. I wish I’d packed more dresses, skirts and trousers and fewer jeans and tees - the only people I saw wearing sweats, athletic wear or cutoffs were other tourists. Obviously you can wear what you want, just be aware you’ll stick out! Also, women are generally more covered up, even on warmer days, to protect their skin from the sun.
• If you go clothes shopping, take your shoes off in dressing rooms. I made a right fool of myself.
• Clothes sizing is wildly different in Japan. Know your cm measurements! Your size here may be hurtful to your ego.
• People line up to get on the train (check the ground for a guide of where to stand) and let everyone off before they get on. This seems obvious, but I’ve been living in New York so long that I wanted to weep tears of joy every time.
• If you’re new to sitting showers: there are two buttons. One is to fill up a bowl of water, and the other is to turn on the handheld shower head. Both automatically turn off a minute after you turn them on, but you can also turn them off manually. You sit on the little stool and there’s usually a mirror in front of you, which is… a humbling experience. There are usually also scrubbing washcloths.
• The worst train station toilet was still nicer than a goddamn Nordstrom bathroom. It was a pleasure to have IBS in Japan.
• At many European and American historical sites, you pay a hefty flat fee to see everything. In Japan, you can usually get into the temple grounds for free, then pay for each individual building you go into. Most were 400-700y/person, which felt really reasonable.
• We came at an almost perfect time (mid-May) weather-wise. Most days it was clear or sunny with a high in the mid-seventies. We definitely got some rain, but less than we were expecting (maybe 3-4 rainy days and 5-6 rainy nights).

Hotel Reviews:
Tokyu Stay Shinjuku Eastside (Tokyo): This was a great basic hotel, close to plenty of transportation and right on the edge of Kabukicho. The buffet breakfast was the highlight - a great mix of Western and Japanese breakfast options, including a great miso soup.Hakone Airu (Hakone): Mixed review here. On the one hand, the in-room onsen and public onsen were both wonderful, and the service was extraordinary. On the other hand, the mix of Balinese and Japanese didn’t quite work, and dinner and breakfast were more confusing than enjoyable.Hotel Alza (Kyoto): By far our favorite stay. I can’t recommend this place enough, and it was definitely worth paying a little extra. They brought us an amazing bento breakfast in our rooms every morning, they had every amenity we could need (they even re-upped the free sheet masks every day), and the micro-bubble bath at the end of a long day of walking was amazing.Koyasan Syukubo Ekoin Temple (Mt Koya): This was a great temple experience. Koyasan in general is obviously pretty tourist-y, but Eko-in still made it feel authentic, and dinner and breakfast were both amazing. Your stay includes a meditation class, morning prayers and a morning fire ritual, and you can pay to attend a cemetery tour, all of which were great.Utaimachi (Kanazawa): We were only here for two nights, but this place was pretty good. Very close to the Higashi Chaya area, where we didn’t actually end up spending much time. Always love tatami mat flooring, and the washedryer was a nice bonus, but we were also right next to the lobby and right under another room so there was some noise.The Gate Asakusa (Tokyo): A great and very Westernized hotel with amazing views of Shinso-ji and the surrounding area. It’s on the top floors of a building right in the middle of all things Asakusa, but is still pretty quiet. And has a wonderful, deep soaking tub with free bath salts.

Tuesday: Arrival, Shinjuku

1 PM: Arrival at Haneda
We got customs and immigration forms to fill out on the plane and everything went fairly quickly. Picked up some cash and Suica cards, went to see about taking the Airport Limousine bus ($10/each) but we should have booked in advance because there wasn’t one for another hour. We ended up taking a taxi (about $50) to our hotel in Shinjuku.
4 PM: Arrival at hotel - Tokyu Stay Shinjuku East Side
We dropped our luggage and went to a nearby eel restaurant, Shinjuku Unatetsu. The eel was incredible and not too filling. Wandered Kabuki-cho for a bit, I dragged my bf through all 4 floors of Don Quijote (I had a list of beauty items to pick up), then rested at the hotel.
7 PM: Dinner in Shinjuku (Tsunahachi)
We went to Tsunahachi for dinner and got some amazing tempura (I wish we had sat at the bar to watch it being made!) and then crashed by 9 pm, because we are young and cool.

Wednesday: Harajuku, Meiji, and Shibuya

7 AM: Hotel breakfast
Up early for hotel breakfast, which has convinced bf to start making miso soup every morning.
9 AM: Shinjuku Station - Pick up JR Passes
We went to Shinjuku station to pick up our JR passes, then spent 30 minutes finding the place where we could get them before 10 AM. There was a long line (staff shortage) so we waited about an hour but we got them and headed to Harajuku.
11 AM: Meiji Shrine & Yoyogi Park
We walked to Meiji Shrine, stopping at the gardens along the way (well worth the 500y entrance fee, especially on a beautiful day). We were lucky to come across a wedding at the shrine. Then we walked around Yoyogi Park a bit.
1 PM: Lunch (Gyoza Lou)
Walked into Gyoza Lou and were seated right away. Incredible gyoza as well as beer and bean sprouts with meat sauce - maybe 10 bucks total for 2 people.
1:30 PM: Shopping/museums in Harajuku
We split up so I could do some shopping in vintage stores - Flamingo, TAGTAG and Kinji (my favorite), and bf could go to the Ota Memorial Museum for their Cats in Ukiyo-e exhibit (which he loved). I walked down Takeshita street to meet him and managed to get a green tea, strawberry and red bean paste crepe from Marion Crepes.
3 PM: Shibuya Scramble & Hachinko Statue
We grabbed the train to Shibuya, saw the scramble and the Hachinko statue, then entered the maze that is Tokyu Hands. I got some onsen powders for gifts and some more cosmetics. My boyfriend checked out the Bic camera store and I went to Gu, which is like the love child of Uniqlo and Primark. I immediately undid all the “light packing” I did with new clothes.
7 PM: Dinner Reservation - Shinjuku Kappu Nakajima
I got us a reservation a few months ago at Shinjuku Kappu Nakajima. It was probably one of the best meals of my life. The omakase came out to less than $100usd each, which felt like a steal.
9 PM: Golden Gai bar (Bar Araku)
We wandered Golden Gai and went into a bar where the entrance fee was waived for foreigners called Bar Araku. It was very small but had great vibes, highly recommend. I drank too much sake, which will be a theme.

Thursday: Shinjuku

4 AM: Earthquake
The phone alerts are insanely loud! We rushed down to the hotel lobby and the only other people there were fellow foreigners - apparently Japanese people at the hotel knew a 5.1 is okay to sleep through.
9 AM: Shinjuku Gyoen
We strolled around in the sun taking photos for about 3 hours. Today is a lot less planned than yesterday - I kind of wish I’d switched the itineraries after how long getting the JR Pass took. We did go to the fancy Starbucks, of course.
12 PM: Lunch (Kaiten Sushi Numazuto)
We tried to go to a nearby sushi place but it was full, so we walked up to Kaiten Sushi Numazuto. We were a little disappointed it wasn’t actually conveyor belt sushi (the conveyor belt was for show and you ordered from the staff). Stopped in Bic camera afterwards for a bit.
2 PM: Ninja Trick House
We tried to go to the Samurai museum but learned it closed a few weeks ago. A good excuse to go to the Ninja Trick House instead. You’re thinking: “Isn’t that place for children?” Yes. Yes it is. And we loved every minute. I now have a camera roll full of myself being terrible at throwing stars. The dream.
3 PM: Don Quijote
More Don Quijote, mostly to get out of the rain. Got my last few beauty products I really wanted and a few souvenirs. An overstimulating heaven.
6 PM: 3-hour Shinjuku Foodie Tour
We signed up for a 3-hour “foodie tour” of Shinjuku that stopped at a sushi place, a Japanese bbq spot with insane wagyu beef, and a sake tasting spot. It was great, and we loved our guide, but wished it had stopped at a few more spots to try more things.
9 PM: Walk around Shinjuku
We attempted to play pachinko, got very confused and lost $7. Tourism!

Friday: Hakone

7 AM: Set up luggage forwarding to Kyoto with hotel
Luggage forwarding is brilliant. We did it twice and it went so smoothly, for about $10 USD per bag. Highly recommend.
9 AM: Transit to Hakone
We got to experience Japanese transit at rush hour. I can’t believe I have to go back to the MTA after this. We took the subway to Tokyo station and then the Shinkansen to Odawara, then a train to Hakone-Yumoto. The hotel was only a 20-minute walk away, so we decided to take a more scenic route - which turned out to be a forest hike straight up switchbacks most of the way.
11 AM: Lunch in Hakone (Hatsuhana)
We stopped in a soba place called Hatsuhana with a system of writing your name down and waiting outside to be called in. They skipped our names because they weren’t in Japanese, but let us in when they realized their mistake. The soba was made and served by old aunties so of course it was insanely good and well worth it.
1 PM: Hakone Open Air Museum
We took the train down to the Hakone Open Air Museum, which lived up to the hype. I’m not normally into sculpture, but seeing it in nature, and the way the museum is laid out, made it incredible. And obviously the Picasso exhibit was amazing.
3 PM: Owakudani, Pirate Ship, Hakone Checkpoint
We took the train to the cable car to Owakudani, then the ropeway to Togendai, then the pirate ship ferry to Motohakone. We were running behind so unfortunately had to rush through the Hakone Checkpoint, which was empty but very cool.
6 PM: Dinner at hotel
Back to our hotel for our kaiseki meal. The staff spoke very little English and Google struggled with the menu, so we had no idea what we were eating half the time, but overall it was pretty good.
9 PM: Onsen time
Experienced my first public onsen, followed by the private onsen in our room. The tatami sleep did wonders for my back.

Saturday: Travel to Kyoto, Philosopher’s Path, Gion

8 AM: Breakfast, travel to Kyoto
Took the train to Odawara and then the Shinkansen to Kyoto station. We booked all of our Shinkansen seats about a week in advance but you can also book them on the day, I believe.
1 PM: Lunch in Gion
Our Kyoto hotel let us check in early, and then we went looking for lunch. Quickly learned that most every place in the Gion area has a line outside and closes at 2! We eventually found a tiny spot with insanely good ramen. It also had chicken sashimi on the menu but we weren’t brave enough.
2 PM: Philosopher’s Path, Ginkaku-ji
We took a bus over to the Philosopher’s Path, which was not busy at all because of the rain. It was pretty, and I could see how great it would look in cherry blossom season. We had to kind of rush to Ginkaku-ji, which was gorgeous nonetheless.
4 PM: Honen-in, Nanzen-ji
Stopped by Honen-in (which we had completely to ourselves, thanks rain!) and then Nanzen-ji. My bf is a big history guy and he went feral for the Hojo rock garden. It was very pretty and I’d love to see it in better weather.
6 PM: Food Tour of Gion & Pontocho
This food tour stopped at two places (an izakaya and a standing bar) with a walking tour of Gion and Pontocho in between. We also stopped at Yasaka shrine and caught a rehearsal of a traditional Japanese performance.
10 PM: Pain
My feet hurt so bad. Bring waterproof shoes, but make sure they don’t have 5 year old insoles. I tried some stick-on cooling acupuncture foot pads I picked up at Donki and they were bliss.

Sunday: Arashiyama, The Golden Pavilion and Tea Ceremony

8 AM: Arashiyama Bamboo Forest
The forecast was for heavy rain all day, but we lucked out and only got a few drizzles here and there. We headed to Arashiyama Bamboo Forest in the morning and it wasn’t too crowded. We did have an amazing bamboo dish at dinner last night so now bamboo makes me hungry.
10 AM: Tenryu-ji, Iwatayama Monkey Park
Headed over to Tenryu-ji, which was very nice but very crowded, and then to one of the things I looked forward to most on the trip, the Iwatayama Monkey Park. It’s a 20 minute hike up there but it is worth it. Oh my god. Getting to feed a baby monkey made my whole week.
12 PM: Lunch near Arashiyama (Udon Arashiyama-tei)
Headed back down to the main road and got duck udon at a little place called Udon Arashiyama-tei. I know I keep calling everything incredible but… yes.
1 PM: Ginkaku-ji
Ran into some bus issues (the first time we experienced anything public transit-wise not running as expected!) but eventually got over to Ginkaku-ji. It was also very crowded (seems like Japanese schools are big on field trips, which I’m jealous of) and not my favorite temple, but beautiful nonetheless.
3 PM: Daitoku-ji
We were ahead of schedule so we got to spend some time at our meeting place for the tea ceremony, Daitoku-ji. It ended up being our favorite temple, especially Daisen-in, a small and very quiet spot with a great self-guided tour. The monks showed us a section normally closed to non-Japanese tourists with beautiful calligraphy.
4 PM: Tea Ceremony (90 mins)
The tea ceremony we booked said it was in groups of up to ten, but it ended up being just us. It was very nice and relaxing, plus we got a little meal.
6 PM: Dinner (Gion Kappa), Pontocho Alley
We both nearly fell asleep on the bus back so we took it easy for the night. Went to an izakaya called Gion Kappa which had the best tuna belly we’d ever eaten, then did a quick walk around Pontocho Alley, got treats at 7-11 and went to bed early.

Monday: Fushimi Inari, Nishiki Market, Kyoto Imperial Palace (kinda)

9 AM: Fushimi Inari
Our plans to get up super early to beat the crowds to Fushimi Imari were hampered by the fact that we are no longer in our 20s. It was packed by the time we got there, and the amount of littering and defacing done by tourists was a bummer.
11 AM: Tofuku-ji
We had planned to go to the Imperial Palace at 10:30 for the Aoi Parade, but decided instead to get away from crowds by hiking from Fushimi Inari to Tofuku-ji, which was beautiful (I’d love to see it in the fall).
12 PM: Nishiki Market, lunch (Gyukatsu)
Grabbed lunch first at Gyukatsu (wagyu katsu - delicious) then wandered Nishiki a bit. It’s touristy, but fun.
2 PM: Kyoto Gyoen, Kyoto Handicraft Center
It was supposed to rain all day but ended up sunny, so we went back to the hotel to drop off our rain jackets and umbrellas. Stepped back outside and within ten minutes it was raining. We went to Kyoto Gyoen and saw the outside of the imperial palace; it was closed because of the parade earlier and half the garden was blocked off because the former emperor was visiting. Without the palace, Kyoto Gyoen is kind of meh. We walked over to Kyoto Handicraft Center which was also meh, but we picked up some nice lacquerware.
7:30 PM: Dinner at Roan Kiku Noi
We had a reservation at Roan Kiku Noi where we had maybe the best meal of our lives. Amazing that it only has two Michelin stars, honestly. Had fun trying to decipher the pain meds aisle at a Japanese pharmacy afterwards and then called it a night.

Tuesday: Day Trip to Nara

8 AM: Travel to Nara
We took the subway to the JR and were there in about an hour.
9 AM: Nara Deer Park
Two things about the Nara deer. One: if you bow to them, they bow back, and it’s very cute. And two, if you buy the 200y rice crackers to feed to them, do it somewhere where there aren’t very many of them. I got mobbed by like 15 deer and bitten 3 times. My fault for having skin approximately the shade of a rice cracker.
10 AM: Kofuku-ji, Nara National Museum
We saw Kofuku-ji and then the Nara National Museum, then stopped at a random little cafe for rice bowls with some kind of regional sauce (I can’t find it now!).
12 PM: Isetan Garden
We spent a long time finding the entrance to the Isetan garden only for it to be closed on Tuesdays.
2 PM: Giant Buddha
Saw Nandaimon Gate and the Daibutsu (giant Buddha), which are both every bit as enormous and glorious as advertised, as well as very crowded.
3 PM: Kasuga-taisha Shrine
Wandered over to Kasuga-taisha shrine, which is famous for its hundreds of lanterns and thousand-year-old trees. There’s a special inner area (paid) where you can see the lanterns lit up in the dark.
4 PM: Wait for the emperor
We got held up by a procession for, guess who, the former emperor again. Stalker.
5 PM: Nara shopping and snacks
Walked around Higashimuki Shopping Street and Mochiidono Shopping Arcade, bought a nice sake set and an amazing little hand-painted cat, ate some red bean paste pancakes and headed back to Kyoto.
7 PM: Dinner in Kyoto
Walked around Pontocho searching for dinner and landed on Yoshina, where we got even more kaiseki. Finished the night at Hello Dolly, a gorgeous jazz bar overlooking the river.

Wednesday: Day Trip to Osaka

7 AM: Depart hotel
Started by taking the subway to the JR. Took us about an hour altogether, though it would have been faster if we’d caught the express.
9 AM: Osaka Castle
We got to Osaka Castle in time for it to hit 85 degrees out. The outside of the castle is gorgeous, but the line to get in was long and I don’t know if the museum parts were worth the wait, especially with the crowds. The view from the top is nice, though.
12 PM: Okonomiyaki lunch (Abeton)
We went to an okonomiyaki spot in Avetica station called Abeton that was full of locals and absolutely bomb as hell.
1 PM: Shitteno-ji, Keitakuen Gardens
We headed to Shitteno-ji (our oldest temple yet) which was nice, though the climb to the top of then 5 story pagoda wasn’t worth the sweat. Then we walked over to Keitakuen Gardens, a small but gorgeous garden in Tennoji Park. Had a nice sit in the shade to digest and plan our next moves.
3 PM: Ebisuhigasbi, Mega Don Quijote
I am a crazy person, so I had to go to the Mega Don Quijote. We walked around Ebisuhigasbi for a while first, and while I was buying gifts in Donki, my boyfriend entered a sushi challenge for westerners (which turned out to just be “can a white boy handle wasabi”) and won a bunch of random crap! Now we own Japanese furniture wipes.
5 PM: Dotonbori & America-mura
We took the Osaka Loop to the Dotonbori area, which was super crowded as expected. We walked around America-mura and enjoyed seeing what they think of us. There are great designer vintage clothing shops here if that’s your thing.
6 PM: Dinner (Jiyuken)
We tried to get into Koni Doraku, a crab restaurant, but they were booked up, so we went to a tiny spot called Jiyuken for curry instead. I would do things for this curry. It was the platonic ideal of curry. It was served by old Japanese aunties from a very old recipe, so we knew it was going to be good, but it exceeded our wildest expectations… for <1000y each.
7 PM: Return to Kyoto
My feet were feeling real bad (the Nikes may look cool but they cannot support 25k steps a day) so we headed back to Kyoto and packed for our early morning tomorrow.

Thursday: Travel to Koyasan, Temple Stay

8 AM: Bus from Kyoto to Koyasan
The transit from Kyoto to Mt Koya is complicated, so we ended up just booking a bus directly from Kyoto Station to Koyasan (which barely cost more than public transit!). We got there bright and early for the 3 hour trip - if you take a bus out of Kyoto Station I definitely recommend giving yourself extra time to navigate to the right bus.
11 AM: Arrive at Eko-in, lunch
We arrived in Mt Koya and checked in to our temple, Eko-in. The quiet and the beauty hit me hard and I fell asleep for a few hours. We got a nice lunch at Hanabishi in town.
4 PM: Meditation class, dinner
The temple offered a meditation class, which was lovely, followed by a vegan dinner in our rooms. I can’t explain how peaceful this place was.
7 PM: Okuno-in Cemetery
We signed up for a monk-led tour of Okuno-in, which was definitely worth it. Came back for some public baths and fell asleep to the sound of rainfall.

Friday: Travel to Kanazawa, Higashi Chaya District

7 AM: Service & ritual at Eko-in
The day started with a religious service and a fire ritual at the temple. Both were stunning. I did wish that my fellow tourists had been a bit more respectful by showing up on time and following directions, but luckily, no one has more patience than a Buddhist monk.
9 AM: Travel to Kanazawa
We took a taxi through some sketchy mountain roads to Gokurakubashi Station, took two trains to Osaka Station, and then the JR Thunderbird to Kanazawa.
1 PM: Arrive at Kanazawa, Lunch (Maimon)
We got into Kanazawa station and went straight for a sushi spot called Maimon, which was delicious. Struggled a bit with the bus system and eventually got to our hotel, Utaimachi.
4 PM: Higashi Chaya District
Wandered the Higashi Chaya district a bit. It seemed kind of dead, but maybe we are just used to the hustle and bustle of Tokyo/Kyoto.
7 PM: Korinbo, dinner (Uguisu)
Walked down to the Korinbo area southwest of the park and found a tiny ramen spot called Uguisu. Incredible. Some of the best broth I’ve ever tasted plus amazing sous vide meats.
9 PM: Bar in Korinbo (Kohaku)
Went to a little upstairs whiskey bar called Kohaku. Boyfriend got Japanese whiskey and they made me a custom cocktail with sake, pineapple and passion fruit that was just insane. They were very nice and talked baseball with us for a while.

Saturday: Omicho Market, Kanazawa Castle, 21st Century Museum

9 AM: Kenroku-en Garden
We walked over to Kenroku-en Gardens, which were as beautiful as advertised. I was hurting pretty bad (crampy ladies, just know Japanese OTC painkillers are much weaker than ours, BYO Advil) so we’re moving slowly today.
12 PM: Omicho Market, lunch (Iki-Iki Sushi)
Walked to Omicho Market and ate little bits from different stalls, then waited about an hour to get into Iki-Iki Sushi. It was worth it. Some of the best, freshest sushi of my life.
2 PM: Kanazawa Castle, 21st Century Museum of Contemporary Art
We walked around Kanazawa Castle a bit, then walked over to the 21st Century Museum of Contemporary Art. It was packed and the line to get tickets to the special exhibits was crazy, so we looked at the free ones and then headed back. Along the way we stopped in a few little stores and bought some handcrafted lacquerware from a local artist.
6 PM: Onnagawa Festival, dinner (Huni)
As we walked towards the restaurant, we came upon the Onnagawa Festival on the Plum Bridge, which included a beautiful dancing ceremony and lantern lighting. We went to Huni for dinner, our first “westernized Japanese” restaurant, and it was fantastic. 9 dishes served slowly over 3 hours at a table overlooking the river. Highly recommend if you’re in Kanazawa.
10 PM: Why does the bathtub have a phone
We went back to our hotel, struggled with the automated bathtub, and enjoyed our last night on tatami floors.

Sunday: Travel to Tokyo, Tokyo Giants Game, Ueno Park

7 AM: Travel to Tokyo
Grabbed a taxi we arranged the night before to Kanazawa Station - it would have been an easy bus journey but our number of bags has increased - and boarded the Shinkansen for Tokyo.
12 PM: Travel to Tokyo Dome and Tokyo Dome Park
Dropped our bags at our hotel in Asakusa, then headed for Tokyo Dome. We got there a little early to look around - there’s basically a full mall and food court and amusement park there. We grabbed some beers and some chicken katsu curry that was delicious.
2 PM: Tokyo Giants vs Chunichi Dragons
Japanese baseball games are so. much. fun. This was a random mid season game, and the stadium was full and people were amped. I’ve been to many American baseball games and never seen fans this excited. We also scored some fried cheese-wrapped hot dogs on a stick and a few more beers and had the time of our lives cheering for the Giants.
5 PM: Ueno Park
After trying and failing to find the jersey we were looking for, we walked to Ueno Park and looked around a bit. It was lovely, but we were exhausted and full of too many beers, so we headed back to Asakusa.
7 PM: Dinner in Asakusa
There was a festival all day around Shinso-ji and there were a ton of street vendors and day-drunk people when we arrived in the afternoon (as a native Louisianan, I approve) and it seemed like the partiers were going on into the night. We ducked into a restaurant for some buckwheat soba (never got the name, but it was only okay) and tucked in early.

Monday: Tsukiji Food Tour, Kapabashi Dougu, Akihabara

8 AM: 3-hour Tsukiji Food Tour + lunch
We started the day with a Tsukiji food tour, which ended up being my favorite food tour of the 3 by far. The guide was great, and we stopped by a dozen food stalls and sampled everything from mochi to fresh tuna to octopus cakes. We finished with lunch at Sushi Katsura, where our chef prepared everything in front of us.
12 PM: Imperial Palace, Don Quijote
We were planning to spend the afternoon exploring the Imperial Palace and Edo Castle Ruins, but it was hot and the palace was closed, so we walked to Taira no Masakado's Grave, then headed back to Asakusa for, you guessed it, Don Quijote. I did not intend for this trip to be “guess how many Don Quijotes I can visit” but here we are. We bought another suitcase and I filled it with food and gifts to bring home.
3 PM: Kappabashi Dougu
We walked Kappabashi Dougu and browsed kitchenwares while wishing we had a bigger kitchen, an unlimited budget and a way to get a hundred pounds of porcelain home in one piece.
6 PM: Akihabara dinner + games + drinks
We took the train to Akihabara, got dinner at Tsukada Nojo, then played games in a few arcades and ended the night at Game Bar A-button, which lets you play vintage handheld games while you drink.

Tuesday: Senso-ji, Flight

9 AM: Breakfast, Senso-ji
We got breakfast pancakes at Kohikan, then walked around Senso-ji and the surrounding shopping streets for a while.
12 PM: McDonald’s
Look, I couldn’t leave Japan without doing it, okay? I got the Teriyaki Chicken Burger (too sloppy and sweet) and bf got the Ebi Filet-O (he said it tasted exactly like a Filet-O-Fish). It was not great but I deserve that!
3 PM: Cab to the airport
I caught the flu on the flight home and have now been in bed for a week! Welcome back to America, baby.

I know quitting your job as a cook usually simply comes with two weeks notice or a ragequit walkout, but for eleven months I worked at a new franchise that had such potential which was being squandered by the incompetence of upper management. I present the nearly 6000 word thesis I turned in on my last day. Locations and names have been changed to cartoon references. Brackets represent ambiguous information in place of specific details.
Krusty Krab Careers Jobs
Opening in [Month/Year], Krusty Krab (KK) Bikini Bottom is on its 4th kitchen manager in less than a year. Krusty Krab O-Town has recently let go its inaugural kitchen manager and sous chef. Almost no member of the Bikini Bottom opening management team remains employed by KK. There is a pattern developing where one must question both the choice of employee and the directive given to new franchises. These lingering issues I brought concerns about in the first weeks of opening but was disregarded at every turn despite my experience with festival traffic. As a result I decided this was not a place I wanted to advance, but with a good-enough paycheck I’d be a lowly grunt in the kitchen four days a week, at five days a week I would have quit or been fired over a public outburst long ago. If Krusty Krab alters course slightly while being true to the brand this could be a successful chain.
My unique employment history in brick and mortar restaurants, food trucks, pop up culinary concepts, trade shows/conventions, and the film industry make me an ideal candidate to be on the opening team for new KK locations. My outgoing nature and foresight are valuable assets. For example, on training week before opening when I was standing around idly without a task I took it upon myself to organize the disarray that was dry storage. Overhearing Krabs tell another manager where he wanted the cleaning products placed, I had a jumping off point and the organization I created nine months ago is still largely in place. Since returning from my vacation in early February I have made it my mission to keep the storage area organized because it was again starting to resemble a hoarder’s house rather than a commercial kitchen. This is now part of my weekly routines because every time I turn my back there is more product being placed haphazardly just anywhere with little regard. I also recently reorganized the walk-in cooler because of problematic stocking with items being placed on the same shelf or below raw proteins. I also simply put all the like products together such as cheeses or fruits that were scattered amongst several shelves. With recent overordering I cannot keep up with the organization of the walk in cooler. The pattern recognition of food types and even simple shapes appears to be lost on the Bikini Bottom crew. My daily reorganization of containers is proof of this. Most days I’ll take a few minutes to put all cylinders together, all cambros together in descending volume, all deep and shallow pans next to each other rather than intermixed. My decision to be a kitchen manager at age 19 from 2005 thru 2008 and rarely enter restaurant management since is very calculated.
With my prior knowledge of professional kitchens I was becoming Bikini Bottom’s resident nag to coworkers as I made note of health department violations on a daily basis. I stopped after being largely ignored for two weeks. My regular health department nags include; a battle with jackets and hats being placed only in the designated area (a designated area that did not exist until I created a place for personal items a in January by neatly organizing the dry storage area again), waiting until prepped items are cooled before a cover is placed on top, placement of raw seafood, open containers (very often sugar, flour, and pancake mix bags ripped open and left), and dirty dishes/containers placed back in rotation. The dirty dishes and containers in rotation with the clean ones are at an atrociously high number. I have given up on making the 4th fryer seafood allergy safe too. With the low volume of seafood allergy safe items Bikini Bottom should purchase smaller baskets to visually discourage cross contamination with the other fryers and baskets. My skills to organize the kitchen do not end with simply where to store products to meet minimal health department standards.
Half of the space in the Bikini Bottom kitchen is completely wasted on an ill-advised walkway to the dishpit. An intelligent design would place a second doorway directly to the dishpit connected to the bar or where the bathrooms reside. Numerous times during the opening week of KK Bikini Bottom I said, yelled, sang, and muttered that we have too many food items for the amount of space we have. Icus stated that there was more space than Bluffington. Is Bluffington intelligently designed? Because Bikini Bottom most certainly isn’t. So Bikini Bottom actually has less space even if there is more square footage. See the attached diagram for an intelligent design that could potentially house a menu of this size. Bikini Bottom forces a line design on this kitchen when an open concept is needed for this menu. It’s as if this floorplan was created by a person who had only ever seen one commercial kitchen previously and couldn’t think 4th dimensionally to understand the needs of the workers to smoothly serve customers.
There is not enough counter space for pizzas without getting off the line, the microwave is placed completely out of the way, the freezer’s curved design is a waste of potential counter space and a falling hazard for containers stored on top of it, the toaster is an overcomplicated and overexpensive piece of machinery that serves exactly one purpose when a flat top could be used to toast bread and other purposes like a quesadilla special, sautee was designed without an overhang for spices, the pantry station lacks the counter space to have two containers of flour and two containers of batter for seafood allergies, there are no Frialator fryers which I have worked with at every single kitchen job previously instead we got the cheap Vulcan model (is that logical), the cheap low boy in pantry that doesn’t drain excess water anywhere it’s just supposed to evaporate somehow but doesn’t, the grill and fryer should be placed next to each other (with a higher volume of crossover than other stations), the floors are flat instead on having a mild decline towards the drains (just look at the standing water residing behind the oven right now), in the dishpit the spraying area and the filled sinks are backwards of a logical dipshit, the ramp to the back door is on the wrong side, there is no refrigerated place downstairs to stage extra food for busy shifts (the beer cooler is once again used for such food items because of this massive oversight), the prep station is an afterthought and miniscule, the dishes on the line are difficult to grab for anyone under 5’11” and inaccessible for anyone under 5’6” (instead of putting them underneath tables that also give that desperately needed counterspace I spoke of), there is not enough space to store to-go containers or boats behind the line, expo is lacking a low boy for the numerous items that are supposed to be cold but are instead kept at room temperature all day long, no one in management thought about buying shelves until right before Bikini Bottom opened as a result the clean full sheets sat on the floor for days, we had only the exact amount of 1⁄6 pans for an absurd amount of time making it impossible to rotate and clean them when necessary (which is daily), we still struggle with 1/9 pan supply. And just when I thought I documented all the poor design choices possible I stumbled upon a person whose office holiday party was booked at KK Bikini Bottom. The deck space works just fine as a deck. It does not double well as a gathering space. The space is too long and narrow for parties, it promotes little splitoff groups rather than a coming together of a larger gathering. It may be advantageous to contact a social psychologist for help designing a private party space that promotes intermingling rather than enforcing small pockets to form. The reorganization of the physical kitchen isn’t all that screams for an overhaul.
There are six positions on the line at the Krusty Krab; expo, oven, grill, sautee, fryer, and pantry. But the pantry and fryer positions are forced together like a bad remix. Everyone who mainly works pantry deserves a $6 raise immediately because it is a station and a half. Both Icus and Krumm, while kitchen manager, kind of acknowledged the pantry is too big for one station without outright mentioning the lopsided distribution of work. I imagine in the only location where this works, Bluffington, a second person joins the pantry at noon because of the unreasonable amount of items one person is tasked with. Bikini Bottom only has one person in this position at all times, maybe modify it for one person? The excess of items on the pantry position largely resembles a position I would call “set-up” or “build” at a previous job that made sensible choices. This build position should have tostadas, tacos, butcher’s blocks, toast, salads, lettuce wrap set ups, and preparing plating for whichever station is most bogged down. I have absolutely lost my mind yelling about salads at least once a month, ranting that they do not belong on the fryer position because of how illogical it is that five salads are included on the mountain of other items the pantry has. I have always considered working in a kitchen a kind of dance, and the pantry station demands an unnecessarily convoluted dance to keep up with the demand. Without the salads, tostadas, and tacos the station is already the busiest. Do we really need to combine ballet and swing by including these extra awkward dance steps in this single station? For a kitchen designed this poorly I suppose it is. Again, see attached document for an intelligently designed kitchen that might be able to accommodate this menu. Unless Bikini Bottom is going to close for a month to fix the baffling floor plan design the menu is shouting to be reduced to 30-36 items.
The menu is too big. Krusty Krab is the jack of all foods, master of none. In general I believe individual locations should be allowed 18% omissions, and 18% unique items to this wildly unwieldy menu sitting around 50 food items including sides. The insistence on keeping menu items that don’t sell at Bikini Bottom because of Bluffington is mind boggling. Chicken tenders do not sell at Bikini Bottom. fried sushi does not sell at Bikini Bottom, not enough to justify their place on the line. I don’t care how well these items work in Bluffinton. They. Do. Not. Work. At. Bikini. Bottom. If the KK location in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean sells an incredible amount of live krill does that mean Bikini Bottom and O-Town must sell live krill too? Take the fried sushi off the menu. I had a complete meltdown about this during a Dimmadome service and my valid point was met with indifference. Replace the kid’s tenders with a kid’s fish sticks. We already have the tilapia fish sticks on the line for tacos. Or make the kid’s fish sticks cod. We cut cod to order for fish tacos in spite of health code violations because it is too rare of an order to make beforehand. Saffron in mashed potatoes? If you must. Why are green tomatoes only on the menu during lunch? Bikini Bottom throws away a sizable amount of spoiled green tomatoes each week. Have green tomatoes on the menu all day long or don’t have them at all. The smoked salmon could go on salads or a special taco to justify its place on the line. The corn pico’s place on the line is unjustified. It only goes on one item, tostadas, which are not particularly popular. If we had a taco salad we could throw the corn pico on there. We also have unreasonable waste from unusable taco shells, smash up those imperfect taco shells and throw them on said taco salad. But before we add salads, let's get rid of the pear and kale salads. The pears' position on the line are unjustified, if we threw them on a taco variation maybe their place on the Bikini Bottom line could be argued but for now they only go on a salad that isn’t particularly popular. The kale salad is an issue of space for a 4th green for salads is too much. The krusty salad is my most hated house salad of all time. And it comes down to the toast with goat cheese. This ancillary step of spreading goat cheese on a cracker is an unnecessary step for an overly complicated dance and should be part of the expo dance if expo wasn’t a shoddily designed afterthought lacking a low boy.
There are a plethora of squeeze bottles on the pantry station that have no place on the overloaded station. They belong to an expo station with a low boy to keep them cold. Pantry has an overwhelming ten squeeze bottles: chipotle crema, sweet chili vinaigrette, buffalo, korean bbq, ranch, caesar, wine vinaigrette, lemon vinaigrette, honey mustard, and lemon aioli. Only the first four are justified on an intelligently designed fryer section, the second four belong on the build station, the last two have no place anywhere but expo. With this extra space sautee could keep their bottles and two purees cold in the fryer's lowboy instead of leaving them at room temperature all day inviting a pathogen party. This theorized intelligently designed expo would have room to keep these four squeeze bottles and a double of every sauce chilled to pour them into ramekins, a move that is highly common in the expo dance. The fact that expo doesn’t have a double of all squeeze bottles is foolish. Expo has to bother an overloaded station to pour these side sauces instead.
How many gallons of basil aioli has Bikini Bottom thrown away in 11 months? Four aiolis in general is way too many and most go on a single item; basil aioli on the incredibly unpopular veggie burger, lemon aioli for calamari, sweet chili aioli for the BLT that is only served half of the day, and garlic aioli actually goes on two items…I believe. What a colossal waste of precious little space, lose two aiolis and then you can sing the logical song with me. Perhaps we can put garlic aioli and sweet chili vinaigrette on the BLT separately and accomplish the exact same thing the sweet chili aioli does. The wings too have unneeded complications. Having worked at a sports bar specializing in wings for the better part of a decade I find KK’s plating of wings to be overly pretentious. The carrots, celery, and blue cheese have lost function. Heffer Wolf always said no one eats the carrot/celery julienne with blue cheese. It’s a complete waste of all the ingredients because you’ve gone too far with the presentation. Wings aren’t fancy. Wings are supposed to have a small pool of sauce and be sloppy. It’s like a sloppy joe that’s not sloppy, an unsloppy joe is a failure to sloppy joes just as the KK presentation of wings is a disparagement to the dish. Ever since training week back in 2022 I have used a scale to give Bikini Bottom a passing or failing grade.
Chokey Chicken to Chum Bucket is the scale I use to judge efficiency and sanity at Bikini Bottom. Both establishments are upscale casual dining experiences in Capitol City in the same vein as KK. Chokey had high employee retention and relatively smooth openings for new locations. Chum Bucket’s employee turnover was high and every location opening was chaotic. Which one sounds closer to KK? Chokey Chicken was filled with chefs I respect including Chef Ren Hoek who remains a close friend to this day. Ren lost his lifelong passion for kitchen work after working management at Chum Bucket. He’s actually seeking work in Bikini Bottom. Call him up at [phone number], but KK will give him Nam’ flashbacks of why he chose driving for a living rather than cooking for five years. The pair of us together helming Bikini Bottom with the ability to omit and create 18% of the overloaded menu can bring success to this franchise. We have worked well numerous times in the past on various concepts in the past including creating The Attack of the Pickled Tomatoes Burger for [Promotional live performance of a TV show] at the Capitol City Theater. We served 100 people in 60 at the [sitcom filming] lunch. That’s physically impossible but somehow we did it quite a few times.
A fun anecdote about Ren Hoek’s KK experience from the soft launch; on training week numerous times I brought concerns about being seafood allergy safe that were dismissed. As mentioned earlier the pantry station lacks the counter space to have two containers of flour and two containers of batter, one each of which seafood never touches. Before the soft launch Chef Stimpy from Bluffington insisted all customers just kind of know everything is prone to be seafood contaminated. Well, chef Ren was a customer that night and this absolutely was not communicated to customers. He claimed to have a slight seafood allergy and was not informed of what the crab soup was. In reality he does not have a seafood allergy. I didn’t discuss the seafood issue with Ren, separately we noticed egregious violations of food safety standards and we each responded in our own way. The soft launch service was so awful that night Chef Ren walked out of a free meal to pay for some ramen, never to return to Bikini Bottom. I attribute this oversight, and many of Bikini Bottom’s (and probably O-Town’s) problems to hubris over the Bluffington location.
Chef Chokey would also be hesitant to join the KK team. It will cost a finder’s fee just for me to reveal Chef Chokey’s name. Chef Chokey was a lead in the rapid expansion of Chokey Chicken restaurants. He opened numerous restaurants and was big on the philosophy that each restaurant must have its own personality in order to fit the unique local culture and the variety of working spaces. This is in direct conflict with the KK way that everything must be exactly like the Bluffington location no matter what. There was only one Chokey Chicken location that had the full menu, Chokey Springfield. Chokey Springfield had a large space which was intelligently designed to accommodate such a large menu. The KK menu is all over the place, closing in on 50 menu items which comes up as a failure on the Chokey Chicken/Chum Bucket scale. This is not the only area KK comes up as a major failure on the Chokey Chicken/Chum Bucket scale.
Has anyone in this company ever worked festival traffic before? Does anyone have the experience of working next to a major venue with 8000 seats before this one? The way Bikini Bottom handles Dimmadome services it certainly appears that the decision-makers fall on the wrong side of the Dunning-Kruger effect. Having all 50 items available during such massive traffic is completely asinine. An unwillingness to serve a partial menu is hindering the Bikini Bottom kitchen staff. I have worked festival traffic before, and Dimmadome events bring in festival traffic. I’ve worked inside a festival whose line never ended but every customer got their order in 5 minutes or less because the line kept flowing with only four items on the menu as that’s what was warranted at the B-Sharps Music Festival. I refuse to be set up for failure the way Bikini Bottom sets up Dimmadome services for failure. The entire week of concerts in [summer] 2022 I was set up for failure every day (it was after this I modified my availability to keep my sanity and my paycheck). When I brought my concerns about running efficiently during Dimmadome services I was labeled a B-worker for the first time in my employment history by Icus and Krabs. It is that moment which I was either going to holler at them both for being 2-dimensional thinkers who were obviously unqualified for the positions they accepted in this company, or just put my head down. If Bikini Bottom has a successful concert day service, hail your team because they snatched victory from the jaws of defeat. They swam with concrete shoes. I often wonder how many customers had bad experiences and never returned after concert days. A Dimmadome service should have no more than 25 items and have one or two specials to divert traffic towards an area the kitchen can keep moving. An Open Cup Open Plate (OCOP) special for foot traffic is absolutely needed. When I suggested OCOP special, Heffer was intrigued by this idea and immediately named burgers as the special to keep foot traffic flowing. Smithers wouldn’t hear this idea, babbling on about what’s advertised instead of hearing out a sound idea. This prattle despite radio commercials having inaccurate hours and social media promoting Bikini Bottom’s steak tacos to this day. I always found Smithers to be a better fit as a middle management office pencil pusher than as a hands-on restaurant manager. Overall I find KK managers are selected to be automatons not to question their orders rather than critical thinkers who could take the restaurant to the next level. During brunch service is another period of time that must be modified to lessen the heft of items. Having a full menu that barely works plus brunch is so deep into Chum Bucket territory, in my opinion we now have to use the Tropic Thunder scale of full [R-word censored by jobs] to describe a 60-plus-item brunch. Chef Ren hired back a Chum Bucket cook who had a mental breakdown and stormed out during brunch (plus full menu) service because Ren knew the employee was justified and upper management was completely unreasonable in their brunch requests. It’s not just questionable decisions that hinder KK staff but improper equipment as well.
This is the first restaurant I have worked at which uses a touch screen on the line rather than tickets. From day one I found this to be technology for technology’s sake inferior to tickets. Chef Ren forced a new Chum Bucket location to rip out touch screens from the line and bring in ticket printers because of the higher efficiency. The touch screen is a great idea for expo, not the entire line. My biggest gripe is that each station does not get all the information. Early on I was regularly yelled at for not staggering my items, well I can’t see the rest of the order; a problem I have never had with a ticket system. Touchscreen software is also much more prone to errors and glitches. When I reported an error during a heavy service Icus and Krabs blamed my skills on the line without looking into the malfunctioning screen further. It was glitchy for weeks before the two finally investigated and corrected the issue I brought to their attention long before. Those two gave me an immense amount of ammunition to dislike them in the opening weeks until I stopped caring. The issue I had with being unable to scroll beyond the bottom of a completely filled screen has returned and is still there as of [my last day]. There are also important details that get buried. A frequent meltdown I have is that sauce on side requests and other important modifications are not capitalized or in red to catch the eye as they have been at jobs with tickets. These details get lost on Bikini Bottom’s touchscreens. A sauce on side salad made by me will be wrong 50% of the time because of the instructions being camouflaged in a word salad. This goes for coleslaw on the side and drizzle on the side too. Drizzle in general I dislike because of the pretentiousness, but whatever, drizzle it on top rather than putting it in a ramekin if you must. There are numerous places where Bikini Bottom overcomplicates matters for reasons I cannot ascertain.
Why is there such a large variety of plates? Why do we have a medium circular plate for salads and a large bowl for salads with protein? This just confuses the simplest of matters. I was told this is done because of the high price hike with protein, a larger presentation was desired. But that price hike is the price of protein in 2023. Bikini Bottom should put all salads in the large bowls and use all the circular salad plates in a skeet shooting promotion. I understand why we have both a circular platter plate and a pizza plate but in my restaurant the circular platter plates must go...or maybe the large platter plate instead. Is the large platter used for anything besides fish and chips? That extra space on fish and chips plates are only used for side sauces which can easily be delivered to customers on small circular plates. What is the medium oval plate doing that the medium rectangular plate isn’t? And vice versa. Why do they both exist when they are approximately the same size? Let me write an internet commercial where we break a lot of plates so we can get some logical use out of the superfluous plates. I don’t care which one is destroyed, the ovals or the rectangles but one of them is an unnecessary redundancy in excess done again. Speaking of commercials, the unimaginative radio advertisements for Bikini Bottom are doing little to lure new customers to the restaurant.
The three radio spots I have heard on KBBL all sound like they were produced by a marketing 101 student who wasn’t a natural in the field. The voiceover actor was so uncharismatic I was certain someone from the office was chosen at random to read the copy. Then I heard that same voiceover actor selling pool supplies on another radio station so I concluded that Bikini Bottom must have hired the cheapest guy in town to produce the most basic of commercials. Perhaps there is someone else you could hire more qualified to voiceover these commercials, an actor with experience on an Emmy award winning cable program whose unique place in the film industry was written about on [website] would be a much wiser choice to be the voice of the KK? (See external link). In the ad there was no catchphrase, no jingle, no music whatsoever. This simple approach to commercials lacks the pizazz to catch the attention of radio listeners. The first two commercials I heard would get a C in marketing 101 as they were nearly the exact same and accomplished the bare minimum to sell wares, the third one would maybe get a B- because there was some sort of attempted gimmick with the voiceover whispering to represent thinking inside his head about what he was going to eat later at KK. Not only does this commercial give no reason for the man to think inside his head, the outside world still and unpopulated. To see what a creative person would do with this concept see the attached script. There is an attempted slogan that could become part of an ad campaign. Commercials aren’t the only lost opportunities in promotions.
There are numerous promotional celebrity tie-ins at Bikini Bottom’s fingertips with Dimmadome performers. The restaurant could have a Phish sandwich as a OCOP special on [Phish performance dates], or a pretentious Jelly Roll on [Jelly Roll performance date]. Has anyone reached out to the Dimmadome theater or talent management for approved special menu items to be promoted inside the dome? Perhaps a special 20% discount to ticket holders? Is Bikini Bottom capable of getting permits to extend Open Container hours beyond [cutoff time] for an afterparty or block party throughout a Dimmadome concert? I see additional marketing opportunities left on the table for all new locations.
I believe new KK locations are missing out on a marketing campaign by opening with the entire cumbersome 50 item menu. This is a staggering amount of menu items which is too much to ask new staffers to perfect all at once. After a few months expanding the menu by approximately ten items is catching to customers who haven’t returned after a single visit or infrequently stop into KK. There are ten new food items that might appeal to them. Just like it appears KK doesn’t know what it’s looking for in a good commercial spot, this company doesn’t appear to recognize a talented from an untalented worker until it’s too late.
It is my understanding that KK had a headhunter to find Icus, the first Bikini Bottom kitchen manager. If it were up to me I’d hire someone to break the legs of that headhunter for bringing in a subpar kitchen lead. We are still attempting to recover from the lousy choices she made in the floor plan. If anybody responsible for Bikini Bottom’s floor plan is still giving input, stop them immediately. Once the doors were open to the public Icus had his head in the clouds to a point where I questioned if he saw the writing on the walls of an imminent demotion and stopped trying as a result. I had a full deck of 3x5 cards in an archaic powerpoint presentation bringing numerous concerns to light that he kept putting off listening to until he was fired. Those same cards were broken out for this essay. The second kitchen manager, Krumm, is a good lesson in honesty. According to Heffer, Krumm was given a bill of goods about how smoothly KK Bikini Bottom was running. Since Krumm stepped into a latrine pit which he was led to believe was a heated pool, he left in short time. Krumm also had plans to modify the menu but when his bosses told him to be a rodeo clown rather than a cowboy Krumm didn’t take too kindly to that. Meanwhile Heffer was the savior of the Bikini Bottom kitchen. I didn’t agree with every single decision he made, but I did with a majority of them. Heffer’s overhaul was such a blessing so I didn’t have to fiddle with the organization of 60% of the equipment anymore, only about 20% now. Too bad Heffer’s crippling depression came back after bashing his head into the wall out of frustration with the shackles KK restrained him with.
The current management team is enthusiastic but inexperienced. I see an accumulation of small infractions that might bring down Bikini Bottom’s health department rating significantly. I see the entire management team being inattentive or unaware about organizational issues. Whatever bureaucratic nonsense corporate tasks everyone with from the original sous chef Skeeter to Patty Mayonnaise that makes them walk away from the line between 11am and 1pm especially is infuriating. I have never been left alone on a multi-person line during peak hours so regularly, and I won’t tolerate it anymore. As much as I believe in his drive, I imagine our current kitchen manager SpongeBob will be let go after a disastrous service during the Dimmadome concert season that someone has to take the fall for. Chef Ren and I could help bring experience in management and dealing with festival traffic...if corporate does not force us to follow a failing strategy.
After working nearly a year at KK you may ask why I’m not proficient on more than one station. Excellent question. First, when I move over to another station the squeeze bottles are never labeled (until Stu Pickles was hired, now they’re sometimes labeled), so I always looked at the glut of unlabeled sauces and I’d go back to my station because the basic information is missing (also a health department violation for having numerous unlabeled, unchilled bottles). In his first week the new general manager Stu Pickles pulled out 90% of the containers under the grill station because they were lacking labels despite an expected health department visit. The second reason for my menu ignorance is the mountain of prep for my own and upcoming shifts I have piled up on my station throughout service. My attention to detail appears to be next level with my ability to anticipate stocking all items for all shifts including the weeknd. The third reason I wouldn’t learn multiple stations is a defense against the afternoon conference calls. In [month] the Bikini Bottom line was unprepared for a busy post lunch because one cook was cut and our expo person was busy with a conference call. The two of us remaining on the line had a miserable slog through an unexpectedly busy afternoon. When I brought this up to Krabs he disregarded me, being a good bean counter he quoted the cost percentage. What he didn’t take into account was the missing expo person who could have jumped on the line and expo to help the understaffed two man team. That person was stuck on a conference call. Just recently I saw the company actively lose money because of this poorly thought-out meeting during business hours. A customer wanted to order a dessert that was 86ed but had been restocked by our prep cook an hour before. The server was unable to sell them their dessert because the only person in the building who could help un-86 an item was on a conference call. This conference call calamity is another bone-headed choice that speaks to a larger decision-making problem within the corporate structure. Finish the conference calls by 10:45 am eastern.
In conclusion, I quit my position as a lowly grunt for this company because of its unwarranted perplexing dance steps and below average management. I don’t care how much varnish and lacquer is supplied, I refuse to polish this Bikini Bottom turd as a manager or full-time employee under the current circumstances. You would have to take a pickaxe to the floor, possibly relocate the bathrooms to add a door to the dishpit, get rid of the cheap low boy that doesn’t properly drain excess water, and Mr Gorbachov knock down that wall in the middle of the kitchen to give the proper amount of space to work. Or simply reduce the menu to 36 items (including sides) because that’s the amount of space this dreadful design can comfortably output. Would Gordon Ramsay compliment KK for all the unnecessary convoluted complications abound, or would Chef Ramsay yell about keeping it simple and demand KK chuck it in the flip? Thanks to the numerous pop up restaurants I have been a part of and the hectic world of trade shows/conventions, I may have more experience than anyone else employed by KK in smoothly opening a new location. I would enjoy being part of the opening team to ensure new locations have an efficiency Bikini Bottom lacks, and to keep upper management away from their worst instincts. Work with me and Chef Ren and we will help you become a well oiled machine like Chokey Chicken instead of the Chum Bucket cesspit Bikini Bottom currently embodies.

I know quitting your job as a cook usually simply comes with two weeks notice or a ragequit walkout, but for eleven months I worked at a new franchise that had such potential which was being squandered by the incompetence of upper management. I present the nearly 6000 word thesis I turned in on my last day. Locations and names have been changed to cartoon references. Brackets represent ambiguous information in place of specific details.
Krusty Krab Careers Jobs
Opening in [Month/Year], Krusty Krab (KK) Bikini Bottom is on its 4th kitchen manager in less than a year. Krusty Krab O-Town has recently let go its inaugural kitchen manager and sous chef. Almost no member of the Bikini Bottom opening management team remains employed by KK. There is a pattern developing where one must question both the choice of employee and the directive given to new franchises. These lingering issues I brought concerns about in the first weeks of opening but was disregarded at every turn despite my experience with festival traffic. As a result I decided this was not a place I wanted to advance, but with a good-enough paycheck I’d be a lowly grunt in the kitchen four days a week, at five days a week I would have quit or been fired over a public outburst long ago. If Krusty Krab alters course slightly while being true to the brand this could be a successful chain.
My unique employment history in brick and mortar restaurants, food trucks, pop up culinary concepts, trade shows/conventions, and the film industry make me an ideal candidate to be on the opening team for new KK locations. My outgoing nature and foresight are valuable assets. For example, on training week before opening when I was standing around idly without a task I took it upon myself to organize the disarray that was dry storage. Overhearing Krabs tell another manager where he wanted the cleaning products placed, I had a jumping off point and the organization I created nine months ago is still largely in place. Since returning from my vacation in early February I have made it my mission to keep the storage area organized because it was again starting to resemble a hoarder’s house rather than a commercial kitchen. This is now part of my weekly routines because every time I turn my back there is more product being placed haphazardly just anywhere with little regard. I also recently reorganized the walk-in cooler because of problematic stocking with items being placed on the same shelf or below raw proteins. I also simply put all the like products together such as cheeses or fruits that were scattered amongst several shelves. With recent overordering I cannot keep up with the organization of the walk in cooler. The pattern recognition of food types and even simple shapes appears to be lost on the Bikini Bottom crew. My daily reorganization of containers is proof of this. Most days I’ll take a few minutes to put all cylinders together, all cambros together in descending volume, all deep and shallow pans next to each other rather than intermixed. My decision to be a kitchen manager at age 19 from 2005 thru 2008 and rarely enter restaurant management since is very calculated.
With my prior knowledge of professional kitchens I was becoming Bikini Bottom’s resident nag to coworkers as I made note of health department violations on a daily basis. I stopped after being largely ignored for two weeks. My regular health department nags include; a battle with jackets and hats being placed only in the designated area (a designated area that did not exist until I created a place for personal items a in January by neatly organizing the dry storage area again), waiting until prepped items are cooled before a cover is placed on top, placement of raw seafood, open containers (very often sugar, flour, and pancake mix bags ripped open and left), and dirty dishes/containers placed back in rotation. The dirty dishes and containers in rotation with the clean ones are at an atrociously high number. I have given up on making the 4th fryer seafood allergy safe too. With the low volume of seafood allergy safe items Bikini Bottom should purchase smaller baskets to visually discourage cross contamination with the other fryers and baskets. My skills to organize the kitchen do not end with simply where to store products to meet minimal health department standards.
Half of the space in the Bikini Bottom kitchen is completely wasted on an ill-advised walkway to the dishpit. An intelligent design would place a second doorway directly to the dishpit connected to the bar or where the bathrooms reside. Numerous times during the opening week of KK Bikini Bottom I said, yelled, sang, and muttered that we have too many food items for the amount of space we have. Icus stated that there was more space than Bluffington. Is Bluffington intelligently designed? Because Bikini Bottom most certainly isn’t. So Bikini Bottom actually has less space even if there is more square footage. See the attached diagram for an intelligent design that could potentially house a menu of this size. Bikini Bottom forces a line design on this kitchen when an open concept is needed for this menu. It’s as if this floorplan was created by a person who had only ever seen one commercial kitchen previously and couldn’t think 4th dimensionally to understand the needs of the workers to smoothly serve customers.
There is not enough counter space for pizzas without getting off the line, the microwave is placed completely out of the way, the freezer’s curved design is a waste of potential counter space and a falling hazard for containers stored on top of it, the toaster is an overcomplicated and overexpensive piece of machinery that serves exactly one purpose when a flat top could be used to toast bread and other purposes like a quesadilla special, sautee was designed without an overhang for spices, the pantry station lacks the counter space to have two containers of flour and two containers of batter for seafood allergies, there are no Frialator fryers which I have worked with at every single kitchen job previously instead we got the cheap Vulcan model (is that logical), the cheap low boy in pantry that doesn’t drain excess water anywhere it’s just supposed to evaporate somehow but doesn’t, the grill and fryer should be placed next to each other (with a higher volume of crossover than other stations), the floors are flat instead on having a mild decline towards the drains (just look at the standing water residing behind the oven right now), in the dishpit the spraying area and the filled sinks are backwards of a logical dipshit, the ramp to the back door is on the wrong side, there is no refrigerated place downstairs to stage extra food for busy shifts (the beer cooler is once again used for such food items because of this massive oversight), the prep station is an afterthought and miniscule, the dishes on the line are difficult to grab for anyone under 5’11” and inaccessible for anyone under 5’6” (instead of putting them underneath tables that also give that desperately needed counterspace I spoke of), there is not enough space to store to-go containers or boats behind the line, expo is lacking a low boy for the numerous items that are supposed to be cold but are instead kept at room temperature all day long, no one in management thought about buying shelves until right before Bikini Bottom opened as a result the clean full sheets sat on the floor for days, we had only the exact amount of 1⁄6 pans for an absurd amount of time making it impossible to rotate and clean them when necessary (which is daily), we still struggle with 1/9 pan supply. And just when I thought I documented all the poor design choices possible I stumbled upon a person whose office holiday party was booked at KK Bikini Bottom. The deck space works just fine as a deck. It does not double well as a gathering space. The space is too long and narrow for parties, it promotes little splitoff groups rather than a coming together of a larger gathering. It may be advantageous to contact a social psychologist for help designing a private party space that promotes intermingling rather than enforcing small pockets to form. The reorganization of the physical kitchen isn’t all that screams for an overhaul.
There are six positions on the line at the Krusty Krab; expo, oven, grill, sautee, fryer, and pantry. But the pantry and fryer positions are forced together like a bad remix. Everyone who mainly works pantry deserves a $6 raise immediately because it is a station and a half. Both Icus and Krumm, while kitchen manager, kind of acknowledged the pantry is too big for one station without outright mentioning the lopsided distribution of work. I imagine in the only location where this works, Bluffington, a second person joins the pantry at noon because of the unreasonable amount of items one person is tasked with. Bikini Bottom only has one person in this position at all times, maybe modify it for one person? The excess of items on the pantry position largely resembles a position I would call “set-up” or “build” at a previous job that made sensible choices. This build position should have tostadas, tacos, butcher’s blocks, toast, salads, lettuce wrap set ups, and preparing plating for whichever station is most bogged down. I have absolutely lost my mind yelling about salads at least once a month, ranting that they do not belong on the fryer position because of how illogical it is that five salads are included on the mountain of other items the pantry has. I have always considered working in a kitchen a kind of dance, and the pantry station demands an unnecessarily convoluted dance to keep up with the demand. Without the salads, tostadas, and tacos the station is already the busiest. Do we really need to combine ballet and swing by including these extra awkward dance steps in this single station? For a kitchen designed this poorly I suppose it is. Again, see attached document for an intelligently designed kitchen that might be able to accommodate this menu. Unless Bikini Bottom is going to close for a month to fix the baffling floor plan design the menu is shouting to be reduced to 30-36 items.
The menu is too big. Krusty Krab is the jack of all foods, master of none. In general I believe individual locations should be allowed 18% omissions, and 18% unique items to this wildly unwieldy menu sitting around 50 food items including sides. The insistence on keeping menu items that don’t sell at Bikini Bottom because of Bluffington is mind boggling. Chicken tenders do not sell at Bikini Bottom. fried sushi does not sell at Bikini Bottom, not enough to justify their place on the line. I don’t care how well these items work in Bluffinton. They. Do. Not. Work. At. Bikini. Bottom. If the KK location in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean sells an incredible amount of live krill does that mean Bikini Bottom and O-Town must sell live krill too? Take the fried sushi off the menu. I had a complete meltdown about this during a Dimmadome service and my valid point was met with indifference. Replace the kid’s tenders with a kid’s fish sticks. We already have the tilapia fish sticks on the line for tacos. Or make the kid’s fish sticks cod. We cut cod to order for fish tacos in spite of health code violations because it is too rare of an order to make beforehand. Saffron in mashed potatoes? If you must. Why are green tomatoes only on the menu during lunch? Bikini Bottom throws away a sizable amount of spoiled green tomatoes each week. Have green tomatoes on the menu all day long or don’t have them at all. The smoked salmon could go on salads or a special taco to justify its place on the line. The corn pico’s place on the line is unjustified. It only goes on one item, tostadas, which are not particularly popular. If we had a taco salad we could throw the corn pico on there. We also have unreasonable waste from unusable taco shells, smash up those imperfect taco shells and throw them on said taco salad. But before we add salads, let's get rid of the pear and kale salads. The pears' position on the line are unjustified, if we threw them on a taco variation maybe their place on the Bikini Bottom line could be argued but for now they only go on a salad that isn’t particularly popular. The kale salad is an issue of space for a 4th green for salads is too much. The krusty salad is my most hated house salad of all time. And it comes down to the toast with goat cheese. This ancillary step of spreading goat cheese on a cracker is an unnecessary step for an overly complicated dance and should be part of the expo dance if expo wasn’t a shoddily designed afterthought lacking a low boy.
There are a plethora of squeeze bottles on the pantry station that have no place on the overloaded station. They belong to an expo station with a low boy to keep them cold. Pantry has an overwhelming ten squeeze bottles: chipotle crema, sweet chili vinaigrette, buffalo, korean bbq, ranch, caesar, wine vinaigrette, lemon vinaigrette, honey mustard, and lemon aioli. Only the first four are justified on an intelligently designed fryer section, the second four belong on the build station, the last two have no place anywhere but expo. With this extra space sautee could keep their bottles and two purees cold in the fryer's lowboy instead of leaving them at room temperature all day inviting a pathogen party. This theorized intelligently designed expo would have room to keep these four squeeze bottles and a double of every sauce chilled to pour them into ramekins, a move that is highly common in the expo dance. The fact that expo doesn’t have a double of all squeeze bottles is foolish. Expo has to bother an overloaded station to pour these side sauces instead.
How many gallons of basil aioli has Bikini Bottom thrown away in 11 months? Four aiolis in general is way too many and most go on a single item; basil aioli on the incredibly unpopular veggie burger, lemon aioli for calamari, sweet chili aioli for the BLT that is only served half of the day, and garlic aioli actually goes on two items…I believe. What a colossal waste of precious little space, lose two aiolis and then you can sing the logical song with me. Perhaps we can put garlic aioli and sweet chili vinaigrette on the BLT separately and accomplish the exact same thing the sweet chili aioli does. The wings too have unneeded complications. Having worked at a sports bar specializing in wings for the better part of a decade I find KK’s plating of wings to be overly pretentious. The carrots, celery, and blue cheese have lost function. Heffer Wolf always said no one eats the carrot/celery julienne with blue cheese. It’s a complete waste of all the ingredients because you’ve gone too far with the presentation. Wings aren’t fancy. Wings are supposed to have a small pool of sauce and be sloppy. It’s like a sloppy joe that’s not sloppy, an unsloppy joe is a failure to sloppy joes just as the KK presentation of wings is a disparagement to the dish. Ever since training week back in 2022 I have used a scale to give Bikini Bottom a passing or failing grade.
Chokey Chicken to Chum Bucket is the scale I use to judge efficiency and sanity at Bikini Bottom. Both establishments are upscale casual dining experiences in Capitol City in the same vein as KK. Chokey had high employee retention and relatively smooth openings for new locations. Chum Bucket’s employee turnover was high and every location opening was chaotic. Which one sounds closer to KK? Chokey Chicken was filled with chefs I respect including Chef Ren Hoek who remains a close friend to this day. Ren lost his lifelong passion for kitchen work after working management at Chum Bucket. He’s actually seeking work in Bikini Bottom. Call him up at [phone number], but KK will give him Nam’ flashbacks of why he chose driving for a living rather than cooking for five years. The pair of us together helming Bikini Bottom with the ability to omit and create 18% of the overloaded menu can bring success to this franchise. We have worked well numerous times in the past on various concepts in the past including creating The Attack of the Pickled Tomatoes Burger for [Promotional live performance of a TV show] at the Capitol City Theater. We served 100 people in 60 at the [sitcom filming] lunch. That’s physically impossible but somehow we did it quite a few times.
A fun anecdote about Ren Hoek’s KK experience from the soft launch; on training week numerous times I brought concerns about being seafood allergy safe that were dismissed. As mentioned earlier the pantry station lacks the counter space to have two containers of flour and two containers of batter, one each of which seafood never touches. Before the soft launch Chef Stimpy from Bluffington insisted all customers just kind of know everything is prone to be seafood contaminated. Well, chef Ren was a customer that night and this absolutely was not communicated to customers. He claimed to have a slight seafood allergy and was not informed of what the crab soup was. In reality he does not have a seafood allergy. I didn’t discuss the seafood issue with Ren, separately we noticed egregious violations of food safety standards and we each responded in our own way. The soft launch service was so awful that night Chef Ren walked out of a free meal to pay for some ramen, never to return to Bikini Bottom. I attribute this oversight, and many of Bikini Bottom’s (and probably O-Town’s) problems to hubris over the Bluffington location.
Chef Chokey would also be hesitant to join the KK team. It will cost a finder’s fee just for me to reveal Chef Chokey’s name. Chef Chokey was a lead in the rapid expansion of Chokey Chicken restaurants. He opened numerous restaurants and was big on the philosophy that each restaurant must have its own personality in order to fit the unique local culture and the variety of working spaces. This is in direct conflict with the KK way that everything must be exactly like the Bluffington location no matter what. There was only one Chokey Chicken location that had the full menu, Chokey Springfield. Chokey Springfield had a large space which was intelligently designed to accommodate such a large menu. The KK menu is all over the place, closing in on 50 menu items which comes up as a failure on the Chokey Chicken/Chum Bucket scale. This is not the only area KK comes up as a major failure on the Chokey Chicken/Chum Bucket scale.
Has anyone in this company ever worked festival traffic before? Does anyone have the experience of working next to a major venue with 8000 seats before this one? The way Bikini Bottom handles Dimmadome services it certainly appears that the decision-makers fall on the wrong side of the Dunning-Kruger effect. Having all 50 items available during such massive traffic is completely asinine. An unwillingness to serve a partial menu is hindering the Bikini Bottom kitchen staff. I have worked festival traffic before, and Dimmadome events bring in festival traffic. I’ve worked inside a festival whose line never ended but every customer got their order in 5 minutes or less because the line kept flowing with only four items on the menu as that’s what was warranted at the B-Sharps Music Festival. I refuse to be set up for failure the way Bikini Bottom sets up Dimmadome services for failure. The entire week of concerts in [summer] 2022 I was set up for failure every day (it was after this I modified my availability to keep my sanity and my paycheck). When I brought my concerns about running efficiently during Dimmadome services I was labeled a B-worker for the first time in my employment history by Icus and Krabs. It is that moment which I was either going to holler at them both for being 2-dimensional thinkers who were obviously unqualified for the positions they accepted in this company, or just put my head down. If Bikini Bottom has a successful concert day service, hail your team because they snatched victory from the jaws of defeat. They swam with concrete shoes. I often wonder how many customers had bad experiences and never returned after concert days. A Dimmadome service should have no more than 25 items and have one or two specials to divert traffic towards an area the kitchen can keep moving. An Open Cup Open Plate (OCOP) special for foot traffic is absolutely needed. When I suggested OCOP special, Heffer was intrigued by this idea and immediately named burgers as the special to keep foot traffic flowing. Smithers wouldn’t hear this idea, babbling on about what’s advertised instead of hearing out a sound idea. This prattle despite radio commercials having inaccurate hours and social media promoting Bikini Bottom’s steak tacos to this day. I always found Smithers to be a better fit as a middle management office pencil pusher than as a hands-on restaurant manager. Overall I find KK managers are selected to be automatons not to question their orders rather than critical thinkers who could take the restaurant to the next level. During brunch service is another period of time that must be modified to lessen the heft of items. Having a full menu that barely works plus brunch is so deep into Chum Bucket territory, in my opinion we now have to use the Tropic Thunder scale of full retard to describe a 60-plus-item brunch. Chef Ren hired back a Chum Bucket cook who had a mental breakdown and stormed out during brunch (plus full menu) service because Ren knew the employee was justified and upper management was completely unreasonable in their brunch requests. It’s not just questionable decisions that hinder KK staff but improper equipment as well.
This is the first restaurant I have worked at which uses a touch screen on the line rather than tickets. From day one I found this to be technology for technology’s sake inferior to tickets. Chef Ren forced a new Chum Bucket location to rip out touch screens from the line and bring in ticket printers because of the higher efficiency. The touch screen is a great idea for expo, not the entire line. My biggest gripe is that each station does not get all the information. Early on I was regularly yelled at for not staggering my items, well I can’t see the rest of the order; a problem I have never had with a ticket system. Touchscreen software is also much more prone to errors and glitches. When I reported an error during a heavy service Icus and Krabs blamed my skills on the line without looking into the malfunctioning screen further. It was glitchy for weeks before the two finally investigated and corrected the issue I brought to their attention long before. Those two gave me an immense amount of ammunition to dislike them in the opening weeks until I stopped caring. The issue I had with being unable to scroll beyond the bottom of a completely filled screen has returned and is still there as of [my last day]. There are also important details that get buried. A frequent meltdown I have is that sauce on side requests and other important modifications are not capitalized or in red to catch the eye as they have been at jobs with tickets. These details get lost on Bikini Bottom’s touchscreens. A sauce on side salad made by me will be wrong 50% of the time because of the instructions being camouflaged in a word salad. This goes for coleslaw on the side and drizzle on the side too. Drizzle in general I dislike because of the pretentiousness, but whatever, drizzle it on top rather than putting it in a ramekin if you must. There are numerous places where Bikini Bottom overcomplicates matters for reasons I cannot ascertain.
Why is there such a large variety of plates? Why do we have a medium circular plate for salads and a large bowl for salads with protein? This just confuses the simplest of matters. I was told this is done because of the high price hike with protein, a larger presentation was desired. But that price hike is the price of protein in 2023. Bikini Bottom should put all salads in the large bowls and use all the circular salad plates in a skeet shooting promotion. I understand why we have both a circular platter plate and a pizza plate but in my restaurant the circular platter plates must go...or maybe the large platter plate instead. Is the large platter used for anything besides fish and chips? That extra space on fish and chips plates are only used for side sauces which can easily be delivered to customers on small circular plates. What is the medium oval plate doing that the medium rectangular plate isn’t? And vice versa. Why do they both exist when they are approximately the same size? Let me write an internet commercial where we break a lot of plates so we can get some logical use out of the superfluous plates. I don’t care which one is destroyed, the ovals or the rectangles but one of them is an unnecessary redundancy in excess done again. Speaking of commercials, the unimaginative radio advertisements for Bikini Bottom are doing little to lure new customers to the restaurant.
The three radio spots I have heard on KBBL all sound like they were produced by a marketing 101 student who wasn’t a natural in the field. The voiceover actor was so uncharismatic I was certain someone from the office was chosen at random to read the copy. Then I heard that same voiceover actor selling pool supplies on another radio station so I concluded that Bikini Bottom must have hired the cheapest guy in town to produce the most basic of commercials. Perhaps there is someone else you could hire more qualified to voiceover these commercials, an actor with experience on an Emmy award winning cable program whose unique place in the film industry was written about on [website] would be a much wiser choice to be the voice of the KK? (See external link). In the ad there was no catchphrase, no jingle, no music whatsoever. This simple approach to commercials lacks the pizazz to catch the attention of radio listeners. The first two commercials I heard would get a C in marketing 101 as they were nearly the exact same and accomplished the bare minimum to sell wares, the third one would maybe get a B- because there was some sort of attempted gimmick with the voiceover whispering to represent thinking inside his head about what he was going to eat later at KK. Not only does this commercial give no reason for the man to think inside his head, the outside world still and unpopulated. To see what a creative person would do with this concept see the attached script. There is an attempted slogan that could become part of an ad campaign. Commercials aren’t the only lost opportunities in promotions.
There are numerous promotional celebrity tie-ins at Bikini Bottom’s fingertips with Dimmadome performers. The restaurant could have a Phish sandwich as a OCOP special on [Phish performance dates], or a pretentious Jelly Roll on [Jelly Roll performance date]. Has anyone reached out to the Dimmadome theater or talent management for approved special menu items to be promoted inside the dome? Perhaps a special 20% discount to ticket holders? Is Bikini Bottom capable of getting permits to extend Open Container hours beyond [cutoff time] for an afterparty or block party throughout a Dimmadome concert? I see additional marketing opportunities left on the table for all new locations.
I believe new KK locations are missing out on a marketing campaign by opening with the entire cumbersome 50 item menu. This is a staggering amount of menu items which is too much to ask new staffers to perfect all at once. After a few months expanding the menu by approximately ten items is catching to customers who haven’t returned after a single visit or infrequently stop into KK. There are ten new food items that might appeal to them. Just like it appears KK doesn’t know what it’s looking for in a good commercial spot, this company doesn’t appear to recognize a talented from an untalented worker until it’s too late.
It is my understanding that KK had a headhunter to find Icus, the first Bikini Bottom kitchen manager. If it were up to me I’d hire someone to break the legs of that headhunter for bringing in a subpar kitchen lead. We are still attempting to recover from the lousy choices she made in the floor plan. If anybody responsible for Bikini Bottom’s floor plan is still giving input, stop them immediately. Once the doors were open to the public Icus had his head in the clouds to a point where I questioned if he saw the writing on the walls of an imminent demotion and stopped trying as a result. I had a full deck of 3x5 cards in an archaic powerpoint presentation bringing numerous concerns to light that he kept putting off listening to until he was fired. Those same cards were broken out for this essay. The second kitchen manager, Krumm, is a good lesson in honesty. According to Heffer, Krumm was given a bill of goods about how smoothly KK Bikini Bottom was running. Since Krumm stepped into a latrine pit which he was led to believe was a heated pool, he left in short time. Krumm also had plans to modify the menu but when his bosses told him to be a rodeo clown rather than a cowboy Krumm didn’t take too kindly to that. Meanwhile Heffer was the savior of the Bikini Bottom kitchen. I didn’t agree with every single decision he made, but I did with a majority of them. Heffer’s overhaul was such a blessing so I didn’t have to fiddle with the organization of 60% of the equipment anymore, only about 20% now. Too bad Heffer’s crippling depression came back after bashing his head into the wall out of frustration with the shackles KK restrained him with.
The current management team is enthusiastic but inexperienced. I see an accumulation of small infractions that might bring down Bikini Bottom’s health department rating significantly. I see the entire management team being inattentive or unaware about organizational issues. Whatever bureaucratic nonsense corporate tasks everyone with from the original sous chef Skeeter to Patty Mayonnaise that makes them walk away from the line between 11am and 1pm especially is infuriating. I have never been left alone on a multi-person line during peak hours so regularly, and I won’t tolerate it anymore. As much as I believe in his drive, I imagine our current kitchen manager SpongeBob will be let go after a disastrous service during the Dimmadome concert season that someone has to take the fall for. Chef Ren and I could help bring experience in management and dealing with festival traffic...if corporate does not force us to follow a failing strategy.
After working nearly a year at KK you may ask why I’m not proficient on more than one station. Excellent question. First, when I move over to another station the squeeze bottles are never labeled (until Stu Pickles was hired, now they’re sometimes labeled), so I always looked at the glut of unlabeled sauces and I’d go back to my station because the basic information is missing (also a health department violation for having numerous unlabeled, unchilled bottles). In his first week the new general manager Stu Pickles pulled out 90% of the containers under the grill station because they were lacking labels despite an expected health department visit. The second reason for my menu ignorance is the mountain of prep for my own and upcoming shifts I have piled up on my station throughout service. My attention to detail appears to be next level with my ability to anticipate stocking all items for all shifts including the weeknd. The third reason I wouldn’t learn multiple stations is a defense against the afternoon conference calls. In [month] the Bikini Bottom line was unprepared for a busy post lunch because one cook was cut and our expo person was busy with a conference call. The two of us remaining on the line had a miserable slog through an unexpectedly busy afternoon. When I brought this up to Krabs he disregarded me, being a good bean counter he quoted the cost percentage. What he didn’t take into account was the missing expo person who could have jumped on the line and expo to help the understaffed two man team. That person was stuck on a conference call. Just recently I saw the company actively lose money because of this poorly thought-out meeting during business hours. A customer wanted to order a dessert that was 86ed but had been restocked by our prep cook an hour before. The server was unable to sell them their dessert because the only person in the building who could help un-86 an item was on a conference call. This conference call calamity is another bone-headed choice that speaks to a larger decision-making problem within the corporate structure. Finish the conference calls by 10:45 am eastern.
In conclusion, I quit my position as a lowly grunt for this company because of its unwarranted perplexing dance steps and below average management. I don’t care how much varnish and lacquer is supplied, I refuse to polish this Bikini Bottom turd as a manager or full-time employee under the current circumstances. You would have to take a pickaxe to the floor, possibly relocate the bathrooms to add a door to the dishpit, get rid of the cheap low boy that doesn’t properly drain excess water, and Mr Gorbachov knock down that wall in the middle of the kitchen to give the proper amount of space to work. Or simply reduce the menu to 36 items (including sides) because that’s the amount of space this dreadful design can comfortably output. Would Gordon Ramsay compliment KK for all the unnecessary convoluted complications abound, or would Chef Ramsay yell about keeping it simple and demand KK chuck it in the flip? Thanks to the numerous pop up restaurants I have been a part of and the hectic world of trade shows/conventions, I may have more experience than anyone else employed by KK in smoothly opening a new location. I would enjoy being part of the opening team to ensure new locations have an efficiency Bikini Bottom lacks, and to keep upper management away from their worst instincts. Work with me and Chef Ren and we will help you become a well oiled machine like Chokey Chicken instead of the Chum Bucket cesspit Bikini Bottom currently embodies.