Rebound rehab physical therapy

My husband(33m) and I(30f) have been married 6 years. We’ve been best friends for 10. I feel like the pressure of marriage and children caused him to try to constantly escape mentally and resent me. Typical, I know. He was often distant and irritable and made it clear he would rather be smoking marijuana, watching porn, playing video games, or lusting after other coworkers even if there was no physical cheating. Regardless of all of this, I swear, he is still one of the best men I’ve ever met. He’s just human. I love him very much.
However, I think I was in denial of my husband not loving me as much as I love him. I always felt like I wasn’t perfect either so I should not expect so much of him. He’s the avoidant, I’m the anxiously attached.
I tried over and over to “save” our marriage for our kids. All with very little cooperation from him. He was a provider and was not interested in anything extra.
My breaking point was in December. He had often been rough during sex but it was getting out of control. I told him I don’t want him watching porn anymore because it was affecting our sex life(he watched a lot of fantasy rape porn).
He agreed but I really felt like he was lying so one night I went through his phone and what I found shocked me. He was watching a ton of porn(he obviously had an addiction). He also had an onlyfans(I’ve 100% mentioned before I would not be ok with it) and he subscribed and paid to many women, including “teen” girls. I found he saved multiple images and videos of these “18” year old girls from their social media. I also found he casually and sexually talked to one of them that he seemed to really like. It disgusts me because I looked at her social media and she was in fact about to start college. Meaning she was in highschool when they started talking on onlyfans(he claims to know none of this and didn’t notice her age). I also found he had looked up a coworker for his porn stash and he tried to message her on Facebook(he later admitted to having a crush on her and masturbating to her and that this was not the first coworker he masturbated to).
I was so horrified and heartbroken that I thought I was having a heart attack. For 2 entire weeks my heart physically hurt so bad I almost went to the hospital. I am a very strong advocate for older men not getting involved in ANY way with young girls. He insists that porn just desensitized him and he didn’t think of her as really 18, just hot. I’m just still so disgusted. It was also right before I turned 30 so it destroyed my self esteem. I had poured everything I had into this man for 6 years.
He blamed it all on porn addiction. I did research on porn addiction and tried to save our marriage again. He had promised to delete everything and be open and let me see his phone whenever. One night I had a few glasses of wine and I tried to grab his phone and he refused. The way I remember it was trying to grab it and ask to go through it, he refused so I flipped and tried to pull the phone out of his hands. He then got up, threw me to the ground full force and broke my ring finger. Yes, the one my ring goes on. He said I was much more aggressive(I don’t remember this) and he had to throw me to get me to stop.
My ring finger healed slightly crooked because I had to take my splint off so much as a stay at home moms to two young kids. My ring no longer fits on it.
I feel like this was some sort of ridiculous sign where I can literally no longer unsee how damaging and toxic this marriage is.
I finally told him I’m done for good this time. Whenever we would get in fights or separate in the past, if he apologized and swore to change I would go right back to him immediately, giving him whatever he wanted so he would want this marriage this time. I think he thought I would never leave. Probably because I have no family, few friends, no income, and am unhealthily obsessed with him.
This time I pulled the strength I needed out of thin air and was really done. I was prepared to take the kids and I to a shelter if I needed to(he’s punched a few holes in the wall before when I’ve made him mad).
My whole demeanor towards him changed. I almost don’t even recognize myself anymore because normally I’d forgive him and we’d be in the “just worked things out everything is happy again” phase by now.
At first my husband was ok with divorcing and was being civil and it was such a relief, but he is freaking out all of the sudden, I’ve never seen him like this either. He started going back to therapy. He’s researching his issues and apologizing to me for all these little things he finally recognizes. He recently got a huge promotion and he is saying he will buy us a house since we can finally afford it.
He’s treating me like I always wanted. A house is what I’ve always wanted for my kids. I don’t think I will ever be able to give them anything but a shitty apartment if I leave. I can’t help but feel like I can see two sides of my life and the one that gives my kids and I the best life is staying with him.
He’s begging me to go to marriage counseling but I don’t want to. A switch flipped in me. I refuse to have sex with him, I refuse to give him any part of me other than civil conversation and friendship at most.
There is this part of me that just can’t turn back but there is this other part of me that is already starting to consider it. Even if it means driving myself into paranoia again.
Should I take him back or would I be an absolute fool?

We've been married since the 14th on Jan 2022 and met in 2020. I'm 38M and she's 38F I want to start be saying I love this woman very much shes a great person and i want a future with her. I'm just inexperienced with being married and even relationships in general so I need some help from people that have more marriage/relationship experience. We've been in a rut lately going to work comming home and repeating each day, my wife and I are in agreeance that we haven't had a connection for a while(6 month or so if i had to take a conservative guess). We have talked about it maybe 3 times before but I can only speak from my part, maybe I could have done more such as try do more to brung us closer togther like more date nights etc. 2 weeks ago she wasn't feeling well so I put her offish demeanor towards me down to her not feeling well 2 days later she started feeling better and I had my wisdom teeth extracted so as she was starting to feel better I started feeling worse from my surgery fast forward a couple day and I was well enough to go to work. After work she suggested we meet up at a cafe, I had a whispering voice at the back of my head saying something was wrong and I felt something was off when our dog wasn't with her. We ended up having a conversation saying that we haven't had a connection for some time. I agreed with her and I tried to reassure her that we can fix this and its just a temporary situation couples face. She suggested therapy the last time we spoke about our marriage(3 or so months ago) and I made the mistake of not being for it. Some back story to this is I had a very toxic relationship before this one and I have some very bad memories from therapy, I felt like our marriage was failing if we went to therapy and we could solve our issues between my current wife and I, ourselves. In retrospect I should have paid closer attention to what appears to be a cry for help. Following that chat about our relationship we had some special times where we bonded and we both were happy but leading up to the chat 10 days ago where she told me she needed a break to figure out why she's not happy, leqding upnto this chat she became very cold to me during that week, I tried showing affection but she didn't show me much back. Please don't get me wrong prior to all of this yes there was room for improvement but we still laughed together and had some good times together but it's like a switch went off in her head. I don't belive she could have changed her feeling for me so quickly, I feel there's a few things going on, firstly she's questioning if we are good to have a family together and that we are a good match as a couple. I tend to be more pragmatic and look at life that things go in cycles, yes thing were not where we need to be in our relationship now because of my current work I'm doing (planning to leave my job in August and she knows this) which is stressful and a strain on our relationship because it takes so much out of me I feel our relationship maybe suffers because I enjoy relaxing during the week after work instead of going on more date nights and on the weekends I am up for doing things but I like to sleep in a bit as I wake up at 630 each day. She's in a high stress job too, she works from home and I feel her work isn't healthy for her. She was also going to the gym which I think was really good for her mentally and physically but she stopped since she had a surgery that required her to not work out for a few weeks. She also wants to leave her job and shes stRted setting up a business but she hasnt been able to leave her job yet, She's been staying at her dad's place for 10 days now and we've been communicating for the past 3 or so days she agreed that I will call her each night. I try keep the conversation light as we just started talking after a week of not much comms, she is nice on the phone (her old self with me) but there is an bit of standoffness. We exchange messages but I try not flood her with messages as I'm trying to give her space and not push her away. She went to go see a therapist to figure out her feelings and I said I will go see a therapist too as I think there's some things I need to work on and ultimately I'd like to get us to see a therapist together. I really don't know what to do, I miss her so much, thenday after all ofnthisnhappened i wrote her a letter and left it at her dad's house basically putting my heart on my sleeve and left her flowers last weekend, I still see our dog as I miss him too. There's a part of me that thinks she doesn't love me anymore but I dont understand how her feelings could change so quickly I didn't cheat on her or do anything to hurt her, theres a anouther part of me that has a glimmer of hope when i speak to her. I just need some advise on how to handle the situation, we've barely been married (Jan 2022) and I would say there's obviously a lot going on in her head but I feel some of it brought on by her forgetting that things change and how they are now with work our relationship etc isn't permanent and we will have amazing times together too as we did before. Please excuse the essay.

I couldn't quite put my finger on why I felt so overwhelmed by the physicality when I think about rejection until I read the book Attached by Amir Levine and the way we are wired to want love. It's been a long journey all my life of various spectrums of disabledness all my life. I've had immense trauma all my life and it wasn't until I was 31 I was diagnosed with CPTSD. As I started unpacking these traumas in therapy I began to descend into various health issues. I believe they are inextricably intertwined as I had to examine myself and let down the various maladaptive coping methods that held my body together until one day it couldn't. My body had enough. As it is common for people with trauma. Only in the past year have I been unpacking the internal ableism I held, with each day, I've learned to accept myself. It has been a rough year. I lost my job and everyone from my job avoided me like the plague. I lost my beloved cat. She was my soulmate and it was heartwrenching losing her. I'm alone in this world. And I have accepted this. I try to live with gratitude and acceptance each day. I am happy when my legs allow me to stand. I look forward to simple pleasures in life.
And as I've learnt to accept myself I've realised how much it isn't enough when the people I thought would accept me as I am, don't. My best friend avoids me because my life is too depressing and she doesn't want to hear it and I have to accept it because it's her boundaries. I just want to scream. I really do. But I don't because I'm trying to be an understanding friend and I don't believe she'll hear me anyway. I'm aware that my life is depressing, who wants to be around that? I worry I alienate people because I probably am. If people don't have chronic conditions it's hard to relate. My therapist has been gaslighting me anytime I talk about my chronic illness because I haven't been able to access further specialist to confirm my condition and has decided it not a good time to see her because I'm unwell and doesn't validate my worries. I'm only able to see her 3 or 4 times this year. I will ask her for a referral to a therapist who can help me deal with my chronic conditon however it is funded via insurance and has specific criterias that may not be able to get approved. Trying to access medical help is an uphill battle. I am completely disabled and I rely on socially funded resources. But honestly, the social rejection I've experienced is far more difficult to cope with.
Thanks for letting me rant. Any resources (books, podcasts, etc) you've found to help with dealing with rejection will be great!

My ex and I had a beautiful relationship, though it became very complicated. A lot of it was timing related but also to do with some mental health issues I struggled with. We met just after she broke up with her longterm ex, and we immediately knew we wanted to be in each others' lives, but decided to stay friends before considering anything romantic. After a while everything just fell into place naturally, and the transition to romance was seamless and easy. It felt like a dream - we were compatible in all the right ways, communicated openly, were honesty with each other, and fell heavily in love. We both constantly remarked on how we'd never felt something like this before, that we'd loved other people before, but nothing of this nature - and how lucky we were to have met.
However she was still not ready to jump into a new relationship, especially since she'd been in a relationship for almost all of her 20s and needed to detach/decompress from that, but also because her ex knew some of our mutual friends and she didn't want him thinking she'd been cheating or left him for me. I understood this rationally, but emotionally and internally, I started feeling anxious. My previous ex cheated on me and lied to me, and I was having trouble trusting that things would work out. This anxiety grew and began to have an effect on us because I wasn't dealing with it in healthy ways. Our communication started breaking down a bit, but then she asked me to be her boyfriend, and I thought it would solve things. She later admitted that she didn't feel ready, but was terrified of losing me, and thought diving into a serious relationship would solve the issues too.
In reality it just made things more difficult, because clearly neither of us were in the right place for a relationship. My anxiety spiked because I sensed she was rushing it for my sake, and her anxiety spiked because she felt she was moving too fast. Combined with both of us entering new stressful careers and working 12-14 hour days, our communication got worse. We started having recurring little arguments (less arguments, more just annoying misunderstandings), though we were never malicious or abusive towards each other. We were always kind, caring, and tried our best to communicate despite clearly being out of sync and not hearing each other properly.
By the end, it was easier for us to see in hindsight why things went the way they did. We cleared the air and talked it out, both started doing therapy, but ultimately broke up. She cried uncontrollably and told me she loved me more than anybody on this planet, and that we were still as compatible as we'd always been, but that there was too much stress and pain associated with our relationship, and that she needed to cut ties. She also hadn't had much time to just be single and independent as a young adult which I understand. I needed to cut ties as well so that I could focus on dealing with my traumas/insecurities via therapy and self-work, as well as focus on my career and passions. She said she wants to reconnect someday but that she also prefers to be pragmatic and meet someone new eventually because 2nd chances carry too much potential for even worse heartbreak (she's a very logical, pragmatic person...).
I really miss her. I've been casually dating lots of other women, have gotten into better physical shape than ever, been writing a lot and have made tons of new friends, but I often think about my ex. All of the good things, and the good days, feel a bit less happy than they should. I feel sad knowing that she's gone, and wonder what would have happened had we met at a different time or if I'd done therapy before meeting her. I live with one of her best friends, and I hear she's really enjoying being single and travelling and having flings and thriving at work. I often wonder if she thinks about me at all, or if the idea of a love as passionate as the love we shared is something that just disappears after a while for the person who wanted to cut ties.
Is there any possibility that she ever thinks about me or misses me? How did/do you feel being in her position?

Context: we are both in our 20s and have been friends for 2 years
I feel so horrible about it. I really really like him, but I cannot imagine myself being intimate or sexual with him. It's like I want to be with him forever but can't do anything that people actually do in relationships physically. The thing is that I never have his problem when imagining myself with other women.
Whenever I imagine myself with a man, him included, I get terrified. I have no idea why this is. I have not been abused in any way that I can remember. I don't know if my non-attraction is due to this fear, or if I'm just a lesbian. I really want to find him attractive so I can be with him...
Should I try to be with him anyway and face my fear?? Or should I get therapy? Or should I just accept that I'm lesbian and get over it?

I've been single/celibate for almost year now. Removed myself from the dating scene completely to focus on my own inner healing and work through any trauma or issues I may have. I've been to therapy before for depression and severe social anxiety and althought I am much more self aware now, socializing and dating is still difficult for me.
I've never been in a long term committed relationship even though that's what I want the most. I started dating late at the age of 22 and I guess due to my social anxiety and lack of experience I was very naieve and got played alot or ended up in situations that weren't ideal such as a series of failed talking stages, situationships, and casual encounters. I realized from these experiences that casual sex is definitely not for me and i definitely dont want hook ups or one night stands. All I really want is a deep meaningful connection. To find someone where there is both a physical and emotional attraction, who I like and who also likes me back. Why is that so hard to find? I've tried multiple dating apps in the past and I keep encountering guys who just want sex. These apps tear away at my self esteem and make me feel objectified. Some of the things these men say disgusts me. I was shocked because they are essentially strangers who dont even know me yet they just make crude sexual advances or send unsolicited dick picks or ask me for pics, or straight up ask me to come to their homes and have sex with them as if i am a call girl. It doesnt matter what my bio is or what my photos are, i could be in a sexy bikini or covered head to toe in clothing, I will still encounter the same thing on these apps. And from what I've heard from friends experiences and what ive seen women post online i can see that this is a pretty common experience for women. Are theyre any serious dating apps without these types of perverted men? It just turned me off of these apps completely, and has traumatized me and made me scared to try them again. As well as not be able to trust men at all anymore cause im worried they all just want to "hit it and quit it". What hurts most is when I really like a guy but they don't like me back so I get ghosted or rejected but then they still want to sleep with me. Or they sleep with me then ghost me right after. I just dont get why men do this? If I don't like someone I sure as hell dont still want to have sex with them. Are women really just nothing more than a body to some men? Obviously there's got to be some good ones out there cause I have friends and family members in healthy loving relationships. So where do I find these guys?
After all this I got so burnt out and depressed and started to think I'm the problem and somethings wrong with me. And ive had such a negative experience with dating that I'm now afraid to put myself back out there. But if I don't try then I will never even have the chance at finding love. How can I develop a more positive attitude when I'm so traumatized at this point?

Some background about me is needed. I am an Indian male that was born in America in 2004 to 2 first generation immigrants. My early childhood was completely normal and definitely above average. My family has a high income and to be completely honest, I have been extremely spoiled my whole life.
My mother sometimes tells me I was a very happy kid. Hearing this now brings a smile to my face, but between 10th to 12th grade hearing that statement only brought sadness to me. Starting 9th I became very existential, and I would ponder day in and out about the purpose of life and the reason for everything.
Unsurprisingly, these thoughts over time changed my mindset and made me become very depressed. I felt hopeless and thought that everything was for nothing. I was too consumed by my thoughts to appreciate the value in everything. COVID amplified this by limiting my distractions and giving me more time to overthink in my own head alone. By 11th grade I was deep into these thoughts, and hearing my mother tell me I used to be a happy kid would upset me. I thought as though I failed as a person.
I truly believed that ignorance was bliss. I admired children for innocence and how they were not cynical due to exposure to this cruel world. Being reminded that I used to be one of those kids would make me bitter to the core. I was full of resentment towards everyone and everything that didn’t share my way of thinking.
This eventually led to self guilt. I felt as though that I shouldn’t be having these thoughts because I have an extremely blessed life. I was aware of the fact that I was taking my life for granted but I didn’t want to care about it because it would be contradictory and not embrace the “nothing matters” mindset. In the back of my mind this was slowly ruining me mentally and emotionally.
This led me to believe that I was a terrible person and that I did not deserve the life I had. This amplified a lot of my self esteem issues that I had in my life before the depression started and increased the downward spiral. These issues also manifested in anger, and I would have a lot of violent thoughts (don’t worry I wasn’t psycho). I had a lot of suicidal thoughts and used to cry myself to sleep every night praying to whatever forces were responsible for the universe that I would not wake up the next morning. Despite all my prayers, I always woke up the next day.
I kept waking up. The feeling felt worse and worse. The little bit of human emotion I had left in me didn't want to take my life. This was due to the damage I could cause to my loved ones. I didn’t care about myself at all, and honestly I didn’t care about how they felt that much either. I just felt that I owed them due to how much time and effort they put into me.
Over time, I got sick of feeling bad. It was not like a switch flipped into me, but I slowly realized I had to do something. I didn’t care about myself, but we all see the world through our eyes, and I realized that even if I feel like what I’m doing is useless, it’s all I have. There isn’t anything else you can do, so you might as well do it.
I slowly started taking care of myself. Skincare, losing weight, dressing better. Working on my confidence. At first I didn’t really understand why I was doing this. I know I looked better and was presented in a much better fashion than before, but I still felt as though it was pointless. I was simply doing it out of boredom.
It wasn’t a constant upward slope from that point. I would have my moments of plummet and would sometimes be extremely depressed. All my friends and family knew this but didn’t really talk to me about it too much. I was still much better than before though.
Entering college I was a brand new person, but I still had my baggage and people could tell. It wasn’t until I watched season 2 of Alice in Borderland that it clicked for me. It was never about how I felt, it was always about what I wanted. Despite being extremely depressed I did want to be happy, I just didn’t know how. In that show I constantly saw people beg for their lives, and all I could think to myself was how grateful they must be for their lives. Some characters didn’t always have great lives to go back to, and they have suffered a lot of loss. Despite that they still wanted to live. It amazed me how much they wanted to live and the lengths they were willing to go to survive.
It hit me. They didn’t want to live so they could be happy. They wanted to live so they could keep living. I realized that in order to appreciate life, you have to accept every single aspect of it.
I’m not talking about simple things, I’m talking about EVERYTHING. Unexpected events, growing as a person, pain/loss, the laws of physics, the ability to dwell on the past or have a hopeful future, the way the society is structured, the fact that you have to flip your pillow if it gets too hot. Every single little thing. I always viewed it all as a drag and that’s why I couldn’t see what was right in front me. It suddenly felt so clear.
Remove a single aspect from that and life as a whole is completely different. There isn’t anything specific needed to be done in life. Everyone's beginning and final destination is different, morals are subjective in nature, and no one truly knows why we actually exist. All we have is our life and nothing else. All you have to do is live it through. Our circumstances and past experiences shape who we are today. Life is nothing more than a process and you shouldn’t view it as anything else.
After watching Alice in Borderland, I started going to the gym, taking therapy, and working even harder on myself. The way I’m treated and how I treat other people is significantly different compared to before. I learned how to embrace every single aspect of life. No complaints. No if, ands, or buts. That’s it. Life is life. I truly believe that by coming to terms with every single thing, and understanding that it doesn’t have to go my way, it just has to go, that I was able to change my soul. I’m full of so much emotion now and I choose to be nice even if there is absolutely no reason to. If nothing matters and I just have to be, I might as well be feeling good about myself and make others feel good rather than doing the opposite. I realized I didn’t need to seek happiness, I just had to come to terms with everything so I wouldn’t be sad about it.
Life is a process. We grow and we change and our ability to do that is our greatest gift. We can choose to grow or dwell on the past. We can choose to be scared or look forward to the future. I made a full 180 degree turn in my life and I truly believe that if I could change, anybody could. Maybe this was a useless story and I’ll get criticism, even so, I chose to write it and whatever response I get from this is just part of the process. Human desire is the strongest emotion of all. As long as you want good for you and don’t let it fade away, nature will take its course and you will get better eventually. Every single one of you is just as important as each other, nobody is more and nobody is less. We all take up the same space in the universe and we’re all going through the process, whether it’s shorter or longer, happier or sadder, worse to bettebetter to worse, or any other discrepancy. The idea of someone being more valuable is created by society. I truly hope this reaches out to someone who is able to utilize it to help themselves. If you made it to the end I appreciate you taking time out of your progression to read this. Thank you all. <3

Dont know if any one could relate I had lost everything my physical health,mental health financial wealth.did 6months rehab became clean stayed sober for 9months and then one day I lost hold on situation and After relapsing hard for 3 months , here I am all exhausted tried and depressed. I am at if not worse state then my previous ones.l I am about to make one effort again. I took a 10days leave from office and about to go home with family. Don't know if it will work out or be worse . I am now on a bus on my home.i had a blunt 2 hzbours agos.threw rest of my stuff.Atleast i am planning to be sober while I stay home.

So, I'm going to be real with you. I don't consider myself to be a catch. I'm overweight and I drink too much. I'm not going to lower myself into mentioning size. My weight had gotten worse during Covid and sadly I have not been able to rebound.
I will also admit that she does the vast majority around our house, in addition to her job. I try to help where I can, which includes most cooking, but she just naturally takes care of the rest.
My wife and I have been together for 20 years, married for 16. The issues mentioned above have existed for most of our relationship.
Lately our sex life is stagnant, at best. Usually a few months between intimacy (which means almost no physical contact including kissing or anything).
Our latest dry spell has extended to several months. I haven't done much to lighten her load, but recently I've tried to do more to help, as well as cut back on drinking, which is a small issue for her. On Memorial Day I floated the idea of us being intimate, which was met with the reply of, "why?"
I shook that off, but really stepped up my game this past weekend. Fishes, laundry, you name it. I know this is stuff I should already be doing, but I was trying to go above and beyond. Almost no liquor (other than those seltzer drinks you can't really get drunk on).
I tried to gently discuss intimacy again, but she said she wanted to watch the NBA finals at which point she was too tired for anything.
I'm feeling worthless and undesirable at this point. Do I just rip off the band aid and ask her if I'm too fat to sleep with?
I feel like there's no version of this conversation where I'm the good guy. She owes me nothing. Marriage doesn't mean that she has to have sex with me. And I know that she devotes so much energy to our home and kids.
But I feel very undesirable and almost unloved at this point.
Please help.
TLDN: No intimacy for several months. Am I unworthy because I'm fat, or because I don't do enough around the house?

I need an outside perspective. As a teen I got into drug culture and due to an alcoholic parent and my own personal crimes, I spent some time in the CA juvenile system culminating in a fire camp which helped clean me up. I got a lot of therapy for the traumas I dealt with as a minor that led me to those places and I excelled as a member of society after I served my time. The things I learned in therapy helped me immensely and I still use them to this day.
The problem is now I'm 37 and I'm struggling pretty bad. My brain always wants to move full speed ahead, which is great when I'm focused on positive tasks, but every day now after spending a huge amount of energy on work, cleaning, cooking, and all the other shit I need to do as an adult. I just want to drink and and then turn my brain off until I need to do the same thing again tomorrow.
So then I do, I get trashed until I don't need to worry anymore and can sleep, then it's back on the saddle when I wake up and I don't know how to break the cycle. When I try and stop the self destructive behaviors, worry and guilt and anxiety bubble up until it's unbearable.
Now it's causing problems in my relationship and interpersonal relationships and even though I learned things in therapy to manage these feelings, I don't know how to let go of the constant fucking worry and anxiety that if I stop trying as hard as I can, that everything will fall apart for me and the people I'm trying to take care of. It's constant and I know I probably need a new therapist, but because of economic conditions I can't afford one right now and I'm just fucking hoping somebody knows how I feel.
When the ball of stress and worry is so heavy you feel it physically, how do you unwind it?

I've got some health issues I'm working on.

1. Cholesterol THROUGH THE ROOF.
   
2. Back pain, that I'm in Physical Therapy for
   
3. I'm also practicing Muay Thai, partially for my mental health, partially because its fun as fuck
   

That said, my physical therapist is trying to get me to eat high protein for all the shit we're putting my body through. And seriously, I need it. I'm 6' 1" and 213lbs, so everything online is telling me around 200g of protein per day. That seems like a LOT. And as it stands, I'm just not recovering from the workouts.
How can I reach this macro, while staying under $100 a week? I have no idea how to make that work with my budget, while trying to cut out/keep cholesterol and saturated fat to a minimum.
Any help is appreciated.

I lurk here because I am literally the only person in my family that doesn't have adhd (I have traits, but avoided the full diagnosis upon being tested). Father, all of my siblings and husband all have it, my MIL and SIL haven't been tested, but I would bet my next paycheque they have it. I still laugh at the irony it.
So I'm 99% certain my 5 year old daughter has it too, and I need help when talking to her.
Husband's ADHD is so bad when he is unmedicated that he will lose track of conversation mid-sentence if I am not actively touching him or have a sharp tone of voice or it's something he considers actively interesting/pressing. I could usually get one sentence in, but more than that and I'd see his eyes unfocus and start to wander unless I give him a tap or make him look at me. I'll usually add a slight edge to my tone to get his attention and he does not take it personally - he knows he needs this.
Medicated (vyvanse), he can follow conversation or instructions without issue. It drove me absolutely bonkers prior to him being medicated because we'd fall into a cycle of me telling him something, him not even processing it, me repeating myself 2-3x before I ended up yelling and then he would be able to register it.
Five year old appears to have the same problem. When she was younger, it was less of an issue, because EVERYTHING is shiny and interesting, but now it's starting to manifest the same way my husband's does and I'm at a loss.
We're still on the long waitlists for pediatric evaluations (docs did not want to put her on it at 4 years old until I highlighted the family history and described her highly focused behaviour), and so medication prescription will not be available for at least another year, and the free therapy that comes with a dx won't be available until then either.
But we're getting the point where she'll ask me questions (about anything really... bugs she sees, social behaviour she wants to understand, etc) and she cannot process my responses most of the time unless I stop what I'm doing, bend down to her level, and say it very clearly face to face. Or if I give any sort of instructions without saying her name, making sure she's looking at me and then making her repeat after me, she just cannot process it. She'll stare at me blankly with a confused expression or repeat "what" several times.
Otherwise she's incredibly smart and learns very quickly (haha, she has no problems processing youtube o.o), it's not an intellectual disability. I am not in a position to physically touch her all the time (trying to bend down and talk to a kid like this on public transit is not safe really), I can't snap at her without her getting anxious and upset. I know I am speaking clearly and understandably because I'll have other individuals (often further away than she is) be able to confirm they heard me clearly. (hell, my job is highly communication based, I know I'm being clear, which is probably why I'm feeling extra emotional about it).
It's the inattentive adhd doing its' thing. At the moment, I can repeat myself in a normal tone 4-6x and she will still not understand me/process whatever I'm saying, but if I use a sharp, angry tone, she understands me right away. I hate it. I don't want to be constantly yelling at my kid to get anything done. I know it's the stress response making her brain spin into a gear because there's suddenly a "threat" (mom being upset) and I hate having to use that, but I do not have the ability to get down on her level, stare into her eyes and answer every random question she fires at me like that every single time, nor if I need her to do something (like move over so she's not blocking the sidewalk or about to do something dangerous). I also don't want to shut down her asking questions.
If we're at home and I have nothing else on the go, then sure I can give her that kind of focused attention, but on the go, with another kid to wrangle as we're walking from place to place, or while I'm in the middle of chores.... it just doesn't work. I praise her a lot when she does things right and she will recite the correct way to do things often ("we're getting on the bus, we're going to tap our card, I'm going to sit on a seat, you're going to put the brakes on the stroller and we're going to go FIVE stops to [destination], then I will get off the bus and wait on the sidewalk while you get off the bus with baby"), which I think is her reinforcing the routines to herself.
Did ANYTHING work to improve your processing abilities as a child? Any tips? Or general advice?
My husband's parents were in complete denial that he had ADHD so he doesn't know what could be done (he got yelled at all the time) and my dad/siblings were all more hyper than inattentive.

I don't know even how to start... so, let's keep it simple: I'm completing 60 days of sobriety today, after my last relapse. It was a miserable one. A miserable week, 2 months ago, when I thought for the first time in my life that I was going to need to go to rehab institution. The disease is progressive, everybody says and we pretend it's never gonna be with us. Well, it was to me. That last relapse has shown me that my next fails won't be small ones or simple. They will be ugly, hard to fight and almost impossible to recover from.
I'm thankful for being here today, sober, again. I thankful I was able to take that decision to stop after a week of relapse. I'm thankful I had the support I needed from beloved people, medication and therapy. I'm privileged and I remember myself to be thankful for that every single day, so I don't fail again into the same trap.
Alcoholism is a monster disease. It's beyond our human forces. We need can't make it alone. We need all the help we can pull together to beat it. It takes a village.
I hope I can stay more 60 days, more 60 months, more years and years into this stage of sobriety, day after day. And I wish all of you can reach the same! IWNDWYT SPH

I feel so defeated sometimes. It’s so hard for me to process and express my emotions. I get so frustrated trying to explain how I feel to people in my life and I feel like they aren’t grasping anything I’m saying. When I don’t feel heard or understood, I feel like I’m going insane and I shut down. Then the next day, I feel so guilty and tell myself I’m overreacting and that I’m crazy and question how anyone could ever love me. It’s gotten to the point where I get so angry I just want to hit myself or slam my head into a wall (which is embarrassing for me to admit.) I feel toxic most of the time. After everything I’ve been through, I just want to feel loved, validated, and understood. I’m trying so hard to not be toxic and to persevere through this, but it’s so painful. I feel intense guilt and shame for my emotional outbursts and panic attacks, and then the next minute I feel like everyone around me has wronged me and is against me. It’s like this never ending cycle and I know the people close to me don’t deserve it. The worst part is, I’m so self aware and I know when I’m splitting, I know when I shouldn’t say something because it’s hurtful/incorrect, but I physically cannot stop myself from doing it. I need help regulating my emotions, but I feel like BPD has such a negative stigma and no one wants to understand or listen. I’ve tried therapy and medication and nothing seems to help. I feel alone in this. Has anyone experienced this and how did you cope with or overcome these feelings?

Recently I’ve been struggling on and off with bad depressive episodes from not being able to play guitar for almost a year now from a nerve injury that happened in my left hand 3 years ago and has been causing problems on and off. Music is such a huge part of my life and my identity, and this kills me so badly that u can’t do it right now. The past year (as far as the condition goes) has been the most problematic. It pains me so badly to see all of my friends be able to play their instruments anytime they want and I’m left to suffer in these chains and not be able to do anything about it but be at the will of doctors and having to wait a month after month after month for the next appointment. There isn’t a day that goes by when I don’t think about this to some degree. Some days are better and I’m more active and optimistic that I’ll get to the bottom of this, but today I guess woke up in the wrong side of the bed and just felt awful and hopeless about this issue. It doesn’t help that I’ve had sleep/exhaustion problems for a while either, but that’s a whole different story.
I’m so bored at home. Now that the semester is done (I’m in college), whenever I’m not hanging out/partying with my amazing friends or going on vacation, I get home and I get sad and bored. I’m basically never at home until midnight for many days. All I can do at home is play video games and read books, but those get boring for me and are not as exhilarating as playing music.
If I didn’t have this god forsaken nerve condition, I would be the happiest son of a bitch in the whole world. Everything else in my life is absolutely great. Except for my physical health, which has deteriorated greatly. Not only have I not been able to play guitar for a year now, I can’t use my left hand or arm for anything anymore, I’m basically handicapped at this point. I can’t type on a computer with my left hand and can’t lift heavy things without nerve pain and stinging symptoms going all through my neck, my head, and down my spine. It has spread steadily over the years from my hand to my spine and has weakened my body. Can barely play sports right now. I’m worried this is it. I’m worried that I’m never going to play guitar ever again, can never run or workout again without stinging nerve pain, and that I’m going to be crippled and weak for the rest of my life and that there is nothing I can do about it. I got an MRI of my spine, came back fine. Negative nerve test in my hand for carpal tunnel, did a bit of physical therapy for different parts of my body, all to no avail. My doctors and I haven’t even figured out what the CONDITION EVEN IS!! And what nerves are affected. I’m going to see a new neurologist about all of this soon and probably do new testing to finally just FIGURE OUT WHAT THE ISSUE IS! But need to find a better way to cope because I’m not sure what to do right now.

How Chiropractic Can Help with Car Injuries
Physically and psychologically distressing events can occur in car accidents. Minor mishaps can harm the body severely, resulting in pain, discomfort, and restricted movement. Whiplash, a condition brought on by the rapid jerking action of the head and neck that frequently happens during a collision, is one of the most frequent types of injuries arising from auto accidents. Even while receiving medical care is essential following a car accident, many people ignore the possible advantages of chiropractic treatment for auto injuries. This blog post will examine how chiropractic care can benefit whiplash injuries sustained in automobiles.
When the head is suddenly jerked backward and forth, causing the neck muscles and ligaments to flex and strain, it can result in a neck injury called whiplash. Whiplash symptoms might include neck discomfort, stiffness, headaches, vertigo, and tingling in the hands or arms. If left untreated, whiplash in extreme circumstances can result in persistent pain and mobility problems.
A non-invasive, drug-free method of treating auto accidents, notably whiplash, is chiropractic therapy. The spine's potential for misalignment as a result of an automobile accident is known as a subluxation, and chiropractors are trained to recognize and treat these conditions. Chiropractic therapy can assist in reducing pain, enhancing mobility, and fostering natural healing by realigning the spine. Spinal manipulation or adjustment is one of the main chiropractic whiplash treatment methods. on correct alignment and function, this treatment applies light, focused pressure on the spine. Spinal manipulation can assist enhance range of motion in the neck and spine and reduce discomfort and inflammation.
Chiropractic therapy can help avoid long-term consequences from auto injuries in addition to effectively treating whiplash. Whiplash can result in chronic neck pain, headaches, and other movement problems if it is not treated. After a vehicle accident, you can promote natural healing and address the underlying problems that may cause long-term consequences by getting chiropractic care.
Finally, chiropractic treatment can be a successful, non-invasive method of treating auto accidents, especially whiplash. Chiropractic therapy can assist in reducing pain, enhancing mobility, and avoiding long-term consequences by restoring the spine's right alignment and encouraging natural healing. Consider chiropractic care as part of your overall treatment strategy if you have been in a vehicle accident if you want to recover fully and quickly.
Visit https://allinjuryaffordable/ (https://allinjuryaffordable.s3.amazonaws.com/website+-+37705/index.html) for more information.

I broke up with bf due to his infidelity with several guys but he had a main guy let’s call “ben” who he had emotional/physical relationship while with me. Fast forward a couple of weeks later, he tells me he wants to get back together. He is remorseful, taking therapy and among other things to change. I find out after we broke up he got in touch again with Ben and they have been hanging out. He claims since he’s lonely in the city and he’s just looking for friendship while he finishes his temp work before he moves back to his original town. He claims they are just friends, exploring the city and no sex.I don’t trust him but what would you guys do? Tell me any answer other than not taking him back.

I'm a PRN DPT in home health (HH). I love the flexibility, autonomy, and not having to be in a building all day. But I must be honest, although I still have a deep passion for helping the elderly, I am over traditional physical therapy. #1 I felt like I was lied to through school. I don't feel like I got the real taste of reality when in clinicals. It one of those things where you know something isn't for you, but shoot I was already 2-2 1/2 years in. I'm tired of getting emails about limited visits regarding insufficient insurance coverage, even when the patient really needs it; having to fight for visits with other disciplines; not truly feeling valued; imposter syndrome occasionally due to admins questioning my decisions on how many visits I plot. Like HONEY I went to school for a purpose! I wouldn't waste visits on those that don't need it as well as jeopardize my license with waste of services! So insulting. To add additional insult to injury, it doesn't help seeing the coordination notes on how much they make off PT with the insurance companies (although I understand they may not receive that full amount, but still).
So, I want to start my own business with Medicare part B and cash based services. I admittedly have been self sabotaging myself by getting comfortable off the money I make with HH and life in general. I do not care for any other setting than HH. Tried them all, HH is better fit despite paperwork. I've been saving, needing to establish LLC, liability on business, logo, all that.. I believe I have reached my last rope with traditional therapy. I want to bring an ADAPTIVE way for the elderly to remain functionally mobile. I've been having this urge to leave for a few months, and based on how my stress has been with HH, it's time for a change.
Does anyone know different occupations that I can look into part time? Even if I needed to take some courses and get certificate for? SOMETHING QUICK! Like 6-12 months or less if courses are needed. I would hope for the salary to continue to be above $70,000 if I could help it (although I make more) but I do understand I may have to bend with salary.
TIA!

I park my car in the incredibly nice upper-middle class Huntington Beach neighborhood, just down the street from the ‘New Reality’ (editor's note: fake name) sober living I got kicked out of. I take a second to pull myself together while in the darkness. I’m starting to feel very weak, very frazzled. I’ve been awake for at least 60 hours straight now, and I’m well aware of that. It is 1AM. I can’t decide if I should get a hotel or not.
I am so weak. I need to eat. I need water. I need to sleep. My mouth tastes TERRIBLE – like I am decaying from the inside out. I need to shower. I am aware that I have many physical needs that go beyond my need for more drugs.
See how you feel after the next shot, Lonnie.
I text Kace:
Here
I pat my pockets, making sure I have two separate bags: a bag in my left pocket, which has my furanylfentanyl and clean syringes in it, and a bag in my right pocket, which has both their meth and their dilaudid pills in it. I do not want to sell them furanylfentanyl because I don’t want them to die in the sober living house that has already seen 2 overdoses because of it.
I get out of my car and lock it. I walk through the sprawling, meticulous Huntington Beach neighborhood full of spacious and decorous houses, heading towards the sober living, though I stay on the other side of the street. I walk past several houses, with perfect green lawns and perfect landscapes, walking past the sober living. I walk a few houses past it, and then cross the street. When I arrive on the other side of the street, I glance all around me, checking for surveillance.
I double back, heading towards the sober living. I cut into the side yard, heading for the side door that leads into the garage. It is already cracked open, just as we planned. I open the door just enough so that I am able to slide through. I see two phone lights on in the far corner of the big 3-car garage.
“Yo,” I whisper-yell in the direction of the phone lights. One of the lights starts moving in a circular motion, beckoning me closer. I walk up, moving as quietly as I can. It would be terrible if the house manager, Jack, came in here right now.
I pull out their bag of dilaudid and meth. I see a hand with money in it being held out in my direction. I take the money and replace it with their bag of drugs.
“Nice, thanks,” Kace whispers, as I count the money. It's right on. The phone lights move closer to the ground, so I move with them. I see 3 fresh bottles of water on the ground, just like I asked for. I pull out the bag of needles and hand each of them 2 clean needles, putting one on the ground for myself.
“You got the Q-tips,” I whisper, looking towards Kace. His hand is already outstretched, a Q tip in it. I open the water bottle and put the bottle cap on the floor, beginning to prepare my shot of furanylfentanyl as quietly as I can, while they break up their dilaudids. The phones are propped up on the floor, giving me an eerie feeling. I have seen this before.
Déjà vu hits, and something inside me works to flash me back to my horrible half-ounce psilocybin trip. I suppress the embodied, hellish memories and the feelings of absolute terror, doom, and panic by preparing the shot as fast as I can.
“Where are you going after this?” Kace whispers to me, while we all work. I don’t even know the third boy, I only know that his name is Shane, he is white, he came here from the east coast, he’s in his 20s, and that he came to the wrong place if he wants to survive and recover from his addiction.
“I might go get a hotel, depends on how I feel,” I whisper back.
“Well, take a piece of this, mix it in there, that’ll help,” Kace whispers, his hand outstretched with a shard of meth in it. Meth is Kace’s panacea. I hesitate for a second, only because I know that this meth came from Sloan, which means it came from Lucky, which means it is very clean and very, very strong.
A small amount added to my shot of furry would ensure that I could stay awake for a little while longer. Now that I am coming down from the 2-day cocaine binge and haven’t yet slept, I run the risk of passing out at any moment.
“Maybe I should, just to be on the safe side,” I whisper, before involuntarily watching my hand take the small shard of meth and add it to the bottle cap. I take pleasure in the fact that this is fresh water from a clean water bottle, a fresh cotton, a clean bottle cap, and drugs that I sourced myself and am familiar with.
Listen to you, Lonnie. This is your third day in a row, and now that you don’t have cocaine, you’re doing meth? You were chugging cough syrup, you went on a cocaine binge, now you’re doing some goddamn meth? The dirtiest, most disgusting drug on the planet? And you’re selling it to these poor kids, at their sober living? Shame on you.
I shake my head slightly, hoping to shut it up.
I push the limits in my preparation of the dose: adding meth to this shot enables me to add more furanylfentanyl than I normally would, since the meth will keep me awake and therefore alive. I look up from the phone light when I am done, and I am surprised to see somebody else is done prepping and has completed their injection before me.
“Whoa, god damn,” Shane whispers. I chuckle.
“He’s never done a dilaudid before,” Kace whispers. I can hear the smile on Kace’s face, even in the darkness. I don’t smile, for something terrible has happened on this night. Shane’s soul has been infected by another parasite, and I will burn in the deepest level of Hell for being the one that brought it to him.
“Can you light me up?” I ask. One of the phone lights turns towards me. I find a vein quickly and easily, though I am having to rotate injection sites constantly. I cap the needle when it’s done and lean back, putting my hands on the concrete floor of the garage behind me. I count mentally, and barely make it past 3.
Every cell that I consist of alights with the jolting electric euphoria of meth. My chest tightens with power and ecstasy. I feel electric light waves of raw energy emanating from my heart as my heart rate dramatically increases with feelings of excited arousal.
All weakness and negativity have disappeared from my body. I could fight a tiger right now. I should go play basketball right now. I’d be unstoppable. I’d win every game. Nobody else would even have a chance.
“Fuck, I hate meth,” I whisper, overly alert, my heart racing in my ears. Now it feels like the house manager will open the door any second. Police are certainly watching us. My heart races in nonstop anticipation; I can feel my heartbeat in my trembling hands. Only the massive shot of furry I did can prevent the paranoia from causing me to panic. I take solace in the sensations of peace and relaxation that underlie the meth high. My lady, the Opioid - even though She is the cold, robotic Miss Furryfent, She is with me. I have nothing to fear.
“Nobody hates meth,” Kace whispers.
“It’s too good. It makes me feel too powerful. It makes me feel crazy,” I say.
“Yeah, it’s awesome,” Shane whispers, as we watch Kace inject himself. There are a few seconds of silence, all of us waiting for Kace to get his rush.
“Shit, that dilaudid gives you a good rush. I forgot how good it is,” Kace whispers.
“I know,” I whisper back, before standing up. I walk to the exit, loath to be physically alone again, even though I feel lonely all the time. I wish I didn’t have to leave, but I know that this is another place that I am not welcome. The world is shrinking around me by the day. I am wearing out my welcome at the few places I am still allowed to go.
I need to go back to another treatment center, but life feels hopeless. More talk therapy, more 12-step meetings, more jail-rehabs, more vacation-rehabs – none of it has worked for me, and more of the same thing won’t help me. I am so hooked on these drugs; the drugs are a torrent, and every method of treatment is like a two-by-four piece of wood laying in the way. These drugs have my soul. Death is closing in on me.
“Thanks for coming out here. Be safe, brother,” Kace whispers, before closing the door behind me. I hear it lock, which hurts my feelings, even though I don’t blame him for locking me out. I’d lock me out, too.
I step out into a warm summer California night – back into a world that I don’t belong in; back into a world that doesn't want me.
Where are you going to go, Lonnie?
Not here. Anywhere but here. I start walking, and then start jogging across the street. Surprisingly, I feel no pain in my ankles at all. Jogging feels good. I make it across the street, and then keep jogging.
I jog up to my car. I open the door and get in it. I sit for a second. I check in on my body.
I feel amazing. I could run 3 miles right now. I feel great. I should keep moving.
I check in with my stomach. Although I couldn’t be less hungry, I know I need to consume some nutrients, even if they’re just liquid. I've been injecting cocaine continuously; I haven’t eaten a solid meal or slept in days.
I know what to do. I put my drugs and paraphernalia in the center console of my car. I get out of the car with only my phone, wallet, and keys in my pockets. I lock the car, checking it twice so it registers in my meth-addled brain, which is often riddled with unreasonable paranoia, that it is locked, and nobody can steal my drugs.
I start to walk away from my car, then stop mid-step. What if Kace or one of those guys comes looking for my car, knowing that it is full of drugs?
I am frozen with indecision. I notice I am licking my lips with overstimulation and force myself to stop my tongue. My heart is racing. I’m shaking with excitation. My brain is screaming at my body to do something, but I don't know what to do. They will certainly come looking for my car, hungry for more drugs.
You're being ridiculous, Lonnie. Nobody is going to steal your drugs.
I tell my feet to move. They won't move. I feel the urge to scream. I have to get away from here, I have to do something.
I start to jog again. I can get a quick workout in and get my brain to shut up at the same time. I start to jog, doing the old breathing trick I did when I was a kid trying to run the fastest 1-mile time in gym class.
I focus on my breath, to which I apply a specific breathing pattern. In, in, out. I jog, and I breathe. I jog, and then I jog faster, and my breathing sharpens – and then I jog even faster. I jog out of the neighborhood and onto the main road that connects these huge, gorgeous housing developments in Huntington Beach. I jog in the direction of a gas station that I know is just down the street from me.
I jog, and my mind turns to college basketball. I visualize myself playing in my mind, shooting 3-pointers and knowing that they’re in the hoop as soon as they leave my hand. I shoot a few more 3-pointers in my mind before losing myself completely.
The big, bright, lights, the smell of the hardwood, the sound of the ball bouncing on the floor and echoing off of every wall. The sound of solitude, and hard work, and everything that is good in life. The sound of the ball hitting nothing but net. Watching the net flip up after a perfect swish. I take myself back to some of my favorite moments playing basketball: back to Frederick, Maryland, where I scored 16 points on an overseas professional in a competitive men’s league game.
Back to West Palm Beach, Florida, where I got invited to try out for the semi-pro ABA team, the Miami Storm.
Back to Atlanta, GA, where I got made fun for doing ball handling drills with a tennis ball and then picked last, only to lead my team to victory several times in a row, scoring almost all of our points, winning in silence.
Showing up day in and day out, scoring and shooting and winning. Even when I was losing, I was getting better, so I was winning.
I press onward, jogging harder. I am going to play college basketball. Nothing is going to stop me. I notice that my shirt, which is drenched in sweat, is sticking to my skin. I peel my shirt off, barely slowing my pace. I glance up and to my right. There is a brown apartment complex. I throw my shirt in one of the bushes, making a mental note to get it out of the bush on my way back, certain that I’ll remember exactly how it landed in the bushes and precisely where it is.
I start to jog again, pretending that I have a basketball. I cross the invisible ball back and forth on the sidewalk, going out of my way to cross bushes up, crossing the imaginary ball hard and then going straight into a spin move. I lose myself in the movements. Thoughts cease, and there is nothing but my instinct telling me which dribble move to pantomime next against invisible defenders.
I stop. Why am I even going to the gas station? I should just get my car, go to 24-hour fitness, and play basketball for real. I turn around and start the journey back the way I came. I continue to run and do fake basketball moves on the shadow people. Finally, I find myself back in the residential neighborhood of Huntington Beach that my car is in.
I look around again. Is this the right neighborhood? Where am I? I walk around, looking for a landmark or something that I recognize.
There was something I was supposed to remember.
That’s right, I have to get to work. I need to find my car.
A white truck pulls up in the street next to me and stops.
That’s right, there’s a white truck coming to pick me up and take me to work! I walk up to the white truck, which has stopped in the middle of the road. Though the windows are tinted, I know that Todd is in this truck, and that he is here to pick me up to take me to Cinepolis for work. I pull on the passenger side door handle of the truck, so I can get in and go to work. The handle slips out of my hand when the door doesn’t pop open. The truck starts to drive away.
Why would Todd do that to me?! I look up at the sky. The sun is coming up? Shit, I’m going to be late for work now! I jog away from the truck. I need to go back to Todd’s house. I jog up to Todd’s house, which is the brown house right down the street. I walk up to the door and twist the doorknob. It doesn’t open.
Of course, it didn’t open, dumbass. Todd went to work.
I jog away. How am I going to get to work? I jog some more and start to feel sick.
Where am I?
“HEY! You left your stuff, like, way back there!” a random lady yells at me. I look at her, and then around at my surroundings. I don’t know where I am.
“What?” I yell back at her.
“You took your shorts off and left your stuff, like, way back there. I’ve been watching you. I think you should go home!” she yells, from across the street. I reach for my pockets.
I look down at my lower half. I have no shorts on. I am wearing nothing but black Nike compression underpants and basketball shoes. Realization strikes me like a thunderbolt: I have been running around in a state of meth-induced delusion for the entire night, playing with an invisible basketball.
I jog across the street, over to the lady.
“I’m sorry. I had a little too much to drink last night. Do you mind showing me where I left my stuff?” I ask, evaluating the woman. She is in her 40’s or 50’s, with long dark hair and a kind face. She has a small dog with her. He looks like a mutt.
“I figured. I was walking my dog, and saw you take your shorts off. I wanted to stop you when you tried to get in the truck, but I thought maybe you knew them. Then you tried to get in that house. You seemed very confused and out of it. Your pants are back this way,” she says, walking her dog down the sidewalk, back the way I came.
“Thanks,” I say, too embarrassed and ashamed to say much else. The sun is up. I try to walk naturally, like I am wearing pants instead of not wearing pants, which is a difficult thing to do. She leads me several minutes down the sidewalk, to somebody’s front yard. I see my shorts sitting in the grass in somebody’s yard, right by the sidewalk. I grab my shorts and put them on. My wallet and my phone are still in the pockets.
My keys. Shit, where are my keys?
“Do you know where my keys are?” I ask the woman, too embarrassed to look her in the eyes.
“No. I saw you take off your shorts here. I’ve been watching you, and I’m sure I’m not the only one. I wouldn’t be surprised if police are on their way,” she says, her eyebrows raised at me knowingly.
“Ok. Well, thanks for your help. I’m going to go. My house is in the neighborhood over there,” I lie, pointing further away from her and walking away. The word “police” forces me into action. I powerwalk until she is out of sight, and then I start to jog again.
Jog faster, Lonnie. Train harder.
No. I have to slow down. I’m becoming psychotic from overexertion, lack of nutrition, sleep deprivation, and methamphetamine. I have no drugs on me. I can slow down.
I force myself to start walking. I become aware, again, of my racing heart. It has been beating like this for days on end. It could easily explode and kill me at any second. Wait, when was the last time I did any opioids? The furanylfentanyl has been making me dopesick within 6 hours. I search my body for opioid effects. There are none.
I’m in the no man’s land between the opioid high and the withdrawal where I actually feel normal. The more I binge, the shorter the breaks become, and I’ve been binging, hard. If I feel normal now, that means I’ll be dopesick any second. I whine out loud. I want to scream up at the sky. My stomach starts to hurt terribly – it feels like it is bleeding.
I am dying.
I open my phone’s GPS and set it to my old sober living.
Shit, I don’t have a car key. I can’t get into my car! I call a locksmith, and then I start to run back towards the ironically named ‘sober living.’
I attempt to cling to reality.
My name is Lonnie. I am in Huntington Beach. I am going to Jack’s sober living, so I can do some fentanyl, so I don’t get dopesick. I did some meth, and I haven’t slept or ate in days, so I might hallucinate. Hallucinations aren’t real.
My name is Lonnie. I am in Huntington beach. I went to Florida for rehab for sniffing oxy, and I started to shoot dope. I came to California to stop shooting dope and picked up a meth habit.
STOP!
My name is Lonnie. The world would be better off if I were dead.
I start to walk. I can’t take this. I need some music. No, playing music would be suspicious. I start to jog again, trying not to think about my racing heart. I should focus on my breathing.
No, I can’t do that. That’s what made me go psychotic.
My name is Lonnie. I am going back to Jack’s sober living…

I'm 15 years old. I do track & field I throw discus and shotput ive have had pain for months. I only have pain after throwing(pain usually lasting 1-2 days) and i cant walk or move after because of the pain. I went to see a doctor and they said to do physical therapy but it hasn't helped. So I wasn't wondering what my other options are.