Babysitter jobs

I have been with my NF for almost 9 years. The kids are 9,7 and 3. I started with them at $15 an hour which felt fair. I had prior years of babysitting experience but not nannying, I was only 19 and we lived in a different state. Fast forward to now it’s been 9+ years, we have moved states to be in a high income part of a major US city (think New York Upper East Side). I have received some raises here and there, and I get a decent bonus on my birthday and holidays. HOWEVER I am still making >$23 an hour. I feel like it is almost to late to speak up because now the older kids are in school and the younger one goes 1/2 days so they are not going to be wanting to pay more when I have one child for most of the day? I feel so burnt out because I have been picking up jobs here and there to compensate so I can pay rent and still save and live comfortably and I know that if they paid me what I am worth that would not be such an issue. Here are some things to note
-I am responsible for all kids things, laundry, switching out clothes and toys, organizing bedrooms and playrooms, prepping meals, dishes, driving around, sick care, overnight care, coronating with schools, discipline…. I do it all.
-we have a contract, I am paid over the table, PTO, sick days, 40 guaranteed hours a week, though MB tends to overlap them (I might work 35 hours one week and then 45 the next with no change to pay)
-with the summer coming up I will have all 3 kids full time 8:30-6:00 - 5 days a week
-I have at least 5 weeks (Monday-Friday) that I am traveling solo with the kids so 24/7 care. I do coordinate this with another nanny and we take the kids for fun but also… that’s a lot of time to be working even if I did offer.
-MB and I do communicate well, we have never had an issue in 9 years that we could not talk out and figure out together.
Part of me is doubting that it’s worth asking for ($25?) an hour while I am doing less work then other years because there is only one child home. I wonder if I should not do guaranteed hours because it would free me up to have another job in the morning and not have to come in if the kids are sick or school is canceled?
I know the quick answer is probably that I should just move on and find another family but I love this family, I love these kids and I know their care suffers when I am not there. They have never had another babysitter or nanny it’s always been just me and we are very bonded.

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Memory transcript subject: Chris, Human Student Date: [standardized human time] October 31st, 2136
The opening credits were done and the movie showed the pov of a child. The child then went to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
“What’s the child going to do with a knife?” I stared over at Aioni who was staring at the screen.
The child then went up the stairs to his sisters room and attacked stabbing her.
“OH JEEZ” Aioni blocked her eyes so I picked her up and put her on my lap while hugging her.
“It’s alright” I pet her head and her ears.
The child than walked outside where the parents arrived and the camera zoomed out to show the child in a clown costume holding the knife.
We are than introduced to Dr Loomis. He and a nurse I think, are traveling to the sanitarium where they see a bunch of the patients are loose. He goes to unlock the gate while the nurse stays in the car.
Michael than jumps onto the car and attacks the nurse but she escapes and he takes the car.
The movie than goes to a small town and we meet Laurie Strode who is a babysitter.
“Hey Mr hat?” I looked down at Aioni who was sitting in my lap.
“Yeah?”
“What’s a babysitter?”
“It’s someone who watches your kids while your out eating dinner or doing something else”
“Wait that’s an actual job that humans have, why would you leave your child with someone else?”
“Sometimes you just want a break from the child and just need to relax” she than nodded and went back to watching the movie.
Laurie than meets up with child she is babysitting that day Tommy, she than heads to the old Myers house to put the key under the mat.
We then have a pov staring from the window looking at Laurie.
“That is creepy” I nodded.
It then went to a school where Laurie is studying when she looks out at the window to see a sheriff’s car. She then looks away for a second but when she looks back it’s gone.
“How did he disappear so quickly?” I gently scratched Aioni’s head.
“He’s just like that”
The school day then ended and we see Tommy being bullied by some other students. They then trip him and break his pumpkin.
“That’s so mean” Aioni watched the screen.
One of the kids were running and was stopped by Michael so he didn’t bump into him. The piano music started to play as Michael stalked Tommy.
Aioni held her breath. Chat was going wild.
Dr Loomis than arrived at the town and found Judith Myers grave was gone.
Laurie and one of her friends were driving when they got to a costume store in the town where her friends dad the sheriff was conducting an investigation. The girls soon left and then Dr Loomis arrived to warn the sheriff of what’s happening.
Night soon arrived and the girls head to each house to babysit the kids. Tommy and Laurie carve some pumpkins.
Dr Loomis and the sheriff arrive at the old Myers house and Loomis explains Michaels case And how he soon realized that Michael was pure evil and should be locked up forever.
“Don’t you think it’s a bit wrong to assume that?” I looked down at Aioni.
“Yeah I guess but I mean Michael is like a genuine evil” she then nodded and I looked at the chat.
Krakman6: isn’t Michaels condition normal for humans.
Alright that pissed me off.
Soon Laurie’s friend sent over the kid she was babysitting to her so she could invite her boyfriend over.
Laurie’s friend than heads to the car to go pick them up but than Michael attacks.
“OH MY LORD!” Aioni was panicking so I held her closer to calm her down.
Chat was going crazy at this. There were so many different messages. Some were happy at a human being killed, some were sad and others were afraid.
Soon the couple arrived at the house and head to the bedroom for fun time.
“I’m just gonna skip this” I skipped the fun time part.
The boyfriend then heads down to the kitchen to get something to eat but is attacked by Michael and is pinned to the wall with a knife.
Soon Michael attacked the girl as she was on the phone with Laurie.
Laurie than went over to go check on them and discovers the body’s and when she is against the wall Michaels white mask appears in the shadows.
Aioni was holding her breath in anticipation.
Michael swung his knife at Laurie sending her tumbling down the stairs she than ran back to the house and told the kids to hide in a room. She than hid in the closet.
Michael soon found her but she stabbed him in the eye with a coat hanger. She left the room to calm down and that’s when Michael sat up.
“LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU!” Aioni was interested in the scene.
Chat was going ballistic.
Mazic monster: HOW IS HE STILL ALIVE.
FED4LIFE: THERE I NO WAY BRO
Michael than attacked Laurie again and was choking her when Dr Loomis arrived at shot Michael. Loomis than entered the room Michael was in and shot him until he fell off the balcony.
Loomis looked at Michaels body on the ground and turned to Laurie and then looked back.
Michael was gone.
Aioni was wide eyed as the movie ended.
“Wait that’s the end!?” She looked up at me.
“Yep that’s all there is of the movie”
She talked to chat a bit before turning off the stream.
She was shaking.
“Hey Aioni it’s ok I’m here” I hugged her and she put me on her bed and laid down next to me.
We held each other as I pet her head. Her ears were wagging.
“It’s ok I didn’t mean to scare you so badly” she pulled covers over us. I rest my head on a pillow as she put her head on my chest.
She made such cute purr chitter like sound as she closed her eyes. I soon got tired and shut my eyes for some rest.
I then went to sleep.
———2 hours later
I woke up with Aioni sleeping on me. I didn’t move because I didn’t want to wake her up. I grabbed my phone and looked online.
There were a lot of people talking about the stream.
No way. There is already fan art of my character and Tonai? There was one where we were both sitting under a tree looking at the sunset. Then another of us in a house with an alternate.
There was a video. I clicked it and it was an animation compilation of the stream and what happened.
I also saw some news stations talking about it.
I put my phone down and looked at Aioni. What a cute little bunny. I pet her head and she soon woke up.
“What time is it?” She looked up at me.
“We both slept for like two hours” I stared at Aioni who gave me a slight smile.
“You are so cute you know that Chris”. She put her paws on my face.
“ you are such a cute little bunny Aioni” I pet her head and she loved it.
We soon got up and headed downstairs to the garage.
“Alright so we’re going to hangout at Chris’s house alright mom” Aioni stared at her mother as she nodded and we went towards my bike.

I turned 30 at the end of last year, and my life is finally where I want it to be. I’m in school (again) I just landed a great job, i have an amazing boyfriend, and a loving family. Everything is going so well. But, in the back of my mind I can’t help but stress about one day being a mom.
My boyfriend and I have talked about getting married and having A child. Just one because lord knows we can’t afford two in this economy. We both want to be parents with one another. Like we’ve both said “if I wasn’t with you I don’t think I’d want kids” you know? I’ve truly found my person who will always be there for me, and he really has always been there for me.
Our relationship has not always been this good, especially before my diagnosis, I call that B.D. lol. Anyway, now that things are “on track” I can’t help but think ok what’s the next big milestone in my life that I’ll be working toward? Ok there’s graduating with a degree, getting married, and then having a baby… all things I truly want and I want my boyfriend to be part of that journey with me.
But the thing is, I just don’t see having a child as a reality. At least not now. I keep thinking should we have a kid before or after I graduate, how will landing a job work? My bf also wants to get his degree so how will we be able to work and care for a newborn? Neither of us wants to rely on a babysitter. I’m ok being a stay a home mom and he’s ok being a stay at home dad. Whichever route works for us we’re both ok with compromising, but it just seems unfair that one of us would have to give up what we’ve just worked so hard for. And I’m not saying it won’t be worth it, it’s just so much to think about and process.
We had this conversation a few weeks ago and I think he could tell I was stressing lol he paused for a moment to look at me and say, “you know, maybe this goes without saying, but I’ll still love you no matter what. If we don’t have kids, that doesn’t change how I feel about you. I will always want you.” In that moment all of my stress melted away and I loved him even more.
Now, maybe we do have a child, maybe we don’t. But it’s so validating to hear those words. And the crazy thing is deep down I already knew he felt this way, at least I thought so. But to hear him say it….was exactly what I needed in that moment. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this person but I’m so glad we have each other.

First off before anything, this is a throw away account. All names and stuff will be made up if they are mentioned.
So starting off as I don’t know where else to start, my parents divorced when I was in the first or second grade. It was a messy ordeal and even now I don’t know all the details as both my parents refuse to tell me.
My mom didn’t have a job at the time, and the fact that my great grandmother hated her, she apparently payed for an attorney for my dad. Long story short, I along with my two other siblings, were put into custody with my dad, my mom getting visitation every other weekend.
My father is what you’d call a textbook narcissist. He even told me to my face that if he were arguing with someone and he knew they were wrong he could make them look stupid and that he was right. He was never emotionally there for us, only really telling the occasional childhood story. I to this day don’t know that man’s favorite color.
Now mind you this is where it gets a little fuzzy, I’m pretty sure I blocked out a few memories.
He didn’t hit us or anything, but there were a few times where he was definitely physical. Instead of using his hands would use a wooden backscratcher to discipline us. I was a picky eater when I was a kid and I remember just bawling my eyes out when he would get up to get the backscratcher.
To get a better understanding this is the kind of stuff that would happen throughout the years.
I was diagnosed with asthma around 2014 (I don’t have it now thankfully). Before I was professionally diagnosed I remember telling my dad I had trouble breathing. I was doing what’s called stomach breathing where instead of my chest rising my stomach did. My dad didn’t believe me so he held my stomach down with his hands trying to force me to breathe with my chest. I was told I was faking it even when I was wheezing for breath as he held down my stomach.
When he eventually took me to the hospital and I was diagnosed, he didn’t apologize.
My sister hurt her knee at some point in middle school I think it was. When she told my father (mind you we were living with my grandmother at the time) he had her walk up and down the hallway telling her she needed to walk it off or something like that. When she was still limping he sat her on the couch and bent her hurt knee over and over again, my grandmother doing nothing to stop this keep in mind.
He still says that she never hurt her knee when my sister brings it up.
Me and my siblings were in baseball for about a year. My brother wasn’t the most athletic so my dad had him run laps around the yard to build up stamina I guess. He had him run until he was begging to stop, actual tears running down his face.
It got worse when my stepmother was brought into the picture.
She had a kid of her own, and she was somehow more of a raging asshole than my dad. They got married and eventually we moved into her late father’s town home.
This woman was fing insane. She yelled at me and my siblings for accidentally leaving an empty taquito box in the freezer.
For an hour.
When Covid hit, it felt like hell on earth. By then they had their own kid, and used me and my other siblings as their own personal babysitters.
My brother when he became 18 moved all the way to another state up north. Me and my sister had to pick up the slack.
Mind you it wasn’t physical anymore. Everything was just constant mental berating. If we didn’t sweep the floors correctly, we were grounded from our phones.
Our only way to contact our mother btw.
If we left our laundry in the washer by accident, grounded. If we so much as said anything against her brat of a child that we had to keep our valuables away from otherwise they would end up broken. Grounded. Not that it actually mattered anyway. We had this thing called screen time on our phones that only my stepmother had the password to, so we only had an hour on them.
I thought about running away.
I had no friends anymore, social skills completely destroyed. By then my sister had moved out to the same state my brother was in. (We had family up there if your wondering) I wanted to move with my mom so bad. I was of age but at the time my dad made it seem like the very idea of it was impossible.
And I believed him.
I felt I had no way out. The idea of running away became non existent. What if I was found? I would be dragged back and be in a worse situation then before.
So I thought about committing. I don’t know why I didn’t. I had nothing else to think about, by then even grounded from my books.
I wanted to. I felt I had no way out. It was the lowest point in my life. I had no one to turn to and my mom had no power to do anything.
But then, it was like god finally answered my prayers.
They were moving in with my relatives up north, and they gave me a choice to live with my mom or move in with them there. The choice was obvious.
By now it’s been about three years since then. Me and my mom have been talking about therapy. I hate him so much for what he did to my frigging brain. I have found out I have ptsd, and social anxiety by this point, and am seeking professional help now.
I think it’ll be while, but I’ve definitely healed a little. I have some friends that I really care about. I’ve actually built my life away from him.
Out of precaution, I’ve decided to wait until I’m 18 to cut him out of my life. I don’t want him thinking it’s my moms fault for me thinking this way. I don’t think I would survive living with him again.
Sorry if this got a little too heavy and that this is more of a rant than anything. I just wanted to tell someone how I really feel even if it’s just a bunch of random people on the internet.

Hello again, I’m in need of some advice. I’ve made a few posts about how I am on the hunt for a new position come August.
Long story short - I live in Hawaii, my current NF is amazing and I love them but they’re military and moving off island end of July/ early august. Which is fine because it’s perfect time for me to move off island to Colorado.
I learned about their move in April so I started applying to positions on Care.com and now nanny lane. Most of the postings have either been for June/July or September. I’ve only applied to the June/July ones that say start date is flexible just to see how flexible. But I’ve found very few that are looking for August start dates. Do parents not post for positions that much in advance?
I should mention my preference is newborn-pre-K so kids in or out of school isn’t really an issue for this job hunt.
Anywho, of what seems like the hundreds (I’m exaggerating lol) of postings I’ve applied to, I’ve had a handful of responses. Of those responses I’ve had a few interviews.
Of those few interviews ALL of the families have been happy about my experience, professionalism, references but ALL of them have had some issue with start date or nanny industry standards (contracts, payroll, GH, etc.) mostly because they’re first time parents and don’t know about the industry standard stuff.
Anyways, I’m starting to get really discouraged…it feels like slim pickings out here in these streets. Could it be im jumping the gun on looking for work? I’ve paid for care.com premium and just this past Friday I’ve paid for Nanny Lane Plus just to show up higher. I’ve tried applying to one agency but tbh I haven’t been with more than 1 family longer than 8 months. My first NF lasted 8 months because they stopped paying me for weeks at a time. I had a nanny share after that but moved to Hawaii after 7 months and now my current family is moving away and I’ve been with them since December 2022 - so the nanny agency wasn’t impressed by me not having at least a year with 1 family. Which makes sense but tbh I really was just trying to gain some experience the past few years as a full time nanny since I’ve always been a babysitter before nannying. I’m now looking for a full-time long term position with a newborn or infant NK that I can stay with for a few years. I don’t have any plans to move from Colorado once I’m there either.
I’ve always found my jobs on care.com but woof has it been a struggle the past few months. And I still haven’t secured anything. Is Taylor Swift on to something…Is it me? Am I the problem?!

Apologies in advance for not using the correct flair. I wasn't sure which one to pick.
​
I'm currently looking for a new job as MB is pregnant and will be taking at least a year off when the baby comes. On Friday, I had a last-minute phone interview for a position.
9 am to 3 pm Monday-Friday caring for a 15-month-old. The family also has an 11-year-old, but he'll be in school during those hours [we did not discuss the plans for when he's home. At 11, however, it's not a huge concern of mine since at the age of 11, I was already babysitting other kids].
The family currently has a "sitter" who is leaving to start her full-time career. This sitter takes the toddler out of the house at around 9 am, and they stay out until close to 1 pm (eating lunch and snacks on the go). Typically, they spend all day out at parks or at the Zoo (I'm assuming they have a pass, though the SITTER may have the pass, and the kid gets in for free because she's under 2. It wouldn't surprise me if NF isn't paying for the zoo). While this is fine on nice days, it seems like a LOT to keep a toddler out of the house and entertained for 4-5 hours a day when the weather is poor.
The first red flag occurred when it was revealed that I don't drive my NKs. They're 2 and 4, and when I started the job in 2022, things were still a bit more restricted than they are today. (We had Covid my second week of work). There's been no need to drive my NKs anywhere. There's plenty to do within walking distance when the weather is nice, and the kids are also content to play at home or in their backyard. Potential MB (PMB) sounded almost offended at the idea that I don't drive the kids. [Looking back, I wonder if she suspects it's because there's a reason in my driving history.]
Then, it came up that the family only owns one car, so I'd have to use my vehicle to drive NK around. Unfortunately, I've gotten conflicting information about what my car insurance will cover regarding using my vehicle for work, so I prefer NOT to use my car to transport kids. (At this time, I'm not really in a position to change insurance companies). This is typically something that scares employers away. Most of them don't even ask about insurance coverage, but I bring it up because I will only drive kids around if I have the proper coverage. I can only afford to pay out of pocket if I significantly increase my rates (which are already too low).
But the family seemed to agree to discuss paying for the insurance coverage. That's when I learned that NK takes a nap at 2:45 pm after a bath. (Parents alternate WFH days, so I'd be free to go after NK is asleep). I have no problem giving kids baths, but it's not something I've done often because most families I've worked for don't do baths during the day, and most parents, in my experience, opt to skip a PM bath if it's a babysitter night. My concern is the late naptime. In my experience, the only time I've had a kid with a nap that late was when they were still on two naps (say a 10am nap and a 2:30-3pm nap). I wonder if she's dropped that morning nap and is down to 1 nap now, but that second nap wasn't adjusted to accommodate. Now, it's possible that she just sleeps in later and that schedule works, but I feel it's more likely that they want to push that nap out later because it's more convenient/cheaper to have a sitter from 9-3, and have baby nap for those last 2 hours of the work day than it is to have someone from 9-5 because baby is napping from 1-3.
So, I was already hesitant on the job when the subject of pay came up. PMB seemed confused about the idea of paying on the books and gave the line that she'd "look into it" which often leads to no response or agreeing to give a 1099. When I told her my rates started at $25/hour (I have over 20 years of childcare experience and live in a HCOL area and $25/hour at 40 hours isn't enough to afford an apartment around here, so my rates are already low), she was confused. Apparently, she saw $15-17 an hour on my Sittercity profile. She tried to talk me into lowering my rates, but I was firm that $25/hour was as low as I'd go.
Despite all this, we agreed to schedule an in-person interview. She wanted to do it Sunday, but I do not work Sundays and was very firm on it, despite her constantly trying to negotiate a different time. [I am busy until close to 5pm most Sundays with church activities, and then I need the evening, so I don't have much room to negotiate. I am available other days, but not Sunday].
So, we agreed to meet today at 2pm. This was at 7pm on Friday. It is now almost 12pm on Monday and I haven't heard from her about an address. I'm starting to suspect that she decided NOT to go with me when there are people out there who are willing to accept $15/hour cash.
And given the job description and the fact that she uses the word "sitter" (which I've noticed is code for "I undervalue and underpay my employees), I'm not too heartbroken about it.

I tried posting this on AITA five times and it has been taken down every time.
For context. My daughter (5months) lives with me (22f) full time. Her father(25m) has not been an active part of her life since conception. We were together 2 years in a very very toxic (and sometimes abusive) relationship. We had 2 miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy in the span of a year. When I got pregnant a fourth time I was understandably worried. So was her father. He refused to tell any of his family other than one of his sisters. I understood and we ended up having a huge argument when I was 8 weeks pregnant and we split up. I moved back in with my parents and we didn’t speak for months. I invited him to my gender reveal, sent photos of ultrasounds, updates on our very very healthy baby girl, and invited him to my baby shower (which ended up being canceled because I went into pre term labor which was stopped). He never responded to anything. The day she was born my sister called him to tell him that I was in labor and he said “cool good for her” and hung up on her. No one heard from him for 3 days. He messaged me wanting to see her and basically told me if I didn’t say yes he would call dss on me. As a first time mother I was terrified of having my child taken so I agreed. He saw her for about an hour (that’s all my parents would agree to because it’s their house) and then he left. Didn’t see her, ask about her, or contact me at all until a month later. He saw her twice between one month and 2 months old. Didn’t contact me again until she was 3 1/2 months old. He has been back in her life for about 2 months now and sees her regularly. He went with us on her first trip to the aquarium, went to the park with her for the first time, bought her clothes and toys, etc.
Two weeks ago on Mother’s Day we spent the day together as a family and then I didn’t hear from him for 3 days. He told me he was starting a new job so I figured he was busy. He called and asked to see her last Wednesday and never showed up. He called again Friday. Never showed up. Claimed he got called into work. He called 5 days ago and asked to see her and I told him I had to work and that she would be at the babysitter until I got off late at night so he could see her the next day when I was off. He agreed. I didn’t hear from him for 5 days. I was contacted by a friend of his ex (who is a meth and coke addict and has child abuse and child neglect charges) and told that he had been at her house for 5 days and was drugged out of his mind. She sent photos and videos of him doing drugs and telling everyone he was going to come to my house and take his daughter. His ex was heard in the videos saying she would unalive me and my family for it to work and they would skip town right after.
I texted him and told him he was no longer allowed to see our daughter and that I would be calling our caseworker and telling her the same and I would be happy to take it to court if he wanted to. He texted back 8 hours later telling me I couldn’t stop him from seeing her and he would “take me down” if I tried to keep him from her. He called me all kinds of nasty names and made me feel like a horrible human being. So far his mom(who has never even wanted to meet her granddaughter) his sisters and his brother have all texted me and threatened me or told me to unalive myself or called my daughter horrible names and said she was ugly and she was going to end up being a “retard” (I hate that word) with a mother like me.
Am I wrong for cutting him out of her life..? What do I do..? Please help…
EDIT
We do have a custody agreement stating that he can see her twice a week (Tuesday and Thursday) for 2 hours. But it must be supervised. He has not upheld that agreement in over 2 months now. He is also supposed to pay child support and we agreed that as long as his child support is paid he can see her but if he doesn’t pay it he isn’t allowed to see her. He hasn’t paid it in over a month and I continued to allow him to see her outside of his scheduled visitation days. I do have proof that he has been abusive, police reports I’ve made against him in the past, he has been arrested several times just for things he’s done to me not including his numerous arrests for drugs and violence against others. I also have videos of him on drugs, videos of him admitting to criminal acts, screenshots of everything, etc. all of that can be found listed in the comments section below. I have contacted our caseworker with everything that has happened and she is going to inform me Tuesday if he contacts her and she’s going to help me get an attorney and keep him from getting any kind of custody of her. He is currently living with 3 people who are all highschool (and in one case a middle school) drop outs and all have felonies. One is a registered sex offender, another has felony convictions for rape, possession of class A narcotics, assault with a deadly weapon, and assault with a deadly weapon with intent to kill (different occasion than the first assault charge) and the third has felony convictions for Child Abuse, Negligence of a child that ended in the child’s untimely and very sad death, rape, domestic abuse, 5 counts of assault with a deadly weapon. He himself has 13 misdemeanor drug charges as well as a felony charge for possession of class A narcotics over the legal limit and possession of stolen goods. He also has 3 counts of misdemeanor B&E and 6 counts of misdemeanor animal abuse and is legally not allowed to own animals in the state of Florida. As well as all the charges he got for what he did to me which were all misdemeanor charges. His girlfriend had all 3 of her kids taken because she was prostituting her oldest out to men on the internet, she physically and sexually abused both of her youngest kids, and she was charged with what my caseworker called “fatal negligence” after her 4th child died in a house fire last summer when the meth lab in her attic blew up and she didn’t even try to save the baby. Luckily the other 3 children had already been taken from her at the time.
I have no criminal charges, I’ve never done drugs (not even smoked pot), I quit smoking cigarettes and quit drinking 6 months before my daughter was born, I graduated highschool and have a business degree and I’m in school currently for a degree in psychology, I work 39 hours a week and my daughter has never gone without anything she needed and has been to every single doctors appointment and never had to have them rescheduled. My parents are both retired and have never had a single charge their entire lives. They have raised 3 kids and 5 grandkids and they watch my daughter when I am at work or school except for the one day a week she goes to a daycare for a few hours to be around other babies her age. She is clean, well fed, has brand new clean clothes. He has only ever bought her ripped or worn out clothing, the 3 nights he stayed with us I was extremely sick and my parents were out of town and he refused to give her a bath, make her bottles, or feed her baby food because he said he couldn’t stand the smell. He refused to change her diaper because he said he didn’t want her to pee on him.
This is not me trying to make myself look good. Just giving more info now that I know there isn’t a character limit.

I tried posting this on AITA five times and it has been taken down every time.
For context. My daughter (5months) lives with me (22f) full time. Her father(25m) has not been an active part of her life since conception. We were together 2 years in a very very toxic (and sometimes abusive) relationship. We had 2 miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy in the span of a year. When I got pregnant a fourth time I was understandably worried. So was her father. He refused to tell any of his family other than one of his sisters. I understood and we ended up having a huge argument when I was 8 weeks pregnant and we split up. I moved back in with my parents and we didn’t speak for months. I invited him to my gender reveal, sent photos of ultrasounds, updates on our very very healthy baby girl, and invited him to my baby shower (which ended up being canceled because I went into pre term labor which was stopped). He never responded to anything. The day she was born my sister called him to tell him that I was in labor and he said “cool good for her” and hung up on her. No one heard from him for 3 days. He messaged me wanting to see her and basically told me if I didn’t say yes he would call dss on me. As a first time mother I was terrified of having my child taken so I agreed. He saw her for about an hour (that’s all my parents would agree to because it’s their house) and then he left. Didn’t see her, ask about her, or contact me at all until a month later. He saw her twice between one month and 2 months old. Didn’t contact me again until she was 3 1/2 months old. He has been back in her life for about 2 months now and sees her regularly. He went with us on her first trip to the aquarium, went to the park with her for the first time, bought her clothes and toys, etc.
Two weeks ago on Mother’s Day we spent the day together as a family and then I didn’t hear from him for 3 days. He told me he was starting a new job so I figured he was busy. He called and asked to see her last Wednesday and never showed up. He called again Friday. Never showed up. Claimed he got called into work. He called 5 days ago and asked to see her and I told him I had to work and that she would be at the babysitter until I got off late at night so he could see her the next day when I was off. He agreed. I didn’t hear from him for 5 days. I was contacted by a friend of his ex (who is a meth and coke addict and has child abuse and child neglect charges) and told that he had been at her house for 5 days and was drugged out of his mind. She sent photos and videos of him doing drugs and telling everyone he was going to come to my house and take his daughter. His ex was heard in the videos saying she would unalive me and my family for it to work and they would skip town right after.
I texted him and told him he was no longer allowed to see our daughter and that I would be calling our caseworker and telling her the same and I would be happy to take it to court if he wanted to. He texted back 8 hours later telling me I couldn’t stop him from seeing her and he would “take me down” if I tried to keep him from her. He called me all kinds of nasty names and made me feel like a horrible human being. So far his mom(who has never even wanted to meet her granddaughter) his sisters and his brother have all texted me and threatened me or told me to unalive myself or called my daughter horrible names and said she was ugly and she was going to end up being a “retard” (I hate that word) with a mother like me.
Am I wrong for cutting him out of her life..? What do I do..? Please help…
EDIT
We do have a custody agreement stating that he can see her twice a week (Tuesday and Thursday) for 2 hours. But it must be supervised. He has not upheld that agreement in over 2 months now. He is also supposed to pay child support and we agreed that as long as his child support is paid he can see her but if he doesn’t pay it he isn’t allowed to see her. He hasn’t paid it in over a month and I continued to allow him to see her outside of his scheduled visitation days. I do have proof that he has been abusive, police reports I’ve made against him in the past, he has been arrested several times just for things he’s done to me not including his numerous arrests for drugs and violence against others. I also have videos of him on drugs, videos of him admitting to criminal acts, screenshots of everything, etc. all of that can be found listed in the comments section below. I have contacted our caseworker with everything that has happened and she is going to inform me Tuesday if he contacts her and she’s going to help me get an attorney and keep him from getting any kind of custody of her. He is currently living with 3 people who are all highschool (and in one case a middle school) drop outs and all have felonies. One is a registered sex offender, another has felony convictions for rape, possession of class A narcotics, assault with a deadly weapon, and assault with a deadly weapon with intent to kill (different occasion than the first assault charge) and the third has felony convictions for Child Abuse, Negligence of a child that ended in the child’s untimely and very sad death, rape, domestic abuse, 5 counts of assault with a deadly weapon. He himself has 13 misdemeanor drug charges as well as a felony charge for possession of class A narcotics over the legal limit and possession of stolen goods. He also has 3 counts of misdemeanor B&E and 6 counts of misdemeanor animal abuse and is legally not allowed to own animals in the state of Florida. As well as all the charges he got for what he did to me which were all misdemeanor charges. His girlfriend had all 3 of her kids taken because she was prostituting her oldest out to men on the internet, she physically and sexually abused both of her youngest kids, and she was charged with what my caseworker called “fatal negligence” after her 4th child died in a house fire last summer when the meth lab in her attic blew up and she didn’t even try to save the baby. Luckily the other 3 children had already been taken from her at the time.
I have no criminal charges, I’ve never done drugs (not even smoked pot), I quit smoking cigarettes and quit drinking 6 months before my daughter was born, I graduated highschool and have a business degree and I’m in school currently for a degree in psychology, I work 39 hours a week and my daughter has never gone without anything she needed and has been to every single doctors appointment and never had to have them rescheduled. My parents are both retired and have never had a single charge their entire lives. They have raised 3 kids and 5 grandkids and they watch my daughter when I am at work or school except for the one day a week she goes to a daycare for a few hours to be around other babies her age. She is clean, well fed, has brand new clean clothes. He has only ever bought her ripped or worn out clothing, the 3 nights he stayed with us I was extremely sick and my parents were out of town and he refused to give her a bath, make her bottles, or feed her baby food because he said he couldn’t stand the smell. He refused to change her diaper because he said he didn’t want her to pee on him.
This is not me trying to make myself look good. Just giving more info now that I know there isn’t a character limit.

tldr; my mother tried to feed my toddler 3 year old expired chocolate after I explicitly told her it's expired and to not do that, and the second time she got upset and now is refusing childcare because I made her feel like an inadequate caretaker. Am I crazy, AITA?
Okay, I just... I need to know if I'm crazy here. I got my family together for a cookout today, and I asked my mom while I was shopping today if she had s'mores stuff because last time we had a cookout it was bad so presumably it was thrown out. She said it's all good.
Fast forward to s'mores time, I open the stuff up and it's all stale and whatnot. I look and it's dated BB June 2020. Jfc. So I tell her we're not going to use it, what I think is understandably so, because it's 3 years old.
After knowing this and arguing with me that it's still good, she tries to feed some to my toddler. My husband and I said absolutely hell to the no, don't do that. She stormed off and left.
Later on, my sister is texting me telling me my mother is crying, how IATA, how I'm a helicopter parent because I want my kid to wear sunscreen and not eat junk 24/7 and how this was the final straw and it's all snowballed into a big ordeal on how I make my mother feel unfit as a caretaker and I apparently hate her and she won't be his babysitter anymore. She's the main babysitter several days a week. Without her, I'll have to quit my job.
When I'm the only one that tried to get the family together this weekend, and all I did was tell her to not feed my kid 3 year old expired chocolate. Like, I know it's not potato salad or anything that crazy, but it's just the fact I already told her no and it should just be common sense, right? I just... Idk.
Then I asked my dad about it and he said I need to get a grip, he eats expired stuff all the time.
Am I crazy? I really feel like I'm crazy.

I (26f) have felt that my mother has never loved me.
A little background, I was born and raised in Thailand until I was 5 and before I was moved to Australia. When I was living in Thailand I was with my older biological brother (Tee), my dad (Dee), my mother and my dad’s extended family (parents and siblings).
I knew of my dad’s alcoholism and knew him to be abusive when drunk. So I understood why my mother had to leave. I just didn’t understand why she didn’t take Tee and me with her. She left me with Dee and knew what would happen. There were days where I had to run to my grandmother to get Dee to stop hitting me.
I would be covered in bruises for days almost unable to walk. This all happened after my mother left when I was about 2-3yrs old (me running to my grandma, not the abuse). I had always thought she would come back one day but she never did.
Not until she found her ex husband and had another child. I was too young to comprehend what was really happening. Next thing I knew I was on a plane to Australia.
Before I had left, Dee said he would see us soon and that we were just going on a holiday. Which was in fact a lie. She had brought me and Tee to live in Australia.
Dee may have been abusive to me but due to my mothers abandonment we ended up bonding and becoming really close. To the point that I can safely say I am a daddy’s girl. He would pamper me. Listen to my every whim and demand. His only flaw was the drunken abuse. Apart from that I was given royal treatment.
So I was torn when I realised we were never going back. My life had changed completely. A 180. The opposite of how Dee raised me. He showed me love and kindness and compassion when clear minded and sober. So when I came to Australia and was abused the exact same way by my mother who was completely sober, I was terrified.
I was made to become independent overnight. I was made to become a second parent over night. There was no more love, kindness or compassion. I was on my own.
My mother favoured my 2 siblings at the time over me. It got even worse when my 2 younger siblings were born (not twins, but she did have her tubes tied twice and they were still conceived).
When I say favoured I mean favoured. I was the definition of a middle child even if I no longer was. My mother said she brought me here to Australia to give me a better life, a life she never lived.
She had to grow up too fast and look after her younger siblings. Which was the exact life she gave me anyways. If not worse.
I was the maid of the house. I did all the chores. I got everyone ready for school. I had to get everyone to school, I had to make sure they had breakfast. After school I had to bring them home, then make them dinner, help them with their homework and do the evening chores. All before I got to do my homework.
Because of all this was waking up at 5am daily and going to bed at around 11pm and usually falling asleep at my desk trying to do my homework.
I was never allowed to go out with friends or attend birthday parties and I was never thrown one either (except for my 16th, which was at a restaurant, and 18th, even then the effort was lacking. Compared to every other party she has ever thrown for the rest of my siblings mine looked like it was thrown together the night before with whatever was left over in the house from previous parties).
Great example, my 26th birthday just passed on the 16/05 and she didn’t even wish me a happy birthday, but if I ever forgot a holiday, birthday or whatever it was and didn’t wish her a good one or contact my siblings first to wish them a good one, I would be yelled at and told that I don’t care for the family and that I didn’t want to be apart of it.
Everything that went wrong in their lives was my fault. Even if she knew it wasn’t, but because I was the oldest I should take responsibility. Mind you Tee is older than me by 2 years. Yet he never got made to lift a finger.
If glass child means children being ignored. I guess I was the invisible cloak. I often got left at home when they went out. I’ve been left at home with the whole house locked (windows included).
I was made to be a waitress at every single party or event she threw. I was always taken out of all extracurricular activities because my siblings didn’t want to do them anymore and I wasn’t even allowed to play representative sports for the school when I made the team after tryouts.
Some of the ‘punishments’ she gave me due to my white lies about chores and stealing money out of her purse or taking snacks (they were locked in her room):

1. No food
2. Extra chores
3. A beating
4. All three
5. Locked in the shed

While my siblings only got a smack on the bum for the exact same things.
She made me find a job as soon as I was legally allowed to, but Tee didn’t hear about it until after he graduated. Which he almost didn’t make due to always being late and failing academically.
My mother also didn’t believe me when the truth about me being sa’d by her ex came out. DOCK’s (Australian CPS) came to investigate as a friend I had confided in told a teacher at school. Her excuse was “How can I believe you when you lie so much?”. Mind you this was after I told her I would be happy to go to the police station to do a lie detector test. Guess who was all against it?
She had pulled me out and I wasn’t able to finish my high school schooling. Due to her not wanting to deal with me and my sa lies. She had sent me to Thailand to live with Dee again.
That day was the day it concreted the loveless relationship I had with my mother. That’s when I knew she didn’t care for me but just needed someone around to keep the house maintained and a free babysitter.
Whenever I tried talking to her casually as a friend I’m told to be quite cause I’m annoying. I’m told to always be there for everyone, but no one is told to ever be there for me. She always made me late to school and events, including my job at the time. Yes, the one she forced on me.
Please bare in mind, this job hunt was when I was 14. I didn’t get to use the money I worked for. I didn’t actually gain courage to stand up for myself until I met my husband when I was 18.
Till this day. 8 years after I’ve left her home and gone low contact am I still hurt. As of this past month I’ve been crying and so depressed. I don’t know why and I hate it.
I hate that I still want the love. I hate that it hurts me to see her always out and about with my siblings knowing full well when I try to make plans with her she’s always busy.
I hate it. I’m so sorry to come on here and ruin anyones day, but I had to get this off my chest. I can’t keep also bringing my husband down. He has been the biggest support and I know I’m not alone, but I feel so alone. All because of a mother I know doesn’t love me. No matter how many times she says she does.
Her actions have spoken volumes. She had instilled in me to be family oriented, yet they have never reciprocated any of it towards me. This includes my other siblings and not just my mother, but that’s another story entirely.
Thank you all for reading.

So this girl named Lily(16 is babysitting this rich kid, Daniel(12) and they throw a party with her 3 friends, Margot, Nikole, and Ryan while his parents are away for 2 days. Her boyfriend, James and her go to the guest room and start making love while Daniel busts in. Daniel has a huge crush on her and sneaks away. They all black out as Daniel poisoned the drink. They wake up tied to 4 chairs. Daniel wants to show Lily that he's right for her by eliminating all the competion right in front of her. He takes out a champagne bottle and drinks all of it, the smashes the glass on James head. Everyone is terrified at it and starts screaming for help. Daniel takes a gun on the couch and points it at Ryan. "This will be alot less messy if you calm down" They all shut up. He brings out a wheel with different ways to die he spins it and it lands on a poison test. He brings out two glasses. One of wine another of acid. He asks Margot to choose. She chooses right. He forces James to drink it. He dies a gruesome death. Lily starts crying, Daniel kisses her forehead saying "It will all be okay." He spins the wheel again it lands on Home Alone. He pushes Margot's chair infront of the stairs and starts pushing paint cans trying to kill her. Ryan grabs a knife on a nearby counter and wants to free Lily but Lily says to leave. He runs away in the street. Margot misses all the paint cans as Daniel gets annoyed. He gets down to kill her gun style but Margot says she'll help him by catching Ryan. Daniel lets her go. She drives her car in the street and runs over Ryan. She picks up his dead body and puts him the trunk. Daniel puts a gun up to Lily's head. "Why do you not love me?" "Your a fucking psychopath, murderer, and your just 11." She responds. "You should watch your mouth." Daniel snaps. "You love me, you would never hurt me" she responds. Margot shoots Daniel in the head. "But I'll hurt him." Margot responds. She unties Lily and they hug. "Thank you, Margot. How about we have a girl night?" "Sure!" They start swimming in their inside pool talking about what happened. Lily says she's gonna change the temperature. But she locks Margot in there and fills the room with poisonous gas. "What are you doing?" "Killing you? Duh." "Why? Please Lily, stop!" "It makes me feel so good killing people, seeing them die. I took a job as a babysitter to do this. Kill people." Lily responds. "Crazy, your crazy." Margot says as she gets choked up by the gas. Lily sets a grenade in the house, and sets it. She drives in her car away. Sastified that the bodies are now just ashes.

I don’t really have many friends they’re more like really close acquaintances because we only see or talk to each other at school.
Right now I’m really focused on getting my grades up to get into my dream college. I want to go into psychology but I’m not sure what I want to do exactly but I’ll get there when I get there. But I’m really considering becoming a clinical psychologist or a Psychiatrist. Both are pretty high paying jobs where I’m from.
But all of my friends who want kids make “jokes” (they were not in joking tones) about how I’ll be the rich aunt that spoils their kids.
I just find it really weird that they’re already thinking about having kids when we’re Juniors but that’s not my business.
Granted I kinda do want to be the Rich Aunt mostly because I’ll be rich and childfree. But I don’t want that to be an expectation.
They think that having children and a family is the end goal but I want to live comfortably.
But they want me to be a rich babysitter just because I had mentioned I am good with kids (that happens when I’m the oldest cousin ig).
Idk how to explain it to them that I don’t want to do that. I just feel like they’ll only keep me around if I can provide for their kids. Because aside from this ridiculous expectation they are more genuine than other people I was friends with.

We have done it. The end of another school year! Before we jump into this last set of stories, remember to subscribe to ReddX, home of the best cringe content on YouTube. Promise, swearsies, it’s just a fact and it’s totally science. Go ahead and look it up!
I miss that intro a lot so I figured I’d just write it in. I waited until after graduation to post this because, with ManiBeard at graduation, I figured anything could happen. And it did. And with that, let’s jump into this last set of beardy tales (for this school year). Let’s a-go.

1. “No Place Like Home (Campus)”

I was in a pretty good mood because I found out that district was ticked off at admin for considering moving my Cave to a different room next year and because they keep using my Cave as ‘backup’ for state testing. Evidently, the district was unaware this was happening but after I had complained to Cook about the extent of it she went to the district and, well, I’m keeping my Cave next year right where it is, and testing use will be limited. I won without lifting a finger. Sometimes bureaucracy works. Not often, but it’s beautiful when it does.
Of course, that good mood was not to last…
On this day I had a meeting with all the other Graphic Design teachers at another campus. We will call it Clique High School (because ‘cult’ may or may not be YouTube-friendly).
The first thing you need to know is I have a history with CHS. Remember, all the way back in chapter 1 where I mention I was a substitute teacher at Standard High before they hired me as a teacher? Well, there was one part I left out because it was irrelevant to that story, but it becomes relevant here. It is true I did sub at SHS, but the part I left out was that for half of the 2020-2021 school year (Covid year), I was a long-term sub at another campus and that campus was Clique High School. To say it was a poor experience would be underselling it immensely. You could say that Elon Musk is well off but that doesn’t really express the massive mounds of money that malevolent menace truly had. Likewise, saying I had a poor experience at CHS doesn’t really express the absolutely traumatizing, terrible, troublesome experience that my life there. It got so bad that I would leave work, cry the entire 30-minute drive to SHS, pick up Beatle, and make him drive the rest of the way home because my eyes were sore from crying.
What did I do at CHS? Well, I was a long-term sub in ESL. That’s where I got my start with it. When I walked in at the start of that year I’d never had a high school classroom before, I had no lesson plans, limited access to the curriculum since I was a sub, and I was teaching virtually because Covid…and what did I do? I build a curriculum, bonded with my class, and wrote my own lesson plans (even though subs generally don’t write plans). Basically, I rebuilt their ESL program. I did apply for the job. After all, I was already doing all of the work for substitute pay. I may as well get teacher pay for being a teacher. Right? Wrong.
They did interview me for the job but then proceeded to yank me around for half a semester before finally saying they were going to hire someone else. Who? No idea. But not me. But they wanted me to continue to long-term sub and do what I was doing until they found someone. Honestly, when I didn’t get the job part of me was pissed because of all the work I put in, but part of me was relieved. You see, the culture at CHS isn’t like the culture at SHS. Their principal, whom we will call Mr. D (for reasons that will soon be clear), had been named the district’s principal of the year and his staff completely fawned over him…a staff mostly comprised of women. The male-to-female ratio at CHS was considerably more unbalanced than at SHS. What struck me as odd was that Mr. D did not seem to warrant such admiration. During my interactions with him, I got slimy car salesman vibes more than high school principal. I would come to find out that this went deeper than I knew.
Remember AVIDBeard? Yeah, to her credit she was the one that warned me. Mostly I think she saw a chance to gossip, but nonetheless. I was visiting SHS and telling the English dept. how much I missed subbing for them (they actually liked me at this time…this was long before EnglishBeard even worked there so certainly before that whole thing made me a pariah). They missed me too. Although honestly, they missed having a sub at their becken call. Let’s be real. Anyway, AVIDBeard was all too happy to jump in with gossip.
“Be careful over there Mandy,” AVIDBeard said.
“Why? What do you know?” I asked.
“I had a training over there once and this teacher that works there started freaking out because the instructor, who was also a teacher there, was late. She started to have an anxiety attack and when I asked her what was wrong she said ‘Daddy isn’t going to like this’,” AVIDBeard explained.
“What?!” everyone in the room asked at once.
AVIDBeard nodded, “I know! So I asked her, ‘you call your principal Daddy?’ and she said ‘of course.’.”
I raised an eyebrow. I was skeptical, to say the least. Even then I knew AVIDBeard was not a reliable source. But, on the off chance she was telling the truth I had to know. CHS wasn’t exactly full of friendly teachers. In fact, where everyone at SHS had been welcoming, it had been the very opposite at CHS. They treated me like an outsider they were skeptical of. I had managed to at least have somewhat of a dialogue with the librarian. She helped me to ensure that my ESL students had books in their native languages to read during the pandemic. I went to her one day to ask about scheduling some book pick-ups for the students (this was when teachers were on-campus but students were virtual).
“Hey, can I ask you something?” I asked after we had figured out scheduling.
“Sure, what’s up?” she asked.
“OK, so it’s dumb, but someone told me you guys call Mr. D ‘daddy’. Silly, right?” I said with a laugh.
She just blinked, “Who told you that?”
Her reaction caught me off guard. She wasn’t laughing. My eyes widened, “Um, I don’t remember, it just got mentioned in passing.”
“Don’t ask anyone else that question…just…don’t even mention it,” she said.
I blinked. I wanted out of this conversation, “OK, I won’t. I’ll just forget I ever heard about it.”
She nodded and turned away, “I have work to do. If you need more books let me know.”
I rushed back to my classroom. After that, the librarian was very cold toward me.
To this day I honestly believe that the reason Mr. D didn’t hire me was because I’m too strong-willed and I have a big mouth…neither fits well into a cult-like structure, which it is very obvious CHS is.
At the semester break, they hadn’t yet hired anyone and asked me to stay for the rest of the year as a long-term sub. Basically, they wanted to pay me sub pay for an entire year of teaching. I told them ‘no way’ and I begged the district and Mr. Principal to let me return to subbing at SHS. I didn’t even care that regular sub pay was less than long-term sub pay. I just wanted out…and it turns out it all worked in my favor because obviously Mr. Principal ended up hiring me for the very job that Mr. D rejected me from and I’m very happy where I am now. And I don’t even have to call Mr. Principal ‘daddy’. Gag! Say what you will about Standard High, but I’ll take it over CHS any day.
OK, I know that was a lot of backstory, but I truly need you to understand why I so vehemently loathe everything about CHS and moreover why even being there gives me a mild case of PTSD.
Alright then, where were we? Oh yeah. Meeting for Graphic Design teachers over at CHS. I was not happy about this because I hate being at CHS of course, but I also hated leaving my students with a sub this close to the end of the year. But, alas, there I was. I walked into the familiar, loathsome halls. Daddy was in the main hall greeting his subjects.
“Mandy? What are you doing here?” he asked as he looked me over. I was in full-school spirit mode. SHS staff shirt and matching school spirit Converse I had custom-made.
“Graphic Design meeting,” I said.
“Oh, you teach Graphic Design now?” he asked.
I nodded, “Yeah, I did so great at fixing their ESL program they gave me my true dream job and now I’m relaunching their graphic design program.” OK, so it was a bit of embellishment, but I wanted him to know that his loss was SHS’s gain.
“Shame…we have an ESL position open here at The Clique,” Mr. D said. That’s how he referred to his campus. Imagine if the school’s name was Blue Mountain High and he called it The Mountain. Yeah…cringey.
“Oh yeah? I heard Patty didn’t stay,” I said. Patty was who they hired instead of me. She ended up retiring after one year at ‘The Clique’.
“Yeah, well we hired Emmy to replace Patty and now she is leaving,” Mr. D said.
“Shame…yeah, I’m still at SHS and quite happy. I heard principals were turning to poaching from other high schools so I’ll save you the trouble. I’m not poachable,” I said, wanting to get away from him.
“You could have your old job in your old room,” Mr. D said in a tone that made me very uneasy.
“I have a perfectly lovely Cave. Besides, my husband works at SHS too and I like being on the same campus as the love of my life,” I said, pointedly.
“If you change your mind, let me know. Enjoy your meeting. Welcome back to The Clique,” Mr. D said as I quickly walked away to find the room Graphic Design was meeting in.
Now, this may come as a surprise to you all, but I am NOT a social creature. Truly. Beatle is my best friend and aside from Cali all my other friends are on the ReddX Discord (hence my desire to not get myself banned over there). And I am 150% ok with that. At that moment I wanted to be in my Cave more than anything. The pressure to be ‘on’ and social was beyond exhausting to me, especially this late in the year. But, always the professional, I mustered every bit of perky in me to be lovely to my other-campus counterparts.
This proved to be a challenge. One of them, more of a Karen than a Beard really, would not shut up about how amazing her campus was and how she never had issues with phones because her kids were so well-behaved. She also said she couldn’t post work early because they would have it done before they ever got to class. Oh, and of course she is teaching graphic design because she needed a break from her real job as an engineer. And oh, did she mention she is an engineer? Because she’s an engineer. She also went on and on about how she didn’t like the curriculum at another campus she was at so she complained and got 68 teachers from all over the country to back her up and they changed the whole curriculum to what she wanted. OK, whatever. I wanted to ask if everyone stood up and cheered too.
Another teacher was just insufferable. She kept asking for the same bloody stuff over and over even after being told it wasn’t in the budget. She didn’t know the cost of any of it, just that everything she wanted (think equipment and software licenses) was expensive and our budget is next to nothing right now. She didn’t even make arguments as to why we needed it. She just kept asking for the same stuff in the same way. All of it was stuff we didn’t need and most of us wouldn’t even use.
I contributed my thoughts on what I felt needed to be added to the curriculum, which was met with agreement. I really only had that one suggestion. The rest of the time I let them do their thing, which was woefully unorganized, disjointed, and overall a waste of time I could be grading papers. And so I decided that while they did their thing I would organize my Google Drive. As I was doing this I noticed something. I was still the owner on ALL the ESL files for SHS. Not just the ones I created…ALL OF THEM. If I were to hit delete SHS would literally have to start from scratch organizing their program with new teachers next year. But Ms. Dean did make clear I was to have nothing to do with ESL anymore. If I deleted the folders was that malicious compliance? Or just being a bitch for the sake of it? I still haven’t decided…I find the situation humorous, in not a bit morally ambiguous.
Ultimately, it was decided that 1 day wasn’t enough for our meeting so we would meet again one week later at the same place. I declined. I needed to be on my campus because I did have actual work to do. Grades would be due the day they wanted to meet. I wasn’t the only one. About half of the graphic design teachers agreed to meet again the following week and we would all be meeting again August 1st. So I get to start my school year back at ‘The Clique’. Lovely.
Yeah, this was a very real reminder that for all the beardery at Standard High, it could be SO much worse.

1. “Lunchtime!”

After that long mammoth of a tale that the last story was, here is a short one for you.
This happened the day after my meeting at CHS. Sonia wanted to end the school year with some team building so she asked Ms. Dean if they could have an off-campus team meeting at a nearby restaurant and grab some food. Ms. Dean told them no. Sonia then decided they would just order takeaway and do the same thing on campus. She reserved a conference room and everything.
So the day of the eat and meet came. Beatle had ordered some enchiladas and was looking forward to a hot meal during the workday. CovidBeard didn’t go because she said she wasn’t feeling well and needed to just go home early. I know that comes as a shock. Meanwhile, ManiBeard decided he would sit next to his bff, Beatle. ManiBeard hadn’t ordered any food because ‘the catering menu looked good, but nothing on the regular menu appealed to me’. What ManiBeard did have, however, was a bag of crackers. As Beatle tried to eat his food, ManiBeard both ate his crackers and talked at the same time. It didn’t take long for Beatle to realize that small bits of cracker crumbs were flying at him and his food. He shifted to the side to dodge the airborne particles that threatened to infect his space. It was here that ManiBeard declared he had signed his contract but still wasn’t sure if he would be back next year because he had until July 3rd to pull out of his contract and he really just didn’t want to make a commitment.
After the meeting, everyone went their own way, except ManiBeard, who cornered Beatle in the mudroom. I was in my Cave waiting for him when I got a text ‘SOS, I’ve been cornered! Mudroom!’
I sighed, “Come on Wee One. We have to go save Dad.”
Wee One chuckled, “Oh no.” She followed me faithfully as we headed downstairs.
“Oh, good, you’re here already. We gotta go Love. Wee One has that thing…see ya later ManiBeard!” I said as I grabbed Beatle’s arm as I passed and just kept walking.
The next day Beatle went into Sonia’s room for inclusion and she smiled at him, “Sure you got all the crumbs off?” she teased.
Beatle rolled his eyes, “Right?!”
Sonia nodded, “ManiBeard is why I don’t eat lunch in the workroom anymore. ManiBeard would walk over to me and just stand over me…like right over me…and talk while he ate which would just send food everywhere. One day he was eating some chicken salad and a piece of chicken flew out of his mouth and landed on my arm.”
“Oh bloody hell. That’s disgusting,” Beatle said before vowing not to be near ManiBeard eating ever again.

1. “Little Lies”

Ever since it was announced PastorBeard was the new dept head he had been walking around like a roster puffing out his chest. He had also been going out of his way to talk to Beatle, as if to rub in that he got the dept head job and Beatle didn’t. It was annoying, but I stayed out of it. I even played nice when PastorBeard stopped me in the parking lot one day and asked me about my weekend plans while I was waiting for Beatle.
“What are you plans this weekend, Mandy?” PastorBeard asked as he leaned against the side of my car.
“Oh, nothing major. Weekend chores. Beatle has some school work to get done and he’s going to put some snake repellant in the yard…I’ll probably clean the house and spend some time with my mum,” I said, trying to be pleasant as I could be. What I really wanted to do was to tell him he was a bastard that should never teach, let alone lead a dept.
“You should come to watch me on Sunday. I’m preaching his weekend,” he said with a smile. His tone came off like he intended it to be a flex.
I forced a smiled, “No thanks. Not my thing.”
“God isn’t ‘your thing’?” he asked, leaning towards me a bit.
I took a step back, “Not the same one you believe in.” I started absentmindedly playing with the Flower of Aphrodite pendant I wore around my neck.
“Are you Catholic or something?” he asked.
I fought the urge to roll my eyes. People presumed since Beatle was Irish that we were a Catholic family a lot. Instead, I shook my head, “No. Actually, if you must know, I’m Pagan.”
PastorBeard looked taken aback, “Oh…I see.”
“So, while I appreciate the invite…not my thing,” I said again.
“You should come anyway. I’d love to look out on Sunday and see you there. And who knows? If you hear what I have to say you may change your mind about being pagan,” PastorBeard said with a cocky smile.
I looked around hoping Beatle and Wee One were going to be there soon, “I doubt it…anyway…um…I hate to keep you on a Friday.”
“I’m not in a rush. You’re fine,” he said, “Did you hear I’m the new dept head?”
“Yeah. I know,” I said, “Beatle told me. He applied to you know.”
“I know. They need someone that is a strong leader for the job though, someone that can guide the dept the way I guide the church. They can’t pick someone with a weak personality. A man should be able to lead…his church, his work, and of course his wife,” PastorBeard said pointedly.
“Uh huh…a good leader knows when to defer to those wiser than he,” I said as I saw Beatle and Wee One, “Love! Hey!” I waved.
Beatle saw PastorBeard and looked unhappy, “Hi PastorBeard.”
“Have a good weekend you guys. See you later Mandy…think about my offer,” he said as he went and got into his truck that sat on tires far too big for it.
“What was that?” Beatle asked when we got in the car.
I shrugged, “He was either hitting on me or he was just being a pompous arse…or both. Hard to say.”
And we went on our way.
The next work day Beatle walked into the workroom and saw PastorBeard in there talking to Vera (the assistant mentioned in chapter 26.)
“Just do your best to set them up for success,” PastorBeard told Vera as he walked out of the workroom.
Vera sighed.
“Are you ok mate?” Beatle asked her.
Vera shook her head, “We’re almost done. Almost there.”
“What happened?” Beatle asked.
“Well, only 2 of the kids in that group in the hall workspace need my help,” Vera said pointing to a group outside PastorBeard’s room, “The others are kids missing work and PastorBeard kicked them out of the classroom. I’m supposed to watch them and make sure they behave but they already told me they aren’t going to do anything.”
Beatle’s expression went dark, “You’re a SPED assistant. Not a babysitter.”
“I know, but I’ve never seen him actually help anyone. He doesn’t go around the room to help. Just tells them to be quiet and pokes them. I don’t know why he feels the need to touch them. He tells them if they need help they can go to him and he just sits at his desk the whole time…but no one is gonna go to him for help because they don’t like him,” Vera vented.
Beatle sighed, “You know he’s dept head next year, right?”
“Oh, I know. He told me no one else wanted it,” Vera said sadly.
Beatle blinked, “No ma’am. I interviewed for it.”
“That’s just what I heard,” Vera said.
“He lied,” Beatle shook his head.
What PastorBeard didn’t know is that Beatle had something else in the works…we weren’t sure it would pan out at this point (as of this writing we still aren’t), but Beatle wasn’t going to take PastorBeard’s crap lying down…and for that, I was proud of him.

1. “Wrapping It Up”

3.5 days till summer. Grades were due. I sat at my computer to adjust the grade book and turned on some music. Not even kidding, ‘The Final Countdown’ was on the radio (yes, I listen to the radio. Satellite Radio to be precise). It was the perfect music for working on my end-of-year checklist. I felt like I was in a movie and this was my montage music!
We reached the point in the year when all the teachers were just playing movies. For my part, I was letting them watch the Super Mario Movie. I had some happy students. I also wrote Wee One a pass to spend the day in my room. She was done with her work and wanted to help me with some Graphic Design work for next year’s launch (we are launching an on-campus design firm). She asked me which workstation she could work at and I did the worst thing a mum can do to her child. I sat her next to my baby neckbeard. She started working but within 10 minutes she came to my desk.
“Mom…” she started.
I looked at her. “Excuse me?”
She sighed, “I’m sorry…Ms. Mandy?”
“Yes ma’am?” I asked her.
“Can I sit on the other side of the room…it’s less claustrophobic and I have a friend over there…” she trailed off.
I chuckled and leaned in so only she could hear me, “You don’t appreciate sitting next to the baby neckbeard?”
She looked sheepish, “Not really.”
“Can you smell him?” I asked.
She made a disgusted face, “Sort of, yeah.”
“OK, yes, go ahead and move,” I nodded.
In the meantime, Beatle was texting me:
Beatle: Why does ManiBeard always start class with “How are we?” instead of “How are you?”?
Mandy: Because that’s what’s in his programming.
Beatle: LMAO! Point. I will not miss him this summer. You know he said he is only helping with graduation because he didn’t help with either dance. I thought it was mandatory that we do one of the 1 dances.
Mandy: Sigh. 1) yes it is and I bet they got on him and forced him to help with graduation and 2) why the hell would they let him help with graduation? That event is stressful enough without adding ManiBeard to the mix.
Beatle: He said he rather work graduation because it’s his favorite event because he gets to see the kids move on.
Mandy: But he’s a freshman teacher. He doesn’t know many if any, seniors.
Beatle: I know! Oh, CovidBeard is leaving.
Mandy: WHAT?! FOREVER?!
Beatle: I’m watching her class for the rest of the period.
Mandy: Oh, just for today.
Beatle: Yeah. Don’t get too excited.
Mandy: Damn. 3.5 days left. Heaven forbid she stick it out.
Beatle: Right?
And right about the time I was hoping my Beard encounters were over. At least until graduation…it happened. I had to email EnglishBeard. Why? Because I needed one of his students (who happened to be one of my most talented graphic design students) to come to my class the next day during his class. I cringed at having to interact with him. I asked Beatle if I should even bother. “We’re not doing anything, why would he say no?” Beatle asked. “He’s a beard.” I replied. “Fair.” Beatle conceded.
Finally, I took a breath and started to type: “EnglishBeard, if it is alright with you, can Sara come to my class during 5th period tomorrow to do some Graphic Design work? Thanks, Mandy”
2 hours later, he replied, “What work? Why should I send her to an elective? My class is core.”
I sighed, “It’s ok if you are doing something in class. I just thought it would be ok if you are just watching movies.” I replied.
“We are just watching movies, but my class is still a core class and yours is not,” EnglishBeard replied.
“You are correct. However, Sara is going to be in my Graphic 3 class next year and I want to get all my Graphic 3 students together for a meeting before the end of the year and the rest of them are in my 5th period. If you don’t want to send her that is fine,” I replied.
“Ok, that would be fine. I will allow it,” EnglishBeard finally said.
I sighed and wrote a pass to give to Sara.
Meanwhile, in the English 1 meeting, Beatle was dealing with his own Beard.
“And the Beard came back….CovidBeard came back for the meeting,” Beatle texted me.
“WHY?!” I texted back.
“IDK! I’m spraying Lysol when she leaves the room. She’s like ‘I’m sitting here sweating. I have no idea what I have.’ I guess she came back for attention,” Beatle replied.
I sighed as I typed, “Probably.”
Why did all these Beards have to come back? Why couldn’t this be last year when we had the mass exodus of Beards? That was nice. I liked that.
Maybe they would get less beardy over the summer?
Probably not.

1. “Graduation Day”

Have you ever sat through a graduation ceremony? If you have you know how dull they are. Being part of it is even worse. Graduation in Australia was quite different, but when I graduated from college in America Beatle practically had to force me into the cap and gown. It was not something I have ever liked…so the irony that I volunteer every year (except next year when Wee One graduates) is not lost on me. Mostly, I do it because I know it means something to the kids to see their teachers there. That said, I silently curse in my head the entire time while making sure to smile, be peppy, and congratulate even the most ungrateful of students. While I don’t look back on my graduation fondly, some of them might and I want to help provide good memories.
Graduation isn’t just on that day either. The day before we have to participate in graduation practice, which is just as awful, if not worse. I did entertain myself by watching ManiBeard however.
We all gathered in the practice gym to line up and then once everyone was in place we processed into the main gym. The practice gym was so bloody hot that I was sweating. It was so bloody hot that ManiBeard actually took off his cardigan for the first time all year. I have now confirmed he does have arms under it. Bloke never takes off his cardigan/coat…even when the outside temp is 100+ in Fahrenheit. I further observed only to realize that they had, for some reason, put ManiBeard in the same row as 2 of the baby beards I’ve been observing over the course of the year. ManiBeard was as clueless as one might expect and had no idea how to manage the kids and telling them when to stand, when to sit, when to walk, etc. He made it through graduation practice, but I was seriously concerned about the next day. I was also concerned because I saw the gown they set aside for Mani. It was huge! He was going to look like a puppy wearing his owner’s sweater. Let the chaos commence!
And commence it did. Shortly after lunch Beatle texted me “OZZY ISN’T COMING BACK! WHAT THE HELL IS EVEN GOING ON AROUND HERE?!”
Remember Ozzy? The other Australian on campus? Yeah, evidently he said, “this really isn’t something I foresaw happening. It is something I needed to do. But please, I don’t want to make it seem like I’m excited to leave. I’m not. It’s actually been really hard packing up my things.” Ozzy had been around since the campus opened in 2016. It was a true shock to see him leave and Beatle was very distraught over it. Honestly, so was I.
After school Beatle barrelled into his classroom, “OK, mate, what the hell is going on?”
The conversation was private so I’m not going to detail it, but I will say that circumstances happened so that Ozzy had to go back to Australia. He was not happy about it. He said he thought he would retire from Standard High, but life happens. This was a blow, but we wish him the best.
I found out later that night that ManiBeard managed to out-beard himself. He did the beardiest thing he’d ever done.
“Did you guys meet today in E1?” I asked Beatle.
“Yeah, but it was more social than a meeting,” Beatle replied.
“ManiBeard? Social? How did that go?” I asked.
Beatle chuckled, “ManiBeard wasn’t there.”
“Why?” I asked.
“Because he miscalculated all his grades and had to redo them,” Beatle said.
I froze as I tried to register what he said. Finally I spoke, “But our gradebook is automated. We don’t calculate anything. We put in the number and bam…grades. How the hell did Mani manage to ‘miscalculate’ grades?”
“No idea, but admin wasn’t happy. They sent in Lana to guide him through it,” Beatle said.
I laughed, “Oh my god! After everything he did to keep Lana out of his room she ended up fixing his gradebook? The irony is too delicious! This has got to be the beardiest thing he has ever done. How the fuck do you miscalculate grades in and automated gradebook?!”
Beatle shrugged, “Talent?”
The next morning (THE LAST DAY OF SCHOOL) an email started circulating from teachers that were worried about getting left at the arena we were holding graduation in. They wanted to ensure the bus wouldn’t leave them behind. Beatle and I watched as the emails flooded our inboxes. ManiBeard: “I need a ride too.” EnglishBeard: “Don’t leave me behind!” HistoryBeard: “I look like too much of an escaped inmate to safely hitchhike. Don’t leave me either.” MathBeard:I need the bus to get back to school.”
It was at that point I texted my brother to see if he could pick Beatle and I up after graduation. To be clear, we have to ride the bus over with students so taking our own car wasn’t an option…but riding the BeardBus home did not appeal to either of us. I like getting fodder for stories, but I’m not a complete sadomasochist. My brother agreed and I felt relief wash over me.
Beatle and I ended up combining our classes in my Cave for the last day because we bought breakfast tacos and donuts for the kids and it was easier to combine classes than to try to split the food. So, most of the last day was the kids eating and playing Mario Kart on our Switch. It was pretty fun. I did leave the kids with Beatle at one point so I could go down to Cook’s kitchen and do my department check-out stuff. When I say Cook had a professional kitchen that is not hyperbole. The culinary kitchen at Standard High is anything but standard. We’re talking a state-of-the-art kitchen that any head chef would be in awe of. It’s truly a thing to behold and for high school students? Yeah, it is pretty bloody great. Oh, and the cutting boards…let me tell you about the numerous cutting boards!
…I’m kidding Red! Just kidding!
But yeah, the kitchen is pretty great. Anyway, when I went into said kitchen, MediaBeard was in there doing his check-out as well. When he saw me he smiled and turned to me.
“Mandy, thank you so much for everything you did for me this year. It was a rough year and you had my back. I truly appreciate you, thank you,” he said as he hugged me.
I hugged him back, “Aww, mate…I got ya. Anytime. Next year will be better.”
When I said back in Chapter 1 that MediaBeard was certainly a Beard, but one of the ‘good’ beards, this is what I meant. Yes, he can be a bit…well…beardly. But, the bloke has a good heart. And I am glad he will be back next year. I’m going to try to mentor him now that I’m settled in graphic design. I am also glad he will not be Wee One’s teacher next year. She’s decided to take graphic design 3 and animation 1 which means she will have me as her teacher for 3 out of 8 periods. Come to find out she likes me as her teacher. And I’m pretty hard on her. She said I made her better. I must be doing something right!
Cook has 100% become my work Mum and I adore her. She plans to have a department soiree before school starts and for the first time ever I’m actually looking forward to going to a department function, solely because of Cook. She is amazing.
Finally, as long last, the 2022-2023 school year ended. All the non-senior students left and the seniors arrived.
Beatle and I scarfed our lunch down and headed to the gym… this is where graduation truly begins.
I put my gown on over my work clothes as did Beatle. We sat together and chatted for a bit before he went to his row to help organize kids. I was left sitting alone in my row as the students filed in. And, as I usually do in these situations, I started to observe my surroundings and live a bit in my own head.
I saw some teachers grouped up talking and laughing near me. For a moment I felt that loneliness I felt all through school (until I met Beatle). I had a moment of feeling like that ‘weird blonde kid’ again. I guess it never really goes away. It was a reminder that from the day we met (see SquirrelBeard for that story) Beatle has always been where I fit. Does anyone else ever have a moment of reversion like that? Where even as an adult you remember how it was to be an outcast at 15 or whatever? Maybe it’s just me? Maybe it’s because I work in a high school?
In any case, I snapped out of it and looked around. What caught my eye was a pair of BRIGHT crimson skinny jeans. And the wearer? ManiBeard. OF COURSE! He also had on a plain white t-shirt with the district logo on it that we got free at the start of the year and Van trainers. What was the dress code for this event that admin had explicitly given us the day before? Dress pants and a Polo or button-up for men or a suit for men, a dress or nice pants and shirt for women, dress shoes, and absolutely no jeans, trainers, or t-shirts. Yeah. For Beatle’s part he had on black pants and a black button-up shirt with a tie. He looked good. It was also the first time he got to wear his Master’s hood at a graduation, which was pretty frickin cool too! I had on black pants and a nice shirt. Anyway…ManiBeard…right…so he wore EXACTLY what admin said don’t wear. Cause…ManiBeard. And I was right, his gown made him look like a puppy wearing his owner’s sweater. It would have been cute if it was anyone but Mani. Instead he just looked robotic and lost. And, exactly like I suspected, he didn’t talk to any of the kids. He didn’t even congratulate them. Probably because he teachers 9th graders and didn’t know any of these kids and had no connection to them. Beatle knew a lot of them. These were the kids that he taught his first year as freshmen so he had seen them through all 4 years. It was emotional for him.
It was around this time I turned around and noticed paramedics in the hall. I later found out a student (one of mine actually) had a seizure. I had seen them roll a kid out of the building on an office chair but I didn’t know who under Mr. Principal told me later. As all of this was happening APBeard said they put a sign up sheet on the stage for any teacher that needed to take the bus back to campus after the ceremony. A bunch of teachers headed to the stage. One that looked like a textbook beard said, as he walked past me, “that would be all of us. Like any of us can afford an Uber with what they pay us.” I raised an eyebrow and looked the man over. “That has GOT to be HistoryBeard” I thought to myself. Beatle ran up behind me.
“See that bloke up there…the one at the sign up sheet right now?” Beatle asked me quietly.
“Yeah,” I said.
“That’s HistoryBeard,” he confirmed.
“I knew it! I knew that had to be him. Damn, he is a beard and it’s not even just on the inside,” I said.
Beatle shook his head, “No, he’s one that is beard inside and out.”
I shuttered as Beatle returned to his seat.
About 45 minutes later we boarded the bus and headed to the arena. I hoped everything would be smooth sailing from there, but that would have been WAY too easy.
So, I need to paint a bit of a picture here…have you ever been backstage at an arena? It’s not a huge space…and when you put a couple hundred people back there…it’s a tight fit. We were lucky to have a 2 inch radius around us. Personal space does not exist when you cram everyone back there. And we had to line up in order. Each row had a letter. It seemed everything was fine. My row was in order…but something felt off. That’s when I realized whoever set the signs up doesn’t know the bloody alphabet because instead of A, B, C, D, E, F, G it went A, B, C, D, E, G, F. I was in row F. I realized the error but I also wasn’t about to move anything without telling an AP. So I found an AP that said he had to find another AP and 3 APs later I was told to swap Rows F and G. I helped correct the signed and then we had to shift the rows with VERY little space. It was…something.
It was hot, cramped, and miserable. Beatle told me later some of the kids in his row snuck back into a supply room and were stealing popcorn. It was in the moments of being back stage I remembered why last year I said to myself ‘never again, I’m never doing graduation again’. I’m really not next year cause of Wee One and I’ll probably forget the year after and volunteer again. Cause teacher brain. Anyway, it was finally go time and we walked out, sat down, and the ceremony started. All done? Not quite.
For the sake of wrapping this up I’ll quickly list the crap that happened during the ceremony:

1. Someone in the stands called to a kid ‘you look like ET but we love you anyway!’ to which a graduate yelled back ‘you’re an asshole’. Classy.
2. ManiBeard was clueless and lost. He may as well have not even been there because he was mostly just in the way.
3. The boys decided it was great fun to pretend to fall on stage just before the got to Mr. Principal. This happened 4 times. A 5th pretended he was about to fall then twerked instead. Again, classy. Ladies and gentleman, our future.
4. A boy in the row in front of me turned around and was using his program to sword fight with a boy in my row. I gave them the ‘mom/teacher look’ and they both got a panicked look and said ‘sorry ma’am’ before sitting straight for the rest of the ceremony. Maybe Wee One is right. Maybe I am scary.
5. MediaBeard made the senior video and it was awful. I have a hard time believing he worked ‘in the industry’. Next year I’m going to see if he will let me do some graphic design templates for him. It will be part of my proposal to mentor him.
6. Remember how I mentioned observing several baby neckbeards during bus duty? 3 graduated and 1 baby legbeard did as well. I discovered they were 2 sets of twins. Is there a beard gene? More research is needed but this is good data.

And then graduation was over. Beatle and I checked with Number One and were cleared to leave. Brother picked us up and we headed to dinner (where Brother once again came very close to getting the name BrotherBeard) and summer began.
And that concludes this year of School of Beards. If there is any demand I will be back in the fall because with all the beards returning I am sure to have a new batch of tales. I sincerely want to thank everyone that had come on this journey with me, Red for reading (and being a mate), and Beatle for supporting me and allowing me to share his stories. I mostly want to thank everyone that has listened to Red read these stories because that is the most amazing thing…hearing these stories read and getting his insight. I do appreciate it more than I can say. Keep an eye out for the rest of BowserBeard this summer and maybe a couple of one-offs.
Now, to end this year I decided to try my hand at my first parody song. Apologies if it’s not very good. Like I said, it’s my first one. I hope it doesn’t suck!
“BeardSchool’s Out” (Parody of “School’s Out” by Alice Cooper)
Well, we got no choice
But to hear the noise
Listenin to the beards’ voice
The poor girls and boys
Well, we can't escape ya
Can't find an out
And when they start to shout Education’s in doubt
BeardSchool's out for summer
Beards go into slumber
Beardschool makes us shutter
No more Mani
No more English
No more preacher's judgment, yeah
Well, Mani can’t control his class
And Pastor’s got the Principal And the students pay the price
We can't even think about next year
BeardSchool's out for summer
Beards go into slumber
Beardschool makes us shutter
No more Media
No more Math Emails
No more two-faced Dean
Out for summer
Out 'til fall
Do the beards have to come back at all
Beards go slumber
BeardSchool's out for summer
Watch the Beards lumber
BeardSchool’s out till August

Hi everyone! I moved to NJ from the south for med school, and I want to find some babysitting jobs in my area to earn a some extra money over the summer. I have 8 years of experience, tons of parent references, CPR and BLS training, specific experience with infants and young children, etc. What’s the going rate for an experienced babysitter here? I’d imagine it’s different from where I’m from. I don’t want to undervalue myself but also don’t want to ask too much. Thanks!

I am miserable. Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I will always be miserable.
I am majorly resentful of my husband. I cannot seem to shake the things he has said to me. He has threatened me numerous times. Never physically, but always financially. He has threatened me with our house, children and even my dog. He has told me he’ll start world war 3 if I leave him. He thinks it’s funny to say “I’m never leaving” and it’s like he says this to antagonize me. His ex-wife left him by surprise when he was away on business and never spoke to him again. Now I know why.
When I was postpartum I was having a hard time with a new baby and young child while he was away on business. I texted him about it and he responded by telling me I’m a c*nt and he takes screenshots of what I say to him. I don’t know how to ever trust him again after finding out my own husband would use private messages to hurt me.
I do not have a relationship with his family and a lot of this is his doing. His parents have a history of disastrous relationships and estrangements but my husband hasn’t helped the situation either. Early on in our marriage he was bad mouthing me to his parents. I saw a text where his sister told him she’d find him a pit bull attorney to go after me.
He is a functioning alcoholic and acts like a fool after two drinks. He is unable to make friends because of how he acts. He brags and boasts about himself. He talks about money and superficial things. He cannot read a room or figure out when to say something or when not to. I find myself cringing when I’m around him. He doesn’t have a single friend from high school or college.
He is controlling of me. I find myself 40 without any friends. My entire life I had plenty of friends and a social life. Not any more.
I dislike having sex with him. He only likes morning sex. There isn’t a connection. He wakes up with a boner and reaches for the woman next to him. I am very sexual and adventurous. We are a bad match.
Of course there’s the typical imbalance of emotional labor. I have to plan everything. I also have a FT job. Our salaries are very similar but of course my job isn’t respected by him as much. Even leaving the house requires me to pack the diaper bag, know the nap schedule etc. All he has to do is show up for a family vacation. I have to book everything, pack the kids clothes, buy the clothing. I have a sense of dread going on a family vacation and the list of buying flip flops, swim diapers, swimsuits, sunscreen, which car seat do we take on the airplane, sleeping arrangements for the kids at the hotel, scheduling the babysitter, boarding the dog etc. I feel like he using me.
But I have 2 kids. We live in a beautiful home in an upscale community. Life is comfortable. I seem to be the only miserable one. Maybe I’m just a miserable person?
Sometimes I think the only way I can get away unscathed is to leave. Without the kids. Just let him stay in this house and I leave.

In her video essay about the consumerist aspect of Harry Potter, Verily Bitchie notes how from the very beginning Harry Potter was praised for “getting kids into reading” Indeed there was a lot of encouragement and acknowledgment from parents and teachers who are overwhelmingly female. Women are over represented as caretakers from parents and babysitters to teachers not to mention librarians and I think in no small part because Harry Potters strong word of mouth came from the many women who embody these roles and who I have a suspicion were overjoyed to see a woman author doing so well, not to mention the fact that boys were reading her novels despite sexist and patriarchal attitudes that so result go unchallenged. (At this rate it’s standard for girls to be encouraged or generally interested in traditionally masculine interests or media content, but we don’t really challenge boys to do the same with anything considered un-masculine)
Additionally, Rowling herself was frequently upheld as a role model for millennials to reach for the stars. How many times as kids did we hear, “JK Rowling had to go through 12 different publishers.” or more often “JK Rowling was writing on napkins unable to afford to heat her apartment!” Which Rowling herself actually dispelled in an interview. Never mind the fact that Rowling received a grant to finish the books from the Scottish Arts Council or the fact that the cafe she wrote in was co-owned by her ex-brother in law at the time.
Barack Obama was not above perpetuating the myth of JK Rowling’s rags to riches. When I was 15, Obama addressed high school students in a nationally broadcast address where he treaded the tired old story about JK Rowling going through publishers and the importance of persistence. This sentiment, lobbed one year into the global recession just reads as incredibly tone deaf and outdated. Was it too much to provide us a healthier and less ambitious as mythologized role model?
I find two problems with this narrative. No 1, this can-do-attitude style undermines the relevance of massive institutions and systems. Publishing is incredibly competitive and 12 rejections is the lesson that should have been taken from that story. Then of course there’s poverty and the freedom to create that financial security and independence brings with leisure time. No 2, this is the kind of astronomical success and cultural cache that only one person can enjoy in a generation. Aside from being more privileged than we were told by the media and misinformed parents and teachers, I can’t help but feel that some of the success of Harry Potter is in some ways accidental. This is not to say the books didn’t have something to them or that Rowling is a crap writer (she’s not) but rather that it wasn’t that alone that got them to where they are. It’s like telling kids if they practice their instruments hard enough they can become The Beatles or The Rolling Stones.
The UK publisher only read the first 60 pages until his daughter convinced him to publish the book. Sometimes these kinds of chances are that arbitrary. How many other authors out there went to 12 different publishing houses with work just as good as JK’s and didn’t have an executive’s child on their side?
It really makes you think about the quality of writing that publishers expect and the biases they inhabit and the whims they can be persuaded on.
Another interesting thing to take note of, Verily Bitchie also mentions how 3 days after the UK publication of the first book, Scholastic won the bidding war for the US publishing rights of the first novel and purchased it for $105,000 which was “practically unheard of a the time for a children’s novel” remarking on the marketing speculation and merchandise tie-ins they saw latent in the text.
So much has been made of Rowling as a writer and who she is as a person, but I think not everyone talks about her as a role model.
The danger of holding her up as a role model of hard work, talent and persistence Is this her success is more a matter of winning the lottery. Not because her books eventually sold and enjoyed popularity but because no other living author has enjoyed this amount of success or even had this kind of a book to franchise business model. That aspect is like winning the lottery and the problem I see with it is that more realistic and achievable goals like, having a stable income, being debt free, having a job you like that is not a detriment to your well being is not seen as enough or even as “successful”
I really blame not JK but the educators, parents and politicians who told us to look to a woman who spawned a $10 billion dollar franchise as a model of success. Who failed to model more attainable and less outer space aspirational examples of success in our lives on the eve of a global recession and the decline of homeownership and the ability to afford basic living expenses.

I (18f) have been living with my mother (49f) and my brother; let’s just call him Steve (20m) just the 3 of us for the last 6 years.
We’ve lived in a small farming community for a while now and we have hated it the whole time. We’ve wanted to move for years, in fact at one point Steve went to live with our deadbeat dad (49m) for 2 years and then with our older brother Mark (32m) for a year. He dropped out of high school and only had a job for about 2 years before he just quit. I struggled really hard throughout school my whole life and barely graduated high school last summer and haven’t gotten around to getting a job yet, which is 100% completely utterly my fault.
I’m an adult and have never had a job, and I don’t have a car or my license, because I haven’t “gotten around to it”. My mom had been working at a place I will not name for our privacy for about 4 years now, but sometime last year she had a mental health downfall… she started going to doctor after doctor and they kept pushing her meds when she told them she didn’t like how they made her feel. Eventually she got put on disability and stopped going to work. That was 10 months ago…. She made significantly less on disability than she did when she went to work.
In October of last year we got a notice on our door saying we had 30 days to pay rent or we would be evicted. At that point we hadn’t paid rent since August, because money was super tight. After the 30 days we never got anything in the mail or anything so we just shrugged it off and basically squatted in our house. Around that time was when Steve moved back from our brother Mark’s house.
The rental office never acted on evicting us, until last week on Wednesday. They sent the sheriff to our door and he said we had 7 days to get out. So over the week we packed up everything we owned and put it all in a storage unit. My best friend, let’s call her Jess, was the only one outside of us that knew we were evicted. I got in trouble with my mom for even telling her in the first place but in the end she helped us move our stuff into the unit. I’m forever grateful for Jess 🩷.
During that 7 days we had gone to every housing crisis place we could think of; we applied for the section 8 waitlist, temporary housing, Salvation Army, etc. but we never qualified for anything because my mom makes $5 over the qualification for cash aid, which cash aid was one of the things that would have gotten us into 9 out of 10 places we applied for. We’re homeless but not poor enough to qualify for any type of help. What kind of bs is that?
Day 7 after the sheriff came, we were packing the rest of our lives into cardboard boxes when he came back and changed our locks. We had an hour to get our pets and the rest of our belongings.
My mom refused to let Steve and I tell our older brother Mark and Jack about anything that was going on because she didn’t want their money, she believed we had everything under control. We didn’t…
After we finally got the rest of our things out of the house and into the unit or our tiny Chevy impala… we drove around for a few hours until we ended up at a truck stop to sleep at for the night..
We lived in our car for 3 days with 2 cats and 3 small dogs… on day 3 Steve finally told our oldest brother, Jack, what was going on because he was tired of lying. Jack lives across the country from us, so he told our other brother Mark and now we’re currently staying at his house. He wasn’t mad that we lost our house, he was just upset he didn’t know….
Mark wants Steve and i to stay here, but in 4 days I’m supposed to go back across state, back to where I used to live, because I’m having a surgery. I would love to stay here and be a permanent babysitter for my niece and my nephews, but Mark is allergic to cats. My cat got me out of a really really rough spot in my life, and I don’t think I can handle leaving him behind… especially after I just lost the place I call my home. Mark and his wife Emma say that if they were in my situation they would kick the cat to the curb….
I don’t know… this kinda just turned into rambling because I’m a little drunk and there’s tears running down my face.
Basically, I’m that person who can’t fucking catch a break….. someone please tell me what to do….
Do I stay homeless and wait for my mom to get on the section 8 list and keep my cat, or do I do what Marcus said and get rid of him and come live here and get a job, license and my own apartment (eventually).
(Also; I’ve tried for days to find a foster for my baby until I can get a place by myself, but none of my friends can do it and I don’t want to to send him to someone one who wants to keep him permanently… I need my baby.
Backstory for the cat: I got him 2 months after Covid-19 caused everything to shut down. Around that time, I had a really bad falling out with my dad, and I was very close to committing…. alivn’t… I found him under my patio furniture, covered in feces and spiderwebs, he was only like three weeks old. He needed me because he was very small. I thought he was gonna die because he needed his mom and she left him (I sat outside with him for hours, waiting to see if his mother would come back and she didn’t.), so I was very determined to bring him back to health, so he wouldn’t die. In the end, he kept me alive more than I did him. He’s my best friend, my whole heart, I cannot leave him anywhere with anyone that I don’t trust, and I don’t trust very many people….
(TLDR: I got evicted and have the option to live with my brother if I get rid of the cat that kept me from suicide for the last 3 years)
Someone please help me…… Tell me what to do… I don’t know what to do….

candyland legacy~
gen 1 : Milky Way
you were always not “normal”. you were way different by color, flavor, and social skills you wanted to show them that it’s normal~ build your way up to fame (LOTS of friends) and You! {firstname} will show them all different is awesome
traits: cheerful,outgoing, and good
aspiration:friend of the world(reasoning is you want everyone to try chocolate!)
gen 1 rules: must be a social influencer career (So you can influence people to eat chocolate
rule 2: have 7(or more) children (who will be named after sour patch colors)
rule 3: while ur pregnant make 5 friends each times(which will give you 35 friends or more, spouse can count if want).
Rule 4:spouse must not have a job.(Change if you want)
Rule 5: complete ur aspiration
Rule 6:Finish Charisma Skill.
gen 2:purple sour patch
since you had 6 other siblings you were always the one to make sacrifices unfairly .but now since ur grown up you are used to it. Ur gloomy till you find “the one”.
Traits :flirty,neat, and gloomy(swap gloomy out with outgoing after you meet the one)
aspiration: love aspiration (any)
rule 1:find ur loved one at a place you like (in ur save )
rule :2 unless ur a man your spouse can’t move in with you till you're married .
Rule 3: max children is 3. adopted children won’t count
Rule 4:Finish cooking skill
Extra options for gen:2
cats and dogs: buy a brown cat or dog (to look like ur mom/chocolate
spa day: at least once go with a daughteor spouse to the spa
Gen 3: skittles
you were in love with a really famous Dead French artist(died 80000 years ago) (not ❤️ but you appreciated their work) and you wanted to be like them since u were a kid.but you figured something out! UR RELATED!!! You also listened to EVERYTHING and did what everyone said
Traits:art lover,foodie, and good
Aspiration;any art inspired one
rule 1: master art skill:
Rule 2: sell your paintings
rule 3: have children with ur childhood best friend
rule 4:divorce them after reading a book to divorce your spouse(remember you listen to everything
Rule 5:eco living:city living: buy or make a artist/French decorated apartment
optionals for gen 3
pack: dine out: go on a “date” with mom and granny
pack: growing together: have sleepovers for ur kids
Pack:knifty knitting:knit when u become an elder
Gen 4:candy corn
you were raised as a nice respectful lady/man but you were always a delinquent. You were tired of ur moms arts
traits:mean evil and foodie
Aspiration:any mischief one
Rule 1:as a teen run away (you can comeback but not needed to
rule 2:Have 2 boyfriends and try for baby’s with both of them the same day and take a pregnancy test AFTER you tried for a baby with both
Rule 3: have 1 child
rule 4: master mischief and charisma.
rule 5: get people to break up/hook up with other people
rule 6. Join criminal career
gen 4 optionals
werewolves and get to work: Date an Alien and a werewolf
gen 5:nerds
even tho you grew up with a criminal
You have learned to not steal,bully,gaslight anyone or anything.You have been made fun of for being a little “smartie pants”
traits:geek, nice, and foodie
aspiration:computer whiz
rule 1: get an A In school before aging to a YA
rule 2: visit your grandparents/Parents every Time you have a child
Rule 3: marry ur baby daddy as an elder.
Rule 4:stay “healthy” take jogs or go to the gym SOMETIMES
optionals for gen 5:
High school years; visit copperdale some days and see old teachers
Gen 6: charms blow pops
u BEGGED ur mom to bring you to the gym, you were always athletic.As a kid you were the fastest In the class
traits;athletic,outgoing,
aspiration; athletic one (I forgot the name
rule 1 :have a home gym in ur house
rule 2: Marry ur spouse at a gym/or a nice park
rule 3:jog everyday
rule 4: have 4 children
rule 5: master athletic skill
Gen 6: optionals
Cats and dogs; have cats and dogs
island living;live in sulani and swim in the water
Gen 7: Cotton Candy
you were always a sweetie pie. You have wanted to run a homeless shelter, hospital , or an unlimited animal shelter
traits:outgoing cheerful and flirty
aspiration:friend of the world
Rule 1: have NO negative relationships to anyone
Rule 2: invite ur mom over to work out together
Rule 3:be best friends with ur mom or ur heir
Rule 4:”buy” a plot and make it ur family graveyard
Rule 5:Have 7 children
Rule 6:Master Charisma Skill
optional for gen 7:
Paranormal:talk to ghosts for fun
get together ;make a club with ur good friends and hang at ur place a lot
Gen 8:starburst
you have always believed zodiacs define ur personality. ur friends find that as a negative but still like you
Traits;good,family oriented, and whateva else you want
aspiration; any
rule 1:master charisma to gaslight people to believe zodiacs
Rule 2: go to magnolia promenade and buy soaps
Rule 3:name ur children after zodiacs (except ur heir
Rule4: must be a babysitter for a career
Rule 5: marry ur spouse as soon as y’all meet
Rule 6: have identical twins
Gen 9;air head
you have loved air more then water,fire, and earth. u have gotten surgery to look like a balloon. You will do anything for the air
Traits:out going,And whatever else
Aspiration;ur choice
rule 1:master any skill
Rule 2: have 2-3 children
Rule 3:complete element collection
Rule 4: make ur spouse cheat on you sit ur twin
Rule 5; after getting cheated on LOVE Taylor swift
Rule 6: live on a home with a balcony
Gen 10:gummy bear
You have been different to the rest of the family… YOU WERE A BEAR!!
traits:evil(you rawr at people) foodie, and art lover
aspiration:Any!
Rule 1: have children with a werewolf
Rule 2: live in a forest
Rule 2: wear a bear costume(can be cc or maxis made)
Rule 4; master charisma and a skill of ur choice
Rule 5; have parties at ur family graveyard (which Cotten candy set up:
Thank You For reading!

Tl;dr
I (37f) have been married to my husband (34m) for almost 10 years. He was very possessive at the beginning of our relationship and if I have to be honest I felt pressured into getting engaged. I lost my best friend in the process because he didn't think it was a healthy relationship, and I felt so lost that I threw myself into the wedding planning and committed to something I wasn't ready for, but I was just so scared of ending up alone that I didn't think twice.
Once we got married, all the romantic gestures went out the window. I was lonely, and any kind of reaching out was met with icy indifference. It was like he got what he had wanted and went into autopilot.
He needs to be in control of everything at all times, and he has taken over every single thing in our house. The things that I thought I would enjoy about being someone's wife one day - cooking, cleaning, laundry, creating a home - he's taken it all. He literally does everything. And if I ever try to tell someone about how it feels I'm met with "wow, you're so lucky!" But I've lost myself in all this. I feel like I would never be able to look after myself without him, and it hurts to say this, but I think that is what he wants, ultimately. He has an insane fear of not being needed, of not being in control, (which is a result of a super traumatic past).
Our place is cold and empty has had no character for years, until recently it looked like a man was living here alone. I can sense how nobody feels comfortable being here, and I dont either. I used to be very creative and painted my walls and had quirky furniture and little comfort nooks and listened to music all the time. Since I've known him we only listen to what he likes. We eat what he likes. We only watch what he watches. I used to stay up late and get up late, but early evening he would already close the curtains and switch off all the lights/tv even if I'm still busy, because his bedtime is everyone's bedtime. I feel like I have no right to exist as my own person.
When I try to claim some piece of my own space, like if I mop the floor or do some spring cleaning, 5 minutes later he will mop it again. If I moved something or tried to redecorate, he used to move it back (it's better now, but I have to change things very slowly and prepare him weeks in advance).
If I say I'd like to do laundry, he would say I can do it anytime, as long as it is when he wants, which is first thing in the morning. I'm not a morning person, but I would set my alarm for when he usually does it and then I would get downstairs and he would have already gotten up earlier to do it before I could get to it, and then would say if I wanted to do it, I should have woken up ealier.
This is all fine, it's about boundaries and I can only blame myself for not having any. But I am so lonely, and I feel like I've let myself down, my younger self who believed in true love and happily ever after. I dont really have friends (putting it lightly), apart from his friends. I dont have anyone to talk to about it. And I know I'm to blame, so what is there to talk about, really?
What kills me is that he is always at least a room's distance from me. He's either making food or cleaning, or if we are sitting down to eat he will get up the whole time to do stupid things like lock the garage door or take out the trash or clean the dishes while our food gets cold, it's like he can't stand being near me. He never makes eye contact. But he complains if I want to be alone or do something by myself, he always insists on coming with me. When I work late he tells me he misses me and that I should prioritize our marriage.
It makes no sense, for instance if I get sick (and I'm a real man flu kinda gal, I'm dramatic), he would avoid me like the plague, if I get hurt, he wont even flinch or ask if I'm okay. Before we got married, he used to drop everything and buy me flowers and gifts and sit by my side for hours if I only had a little cough. He used to remind me that nobody would ever love and care for me like he did. It felt over the top then, but I just thought he was a romantic.
And now it is completely the opposite. This one time I had a really bad fall, like ankle and leg facing the wrong way morphine drip ambulance ride kinda fall, and when I phoned him and asked him to come home he casually walked in about 20 minutes later (his job is 5 minutes away) and just sighed when he saw me. No rushing towards me, no trying to comfort me, none of his initial concern, just a look of disgust, and the whole time while we waited for the ambulance he was standing in the other corner of the room with his arms folded and looking annoyed that he's missing out on something. Even recently when I confronted him about it he said that he was just worried and that's how it is. Anything since then is the same thing, no sign of caring, looking annoyed, physical distance.
But at the same time I'm his whole world and he would do absolutely anything for me.
From his side, he feels like he sacrifices all of himself to take care of me, even though I do not want it and have tried so many times to show him I do not need it either. He says it's the only way he knows how to show me he loves me. But love for me means closeness and late night conversations and experiencing life together. Most nights I also sleep alone, his excuse is that he thought he would give me some space and go sleep in the guest bedroom, but this has been going on for years. Then he would complain about how I never spend time with him or sleep with him or meet his basic needs. I literally do not understand it at all.
And on the other hand, if he does come near me, he only wants crazy super lustful sex. This type of contact he wants all the time, but afterwards it's like I don't exist. I am not interested in giving something like that to someone I feel no connection with, and I literally want to die when he becomes distant again afterwards.
So he's unhappy and I am unhappy, but not at the same time. When we talk it is only about work or about the things he wants to do to me, but I want to talk about our day and our brilliant little kid and make plans for the future and discuss bigger things. It seems he is content with working, eating and sleeping, but I want so much more.
We've been to a therapist, actually 3. The first one told me I should be grateful and allow him to take charge of the relationship and accept that he is the master of the home. In a moment of sanity I used the opportunity to break off the engagement and break up with the therapist too because how is that even something you say to someone?! Maybe she didn't realise the extent. Maybe I sugarcoated it because I am a pathological people pleaser. But soon after, he suffered a tremendous loss and had nobody, and before I knew it we were engaged again, and in no time, married. And he became master.
The honeymoon was wonderful, but the moment we got home was when everything just went to hell. Another therapist gave us love language homework and while I did mine dilligently every week, he would just agree with my answers and say how great it was working for us, and when I would object and say I'm not happy, they would both look at me like I'm the most ungrateful person in the world.
The third therapist threatened to put me in a mental institution away from my son because I was clearly hysterical and a danger to myself, because how could anyone be upset over a man who does the cooking and cleaning and agrees on therapy, and the only way I could get out of it was if I agreed to take antidepressants and tranquilizers that made me fat and miserable and numb. He thanked him and said we are doing perfectly fine now, no need to continue with therapy.
I'm not though. Our kid is still small but is starting to pick up on the controlling, the routine, everything my husband's way, and is far more vocal about it than me. And resists it violently. And that is starting to worry me more than I worry about myself and my own unhappiness.
They love each other, and I don't want him to see that side of his father, but we're heading in that direction either way.
If I bring it up, it is always "I do everything for you, I dont have the energy to be emotionally there too". Apparently we are just too much, our needs, our longing for quality time and connection. So I've hired help all over the show to take care of the physical component, so he would have more time for the emotional, I've managed to take responsibility for some areas myself too, but he still always manages to get up even earlier and proceed to do everyone's job before they even get here. Im talking gardening, laundry, cleaning, vacuuming, so much so that when the people arrive here shortly after sunrise for a day's work, theres nothing for them to do. And then of course, he is too drained to spend te with us.
I don't feel married, if that makes sense. I feel like a single mother with a spectacular butler, or babysitter, or captor. Some days are better than others, so it depends, I guess. But I'm so lonely, and so unhappy.
Every woman says this, I know, but this marriage can't fail, I have to make it work. I think it would destroy my parents if they knew how it really was. And the idea of separation terrifies me, because even before marriage when I tried to break it off once he said he couldn't live without me, insinuating that he would try to kill himself if I ever ended it, and that everyone would know that it was because of me.
I would like a clean slate, I would love to get everything out in the open and earnestly start over, but we have tried that as well, and after a day or two the same behaviour starts again.
Even though reddit is anonymous, I dread getting comments on this post, but I also desperately need some comments. I just dont know what to do.

When I (39/Female) was five years old my fourteen year old male cousin molested me along with his 8 year old brother. I was left in his care as our parents went out for the evening. The next morning I told my mom about it. I remember she seemed shocked. She must have said something to his parents. The next thing I remember was all of us piling into his family’s van to go to church and him looking at me with hatred and telling me that I’d destroyed the family because I’d told on him and that everyone was going to hate me.
Then, the the incident was swept under the rug. I continued to be seated next to him at Thanksgiving. I continued to be left in his care as a babysitter. Nobody did anything about it. I convinced myself that it was no big deal, that I was fine. That I would be better off to just forget about the whole thing. For 33 years I have gone to family events and behaved cordially and pretended everything was normal.
But it never left me.
Then one day, last summer, I took some mushrooms at the beach with my husband. And for the first time ever I fully saw the impact that event had on the person I became. I saw very clearly the shifting of my life trajectory: before the event and after. As if I had been on a path of potentiality before the event, then suddenly who I was capable of becoming get jerked in another direction.
I saw how I’ve always assumed that I don’t matter as much as other people. That there’s something wrong with me. That if the adults didn’t think it was a big deal, that must mean I’m not a big deal. The ways I’ve minimized myself and kept myself small. The way I never want to make a fuss or make anyone uncomfortable. The way I people please. How all of this self depreciation has affected the choices I’ve made in life. I dropped out of high school because I didn’t believe I could ever be successful in college. I worked shitty jobs because I didn’t feel worthy of a better life. I’ve lived with social anxiety and depression stemming from the trauma of the assault.
And I wept like never before on that beach. I cried for the little baby girl who was full of love and hope and potential. The little girl who had it all ripped away by this disgusting person. I mourned the person I was supposed to have become.
Now, nearly one year later I’ve had a few therapy sessions and have made some progress in changing the narrative I’ve been telling myself. The biggest thing that has happened is that I’ve confronted him. I sent a text message laying out how much what he did traumatized me and hurt me. Then I did what the adults in the situation should have done years ago: I banished him from family events. I told him it wasn’t fair that I had to breathe the same air as him or exclude myself from family events because of what he did. And I told him to get himself some help. He hasn’t responded and I don’t care if he ever does.
As good as it feels to have finally stood up for myself, I still feel very complicated emotions about how my mom and his parents handled the situation. I feel really angry that my mom still has contact with him. That she even still took me over there after what happened. Can anyone else relate? How do you cope? I feel angry and then guilty for feeling that way towards her.