I'm really lonely but also just. Exhausted from trying.
I don't want to keep running after someone for two months straight just for then to ghost me.
I don't want to get attached to someone, they disappear, I try to move on with my life, they come back, over and over and over and over again anymore.
I want to be able to focus on things without the risk of being suddenly taken over by the certainty that no one will ever love me.
I don't want to always say to myself that it's fine when people ignore like, half of my texts when they finally respond.
I don't want people to try and get close to me solely because they find me hot. Ever. Again.
I don't want the person I trust and care about the most in the world to suddenly turn on me and say that they can't be there for me, and then suddenly they're blaming me for every single thing that ever went wrong ever again.
People always say to work on yourself
and
yes. I am trying.
but
it hurts. It literally physically hurts
and my progress is always derailed by these painful meltdowns of
no one will ever love me. I just wish I could talk to her. I wish she was still. She. I just wish I could talk to her again...

A year into college, me (an international exchange student) and my other international exchange friends (12 ish people) decided to go on a cruise during spring break. It was a six day cruise from the US to Mexico. The price was not that bad ($350 ish a person with a group coupon), and it was all food included. It was a great deal, and they even had a very good a la carte dinner (where they give you a menu and you order what you want), which we were very excited about. However, on the first day of dinner, we realized that the plates that would come in during were fairly small, french restaurant style. So the first day, we actually left dinner a little hungry. We were bummed, but it was fine, the food was actually fairly good and the portions on the other meals were fine. The next morning at the pool, I met an old couple who were experienced cruisers, and told them we left dinner hungry. They then gave an interesting piece of advice, that sounded so good I still remember the very words: "You know young man, they don't really adversite that... but y'all can actually order more than one entrée, more than one main dish, and more than one desert at dinner. In fact, you could order the whole menu. However, you would just have to eat it all not to pay the $100 waste fee" That was the best news I had ever heard. I made sure to share it with all my friends, and it indeed worked. Every dinner after that, each of us would order 2 or 3 items of each category every day. We were finally well fed, and got the chance to try all sorts of things - it was great. However, after two days of a lot of food, the waiters were starting to get mad at our table, since we were abusing the system. This went on until the fateful day came. On the fourth day on the cruise, when I was picking my desert, I saw the option "A fine selection of Ice Creams". There was no further description. I have told this story enough times to realize this was a dumb interpretation. But, in my head, for some reason , "a fine selection of ice creams" in this sort of small portion restaurant would be two or tree small balls of ice cream on a plate, and I would get to try them. So I called the waiter, and said: " Can I have THE fine selection of ice creams?" Confused and already mad at me and my friends, the waiter replied: " You mean the complete selection of ice creams?" Confused, I replied: "I mean, it is a selection, right? Yes?" I was very confused, why would I order an incomplete plate? The waiter then got extremelly upset, and said loudly "Hahaha OKAY YOU WILL GET ALL FLAVORS THEN" and stormed off I was a little confused, but naively excited to taste this "selection of ice creams". Five minutes later, the waiter proudly comes back to our table balancing 3 VERY FULL dip dish plates of Ice cream. I am talking 7-8 LARGE balls of ice cream in each plate. There was easily 3 Liters of ice cream there, and there were many flavors. I could tell the other waiters were talking to each other about it and giggling, and many eyes were looking at our table. My friends burst out laughing. Ashamed, I told the waiter: " I am sorry, I tought it would be a small selection like all other plates!" With a side smile, the waiter said: "There is no returning, you will have to eat it all or pay the waste fee!" Still ashamed and with all my friends laughing, I politely asked the table if they would like to help me. Three of four of my friends promptly reached with their spoons to try a couple different flavors. However the wauter stopped them. " NO No, YOU CANNOT SHARE.... you will have to eat it all by yourself" and looked at me deep in the eye. I stared her back, and a feeling of "challenge accepted" took over me. I picked up the largest spoon I could see and started eating the ice cream VERY FAST. I am saying like hot-dog- eating-contest fast. The ice cream was delicious, and , by the way, I am immune to "brain freeze". I never had it and have no idea what it feels like, so I just ate as fast as I could to the complete surprise of all waiters and friends. In less than 10 minutes, I was done. I even licked the last plate clean, and proudly piled them empty in front of me. The waiterers were baffled. My friends were proud. I did it. My nickname for the rest of the year of exchange was "Ice cream", and my next trip to the bathroom was also memorable. However, that was a good day.

The morning sun blinded me, my head rested on Demy’s chest. Scarlet colored my cheeks, his arm was draped around my shoulder. So many thoughts bounced around my head, the awkwardness of the moment shaking my nerves. His eyes fluttered open, his lips brushing against the top of my head. His touch seemed gentle as always, the tenderness not leaving anything to be desired.
“Good morning, my little swallow.” He groaned huskily, rubbing my shoulders. “I wonder what today will bring us.” My heart fluttered, his finger lifting up my chin. Pressing his lips against mine sensually, time stopped. A knock interrupted us, Old Man Dallas poked his head in. A golden envelope fluttered in his hand, my eyes falling on the pile of cash in the other. Demy rolled his eyes, a lump forming in my throat. Regret dimmed Old Man Dallas' eyes, the envelope trembling in his hands.
“This was left from the last job, and here’s a new one. It will hit close to home for you, Scarlet.” He warned me cautiously, setting them both down on the bureau. “I am sorry.” Leaping out of the bed, my fingers curled around the letter. My mother’s name greeted me, the letter floated to the floor. Shaking my head, my hands waved around.
“The answer is no.” I whispered briskly, chewing on my lip. “I won’t help her. No, not at all. I can’t even begin to describe the way she treated me as a kid.” Old Man Dallas dusted off his cream suit, his shoulders shrugging. Clearing his throat, my lips pressed into a thin line. Refusing to look at me, a nervous grin twitched on his lips. The fact that she found a rich husband didn’t shock me, intense hatred brewed in me. How dare she live happily while I suffered greatly!
“They requested you specifically.” He pointed out severely, his jaw tensing. “They won’t stop calling me. So you need to go. They are willing to pay you ten million dollars. Seemed like an odd amount.” Tears welled up in my eyes, the amount was what she received for selling me to River Creek Associates. Their front was a lawyer’s office, all of it hiding us assassins. What was her game? Picking up the paper, the upper crust of my town was where her mansion was. Bowing my head in shame, all I ever seemed to be was a pawn to be sold. Demy wrapped his arms around my waist, his chin resting on my forehead. Scarlet colored my cheeks, his gentle touch barely aiding my tension.
“I have an answer to your solution. Say I am your boyfriend and show her that you are happy.” He suggested seriously, my heart skipping a beat. “We practically act like a couple. Wouldn’t you say so, Old Man Dallas?” A sly grin curled on his lips, shock rounding my eyes. Boyfriends weren’t an option in the River Creek Associates, a strange excitement buzzed in my eyes. Apprehension left my desire in my shadows, the harsh memories whipping me in my back.
“Fine.” I sighed in defeat, cupping his hands. “If this is going to work, you have to be my real boyfriend.” Spinning me around, his arms curled around my waist. Lifting up my chin with his finger, his Cheshire Cat grin frightened me. Leaning down towards my ear, his next words caused my ears to flatten.
“If that is what you wish, my little swallow.” He whispered gruffly, sending my nerves into a frenzy. “I will be your boyfriend. Hell, I will marry you if you wish. I told you that I am so fond of you. This Mad Hatter would love to have a little swallow.” Grazing my fangs along the nape of his neck, my next words made his heart rate pick up.
“I am already married to you practically with this collar.” I mused playfully into his ear, his grip on me strengthening. Kissing me hungrily, my heart rate soon matched his. Arching towards him, a throat clearing stealing the moment. Sliding on my boots, we stepped into a crispy version of the transportation circle. Tracing the symbols with a fresh piece of chalk, Demy stepped in behind me. Cutting my palm, my blood pooled into a tiny palm. Moving my hand over the symbols, they glowed to life. Placing the letter in my palm, my flames devoured the curling paper. Scarlet energy hummed to life, the bedroom shifted to a lush backyard of a rolling mansion. The reddish-orange brick taunted me, the dark gray slate roof completed the look. Offering him my palm, Demy’s tongue licked the blood off. Wrapping my hand, our eyes fell on my well dressed mother. Her salt and pepper hair was twisted into a simple side bun, the bone white dress hugging her five foot two hourglass figure. Stiffening at the sight of her, it took everything to not kill her.
“My beautiful daughter has come to see me!” She slurred drunkenly, the smell of whiskey on her breath nauseating me. “Who is this handsome young man?” My brow cocked in response, my hands wrapping around his arm involuntarily. Tears welled up in my eyes, every cell wanting me to run. Reaching out for me, he stepped in front of me. Tipping his hat in her direction, his hair nearly touched the grass as he bowed in her direction.
“I am Demetros Deaclon, her fiance.” He introduced himself boldly, snapping his fingers behind his back. “I suspect you are the lovely lady who created my little swallow.” A black band formed on my finger, a large blood ruby sprouted from the center. Wicked laughter burst from her lips, her head shaking.
“I find it very hard to believe you actually love her. She is a messy little burden of a child. I was so happy to sell her at the ripe age of seven.” She gloated jovially, her stern husband marching up to her side. “Jimmy, you came out to greet my monster of a daughter.” His slate gray eyes narrowed in her direction, a quiet fury seethed in his eyes. Running his hand through his slicked back silver hair, his wrinkles creasing with a genuine smile. Dusting off his suit, he motioned for her to go back into the house. Tears stained my cheeks, my body trembled in Demy’s arms. Clutching me close to his chest, she stumbled back into the mansion. All of the raw emotion of her beating and selling me bubbled to the surface, my emotional center shattering by the second.
“You will have to ignore your mother. She is a nasty drunk witch.” He apologized sincerely, Demy tipped his hat in his direction. “I am your Uncle Gary Graystone. Do come in? I have a fresh pot of coffee ready. My housekeeper made some apple pie. You guys do eat, right?” Dusting off his expensive navy suit, he adjusted his tie anxiously. Tucking his hands into his pocket, anxiety wore on his face. Squirming out of his arms, surprise rounded his eyes the moment I embraced him warmly. His rich cologne wafted up my nose, a violet aura surrounded him. Soaking his jacket with my tears, years of guilt soaked the top of my head.
“Thank you for taking care of my mother.” I sobbed happily into his shoulder, simply happy to have a family member in my life. “We won’t be charging you.” His lips parted in protest, Demy clearing his throat. Stepping back, he examined the ring on my finger. A curious glint twinkled in his eyes, a sly grin dancing across his lips.
“I have to pay you a little bit. How about this? You can have a small ceremony here. The ring is quite nice.” He commented with a bemused grin, guiding us to the carriage house. “I seem to be having the biggest ghost problem. I hear screaming every night and it is terrifying. Do you think you can fix it?” Flashing him a bright smile, my fingers wiped away my own tears.
“Sounds like a banshee.” Demy said simply, taking off his hat. “That should be a simple fix. Do you mind if I use your library?” Motioning for us to go ahead, the look in her eyes told me to hang back by my uncle. Walking next to him felt odd, Demy leading the way back in. Something felt off, my eyes falling on my mother in the window. Standing straight up in the highest window, a cloudiness masked her caramel eyes. A pale hand gripped her shoulder, a shrill shriek shattered my eardrums. Blood poured from my ears, my bright smile hiding the pain. Pushing through the pain, the shriek died down. Wiping the blood off of my face, Demy hadn’t noticed my mother or me wiping away the blood. Cupping the whiskey bottle in her hands, large gulps of whiskey poured down her throat. Stumbling around, panic gripped me the moment she disappeared. Demy was seconds from entering, all of the glass blowing out.
“Cover your ears!” I ordered urgently, knocking my uncle to the soft grass. Shrill shrieks shattered the early morning breeze, my mother limping out. Her head spun all the way around, the cracking of her neck nauseating me. Bending backward, her bones twisted into unnatural angles. Ripping out his gun from his jacket, a whole round did little to deter her crawling towards us. The shrieking increased in volume, a whistling fogginess tortured my ears. My fingers curled around my staff, a clicking noise came to life as it shifted into a scythe. Snapping my fingers, a pair of headphones popped up in my hands. Dropping them onto his head, he lowered his hands.
“Don’t take those off unless I tell you to.” I warned calmly, feeling around my boot for the salt from the Irish waves. “Stay in the circle.” Gripping the bag, Demy clapped his hands. Popping up next to me, blood stained the left side of his face. Helping me up, my balance was off. Drizzling the salt in a circle around us. The twisted version of my mother smashed against an invisible wall, maggots poured from her gunshot wounds. Cloudy eyes met mine, an Irish lullaby poured from her lips. The hollow words caused my face to pale, a clammy sweat drenching my skin. Why couldn’t I even try to kill her? The song slowed to a halt, my heart sinking into my stomach. Her broken bones snapped loosely into the resemblance of a human, her body twitching like a broken doll.
“Wee little sparrow.” An elderly Irish female voice crooned cruelly, her hands pressing against the invisible wall. “That lassie didn’t love you at all. Must be such a cruel joke for you to even exist. Your mommy hated you from the moment you were born. You, wee little sparrow, were born a dead child. Evil courses through your blood, your father is a lead demon himself. He hired me to kill you. He said something about you taking his throne. Your mother died weeks ago, although I have to say it is a busted model. I couldn’t even get her to stop drinking. I would really like to get paid. So please let’s play. Your lad here, won’t even put a dent in me.”
“Only I can talk about my mother that way.” I retorted venomously, seeking a way to beat my possessed mother. Stepping out of the circle, my hand caught the shattered wrists of my mother. A tiny curved blade spun in her other hand, the sheepskin handle barely moved with her effort. A cry of pain burst from my lips, the blade quivered in my side. Smashing my boot into her chest, she rolled into the biggest tree. Spinning my blade over my head, several sparrows fluttered around me. Soma landed on my shoulder, whispering a spell into my ear. Demy stepped out of the circle, Soma fluttered away. Gee, thanks for the help.
“Salt of the Irish Seas, Lady of the trees.” I chanted confidently, horror widening my mother’s cloudy eyes. “Trap her in a tree where she can sleep for all an eternity.” Slamming the tip into the grass, thick chocolate brown roots burst through. Shrill shrieks intensified, the roots twisted around her body. The last shriek flickered out, a calm serenity washed over his property. My staff shrank down, a golden chain resting next to it. Demy snatched the chain, his nimble fingers wrapping it around the tree. The gravity of the situation hit me, my mother was trapped in a tree because of me. Sinking to my knees, the blood may as well have been on my hands. A rushing noise filtered into my ears, my eardrums healing back to normal. The sound of the water crashing over the sands did little to quell my nerves, a concerned Demy crouched down to my level. Rubbing my back, he clutched me to his chest. Pressing his palm to the wet grass, the glass floated into the air, piercing itself together. Of course, he could fix a window.
“It appears you were born dead.” He chuckled softly, the ring still glittering on my finger. “You can keep that on you if you wish. I am more than okay with waiting until you actually say yes.” Playing with the ring, the image of my mother twisted around brought me right back to a fearful state. My heart was seconds from beating out of my chest, a throat clearing stealing me from my train of thought.
“Let’s go inside and discuss your marriage.” He offered serenely, passing me my headphones. “I have to thank you for completing the job. I might also have some photos of your father. He did run with our friend group back in the day.” Swallowing the lump in my throat, a marriage was definitely not what I signed up for. The photos were appealing though, my mind racing wildly at the chance of seeing what my father looked like. Following him in, his face fell at the broken dishes all over the floor. Getting on my knees, he waved his hands around.
“Let the maid get this. A bonus will most likely be necessary. Dishes are replaceable. You two aren’t.” He chimed nonchalantly, Demy tossing me over his shoulder. Sitting me down on his tan leather couch, glass crunched with each of Uncle Gary’s steps. A bag of crackers and a block of cheese rested in his palms, a pleasant smile brightened his features. Sitting down across from me, my eyes fell on the myriad photos of our huge family. They all looked so happy without me, shame dimming my eyes. Demy plopped down next to me, his hand yanking me onto his lap. Curling his arms around my waist, he refused to let go. Rushing off to get a couple of albums, Demy grabbed the cheeseboard, cheese and knife.
“I only lied about the fiance thing to impress your mother.” He admitted sheepishly, his trembling fingers struggling with the cheese. “I can’t get this damn thing open.” Being engaged to him didn’t seem too bad. Taking the cheese from him, pure joy lit up his face at my next words.
“I mind being engaged to you.” I proclaimed honestly, cutting open the package. “I told you I love you. We are kind of stuck with each other anyway. I wouldn’t mind being your wife one of these days.” Watching me cut up the cheese, no words could come to his lips for the first time in a long while. Resting his chin on my head, I could feel his aura shifting to a nice white one. Smiling warmly to myself, I really meant it.
“Okay. If you really are okay with it.” He stammered oddly, feeding me a piece of cheese. “You really are something, aren’t you?” Cutting up the last of the cheese, the wood clattered against the long oak coffee table. Spinning around to face him, a deep crimson colored his cheeks. Holding the ring up to the light, it felt so right. A knock on the door interrupted us, a tall slender man sauntered into the living room. Running his hand through his slicked back onyx hair, his ruby eyes shimmered excitedly in my direction. A cruel smile danced across his inky black lips, my heart sinking to my chest. Fear paralyzed me, his overconfidence unsettling me. Tucking his hands into his slate gray velvet suit, his shiny dress shoes clicked up to me. Demy stiffened, low growls rumbled in his throat. Dancing his fingers down my arm, he examined the ring.
“You have been awakened and by your mate no less.” He snarled under his breath, unbuttoning the top buttons of my blouse. “Soma has blessed you with your grandmother’s powers. This is most troubling, indeed. All she had to do was kill you. The desire was there. Fucking weakling. Scarlet, do you know who I am?” Pointing his nose up in the air, my fingers curled the cheese cutting knife.
“I am assuming you are my father.” I guessed with uncertainty, his wicked grin spreading cheek to cheek. “I must have said your name three times or did I summoned you through a mirror like Bloody Mary. Did you really think another bad parent was going to scare me? You were even worse than her. At least she was there to beat and sell me for more drugs.” His slender fingers curled around my chain only for black smoke to curl off of his fingers. Dropping the chain, it swung wildly.
“I could always touch these before.” He cursed bitterly, my uncle walking in with the albums. “Why is she with you?” Chuckling softly to himself, he motioned for my father to sit. A scary smile dawned on his face as he set them down on the table. Leaning towards him, his hands clapped. Golden crosses lined the wall, all of our powers draining. Leave it to my uncle to command a room.
“Riot, you seem to have forgotten that I am a hunter with a bit of angel blood in me.” He sighed exhaustively, preparing a cracker with two pieces of cheese. “Why did you show up? Was it curiosity? Nice trick you played. Having her mother possessed by a banshee was a low blow. Should I slow clap for you now or give you a fucking cookie? Do you know that she is engaged to the demon reaper child? That could spell trouble for you.” Rising to his feet, my father’s seven foot frame towered over us all. Chills shot up my spine, all of us shivering for a quick second.
“I won’t let her ascend to the throne.” He growled through gritted teeth, rushing towards the door. “Just to let you know the cat always gets the swallow.” Clapping his hands, he disappeared in a puff of black smoke. Another chill ran up my spine, a single claw extended from my fingernail. The cheese knife clattered to the white marble floor, a deep concern flashing in both of their eyes. Gathering my wits, a small smile silenced their worry.
“So when is the wedding?” He asked with a million dollar grin, eating another cracker with cheese. “I would love to start planning. I have another tidbit for you. If you got married, you both would be stronger. Just say when. Would you like to spend a couple of days here? I have plenty of room and hardly any guests.” Nodding silently, he began to open up the albums and tell a tale of every picture. Losing myself in the moment, he pulled out his phone.
“I want a picture. Smile!” He sang excitedly, aiming his camera in our direction. “Hold those smiles.” Holding our pose, a bright light blinded us. Taking a couple more, the only thing I could see was white spots floating in my vision. Our phones dinged, a copy of the picture melting my heart. Demy had kissed my forehead at the right moment, our eyes falling on the moon. Exhaustion hung heavily on my eyelids, a groggy yawn escaped my lips. The conversation faded in and out, sweet slumber stole me away.

I was diagnosed with Fibro a decade and a half ago. I have experienced it as muscle pain and exhaustion, mental fog, overall exhaustion, confusion, muscle aches and pains. Since Nov. I have been experiencing seering, rending, hot excruciating pain in my knees. 1st the Dr's said RA, then no it's reactive arthritis, then no, now finally they are calling it Fibro. Has anyone else experienced this kind of joint pain with fibro? Is it possible the Dr is using Fibro as a diagnosis because he cannot find any other diagnosis that fits? Any input would be greatly appreciated

It's the First of April. Thats all I will say.
________________________________________
The New Hope
Vance was tired, he had been on the run all day long. What had looked to be another boring routine survey mission into a simple uncharted binary star system had turned out to be quite a bit more.
Stopping for a quick breather, Vance pulled out his hydroflask and took a long pull of the lukewarm water. It might have been a bit stale, but to him it tasted sweet as cherry soda. The hydroflask sealed with a pop as he replaced it on his belt. It would slowly draw moisture from the air and condense it inside, refilling over time.
Good thing too, this planet seemed to be a never-ending desert. Everywhere he turned to look the relentless twin suns beat down on his thick grey fur, causing him to pant heavily as he tried to cool himself down futilely.
Vance was Yeown, a member race of the Sapient Congressional Union. He stood just under two meters tall though his shoulders were hunched and his long arms were held at a low ready by his sides. His slightly werewolf-like features were currently scrunched into a scowl as he surveyed the surrounding landscape, trying to determine what his next move should be.
That's when he saw it, on the horizon, smoke. Smoke meant fire, and as so often was the case, fire often meant people and civilization.
A destination in sight and a goal in mind, he was now feeling much better about his situation. Vance took a few minutes of walking along the endless dunes to once more marvel on his situation. The fact that he was able to breath without his constricting environmental suit was a miracle. Naturally habitable planets were rare, not so rare as to be nonexistent, but rare enough that his chance stumbling blindly across one was likely a once in a lifetime experience. Well, once in a lifetime if he didn't find shelter was a near guarantee.
His people had evolved on a cooler, more temperate world. The Yeown homeworld of Bright Moon was a temperate world with large polar regions and thick evergreen forests that covered much of the planet’s surface. This relentless heat was slowly but surely killing him. If he didn't find a place to cool off in the next few hours he was likely to suffer heat exhaustion and die.
Vance shivered at the thought. His mummified remains would be lost to the endless sands of this cruel desert. He looked forwards again, the smoke did in fact seem closer now that he really scrutinized it. He grinned, pointed carnivore teeth bared in a terrible grimace. Any non-herbivore species able to see him at that moment would likely have had a fit, his bestial features less sapient in appearance than most other known races.
While this did not frequently bother him, it had on occasion caused some small disturbance to other member races. In particular dimwitted humans.
He snarled quietly, the SCU had only made contact with his people forty years in the past. Plenty of time for the other member races of the Union to become acquainted, but they hadn't. It seemed that many of them harbored an instinctive mistrust towards the Yeown. Whether it was born of ancestral fear or prejudice meant little to Vance, it was wrong. There were even whisperings of succession in some of the more extreme circles.
It would never happen though. The Union was truly vast, thousands of inhabited worlds spanning thousands of light years and with a population numbering in the hundreds of quadrillions of sapient beings. There was no realistic way that their tiny population of a few billion could hope to stand up to the might of quadrillions.
He put thoughts of rebellion out of his head, the Union wasn't some tyrannical galactic empire after all, they did seem to have the best interests of their citizens in mind. ‘Most of the time.’ He thought silently, bitterness reentering his thoughts in spite of himself.
The smoke drew steadily closer, thoughts of what kind of strange people might inhabit such a desolate world caused his mind to enter a tizzy. From what he knew of desert creatures they tended towards the more insectoid or reptilian. Mammals were a rare sight on such worlds, would they accept him as a sapient being? What if they tried to kill him?
Dark thoughts of murder and cannibalism entered his mind unbidden. Such creatures existed across the Union, Flesh tearers and the other psychotic bloodthirsty pirates that frequented the less populated regions of the galaxy. Was it possible that the indigenous people of this world would be the same?
His ship had not detected radio signals before he had mysteriously lost power. Only by switching to his secondary generator had he been able to prevent himself from becoming a glassed crater in the planet’s surface, barely. His ship had suffered catastrophic damage in the landing and he had decided to try and scout out the area.
Thats where he had made his first mistake, he had oriented himself towards the morning sun and started off, but soon after the first had risen then another sun had made its presence known in the ever-brightening sky. His compass had been useless and his trail had been obscured by fresh blown sand. Soon he had found himself hopelessly lost.
With no landmarks to follow and two suns causing him to confuse the direction he had come from, he had started to lose all hope of making it off the planet alive. But then he had seen the smoke, like a beacon it inspired hope in his chest.
He took another large panting breath before taking a moment to rest in a shallow hollow. He cocked his head as he spotted the first life he had yet seen on the planet, a small scraggly bush, barely alive by the looks of it. Its wood was covered in gnarls and grey twigs, knobby and blistered by uncountable days of exposure to the harsh elements.
Still, where there was life there was water, that was a good sign as he was drinking from his hydroflask faster than it seemed to be able to replenish
He took another deep shuddering breath, his break had done nothing but drawn attention to his aching muscles and sore joints. Walking for hours through the soft sand had turned his legs to jelly and his feet to raw meat. His large clawed paw-like feet generally had no problems with the terrain, but the hot sand had slowly begun to scour the softer flesh between his toes. While he wasn't bleeding yet, the flesh was raw and tender, he knew that he would have to clean them soon so as to prevent potential infections.
Vance had received a universal inoculation when he had turned the age of twelve, but while it was essentially an immune booster it was not a cureall. One could still get sick, the inoculation simply boosted the natural strength of his immune system. The result was near human levels of disease resistance but at the cost of becoming quite tired while fighting off an infection.
As Vance crested the next rise he froze, the cause of the smoke was now directly in front of him. The low rolling sand dunes gave way to an expanse of flattened earth, less sandy, more dusty.
In the middle of this flattened land was a large sunken pit of some sort and a low hut-like structure. The hut was the cause of the smoke, the structure charred and covered in strange marks.
Vance hunkered down, all thoughts of his sore muscles and raw feet forgotten as he observed the scene. It looked like the aftermath of a war zone, a high-tech warzone at that. The strange marks resolving themselves into some sort of burns like those made by energy weapons.
He swore loudly, then immediately snapped his mouth closed. Whatever or whoever had caused the damage might still be nearby, and from the looks of the place they would likely not have his best interests in mind either.
He waited a full ten minutes but no enemies appeared, he looked around and then swore quietly “Frine’s furred ass…” He needed a place to shelter and he couldn't wait any longer. Dangerous or not, the chance of death was better than certain death, and so he found himself moving towards the low round building. His body held low as he used his arms and legs to creep forwards.
He reached the side of the building and stopped, a new smell reached his strong senses. After nothing but the hot slightly metallic smell of the dunes and his gear, it was a bit of a surprise to smell something different. He smelled burnt flesh, the smell making his mouth water slightly. He had not had fresh meat for months, subsisting off the dried and freeze dried rations he was provided with by the company.
His stomach growled involuntarily and he swiped his tongue over his lips. He had a bad feeling that what he was about to find might not be a delicious home cooked meal though.
Sure enough as soon as he crept around to the front of the building he recoiled. In front of the door were the charred remains of two creatures, strangely familiar but unrecognizable due to the damage.
He looked closer despite his disgust, the creatures looked far too familiar, two legs and arms. A body shape similar to that of a human, but that was not too surprising he surmised. More than one of the Union member races seemed to take after that appearance, humanoid as the humans called it. And of course they would, they named everything after themselves the selfish hairless packbreakers.
Vance snorted, trying to get the smell out of his nostrils as he slunk by into the building itself. The building was larger than he had at first supposed. The doorway turned out to be a set of stairs that led underground in the direction of the large pit he had observed earlier. ‘They must be a burrowing race.’ He thought idly as he descended into the structure.
Indeed as he reached the bottom of the stairs it opened up into a small house built almost entirely underground. Though one of the rooms seemed lit, it must connect to the large open pit. The room was scorched, the look of a fire that must have raged out of control.
Even with the oppressive smell of charr and soot it was cooler than the surface. He located what looked like the remains of a stool and wiped it off before sitting. He gave a long sigh before taking another long swig from his hydroflask. It felt good to be sitting, his aching muscles and feet groaned in protest as he tried to regain his strength.
After a few minutes his breathing had slowed and he was feeling much more comfortable. He flexed his feet, he needed to find something to wash them with, he looked around. He couldn't see any obvious means of water storage. The planet was hot, hot and dry. But surely the local life drank water, or at least knew of its existence.
He stood, wincing slightly as his sore feet protested, the sand between his toes a constant sting. He limped over to the far wall and moved a few charred items off a nearby shelf. Nothing of use it seemed, then he stopped. He looked at the end of the counter before moving quickly towards a large box at the end of the counter, it looked like.
“Yes!” He said triumphantly. It had been some sort of refrigerator.
It seemed that whatever damage had been done to its exterior was entirely superficial as the inside lit up dimly with a soft bluish glow as he opened it. He grabbed for the large container of clear liquid on the uppermost shelf.
He was about to take a deep drink when his common sense stopped him. He had no idea what the liquid was, it could have been almost anything, so he pulled out a small analysis tool from his belt. Generally the small device was used to assay rocks and other samples brought onboard by his probes, but it should do just as well identifying the basic elements of the liquid.
Placing a small drop from the jug inside, he turned the device on and waited as it whirred softly. After about a minute it made a series of low beeps. Checking the display he smiled, hydrogen and oxygen bonded into di-hydrogen monoxide molecules, more commonly known as water.
He took a tentative taste, the cool clean water taking away the dull scratchiness in his mouth. He took another swallow, this one deeper and more satisfying. Sighing contentedly he looked into the small cooling unit again, there were some other items of interest, not the least of which was a small wrapped package of what appeared to be some meat-like substance.
While he wasn't hungry per-se, his instinctual craving for thick juicy chunks of meat was trying to get the better of him. He paused and then growled deep from his chest. There was no way he would pass up the opportunity if it was remotely safe to eat, and so he pulled out the protein analyzer from one of his vest pouches. While similar to the analysis tool, it would instead check the compounds of the product and check for incompatibilities. If none were expressly detected then it was in all likelihood compatible with his system. While he wasn't capable of the incredible culinary feats of humans who seemed to be capable of eating almost anything they could fit in their mouths, he could digest a wide variety of proteins and fats from many worlds he was not native to.
This ability made him confident that he would be able to eat the morsel without incident, though it was always better safe than sorry. He waited an irritating three minutes before the small device gave a chime and flashed green. That was a good sign, checking the screen on the analyzer it told him what he had hoped to see. What he had was a foreign foodstuff that seemed perfectly compatible with his biology, that was a little odd. Generally a food safe to eat from an alternate world would be at least partially incompatible with his digestion, but this seemed like it had been made specifically for him.
Shrugging at this turn of good fortune he grabbed the fist sized package and sat once more at the sooty stool. Unwrapping the meat fully he was hit with a delicious smell, like sweet and briny at the same time. He pulled out his survival knife and used it to carve off a chunk of the meat before taking a bite.
Immediately his mouth exploded with the flavors of the exotic flesh, it was tender and soft, hints of sweetness and a deep salty undertone that satisfied his cravings like nothing he had ever yet tasted before. It was like some cross of sea creature and cultured livestock, it was in all parts delicious. Vance found himself chowing down on the strange feast, before he knew it the meat was gone, his mouth still watering from the abundance of flavors.
He sat back on the stool, back pressed against one of the earthen walls and gave a sigh. He felt content. He felt a comfortable sleep threaten to overtake him and so sat up and then stood. There was still far too much to do before he could allow himself that luxury. He took the water jug and slowly poured a small measure of the precious liquid over his feet, taking care to maximize its usefulness in case he was unable to find more. After a minute of this he felt comfortable enough to take another look around.
He moved around the room, checking the walls and furniture for other potentially useful items, nothing jumped out at him explicitly but he kept at it. As he finished the common area he moved into some of the adjoining rooms but they all looked the same. Charred and with pieces of broken furniture lying in smoldering piles all around. Before he knew it he stepped out into the open air once more, but it was shaded. He looked around curiously, it seemed to be some sort of sunken courtyard.
Along the walls were what looked like some sort of long boxes connected to the metal walls with pipes and wires, he moved closer and saw that many had small green shoots and fronds inside. So this must be some sort of farm then he mused to himself. In the center of the area was a tall machine of some sort, tubes and small vanes covered its entire surface and he stepped close to it. His sensitive pointed ears swiveled slightly to better pick up faint sounds and he smiled again as he heard the distinct sound of liquid moving through the smaller pipes.
This must be some sort of atmospheric condenser, they were relatively common on dry desert planets but to see one on an uncharted and alien world was a shock. These people must be somewhat advanced to have electricity and condensers. Maybe if they had such technology they had a faster way of moving across the dunes. Some sort of buggy or skiff.
Vance looked around, well, it likely wasn't down in the pit, making up his mind he walked back into the underground house and made his way back to the kitchen area. Looking around for a moment he walked to the water jug he had left on the blackened countertop. Taking another drink from his hydroflask he poured out the small amount of water that remained and then refilled it with the much cleaner purified water from the jug. Now at least he would be able to drink it without tasting the inside of the micro condensers from his hydroflask.
He gathered all his gear and gave the darkened room one last look, nothing caught his immediate attention so he left, walking up the long staircase to the surface. He stepped around the two charred corpses at the front of the structure again and looked round. The area around the dwelling was clat and mostly clear, though about fifty meters away he spotted what looked like another tall condenser. Next to it was a small pile of boxes and crates, it was the only thing in sight that might hold something of interest so he started towards it.
As Vance reached the small pile he cocked his head, something went scampering from the cracks between the crates, a small creature that seemed to hop on two legs. It stopped a few meters from him and he looked at it intently. It was no bigger than a Znot, in fact, other than missing the extra limbs, it seemed remarkably similar. It had tan wrinkly skin that blended into the surrounding dirt and a long nose that it brushed a few times as he watched. It must have been some sort of small rodent equivalent native to this world. As he looked at the small critter It gave a small series of squeaks and scurried away, its tail disappearing back into the large pile of boxes.
He gave a small chuckle, it seemed like a harmless enough animal. As he walked around the boxes he stopped, on the far side previously out of sight sat some sort of contraption. The strange machine seemed to hover on some sort of antigravity cushion, as he approached and pushed on it it moved slightly but stayed remarkably stable. He gave it a look over, its purpose started to become clear to him the more he looked. It was long and thin, with a series of tubes and machinery along the bottom. The middle of the device had a saddle-like seat behind a pair of handlebars attached to a pair of long vaned tubes that jutted from the front. It almost looked like some sort of wheelless motorcycle, a popular type of vehicle frequently used in the more rural parts of the Union that he frequented.
He shrugged and climbed on, the seat was a little uncomfortable as it seemed designed for a smaller species, but it would be fine. He found the control stirrups and placed his feet in them. He gripped the handlebars tightly and kicked back on the pedals. The machine made a series of coughing noises and then returned to its seemingly inert status. It was still hovering however so it must still have been working.
Vance looked around and found a small switch on the body under the handles. He shrugged and flicked it, the machine seemed to whirr slightly but nothing else changed. Once more he pushed back on the pedals and gasped as the vehicle leapt forwards with an acceleration that threatened to tear the breath from his lungs. He eased off the pedals and the device slowed to a more manageable speed. He experimented with the handles and turned to the left, the vanes seemed to catch the air and the hovering vehicle made a neat left hand turn.
He smiled wide as the air rushed by his ears, the wind cooling him and weakening the oppressive heat of the planet. “What a way to travel," he chuckled to himself.
Getting the hang of the device took only minutes, after he had determined he understood the mechanics of the device he returned to the crate and dismounted, making sure to flick off the powerswitch lest the thing take off without him. That would put him firmly back to square one again.
He quickly checked the boxes, many of them were empty, a few held bits of machinery that he didn't know the purpose of. The last one he checked seemed to have some sort of mechanical device inside, it looked like a robot of some sort. Short and squat with a pair of wheeled legs on its sides. Its dome-like top was painted red and white and seemed to house a series of sensors and hatches. It appeared inactive and so he closed the top, not wanting to mess with something that he didn't know the purpose of. While he suspected it wasn't a device designed for destruction, there was no way of knowing and so it was better left untouched.
Vance climbed back onto the hovering bike, the hoverbike as he was starting to call it in his head, he flicked it back on and sat still. He had a means of transportation, but he had no destination. Which way would he go? He thought about heading back towards his ship but then thought better of it, there wasn't much of a point in going back to it anyways. It was done for, damaged beyond repair. Besides, from what he had seen of the area on the way over there was no life out in the dunes. He moved towards one of the high dunes on the opposite side of the place, stopping at the top he squinted and looked around. In the far distance he could make out what looked like a series of rocks. It was as good a place as any he figured, making a mental note of which direction he had come from he zoomed off towards the distant landmark.
If he considered the rotation of the planet and the rising of the suns being to the East as was common, then the direction he was heading was roughly north. He liked his odds of finding something north, it must cool down at least a little the further he traveled from the equatorial zones of the planet at the very least.
Vance reached the rocks in less than ten minutes, the same distance would have likely taken him hours to walk but he put it out of his mind. Signs of life were all around, small lizard-like creatures scattered into the rocks as he approached and he could see small shrub-like plants all around.
The planet wasn't as dead as it had initially looked he surmised, just the vast deserts lacked life. Here among the rocks more conventional life seemed to exist.
Vance slowed for a bit, taking his time as he wound his way through a series of canyons and deep clefts in the rock. At one point he thought he heard the sound of someone yelling, but it faded too fast for him to get a bead on its location.
The eeriness of the planet combined with his total lack of knowledge on what dangers may lay around the corner made his progress slower than it needed to be. He wished he had a weapon, a pistol, a stick, anything. Sure his retractable claws would put the hurt on anything that might come at him but he had no idea what he might be up against. The feeling of not being the top of the food chain sat ill with him, his hackles rose, the collar of fur longer and shaggier near the back of his neck. It had evolved that way to protect the neck from being an easily exploitable weak spot.
He heard a strange wailing noise, at first he thought it was some terrible beast and he froze. But as he listened closer it had the unmistakable undertone of a turbojet fan spinning rapidly. As the thought passed through his mind he exited the narrow canyon he had been traversing and he gasped. The land stretched out in front of him, kilometers and kilometers of open flat rock, and in the distance a settlement or some type. He could make out dozens of structures and a few larger circular buildings whose use he wasn't sure of. It looked to be several kilometers away, not a problem with his new mode of transportation.
High overhead he saw the unmistakable silhouette of a ship leaving the planet, if they had the ability to leave the planet then why had they never been contacted by the Union before? He shook his head and then zoomed towards the small town.
He reached it in minutes, slowing to a walking speed as he saw the main entrance point to the small town appeared guarded. He approached the entry slowly, unsure as to what he should do. He was obviously not the same species as the two white armoured soldiers manning the checkpoint, they looked humanoid in shape whereas he was much taller and lankier. His arms longer and his back hunched.
Another thought entered his mind just as he floated up to the two soldiers, how would he communicate? He racked his brains furiously as he tried to think of a solution, he waved at the two soldiers as they walked over and then nodded in a polite manner. He would just have to pretend to understand and hope nothing made them attack.
He nearly jerked himself off the hoverbike in shock as the first soldier walked over and asked in perfect unaccented common “Identification?”
He had to stop himself from stuttering, the words frozen in his mind at this strange new discovery.
The other soldier, this one with an orange shoulder pad, walked over and asked “Is there a problem here?”
Vance shook his furred head and dug out his ident card, there was no reason it should work but hey, stranger things had happened. He handed the ident card to the first soldier with a muttered “My apologies.”
The soldier seemed to scrutinize the card before looking at him, the featureless black eye lenses of the white helmet only deepening the feelings of paranoia he was feeling at the moment. The soldier turned to his superior and spoke “It's not a form I am familiar with, sir.”
The other soldier took the card and looked at it before handing it back to the trooper “It looks like a match to me. You know how these backworlds are. Let them through.”
Handing the card back the first soldier waved him through saying “Move along.”
Vance did so without another word, tucking his ident card away. He was in disbelief, that had worked? What were the odds? He stopped and took a second to compose himself before his jaw dropped again.
All around him were strange wonders and marvels. Aliens of almost every description wandered to and fro in the streets, strange hovering contraptions moved down the thoroughfares and large almost lizard-like creatures lowed at street corners where small vendors seemed to be hawking wares. He saw strange furred beasts with great horns pulling hovering carts, and a multitude of what seemed to be robots all around. He shivered at the thought of them, artificial intelligence was abhorrent.
It was a most incredible sight and for several minutes he marveled. His examination was cut short as a small hooded figure approached and started speaking at him. This time he was unable to understand the words and shook his head.
“I'm sorry I don't understand. What do you want?” he asked the diminutive creature. He couldn't make out its appearance under the heavy hooded robe it wore, but he could just make out a pair of shiny orange eyes. It seemed to become agitated at his remark and shouted again, his time drawing the attention of several passers by.
The creature made one final scathing alien remark before marching off. Several of the onlookers snickered, likely understanding the insults he had blindly weathered. He growled in a predatory manner and most of them hurried away. While he was not large for a male of his kind, he was much larger than most of these puny creatures.
He started along the street once more, he needed to find a place to get information. A message board, an information kiosk, anything. He shook his head once more, this entire experience had been surreal. The journey feeling more like some crazed dream sequence more so than an actual real series of events.
Many of the aliens he saw looked disturbingly human, several even looked slightly like the slaaveth, though with some minor differences. What was this place, where had he stumbled into? He racked his brains for everything he knew about this region of space. All he could come up with though was that it was near Drivil and uncharted, about three hundred light years past the coreworlds border. An area of space generally referred to as the great frontier.
Suddenly he stopped. He looked again to his right, there across the street next to a pile of wreckage sat another of those strange hovering contraptions. This one a dusty red in color, but that was not what had captured his keen eye. No, next to the hovering vehicle was a low building with the unmistakable look of a bar to it.
He smiled, an alien bar, well, if it was like anything else he had come across it might in fact be more familiar than anything else he had encountered so far. Hopefully they spoke common in there as well. He made his way across the street and then flicked off the hoverbike before dismounting. He looked left and right but saw no way of securing it.
“Oh well.” he said quietly to himself as he walked towards the door of the building. It wasn't like the thing had belonged to him anyways. Maybe it would be there when he came out, probably not. He would just have to cross that stream when he got to it.
Vance walked to the door which opened automatically at his presence, he was immediately hit with a wall of smoky smells and funky noises. A catchy tune that made his long narrow tail twitch in tune and made him want to bob his head. He smiled, his wide grin glinting as the light met his long canines. This seemed just like his kind of place.
He sidled up to the bar top, one of the other patrons giving him a long look. He nodded to the strange green alien and then asked the bartender, a disturbingly human looking alien wearing a tan shirt.
They looked him up and down and asked “Yeah? What will it be?”
Vance frowned slightly and then replied “Information.”
The man seemed to tense and said “That isn't something I generally serve here, a dangerous commodity that is.”
Vance sighed and then replied “Ok then, answer me one question then if you would?” The man nodded slowly. “How does one book passage off this planet? Is there a spaceport I could go through or…” but was cut off as the man waved around the room.
“Off world? Anyone can get you offworld, for the right price. I'm sure if you ask around you might find something suitable, now please, order a drink or leave me alone.” and the man scurried to the far side of the bar.
The strange interaction sat ill with him. He looked around the room, the many patrons of the bar laughing and drinking. Several tables appeared to have various types of gambling or betting going on at them. He smirked, the more things changed the more they seemed to stay the same he supposed.
He jerked as movement met the corner of his eye, turning his head he saw a man waving to him from across the building. He cocked his head and the man seemed to pause. They nodded and then waved him over again. Shrugging he wandered over, he had nothing better to do at the moment after all.
The man was leaning against the wall nearest to the door, his white undershirt and black vest doing nothing to cover the dangerous looking pistol strapped to his side.
Vance cautiously stopped in front of the man. “Hello there, I’m sorry but I couldn't help but overhear you are looking for passage offworld?”
Vance nodded and asked “Yes, you have excellent hearing. Er, I must apologize that I am a bit lost here. Where am I?”
The man smiled charmingly and patted his shoulder while gesturing towards the door. “You are in precisely the right place my friend. I happen to have the fastest ship in the galaxy, where are you headed?”
Vance shook his head and said “Somewhere else, I would like to get back to the Union. But I'll settle for somewhere cooler if that's a start.” he said with a chuckle.
The man nodded and said “Well, that's a good start I suppose. You are able to pay of course?” he asked seriously as they exited the building.
Ah yes of course, money. Vance kicked himself mentally, he had his entire last paycheck in Osmir in one of his pouches. He hated using credit chips, he always felt that his money didn't even exist while using them, he liked to be able to hold it in his hand. Cash was always much more graciously accepted in the frontier where he worked too.
He reached into his money purse and pulled out a handful of Osmir. He handed a few to the man and said “All I have is Union Osmir, would that be acceptable?”
The man looked at the small handful of coins and asked “I suppose, it's not Imperial credits after all. But what is it worth?”
Vance pointed to a few of the coins and rattled of their values “Well, that is a ten credit Osmir, that one is fifty credits and the last one with the largest fleck is a one hundred credit Osmir. I have a few Osmiridium ingots on me. Should be worth a few thousand credits. Would that be adequate?” he said with a bit of a head bob.
The man smiled and held one of the coins up to the light “Osmiridium huh? Yeah I think we can help each other. The name is Han by the way.”
“Hello Han, I'm Vance.” he replied.
“My ship is in bay ninety four, want to meet me there?” Han said to him.
Vance shook his head and said “I don't know where bay ninety four is, are you going that way now? I could follow you there perhaps?”
Han smiled again and looked him up and down saying “Yeah. I think you should be fine to tag along Vance. Follow me then.”
Vance nodded and fell in alongside Han, they walked along the side roads for a few minutes, neither of them seeing a reason to speak until Han steered him towards one of the large circular structures he had seen from the city outskirts. There was a series of alien symbols on the door that he couldn't read but Han smiled and made a gesture. “Here we are, bay ninety four.”
Vance walked inside and frowned as he saw what looked to be a pile of scrap in the rough shape of a starship. A design he was wholly unfamiliar with. “What is that?” he asked, unable to keep a bit of the shock from his voice.
“That?” Han asked. “That's the ship that made the Kessel run in less than twelve parsecs, friend. And time is money as they say. Please welcome yourself aboard the Millennium Falcon.”
Vance looked at the ship, its rough features giving him pause. His trained eye soon looked deeper though, under the scrap and grime he began to see it, the lines of a ship designed for power.
He stood for a moment longer and then turned to Han. the man asked “Well? What do you think?”
Vance gave Han a wide toothy grin as a new hope began to form in his mind and said “I think it's perfect.”
​
==End of Transmission==

10 years ago i was working the summer at a warehouse and i suddenly lost my appetite and felt that chewing was just 'empty' and horrible. This was going on for a few weeks, then it got harder and harder to actually swallow food and it just got worse and worse until i couldn't eat anything at all except liquid forms of food. The feeling i got when trying to swallow was just pure panic as it always got Stuck ( or atleast felt like it got stuck ). So i stopped eating as i couldn't and lost weight from 125kg to 53kg in a very short span of time. I sought help from doctors all over the place where i live but none could tell what was wrong really and i just got tired of having to wake up hungry every day but realizing that i couldn't eat because it just wasn't possible. This made me incredibly depressed and i just wished everytime i went to bed that i wouldn't wake up the next day....
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And hearing my family & friends say "just eat..." all the time didn't help at all and it just made me lose respect for them as they just couldn't possibly understand what i was going through.
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After about a year i found a dietist who helped me get this drink with protein and whatnot inside of it, it tasted horrible but it made my day abit better as i had something in my stomach.
I started to develop some sort of (neurological?) pain which started in my legs and or arms.
The best i can describe the feeling is that it started as a very dull feeling which grew stronger and stronger and for each milli second i didn't move my legs and or arms it just got worse, It felt as if my limbs would fucking explode. Almost as if someone was squeezing them until they were about to pop? ( The pain would ONLY come when i was resting or relaxing, Never when i sat in my chair playing games to fastforward the day)
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In the second year after the 'incident' i developed another pain which i wouldn't even wish upon my worst enemy because it almost made me go insane and commit suicide.
I still had the first sort of pain all the time aswell when resting, but this one was just too much as it felt as if a million needles would pierce my legs or arms skeleton. This would happen in intervals ranging between 5-20 seconds for HOURS!!!!!!!! I cried myself to sleep more than id like to admit..
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Fast forward another year or so, A new pain appeared which felt like someone put a flamethrower to a part of my body ( Mainly my shoulders ) This was bearable but holy fuck it legit felt as if you'd have a flame directly pointed towards my skin. I sometimes get this burning sensation till this day.
During this year there was also an electricity feeling as if somehow i could randomly get electricity running through my body and holy fuck it made my whole body spasm when it happend...
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as im writing this im almost in tears as i can't believe im actually still alive after only these parts.
But this was just the beginning.
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Fast forward another year of suffering tremendously with constant suicidal thoughts runniing through my head. I started getting these whole body spasms when i was trying to rest by lying down in my bed or sofa, and ONLY when i was relaxing my muscles or (closing my eyes????)
It started just like the first pain, a low feeling of something weird going on inside of the body which just grew stronger and stronger for each millisecond i didn't do anything and when i say it grew stronger i really mean it, At a certain pain threshold from this my whole body would fucking jerk/spasm extremely hard. And as soon as that jerk happend it sort of reset and as soon as my muscles calmed down and relaxed from that jerk which was also very painful from the growing feeling to the jerk, it started again and this was going on and on in a fucking loop everyday as soon as i was resting and it could happen for anywhere between atleast 30 minutes to 6 hours. I barely ever got any sleep and it completely ruined my first relationship because as i said this sort of made me go insane in the membrane(lol), i was mean to her and just an overall jerk and very depressed but also trying to keep my chin up because i had her. Anyways this is not a story about my relationship even though it was part of the whole ordeal.
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These different pains would come and go and switch between the years and here i am now with all of these sorts of pains coming and going when im relaxing or going to sleep.
I was diagnosed with 'Fibromyalgia' (probably because no doctor could actually identify what the hell was wrong with me) but hey it was a dignose... that wasn't just "Restless legs" lol, You can't even imagine my rage against some doctors who diagnosed me with Restless legs. Like come the fuck on... You're a doctor and yet you have no fucking idea what restless legs even is??? It doesn't involve pain like this. Fuck me i lost faith in all doctors here in Sweden.
My joints and muscles are almost constantly sore, and even light touches against those areas are extremely painful, imagine having been hit multiple times on an area and then touch it.
Im probably forgetting abit as i dont like to think about all of this which has been happening for the last 10 years :/
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But please if there is somebody out there which could potentially help me identify or even give me advice regarding this i would really really really appreciate it as i am very tired and exhausted from just living and i dont know how im gonna go on like this if this is what its like to be in my body.

After 19 years, I have finally finished writing (posted about that two weeks ago). I am currently on my third draft. I just finished a line edit on my prologue and cut out an entire page. Most of it was an info dump and unnecessary sentences. Did I cut enough? Is it confusing? Are you interested? Does it hook you? Please help me get this right. Be as harsh as you need to be. Like all of you, I pour my heart and soul into my art. I want it to be perfect.
Thank you so much for your time. I will gladly return the favor.
​
Prologue
Wispy branches swayed in a cold wind. Leaves rustled on the ground, crunching beneath Granian Arturion’s booted feet. The thick canopy of branches overhead blotted out the moonlight, making it hard for him to discern the features of the forest. Locals called it the Whispering Wood. The ghosts of the dead haunted the trees, wandering aimlessly in search of their way home. In the late hours, the wind carried their whispered laments to the ears of the living.
Granian Arturion did not fear the dead. He hurried through the ancient trees, dodging roots and branches with agility that belied his aging body. The relic chainmail he wore glowed with ethereal, blue-white light that illuminated his path. He breathed heavily as he moved. Dirt and sweat matted his stringy black hair. His shoulders sagged. His eyes struggled to focus. He needed to rest, to sleep. His relics could only sustain him for so long. Eventually, his body would refuse to go any further. His organs would start to break down as the energy he drew from the relic fed upon his body’s tissues.
He pushed through the pain. Power, the Power, moved through him, heightening his reflexes and sharpening his senses. Even as he walked through shadows, exhausted and barely able to see the path in front of him, his green eyes darted from side-to-side, responding to every sound, searching for the creature lying in wait to ambush him. After two long days of running, the chase was at an end. He flexed his fingers before wrapping them around the hilt of the relic sword hanging from his waist.
A large, shadowy shape leapt from the trees to his left. He spun to avoid his attacker, but a glancing blow connected with his shoulder, knocking him off his feet. He turned his fall into a roll and came up in a crouch, moving faster than any normal man. He stood, drawing his relic blade. Warmth spread through him as he embraced more of the Power. The pain in his shoulder dulled. The ache within him faded. The fatigue ebbed. The bright, blue-white glow of the relic blade illuminated the forest. Runes along the length of the sword pulsed in time with his heartbeat. He focused on the etchings, ancient symbols of the gods that once walked among men. He steeled himself. He was a lord of Rane, one of the sworn relic bearers, a wielder of the Power of Creation. He would not be defeated by an ambush.
A mix of beast and man crouched across from him, its attack momentarily stalled by the threat of the relic blade. Dark, oily hair covered its body from the tip of its elongated muzzle to the bottom of its clawed feet. Even crouched, it was almost taller than Granian. Hard muscles covered every inch of its body. With its claws and fangs, the beast could kill three grown men in seconds.
The man-mongrel stared at Granian with vicious yellow eyes, its fangs bared and dripping with venomous saliva. It was a Lycan. A twisted being born during the Great Mourning. A walking wolf, a servant to the dark magics of the Daoine Sídhe. For eight centuries, Granian’s kinsmen had fought against the Lycan. Tonight, he would continue the tradition. He raised his blade in challenge. The air shifted slightly as the Lycan’s muscles tensed. Granian breathed deeply, steadying himself.
The Lycan leapt, jaws open and claws out. Granian barely managed to sidestep. He deflected the beast’s claws, sending sparks flying. He followed with a vicious strike. The tip of his blade dug deep into the creature’s thick hide before coming free and splattering the ground with green blood. The hot liquid sizzled in the cold night.
The Lycan howled in pain and jumped back, trying to put distance between it and Granian. It landed hard on all fours. Blood oozed from a deep wound in its side. Granian cursed. If he had hit anything vital, the blood would be shooting, not oozing.
He didn’t give the Lycan time to recover. He bounded forward, covering the distance between him and the Lycan in quick, long strides. He swung his sword, his relic-enhanced muscles adding weight to the attack. The Lycan blocked the relic blade with its claws and swung wide, forcing Granian to retreat. It pressed forward, pounding against his defense.
The ferocious barrage of claws forced Granian further and further back. He prevented the claws from cutting him, but the Lycan’s superior height gave it the advantage. He had to move or risk getting caught inside the Lycan’s long reach. Even with the relics, he barely moved fast enough. His exhausted muscles refused to move any faster. Desperately, he swung his sword through practiced katas, but the Lycan’s arms were more agile than any sword sequence.
Granian threw himself inside the beast’s reach. He gritted his teeth, managing not to flinch as claws sunk into flesh not covered by chainmail. Ignoring the pain, he twisted his wrist and stabbed. His relic blade sank between the Lycan’s ribs, skewering the beast’s heart. It stumbled and fell forward on the sword, its arms going limp.
Only Granian’s enhanced strength allowed him to stay upright as the Lycan’s full weight sank onto the blade. He turned the sword down, and the beast’s corpse slid from it with a sickening squelch. His shoulders sagged. He released the Power and fell to one knee, arms and legs trembling.
If he did not reach a healer soon, he would die. Even if his relics kept him going, infection from the Lycan’s filthy claws would kill him. He closed his eyes and pulled himself together, taking a deep, painful breath. He had to continue. The people of Rane needed him. The message he carried would save lives. Without it, tens of thousands would die. Struggling to his feet, he urged his legs forward. One tired step at a time, he moved towards the Aramoir.
He only made it a few yards before the snapping of a branch stopped him. He turned, muscles protesting the sudden movement. From the shadowy trees, three hulking shapes stepped into the light cast by his relics. Yellow eyes glowing, fangs dripping, they crouched, ready to strike.
Granian tightened his hand around his relic blade and charged towards death.

19M 170cm 76kg As the title says, i played some netball under hot (33°C) and humid conditions for 40 or so minutes with a long sleeve oxford shirt and some slacks. Felt my body get really hot and there was no breeze. It felt really hot internally, face flushed, and my sweat was pretty warm to the touch. Did i overheat myself, causing heat exhaustion, and caused cognitive dysfunction