Indian temples near me

Introduced a new map module: DCS: Sinai
Introduced a new campaign: UH-1H The Huey Last Show Campaign by SorelRo

DCS World

• Infantry no longer smoke when injured or killed
• ME. Weather widget: Broken alignment. Not enough space for strings - fixed
• Ships. Arleigh Burke aft launcher is missing the 'boom' sound when the SM-2 missile is fired - fixed
• ME. Mission Editor freezes when creating a new group - fixed
• AI Aircraft. AV-8B. Incorrect deck landing and takeoff in some cases - fixed
• AI Aircraft. AV-8B can't take off from FARP and sea shelf objects - fixed
• GUI Error when try to select track in some cases - fixed
• Ground units. In some situations, the collision of a bullet and a unit is not registered - fixed.
• MP. Server CTD if the client is destroyed due to a trigger and the client leaves the server - fixed.
• Historical mode. Egyptian list of units tuned.
• MP. There is no confirmation window when exiting the MP via the role selection menu - window added
• ME. ATC always shows AM radio modulation even if scene role set to FM - fixed
• AI Aircraft. MiG-31 will be able to simultaneously launch up to four R-33 missiles to four targets.
• Improved rendering of sea water surface in FLIR.
• ME. Aircraft payload view will stay open when "Additional Properties" tab is open.
• FLIR. South Atlantic Map IR render is adjusted.
• AI Aircraft. AI fighters will attack specialized interceptors like MiG-31 type if they are tasked with attacking fighters.
• MP. Server CTD on unit:destroy when player controlled - fixed
• Incorrect display of the horizon visibility boundary in TV mode of targeting pods - adjusted
• VR. Left eye has issues with lights on terrain and buildings - fixed lightmap applying in multi-viewport setup
• ME. MK-84 and some other bombs are missing in the Bomb in Zone Condition of trigger - fixed
• MP. Dedicated Server: slot spamming causes 100% CPU load and server unreachable - Fixed

DCS: F-16C Viper by Eagle Dynamics

• Added Velocity Search With Ranging (VSR) - Instruction video DCS: F-16C and F/A-18C Velocity Radar Modes Update (COMING SOON)
• Added MTR LO (71 knots) and HI (110 knots) function from CTRL (knots) page of FCR for radar AA modes
• Added Sinai IA Instant Action missions
• Fixed: Markpoint created from FCR GM has large offset from what is designated
• Fixed: Offset Aimpoint altitude is entered from DED with negative values
• Fixed: ASEC and DLZ persists in FCR after switching to NAV mode
• Fixed: TGP Mark point incorrect in weapon MAN mode
• Fixed: ACM 30x20 locking outside the HUD limits.
• Fixed: IAS incorrect on Marianas with very high head winds
• Fixed: Radar able to track targets that are terrain masked
• Updated BFM Instant Action Mission

DCS: F/A-18C Hornet by Eagle Dynamics

• Added Velocity Search (VS) - Instruction video DCS: F-16C and F/A-18C Velocity Radar Modes Update (COMING SOON)
• Added Sinai IA Missions
• Fixed: Enabling one-look raid removes target offboard information
• Fixed: Stuck B sweep on the edge of the DDI after locking on to the target
• Fixed: Slewing after Offset designation moves the WP symbol on the HSI
• Fixed: Extrapolated radar trackfiles continue to update the AIM-120 with the true position of the target
• Fixed: Precise coordinates discrepancy between F10 map and the cockpit
• Fixed: TWS won't show a trackfile until 6 raw hits (bricks) are detected
• Fixed: AZ/EL and RDR ATTK pages show info for jamming target
• Fixed: Offset symbol moves in SA page
• Fixed: SA page shows HAFUs ranked as 0, for trackfiles below rank 9
• Fixed: Stepping away from first track file takes two presses
• Fixed: Training mission carrier moves when it should be static
• Fixed: Airspeed in HUD on Marianas is doubled in very high head winds
• Fixed: Time on Target seems too fast when setting ground speed
• Fixed: Radar able to track targets that are terrain masked
• Updated Hornet BFM Instant Action missions

DCS: AH-64D by Eagle Dynamics

• Made it possible for AI to use IAT
• Added Sinai IA Instant Action missions
• Added Windshield wipers clear rain drops
• Added for AGM-114L new icon for ME
• Fixed: George manoeuvres are not predictable and almost deadly
• Fixed: LST switch in front cockpit moved to A in cold starts (auto-start and manual starts)
• Fixed: AGM-114L seem to fail to hit targets fired while aircraft is moving
• Fixed: APU desync between PLT and CPG
• Fixed: "George" will say "in range" when it is not
• Fixed: Player-CPG cannot launch AGM-114L after AGM-114K
• Fixed: George evaluate LT switch position when Player leaves CPG seat
• Fixed: Yaw limit after you don't launch AGM-114L at once
• Fixed: Constraint box fixed after last missile
• Fixed: George launched AGM-114L from 9km when in weapons free mode
• Fixed: AGM-114 typo in weapon label
• Fixed: FCR defaults to wrong mode in specific power on conditions

DCS: Mi-24P Hind by Eagle Dynamics

• Fixed: Radio desync in multicrew
• Fixed: R-863 radio does not turn on channel 11 on Pilot-Operator seat in multicrew
• Added: Quick Start missions for Sinai map

DCS: UH-1H Huey by Eagle Dynamics

• Fixed: Minigun animation is missing in MT
• Fixed: WIP Throttle control over FCU logic for new engine model. (Before helicopter would be able to takeoff on throttle idle)
• Fixed: WIP Fuel consumption tuning after new engine model implementation

DCS: Mi-8MTV2 Magnificent Eight by Eagle Dynamics

• Added: Quick Start missions for Sinai map
• Fixed: Crash caused by asymmetrical gunpods jettison

DCS: Supercarrier by Eagle Dynamics

• Fixed: MT - long range lineup light not visible
• Fixed: Deck markings not showing in mission editor MT

DCS: FW 190A-8 by Eagle Dynamics

• Pitot light indicator now works without ground power (pitot heating functions still have known issues)
• Fixed: Double bind for Start Switch

DCS: FW 190D-9 by Eagle Dynamics

• Fixed: Double bind for Start Switch

DCS AJS-37 Viggen by Heatblur Simulations

• NEW: Added over 100 user requested keybinds (with special thanks to Munkwolf et al.).
  • Does not affect existing keybinds.
• RB-05 Overhaul:
  • Fixed RB-05 only able to be steered with radar in A0.
  • Fixed launched RB-05s automatically setting radar to A0 (without moving the switch).
  • Fixed subsequent launches sending the first missile to Valhalla.
  • Fixed steering commands being sent to the missile beyond 30s.
• Included several BK-90 fixes:
  • Fixed STD switch erroneously affecting pattern setting.
  • Inhibited display of BK-90 HUD symbology above 500m.
  • Max distance release cue not showing correctly.
• Added U-22 Jammer Mode E (always transmits).
• Added non-tracer AKAN gunpod.
• Fixed Jammer warmup not being skipped during hotstart.
• Fixed U-22 (old) warning light not showing during warmup.
• Fixed X-TANK BRÄ light showing <50% RPM instead of <70%.
• Fixed airbrakes not auto-retracting with landing gear releasing.
• Added feature that allows airbrakes to be stopped in an intermediate position.
• Added “_(...)” to keybinds for l10n. Now keybinds are localizable.

DCS F-14 Tomcat by Heatblur Simulations

• NEW: Major Ground Handling and Suspension Overhaul Phase 2:
  • Significant suspension and ground handling qualities update.
  • Increased Brake Torque.
  • Adjusted kneel actuator rate.
  • Completely redone strut forces and dynamics.
  • Adjusted kneel spring energy.
• Fixed aircraft spawning kneeled on carrier hot starts.
• All hot starts now spawn with the parking brake engaged.
• Adjusted default takeoff trim for carrier spawns.
• Fixed incorrect delay in ejection sequence.
• EIG brightness adjusted with ambient illumination.

DCS: JF-17 by Deka Ironwork Simulations

• Fixed: SMS supports for PL-12
• Added: Weapon Qualification missions

DCS: SA-342M Gazelle by Polychop Simulations

SA342 - Common to all

• Updated external textures to PBR standard
• Added raindrops on canopy
• Interior lighting and reflections updated
• Flight model
  • Entirely rewritten FM
  • Overhauled engine and rotor behaviours
  • Updated mass and payload mass parameters
  • Many new behaviours added or reworked (ground effect, flapback/blowback, retreating blade stall, density altitude, ETL…)
  • Engine surge effect from rapid collective movement added
• Force Feedback support added
• Removed ‘Easier Controls’ special option
• Removed ‘Rudder Trimmer’ special option (replaced with new trim options)
• New trim options for cyclic and pedal behaviour when using ‘Force Trim Interrupt’
  • None - has no effect
  • Instant - trim position instantly set to current cyclic/pedal position
  • Fade In/Fade Out - trim position will move to current cyclic/pedal position over short time period (<1sec) (also applies to ‘Trimmer Reset’)
  • Applied upon Recentering - trim position will apply instantly only when cyclic/pedal position is recentered
• Updated controls indicator
  • Red marker shows control position
  • Grey marker shows trim position
  • Autopilot markers removed for further consideration
• Updated/added network animations
• Implemented IFF panel (limited functionality)
• Updated autopilot system
  • Airspeed/Altitude hold mode removed for further consideration
  • “Auto-collective” removed for further consideration
  • Added light indicators for auto-hover (CSV) and heading-align (ALV) autopilot modes
  • Autopilot master switch will not engage/will disengage if pitch, roll or yaw SAS disabled
• Added smoke display system
  • Smoke launchers can be equipped in the rearm/refuel screen
  • Smoke launchers have a new input to toggle on/off
• Collective can be hidden by clicking on base of collective
• Added tablet navigation aid
  • Tablet can be disabled from mission editor
  • Tablet provides map, heading, airspeed and groundspeed GPS information
• Updated slip ball to be less erratic
• Fuel warning light now flickers if below 80L

SA342L

• Added new weapons:
  • 2x/4x Mistral
  • 2x/4x HOT3
  • HMP400 gunpods (100, 200, 400)
  • Selectable GIAT M621 20mm

Replaced Viviane screen with periscope sight

• Replaced Viviane control panel with periscope control board
  • Periscope provides two zoom levels
  • Toggleable gyro stabilisation
  • Selectable reticles for estimating distance
  • Connected to ‘VIS’ mode on Artificial Horizon same as Viviane
• Pilot sight can be hidden by clicking on mounting of pilot sight
• AI now able to fire HOT3 missiles
• Added ground crew option to remove doors
• Added option to shoot multiple pylons if the weapon is from the same type

SA342M

• Viviane camera code overhauled
• Viviane multicrew synchronisation improved
• AI now able to fire HOT3 missiles

SA342 Mistral

• Removed playable version (now replaced by SA342L)
• Removed Custom Cockpit options

SA342 Minigun

• Added special option to decouple minigun from head/camera view
• Added inputs for keyboard/joystick control of minigun
• Added inputs for mouse control of minigun
• Added clickables and inputs for minigun safety, sight powebrightness and IR laser

SA342 Known issues and work in progress

• Auto-hover (CVS and ALV modes) are work in progress and may not function reliably yet
• PBR overhaul is a work in progress. Most liveries will look too glossy until they have custom RoughMet textures applied. This will happen over the next few DCS World updates.
• Our in-house Mistral ATAM has been replaced by ED’s which is very susceptible to flares.
• Mistral ATAM tubes protective cap not yet animated

DCS Mirage F1 by Aerges

Short range IR missiles:

• Fixed AIM-9J lock-on audio not being heard.
• Sidewinder missile will not perform SEAM (scan pattern) anymore as this mode was not implemented in the real F1.
• 'Cannon 600/Identification P' throttle button will now uncage Sidewinder missiles (except AIM-9B). If no target was detected at this moment, the seeker head will drift randomly following the background IR heat. The seeker will return to the boresight once the 'Cannon 600/Identification P' button is released. I.e. if a target is tracked, the button must be held pressed to keep the seeker on the target.
• AIM-9JULI launch delay was reduced to 0.4 seconds (AIM-9B/P/J still have 0.8 seconds).
• Magic 1 and 2 scan now is a 5 degrees wide rectangular pattern.
• Fixed Magic missile scan pattern. Sometimes the scan pattern size was excessively increased.
• Updated Magic missiles instantaneous seeker FOV. It is now 3.4 degrees wide.
• Wingtip missile energization switch now always spawns in ON position.
• Wingtip missile cooling time increased.

Flight model and control system:

• Adjusted yaw damper response (both amplitude and frequency).
• Adjusted wake turbulence behaviour. Now the aircraft won’t be so much affected by turbulence in yaw.

Autopilot:

• Fixed control stick slow jitter in some situations when AP was connected.
• Fixed autopilot roll issues that caused disconnection in MP (and in SP after a longer time).

Gyroscope system fixes:

• Fixed bug that impeded full alignment of the gyros if the Gyro mode switch is moved out of stop before the aircraft has AC power.
• Gyro failure overhaul:
  • Added new gyroscope related failures.
  • Fixed general gyroscopic central failure (it now works as described in the manual’s failures section).
• Changed CAP (heading) failure light logic to no longer depend on the attitude gyroscope state.

Various systems changes:

• Fixed missing decimals in loaded radio presets.
• Increased alternator overheating time.
• BARAX lights test logic will be always working now, disregarding the system test status.
• INS overhaul (first step):
  • Improved alignment steps and precision in all modes.
  • Accelerating during alignment now generates a malfunction in the INS and requires full realignment.
  • Fixed ALCM mode.
• Corrected oxygen test logic to follow manual description. Now the needle moves from full to empty to full again until the test button is depressed.
• Fixed oxygen indication energization logic. Now, when pressing the OXY TEST button, the oxygen indicator will be energized by the emergency AC bus 1 instead of the main AC bus 2, thus allowing the oxygen level to be read with the engine off.
• Fixed Standby Horizon attitude reference symbol movement with keyboard inputs.
• Fixed initial position of the ejection seat clickspot before it is pressed for the first time.

3D model and textures:

• Fixed the size of white dots in the Autopilot control panel.
• Fixed circuit breaker label (C de GYRO circuit breaker was incorrectly called NAV).
• Improved BR-250 bomb texture.
• Fixed the spherical indicator, it now shows the correct pitch attitude.
• Fixed the standby horizon, it now shows the correct pitch attitude.

Miscellaneous:

• Updated the Flight Manual.
• Updated the startup training mission: Highlighted the NWS high sensitivity button. Specified that the "I" key on the keyboard sets the throttle to idle.
• Added PHIMAT chaff pod to versions CT, CR, ED, BD, EQ, BQ. (Only visual for now).
• Added Stick Hide/Unhide keybind.

DCS: C-101 Aviojet by AvioDev

• AIM-9M launch delay was reduced to 0.4 seconds.
• Magic 1 and 2 scan now is a 5 degrees wide rectangular pattern.
• Fixed Magic missile scan pattern. Sometimes the scan pattern size was excessively increased.
• Updated Magic missiles instantaneous seeker FOV. It is now 3.4 degrees wide.
• Fixed missing decimals in loaded radio presets.
• Fixed startup training mission (EN, ES and CN). The aileron control test trigger should now work.

DCS: Flaming Cliffs by Eagle Dynamics

• Double pylons with B-8 rockets don't work on Su-27/33 - fixed

DCS: Black Shark 3 by Eagle Dynamics

• ME. Incorrect mass of payloads - fixed
• MP. 2011 version instead of 2022 when looking at other clients - fixed
• Rotor gearbox sounds updated

DCS: Combined Arms by Eagle Dynamics

• Fixed - Player can't use HE shells in the second stage if in the first stage set 0 HE shells.
• Fixed - "Zero-sight" mask in iso-view IR or NVG on MBT Abrams.

DCS: Normandy 2.0 Map by Ugra Media

• Added scene of Spitfires factories in Hampshire
• Added scene with flags and warehouses from machinery at Heathrow Airfield
• Added the port of Le Treport
• Added two fishing boats
• Added fishing boat routes
• Added underground tunnels in Paris
• Added new tram routes in London
• Added wooden piers
• Improved radar tower scenes in England and France
• Improved port scenes for Portsmouth, Dunkirk, London
• Improved traffic of trains and cars
• Added earthworks at English airfields Kenley, Ford, Chailey, Needs Oar Point, West Malling, Gravesend
• Improved scenes of Orly, Saint-Andre-de-lEure, Amiens-Glisy, Carpiquet, Gravesend, Kenley airfields
• Improved tent and sandbag shelter scenes at Ford, Chailey, Gravesend, Kenley airfields
• Part of metal car bridges replaced by stone ones
• Improved range of visibility settings for city objects
• Improved life settings for objects
• Improved lighting of objects
• Destruction models are optimised
• Added steps on Tower Bridge, Mirabeau Bridge, Alexander III Bridge
• Fixed errors in the Chailey, Farnborough, Ford, Kenley, Beny-sur-Mer, Bazenville, Deux Jumeaux airfield scenes
• Fixed errors in taxiways and car parks at Chailey, Farnborough, Ford, Kenley, Lymington, Orly, Villacoublay, Saint-Andre-de-lEure, Creil, Cormeilles-en-Vexin, Carpiquet, Sainte-Laurent-sur-Mer
• Terrain errors on the French coast have been fixed
• Levelled terrain in the ports of Portsmouth, Dunkirk, London, Boulogne-sur-Mer
• Fixed errors in land textures near the Isle of Wight and on the coast of the landing zone
• Corrected collisions in Louvre Museum arches, military school in Paris, Luxembourg Palace, Tower, Victoria Station, Liverpool Street Station, Kensington Palace, Buckingham Palace
• Fixed errors at Cumberland and Newhaven Forts
• Fixed the hands on the clocks at Victoria Station, Big Ben and model churches
• Increased texture resolution for minimum settings
• Improved cliffs on the coast of France
• Added large size flags

Campaigns

The Enemy Within 3.0 Campaign by Baltic Dragon:
General. Fixing typos, updates to briefings etc.

• Mission 01. Fixes to coordinates in subtitles. Removed unnecessary files from the mission.
• Mission 04. Added missing line for Pontiac. Updated on-screen messages so that player won't loose some of the comms.
• Mission 05. Removed duplicate briefing images. Updated flight plan (removed wrong WP1).
• Mission 06. Updated wrong kneeboard card with frequencies.
• Mission 07. Updated kneeboard and briefing images.
• Mission 09. Updated briefing images. Fixed issue with Overlord AI overstepping custom comms.
• Mission 11. Updated Player Group ID. Balancing of the difficulty for the infantry attack near the mosque.
• Mission 12. Fixed wrong VO for Lotus. Fixed overlapping comms for Raider.
• Mission 13. Fixed issue with missing debriefing. Minor typos fixed.
• Mission 15. Changed frequencies for some assets, so it is easier to manage the radios now.
• Mission 20. Updated mission date. Made some friendly units invisible so that they are not engaged by Russian SAMs.

DCS: F/A-18C Flaming Sunrise Campaign by Sandman Simulations

• Documentation – typos fixed
• All missions – typos fixed
• All missions – planning charts included in in-game kneeboard
• All missions – sidenumbers changed to be more realistic

DCS: F/A-18C Raven One: Dominant Fury Campaign by Baltic Dragon

• Horizontal Update. Updated and fixed skins for the campaign
• Mission 01. Fixed problem with AI flights not taking off and carrier turning constantly
• Mission 08. Fixed issue with Red orbiting around the carrier after takeoff
• Mission 12. Added safeguard for AI engaging the SAM sites

DCS: F/A-18C Inherent Resolve Campaign by Looking Glass

• Adjusted ALL mission start/wait times - users can start aircraft quickestart mission quicker
• Mission 5 - Barrel bombs - improved gameplay, added audio for fox calls player and wingman, improved AI, landings, sequencing
• Mission 11 - Chemical Alley - added immortal mode, improved gameplay, Enemy defences reduced, AAA FX improved, timings for tanker fixed
• Other bugs/errors corrected
• Mission End on mission fails has now been removed for ALL missions

I've always had a fear of death since a young age, but it has only grown worse. I grew up in a religious family and that's how it started. As I grew up, I started losing faith and I knew I was going to hell if I ever died. But as I've started losing faith, the fear of uncertainty also got to me. A couple years ago I've had a near death experience and that made everything worse for me. I'd get nightmares about dying and wake up shaking and sometimes crying. I've become a very light sleeper and whenever I hear a loud sound I'd jump out of bed thinking I'm going to die or someone is going to take my life.
Thankfully, all of that stopped recently. I am no longer afraid of dying and I've come to peace with it. I've been suicidal in the past but the fear of death always stopped me from actually doing it. I am 22 years old now and I am more depressed and suicidal than ever, to the point that death no longer scares me. I'm not sure whether that's a good thing or not, but I don't care anymore.
If you've read this to the end, I'm sorry if this is not what you wanted to read. But if I got over my fear, surely anyone can in a healthier way.
Appreciate those around you because you never know how much time you have left with them.

It’s almost been 10 years since I started to accept my home life wasn’t as great as I was once programmed to believe.
I always knew, deep down, the way they treated me wasn’t normal but I always thought that I got exactly what I deserved. So instead of bringing attention to it I hid it out of shame.
Nearly 10 years ago when I finally was validated by outside sources. I thought I could finally be free!. I thought it was like a magic spell that would break and everything can finally be “normal.”
This kind of stuff doesn’t go away though. I have so many personal problems and they all seem to be stimming from how I was treated as a small child. My confidence never existed, my real personality stomped out years ago, and I truly believe(d) I was(am) a big, too-sensitive, burden.
I sit there for hours thinking about how awful my earliest years were but it doesn’t seem to penetrate to my core. As soon as I’m not putting most of my energy into remembering it just vanishes like I didn’t just sit here doing the work.
It’s like my brain is still dissociating even though I feel like I’m putting all my brain power into recognizing it. Almost like my brain can’t except I even exist.
Only recently has my sleeping brain SORTA accepted what happened, but it also feels far away like it’s sitting on the horizon of my brain covered in fog.
Yesterday I had a breakthrough where I recognized and accepted the abuse I endured was awful….Again! Because It feels like im stuck in a cycle of accepting then denying when I’m not using my brain power to remember. My core is stuck in shame and denying mode.
Today I woke up and I felt I was back to square one where I was telling myself I’m too sensitive and the shit my parents did to me shouldn’t affect me because so many have it worse off.
I know I shouldn’t be comparing my trauma. It’s another thing that was programmed into me so I would not call out the abuse.
I just wish I could heal faster and become the person I’ve always dreamed of being.
Maybe this is normal? Maybe it really does take years even if (hypothetically) we do everything “right” to heal ourselves. Whatever it is, It’s left me very frustrated in my abilities.
Can anyone relate? How long have you been on your healing journey? Do you think we can ever truly heal?

Last month I posted on here about how I managed to do Yoga every day for a week.
And with nowhere else to go to share my progress but a desire to do so, here I am again.
It's been around 6-7 weeks that I've been doing Yoga now, nearly every day for at least 15 minutes. I missed 3 days in total due to being sick, and even that managed to only motivate me further.
In the past if I set a goal like that and missed even one day for whatever reason, I just stopped completely, but no, this time I managed to start it up again.
No matter how shitty I feel, how warm it is or how much I just want to be lazy for a day, I push myself up and do my god damn workout. If I feel really lazy I start by doing some easy and simple stretching poses and by the time I'm done with them I am usually motivated enough to keep going and do some more.
I started losing weight (or rather body fat) to a point where it's becoming visible, I start to slowly fit into old clothing again and I have become so much more flexible.
It's still a long way to go to where I want to be but for the first time in my life, I feel like I really can do it.
Usually I really struggle with working out, I'm impatient and hate moving, I hate feeling uncomfortable, I hate sweating. I become demotivated when I don't see progress after a day or two (which is unrealistic, I know) and I just stop thinking it's not worth it anyways.
So finding yoga and the way I see even the smallest improvement very fast has really helped me. Because normally you don't see improvement after just a few days, but with Yoga you kind of do. Not much, but it was enough to keep me going and motivate me.
How hyperaware I am of everything going on in my body helped with that too, because I was able to feel easily just how holding a certain pose got easier or how my breathing changed and got deeper - it has been the little things like these that helped me with my impatience, to focus on the little things and set realistic goals for myself.
It's no longer "I want to become fit in a week and if I don't I'll just give up", no it's "I want to be able to do this pose without modifying it, so I'll work towards that."
And that's fucking refreshing. I can channel things that usually inconvenience me in my day to day life (my hyperawareness and my inability to really relax) into my practice and slowly guide my body to work with me instead of me fighting against myself.
So if anyone struggles with this kind of impatience, the inability to work towards a goal and a disdain for movement too, I can't recommend Yoga enough.

Would you face your greatest fear to obtain a great desire?
This is a question I have to face. When I think of the rewards my chest grows warmth and my heart excited. When I think of what I need to do to get there, that's where fear comes in. Raw fear. The kind you want to push away and bury but it gets bigger and heavier. It's a kind of fear that keeps me up at night, makes my skin crawl, stomach hurt. This feeling makes me wish I was a child again. Sometimes I pull a blanket over my head to reenact hiding from monsters. Occasionally this strategy works.
The truth is, my greatest fear is considered mundane. Something I'm supposed to be able to get over and get through. Just like so many others. I'm supposed to ignore the risks. I'm supposed to pretend I don't know how many people are killed by my fear every year. How many died this last month, how bad their deaths were, how many of those deaths happened just down the road from me. I'm supposed to ignore that there are entire series of horror movies inspired by this fear? I'm supposed to ignore the stories of my aunts and cousins, because everyone knows someone- someone who died. It's a favorite spooky story. It's also terribly sad.
I'm afraid. I'm afraid of death, caused by pregnancy.
I'm afraid of dying because something else inside of me, something that can tear me apart, along with my life.
What do you do if having your own child is a life goal, but bearing your own child is your greatest fear? What do you do if the concept fills with both great joy and overwhelming fear?
I think it's ignorant to ignore, to forget, to hide the truth. Childbirth is dangerous still. Childbearing is fascinating, and also horrifying. Your body mutates and you can't control how you change or feel. You have no idea how your mind or body will feel at the end. Doctors don't really know either. They guess. They take little samples of you to probe and inspect, and they give you vague ideas as to your best chance to success. That is, if you have a good doctor. What to do if you're expecting? Honestly - it's only responsible to update your will.
My family is Catholic, that means they have lots of babies. I've seen a lot of women in the birthing room. I've heard them yell out. I've seen them bleed. I've seen them need help to walk to the toilet afterwards, and cry while attempting to pee. I grew up on a farm. I've seen countless animals give birth. No matter how many times I see a horse giving birth, I'm always caught by the look in the mares eyes. Her eyes are wide and dark and searching to know if it will end well. Sometimes it does. Sometimes.
There are some tribes who consider dying in childbirth to be as honorable as dying in battle. Blood, fear, bravery- that comparison checks out to me. But I would never willingly go to war.
Will I willingly choose to do this to my own body? My own body I've worked so hard to learn and love? My own body I'm supposed to treat as a temple?
Of course the other option is not to. To disappoint my husband who wants a baby with his eyes and my nose. To disappoint my family who want the bond of a hereditary grandchild. To disappoint myself in knowing I was not brave enough.
I'm not decided yet, if I will, or if I won't. But I just wish it were more normal to talk about it all. To talk about what scary fucking bullshit the whole thing is. The baby in the carriage is the biggest elephant in the room, or in this case the globe, I've ever witnessed. Please tell me im not alone in this fear.

• a young woman.

So I feel like my playstyle in FM is kinda messed up, and I really want to know how I can improve it, since all of the gameplays I see on here are nowhere near close to how I play. People use weird tactics that nearly always work on me, somehow dribble past so many of my players, and it seems like almost everybody is relying on the script, and I want to get rid of that and play better. If you want (you do not have to), you can critique me on how I can improve my playstyle and become a better player, as sometimes I even lose to sweaty no-life useless hobos who are rated 5 ovr less than me and think they’re SoOoO cool and DifFeReNt since they are f2p and i’m a mild p2p. I’ve uploaded a video of my gameplay on youtube and you can either critique me in the replies of this post OR on youtube, whatever feels best for you. https://youtu.be/QrrvCujCTZI

Since it's established in Spider-Verse 2 that Miles is not meant to be a spider-man, at least according to Spider-Man 2099, wouldn't we have seen the TVA in the movie? Or during the cannon event of the Indian Spider-Man, wouldn't the TVA have come out after the disruption of the cannon event?
Granted the TVA was a lesser known entity in Marvel until Loki which came out during the making of Spider-Verse 2; It makes me wonder if 99 is a part of the TVA or knows of its existence or if the TVA. Or if the TVA was even considered as a plot in the movie.

Anybody having any luck on any golf buddy apps?
-not god awful not good (can break 100) -42 yo stable dad -like to crack a few cold ones and listen to tunes -heavy politicals need not apply
Looking to run 9 for Friday happy hour at or near Lochmere.
Hit me up.
Cheers,
BP

I had made plans to catch up with 2 friends last weekend that I had not seen in nearly a year. I told my gf about it and said she was welcome to join us so she agreed. She said she didn't want to stay out too late and said she'd probably get the last bus home. We all met up and went for food and had a few drinks then went to a couple more bars.
My gf mentioned that she was going for the bus so I told her I'll see her when I get back then and to let me know when she got home safely. She asked if I was staying out later and I said yeah since I hadn't seen my friends is a long time and she said she thought I'd be going back with her. I todl her no and that I'm happy to get her a taxi if she doesn't want to get the bus. She said on and got annoyed, I asked why it was a big deal and she knew I was planning a night out.
She said I knew she didn't want to be out too late but I just pointed out that that doesn't mean I didn't want to stay out late. She said I was being unreasonable since she wanted to go back with me but I told her no and that I am staying out. She called me an AH and stormed out of the bar and refused to reply when I messaged her. AITA for staying out later?

hi (unfortunately) i got the crazy idea of trying for the japan follow shows but underestimated how complicated and near impossible it truly is. I've never been to japan or even considered it a possibiltiy, but my fathers 60th birthday is coming up around that time and the saitama shows would line up perfectly. its always been his dream to go there so i'm fighting for my LIFEEE trying to grasp what the hell to do to secure a ticket : For starters, i have like 5 names (latinx carats wya 🥲) which stresses me out during the account creation process as its usually last name then first name but what do i do if i have 3 first names and 2 last names (also its katakana counterpart) moreover, the dream is to somehow secure premium seats for both dates (saitama) and apply to the fanclub/any lotteries im able to apply for (carat mobile? lawson? general?) and in the case of losing all of them, is general ticketing even possible with how competitive it is and with no jp number or address? this is probably the worst time ive had my whole life trying to grasp my mind around and I just want to know if its even realistic to try or if i should just give up.
sorry for the dramatics i truly feel like the world is caving in on me over a damn fanclub application and lottery. I've read all the posts but still have 362927992$5 questions, especially about getting a hold of a jp number + address and the name entry at the venue. ANY advice is appreciated :')

Me, remembering the scenes where a kid is stabbed in the gut, someone is turned inside out, a girl nearly cuts her own hand off, and a young child is forced to eat rotting food: "It's like... probably fantasy."

I am a college student and am currently writing a report on the topic - "Gauging attitudes towards gender, gender equality, misogyny and misandry", and I would like to take down your opinions for this survey of mine. Link to the survey: https://forms.gle/co5dGPo3efgFXmsQ8.
Your participation would help me complete my assignment and also get to know some interesting statistics. Participants are required to be of Indian nationality, and over 15 years of age. Your personal information and information pertaining to your identity will NOT be collected in this survey. Your anonymity is assured.
I promise to share the results of the survey once I gain a certain number of responses on this form.
Thank you! Sorry for the off topic post. Your participation in this survey is vital. Thanks again!

TLDR: (probably slightly autistic) robotics engineer dated a beutifull artist. When the artist started to understand the world she had an identity crisis, when the engineer started to understand emotions he had an identity crisis, and they broke up. Its been 6-9months since the breakup, should the engineer pursue the artist again?
Last year I met and dated a lovely girl from new years day, untill the next new years day. After a few weeks, I met her dad, I asked her to be my girlfriend after this, but she said not yet but we agreed to date exclusively regardless. I made it a point that she would have to ask me to be her boyfriend when she was ready, I would tease her about it allot. She introduced me as her boyfriend to her friends that hadnt met me, so I'd tease her about it again to prompt her. We did very couply things, like meeting parents, all family events, my best friends daughters christening (she wasnt even christian, so that meant the world to me).
After a couple of months she was saying things like "I never even thought I wanted kids, untill I met you". The sex was amazing, when we we're first getting intimate I was pretty anxious because shes pretty much a 10, and she said it was super hard for her to orgasm (only one bf did before me did, and very irregular). After about our third time we had her hitting orgasm multiple times in a session. Was amazing.
BUT I THINK IM SLIGHTLY AUTISTIC AND DIDNT LET LOVE DEVELOP IN MYSELF UNTILL SHE ASKED ME OUT OFFICIALLY.
Anyway, after about 6 months, honeymoon phase was winding down relationship weight was on, and it was time for us to hit the gym for my best friends wedding in november. I was getting great results (because I think im slightly autistic and just treat my body like a machine), but she wasnt. Girls were hitting on me, even when I was holding her hand in public walking around. Wild, that shit had never happened to me ever before. It made her very self conscious, and filled me with toxic pride (I wasnt aware at the time).
She was very naive when we first met, and I enlightened her to allot of domains of life. She started having an identity crisis, at the same time she was becoming self conscious. During our mutual breakup conversation she said "when I met you, I had zero oppinions about anything, and now I feel like all my oppinions are just yours, in my head" - this isnt the outcome I wanted at all. I wanted to enlighten her and watch her develop her own oppinions, and hopefully they would align with mine.
By 11 months we still hadnt told each other the I love you words consciously (we had both said it a few times in bed when your like half asleep lol). I almost drowned kayaking in a raging torrent, and only just managed to save myself. I had a little freak out, rushed straight to her house for headpats and to tell her I loved her. She said it back and I thought it was sweet as. But it was not sweet as. She went into a massive anxiety spiral, thinking that I didnt think what she said was from the heart, because I was spaced out (she obviously hasnt had any near death experiences lol) - she didnt tell me this untill we broke up.
We decided to breakup because she wanted to find her own oppinions/identity and I wanted to work on more domains of life (business, gym, remodeling house and community building). She was pretty depressed, and I couldnt pull her out of it despite trying which is also why I wanted to go.
To maximise the domain of community building, I had to develop my communication skills. To develop my communication skills, I had to develop better emotional awareness. To build the emotional awareness I had to do deep self reflection. Ironically, this has lead to me having my own identity crisis. But instead of me having no oppinions like her, I had no emotional awareness and she unlocked that in me. This self awareness has allowed me to see allot of negative traits of my charecter I didnt even realise. Its allowed me to see and feel how she would of, when I was full of toxic pride.
I've knuckled down and got my shit together. I'm very well built now, and coaching a few men in the gym (this is how I have learned to manage my pride -- by building others up, I'm the hype man for everyone in the gym now). I've built a new community from the ground up with weekly catchups, that happen even if I'm not there. I've joined 2 other big communities and am quickly ascending the heirarchies. I'm on the verge of shutting my business down and taking a very good job, so I can focus more energy on community building and/or a relationship. I'm probably 12 weeks away from being house proud.
I've started dating again after my 6months of monk mode, but no women compare to her. And the pool I am drawing from now is way bigger than the pool I was in when I met her. After I conquer the last objective I set myself (house proud) I think I want to reach out to her and see if she is open to me pursuing her again, because I'm radically more aware and kinda different. I'm sure she has developed her own opinions and is different as well.
We caught up about 2 months after the breakup for her to pickup a camp chair she left with me, and my stupid subconscious took over and just flirted with her at max capacity because I missed her smile. She laughed and blushed lots. After I got her smiles, I managed to say "I really am sorry for turning into a dick when I hit the gym, all the break up is on me" she refused to accept it, but said "yes you did turn into a dick but its 50/50 on me too". I have better communication skills now though.
She sends me a snap randomly when ever she goes fishing (my hobby), I send her a snap when ever I see nice art (her hobby). No words or communication, just like a gesture of us thinking about eachother I think? I deleted all socials except for snap at the breakup, and have no intentions of ever going on them again (because of my toxic pride trait). I post a no context snap story of some new place in nature I discover every week (we both love exploring nature), she catches every single one. She hasnt posted any snap stories, unsure of insta as no access and not going to look.
The way I see it is I have two options,
Option 1: approach her for a coffee and see if we vibe again, then be clear with the fact I want to pursue her with all the learnings I have discovered and hopefully have a 10x better relationship that could be it.
Option 2: Or dont and just integrate these learnings into the next girl. I had a hard rule of never going back to exs due to an early, horrible experience lol. But this one is different, she makes me want to break my own rules.

How often do you visit your parents? How often do they visit you?
I have realised that my mother (single parent) has NEVER made the effort to come see me since I've moved out of home.
When I first moved away, I was a 10/15 min drive away. Then it was literally a 5 min drive. Now due to financial reasons it's a 45 min drive.
My mum doesn't drive, has some health implications that mean she needs to be close to a toilet. I would happily pay for a taxi and ensure she knows where toilets are on a train, near a bus stop etc.
For as long as I've been in my own places, I have always made the effort. Going to visit multiple times per week, which only slowed down to once a week due to the longer drive. I've often drove to her to bring her to mine, to drop her back, to then come back. I call her once or twice a week, e-mail a few times. I take her food shopping or to get whatever she needs. She is obsessive about Harry & Meghan - so I sit and listen to all of that.
As I'm now in my 40s, I'm finding I get tired more easily. I work full time for the government in a good job, have a business on the side, with a partner who just started their own business - and I'm feeling kinda pissed, annoyed, like I'm not worth the effort, plus then when I think these things, guilt I'm not doing more. She doesn't ask about my business, but always asks about my partner's.
I've mentioned moving further away which would be in-between her and my partner's family and she was not at all happy. Despite some health issues, she is still really with it, a clever woman and doesn't socialise or get out of the house unless it's with me.
Apologies for the "stream of consciousness" - any ideas on how best to approach my getting older and bearing the brunt of responsibility. I've always felt like the parent and not the child and this just adds to it.

I usually go to lalbagh very often as I live near by, saw mango mela going on inside lalbagh, so many stalls selling mango I wanted to buy but got confused from whom to buy, anyone who been there and purchased mangoes inside lalbagh can you recommend me a stall by their name, they have have huge banners with their store name and which area it was sourced from. Any good quality mangoes will do but preferably I am looking for malgova variety.

I have been with my partner for 20+ years. We know each other extremely well and have a great relationship. Our sex life has been great. I have educated myself over the years about how to be a better partner emotionally, physically, and mentally. It has improved our sex life a lot.
I go into intimacy to enjoy ourselves, but I am also proactive and intentional about making it a great experience or great multiple experiences in one session for my partner. I am never in a hurry and genuinely enjoy being intimate.
I have learned something fairly new about my partner as our sex life has improved. My partner enjoys receiving. My partner will "give," but I can tell it's usually not in a way to maximize my pleasure or "blow my mind" so to speak. It usually feels like my partner is ready to be done with it quickly once my partner's receiving is over. My partner will give, but it does not seem to be nearly as intentional or passionate as the energy I bring to the table to maximize my partner's pleasure. I am not sure how to feel about this.
I tried to talk about it and ask why my partner seems to get in a hurry. The response I got was that my partner is not as 'patient' as me. I find that odd because my partner is patient when receiving. I want to address this without sounding needy and without sounding like I am complaining. Has anyone been in a similar situation?

This must be an everlasting effect after pregnancy for me - is anyone else having this problem? My sense of smell has been in OVER-THE-TOP HYPERDRIVE ever since having kids and it has never stopped. It might even be getting worse? They're already 6 and 3 so... I'm dying.
I feel like I can smell everything and it is so unpleasant. I feel like everything is dirty, even when it's not. I can clean the house top to bottom and I'm still so bothered.
I can smell the trash at all times. I can smell the toilet even if it's spotlessly cleaned. I take my daughter's diapers to the OUTSIDE trash can, spray the house and air the place out and it still drives me nuts.
I smell dust.
I smell the rug.
I smell dishes in the sink.
The fucking litter box has been permanently banned from the house.
My kids can be freshly bathed and they still stink to me, it's hard to cuddle with them because all I smell is breath or hair.
I can smell the dogshit in my neighbor's backyard 24/7 and it makes me want to put my fist through a wall.
I can smell people when they walk by and their unwashed hair nearly takes me out.
Certain foods, like bread or bagels just make me gag now.
I'm so tired of being inundated with BAD SMELLS. I have my shirt over my nose all the time or just mouth breathe. No one else notices these things.
It makes me physically angry because it just so gross and overwhelming
Do I have to just wear nose plugs? I'd that the answer? Will this stop??

Soo hello people of reddit, i am looking to talk to new people, listen to their experiences and share mine as well, im 19 years old, gamer, computer science student, indian ( just your typical avg guy ) .... i love to listen to people, read books, and listen to linkin park on repeat
thanks for reading my post, my dms are open, feel free to reachout to me :)

Hi everyone,
Shipping from California to US only. Did my best to price appropriately, but if something seems off, let's talk.
$5 unlimited shipping. $20 minimum to ship. Paypal Goods and Services only.
Grading is record/sleeve.
If interested, please comment and then send a message/chat. Would LOVE to trade. Trade list of wants is at the bottom.
Thanks for looking!
Art Pepper - Early Art VG+/VG+ - $15
Sleeve has corner cut on spine side and is a little dirt/ringwear on bottom and top which is a bit more visible with it being an off white color jacket. Most of the record plays quite well but there are a couple tics at the beginning of the second track on the fourth side. Happy to send pics.
Atmosphere - Seven's Travels NM/NM - $20 Played once.
Bob Marley - 20 Greatest Hits VG+/VG+ - $10
Byron Janis - Piano Concertos VG+/VG+ - $15
Derek and the Dominos - Layla and Other Assorted Love Songs VG+/STRONG VG $15
(Creasing to bottom of cover near spine. Initials in blue marker on bottom right of cover.)
Horace Silver - Song For My Father VG+/VG+ - $25 (With Obi)
Jack McDuff - Magnetic Feel VG+/VG+ - $15
Junior Mance Trio - That's Where It Is VG+/NM - $10 in shrink.
Kim So Hee - Pansori Korea's Epic Vocal Art Instrumental Music VG+/VG - $20 (name on label in pen)
Les Baxter and his Orchestra - The Primitive and the Passionate VG+/VG+ - $10
Lonnie Smith - Keep On Lovin' VG+/VG - $15 Sleeve has some significant creasing near top, most prominent on back, happy to send pics.
Me First and the Gimme Gimmes - Take a Break NM/NM - $20 Played once, in shrink.
Miles Davis - Quiet Nights VG+/VG+ - $15 in shrink.
Not 100% sure this is the right Discogs listing, Runouts end with 1k on A side and 1AF on B side.
Muscle Shoals Horns - Doin' It To The Bone VG+/VG - $12
Nilsson - Nilsson Schmilsson STRONG VG/VG - $10
plays clean except some noise for first 45 seconds or so of Without You which is kind of annoying. Sleeve in pretty good shape but big ol Promo timing strip deal across bottom half of cover
Oscar Peterson Trio - Night Train VG+/NM - $30 (RE6 on A RE3 on B with scratch outs) Borderline NM all around
Paul Desmond - Easy Living NM/NM $40 (In shrink, beautiful)
Ramones - Subterranean Jungle VG+/VG+ $25
(name written on labels, small price sticker on top right front of jacket.)
Ramones - Too Tough To Die VG+/VG+ - $30
(Name on label in pen, creasing and a little bit of sticker residue on cover.)
Rusty Bryant - Fire Eater NM/NM - $25
Sam Coffey and the Iron Lungs - Sam Coffey and the Iron Lungs - NM/NM - $10
Stan Getz/Joao Gilberto - Getz/Gilberto - VG+/NM - $35 in shrink.
Stan Getz / Charlie Byrd - Jazz Samba STRONG VG/STRONG VG - $10
Various - A Motown Christmas VG+/VG+ - $30
Various - Funky Stuff: The Best of Funk Essentials Volume One VG+/STRONG VG - $12 (creasing on bottom right corner of sleeve)
Vince Guarald - Oh, Good Grief! VG+/NM - $25 (borderline NM on media, in shrink.)
ALL BELOW $3 EACH:
Aerosmith - Live! Bootleg
Bob James - Heads
Bread - The Best of Bread
Bread - The Best of Bread Volume Two
Bud Shank - Bud Shank and the Sax Section
Charlie Byrd - The Great Byrd
Charlie Byrd - Hollywood Byrd
Charlie Byrd - Sketches of Brazil
Cliff Richard - Best 20
Colin James Hay - Looking For Jack
The Crusaders - Unsung Heroes
Elton John - 17-11-70
Elton John - Blue Moves
Elton John - Rock of the Westies
Enoch Light and the Brass Menagerie - The Brass Menagerie 1973
Greg Kihn - Again
Jim Croce - You Don't Mess Around with Jim
Johnny Hodges - The Eleventh Hour
Judy Collins - Recollections
Kenny G - Duotones
Les Baxter His Orchestra And Chorus - Voices In Rhythm
Loverboy - Get Lucky
Mark Colby - Serpentine Fire
Michael Stanley Band - Heartland
Mike Rutherford - Smallcreep's Day
Mystic Moods Orchestra - One Stormy Night
Pete Seeger - We Shall Overcome
Rick Springfield - Tao
Rick Springfield - Beautiful Feelings
Rick Wakeman - Journey to the Centre of the Earth
The Rubinoos - Back to the drawing board
The Rubinoos - Party of Two
Tropea - Tropea VG+/VG+
Vangelis - Opera Sauvage
Vic Feldman - Mallets A Fore Thought G+/G
Windham Hill Records Sampler '82
Wings - London Town
LOOKING TO TRADE FOR AND/OR BUY THESE:
Charles Kynard - Woga
Donald Byrd - Kofi
Funk Inc. - Chicken Lickin'
Grateful Dead - Wake of the Flood
Harold Ousley - The Kid!
Horace Silver Quintet - Cape Verdean Blues
Ike Quebec - Bossa Nova Soul Samba
Keith Jarrett - The Survivor's Suite
Melvin Sparks - Akilah!
Neal Creque - Contrast!
O'Donel Levy - Simba
Pucho & His Latin Soul Brothers - Jungle Fire!
Teddy Edwards - Nothin' But The Truth!
Wavves - V
Yusef Lateef - Detroit
Primarily looking for Jazz/Funk type stuff, so if you have something along those lines let me know!

I am a college student and am currently writing a report on the topic - "Gauging attitudes towards gender, gender equality, misogyny and misandry", and I would like to take down your opinions for this survey of mine. Link to the survey: https://forms.gle/co5dGPo3efgFXmsQ8.
Your participation would help me complete my assignment and also get to know some interesting statistics. Participants are required to be of Indian nationality, and over 15 years of age. Your personal information and information pertaining to your identity will NOT be collected in this survey. Your anonymity is assured.
I promise to share the results of the survey once I gain a certain number of responses on this form.
Thank you! Apologies for the off-topic post.

I’m in year 10 and I had to leave my first school since I was bullied after getting into a fight that started out of nowhere. I was punched 8-12 times in the head. Afterwards I stabbed my hand with scissors and had to go to hospital which a lot of people made fun of me on and blamed me.
Before this all happened, I was usually playful and did stupid funny stuff in class. I wasn’t too distracting and people thought I was sweet and chill. After the fight, I started to become completely quiet and barely talked to anyone, even my friends.
3 days after the fight, I returned to school. When I came back, this one girl started to be unbelievably nice and we started to become friends. Of course I still got some support from other people but she was the only one who checked up on me daily.
The few days while I was back, a lot of other people made fun of me for going to the hospital a lot of people were mad at me for calling the police and didn’t really get any support besides this one girl and two of my other good friends, even some of the friend group weren’t on my side or cared, even though I did nothing to start the fight.
I self harmed about 3-4 times a month since June 2022 but ever since the incident (beginning of March) it has been about 3-4 times a week. Barely anyone noticed before the incident but then I started to do it more frequently and didn’t try to hide it as much.
The worst time was about April when I brought a knife in and stabbed myself in the hand to the point I could barely move it. This was when people started to sympathise but it was also when people were at their worst. Some people made fun of me for stabbing my hand and refused to be near me, even my other ‘friends’ still.
The school had to check my bag everyday now. Soon, I brought in a knife another time but I was told if I did it again, I would get expelled. I was given 2 days inclusion. I sneaked in scissors another time and the school was mad at me but didn’t expel me. I was again given 2 days inclusion. I sliced my hand with a sharpener blade and got another day inclusion lost my support from the headteacher. They didn’t expel me. But they said for definite if I did it again, I’m expelled.
At this point everyone felt bad for me, besides these 2 people (one of them being who punched me). They were still mad and hated me for stabbing myself. They were a major reason why I moved schools. It was the worst decision I’ve ever made.
I still had the 3 really good friends (one boy, 2 girls) who have been on my side all the time and cared for me a lot. Although I still had thoughts about them and not wanting to move because of them, I still did. I just didn’t think they were enough. The dumbest reason why I left and my main regret was because I a crush on one of the girls but it was clear they liked someone else so I just couldn’t handle it anymore. They were still a really, really good friend and the only one who comforted me a lot ever since the fight. This was one of the dumbest reasons that influenced me to move. I can not emphasise enough how much I regret this decision.
I had a sudden breakdown in front of my dad and brought up everything that has ever happened. This was when I asked him to move schools. It was two weeks later when I moved. And within those two weeks I’ve told my friends. The main 3 convinced me to stay but I didn’t listen to their advice. They brought up stuff like ‘you need to make new friends, you’ve been with us for 3 years, you won’t find anyone with connection you have with us’. I should’ve listened to them. I would have listened to them but the fact that the headteacher said I could get expelled if I did again went to my head. I thought for definite I would do it again. I felt regret even before I moved, I would’ve asked if my dad if I can just stay at my old school and stupidly I thought it would be too awkward.
The last week at my old school was my hardest. I genuinely felt happy and I felt like all my prior problems that happened had finally stopped. I started to become more playful. But I felt dread knowing I was going to move, the bad feeling when I asked my dad to move had completely gone. I wanted to stay but all the paperwork had been done and it was too late.
I kept the fact that I was going to move from everyone else until the last day. When they all found out, they all looked sad. Even the people who made it clear they didn’t like me said sincerely they would miss me. I spent most of my last day misbehaving and having fun with everyone else, which I haven’t done for a while. But, the friend group I didn’t like as much didn’t even bother to say goodbye or hang out with me on my last day, this really made my decision on moving definite, I somehow felt happy I was moving and eager to start the new school.
The next day, I started the new school. I expected everyone to be nicer and more friendly but my first lesson everyone didn’t want to be next to me. The reasons they said was because ‘He’s Chinese’ and ‘He so ugly’.
2 days later I was invited to join a friend group. I felt happy that they invited me but they ended up being the most bullied people in the year. I wouldn’t have minded it but how weird they acted compared to how chill I wanted them to be disappointed me. They do weird stuff (not like morally bad) that I just feel uncomfortable to be around. They were nothing like my old friends and I don’t feel comfortable acting the way they act. So currently I’m just sitting there on my phone for the entire of break and lunch and occasionally having small conversations with two out of 7 of them. They’re not all bad people but just don’t want to hang out with them. However, one of the guys punched a Year 8 girl in the face and threw hot chocolate at her for only making fun of him and his friend’s glasses. I do not want to be near him but he’s the only guy who would talk to me.
I’ve had to urges to self harm again but if I did, self harming was one of the main reasons why I moved so I couldn’t do it again or else I moved for no reason. I’m still hated and unpopular but my new school just makes me feel worse.
I still talk to the main 3 over the phone but it just sucks not being able to see them as much, especially how they live in another town.
What’s worse is how I had to pick up an entirely new subject (geography) that I have to catch up on by myself and have to learn two more English literature texts (Romeo and Juliet & A Christmas Carol) before the mocks which is in 2 more weeks. AND I still need to be up to date with all my other subjects since all my classes are much ahead of me. I have been unbelievably stressed trying to catch up with all the work I’ve fallen behind in.