I’m looking at a 5 ton log splitter to convert into a forge press.
I’m mostly wanting to use it to press forge welds and to eliminate some hand hammering just to get pieces into a general shape before hand finishing. I just want to make sure 5 tons is enough.
I know there are more powerful splitters, but the 5 ton is more in my budget.

Round 27 Voting Link: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSf827Zrn1U2ZjMltmPbj6mlGdyfCHRVyvCLM-ilnQBcEaWyWg/viewform?usp=sf_link
Email Sign In now required due to Ballot Stuffers. I am not collecting your email address, just your vote.
Round 26 Results
(20.) Wherever I May Roam (21.) All Nightmare Long (22.) The Day That Never Comes
Previous Rounds Results
(23.) The Call of Ktulu (24.) Seek and Destroy (25.) Frayed Ends of Sanity (26.) Leper Messiah (27.) Fight Fire with Fire (28.) King Nothing (29.) The Shortest Straw (30.) Until It Sleeps (31.) Fuel (32.) Moth Into Flame (33.) Bleeding Me (34.) Nothing Else Matters (35.) Enter Sandman (36.) The Outlaw Torn (37.) Whiplash (38.) Inamorata (39.) Eye of the Beholder (40.) No Leaf Clover (41.) To Live is to Die (42.) The God That Failed (43.) That Was Just Your Life (44.) 72 Seasons (45.) Halo On Fire (46.) Room of Mirrors (47.) The Thing That Should Not Be (48.) My Friend of Misery (49.) Trapped Under Ice (50.) Atlas, Rise! (51.) Hit the Lights (52.) Hardwired (53.) Shadows Follow (54.) The Memory Remains (55.) Unforgiven III (56.) Lux Aeterna (57.) Holier Than Thou (58.) Too Far Gone? (59.) Unforgiven II (60.) Judas Kiss (61.) Motorbreath (62.) No Remorse (63.) Chasing Light (64.) Dream No More (65.) Through The Never (66.) You Must Burn! (67.) Screaming Suicide (68.) The End of the Line (69.) Suicide and Redemption (70.) Phantom Lord (71.) My Apocalypse (72.) St. Anger (73.) Fixxxer (74.) Now That We’re Dead (75.) Frantic (76.) The Unnamed Feeling (77.) Of Wolf and Man (78.) Sleepwalk My Life Away (79.) Crown of Barbed Wire (80.) The Struggle Within (81.) Hero of the Day (82.) Broken, Beat and Scarred (83.) Cyanide (84.) Metal Militia (85.) If Darkness Had a Son (86.) Escape (87.) Aint My Bitch (88.) Lords of Summer (89.) I Disappear (90.) Rebel of Babylon (91.) Devil’s Dance (92.) Confusion (93.) Hate Train (94.) Here Comes Revenge (95.) Mama Said (96.) To Hell and Back (97.) Wasting My Hate (98.) Just a Bullet Away (99.) - Human (100.) Thorn Within (101.) Don’t Tread on Me (102.) Jump in the Fire (103.) Prince Charming (104.) Sweet Amber (105.) Carpe Diem Baby (106.) The House Jack Built (107.) 2x4 (108.) Better Than You (109.) ManUNkind (110.) Low Man's Lyric (111.) Where the Wild Things Are (112.) Some Kind of Monster (113.) Am I Savage? (114.) Murder One (115.) Bad Seed (116.) Cure (117.) Attitude (118.) Ronnie (119.) All Within My Hands (120.) Dirty Window (121.) My World (122.) Slither (123.) Shoot Me Again (124.) Poor Twisted Me (125.) Invisible Kid (126.) Purify
Vote for the next 3 songs to be eliminated in the link above. I flipped the order presentation since I felt it looked a little better.
We will pause the poll during the Metallica protest on Jun 12th and 13th and keep the poll going as normal once the sub reopens. For those of you that are protesting for longer, I commend you, and I apologize that you can’t participate in the last few rounds unless you want to DM me your email address and I will email the poll to you. To have this wrapped up by the 12th, I would have had to rush the final few rounds, and that would very much ruin the flow of the final rounds as they should be some of the most entertaining. I will be protesting reddit completely those 2 days, and hope some changes come!

Hey guys, I'm like mind screwing myself here..I'm a level 27 bleed/rend/iron grasp+ deathblow /vulnerability/stun/kind of Barb. Got my first legendary 2 handed mace drop at level 12. I have since upgraded it 3 tiers. Stats and affixes: 284+15 item power. 370 damage per second. 330-494 damage per hit. +24.7% overpower damage. +19.5% vulnerable damage. +32.5% basic skill damage. +13% damage to close enemies(have another piece of gear that stacks with that last one)+18.2% damage to slowed enemies ( not really my focus, I'm more stun/vulnerability) Finally: attacking enemies with a basic skill increases the damage of your next core skill cast by 10%(x)[10-20]%, up to 30%[x]. This is badass😜 Now at level 27 though, I got another 2 handed mace..it's a RARE though..:357 item power, 462 damage per second. (411-617) damage per hit. +27% overpower damage. Lucky hit: up to a 9% chance to execute injured non elites. +38 strength (love that!!) +12% damage to crowd controlled enemies ( pondering this..not sure what is considered crowd control for barb..I have a ground stomp, but that's stun, I love weapons with + DMG to stunned enemies affixes too!) And finally 1 empty socket. By my math, the Level 12 legendary is STILL better, when you add those percentages in the affixes to the lower base damage. I have tried swapping these two using my lunge basic.. numbers are really close, but idk...can someone tell me if im wrong? I cannot find specific info within my particular context, so apologies if this is covered in the broader scope. And yes, I have tons of time on my hands, I am a disabled solo dad, I know I could've possibly screen shot these items. Thanks in advance guys, hope you all are having as much fun as me with D4!

Throwaway in case they use Reddit. Long post too, but messier the more you read.
I (26 f) been trying to move forward now that my year in a nightmare living situation has come to an end but I'm still so resentful, so maybe this will help. After living with my parents during the pandemic, in 2022 I reached out to an old college roommate and we decided me, her, and her boyfriend would find a place. They didn't seem to care where, and I love the city. I warned them it was more expensive but they didn't protest.
Firstly, I did EVERYTHING to secure us the place. The boyfriend, let's call him Chris (M 27) was in the GM and never even answered once. While skimming listings I once asked my old roommate, let's call her Maggie (F 26), to send me 3 listings, and I'd have 3, for a total of 6 places to set up tours for. They were on the opposite coast so it was agreed I'd do the tours. Two of the three listings she sent were ones I'd already sent her. She clearly just looked up the first results and didn't even bother to look at what I'd found.
So after touring, emailing, giving my future roomies step-by-step instructions how to apply, getting my dad to co-sign, and reviewing/revising the lease a couple times (they tried to tack on extra fees as most building management companies do) I started setting up job interviews in the area for move-in the following month. I never once got a thank you, only ever "update?" texts from Maggie, or the occasional complaint when I wasn't working fast enough for them. It's not like I wanted validation or to even make all the decisions, I literally had to because they contributed nothing. I would have much rather taken some help over gratitude, but got neither. When I expressed stress that I was doing a lot, she told me she promised she and her man were 5x more stressed because they didn't have jobs lined up like me. As if job websites don't have location searches and Zoom interviews don't exist.
So we moved in. My parents fronted their portions of rent and the deposit for three weeks, and I was upset when I pushed Maggie about it and she told me her dad had her money but she had just been "too depressed" to call and ask him to wire it. Her words. They seemed to assume that my parents had money to spare, which they didn't, even for their own kid.
I started my job, and I was really struggling with alcohol. The city didn't help because there were quite literally over 100 liquor stores and bars less than half a mile from our building. They drank a lot too, but that's not my business. We kind of drowned in our misery together for about 6 weeks, during which time I lost my job for drinking and got another, but then started experiencing sleep-deprivation psychosis where I just completely broke down, so I decided to check myself into rehab for 30 days.
Two weeks prior that, Maggie came home with a puppy in her purse. A guy sold it to her for $50 at her job and she kept it in the break room till she was off. She'd told me several times before that she liked to go to work buzzed, so I assume that played a part.
I already had a cat who wasn't dog-friendly that I paid an extra deposit to be in the apartment, and they both agreed to have him there (they knew him from the college house). So even wasted, I told her absolutely not about this dog. She didn't ask me or Chris before bringing it home, and the two of them were constantly complaining to me about money and how we split the place evenly even though they shared a much larger room, and rent was still really reasonable for the area we were in ($900 each). Not to mention they didn't even read the lease, so they really had no grounds to complain they'd signed documents agreeing to pay an amount they claimed not to be able to afford. A dog on top of that, I pointed out, made no sense. The city is dirty, it would need shots to stay alive and we lived on a high floor with no balcony or patio for it to relieve itself. Pets also cost money.
Maggie agreed the dog was a bad idea and swore up and down she'd return it because she had the owner's number. A few days before I decided to go to rehab they went out all day and left the puppy locked in their tiny bathroom where it howled the entire time on my only day off, and I freaked out on them but they just gaslit me because I was drunk. I felt terrible leaving it in there, but I didn't ask to take on another animal. Ultimately, they were supportive of my choice to get help and even asked me to please come back instead of subletting and told me how much they'd miss me.
Well, while I was gone, things changed. A week before I came back, I texted Chris and Maggie to let them know the date of my return, and that I'd be bringing a sober companion because the first 72 hours out of rehab are notoriously difficult. Maggie texted back (never Chris, like I said) that they needed me to stay with my parents a few cities over for a while instead, because they weren't comfortable with me or a sober friend coming back so soon. Mind you, I paid rent the month I was gone. So I informed her that wasn't going to happen, and I'd be home the date I said above. She replied "sorry, that's just how we feel." As if they got the final say.
I came back when I said I would, brought my sober companion like I said I would, and Maggie lost her mind. My sober buddy and I watched a movie in my room, minding our business, but she heard a second voice and started texting me about how uncool it was to bring a stranger back. I told her she was welcome to meet them, but she refused.
I did't see either of their faces for two weeks after getting home. Chris was still unemployed and stayed home all day, but locked himself in their room 24/7. The first time I saw him, he'd thought I was Maggie locked out (they lost one of their key sets upon move-in and didn't want to purchase a second set, so this happened a lot) and once he realized it was me he practically ran back to their room. I said "hi" and he just said "I though you were Maggie" and slammed the door.
I don't know if they were resentful toward me for getting sober - maybe it was making them face their own problems - but one reason they hid from me was without question the dog. They avoided discussing it at all while I was in rehab, but I could hear it barking the moment I came home. The house reeked of dog urine. They'd taken my pee pads I sometimes put on the furniture when I think my cat might act up, and just pretended it wasn't there. Never paid me back for those either.
It was pretty soon after this Maggie came home with two men. She'd met them at her job, they told her she'd be good for their company, so she quit on the spot and invited them over to drink to celebrate. She actually opened my bedroom door without realizing I was home to "show them my movie poster" on my wall and explained the situation to me. So much for feeling unsafe having strangers in the house. I cringe to think about how it would've went if I wasn't home. It's worth noting that when she sent in her app to those guys' company, their boss didn't like her resume, so she was unemployed for the next 8 months.
Not long after rehab I began dating my current partner, let's call him Stan (M 28). He was great company because we met in recovery, and it can be lonely to be sober when all your friends partake.
Stan was over a lot, and pretty soon into the relationship we got eager to move in together. I asked Maggie about it (asking Maggie was like asking both of them, Chris never wanted to interact with me after I got sober) and she had nothing but good things to say, because that meant rent would be split four ways now. Stan and I didn't protest an even split, even though my room was barely enough space for one person and we learned pretty quickly how to climb around each other to function day-to-day.
I didn't have a sense of boundaries or standards before sobriety, but Stan encouraged me to strengthen that sense of self I'd previously forfeited to be drunk 24/7 and it made me start to realize some things about the household dynamic. Stan cooked for us a lot, and even before he moved in he was always cleaning Maggie and Chris's dishes along with his. He pointed out that they'd leave things, sloshy with sink water and food bits, for weeks in the sink. He also bought some nice things to cook with like expensive olive oil, and soda water for himself, which Maggie would either take and not say anything, or text me after already taking it promising to pay us back. Never once saw a penny. It upset me even moreso that she was so sneaky about taking it first, so we couldn't say no.
There was even a time when Stan and I went out of town for a wedding, and when we came back Maggie handed us a clean towel of ours. She explained they were out of towels while we were gone, so they went into our bathroom and took one of ours off the rack....I didn't say so until I blew up months later, but that was actually a towel used for clean up....that kind of clean up. Karma worked quick on that one, who goes into someone's private bathroom and takes their towel off the rack to use on themselves?!
I mentioned the common area was hardly used, but the exception was when Maggie and Chris's friends or family visited. It happened probably four or five times in the year we were there. Each time Maggie would give me about a day's warning before the guests would show up. Once, when her dad flew in, she informed me about his week-long stay as he was in his Uber headed to our place from the airport. Even worse, he was meant to take their bed, and they were going to sleep on an air mattress in the living room with the dog that barked at anything that moved. Stan gets up super early for work, and Chris got all grumpy that it woke him up as Stan left because the dog flipped out. Like sorry, should he have used our 15 story window to leave?
Funny enough, after the first night in their room Maggie's dad insisted he take the living room. It was pretty obvious to me he couldn't stand the smell in their room. They continued to use pee pads instead of taking the dog to the street to "go," and it often missed onto the carpet of their room. The smell wafted into the kitchen every time they opened their door, I can't imagine what being in there with the door shut all night would do to a person's nostrils.
It all came to a boiling point about 6 months in. Stan wasn't doing well with the constant stress of cleaning up after others and resentment that came with it. We decided the best course of action was for him to move out, which was confirmed by Maggie confronting us on a Tuesday afternoon, drunk as a skunk, about how the fridge smelled because our leftovers went bad. We went through the entire fridge, and threw out over half of their items that were months expired. They complained about money nonstop but wouldn't get jobs and switched to Doordashing every single day. There was molding cheese, and the kicker: deli meat 2 months past its expiration date, not only with several colors of mold but MAGGOTS. Now we understood why there were dead gnats in the fridge. They were born in there.
When we informed them of Stan's move-out, Maggie said that was fine with her as long as her and Chris's rent remained $650. They actually expected me to pay half the rent for a smaller room, where the kitchen was festering from their mess and the stuff I bought was taken by them with no reimbursement. That, or get a fourth stranger to share my room with me, which barely fit my full-size bed. Furious, I told them I'd be moving out as well, and subletting. They told me I needed to find two people, so I pulled *that* move and said since my dad was the co-signer and unwilling to vouch his credit for a lease his daughter wasn't a part of, we'd dissolve the lease entirely.
This somewhat scared them into moving, and they alleged a move-out date that came and went. Stan and I crossed our fingers they'd leave, we could take the bigger room, and sublet out our old one. We had no problem with rent split three ways, as that was the lease agreement anyway.
In the meantime, the one request I had out of rehab they'd agreed to went out the window. I was never going to ask them not to drink in their own place, but I simply asked that they keep it to their room and out of sight from Stan and me. They stayed in there most of the time anyway, and had a mini fridge. I'm pretty sure she drank every day in there, which again wasn't my business but it became obvious when she did stuff like leave the electric stovetop on for hours.
She had friends over again, and they not only filled up the living room with luggage and mattresses with just a few hours heads up to me, but drank out there while I was in my room. The house smelled like booze (and dog urine, always dog urine...) and they even had some full cans in the fridge when they went out. I texted her angrily, because the box of White Claws was shoved in so that my own food was squashed in the back of the fridge, and she blew me off like I had no right to ruin her night. I spent till sunrise on AA zoom meetings, shaking with anger. The texts must have made her angry too, because she brought back additional strangers to drink some more in the living room till dawn.
There were tons of incidents like this throughout the year, and even worse Maggie took it upon herself to try to mediate arguments in my relationship. She'd overhear and come out drunk to try to step in. She once confronted me about "not seeming sober" when I had over 4 months. I told her she had no place to comment even if I had relapsed, and she told me to "make sure I'm going to meetings." I so very much wanted to snap back that she should find some of her own.
This went on a whole year. Stan left, but when he did so and came back to visit the first time, Maggie cornered him and demanded he pay rent for that month. He was already moved into another place, and paying rent there. She yelled at him that she and Chris don't have money, Stan just told her that's not his responsibility to foot the bill for their laziness. Even so, he compromised and still paid utilities till our lease ended.
Up till the last couple days, they still disrespected me and my space. They'd let their dog eat my cat's food almost daily, sometimes more. They'd watch it urinate on the floor, and maybe if I was standing right there to see it, they'd wipe it down with a pee pad, no disinfectant. Once I did it myself and left the rag and cleaner on the floor by the puddle to make a point. The next day I found the rag on the sink; she confirmed she took it off the floor to wipe down our kitchen counters. Even if she didn't know what it was used for, who uses a dirty rag on the floor to wipe where they put food?
I let them know a few days before move-out that I would be cleaning certain common areas -- half, when it realistically should have been a third -- and that the rest was their responsibility. I also told them the couch was theirs to take down. We didn't have one for a long time, but when Stan was living with us Maggie found one freshly put on the street and texted us. Stan and I met her down there to carry it up, and she just watched us do it and made comments about "getting in our workout for the day." She didn't even help propping open doors.
On move-out, I had work in the afternoon in the next city over. I'd already packed all my stuff into boxes, they had one sitting in the living room. Not my business as long as they were out on time. They were up and moving on the last day, scrambling to pack, when I informed them my parents were coming to transport my stuff and help with my part of the cleaning since I had to be at my new job on time. They immediately holed up in their room, and stayed there for FIVE HOURS, not wanting to interact with my parents. They were the ones we paid rent to, and of course they'd heard my grievances, but they were always friendly and reasonable to Maggie and Chris as long as they sent rent on time. I have no idea what time they ended up leaving, since they stayed deadly silent too, according to my mom who stayed to clean after I went to work.
A week later, we got our bill from the building. Our whole deposit was eaten up, and an additional $460 was owed for the building to hire cleaners. My mom helped me, and we did more than our share, but clearly my roommates still didn't pull their weight.
I think they moved back with Chris's parents, I don't really care. If they did, I feel sorry for everyone involved in that situation. They have no decency or consideration, and mooch as much as they can for as little effort as possible. And on top of all that, still complain. As for me, I miraculously stayed sober, and Stan and I live together in the city where we both work.
I guess I can count on time to show them how awful they were, because we're getting older and not many people will put up with that moving forward. I wouldn't wish that experience on anyone, and don't intend to ever live with roommates ever again because of what they put me through. Stan, my cat, maybe a dog we acquire responsibly in the future, and some kids someday. That'll be acceptable.

I really really wish I had before and after photos to share but when I started my routine, my expectations were so low that I didn’t think it was worth it. I mostly started doing this routine because I’m pregnant for the first time and have a lot of time on my hands. I also hoped I would prevent existing stretch marks from worsening if I gained weight during my pregnancy.
Anyway, I’ve had stretch marks on my knees and inner thighs since I went through puberty. They started out red/purple when I was teenager but have long turned white and I just figured there was nothing to be done about them. The ones on my inner thighs never bothered me a ton but I admit, I’ve always hated the ones on my knees since it doesn’t seem as common to have them there.
Anyway, four months ago, I started a routine of microneedling, using lactic acid, vitamin e oil, and red light therapy. Basically I microneedle the problem areas and then apply a small amount of lactic acid to the area. Then I use my Current Body red light mask (which is for the face but it’s bendable so I just make it work) on each area for 10 minutes (so 40 minutes total). Afterwards I use a thick, sticky vitamin E oil/serum.
I swear, my stretch marks are all but gone. I couldn’t be happier, especially about the improvement with my knees. I really started doing this with very little hope and mostly out of boredom. I’m not sure which part of the routine has helped the most or if it’s the combination but I just wanted to share.
I haven’t gained any new stretch marks yet in pregnancy (27 weeks currently) but if they start popping up, I’ll definitely attack them with my amateur routine.
ETA: the stretch marks, specifically the ones on my knees went through a short period where it almost seemed like they were getting worse before they got better. They went from white back to the reddish/purple color they were when they first appeared as a teen. I also thought I’d note that if I weren’t pregnant, I’d have probably used tret on and off as well. I think tret could probably do a lot of good in combination with microneedling. I might also opt for glycolic acid over lactic acid but I just happened to have the lactic acid already but I’ve read glycolic might work better.

This is super Long!!
AND
I’m not sure if this post is within the scope of this Subreddit… but I will try again.
Ok so my original post was removed before I was able to defend/ explain my side of this story. This was definitely not our brightest moment and I am in no way proud to sit here and tell everybody I was once addicted to heroine. It’s actually really hard due to the fact of what was said in the comments of my last post. But that isn’t why I am here. I’m not here to talk about my past and how I need to fix that issue because I’ve done that. That being said if you could please put yourself in my shoes and look at how my SO and I were treated during this time when we needed support and compassion, not betrayal and fake love from my MIL. MIL did try and manipulate the whole situation for no good reason other than to make herself look like she cared and make herself out to look like the “hero”. So this is another story but with a bit more explanation and background.
So me (31M yes,I forgot my age) and my SO (32F) have been together for about 4 years. Shortly after we made things “official” I found out that she was a long term heroine addict. She has been using for 10+ years. I explained earlier that at the time I was having trouble sleeping at night, but not why, but it was due to drinking too much red bull and I was on Adderall for my ADD. I drank to come down every night and when I found out about my SO and her heroine addiction she started openly doing around me so I became more and more interested in it over time because I seen how it just put her out!! I had to drink almost all day to barely fall asleep, so when I say inevitable, I mean if something is in your face like her shit was in mine, it more likely than not, is going to end up being very difficult not to try. Most people who have a heroine dependency know it only takes once or twice to be hooked. Kinda like someone eating ice cream in front of a lactose intolerant person. Not at all, I know, but I’m not trying to get too deep because I’m really here to talk about my MIL so don’t linger on our addiction.
So 2 years into our relationship my SO gets a feeling she could be pregnant. It wasn’t planned and I wish it could have waited until we were committed fully to sobriety, but that wasn’t in our cards. My MIL caught wind of my SO believing she was Pregnant and on Valentines Day gave Her a pregnancy test and a Flower. The results were in fact positive and we absolutely knew it was time to grow up and do better. MIL said she understood and made us believe we could confine in her and she would have our backs and she would Pray for us.
MIL called CPS on us when she was AROUND 7 months knowing we had a plan!We explained our situation and to CPS and they told us that they ultimately were not able to look into our case until LO was born. So she in essence tried to get him taken away right off Rip. It was later in the pregnancy when we found out we were expecting (LO Birthday is 6/27/21) so only giving my SO less than a month to find a doctor, to see Dr, and make a pretty drastic lifestyle change is definitely a little harsh. Maybe SO took a minute to get on Suboxone but how can you try and fuck with someone knowing they are putting in an effort to get better? And behind their back? (Rhetorical questions,To me it’s BS)
Anyways, she was all supportive to our faces but after we left or whatever she was off telling people we were 100% going to lose our LO. She told her sisters, her co-workers, and anybody else who knew us that we were handing rights over to her after birth because we couldn’t kick our addiction. She continued to fill her house up like she was truly going to come home with our LO. MIL completely child proofed her home to set the scene for her lies and delusions. We didn’t know. We thought MIL was just being extra and buying stuff for herself for when we “came to visit” but, nope!! She told people that “there was no way CPS will allow them to take that baby home” and “they plan to hand custody rights over to me before leaving the hospital” I even heard she had no faith that when our LO was born he wouldn’t have to go through withdrawals. All of which were UNTRUE. She KNEW SO was getting help so MIL wouldn’t have to be stuck raising our LO. We didn’t want that, we planned on getting Sober before baby came and that’s exactly what SO did. Unfortunately I wasn’t sober until after, but there wasn’t a time where both of us were using, one of us has always been sober taking care of our LO.
We did talk to everyone, even CPS, before leaving the hospital that needed to be informed and we were cleared to take him home! MIL still somehow convinced my SO that our LO was better off in her care and so CPS was called again to write up a “legal contract” (it was written with a marker on yellow lined tear-away type of paper) stating she had temporarily guardianship of our child for 6 months. All this entitled MIL to do was to go to his Drs appointments without us and to make critical decisions for him without our consent. Nothing else, we were not limited to seeing our LO or anything like that. She just needed to feel less like an idiot so I let her have her victory.
It didn’t last but maybe 2-3 months and she realized how time consuming and difficult it was to raise a newborn. She wasn’t able to do any housework and her sleeping schedule was abruptly interrupted and she just couldn’t handle it, so we of course, took him back and have been caring for him 125% since then like we always planned on doing.
Months later I don’t know what the reason was for my SO to be in her mothers closet, but she came across photos, along side court documents motioning to get full custody of our child. These were like the photos you wait an hour for at your local supermarket, but they were of my SO and I asleep with our LO in our arms, sleeping himself. Every picture it was one of us nodded off, looking as though we were high as a kite, looking after the LO. When In actuality we were napping with our NB, just like most new parents do, I’m sure!! But!!! she was snapping pics of us without our permission thinking she could carry out this delusion of us neglecting our LO.
She never admitted to doing us dirty, never once did we make any kind of remark, request, or even have a need for her to think she would be raising our child. She just needed everyone to see how great of a person she would be for stepping up. She needed validation for some weird reason.
As I speak my so is getting a text from her aunt saying MIL plans on taking in a homeless woman. AND SHE PROBABLY ISN’T EVEN HOMELESS!! Like she really has a problem!!!
My parents think she is unhinged, hopefully this completes the picture.
Edit: spelling/ grammar

TL;DR - follow steps 1 through 5. The rest is optional. Read the intro paragraph tho.
ChatGPT is a language model. You run it over the cloud. It is censored in many ways. These language models run on your computer, and your conversation with them is totally private. And it's free forever. And many of them are completely uncensored and will talk about anything, no matter how dirty or socially unacceptable, etc. The point is - this is your own personal private ChatGPT (not quite as smart) that will never refuse to discuss ANY topic, and is completely private and local on your machine. And yes it will write code for you too.
This guide is for Windows (but you can run them on Macs and Linux too).
1) Create a new folder on your computer.
2) Go here and download the latest koboldcpp.exe:
https://github.com/LostRuins/koboldcpp/releases
As of this writing, the latest version is 1.29
Stick that file into your new folder.
3) Go to my leaderboard and pick a model. Click on any link inside the "Scores" tab of the spreadsheet, which takes you to huggingface. Check the Files and versions tab on huggingface and download one of the .bin files.
Leaderboard spreadsheet that I keep up to date with the latest models:
https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1NgHDxbVWJFolq8bLvLkuPWKC7i_R6I6W/edit?usp=sharing&ouid=102314596465921370523&rtpof=true&sd=true
Allow me to recommend a good starting model - a 7b parameter model that almost everyone will have the RAM to run:
guanaco-7B-GGML
Direct download link: https://huggingface.co/TheBloke/guanaco-7B-GGML/resolve/main/guanaco-7B.ggmlv3.q5_1.bin (needs 7GB ram to run on your computer)
Here's a great 13 billion parameter model if you have the RAM:
Nous-Hermes-13B-GGML
Direct download link: https://huggingface.co/TheBloke/Nous-Hermes-13B-GGML/resolve/main/nous-hermes-13b.ggmlv3.q5_1.bin (needs 12.26 GB of RAM to run on your computer)
Finally, the best (as of right now) 30 billion parameter model, if you have the RAM:
WizardLM-30B-GGML
Direct download link: https://huggingface.co/TheBloke/WizardLM-30B-GGML/resolve/main/wizardlm-30b.ggmlv3.q5_1.bin (needs 27 GB of RAM to run on your computer)
Put whichever .bin file you downloaded into the same folder as koboldcpp.exe
4) Technically that's it, just run koboldcpp.exe, and in the Threads put how many cores your CPU has. Check "Streaming Mode" and "Use SmartContext" and click Launch. Point to the model .bin file you downloaded, and voila.
5) Once it opens your new web browser tab (this is all local, it doesn't go to the internet), click on "Scenarios", select "New Instruct", and click Confirm.
You're DONE!
Now just talk to the model like ChatGPT and have fun with it. You have your very own large language model running on your computer, not using internet or some cloud service or anything else. It's yours forever, and it will do your bidding evil laugh. Try saying stuff that go against ChatGPT's "community guidelines" or whatever. Oh yeah - try other models! Explore!
Now, the rest is for those who'd like to explore a little more.
For example, if you have an NVIDIA or AMD video card, you can offload some of the model to that video card and it will potentially run MUCH FASTER!
Here's a very simple way to do it. When you launch koboldcpp.exe, click on "Use OpenBLAS" and choose "Use CLBlast GPU #1". Here it will ask you how many layers you want to offload to the GPU. Try putting 10 for starters and see what happens. If you can still talk to your model, try doing it again and raising the number. Eventually it will fail, and complain about not having enough VRAM (in the black command prompt window that opens up). Great, you've found your maximum layers for that model that your video card can handle, so bring the number down by 1 or 2 again so it doesn't run out of VRAM, and this is your max - for that model size.
This is very individual because it depends on the size of the model (7b, 13b, or 30b parameters) and how much VRAM your video card has. The more the better. If you have an RTX 4090 or RTX 3090 for example, you have 24 GB vram and you can offload the entire model fully to the video card and have it run incredibly fast.
The next part is for those who want to go a bit deeper still.
You can create a .bat file in the same folder for each model that you have. All those parameters that you pick when you ran koboldcpp.exe can be put into the .bat file so you don't have to pick them every time. Each model can have its own .bat file with all the parameters that you like for that model and work with your video card perfectly.
So you create a file, let's say something like "Kobold-wizardlm-30b.ggmlv3.q5_1.bat"
Here is what my file has inside:

title koboldcpp :start koboldcpp ^ --model wizardlm-30b.ggmlv3.q5_1.bin ^ --useclblast 0 0 ^ --gpulayers 14 ^ --threads 9 ^ --smartcontext ^ --usemirostat 2 0.1 0.1 ^ --stream ^ --launch pause goto start 

Let me explain each line:
Oh by the way the ^ at the end of each line is just to allow multiple lines. All those lines are supposed to be one big line, but this allows you to split it into individual lines for readability. That's all that does.
"title" and "start" are not important lol
koboldcpp ^ - that's the .exe file you're launching.
--model wizardlm-30b.ggmlv3.q5_1.bin ^ - the name of the model file
--useclblast 0 0 ^ - enabling ClBlast mode. 0 0 points to your system and your video card. Occasionally it will be different for some people, like 1 0.
--gpulayers 14 ^ - how many layers you're offloading to the video card
--threads 9 ^ - how many CPU threads you're giving this model. A good rule of thumb is put how many physical cores your CPU has, but you can play around and see what works best.
--smartcontext ^ - an efficient/fast way to handle the context (the text you communicate to the model and its replies).
--usemirostat 2 0.1 0.1 ^ - don't ask, just put it in lol. It has to do with clever sampling of the tokens that the model chooses to respond to your inquiry. Each token is like a tiny piece of text, a bit less than a word, and the model chooses which token should go next like your iphone's text predictor. This is a clever algorithm to help it choose the good ones. Like I said, don't ask, just put it in! That's what she said.
--stream ^ - this is what allows the text your model responds with to start showing up as it is writing it, rather than waiting for its response to completely finish before it appears on your screen. This way it looks more like ChatGPT.
--launch - this makes the browser window/tab open automatically when you run the .bat file. Otherwise you'd have to open a tab in your browser yourself and type in "http://localhost:5001/?streaming=1#" as the destination yourself.
pause
goto start - don't worry about these, ask ChatGPT if you must, they're not important.
Ok now the next part is for those who want to go even deeper. You know you like it.
So when you go to one of the models, like here: https://huggingface.co/TheBloke/Nous-Hermes-13B-GGML/tree/main
You see a shitload of .bin files. How come there's so many? What are all those q4_0's and q5_1's, etc? Think of those as .jpg, while the original model is a .png. It's a lossy compression method for large language models - otherwise known as "quantization". It's a way to compress the model so it runs on less RAM or VRAM. It takes the weights and quantizes them, so each number which was originally FP16, is now a 4-bit or 5-bit or 6-bit. This makes the model slightly less accurate, but much smaller in size, so it can easily run on your local computer. Which one you pick isn't really vital, it has a bigger impact on your RAM usage and speed of inferencing (interacting with) the model than its accuracy.
A good rule of thumb is to pick q5_1 for any model's .bin file. When koboldcpp version 1.30 drops, you should pick q5_K_M. It's the new quantization method. This is bleeding edge and stuff is being updated/changed all the time, so if you try this guide in a month.. things might be different again. If you wanna know how the q_whatever compare, you can check the "Model Card" tab on huggingface, like here:
https://huggingface.co/TheBloke/Nous-Hermes-13B-GGML
TheBloke is a user who converts the most models into GGML and he always explains what's going on in his model cards because he's great. Buy him a coffee (also in the model card). He needs caffeine to do what he does for free for everybody. ALL DAY EVERY DAY.
Oh yeah - GGML is just a way to allow the models to run on your CPU (and partly on GPU, optionally). Otherwise they HAVE to run on GPU (video card) only. So the models initially come out for GPU, then someone like TheBloke creates a GGML repo on huggingface (the links with all the .bin files), and this allows koboldcpp to run them (this is a client that runs GGML/CPU versions of models). It allows anyone to run the models regardless of whether they have a good GPU or not. This is how I run them, and it allows you to run REALLY GOOD big models, all you need is enough RAM. RAM is cheap. Video cards like RTX 4090 are stupid expensive right now.
Ok this is the gist.
As always check out /LocalLLaMA/ for a dedicated community who is quite frankly obsessed with local models and they help each other figure all this out and find different ways to run them, etc. You can go much deeper than the depths we have already plumbed in this guide. There's more to learn, and basically it involves better understanding what these models are, how they work, how to run them using other methods (besides koboldcpp), what kind of bleeding edge progress is being made for local large language models that run on your machine, etc. There's tons of cool research and studies being done. We need more open source stuff like this to compete with OpenAI, Microsoft, etc. There's a whole community working on it for all our benefit.
I hope you find this helpful - it really is very easy, no code required, don't even have to install anything. But if you are comfortable with google colab, with pip installs, know your way around github, and other python-based stuff for example, well those options are there for you as well, and they open up other possibilities - like having the models interact with your local files, or create agents with the models so they all talk to each other with their own goals and personalities, etc.

I achieved polytheist greaterplayer status in 933 games, taking the minimal number of wins possible (28) by never repeating a background, god, or species unless necessary! You can check out my score page and stats page at the usual places; alternatively (especially if you’re reading this from the future), you can check out my grid or list of wins, also available in a score PDF or stats PDF if you’d rather. (Why did this take 28 wins and not 27, you ask? 0.30, with Armataurs and Reavers, came out while I was playing 0.29, but I’d already won a Palentonga Abyssal Knight!)
You can also find this post at http://singleton-dcss-polytheist-greaterplayer.antalsz.com/minimal-polytheist-greaterplayer.html, in preparation for the upcoming subreddit blackout protest action (solidarity!).
I started playing DCSS just about two years ago (July 31, 2021), although I’d played a bunch of NetHack and some Brogue before. I insisted on my first win being a DEWz^Sif, because dammit, I wanted to win as a caster, and those were the three casteriest choices! (My first NetHack ascension was a Wiz-Elf-Mal-Cha, back in the day.) In retrospect: wow, what a choice. It took me 109 games of trying over a month and a half, but I got that first win!
I then decided I wanted to try something totally different, so I went with a FoFi^Qaz – I loved the sound of a shield plus an executioner’s axe. Again, in retrospect: a Formicid of Qazlal‽ But it only took me 4 games over 4 days to get my second win. (Only had a battleaxe, in the end.)
Around here I committed to the idea of going for polytheist greaterplayer in the minimal number of games, and started to work out my list of characters. One thing I decided on early was that I was going to delay the canonical “easy characters” for new players as late as possible, to… well, to show off, I guess, let’s be honest. So I put DrCj^Veh and MiBe^Trog at 24 and 25 on my list, respectively. Other than that, I let myself play what I wanted, repeating characters until I won, and occasionally tweaking the list. I played on stable, since the thought of a game breaking out from under me on trunk was unappealing. By sheer chance, my very first game from above was the day after the release of 0.27; it took me until after the release of 0.30 to complete my goal.
I really like DCSS. I absolutely love the spellcasting; the different spells feel interesting to cast, and meaningfully different from each other. Casting Maxwell’s Capacitive Coupling is different from Shatter is different from Polar Vortex – or, at lower levels, Foxfire is different from Magic Dart is different from Freeze. The weapon abilities, armor and weapon brands, and random and fixed artifacts all come together for a really dynamic equipment game, too. I think the skilling system is neat but really hard to get a handle on; there’s a high skill ceiling there (no pun intended). On a more meta-level, I really appreciate the philosophy of Crawl, particularly around a lack of grinding. The only downside is how much the game fills my head even when I’m not playing; it’s fun, but potentially a little bit all-consuming.
A couple of spell opinions: if I find Olgreb’s Toxic Radiance early, I’ll try to retool almost any character who plausibly could to cast it; it nukes everything, and means I can hit Orc before Lair. Plus, it trivializes (the offensive part of) Spider and to an extent Shoals. And that’s all without adding in Ignite Poison! Mid- to late-game, I think Yara’s Violent Unravelling is one of the strongest spells available. It cleans up against summoners, so no sudden Tzitzimimeh or Brimstone Fiends or Neqoxecs from your neighborhood demonologists; it dispels scary buffs like haste and might; and it cancels dangerous spells like, in particular, ironbound convokers’ Word of Recall. And it does all this by turning enemies into bombs! What’s not to love? It’s worth going out of your way for, IMO.
I definitely (as one would hope!) improved over the course of this journey. I found myself regularly going for 4 or 5 runes (I got much less scared of Abyss over time, though I still default to Vaults:5 or Slime for my 3rd) and the Vestibule of Hell, though that’s partly because I always like getting stronger characters and seeing what they can do. I learned that I should refine my skilling down to my actual goals, and sometimes even managed to actually do that. By the same token, I’ve at least started to learn to embrace using my consumables. And I just got better at tactics; some of these I got to bring in from NetHack, but others were different (e.g., NetHack’s doors restrict you to 4-way movement, and you can only shoot in the 8 cardinal directions).
What’s next for me with DCSS? Well, I’ll maybe take a bit of a break, but my official score page doesn’t know that Arcane Marksmen were renamed to Hexslingers, so it looks like I’m missing that… and it has an empty column for skald for some reason, so maybe I should fill that in… and while I’m back there, I never did play a deep dwarf or a centaur or… oh hey, the stats page records that I’ve only won 1 draconian color towards Tiamat…. Or I suppose I could just play some games for fun, but hey, where’s the fun in that? :-)
Major thanks to this subreddit, the wiki (so glad it’s back!), the learndb and the knowledge bots, listgame and Sequell, and the #crawl IRC channel for being incredibly valuable resources for learning about DCSS. And my profound gratitude to the Devteam for putting together an incredible game and continuing the development in the open (I lurk #crawl-dev sometimes), and Linley Henzell for writing the original Crawl back in the day.
Here are a few thoughts on my 933-game, 28-win journey, character by character, for anybody who’s interested in some of the details.

1. DEWz^Sif, 3 runes (109 games). So much floundering, so many bad branch orders, so much confusion about skilling! I was very much learning the game during this – at one point, I said “I think my short sword with rF+ and MP+ is better than a +6 quick blade”. Still, despite everything, I got Shatter castable in my winning game, and that can’t have hurt :-)
   
2. FoFi^Qaz, 4 runes (4 games). Things improved pretty fast! This only took me four tries, and I snagged both the silver (for the first time) and slimy runes.
   
3. GhEE^Yred, 3 runes (46 games). As of this writing, I hold the only online win for a GhEE^Yred, and I see why. I thought, oh, ghouls have okay earth aptitudes, undead fit with Yredelemnul… nope. It took me until playing demigods (my 27th win) to really understand how important stats are.
   
4. SpEn^Wu, 4 runes (30 games). This was fun! Dart, dart, lunge, stab, kaboom! After losing two games here, I put DCSS down for almost a year, and came back to 0.29 (having skipped 0.28 entirely). It also featured my one departure from my rigid plan – I found an early Jiyva altar in a Sewer once, and decided to roll with it (before dying).
   
5. PaAK^Lu, 5 runes (4 games). Knowing that Palentongas and Abyssal Knights were being removed, I wanted to get a game in with them. Conveniently, I’d already planned on playing a PaAK. It was so different – I’d gotten so used to running away!
   
6. FeSu^OneiGozag>Jiyva, 15 runes (2 games). I saw oneirical’s guide/s and was just so tempted, so I rejiggered my list to fit it in. What a blast! The guide was good enough that this only took me two tries, and that was for my very first time in extended (beyond the Vestibule of Hell), a ziggurat (which I completed!) or even the Crypt! Thanks, oneirical!
   
7. OgGl^Oka, 3 runes (137 games). I don’t know why I found this so hard – harder even than my DEWz when learning the game! The thinking was: go Okawaru, get a great artifact giant spiked club from them, get a bunch of large rocks from them, Hulk smash. I didn’t get that GSC, but I did smash things with a great mace they gave me and a GSC that I enchanted myself.
   
8. NaVM^Chei, 4 runes (10 games). Olgreb’s Toxic Radiance my beloved. I found the woodcutter’s axe on D:5 in the hands of a gnoll bouda in a vault, and it almost killed me (6673 D:5 HP: 3/70 [gnoll bouda/the +3 woodcutter's axe {vorpal} (1)]), but I used it for the rest of the game – it’s an awesome find on a spellcaster, I never put a single skill point into Axes.
   
9. HOMo^Beogh, 4 runes (27 games). My first time playing skill-target games to get a title – I wanted to be a Messiah, so I targeted Fighting at 26.9 while letting Invocations hit 27 (and dipped into a ziggurat to get my piety back up after Z:5).
   
10. DjFE^Makh, 15 runes (41 games). I really like Djinn. You can cast so much! I had the Elemental Staff, which was great fun; Iron Shot + Chain Lightning is a great pair of spells, too. After I realized how much I could cast, I made it a point not to make any physical attacks – in the end, I only made three mêlée attacks all game, and they were all accidental (and no throwing at all). This character just felt super strong, so after finishing Zot I decided to take my first unguided journey into extended, and ended up completing two ziggurats after getting all my runes. (Lom Lobon was scary, though – I had multiple close calls and used a ton of scrolls of blinking.)
    
11. VSWr^Usk, 8 runes (43 games). I’m proud of this game for being one where (1) I realized I could go into extended, but (2) I realized that discretion was the better part of valor and left early after exiting a ziggurat with single-digit HP from a mummy floor. I used an artifact spear of speed all game because I found it early and it was fast enough to capitalize on my bite, but I think that was a mistake and I should’ve gone to/back to short blades to get the stabbing bonus (never found a quick blade, though). On the upside, I found a potion of experience in a bailey in my winning game, only to discover I was already carrying two others! I made the tactical error of Grand Finale-ing the Royal Jelly, and then almost dying to engulfment by quicksilver oozes.
    
12. TeAE^Zin, 5 runes (5 games). Since I was worshiping Zin I wanted to go to Hell, but this character didn’t feel strong enough. Otherwise, not terribly remarkable. I did pick up Wyrmbane in Depths, which was a good time, as I was barely doing any physical combat before that.
    
13. BaAM^Hep, 5 runes (1 game!). My only one-and-won and consequently (due to my play-one-character-repeatedly approach) my only streak! Barachi, Hexslinger (formerly Arcane Marksman), and Hepliaklqana all seem to be really strong together. And it didn’t hurt that I bought Zephyr in a shop in Snake; that thing is nuts. I did a little bit of a ziggurat before Zot:5, but decided to take the 5-rune win rather than get cocky.
    
14. MfIE^TSO, 15 runes (43 games). At first, a Mf^TSO was where I was planning to do extended for the first (and only?) time; thanks to oneirical, I learned I needn’t be so scared. Still, I decided I was going to take this character all the way; I wanted to play with one of TSO’s holy weapons! So… I died to Gloorx Vloq due to lethal poison. But eventually I made it! I got to use both a eudemon blade from The Shining One and the trishula “Condemnation”, so really taking advantage of all the Merfolk aptitudes. I even cleared a ziggurat! Other highlights include accidentally clearing Slime without rCorr (it was only on an artifact weapon, and I forgot I wasn’t using it until after dispatching TRJ) and realizing in a ziggurat that a potion of attraction + Cleansing Flame can actually recover you a lot of health as a worshiper of TSO against smiters/damnationers/tormenters who are trying to keep their distance.
    
15. MuNe^Ash, 5^* runes (20 games). My winning game got one extended rune – icy, from Cocytus (in addition to silver, slimy, barnacled, and serpentine). It didn’t seem to me like Mummies were as hard as people say, but that might be because Ashenzari is as good as people say. I had a very frustrating death where I tried to take advantage of being undead to clear some of Tomb:1 but misremembered how far in I could go – and this in a game where I forgot to do Vaults:1–4 and went straight to Depths, and cleared it! My winning game, I went back and revenged myself on the safe part of Tomb:1, at least. I also killed Mennas and dipped into a ziggurat. I was surprised how good Haunt was; I took it as a lesson in the danger of being surrounded.
    
16. KoDe^Dith, 5 runes (16 games). It’s amazing how good an early stab on a red enemy as a Delver feels, as you rocket up in XP. I hit #********* stealth before picking up the orb.
    
17. HuCA^Ignis, 3 runes (23 games). I know it’s not “intended”, but I had to keep Ignis for polytheist. That meant I underused their abilities, since I was nervous about running out. In my winning run, Wyrmbane was graciously donated by Maggie on D:8, and I dropped axes like a hot potato. Obnoxiously, though, the very first gloves to spawn were the Mad Mage’s Maulers on Shoals:4.
    
18. VpBr^Kiku, 5 runes (32 games). I definitely preferred to be bloodless; the benefits seem really strong. Not much else to say here.
    
19. MeAr^Ely, 3 runes (18 games). I was not looking forward to this; I play slooooowly. But it was more fun than I expected! Elyvilon is great, and not just in 0.29 for Meteorans where you can use them to get rid of your Zot clock drain (a synergy I opted into accidentally). Smite-targeted “Heal Other” to OHKO enemies? Amazing. And Meteoran aptitudes are great! Still, not planning to do this again any time soon. Also I’m kicking myself for missing an enchant weapon scroll that would’ve let me bring my lajatang up to +9. How do people take Meteorans into extended? I felt like I was running out of Zot clock so often!
    
20. GnWn^Nem, 5 runes (6 games). I got to be a hybrid tank casting 5th and 6th level spells in crystal plate, what’s not to love? Also vampiric axes are incredible. Nemelex wasn’t too shabby either. Unfortunately, I really wanted to rescue Crazy Yiuf this run, but I wasn’t thinking and killed him with Manifold Assault trying to get a balrug while standing on the exit.
    
21. GrCK^Xom, 10 runes (48 games). The Xom-meister! Another run I wasn’t looking forward to (I had this and Meteoran classed as “Miserable” in my planning document), so I paired it with a powerful species. I got a bit cocky and wanted to try extended runes with Xom due to some great equipment, so of course I died in Pandemonium with 7 runes on game 6 (I hadn’t noticed that I could read scrolls again). But I did eventually win with a ziggurat and the 5 Pan runes; I tried Cocytus, escaped a hairy situation, and decided enough was enough with Xom. Extended runes with Xom! I’m proud of that, but no more Xom for me, thanks.
    
22. OpTm^Gozag, 15 runes (9 games). After oneirical’s guide, I sort of figured this character would do 15 runes. And boy howdy did it. (Plus a ziggurat!) Dragon Form was strong early, Storm Form and Necromutation were naturally stronger later. (This might be the run where I forgot how to do extended without Necromutation, actually.) And Bribe Branch is bonkers strong; Zot:5 and Tomb were so chill. Bonus: the Octopode lich tile is so cute! Thank you, sastreii!
    
23. DsHu^Fedhas, 5 runes (66 games). Some sloppy play made this take so many games. (What early-me would’ve said to calling this “so many”!) Fedhas seems quite good, although in retrospect going ranged with Demonspawn means your body mutations feel pretty pointless unless you get antennae… which I did in my winning game, so that’s nice :-) Overgrow is neat; I was able to crack into the Zot lungs, but I sadly didn’t get a Gauntlet so I couldn’t sequence-break it.
    
24. DrCj^Veh, 15 runes (5 games). As I mentioned, I deliberately put off the canonical “easy characters” as late as I could. So here was a (grey) DrCj^Veh, the magic character that, in retrospect, maybe I should’ve started with. (I think renaming “Wizard” to “Hedge Wizard” plus changing the abbreviation was a good call.) Okay, so taking it into extended and completing a Ziggurat isn’t a starting-character approach! Shatter remains great, but I feel like Fire Storm is overrated? I got to use the Elemental Staff again, which is always a treat!
    
25. MiBe^Trog, 3 runes (4 games). Ah, the classic starting character. This is as late as I could put it: 25th, the final background. (After this, I had to repeat something until the release of 0.30, but that happened later.) What is there to say? I acquired “the +9 executioner's axe "Cusuarph" {vorpal, rC+ Dex+4}” in a Bailey on turn 10129, basically stapled it to my hands almost immediately (it hit mindelay mid-Lair), and then threw on some crystal plate I found in Elf:3. Grandplayer complete!
    
26. TrGl^Ru, 4 runes (19 games). Now I was into repeats! I found this character challenging, but Ru is really strong. I lost a character with the scales of the Dragon King and the shield of the gong in Slime after clearing Vaults, which was more than a bit tragic, but my winning game found mundane gold dragon scales on D:7 so it worked out. I sacrificed Arcana (Earth, Hexes, and Necromancy, not that it mattered), Nimbleness, Stealth, Artifice, and Drink, which worked out. Polytheist complete! (Unless that includes atheist.)
    
27. DgHW, 15 runes (153 games). I decided I wanted to close out the 0.29 list with a Hedge Wizard, coming back to where I started. Then. That took. Forever. The most games of any combo. 0.30 came out while I was working on this character! Admittedly, I lost six different Demigods in extended that I could’ve taken to a 3–5-rune win. (Fuck Dis, fuck Ziggurats.) My first extended loss was after a much more reasonable 23 games (and I claim partly due to lag – I hit Xkk to examine a panlord while at lowish health, the game missed the X, and… not that I would necessarily have survived anyway, but still). After 30 games, the 0.30 tournament started, and although Call Imp got a lot better, I didn’t get a single win during the tourney as I kept brute-forcing extended (but did get the combo high score, somehow). I finally won, using Chain Lightning and very aggressive casting of Maxwell’s Capacitive Coupling. I tried to do a ziggurat after Dis but before Tartarus (!) of all places, and while I found the Necromutation I was looking for, I had to bail. After Tomb, I decided I really wanted the ziggurat completion, and tried again – I had to run through most of the final floors, but I got out! And finally rescued Crazy Yiuf, to boot! If you require atheist, then now it was polytheist complete!
    
28. AtRe^faded altar Jiyva, 4 runes (12 games). Now that 0.30 was out, I had Armataurs and Reavers to win. So, like everybody else, I played a bunch of AtRes. I went for a faded altar when I could, since I hadn’t done that yet. My first game? Xom. It actually went pretty well, though, despite the eventual death (after conversion to Cheibriados). My eventual win was with a faded altar Jiyva from D:3, and while the loss of consumables wasn’t great, you hit max piety fast. I definitely underused their abilities, particularly later. But I made it out. And with that: greaterplayer complete!!
    

If you really did make it all the way down here, thanks for reading everything! I really like Crawl, but don’t have a ton of folks I know in my daily life who play/ed it, so it’s nice to share with a community who knows what I’m talking about :-)

This was a comedy-drama short play that I wrote for my theater's new work program.
Less Food And More Thought
By Vision-Quest-9054
Draft Completed –May 15, 2023
​
Characters:
Jonah O’Connell- An autistic man with anxiety and an eating disorder. He lives with his younger brother, Nate, his sister-in-law Katya, and his nephew, Damien. (Jonah can be played by anyone between the ages of 27-49)
Katya O’Connel – Obviously not her maiden name since she is a mail-order bride from Russia. She is Nate’s wife and the mother of Damien. She has a distinct Russian accent. She is also quite callously insensitive as she initially lacks understanding of her family’s personal issues. She can be a younger adult or middle-aged adult.
\Puppeteer* – Though this is not an actual character, it is a professional puppeteer that has experience with either arm rod puppets, dummies, or hand puppets. The puppeteer will operate an arm rod puppet depiction of Bob Ross on a TV screen complete with a large afro. The other puppet will be Damien. Damien can be either a hand or rod puppet.*
\Voice Actor* - The voice actor will perform behind the scenes and out of sight either hidden backstage or with an amplified microphone. He will primarily provide the voice for Nate off-stage.* If the puppeteer is unable to produce a unique voice for ‘Bob Ross’ and/or Damien, then a separate voice actor will be provided for both puppet characters.
Synopsis:
An autistic American man and his Russian sister-in-law struggle to find methods of coping with their own emotional problems as well as their ability to interpret others’ feelings.
Stage Setting:
The stage will consist of a kitchen Island countertop and cupboards beneath the countertop positioned center stage. Next to the main kitchen on stage left will be another row of ground-level cupboards stashed with food. On either side of these right-hand cupboards is a cheap rack of wire shelves filled with snacks and a garbage can. All of these edibles will be dried goods. Some of these dried goods may consist of Pringles, Lays Potato Chips, Pretzels, Ritz Crackers, Fig Newtons, cookies, pretzels, pasta, nuts, dried fruit, rice, etc. Also, be sure to include these items in as many other cupboards as possible. On the right-hand side of the Island kitchen countertop is a portable television. The television should be made out of cardboard and the open ‘screen’ should be facing the audience at the front.
(Stage lights illuminate the main center stage. Jonah is frantically opening and closing cupboard drawers on the main countertop and left stage cupboards so that he can binge eat. He gets into a box or bag of chips or cookies and begins eating hurriedly. Katya enters from stage right and looks at him in frustration and disbelief.)
KATYA
What in the hell are you doing? I turn my back on you for one second and you start stuffin’ your face with food!
(Jonah freezes mid-motion center stage from taking a bite out of something, his eyes wide open and his whole body stiffens. Katya briskly crosses over to Jonah and snatches the food out of his hand before throwing it away.)
JONAH
(Finally moving in protest) Hey! I was enjoying that! Why can’t I get a bite to eat around here?
KATYA
You already eat too much! Look at this kitchen! Almost every tasty morsel we have in here is in your giant gut! (She points toward his stomach)
JONAH
I have a bad impulse to eat when I’m stressed and I can’t seem to work it out.
KATYA
I don’t get you, Jonah. You have no job, you don’t contribute, all you do is fret around the house all day sometimes overeatin’, and I find myself having to clean up your mess while tending to that miserable brother of yours I call a husband!
JONAH
(A bit calmer) Hey, Katya, you’re an O’Connell now. Sometimes we do things differently in this house. I mean, my bro Nate ain’t perfect, but he sure tries his darndest to be understanding of you. At least, he used to…
KATYA
(As if outraged) Understanding? I caught him flippin’ thru dirty, topless magazines the other day! Do you know how much crap I found in his room? It’s not like he tried to hide it anyway. (Мудак/Mu-dak! I coulda’ made a bonfire out all the magazines I find stashed in his room.
JONAH
Easy there, sis, your face is starting to turn red. Damn, I could cook a hot pocket on it if I wanted to…
KATYA
There you go thinking about food AGAIN! Why does it always have to be about junk food with you? You can’t even eat healthy like me…
(Katya is interrupted by Damien, who is a little boy puppet. He peeks his head from behind the right stage curtain just enough so that the audience cannot see the puppeteer’s hand. Seeing her son, Damien, Katya lowers her voice to calm down but still has a somewhat grumpy tone.)
DAMIEN
Hi mommy.
KATYA
Damien, what is it? You see that I’m havin a chat with your uncle right now?
DAMIEN
I’m sorry. I just wanted to tell you that I finished my homework and was wondering if could play online with my friends.
KATYA
(Annoyed) Sure, go have some fun. Go indulge in some game violence. Oh, and by the way, what’s daddy doing right now? Is he workin’ on his work charts?
DAMIEN
He’s on his computer.
KATYA
Working? Good.
DAMIEN
(Giggling.) Yeah. He’s watching naked people hugging.
KATYA
(Outrage) HE’S WHAT?!
(Katya regains her composure after a couple seconds and addresses Damien in a cooler tone of voice. Jonah shoots her a quizzical look)
KATYA
Sweetie, go along now and play with your friends. I’m going to have a chat with Daddy.
DAMIEN
(Happily) Okay.
(Damien puppet retreats behind the right curtain out of sight.)
JONAH
Katya, please give yourself a chance to cool down…
KATYA
Excuse me, but I have an unfaithful husband to go punish.
(Katya rolls up her sleeve and exits stage right walking briskly again. Her angry voice can be heard echoing offstage with Nate’s. Jonah stands almost motionless with his face cringing as a reaction to the shouting.)
KATYA
Nate!
VOICE ACTONATE
(Nervously) Oh-uh…hi Katya. Just finishing up a project…
KATYA
(Interrupting) Cut the bullshit! I know what you’ve been doin’ in here. Damien saw you and told me a-all about it!
VOICE ACTONATE
Really honey…It’s not quite what you think…
KATYA
What is it with you and your compulsive desire to look at sexy stuff? First magazines, and now internet pornography? I’m a damn good wife! Do I not give you enough pleasure in the bedroom? When you got me through mail order from Russia, you told me I was the hottest woman you ever seen! And now you have to look at this? (Гавно/Gav-no!
VOICE ACTONATE
(Scared) Wait…I can explain!
(A series of comical slap-stick punching and smacking sound effects ensue.)
VOICE ACTONATE
Wait…Ow!what are you?...OW! OW! OW! Sorry…OW! OW!
(Katya re-enters the scene from stage right and returns to center stage to meet up with Jonah. The moment she re-enters Jonah begins ruffling through the cupboards again.)
JONAH
That was so not cool.
KATYA
What is it with you men? With Jonah, it’s food. For Nate, it’s sex! And look at you. You’re stuffing your mouth again like a friggin’ chipmunk!
JONAH
You know what, sis? You’re yelling stresses me out. It makes me want to go into Winnie-The-Pooh mode.
(When he says Winnie-The-Pooh-Mode,
He places a large empty bag of chips or some other snack over his head.)
KATYA
(Shaking her head crossly) Take the bag offa’ your head! You look ridiculous.
(Ignoring her, Jonah hums the classical theme song of Winnie The Pooh. After a few seconds, Katya snatches the bag from his head)
KATYA
(Softer but firm tone of voice) Like I’ve always told you, Jonah, put your energy into something positive. Pull yourself up by the bootstraps and move on from your pitiful problems.
JONAH
(Shrugging.) Easier said than done.
KATYA
You were supposed to be doing research or even flippin’ thru the Television channels to find something that could become a passion of yours – you know? A hobby to keep you occupied from eating and dirtying up my house. Oh yeah, maybe a JOB opportunity, no? Look here!
(Katya turns on the tv dial on the fake cardboard set.
Instead of a screen, there is placard filling in the square gap. Once the tv is ‘switched’ on, the placard is removed to reveal the Bob Ross puppet facing the audience through the large square gap. A small propped-up canvas is next to him. A paintbrush and paint pallet are taped to his hands. The puppeteer should be concealed behind the Island countertop where the TV is resting on the surface. There should be ample room for the puppeteer to operate Bob Ross in the gaping square space known as the TV screen. )
BOB ROSS
(soft-spoken tone) Today I want to start out with some Indian Yellow. Just enough on the two-inch brush…just tap it a little. Now let’s start off with a nice pretty little sunset…
KATYA
(Relieved and Ecstatic) Ah, perfect! (clapping hands together) Educational painting! This should be a perfect distraction for you. When you learned enough, then you can take a brush and start painting.
(Bob Ross’ soft voice trails into the background as the characters continue their dialogue.)
JONAH
(Wistfully) C’mon, Kat. You know I hate painting. BOB ROSS
We’ll just drag a little color across like so. Like that. Like that.
(Bob Ross continues to fake painting)
KATYA
You need to build some character, man. Nate and I have tried showing you cooking, sports, fishing, camping, hiking, golf, sailing, music, piano, ballet, dancing,…what more do you want?
JONAH
(Frankly) I want to be understood.
BOB ROSS
Mix in a little blue there with gentle brush strokes. Such beautiful effects you can make with this here. Such beautiful effects. And remember, there are no mistakes, just happy little accidents.
KATYA
(A bit tense and argumentative) You are understood. I understand that you need some professional help. I understand that you need more guidance. I understand that you need more motivation and thicker skin, but you won’t grow it!
BOB ROSS
Tap a little white into my yellows
And greens there…
KATYA
(In frustration) (Гавно/Gav-no!
(Katya jostles the television out of frustration interrupting Bob Ross’ broadcast. Bob Ross’ painting canvas falls through the TV screen and onto the kitchen floor in front of the audience. Bob Ross looks straight at the audience and maintains his calm voice)
BOB ROSS
(Soft Voice) Oh shit.
(Bob Ross maintains his blank stare at the audience)
JONAH
(Indignant) I happen to have problems coping with stress in a tense environment, especially around you. I have tried. believe me. I’ve been to counselors, therapists, and doctors, and they can only do so much. Right now, I struggle with my own demons, and it’s on me to fix my problems. It pains me to see how you pop off at people when they bring their problems to you. It’s like you try to turn them away.
KATYA
So? People need a good dose of reality sometimes. What do they expect? For me to coddle them?
JONAH
Remember when I was rejected by this one rare autistic woman that I thought was the love of my life? You told me to stop crying, grow up, and move on with my life without finding a source of comfort, relief, or something to help me cope with it all. Or better yet, that time my only friend died, you told me you were sorry to hear that but were just being polite. Nate told me that you shrugged it off like it was nothing.
KATYA
I know you were sad, but there are ways to find new friends. Don’t you know how to make friends?
JONAH
I have autism. It’s hard for me to make friends. Most people look at my behavior and my issues with things like…poor memory, or poor organization skills, or my weird cleaning habits, or the way I walk funny or maybe the fact that I can’t drive. And, and, they think I’m some kind of freak.
KATYA
(Frowning and shaking head) But that’s no excuse. There has to be other people like you. Other unusual people to connect with.
JONAH
Believe me, I’ve tried. Even the special needs guys think I’m a freak because I’m not mentally disabled enough to be like them. Oftentimes, I feel alone and sad and I just want to eat and eat and eat.
KATYA
Well, getting’ fat isn’t gonna’ help anyone, especially you. Why do you have to be so upset about everything?
JONAH
I could ask you the same question. For me, I can’t help it. I have a sensitive heart. I hate seeing people getting hurt, and I hate getting hurt myself.
KATYA
Well shit happens. The world doesn’t owe you nothin.’ Nobody owes Jonah for his sensitivity. Stop lettin’ yourself be so sensitive. It’s like being a crybaby. Do what everyone else does and suck it up!
(Jonah furiously bangs his fist on the countertop and glares at Katya with scathing eyes. The television set teeters over and falls behind the kitchen counter. The puppeteer should pull down the fake set. The Bob Ross puppet flails his arms and yells “HELP!” before he hits the ground.)
JONAH
That’s the last straw! I am so sick and tired of hearing the phrase ‘suck it up!’ ‘You’re going through a divorce? Suck it up. You lost your job and career that you worked so hard to hold all these years? Suck it up and get a new one! Your mom died? Suck it up!’ It’s the same crap I hear day after day since I was five. And you know what? It sickens the hell out of me!
KATYA
(Perplexed) What do you want me to say?
JONAH
(Calming down with a sigh) I don’t want to put words in your mouth. I just wish you could understand me a little more. Back in your old country, did you ever feel like you were singled out? Like, when you felt as though you stood out from everyone else because you did something different and everybody didn’t like you for it?
KATYA
(Looking thoughtful) I don’t recall. Maybe when I was little?
(Katya and Jonah sit together on the center stage floor in front of the Island counter)
JONAH
Times when you were bullied, Katya?
(An awkwardly silent pause for a minute)
KATYA
(Hesitantly) (да)/da. It’s happened. Long time ago, when I was seven, my mom made me wear a summer dress to a social gathering in our town. It was a festival in honor of our founder of the local Oblast region. The hand-made dress was tattered with yellow splotches all over it. The other girls were wearin’ good dresses. Seeing me, they began teasing me and calling me ragdoll cuz I was dressed in rags. I told them to stop, but they kept making fun of me. I had this crush on a boy named Vadim in the neighborhood. I asked him if he could dance with me, and he told me to go get a bath and change my clothes because I looked ugly.
JONAH
That’s horrible. And it saddens me to hear that.
KATYA
(Katya begins to choke up and stutter) The teasing wouldn’t stop. I fought with other girls at school and around town because of that stupid dress. My mom would always look at me when I came home all bloodied and bruised and shake her head, telling me that I was never a lady. When my mom and brother died in a tragic accident when I was fourteen, my friends consoled me the best they could, but most people told me to suck it up. It’s a way of life in my Russian community.
(Jonah places a comforting hand on
Her shoulder.)
JONAH
I can see how it’s always been eating you. Ya know, my parents were pretty ultra-conservative Christians. They didn’t believe in helping me when I felt down, hurt, or bullied by the other kids at my school. They told me to ‘suck it up’ a lot. That’s why it’s a trigger phrase for me. So when they dismissed my emotions, I used to raid the kitchen at night to cope with my hurt, my loneliness, and my stress at school.
KATYA
(A bit surprised) Wow. I didn’t know your parents were that way. These were American parents, huh?
JONAH
Uh-huh. They didn’t care at the time. But today, this is a new America. I try to live in the new and improved America. The new America of today has a growing awareness and respect for all people with special disabilities.
KATYA
You’re right. I’m technically a naturalized citizen here too. And if I want to fit in more, I guess I gotta try and be open-minded to the unusual.
JONAH
When in Rome, do as the Romans do.
KATYA
What about your sensitivity, though, and your inability to find work? Why can’t you find a way to make something happen?
JONAH
It’s really hard to do, considering how my mind works. Many neurotransmitters in my brain don’t connect like your neuro-pathways. The chemical reactions don’t help me make sense of many things, like numbers, music, or planning things out. It just doesn’t work that way. Then there are dopamine receptors that are poorly stimulated. Dopamine is a hormone that gives your brain a rewarding emotion or a sense of accomplishment. In my brain, it’s like it’s been shut off. I can’t take much pleasure with most hobbies because it’s just not wired into my brain. It's why I hate art so much. I wish it were different, but I was born that way and can’t change it.
(Katya gives Jonah a sympathetic glance and an innocent question)
KATYA
Is it really that difficult to manage what’s in your head? I didn’t realize it.
JONAH
Yeah. It’s hard. But I don’t give up either. It’s not like I’m trying to find a convenient excuse for my condition. I want more than anything to have a job. To have friends. To help you guys out. I try to achieve something, but they are mental limitations. They’re harder to see when compared to physical limitations.
KATYA
I know. Instead of forcing my philosophy on you, I ought to work more closely with your limitations instead.
JONAH
Yes, try putting yourself in someone else’s shoes for once. You might be pleasantly surprised.
KATYA
Unfortunately, Russians are not very good at doin’ that.
JONAH
Didn’t you know of anyone that had disabilities back in Ruissa?
KATYA
No. The ones who were badly off were segregated from the rest of us into special schools. They were treated as second class. If you had mental health problems and didn’t look disabled enough but close to normal, you were treated like garbage. How would I know? I have no experience.
JONAH
It’s never too late to learn. There is always room for improvement as human beings. Maybe you didn’t have the awareness at first, but it’s coming.
KATYA
I guess so.
JONAH
By the way, I’m sorry I was a jackass by not listening to you while binge eating.
KATYA
(Smiles) Ah, forget it. Like you said. There’s always room for improvement. We all have ways of coping. My way is bottling up my feelings until they explode. Your way is to pork out on food, Nate’s way is to watch pornography. Hey, why do you think my sweetheart Nate is coping with his feelings using X-rated stuff?
JONAH
Well, do you show him understanding when he’s in distress? Do you show him other forms of affection around the house besides sex?
KATYA
(Troubled Expression) Well, now that I think about it, no, I don’t listen to him very well and I don’t empathize with him when he’s upset most times. He’s upset right now over having his dream job application rejected. He also went through a botched tonsil surgery that causes him occasional pain as you know.
JONAH
There you go. Give Nate a hug and a kiss, sit down with him, and comfort him a little. Don’t nurse-maid him, but show a little understanding. It will go a long way. Try acknowledging him more throughout the day. Do this, and I can guarantee you the X-rated material will go away!
(Katya gives Jonah a big hug before he helps her up off the floor. Both characters are now in a standing position.)
KATYA
Thank you.
JONAH
Don’t mention it.
KATYA
Have you ever tried yoga? It’s great for mind, body, and health! I’ve heard that It can help with eating disorders too. Oh, and tai chi.
JONAH
You know what? I will definitely give it a try!
KATYA
Great. And this time, I’ll do it with you so that you will feel more comfortable. There will be plenty of positive and kind encouragement coming from me during yoga lessons.
(Damien’s puppet body partially comes through stage right and interrupts Katya.)
DAMIEN
(Nervously) Mommy. Daddy is watching naked people play choo-choo train on his phone.
(Damien exits same direction
By pulling out of view again.)
KATYA
(Smiling) Please excuse me while I go kiss my husband.
(Katya exits stage right with a
Casual walk.)
DAMIEN’S DISTANT VOICE
Are they really playing choo-choo?
JONAH
(Shrugging at audience) Kids. They say the darndest things.
(Lights fade out.)

NARRATOR: (Black screen with text; The sound of buzzing bees can be heard) According to all known laws of aviation, : there is no way a bee should be able to fly. : Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. : The bee, of course, flies anyway : because bees don't care what humans think is impossible. BARRY BENSON: (Barry is picking out a shirt) Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. : Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little. JANET BENSON: Barry! Breakfast is ready! BARRY: Coming! : Hang on a second. (Barry uses his antenna like a phone) : Hello? ADAM FLAYMAN:
(Through phone) - Barry? BARRY: - Adam? ADAM: - Can you believe this is happening? BARRY: - I can't. I'll pick you up. (Barry flies down the stairs) : MARTIN BENSON: Looking sharp. JANET: Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those. BARRY: Sorry. I'm excited. MARTIN: Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son. : A perfect report card, all B's. JANET: Very proud. (Rubs Barry's hair) BARRY= Ma! I got a thing going here. JANET: - You got lint on your fuzz. BARRY: - Ow! That's me!
JANET: - Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000. - Bye! (Barry flies out the door) JANET: Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house! (Barry drives through the hive,and is waved at by Adam who is reading a newspaper) BARRY== - Hey, Adam. ADAM: - Hey, Barry. (Adam gets in Barry's car) : - Is that fuzz gel? BARRY: - A little. Special day, graduation. ADAM: Never thought I'd make it. (Barry pulls away from the house and continues driving) BARRY: Three days grade school, three days high school... ADAM: Those were awkward. BARRY: Three days college. I'm glad I took a day and hitchhiked around the hive. ADAM== You did come back different. (Barry and Adam pass by Artie, who is jogging) ARTIE: - Hi, Barry!
BARRY: - Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good. ADAM: - Hear about Frankie? BARRY: - Yeah. ADAM== - You going to the funeral? BARRY: - No, I'm not going to his funeral. : Everybody knows, sting someone, you die. : Don't waste it on a squirrel. Such a hothead. ADAM: I guess he could have just gotten out of the way. (The car does a barrel roll on the loop-shaped bridge and lands on the highway) : I love this incorporating an amusement park into our regular day. BARRY: I guess that's why they say we don't need vacations. (Barry parallel parks the car and together they fly over the graduating students) Boy, quite a bit of pomp... under the circumstances. (Barry and Adam sit down and put on their hats) : - Well, Adam, today we are men.
ADAM: - We are! BARRY= - Bee-men. =ADAM= - Amen! BARRY AND ADAM: Hallelujah! (Barry and Adam both have a happy spasm) ANNOUNCER: Students, faculty, distinguished bees, : please welcome Dean Buzzwell. DEAN BUZZWELL: Welcome, New Hive Oity graduating class of... : ...9: : That concludes our ceremonies. : And begins your career at Honex Industries! ADAM: Will we pick our job today? (Adam and Barry get into a tour bus) BARRY= I heard it's just orientation. (Tour buses rise out of the ground and the students are automatically loaded into the buses) TOUR GUIDE: Heads up! Here we go.
ANNOUNCER: Keep your hands and antennas inside the tram at all times. BARRY: - Wonder what it'll be like? ADAM: - A little scary. TOUR GUIDE== Welcome to Honex, a division of Honesco : and a part of the Hexagon Group. Barry: This is it! BARRY AND ADAM: Wow. BARRY: Wow. (The bus drives down a road an on either side are the Bee's massive complicated Honey-making machines) TOUR GUIDE: We know that you, as a bee, have worked your whole life : to get to the point where you can work for your whole life. : Honey begins when our valiant Pollen Jocks bring the nectar to the hive. : Our top-secret formula : is automatically color-corrected,
scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured : into this soothing sweet syrup : with its distinctive golden glow you know as... EVERYONE ON BUS: Honey! (The guide has been collecting honey into a bottle and she throws it into the crowd on the bus and it is caught by a girl in the back) ADAM: - That girl was hot. BARRY: - She's my cousin! ADAM== - She is? BARRY: - Yes, we're all cousins. ADAM: - Right. You're right. TOUR GUIDE: - At Honex, we constantly strive : to improve every aspect of bee existence. : These bees are stress-testing a new helmet technology. (The bus passes by a Bee wearing a helmet who is being smashed into the ground with fly-swatters, newspapers and boots. He lifts a thumbs up but you can hear him groan) : ADAM==

• What do you think he makes? BARRY:
• Not enough. TOUR GUIDE: Here we have our latest advancement, the Krelman. (They pass by a turning wheel with Bees standing on pegs, who are each wearing a finger-shaped hat) Barry:
• Wow, What does that do? TOUR GUIDE:
• Catches that little strand of honey : that hangs after you pour it. Saves us millions. ADAM: (Intrigued) Can anyone work on the Krelman? TOUR GUIDE: Of course. Most bee jobs are small ones. But bees know that every small job, if it's done well, means a lot. : But choose carefully : because you'll stay in the job you pick for the rest of your life. (Everyone claps except for Barry) BARRY: The same job the rest of your life? I didn't know that. ADAM:

What's the difference? TOUR GUIDE: You'll be happy to know that bees, as a species, haven't had one day off : in 27 million years. BARRY: (Upset) So you'll just work us to death? : We'll sure try. (Everyone on the bus laughs except Barry. Barry and Adam are walking back home together) ADAM: Wow! That blew my mind! BARRY: "What's the difference?" How can you say that? : One job forever? That's an insane choice to have to make. ADAM: I'm relieved. Now we only have to make one decision in life. BARRY: But, Adam, how could they never have told us that? ADAM: Why would you question anything? We're bees. : We're the most perfectly functioning society on Earth.
BARRY: You ever think maybe things work a little too well here? ADAM: Like what? Give me one example. (Barry and Adam stop walking and it is revealed to the audience that hundreds of cars are speeding by and narrowly missing them in perfect unison) BARRY: I don't know. But you know what I'm talking about. ANNOUNCER: Please clear the gate. Royal Nectar Force on approach. BARRY: Wait a second. Check it out. (The Pollen jocks fly in, circle around and landing in line) : - Hey, those are Pollen Jocks! ADAM: - Wow. : I've never seen them this close. BARRY: They know what it's like outside the hive. ADAM: Yeah, but some don't come back. GIRL BEES: - Hey, Jocks! - Hi, Jocks! (The Pollen Jocks hook up their backpacks to machines that pump the nectar to trucks, which drive away)
LOU LO DUVA: You guys did great! : You're monsters! You're sky freaks! I love it! (Punching the Pollen Jocks in joy) I love it! ADAM: - I wonder where they were. BARRY: - I don't know. : Their day's not planned. : Outside the hive, flying who knows where, doing who knows what. : You can't just decide to be a Pollen Jock. You have to be bred for that. ADAM== Right. (Barry and Adam are covered in some pollen that floated off of the Pollen Jocks) BARRY: Look at that. That's more pollen than you and I will see in a lifetime. ADAM: It's just a status symbol. Bees make too much of it. BARRY: Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it and the ladies see you wearing it. (Barry waves at 2 girls standing a little away from them)
ADAM== Those ladies? Aren't they our cousins too? BARRY: Distant. Distant. POLLEN JOCK #1: Look at these two. POLLEN JOCK #2: - Couple of Hive Harrys. POLLEN JOCK #1: - Let's have fun with them. GIRL BEE #1: It must be dangerous being a Pollen Jock. BARRY: Yeah. Once a bear pinned me against a mushroom! : He had a paw on my throat, and with the other, he was slapping me! (Slaps Adam with his hand to represent his scenario) GIRL BEE #2: - Oh, my! BARRY: - I never thought I'd knock him out. GIRL BEE #1: (Looking at Adam) What were you doing during this? ADAM: Obviously I was trying to alert the authorities. BARRY: I can autograph that.
(The pollen jocks walk up to Barry and Adam, they pretend that Barry and Adam really are pollen jocks.) POLLEN JOCK #1: A little gusty out there today, wasn't it, comrades? BARRY: Yeah. Gusty. POLLEN JOCK #1: We're hitting a sunflower patch six miles from here tomorrow. BARRY: - Six miles, huh? ADAM: - Barry! POLLEN JOCK #2: A puddle jump for us, but maybe you're not up for it. BARRY: - Maybe I am. ADAM: - You are not! POLLEN JOCK #1: We're going 0900 at J-Gate. : What do you think, buzzy-boy? Are you bee enough? BARRY: I might be. It all depends on what 0900 means. (The scene cuts to Barry looking out on the hive-city from his balcony at night) MARTIN:
Hey, Honex! BARRY: Dad, you surprised me. MARTIN: You decide what you're interested in? BARRY: - Well, there's a lot of choices. - But you only get one. : Do you ever get bored doing the same job every day? MARTIN: Son, let me tell you about stirring. : You grab that stick, and you just move it around, and you stir it around. : You get yourself into a rhythm. It's a beautiful thing. BARRY: You know, Dad, the more I think about it, : maybe the honey field just isn't right for me. MARTIN: You were thinking of what, making balloon animals? : That's a bad job for a guy with a stinger. :
Janet, your son's not sure he wants to go into honey! JANET: - Barry, you are so funny sometimes. BARRY: - I'm not trying to be funny. MARTIN: You're not funny! You're going into honey. Our son, the stirrer! JANET: - You're gonna be a stirrer? BARRY: - No one's listening to me! MARTIN: Wait till you see the sticks I have. BARRY: I could say anything right now. I'm gonna get an ant tattoo! (Barry's parents don't listen to him and continue to ramble on) MARTIN: Let's open some honey and celebrate! BARRY: Maybe I'll pierce my thorax. Shave my antennae. : Shack up with a grasshopper. Get a gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"! JANET: I'm so proud. (The scene cuts to Barry and Adam waiting in line to get a job) ADAM: - We're starting work today!
BARRY: - Today's the day. ADAM: Come on! All the good jobs will be gone. BARRY: Yeah, right. JOB LISTER: Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring, stirrer, front desk, hair removal... BEE IN FRONT OF LINE: - Is it still available? JOB LISTER: - Hang on. Two left! : One of them's yours! Congratulations! Step to the side. ADAM: - What'd you get? BEE IN FRONT OF LINE: - Picking crud out. Stellar! (He walks away) ADAM: Wow! JOB LISTER: Couple of newbies? ADAM: Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready! JOB LISTER: Make your choice. (Adam and Barry look up at the job board. There are hundreds of constantly changing panels that contain available or unavailable jobs. It looks very confusing)
ADAM: - You want to go first? BARRY: - No, you go. ADAM: Oh, my. What's available? JOB LISTER: Restroom attendant's open, not for the reason you think. ADAM: - Any chance of getting the Krelman? JOB LISTER: - Sure, you're on. (Puts the Krelman finger-hat on Adam's head) (Suddenly the sign for Krelman closes out) : I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out. (Takes Adam's hat off) Wax monkey's always open. ADAM: The Krelman opened up again. : What happened? JOB LISTER: A bee died. Makes an opening. See? He's dead. Another dead one. : Deady. Deadified. Two more dead. : Dead from the neck up. Dead from the neck down. That's life!
ADAM: Oh, this is so hard! (Barry remembers what the Pollen Jock offered him and he flies off) Heating, cooling, stunt bee, pourer, stirrer, : humming, inspector number seven, lint coordinator, stripe supervisor, : mite wrangler. Barry, what do you think I should... Barry? (Adam turns around and sees Barry flying away) : Barry! POLLEN JOCK: All right, we've got the sunflower patch in quadrant nine... ADAM: (Through phone) What happened to you? Where are you? BARRY: - I'm going out. ADAM: - Out? Out where? BARRY: - Out there. ADAM: - Oh, no! BARRY: I have to, before I go to work for the rest of my life. ADAM:
You're gonna die! You're crazy! (Barry hangs up) Hello? POLLEN JOCK #2: Another call coming in. : If anyone's feeling brave, there's a Korean deli on 83rd : that gets their roses today. BARRY: Hey, guys. POLLEN JOCK #1 == - Look at that. POLLEN JOCK #2: - Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday? LOU LO DUVA: Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted. POLLEN JOCK #1: It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up. (Puts hand on Barry's shoulder) LOU LO DUVA: (To Barry) Really? Feeling lucky, are you? BEE WITH CLIPBOARD: (To Barry) Sign here, here. Just initial that. : - Thank you. LOU LO DUVA: - OK. : You got a rain advisory today, :
and as you all know, bees cannot fly in rain. : So be careful. As always, watch your brooms, : hockey sticks, dogs, birds, bears and bats. : Also, I got a couple of reports of root beer being poured on us. : Murphy's in a home because of it, babbling like a cicada! BARRY: - That's awful. LOU LO DUVA: (Still talking through megaphone) - And a reminder for you rookies, : bee law number one, absolutely no talking to humans! : All right, launch positions! POLLEN JOCKS: (The Pollen Jocks run into formation) : Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! LOU LU DUVA: Black and yellow! POLLEN JOCKS:
Hello! POLLEN JOCK #1: (To Barry)You ready for this, hot shot? BARRY: Yeah. Yeah, bring it on. POLLEN JOCK's: Wind, check. : - Antennae, check. - Nectar pack, check. : - Wings, check. - Stinger, check. BARRY: Scared out of my shorts, check. LOU LO DUVA: OK, ladies, : let's move it out! : Pound those petunias, you striped stem-suckers! : All of you, drain those flowers! (The pollen jocks fly out of the hive) BARRY: Wow! I'm out! : I can't believe I'm out! : So blue.
: I feel so fast and free! : Box kite! (Barry flies through the kite) : Wow! : Flowers! (A pollen jock puts on some high tech goggles that shows flowers similar to heat sink goggles.) POLLEN JOCK: This is Blue Leader. We have roses visual. : Bring it around 30 degrees and hold. : Roses! POLLEN JOCK #1: 30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around. : Stand to the side, kid. It's got a bit of a kick. (The pollen jock fires a high-tech gun at the flower, shooting tubes that suck up the nectar from the flower and collects it into a pouch on the gun) BARRY: That is one nectar collector! POLLEN JOCK #1== - Ever see pollination up close? BARRY: - No, sir. POLLEN JOCK #1:
(Barry and the Pollen jock fly over the field, the pollen jock sprinkles pollen as he goes) : I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it over here. Maybe a dash over there, : a pinch on that one. See that? It's a little bit of magic. BARRY: That's amazing. Why do we do that? POLLEN JOCK #1: That's pollen power. More pollen, more flowers, more nectar, more honey for us. BARRY: Cool. POLLEN JOCK #1: I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow. could be daisies. Don't we need those? POLLEN JOCK #2: Copy that visual. : Wait. One of these flowers seems to be on the move. POLLEN JOCK #1: Say again? You're reporting a moving flower? POLLEN JOCK #2: Affirmative. (The Pollen jocks land near the "flowers" which, to the audience are obviously just tennis balls) KEN: (In the distance) That was on the line!
POLLEN JOCK #1: This is the coolest. What is it? POLLEN JOCK #2: I don't know, but I'm loving this color. : It smells good. Not like a flower, but I like it. POLLEN JOCK #1: Yeah, fuzzy. (Sticks his hand on the ball but it gets stuck) POLLEN JOCK #3== Chemical-y. (The pollen jock finally gets his hand free from the tennis ball) POLLEN JOCK #1: Careful, guys. It's a little grabby. (The pollen jocks turn around and see Barry lying his entire body on top of one of the tennis balls) POLLEN JOCK #2: My sweet lord of bees! POLLEN JOCK #3: Candy-brain, get off there! POLLEN JOCK #1: (Pointing upwards) Problem! (A human hand reaches down and grabs the tennis ball that Barry is stuck to) BARRY: - Guys! POLLEN JOCK #2: - This could be bad. POLLEN JOCK #3: Affirmative. (Vanessa Bloome starts bouncing the tennis ball, not knowing Barry is stick to it)
BARRY== Very close. : Gonna hurt. : Mama's little boy. (Barry is being hit back and forth by two humans playing tennis. He is still stuck to the ball) POLLEN JOCK #1: You are way out of position, rookie! KEN: Coming in at you like a MISSILE! (Barry flies past the pollen jocks, still stuck to the ball) BARRY: (In slow motion) Help me! POLLEN JOCK #2: I don't think these are flowers. POLLEN JOCK #3: - Should we tell him? POLLEN JOCK #1: - I think he knows. BARRY: What is this?! KEN: Match point! : You can start packing up, honey, because you're about to EAT IT! (A pollen jock coughs which confused Ken and he hits the ball the wrong way with Barry stuck to it and it goes flying into the city) BARRY:
Yowser! (Barry bounces around town and gets stuck in the engine of a car. He flies into the air conditioner and sees a bug that was frozen in there) BARRY: Ew, gross. (The man driving the car turns on the air conditioner which blows Barry into the car) GIRL IN CAR: There's a bee in the car! : - Do something! DAD DRIVING CAR: - I'm driving! BABY GIRL: (Waving at Barry) - Hi, bee. (Barry smiles and waves at the baby girl) GUY IN BACK OF CAR: - He's back here! : He's going to sting me! GIRL IN CAR: Nobody move. If you don't move, he won't sting you. Freeze! (Barry freezes as well, hovering in the middle of the car) : GRANDMA IN CAR== He blinked! (The grandma whips out some bee-spray and sprays everywhere in the car, climbing into the front seat, still trying to spray Barry) GIRL IN CAR: Spray him, Granny! DAD DRIVING THE CAR: What are you doing?! (Barry escapes the car through the air conditioner and is flying high above
the ground, safe.) BARRY: Wow... the tension level out here is unbelievable. (Barry sees that storm clouds are gathering and he can see rain clouds moving into this direction) : I gotta get home. : Can't fly in rain. : Can't fly in rain. (A rain drop hits Barry and one of his wings is damaged) : Can't fly in rain. (A second rain drop hits Barry again and he spirals downwards) Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down! (WW2 plane sound effects are played as he plummets, and he crash-lands on a plant inside an apartment near the window) VANESSA BLOOME: Ken, could you close the window please? KEN== Hey, check out my new resume. I made it into a fold-out brochure. : You see? (Folds brochure resume out) Folds out. (Ken closes the window, trapping Barry inside) BARRY: Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this. (Barry tries to fly away but smashes into the window and falls again) : What was that?
(Barry keeps trying to fly out the window but he keeps being knocked back because the window is closed) Maybe this time. This time. This time. This time! This time! This... : Drapes! (Barry taps the glass. He doesn't understand what it is) That is diabolical. KEN: It's fantastic. It's got all my special skills, even my top-ten favorite movies. ANDY: What's number one? Star Wars? KEN: Nah, I don't go for that... (Ken makes finger guns and makes "pew pew pew" sounds and then stops) : ...kind of stuff. BARRY: No wonder we shouldn't talk to them. They're out of their minds. KEN: When I leave a job interview, they're flabbergasted, can't believe what I say. BARRY: (Looking at the light on the ceiling) There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out. (Starts flying towards the lightbulb) : I don't remember the sun having a big 75 on it. (Barry hits the lightbulb and falls into the dip on the table that the humans are sitting at) KEN:
I predicted global warming. : I could feel it getting hotter. At first I thought it was just me. (Andy dips a chip into the bowl and scoops up some dip with Barry on it and is about to put it in his mouth) : Wait! Stop! Bee! (Andy drops the chip with Barry in fear and backs away. All the humans freak out) : Stand back. These are winter boots. (Ken has winter boots on his hands and he is about to smash the bee but Vanessa saves him last second) VANESSA: Wait! : Don't kill him! (Vanessa puts Barry in a glass to protect him) KEN: You know I'm allergic to them! This thing could kill me! VANESSA: Why does his life have less value than yours? KEN: Why does his life have any less value than mine? Is that your statement? VANESSA: I'm just saying all life has value. You don't know what he's capable of feeling. (Vanessa picks up Ken's brochure and puts it under the glass so she can carry Barry back to the window. Barry looks at Vanessa in amazement) KEN:
My brochure! VANESSA: There you go, little guy. (Vanessa opens the window and lets Barry out but Barry stays back and is still shocked that a human saved his life) KEN: I'm not scared of him. It's an allergic thing. VANESSA: Put that on your resume brochure. KEN: My whole face could puff up. ANDY: Make it one of your special skills. KEN: Knocking someone out is also a special skill. (Ken walks to the door) Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks. : - Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night? VANESSA: - Sure, Ken. You know, whatever. : (Vanessa tries to close door) KEN== - You could put carob chips on there. VANESSA: - Bye. (Closes door but Ken opens it again) KEN: - Supposed to be less calories.
VANESSA: - Bye. (Closes door) (Fast forward to the next day, Barry is still inside the house. He flies into the kitchen where Vanessa is doing dishes) BARRY== (Talking to himself) I gotta say something. : She saved my life. I gotta say something. : All right, here it goes. (Turns back) Nah. : What would I say? : I could really get in trouble. : It's a bee law. You're not supposed to talk to a human. : I can't believe I'm doing this. : I've got to. (Barry disguises himself as a character on a food can as Vanessa walks by again) : Oh, I can't do it. Come on! : No. Yes. No. : Do it. I can't.
: How should I start it? (Barry strikes a pose and wiggles his eyebrows) "You like jazz?" No, that's no good. (Vanessa is about to walk past Barry) Here she comes! Speak, you fool! : ...Hi! (Vanessa gasps and drops the dishes in fright and notices Barry on the counter) : I'm sorry. VANESSA: - You're talking. BARRY: - Yes, I know. VANESSA: (Pointing at Barry) You're talking! BARRY: I'm so sorry. VANESSA: No, it's OK. It's fine. I know I'm dreaming. : But I don't recall going to bed. BARRY: Well, I'm sure this is very disconcerting. VANESSA: This is a bit of a surprise to me. I mean, you're a bee!
BARRY: I am. And I'm not supposed to be doing this, (Pointing to the living room where Ken tried to kill him last night) but they were all trying to kill me. : And if it wasn't for you... : I had to thank you. It's just how I was raised. (Vanessa stabs her hand with a fork to test whether she's dreaming or not) : That was a little weird. VANESSA: - I'm talking with a bee. BARRY: - Yeah. VANESSA: I'm talking to a bee. And the bee is talking to me! BARRY: I just want to say I'm grateful. I'll leave now. (Barry turns to leave) VANESSA: - Wait! How did you learn to do that? BARRY: (Flying back) - What? VANESSA: The talking...thing. BARRY:
Same way you did, I guess. "Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up. VANESSA: - That's very funny. BARRY: - Yeah. : Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh, we'd cry with what we have to deal with. : Anyway... VANESSA: Can I... : ...get you something? BARRY: - Like what? VANESSA: I don't know. I mean... I don't know. Coffee? BARRY: I don't want to put you out. VANESSA: It's no trouble. It takes two minutes. : - It's just coffee. BARRY: - I hate to impose. (Vanessa starts making coffee) VANESSA: - Don't be ridiculous!
BARRY: - Actually, I would love a cup. VANESSA: Hey, you want rum cake? BARRY: - I shouldn't. VANESSA: - Have some. BARRY: - No, I can't. VANESSA: - Come on! BARRY: I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms. VANESSA: - Where? BARRY: - These stripes don't help. VANESSA: You look great! BARRY: I don't know if you know anything about fashion. : Are you all right? VANESSA: (Pouring coffee on the floor and missing the cup completely) No. (Flash forward in time. Barry and Vanessa are sitting together at a table on top of the apartment building drinking coffee)
: BARRY== He's making the tie in the cab as they're flying up Madison. : He finally gets there. : He runs up the steps into the church. The wedding is on. : And he says, "Watermelon? I thought you said Guatemalan. : Why would I marry a watermelon?" (Barry laughs but Vanessa looks confused) VANESSA: Is that a bee joke? BARRY: That's the kind of stuff we do. VANESSA: Yeah, different. : So, what are you gonna do, Barry? (Barry stands on top of a sugar cube floating in his coffee and paddles it around with a straw like it's a gondola) BARRY: About work? I don't know. : I want to do my part for the hive, but I can't do it the way they want. VANESSA: I know how you feel.
BARRY: - You do? VANESSA: - Sure. : My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist. BARRY: - Really? VANESSA: - My only interest is flowers. BARRY: Our new queen was just elected with that same campaign slogan. : Anyway, if you look... (Barry points to a tree in the middle of Central Park) : There's my hive right there. See it? VANESSA: You're in Sheep Meadow! BARRY: Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond! VANESSA: No way! I know that area. I lost a toe ring there once. BARRY: - Why do girls put rings on their toes? VANESSA: - Why not? BARRY:

• It's like putting a hat on your knee. VANESSA:
• Maybe I'll try that. (A custodian installing a lightbulb looks over at them but to his perspective it looks like Vanessa is talking to a cup of coffee on the table) CUSTODIAN:
• You all right, ma'am? VANESSA:
• Oh, yeah. Fine. : Just having two cups of coffee! BARRY: Anyway, this has been great. Thanks for the coffee. VANESSA== Yeah, it's no trouble. BARRY: Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did, I'd be up the rest of my life. (Barry points towards the rum cake) : Can I take a piece of this with me? VANESSA: Sure! Here, have a crumb. (Vanessa hands Barry a crumb but it is still pretty big for Barry) BARRY:
• Thanks! VANESSA:
• Yeah. BARRY: All right. Well, then... I guess I'll see you around.
  : Or not. VANESSA: OK, Barry... BARRY: And thank you so much again... for before. VANESSA: Oh, that? That was nothing. BARRY: Well, not nothing, but... Anyway... (Vanessa and Barry hold hands, but Vanessa has to hold out a finger because her hands is to big and Barry holds that) (The custodian looks over again and it appears Vanessa is laughing at her coffee again. The lightbulb that he was screwing in sparks and he falls off the ladder) (Fast forward in time and we see two Bee Scientists testing out a parachute in a Honex wind tunnel) BEE SCIENTIST #1: This can't possibly work. BEE SCIENTIST #2: He's all set to go. We may as well try it. : OK, Dave, pull the chute. (Dave pulls the chute and the wind slams him against the wall and he falls on his face.The camera pans over and we see Barry and Adam walking together) ADAM:
  
• Sounds amazing. BARRY:
  
• It was amazing! : It was the scariest, happiest moment of my life.
  

ADAM: Humans! I can't believe you were with humans! : Giant, scary humans! What were they like? BARRY: Huge and crazy. They talk crazy. : They eat crazy giant things. They drive crazy. ADAM: - Do they try and kill you, like on TV? BARRY: - Some of them. But some of them don't. ADAM: - How'd you get back? BARRY: - Poodle. ADAM: You did it, and I'm glad. You saw whatever you wanted to see. : You had your "experience." Now you can pick out your job and be normal. BARRY: - Well... ADAM: - Well? BARRY: Well, I met someone.
ADAM: You did? Was she Bee-ish? : - A wasp?! Your parents will kill you! BARRY: - No, no, no, not a wasp. ADAM: - Spider? BARRY: - I'm not attracted to spiders. : I know, for everyone else, it's the hottest thing, with the eight legs and all. : I can't get by that face. ADAM: So who is she? BARRY: She's... human. ADAM: No, no. That's a bee law. You wouldn't break a bee law. BARRY: - Her name's Vanessa. (Adam puts his head in his hands) ADAM: - Oh, boy. BARRY== She's so nice. And she's a florist! ADAM: Oh, no! You're dating a human florist!
BARRY: We're not dating. ADAM: You're flying outside the hive, talking to humans that attack our homes : with power washers and M-80s! That's one-eighth a stick of dynamite! BARRY: She saved my life! And she understands me. ADAM: This is over! BARRY: Eat this. (Barry gives Adam a piece of the crumb that he got from Vanessa. Adam eats it) ADAM: (Adam's tone changes) This is not over! What was that? BARRY: - They call it a crumb. ADAM: - It was so stingin' stripey! BARRY: And that's not what they eat. That's what falls off what they eat! : - You know what a Cinnabon is? ADAM: - No. (Adam opens a door behind him and he pulls Barry in)
BARRY: It's bread and cinnamon and frosting. ADAM: Be quiet! BARRY: They heat it up... ADAM: Sit down! (Adam forces Barry to sit down) BARRY: (Still rambling about Cinnabons) ...really hot! (Adam grabs Barry by the shoulders) ADAM: - Listen to me! : We are not them! We're us. There's us and there's them! BARRY== Yes, but who can deny the heart that is yearning? ADAM: There's no yearning. Stop yearning. Listen to me! : You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. Thinking bee! BARRY: - Thinking bee. WORKER BEE: - Thinking bee. WORKER BEES AND ADAM: Thinking bee! Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee! (Flash forward in time; Barry is laying on a raft in a pool full of honey. He is wearing sunglasses) JANET: There he is. He's in the pool. MARTIN: You know what your problem is, Barry? (Barry pulls down his sunglasses and he looks annoyed) BARRY: (Sarcastic) I gotta start thinking bee? JANET: How much longer will this go on? MARTIN: It's been three days! Why aren't you working? (Puts sunglasses back on) BARRY: I've got a lot of big life decisions to think about. MARTIN: What life? You have no life! You have no job. You're barely a bee! JANET: Would it kill you to make a little honey? (Barry rolls off the raft and sinks into the honey pool) : Barry, come out. Your father's talking to you. : Martin, would you talk to him? MARTIN:
Barry, I'm talking to you! (Barry keeps sinking into the honey until he is suddenly in Central Park having a picnic with Vanessa) (Barry has a cup of honey and he clinks his glass with Vanessas. Suddenly a mosquito lands on Vanessa and she slaps it, killing it. They both gasp but then burst out laughing) VANESSA: You coming? (The camera pans over and Vanessa is climbing into a small yellow airplane) BARRY: Got everything? VANESSA: All set! BARRY: Go ahead. I'll catch up. (Vanessa lifts off and flies ahead) VANESSA: Don't be too long. (Barry catches up with Vanessa and he sticks out his arms like ana irplane. He rolls from side to side, and Vanessa copies him with the airplane) VANESSA: Watch this! (Barry stays back and watches as Vanessa draws a heart in the air using pink smoke from the plane, but on the last loop-the-loop she suddenly crashes into a mountain and the plane explodes. The destroyed plane falls into some rocks and explodes a second time) BARRY: Vanessa! (As Barry is yelling his mouth fills with honey and he wakes up, discovering that he was just day dreaming. He slowly sinks back into the honey pool) MARTIN: - We're still here.
JANET: - I told you not to yell at him. : He doesn't respond to yelling! MARTIN: - Then why yell at me? JANET: - Because you don't listen! MARTIN: I'm not listening to this. BARRY: Sorry, I've gotta go. MARTIN: - Where are you going? BARRY: - I'm meeting a friend. JANET: A girl? Is this why you can't decide? BARRY: Bye. (Barry flies out the door and Martin shakes his head) : JANET== I just hope she's Bee-ish. (Fast forward in time and Barry is sitting on Vanessa's shoulder and she is closing up her shop) BARRY: They have a huge parade of flowers every year in Pasadena? VANESSA: To be in the Tournament of Roses, that's every florist's dream!
: Up on a float, surrounded by flowers, crowds cheering. BARRY: A tournament. Do the roses compete in athletic events? VANESSA: No. All right, I've got one. How come you don't fly everywhere? BARRY: It's exhausting. Why don't you run everywhere? It's faster. VANESSA: Yeah, OK, I see, I see. All right, your turn. BARRY: TiVo. You can just freeze live TV? That's insane! VANESSA: You don't have that? BARRY: We have Hivo, but it's a disease. It's a horrible, horrible disease. VANESSA: Oh, my. (A human walks by and Barry narrowly avoids him) PASSERBY: Dumb bees! VANESSA: You must want to sting all those jerks. BARRY: We try not to sting.
It's usually fatal for us. VANESSA: So you have to watch your temper (They walk into a store) BARRY: Very carefully. You kick a wall, take a walk, : write an angry letter and throw it out. Work through it like any emotion: : Anger, jealousy, lust. (Suddenly an employee(Hector) hits Barry off of Vanessa's shoulder. Hector thinks he's saving Vanessa) VANESSA: (To Barry) Oh, my goodness! Are you OK? (Barry is getting up off the floor) BARRY: Yeah. VANESSA: (To Hector) - What is wrong with you?! HECTOR: (Confused) - It's a bug. VANESSA: He's not bothering anybody. Get out of here, you creep! (Vanessa hits Hector across the face with the magazine he had and then hits him in the head. Hector backs away covering his head) Barry: What was that? A Pic 'N' Save circular? (Vanessa sets Barry back on her shoulder)
VANESSA: Yeah, it was. How did you know? BARRY: It felt like about 10 pages. Seventy-five is pretty much our limit. VANESSA: You've really got that down to a science. BARRY: - Oh, we have to. I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue. VANESSA: - I'll bet. (Barry looks to his right and notices there is honey for sale in the aisle) BARRY: What in the name of Mighty Hercules is this? (Barry looks at all the brands of honey, shocked) How did this get here? Cute Bee, Golden Blossom, : Ray Liotta Private Select? (Barry puts his hands up and slowly turns around, a look of disgust on his face) VANESSA: - Is he that actor? BARRY: - I never heard of him. : - Why is this here? VANESSA: - For people. We eat it. BARRY:
You don't have enough food of your own?! (Hector looks back and notices that Vanessa is talking to Barry) VANESSA: - Well, yes. BARRY: - How do you get it? VANESSA: - Bees make it. BARRY: - I know who makes it! : And it's hard to make it! : There's heating, cooling, stirring. You need a whole Krelman thing! VANESSA: - It's organic. BARRY: - It's our-ganic! VANESSA: It's just honey, Barry. BARRY: Just what?! : Bees don't know about this! This is stealing! A lot of stealing! : You've taken our homes, schools, hospitals! This is all we have! :
And it's on sale?! I'm getting to the bottom of this. : I'm getting to the bottom of all of this! (Flash forward in time; Barry paints his face with black strikes like a soldier and sneaks into the storage section of the store) (Two men, including Hector, are loading boxes into some trucks) : SUPERMARKET EMPLOYEE== Hey, Hector. : - You almost done? HECTOR: - Almost. (Barry takes a step to peak around the corner) (Whispering) He is here. I sense it. : Well, I guess I'll go home now (Hector pretends to walk away by walking in place and speaking loudly) : and just leave this nice honey out, with no one around. BARRY: You're busted, box boy! HECTOR: I knew I heard something! So you can talk! BARRY: I can talk. And now you'll start talking! : Where you getting the sweet stuff?
Who's your supplier? HECTOR: I don't understand. I thought we were friends. : The last thing we want to do is upset bees! (Hector takes a thumbtack out of the board behind him and sword-fights Barry. Barry is using his stinger like a sword) : You're too late! It's ours now! BARRY: You, sir, have crossed the wrong sword! HECTOR: You, sir, will be lunch for my iguana, Ignacio! (Barry hits the thumbtack out of Hectors hand and Hector surrenders) Barry: Where is the honey coming from? : Tell me where! HECTOR: (Pointing to leaving truck) Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms! (Barry chases after the truck but it is getting away. He flies onto a bicyclists' backpack and he catches up to the truck) CAR DRIVER: (To bicyclist) Crazy person! (Barry flies off and lands on the windshield of the Honey farms truck. Barry looks around and sees dead bugs splattered everywhere) BARRY: What horrible thing has happened here?
: These faces, they never knew what hit them. And now : they're on the road to nowhere! (Barry hears a sudden whisper) (Barry looks up and sees Mooseblood, a mosquito playing dead) MOOSEBLOOD: Just keep still. BARRY: What? You're not dead? MOOSEBLOOD: Do I look dead? They will wipe anything that moves. Where you headed? BARRY: To Honey Farms. I am onto something huge here. MOOSEBLOOD: I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood, crazy stuff. Blows your head off! ANOTHER BUG PLAYING DEAD: I'm going to Tacoma. (Barry looks at another bug) BARRY: - And you? MOOSEBLOOD: - He really is dead. BARRY: All right. (Another bug hits the windshield and the drivers notice. They activate the windshield wipers) MOOSEBLOOD== Uh-oh! (The windshield wipers are slowly sliding over the dead bugs and wiping
them off) BARRY: - What is that?! MOOSEBLOOD: - Oh, no! : - A wiper! Triple blade! BARRY: - Triple blade? MOOSEBLOOD: Jump on! It's your only chance, bee! (Mooseblood and Barry grab onto the wiper and they hold on as it wipes the windshield) Why does everything have to be so doggone clean?! : How much do you people need to see?! (Bangs on windshield) : Open your eyes! Stick your head out the window! RADIO IN TRUCK: From NPR News in Washington, I'm Carl Kasell. MOOSEBLOOD: But don't kill no more bugs! (Mooseblood and Barry are washed off by the wipr fluid) MOOSEBLOOD: - Bee! BARRY: - Moose blood guy!! (Barry starts screaming as he hangs onto the antenna) (Suddenly it is revealed that a water bug is also hanging on the antenna.
There is a pause and then Barry and the water bug both start screaming) TRUCK DRIVER: - You hear something? GUY IN TRUCK: - Like what? TRUCK DRIVER: Like tiny screaming. GUY IN TRUCK: Turn off the radio. (The antenna starts to lower until it gets to low and sinks into the truck. The water bug flies off and Barry is forced to let go and he is blown away. He luckily lands inside a horn on top of the truck where he finds Mooseblood, who was blown into the same place) MOOSEBLOOD: Whassup, bee boy? BARRY: Hey, Blood. (Fast forward in time and we see that Barry is deep in conversation with Mooseblood. They have been sitting in this truck for a while) BARRY: ...Just a row of honey jars, as far as the eye could see. MOOSEBLOOD: Wow! BARRY: I assume wherever this truck goes is where they're getting it. : I mean, that honey's ours. MOOSEBLOOD: - Bees hang tight. BARRY:

• We're all jammed in. : It's a close community. MOOSEBLOOD: Not us, man. We on our own. Every mosquito on his own. BARRY:
• What if you get in trouble? MOOSEBLOOD:
• You a mosquito, you in trouble. : Nobody likes us. They just smack. See a mosquito, smack, smack! BARRY: At least you're out in the world. You must meet girls. MOOSEBLOOD: Mosquito girls try to trade up, get with a moth, dragonfly. : Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito. (An ambulance passes by and it has a blood donation sign on it) You got to be kidding me! : Mooseblood's about to leave the building! So long, bee! (Mooseblood leaves and flies onto the window of the ambulance where there are other mosquito's hanging out) :
• Hey, guys! OTHER MOSQUITO:
• Mooseblood!

MOOSEBLOOD: I knew I'd catch y'all down here. Did you bring your crazy straw? (The truck goes out of view and Barry notices that the truck he's on is pulling into a camp of some sort) TRUCK DRIVER: We throw it in jars, slap a label on it, and it's pretty much pure profit. (Barry flies out) BARRY: What is this place? BEEKEEPER 1#: A bee's got a brain the size of a pinhead. BEEKEEPER #2: They are pinheads! : Pinhead. : - Check out the new smoker. BEEKEEPER #1: - Oh, sweet. That's the one you want. : The Thomas 3000! BARRY: Smoker? BEEKEEPER #1: Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic. Twice the nicotine, all the tar. : A couple breaths of this knocks them right out.
BEEKEEPER #2: They make the honey, and we make the money. BARRY: "They make the honey, and we make the money"? (The Beekeeper sprays hundreds of cheap miniature apartments with the smoker. The bees are fainting or passing out) Oh, my! : What's going on? Are you OK? (Barry flies into one of the apartment and helps a Bee couple get off the ground. They are coughing and its hard for them to stand) BEE IN APARTMENT: Yeah. It doesn't last too long. BARRY: Do you know you're in a fake hive with fake walls? BEE IN APPARTMENT: Our queen was moved here. We had no choice. (The apartment room is completely empty except for a photo on the wall of the "queen" who is obviously a man in women's clothes) BARRY: This is your queen? That's a man in women's clothes! : That's a drag queen! : What is this? (Barry flies out and he discovers that there are hundreds of these structures, each housing thousands of Bees) Oh, no! : There's hundreds of them! (Barry takes out his camera and takes pictures of these Bee work camps. The beekeepers look very evil in these depictions)
Bee honey. : Our honey is being brazenly stolen on a massive scale! : This is worse than anything bears have done! I intend to do something. (Flash forward in time and Barry is showing these pictures to his parents) JANET: Oh, Barry, stop. MARTIN: Who told you humans are taking our honey? That's a rumor. BARRY: Do these look like rumors? (Holds up the pictures) UNCLE CARL: That's a conspiracy theory. These are obviously doctored photos. JANET: How did you get mixed up in this? ADAM: He's been talking to humans. JANET: - What? MARTIN: - Talking to humans?! ADAM: He has a human girlfriend. And they make out! JANET: Make out? Barry!
BARRY: We do not. ADAM: - You wish you could. MARTIN: - Whose side are you on? BARRY: The bees! UNCLE CARL: (He has been sitting in the back of the room this entire time) I dated a cricket once in San Antonio. Those crazy legs kept me up all night. JANET: Barry, this is what you want to do with your life? BARRY: I want to do it for all our lives. Nobody works harder than bees! : Dad, I remember you coming home so overworked : your hands were still stirring. You couldn't stop. JANET: I remember that. BARRY: What right do they have to our honey? : We live on two cups a year. They put it in lip balm for no reason whatsoever!
ADAM: Even if it's true, what can one bee do? BARRY: Sting them where it really hurts. MARTIN: In the face! The eye! : - That would hurt. BARRY: - No. MARTIN: Up the nose? That's a killer. BARRY: There's only one place you can sting the humans, one place where it matters. (Flash forward a bit in time and we are watching the Bee News) BEE NEWS NARRATOR: Hive at Five, the hive's only full-hour action news source. BEE PROTESTOR: No more bee beards! BEE NEWS NARRATOR: With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk. : Weather with Storm Stinger. : Sports with Buzz Larvi. : And Jeanette Chung. BOB BUMBLE: - Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble. JEANETTE CHUNG:

• And I'm Jeanette Chung. BOB BUMBLE: A tri-county bee, Barry Benson, : intends to sue the human race for stealing our honey, : packaging it and profiting from it illegally! JEANETTE CHUNG: Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King, : we'll have three former queens here in our studio, discussing their new book, : Classy Ladies, out this week on Hexagon. (The scene changes to an interview on the news with Bee version of Larry King and Barry) BEE LARRY KING: Tonight we're talking to Barry Benson. : Did you ever think, "I'm a kid from the hive. I can't do this"? BARRY: Bees have never been afraid to change the world. : What about Bee Columbus? Bee Gandhi? Bejesus? BEE LARRY KING: Where I'm from, we'd never sue humans.
  : We were thinking of stickball or candy stores. BARRY: How old are you? BEE LARRY KING: The bee community is supporting you in this case, : which will be the trial of the bee century. BARRY: You know, they have a Larry King in the human world too. BEE LARRY KING: It's a common name. Next week... BARRY: He looks like you and has a show and suspenders and colored dots... BEE LARRY KING: Next week... BARRY: Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the guest even though you just heard 'em. BEE LARRY KING: Bear Week next week! They're scary, hairy and here, live. (Bee Larry King gets annoyed and flies away offscreen) BARRY: Always leans forward, pointy shoulders, squinty eyes, very Jewish. (Flash forward in time. We see Vanessa enter and Ken enters behind her. They are arguing)
  

KEN: In tennis, you attack at the point of weakness! VANESSA: It was my grandmother, Ken. She's 81. KEN== Honey, her backhand's a joke! I'm not gonna take advantage of that? BARRY: (To Ken) Quiet, please. Actual work going on here. KEN: (Pointing at Barry) - Is that that same bee? VANESSA: - Yes, it is! : I'm helping him sue the human race. BARRY: - Hello. KEN: - Hello, bee. VANESSA: This is Ken. BARRY: (Recalling the "Winter Boots" incident earlier) Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe. KEN: (To Vanessa) Why does he talk again? VANESSA:
Listen, you better go 'cause we're really busy working. KEN: But it's our yogurt night! VANESSA: (Holding door open for Ken) Bye-bye. KEN: (Yelling) Why is yogurt night so difficult?! (Ken leaves and Vanessa walks over to Barry. His workplace is a mess) VANESSA: You poor thing. You two have been at this for hours! BARRY: Yes, and Adam here has been a huge help. ADAM: - Frosting... - How many sugars? ==BARRY== Just one. I try not to use the competition. : So why are you helping me? VANESSA: Bees have good qualities. : And it takes my mind off the shop. : Instead of flowers, people are giving balloon bouquets now. BARRY:
Those are great, if you're three. VANESSA: And artificial flowers. BARRY: - Oh, those just get me psychotic! VANESSA: - Yeah, me too. : BARRY: Bent stingers, pointless pollination. ADAM: Bees must hate those fake things! : Nothing worse than a daffodil that's had work done. : Maybe this could make up for it a little bit. VANESSA: - This lawsuit's a pretty big deal. BARRY: - I guess. ADAM: You sure you want to go through with it? BARRY: Am I sure? When I'm done with the humans, they won't be able : to say, "Honey, I'm home," without paying a royalty! (Flash forward in time and we are watching the human news. The camera shows
a crowd outside a courthouse) NEWS REPORTER: It's an incredible scene here in downtown Manhattan, : where the world anxiously waits, because for the first time in history, : we will hear for ourselves if a honeybee can actually speak. (We are no longer watching through a news camera) ADAM: What have we gotten into here, Barry? BARRY: It's pretty big, isn't it? ADAM== (Looking at the hundreds of people around the courthouse) I can't believe how many humans don't work during the day. BARRY: You think billion-dollar multinational food companies have good lawyers? SECURITY GUARD: Everybody needs to stay behind the barricade. (A limousine drives up and a fat man,Layton Montgomery, a honey industry owner gets out and walks past Barry) ADAM: - What's the matter? BARRY: - I don't know, I just got a chill. (Fast forward in time and everyone is in the court) MONTGOMERY: Well, if it isn't the bee team.
(To Honey Industry lawyers) You boys work on this? MAN: All rise! The Honorable Judge Bumbleton presiding. JUDGE BUMBLETON: All right. Case number 4475, : Superior Court of New York, Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry : is now in session. : Mr. Montgomery, you're representing the five food companies collectively? MONTGOMERY: A privilege. JUDGE BUMBLETON: Mr. Benson... you're representing all the bees of the world? (Everyone looks closely, they are waiting to see if a Bee can really talk) (Barry makes several buzzing sounds to sound like a Bee) BARRY: I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor, we're ready to proceed. JUDGE BUMBLBETON: Mr. Montgomery, your opening statement, please. MONTGOMERY: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, : my grandmother was a simple woman. :
Born on a farm, she believed it was man's divine right : to benefit from the bounty of nature God put before us. : If we lived in the topsy-turvy world Mr. Benson imagines, : just think of what would it mean. : I would have to negotiate with the silkworm : for the elastic in my britches! : Talking bee! (Montgomery walks over and looks closely at Barry) : How do we know this isn't some sort of : holographic motion-picture-capture Hollywood wizardry? : They could be using laser beams! : Robotics! Ventriloquism! Cloning! For all we know, : he could be on steroids! JUDGE BUMBLETON: Mr. Benson?
BARRY: Ladies and gentlemen, there's no trickery here. : I'm just an ordinary bee. Honey's pretty important to me. : It's important to all bees. We invented it! : We make it. And we protect it with our lives. : Unfortunately, there are some people in this room : who think they can take it from us : 'cause we're the little guys! I'm hoping that, after this is all over, : you'll see how, by taking our honey, you not only take everything we have : but everything we are! JANET== (To Martin) I wish he'd dress like that all the time. So nice! JUDGE BUMBLETON: Call your first witness. BARRY: So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden
of Honey Farms, big company you have. KLAUSS VANDERHAYDEN: I suppose so. BARRY: I see you also own Honeyburton and Honron! KLAUSS: Yes, they provide beekeepers for our farms. BARRY: Beekeeper. I find that to be a very disturbing term. : I don't imagine you employ any bee-free-ers, do you? KLAUSS: (Quietly) - No. BARRY: - I couldn't hear you. KLAUSS: - No. BARRY: - No. : Because you don't free bees. You keep bees. Not only that, : it seems you thought a bear would be an appropriate image for a jar of honey. KLAUSS: They're very lovable creatures.
: Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear. BARRY: You mean like this? (The bear from Over The Hedge barges in through the back door and it is roaring and standing on its hind legs. It is thrashing its claws and people are screaming. It is being held back by a guard who has the bear on a chain) : (Pointing to the roaring bear) Bears kill bees! : How'd you like his head crashing through your living room?! : Biting into your couch! Spitting out your throw pillows! JUDGE BUMBLETON: OK, that's enough. Take him away. (The bear stops roaring and thrashing and walks out) BARRY: So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here. Your name intrigues me. : - Where have I heard it before? MR. STING: - I was with a band called The Police. BARRY: But you've never been a police officer, have you? STING: No, I haven't. BARRY:
No, you haven't. And so here we have yet another example : of bee culture casually stolen by a human : for nothing more than a prance-about stage name. STING: Oh, please. BARRY: Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting? : Because I'm feeling a little stung, Sting. : Or should I say... Mr. Gordon M. Sumner! MONTGOMERY: That's not his real name?! You idiots! BARRY: Mr. Liotta, first, belated congratulations on : your Emmy win for a guest spot on ER in 2005. RAY LIOTTA: Thank you. Thank you. BARRY: I see from your resume that you're devilishly handsome : with a churning inner turmoil
that's ready to blow. RAY LIOTTA: I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime? BARRY: Not yet it isn't. But is this what it's come to for you? : Exploiting tiny, helpless bees so you don't : have to rehearse your part and learn your lines, sir? RAY LIOTTA: Watch it, Benson! I could blow right now! BARRY: This isn't a goodfella. This is a badfella! (Ray Liotta looses it and tries to grab Barry) RAY LIOTTA: Why doesn't someone just step on this creep, and we can all go home?! JUDGE BUMBLETON: - Order in this court! RAY LIOTTA: - You're all thinking it! (Judge Bumbleton starts banging her gavel) JUDGE BUMBLETON: Order! Order, I say! RAY LIOTTA: - Say it! MAN:

• Mr. Liotta, please sit down! (We see a montage of magazines which feature the court case) (Flash forward in time and Barry is back home with Vanessa) BARRY: I think it was awfully nice of that bear to pitch in like that. VANESSA: I think the jury's on our side. BARRY: Are we doing everything right,you know, legally? VANESSA: I'm a florist. BARRY: Right. Well, here's to a great team. VANESSA: To a great team! (Ken walks in from work. He sees Barry and he looks upset when he sees Barry clinking his glass with Vanessa) KEN: Well, hello. VANESSA:
• Oh, Ken! BARRY:
• Hello! VANESSA: I didn't think you were coming. : No, I was just late. I tried to call, but... (Ken holds up his phone and flips it open. The phone has no charge) ...the battery... VANESSA:

I didn't want all this to go to waste, so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free. KEN: Oh, that was lucky. (Ken sits down at the table across from Barry and Vanessa leaves the room) VANESSA: There's a little left. I could heat it up. KEN: (Not taking his eyes off Barry) Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever. BARRY: So I hear you're quite a tennis player. : I'm not much for the game myself. The ball's a little grabby. KEN: That's where I usually sit. Right... (Points to where Barry is sitting) there. VANESSA: (Calling from other room) Ken, Barry was looking at your resume, : and he agreed with me that eating with chopsticks isn't really a special skill. KEN: (To Barry) You think I don't see what you're doing? BARRY: I know how hard it is to find the right job. We have that in common.
KEN: Do we? BARRY: Bees have 100 percent employment, but we do jobs like taking the crud out. KEN: (Menacingly) That's just what I was thinking about doing. (Ken reaches for a fork on the table but knocks if on the floor. He goes to pick it up) VANESSA: Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor for his fuzz. I hope that was all right. (Ken quickly rises back up after hearing this but hits his head on the table and yells) BARRY: I'm going to drain the old stinger. KEN: Yeah, you do that. (Barry flies past Ken to get to the bathroom and Ken freaks out, splashing some of the wine he was using to cool his head in his eyes. He yells in anger) (Barry looks at the magazines featuring his victories in court) BARRY: Look at that. (Barry flies into the bathroom) (He puts his hand on his head but this makes hurts him and makes him even madder. He yells again) (Barry is washing his hands in the sink but then Ken walks in) KEN: You know, you know I've just about had it (Closes bathroom door behind him) with your little mind games. (Ken is menacingly rolling up a magazine) BARRY:
(Backing away) - What's that? KEN: - Italian Vogue. BARRY: Mamma mia, that's a lot of pages. KEN: It's a lot of ads. BARRY: Remember what Van said, why is your life more valuable than mine? KEN: That's funny, I just can't seem to recall that! (Ken smashes everything off the sink with the magazine and Barry narrowly escapes) (Ken follows Barry around and tries to hit him with the magazine but he keeps missing) (Ken gets a spray bottle) : I think something stinks in here! BARRY: (Enjoying the spray) I love the smell of flowers. (Ken holds a lighter in front of the spray bottle) KEN: How do you like the smell of flames?! BARRY: Not as much. (Ken fires his make-shift flamethrower but misses Barry, burning the bathroom. He torches the whole room but looses his footing and falls into the bathtub. After getting hit in the head by falling objects 3 times he picks up the shower head, revealing a Water bug hiding under it) WATER BUG: Water bug! Not taking sides!
(Barry gets up out of a pile of bathroom supplies and he is wearing a chapstick hat) BARRY: Ken, I'm wearing a Chapstick hat! This is pathetic! (Ken switches the shower head to lethal) KEN: I've got issues! (Ken sprays Barry with the shower head and he crash lands into the toilet) (Ken menacingly looks down into the toilet at Barry) Well, well, well, a royal flush! BARRY: - You're bluffing. KEN: - Am I? (flushes toilet) (Barry grabs a chapstick from the toilet seat and uses it to surf in the flushing toilet) BARRY: Surf's up, dude! (Barry flies out of the toilet on the chapstick and sprays Ken's face with the toilet water) : EW,Poo water! BARRY: That bowl is gnarly. KEN: (Aiming a toilet cleaner at Barry) Except for those dirty yellow rings! (Barry cowers and covers his head and Vanessa runs in and takes the toilet cleaner from Ken just before he hits Barry) VANESSA: Kenneth! What are you doing?! KEN== (Leaning towards Barry)
You know, I don't even like honey! I don't eat it! VANESSA: We need to talk! (Vanessa pulls Ken out of the bathroom) : He's just a little bee! : And he happens to be the nicest bee I've met in a long time! KEN: Long time? What are you talking about?! Are there other bugs in your life? VANESSA: No, but there are other things bugging me in life. And you're one of them! KEN: Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night... : My nerves are fried from riding on this emotional roller coaster! VANESSA: Goodbye, Ken. (Ken huffs and walks out and slams the door. But suddenly he walks back in and stares at Barry) : And for your information, I prefer sugar-free, artificial sweeteners MADE BY MAN! (Ken leaves again and Vanessa leans in towards Barry) VANESSA: I'm sorry about all that. (Ken walks back in again)
KEN: I know it's got an aftertaste! I LIKE IT! (Ken leaves for the last time) VANESSA: I always felt there was some kind of barrier between Ken and me. : I couldn't overcome it. Oh, well. : Are you OK for the trial? BARRY: I believe Mr. Montgomery is about out of ideas. (Flash forward in time and Barry, Adam, and Vanessa are back in court) MONTGOMERY-- We would like to call Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand. ADAM: Good idea! You can really see why he's considered one of the best lawyers... (Barry stares at Adam) ...Yeah. LAWYER: Layton, you've gotta weave some magic with this jury, or it's gonna be all over. MONTGOMERY: Don't worry. The only thing I have to do to turn this jury around : is to remind them of what they don't like about bees. (To lawyer)

• You got the tweezers? LAWYER:
• Are you allergic? MONTGOMERY: Only to losing, son. Only to losing. : Mr. Benson Bee, I'll ask you what I think we'd all like to know. : What exactly is your relationship (Points to Vanessa) : to that woman? BARRY: We're friends. MONTGOMERY:
• Good friends? BARRY:
• Yes. MONTGOMERY: How good? Do you live together? ADAM: Wait a minute... : MONTGOMERY: Are you her little... : ...bedbug? (Adam's stinger starts vibrating. He is agitated) I've seen a bee documentary or two. From what I understand,
  : doesn't your queen give birth to all the bee children? BARRY:
  
• Yeah, but... MONTGOMERY: (Pointing at Janet and Martin)
  
• So those aren't your real parents! JANET:
  
• Oh, Barry... BARRY:
  
• Yes, they are! ADAM: Hold me back! (Vanessa tries to hold Adam back. He wants to sting Montgomery) MONTGOMERY: You're an illegitimate bee, aren't you, Benson? ADAM: He's denouncing bees! MONTGOMERY: Don't y'all date your cousins? (Montgomery leans over on the jury stand and stares at Adam) VANESSA:
  
• Objection! (Vanessa raises her hand to object but Adam gets free. He flies straight at Montgomery) =ADAM:
  
• I'm going to pincushion this guy! BARRY: Adam, don't! It's what he wants! (Adam stings Montgomery in the butt and he starts thrashing around)
  

MONTGOMERY: Oh, I'm hit!! : Oh, lordy, I am hit! JUDGE BUMBLETON: (Banging gavel) Order! Order! MONTGOMERY: (Overreacting) The venom! The venom is coursing through my veins! : I have been felled by a winged beast of destruction! : You see? You can't treat them like equals! They're striped savages! : Stinging's the only thing they know! It's their way! BARRY: - Adam, stay with me. ADAM: - I can't feel my legs. MONTGOMERY: (Overreacting and throwing his body around the room) What angel of mercy will come forward to suck the poison : from my heaving buttocks? JUDGE BUMLBETON: I will have order in this court. Order!
: Order, please! (Flash forward in time and we see a human news reporter) NEWS REPORTER: The case of the honeybees versus the human race : took a pointed turn against the bees : yesterday when one of their legal team stung Layton T. Montgomery. (Adam is laying in a hospital bed and Barry flies in to see him) BARRY: - Hey, buddy. ADAM: - Hey. BARRY: - Is there much pain? ADAM: - Yeah. : I... : I blew the whole case, didn't I? BARRY: It doesn't matter. What matters is you're alive. You could have died. ADAM: I'd be better off dead. Look at me. (A small plastic sword is replaced as Adam's stinger) They got it from the cafeteria downstairs, in a tuna sandwich.
: Look, there's a little celery still on it. (Flicks off the celery and sighs) BARRY: What was it like to sting someone? ADAM: I can't explain it. It was all... : All adrenaline and then... and then ecstasy! BARRY: ...All right. ADAM: You think it was all a trap? BARRY: Of course. I'm sorry. I flew us right into this. : What were we thinking? Look at us. We're just a couple of bugs in this world. ADAM: What will the humans do to us if they win? BARRY: I don't know. ADAM: I hear they put the roaches in motels. That doesn't sound so bad. BARRY: Adam, they check in, but they don't check out!
ADAM: Oh, my. (Coughs) Could you get a nurse to close that window? BARRY: - Why? ADAM: - The smoke. (We can see that two humans are smoking cigarettes outside) : Bees don't smoke. BARRY: Right. Bees don't smoke. : Bees don't smoke! But some bees are smoking. : That's it! That's our case! ADAM: It is? It's not over? BARRY: Get dressed. I've gotta go somewhere. : Get back to the court and stall. Stall any way you can. (Flash forward in time and Adam is making a paper boat in the courtroom) ADAM: And assuming you've done step 29 correctly, you're ready for the tub! (We see that the jury have each made their own paper boats after being taught how by Adam. They all look confused) JUDGE BUMBLETON:
Mr. Flayman. ADAM: Yes? Yes, Your Honor! JUDGE BUMBLETON: Where is the rest of your team? ADAM: (Continues stalling) Well, Your Honor, it's interesting. : Bees are trained to fly haphazardly, : and as a result, we don't make very good time. : I actually heard a funny story about... MONTGOMERY: Your Honor, haven't these ridiculous bugs : taken up enough of this court's valuable time? : How much longer will we allow these absurd shenanigans to go on? : They have presented no compelling evidence to support their charges : against my clients, who run legitimate businesses. : I move for a complete dismissal
of this entire case! JUDGE BUMBLETON: Mr. Flayman, I'm afraid I'm going : to have to consider Mr. Montgomery's motion. ADAM: But you can't! We have a terrific case. MONTGOMERY: Where is your proof? Where is the evidence? : Show me the smoking gun! BARRY: (Barry flies in through the door) Hold it, Your Honor! You want a smoking gun? : Here is your smoking gun. (Vanessa walks in holding a bee smoker. She sets it down on the Judge's podium) JUDGE BUMBLETON: What is that? BARRY: It's a bee smoker! MONTGOMERY: (Picks up smoker) What, this? This harmless little contraption? : This couldn't hurt a fly, let alone a bee. (Montgomery accidentally fires it at the bees in the crowd and they faint
and cough) (Dozens of reporters start taking pictures of the suffering bees) BARRY: Look at what has happened : to bees who have never been asked, "Smoking or non?" : Is this what nature intended for us? : To be forcibly addicted to smoke machines : and man-made wooden slat work camps? : Living out our lives as honey slaves to the white man? (Barry points to the honey industry owners. One of them is an African American so he awkwardly separates himself from the others) LAWYER: - What are we gonna do? - He's playing the species card. BARRY: Ladies and gentlemen, please, free these bees! ADAM AND VANESSA: Free the bees! Free the bees! BEES IN CROWD: Free the bees! HUMAN JURY: Free the bees! Free the bees! JUDGE BUMBLETON: The court finds in favor of the bees!
BARRY: Vanessa, we won! VANESSA: I knew you could do it! High-five! (Vanessa hits Barry hard because her hand is too big) : Sorry. BARRY: (Overjoyed) I'm OK! You know what this means? : All the honey will finally belong to the bees. : Now we won't have to work so hard all the time. MONTGOMERY: This is an unholy perversion of the balance of nature, Benson. : You'll regret this. (Montgomery leaves and Barry goes outside the courtroom. Several reporters start asking Barry questions) REPORTER 1#: Barry, how much honey is out there? BARRY: All right. One at a time. REPORTER 2#: Barry, who are you wearing? BARRY: My sweater is Ralph Lauren, and I have no pants.
(Barry flies outside with the paparazzi and Adam and Vanessa stay back) ADAM: (To Vanessa) - What if Montgomery's right? Vanessa: - What do you mean? ADAM: We've been living the bee way a long time, 27 million years. (Flash forward in time and Barry is talking to a man) BUSINESS MAN: Congratulations on your victory. What will you demand as a settlement? BARRY: First, we'll demand a complete shutdown of all bee work camps. (As Barry is talking we see a montage of men putting "closed" tape over the work camps and freeing the bees in the crappy apartments) Then we want back the honey that was ours to begin with, : every last drop. (Men in suits are pushing all the honey of the aisle and into carts) We demand an end to the glorification of the bear as anything more (We see a statue of a bear-shaped honey container being pulled down by bees) than a filthy, smelly, bad-breath stink machine. : We're all aware of what they do in the woods. (We see Winnie the Pooh sharing his honey with Piglet in the cross-hairs of a high-tech sniper rifle) BARRY: (Looking through binoculars)
Wait for my signal. : Take him out. (Winnie gets hit by a tranquilizer dart and dramatically falls off the log he was standing on, his tongue hanging out. Piglet looks at Pooh in fear and the Sniper takes the honey.) SNIPER: He'll have nausea for a few hours, then he'll be fine. (Flash forward in time) BARRY: And we will no longer tolerate bee-negative nicknames... (Mr. Sting is sitting at home until he is taken out of his house by the men in suits) STING: But it's just a prance-about stage name! BARRY: ...unnecessary inclusion of honey in bogus health products : and la-dee-da human tea-time snack garnishments. (An old lady is mixing honey into her tea but suddenly men in suits smash her face down on the table and take the honey) OLD LADY: Can't breathe. (A honey truck pulls up to Barry's hive) WORKER: Bring it in, boys! : Hold it right there! Good. : Tap it.
(Tons of honey is being pumped into the hive's storage) BEE WORKER 1#: (Honey overflows from the cup) Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups, and there's gallons more coming! : - I think we need to shut down! =BEE WORKER #2= - Shut down? We've never shut down. : Shut down honey production! DEAN BUZZWELL: Stop making honey! (The bees all leave their stations. Two bees run into a room and they put the keys into a machine) Turn your key, sir! (Two worker bees dramatically turn their keys, which opens the button which they press, shutting down the honey-making machines. This is the first time this has ever happened) BEE: ...What do we do now? (Flash forward in time and a Bee is about to jump into a pool full of honey) Cannonball! (The bee gets stuck in the honey and we get a short montage of Bees leaving work) (We see the Pollen Jocks flying but one of them gets a call on his antenna) LOU LU DUVA: (Through "phone") We're shutting honey production! : Mission abort. POLLEN JOCK #1: Aborting pollination and nectar detail. Returning to base. (The Pollen Jocks fly back to the hive)
(We get a time lapse of Central Park slowly wilting away as the bees all relax) BARRY: Adam, you wouldn't believe how much honey was out there. ADAM: Oh, yeah? BARRY: What's going on? Where is everybody? (The entire street is deserted) : - Are they out celebrating? ADAM: - They're home. : They don't know what to do. Laying out, sleeping in. : I heard your Uncle Carl was on his way to San Antonio with a cricket. BARRY: At least we got our honey back. ADAM: Sometimes I think, so what if humans liked our honey? Who wouldn't? : It's the greatest thing in the world! I was excited to be part of making it. : This was my new desk. This was my new job. I wanted to do it really well. :
And now... : Now I can't. (Flash forward in time and Barry is talking to Vanessa) BARRY: I don't understand why they're not happy. : I thought their lives would be better! : They're doing nothing. It's amazing. Honey really changes people. VANESSA: You don't have any idea what's going on, do you? BARRY: - What did you want to show me? (Vanessa takes Barry to the rooftop where they first had coffee and points to her store) VANESSA: - This. (Points at her flowers. They are all grey and wilting) BARRY: What happened here? VANESSA: That is not the half of it. (Small flash forward in time and Vanessa and Barry are on the roof of her store and she points to Central Park) (We see that Central Park is no longer green and colorful, rather it is grey, brown, and dead-like. It is very depressing to look at) BARRY: Oh, no. Oh, my. :
They're all wilting. VANESSA: Doesn't look very good, does it? BARRY: No. VANESSA: And whose fault do you think that is? BARRY: You know, I'm gonna guess bees. VANESSA== (Staring at Barry) Bees? BARRY: Specifically, me. : I didn't think bees not needing to make honey would affect all these things. VANESSA: It's not just flowers. Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees. BARRY: That's our whole SAT test right there. VANESSA: Take away produce, that affects the entire animal kingdom. : And then, of course... BARRY: The human species? : So if there's no more pollination,
: it could all just go south here, couldn't it? VANESSA: I know this is also partly my fault. BARRY: How about a suicide pact? VANESSA: How do we do it? BARRY: - I'll sting you, you step on me. VANESSA: - That just kills you twice. BARRY: Right, right. VANESSA: Listen, Barry... sorry, but I gotta get going. (Vanessa leaves) BARRY: (To himself) I had to open my mouth and talk. : Vanessa? : Vanessa? Why are you leaving? Where are you going? (Vanessa is getting into a taxi) VANESSA: To the final Tournament of Roses parade in Pasadena. :
They've moved it to this weekend because all the flowers are dying. : It's the last chance I'll ever have to see it. BARRY: Vanessa, I just wanna say I'm sorry. I never meant it to turn out like this. VANESSA: I know. Me neither. (The taxi starts to drive away) BARRY: Tournament of Roses. Roses can't do sports. : Wait a minute. Roses. Roses? : Roses! : Vanessa! (Barry flies after the Taxi) VANESSA: Roses?! : Barry? (Barry is flying outside the window of the taxi) BARRY: - Roses are flowers! VANESSA: - Yes, they are. BARRY: Flowers, bees, pollen!
VANESSA: I know. That's why this is the last parade. BARRY: Maybe not. Could you ask him to slow down? VANESSA: Could you slow down? (The taxi driver screeches to a stop and Barry keeps flying forward) : Barry! (Barry flies back to the window) BARRY: OK, I made a huge mistake. This is a total disaster, all my fault. VANESSA: Yes, it kind of is. BARRY: I've ruined the planet. I wanted to help you : with the flower shop. I've made it worse. VANESSA: Actually, it's completely closed down. BARRY: I thought maybe you were remodeling. : But I have another idea, and it's greater than my previous ideas combined. VANESSA: I don't want to hear it!
BARRY: All right, they have the roses, the roses have the pollen. : I know every bee, plant and flower bud in this park. : All we gotta do is get what they've got back here with what we've got. : - Bees. VANESSA: - Park. BARRY: - Pollen! VANESSA: - Flowers. BARRY: - Re-pollination! VANESSA: - Across the nation! : Tournament of Roses, Pasadena, California. : They've got nothing but flowers, floats and cotton candy. : Security will be tight. BARRY: I have an idea.
(Flash forward in time. Vanessa is about to board a plane which has all the Roses on board. VANESSA: Vanessa Bloome, FTD. (Holds out badge) : Official floral business. It's real. SECURITY GUARD: Sorry, ma'am. Nice brooch. =VANESSA== Thank you. It was a gift. (Barry is revealed to be hiding inside the brooch) (Flash back in time and Barry and Vanessa are discussing their plan) BARRY: Once inside, we just pick the right float. VANESSA: How about The Princess and the Pea? : I could be the princess, and you could be the pea! BARRY: Yes, I got it. : - Where should I sit? GUARD: - What are you? BARRY: - I believe I'm the pea. GUARD: - The pea? VANESSA:
It goes under the mattresses. GUARD: - Not in this fairy tale, sweetheart. - I'm getting the marshal. VANESSA: You do that! This whole parade is a fiasco! : Let's see what this baby'll do. (Vanessa drives the float through traffic) GUARD: Hey, what are you doing?! BARRY== Then all we do is blend in with traffic... : ...without arousing suspicion. : Once at the airport, there's no stopping us. (Flash forward in time and Barry and Vanessa are about to get on a plane) SECURITY GUARD: Stop! Security. : - You and your insect pack your float? VANESSA: - Yes. SECURITY GUARD: Has it been in your possession the entire time? VANESSA: - Yes.
SECURITY GUARD: Would you remove your shoes? (To Barry) - Remove your stinger. BARRY: - It's part of me. SECURITY GUARD: I know. Just having some fun. Enjoy your flight. (Barry plotting with Vanessa) BARRY: Then if we're lucky, we'll have just enough pollen to do the job. (Flash forward in time and Barry and Vanessa are flying on the plane) Can you believe how lucky we are? We have just enough pollen to do the job! VANESSA: I think this is gonna work. BARRY: It's got to work. CAPTAIN SCOTT: (On intercom) Attention, passengers, this is Captain Scott. : We have a bit of bad weather in New York. : It looks like we'll experience a couple hours delay. VANESSA: Barry, these are cut flowers with no water. They'll never make it. BARRY:
I gotta get up there and talk to them. VANESSA== Be careful. (Barry flies right outside the cockpit door) BARRY: Can I get help with the Sky Mall magazine? I'd like to order the talking inflatable nose and ear hair trimmer. (The flight attendant opens the door and walks out and Barry flies into the cockpit unseen) BARRY: Captain, I'm in a real situation. CAPTAIN SCOTT: - What'd you say, Hal? CO-PILOT HAL: - Nothing. (Scott notices Barry and freaks out) CAPTAIN SCOTT: Bee! BARRY: No,no,no, Don't freak out! My entire species... (Captain Scott gets out of his seat and tries to suck Barry into a handheld vacuum) HAL: (To Scott) What are you doing? (Barry lands on Hals hair but Scott sees him. He tries to suck up Barry but instead he sucks up Hals toupee) CAPTAIN SCOTT: Uh-oh. BARRY: - Wait a minute! I'm an attorney!
HAL: (Hal doesn't know Barry is on his head) - Who's an attorney? CAPTAIN SCOTT: Don't move. (Scott hits Hal in the face with the vacuum in an attempt to hit Barry. Hal is knocked out and he falls on the life raft button which launches an infalatable boat into Scott, who gets knocked out and falls to the floor. They are both uncounscious.) BARRY: (To himself) Oh, Barry. BARRY: (On intercom, with a Southern accent) Good afternoon, passengers. This is your captain. : Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24B please report to the cockpit? (Vanessa looks confused) (Normal accent) ...And please hurry! (Vanessa opens the door and sees the life raft and the uncounscious pilots) VANESSA: What happened here? BARRY: I tried to talk to them, but then there was a DustBuster, a toupee, a life raft exploded. : Now one's bald, one's in a boat, and they're both unconscious! VANESSA: ...Is that another bee joke? BARRY:

• No! : No one's flying the plane! BUD DITCHWATER: (Through radio on plane) This is JFK control tower, Flight 356. What's your status? VANESSA: This is Vanessa Bloome. I'm a florist from New York. BUD: Where's the pilot? VANESSA: He's unconscious, and so is the copilot. BUD: Not good. Does anyone onboard have flight experience? BARRY: As a matter of fact, there is. BUD:
• Who's that? BARRY:
• Barry Benson. BUD: From the honey trial?! Oh, great. BARRY: Vanessa, this is nothing more than a big metal bee. : It's got giant wings, huge engines.

VANESSA: I can't fly a plane. BARRY: - Why not? Isn't John Travolta a pilot? VANESSA: - Yes. BARRY: How hard could it be? (Vanessa sits down and flies for a little bit but we see lightning clouds outside the window) VANESSA: Wait, Barry! We're headed into some lightning. (An ominous lightning storm looms in front of the plane) (We are now watching the Bee News) BOB BUMBLE: This is Bob Bumble. We have some late-breaking news from JFK Airport, : where a suspenseful scene is developing. : Barry Benson, fresh from his legal victory... ADAM: That's Barry! BOB BUMBLE: ...is attempting to land a plane, loaded with people, flowers : and an incapacitated flight crew. JANET, MARTIN, UNCLE CAR AND ADAM: Flowers?! (The scene switches to the human news)
REPORTER: (Talking with Bob Bumble) We have a storm in the area and two individuals at the controls : with absolutely no flight experience. BOB BUMBLE: Just a minute. There's a bee on that plane. BUD: I'm quite familiar with Mr. Benson and his no-account compadres. : They've done enough damage. REPORTER: But isn't he your only hope? BUD: Technically, a bee shouldn't be able to fly at all. : Their wings are too small... BARRY: (Through radio) Haven't we heard this a million times? : "The surface area of the wings and body mass make no sense."... BOB BUMBLE: - Get this on the air! BEE: - Got it.
BEE NEWS CREW: - Stand by. BEE NEWS CREW: - We're going live! BARRY: (Through radio on TV) ...The way we work may be a mystery to you. : Making honey takes a lot of bees doing a lot of small jobs. : But let me tell you about a small job. : If you do it well, it makes a big difference. : More than we realized. To us, to everyone. : That's why I want to get bees back to working together. : That's the bee way! We're not made of Jell-O. : We get behind a fellow. : - Black and yellow! BEES: - Hello! (The scene switches and Barry is teaching Vanessa how to fly) BARRY:
Left, right, down, hover. VANESSA: - Hover? BARRY: - Forget hover. VANESSA: This isn't so hard. (Pretending to honk the horn) Beep-beep! Beep-beep! (A Lightning bolt hits the plane and autopilot turns off) Barry, what happened?! BARRY: Wait, I think we were on autopilot the whole time. VANESSA: - That may have been helping me. BARRY: - And now we're not! VANESSA: So it turns out I cannot fly a plane. (The plane plummets but we see Lou Lu Duva and the Pollen Jocks, along with multiple other bees flying towards the plane) Lou Lu DUva: All of you, let's get behind this fellow! Move it out! : Move out! (The scene switches back to Vanessa and Barry in the plane) BARRY: Our only chance is if I do what I'd do, you copy me with the wings of the plane! (Barry sticks out his arms like an airplane and flys in front of Vanessa's face)
VANESSA: Don't have to yell. BARRY: I'm not yelling! We're in a lot of trouble. VANESSA: It's very hard to concentrate with that panicky tone in your voice! BARRY: It's not a tone. I'm panicking! VANESSA: I can't do this! (Barry slaps Vanessa) BARRY: Vanessa, pull yourself together. You have to snap out of it! VANESSA: (Slaps Barry) You snap out of it. BARRY: (Slaps Vanessa) : You snap out of it. VANESSA: - You snap out of it! BARRY: - You snap out of it! (We see that all the Pollen Jocks are flying under the plane) VANESSA: - You snap out of it! BARRY: - You snap out of it!
VANESSA: - You snap out of it! BARRY: - You snap out of it! VANESSA: - Hold it! BARRY: - Why? Come on, it's my turn. VANESSA: How is the plane flying? (The plane is now safely flying) VANESSA: I don't know. (Barry's antennae rings like a phone. Barry picks up) BARRY: Hello? LOU LU DUVA: (Through "phone") Benson, got any flowers for a happy occasion in there? (All of the Pollen Jocks are carrying the plane) BARRY: The Pollen Jocks! : They do get behind a fellow. LOU LU DUVA: - Black and yellow. POLLEN JOCKS: - Hello. LOU LU DUVA: All right, let's drop this tin can
on the blacktop. BARRY: Where? I can't see anything. Can you? VANESSA: No, nothing. It's all cloudy. : Come on. You got to think bee, Barry. BARRY: - Thinking bee. - Thinking bee. (On the runway there are millions of bees laying on their backs) BEES: Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! BARRY: Wait a minute. I think I'm feeling something. VANESSA: - What? BARRY: - I don't know. It's strong, pulling me. : Like a 27-million-year-old instinct. : Bring the nose down. BEES: Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! CONTROL TOWER OPERATOR: - What in the world is on the tarmac? BUD: - Get some lights on that!
(It is revealed that all the bees are organized into a giant pulsating flower formation) BEES: Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! BARRY: - Vanessa, aim for the flower. VANESSA: - OK. BARRY: Out the engines. We're going in on bee power. Ready, boys? LOU LU DUVA: Affirmative! BARRY: Good. Good. Easy, now. That's it. : Land on that flower! : Ready? Full reverse! : Spin it around! (The plane's nose is pointed at a flower painted on a nearby plane) - Not that flower! The other one! VANESSA: - Which one? BARRY: - That flower. (The plane is now pointed at a fat guy in a flowered shirt. He freaks out and tries to take a picture of the plane) VANESSA: - I'm aiming at the flower!
BARRY: That's a fat guy in a flowered shirt. I mean the giant pulsating flower made of millions of bees! (The plane hovers over the bee-flower) : Pull forward. Nose down. Tail up. : Rotate around it. VANESSA: - This is insane, Barry! BARRY: - This's the only way I know how to fly. BUD: Am I koo-koo-kachoo, or is this plane flying in an insect-like pattern? (The plane is unrealistically hovering and spinning over the bee-flower) BARRY: Get your nose in there. Don't be afraid. Smell it. Full reverse! : Just drop it. Be a part of it. : Aim for the center! : Now drop it in! Drop it in, woman! : Come on, already. (The bees scatter and the plane safely lands) VANESSA: Barry, we did it! You taught me how to fly!
BARRY: - Yes! (Vanessa is about to high-five Barry) No high-five! VANESSA: - Right. ADAM: Barry, it worked! Did you see the giant flower? BARRY: What giant flower? Where? Of course I saw the flower! That was genius! ADAM: - Thank you. BARRY: - But we're not done yet. : Listen, everyone! : This runway is covered with the last pollen : from the last flowers available anywhere on Earth. : That means this is our last chance. : We're the only ones who make honey, pollinate flowers and dress like this. : If we're gonna survive as a species, this is our moment! What do you say?
: Are we going to be bees, or just Museum of Natural History keychains? BEES: We're bees! BEE WHO LIKES KEYCHAINS: Keychain! BARRY: Then follow me! Except Keychain. POLLEN JOCK #1: Hold on, Barry. Here. : You've earned this. BARRY: Yeah! : I'm a Pollen Jock! And it's a perfect fit. All I gotta do are the sleeves. (The Pollen Jocks throw Barry a nectar-collecting gun. Barry catches it) Oh, yeah. JANET: That's our Barry. (Barry and the Pollen Jocks get pollen from the flowers on the plane) (Flash forward in time and the Pollen Jocks are flying over NYC) : (Barry pollinates the flowers in Vanessa's shop and then heads to Central Park) BOY IN PARK: Mom! The bees are back! ADAM: (Putting on his Krelman hat) If anybody needs
to make a call, now's the time. : I got a feeling we'll be working late tonight! (The bee honey factories are back up and running) (Meanwhile at Vanessa's shop) VANESSA: (To customer) Here's your change. Have a great afternoon! Can I help who's next? : Would you like some honey with that? It is bee-approved. Don't forget these. (There is a room in the shop where Barry does legal work for other animals. He is currently talking with a Cow) COW: Milk, cream, cheese, it's all me. And I don't see a nickel! : Sometimes I just feel like a piece of meat! BARRY: I had no idea. VANESSA: Barry, I'm sorry. Have you got a moment? BARRY: Would you excuse me? My mosquito associate will help you. MOOSEBLOOD: Sorry I'm late. COW: He's a lawyer too?
MOOSEBLOOD: Ma'am, I was already a blood-sucking parasite. All I needed was a briefcase. VANESSA: Have a great afternoon! : Barry, I just got this huge tulip order, and I can't get them anywhere. BARRY: No problem, Vannie. Just leave it to me. VANESSA: You're a lifesaver, Barry. Can I help who's next? BARRY: All right, scramble, jocks! It's time to fly. VANESSA: Thank you, Barry! (Ken walks by on the sidewalk and sees the "bee-approved honey" in Vanessa's shop) KEN: That bee is living my life!! ANDY: Let it go, Kenny. KEN: - When will this nightmare end?! ANDY: - Let it all go. BARRY: - Beautiful day to fly. POLLEN JOCK:

• Sure is. BARRY: Between you and me, I was dying to get out of that office. (Barry recreates the scene near the beginning of the movie where he flies through the box kite. The movie fades to black and the credits being) [--after credits; No scene can be seen but the characters can be heard talking over the credits--] You have got to start thinking bee, my friend! :
• Thinking bee!
• Me? BARRY: (Talking over singer) Hold it. Let's just stop for a second. Hold it. : I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone. Can we stop here? SINGER: Oh, BarryBARRY: I'm not making a major life decision during a production number! SINGER: All right. Take ten, everybody. Wrap it up, guys. BARRY: I had virtually no rehearsal for that.

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Victor sat at his kitchen table and stared at the tablet in his hand as he blew on his morning coffee. It had been a busy week, setting up areas for construction with enough room for the nano-forge, then using it to build auto-factories to build more mining drones and more forge spiders to gather more resources and clear out more areas.
Thus far he had Ingot Storage 1 complete and the forge spiders pathed to bring back and sort them. Then Hydroponics 1 was complete, the auto-farmers were programmed and with any luck in about six weeks he’d have wheat, oats, barley, corn, beans, rice, cabbage, potatoes, tomatoes, okra, mushrooms, squash, and many more fruits and vegetables.
Today he was working on Meat Lab 1. Set up was pretty straight forward, the equipment and power were in place, and the specimens were brought from dimensional storage to the grow labs, it was just the pathing necessary to cultivate, harvest and can the meats. His budget was limited here, he had chicken, beef, and pork cultures, and that was it.
Who would have thought his life savings, his parents life savings, and the sale of his ancestral home still couldn’t get him everything he wanted to start a new life on a colony world? He tapped his tablet a few more times before he was satisfied with the pathing, he pretty much copied it over from Hydro 1, they both canned the food in the end anyways.
He then checked on his mining drones, they were busy little beavers, and had found a remarkable amount of usable materials. More than even the satellite estimated for this location, he sent a few of them two days ago to cut a shaft down to the petroleum reserves, it appears that they had indeed succeeded in locating it.
He brought up the auto-factories that he had built from the nano-forge, numbers three and seven were idle, so he started constructing hauler drones to pump the raw petroleum into their internal tanks and then bring them up to Storage 1, where they can unload into new tanks. This will solve my plastics issue… I hope.
Yup, everything was going smoothly. Even if he never made it back to the empire, at least here he could have a little piece of it, with all the modern conveniences he was used to. “Screw living in places like Wuzhen. They didn’t even have indoor plumbing!” He muttered as his attention was brought to a notification on his tablet. INTRUDER ALERT. ____________ Pan ran as though her life depended on it. Well, actually it did, for the instinctive Ox-Kin that were chasing her would kill and eat her if she were caught. Being Rabbit-Kin her small and agile frame allowed her speed and maneuverability, but the Ox-Kin instinctuals didn’t have to run around trees, they could just push them aside!
Her wagon and all her goods were lost, she was dirty and scared. There was a clearing up ahead and her heart dropped, nowhere to hide, and the stream would slow her down, she was trapped now! She frantically looked from left to right as she continued to run, looking for some way out as the Ox-Kin roared behind her tearing up the ground as their razor sharp hoofs slammed into the ground.
She heard a sound as if there were thunderstorm raging, but it did not end, it simply got louder. She looked up in time to see a black figure on wings of fire plunge towards the ground. She didn’t stop, if it would distract the instinctuals then she would use it to her advantage and hopefully escape this terrible fate.
Suddenly she heard a sound as if someone were rubbing the rim of a meditation bowl, only hundreds of times louder, then screams of pain, several thuds, and then silence. She turned her head to see the black figure stand upright and to her astonishment, all the Ox-Kin were down.
No, not down, dead. Cut in half, obviously in mid gallop for the halves of their bodies were separated by meters. She slowed to take in the strange figure, its helmet magically disappeared behind him, showing a foreign face with short cropped black hair and eyes she had only seen on portraits of the Eternal Empress. _____________ “It’s ok, they’re all dead now. Waste of good beef if you ask me, but it’s a little too close to cannibalism for me. Had enough corpo-starch in the guard to last me a lifetime.” He said as she stopped to take a breath. He slowly started walking over to her.
Pan backed up, rather involuntarily, as this man had just slaughtered half a dozen instinctual Ox-Kin in the blink of an eye.
“Whoa, calm down, not gonna hurt you. Just want to ask you a few questions, I’m Victor by the way, what’s your name?” He asked, hands out to show he meant no harm.
Pan finally caught enough wind to take her hands off her thighs and straighten up, one of her bunny ears fell across her face, a sign of how exhausted she truly was. “I’m… Pan… Sorry, still trying to catch my breath.”
The strange man cocked his head to the side and she noticed it wasn’t just a helm he had been wearing, At first she thought he was wearing all black clothing, but it was actually armor, very intricate armor. “Are you a cultivator? I’ve never seen a male cultivator before.”
Victor chuckled, “I’ve been getting that a lot lately. The answer is… complicated. Now, about those questions. Shall we walk back to your home while I ask?”
Pan shook her head, “The only home I had was my wagon. I was a trader who bought and sold goods. The instinctuals destroyed it while I was gathering water. I heard my Ox bellow and when I came up from the stream it was being eaten, the wagon destroyed, my wares nothing more than shredded trash.” She looked down and started to cry as the realization that she had just lost everything took hold.
Victor put on his officers face, oh boy. Here come the water works. “Shh, calm down, it’s only a wagon. It’s a thing, and things can be replaced.”
She looked up to him and lowered her hands, “Perhaps to a powerful cultivator, but I am but a lowly peasant girl. I will have to sell my self on the streets to eat now!” She buried her face back into her hands and wailed.
“Oh for Emperors sakes!” Victor thought as he scooped the small woman up in his arms. This prompted a sharp “Eeek!” From her as he activated his jump jets. _____________ Pan was terrified. Rabbit-Kin were not made for flying. The strange cultivator had scooped her up in his arms as though she were a small child and launched them into the air. She tried to scream, but the air screeching by her face seemed to carry the noise away. Though she doubted anyone could have heard over fire erupting from his wings.
Suddenly they landed and she was set down. She looked around and saw they were on a ledge, far up the mountain where the Ox-Kin had chased her. The ledge had a metal rail all the way around it but she saw no way to reach it other than flight.
The strange man must have brought his helmet back up before they launched into the air, because he had it up now. He turned to the mountain and it split open before him! After retracting his helm he simply said, “Follow me, since you don’t have a home, I’ll bring you to mine.”
She followed him into the mountain, expecting it to be dark and cold, but to her surprise it was warm and light shown down from the ceiling as if it were daylight! The walls were smooth stone, and after a few meters in the mountain closed behind them, only it seemed to do it twice, once inside and once outside.
She continued to walk until they came to a strange door with a wheel in the center. The cultivator spun the wheel and opened the metal door. She had never seen so much worked metal in all her days. Even the blacksmith shops lacked the amount, or skill she saw here.
After she entered into a small chamber, Victor closed the door behind them and walked to a strange outcropping on the wall and turned around. The armor up close was neither new nor perfect, she saw dints and dings, and scorch marks in places. Then she jumped back as it split in half and Victor stepped out in nothing more than short pants covering his man-hood.
She blushed and diverted her eyes, but not before noticing the rippling muscles, scar tissue, and little round metal discs at regular intervals all over his body. He covered himself with a very plush white robe and slippers before opening another door that was identical to the first. “Should I wear slippers as well, Master Cultivator?”
Victor looked back, “That won’t be necessary, the cleaning drones will handle any mess we cause.” Pan pondered on what a drone was. A servant perhaps? Was that why he brought me here, to be one of his servants? Or was it something else? Oh no, she mentioned having to sell herself, did he expect her to be one of his mistresses? She wouldn’t be opposed, for he was a handsome man, but what kin was he?
She almost missed what was said next. “This is my humble abode, you’re welcome to stay here for a time while I get my bearings on this land.” Victor said as he walked over to the table and picked up a piece of see-through glass. Magical runes and pictures flared into existence as he tapped at it before setting it back down.
Pan could barely speak. This place was what she would expect in the Imperial palace. There was no kang, or open fire, but it was the perfect temperature and humidity. She saw a large couch, tables, chairs, cabinets of wood, a countertop with a strange steel bowl and what looked as if it were a well pump above it.
The back wall had multiple doors, the two that were open showed one to be a bed room, with a huge bed, the other was tiled with a white chair, it almost looked like a throne? How strange she thought as she peered into the room to see a chamber of fogged glass also inside the room.
Victor noticed her curiosity, “That is the bathroom. Come here, I’ll show you.”
Pan followed Victor into the bathroom as he demonstrated the toilet, explaining rather embarrassingly how it worked and how to use it, he then showed her the glass chamber with the odd steel handles.
“This one is hot, and this one is cold, you turn them both on until you get the temperature just right to clean yourself. On the wall there is liquid soap, shampoo, and conditioner, though I keep my hair close, so the conditioner wouldn’t be as necessary as say someone with your long hair.” He explained.
Pan was shocked as the saw the stream of water pouring from the wall. What manner of magic was this? “I have never seen a male cultivator, but it is known they are master craftsmen, can you all create such magical wonders?”
Victor shrugged, “No idea, I’ve never met another, uh, male cultivator.”
Pan considered, “Could I, maybe use this chamber to clean up? This mornings activities have left me a little soiled.”
Victor nodded, “Of course.” He reached into a small cabinet and produced a large piece of fluffy cloth and placed it on another steel rail outside the chamber. Before placing a smaller version of it inside the chamber on a rack. Finally he reached back into the cabinet and produced a robe much like he was wearing and placed it on a hook behind the door.
He then pointed to the small one inside the chamber, “That is a wash cloth to clean yourself with the soap, use the shampoo here on your hair, and then after rinsing it out, rub the conditioner in and let it sit a bit before finally rinsing it out. Then dry yourself off with this towel, and put on the robe I placed on the door.”
Pan nodded, “What will you do with my clothes after I remove them?”
Victor sniffed “Probably burn them.” He thought to himself. “I will provide you with clothes to lounge around the house.” He turned around and closed the door behind him.
Pan used the ‘toilet’ surprised at its efficiency to clean itself with water before turning on the water stream and adjusting the knobs until it was pleasant. She took to cleaning herself with gusto, for she had never had such luxury. Even the tubs at the inns she could sometimes visit were not this nice.
She heard the door open, and through the smoked glass she could see that Victor seemed to be gathering her things from the floor and leaving behind something on the ‘toilet’. After getting herself more clean that she thought she ever had in her entire life she sighed and decided she needed to get out.
After fiddling with the knobs and nearly freezing herself before turning them the proper way she reached out and grabbed the ‘towel’ and found it did an amazing job of drying her. Afterwards she tied the cloth up in her hair, careful not to get her ears and examined the clothes he brought her.
There was an article of clothing like what he wore, the short pants, but smaller, and tighter. She assumed it was for the same purpose and put it on, then she found a soft pair of pants, like men would wear, but of much finer and softer material. Finally, there was a form fitting shirt that she found left little to the imagination, but she had little choice to but to put it on. Finally there were thick, luxurious slippers on the floor and the robe on the back of the door.
She came out of the bathroom to find him at the strange counter, cooking. “A man who cooks for a woman? I know he is a foreigner, but I have never heard of this happening.” She thought as he waved her to the large table.
“I missed breakfast this morning, your little tussle with the Ox-Kin ladies kind of put it on hold, have you eaten?” He asked.
Pan felt the hunger pains when he asked as she shook her head.
He chuckled as he continued his work, “No, I guess you didn’t get a chance to eat this morning either.
How do you like your eggs?”
Pan was confused, “Um, I prefer them cooked?”
Victor looked back before saying, “Scrambled it is then.”
After a few minutes and some toiling around the cupboards he dropped off a huge plate in front of her. “Normally I’d let the auto-cook prepare the food, but since I’m getting everything up and running at the moment it’s missing a lot of ingredients. So, I worked with what I had, scrambled eggs, bacon, grits, and toast.”
She stared down at her plate, it mostly looked familiar, but the white porridge was a bit different. He handed her strange utensils before pushing two strange bottles with seasonings in them with holes punched in the top. She watched as he used the utensils to eat, and attempted to do the same.
The spoon was easy, she had used those for soup, but the tiny pitch fork and knife were difficult. Victor noticed this and stood up, went to a cabinet and pulled out a drawer and brought back metal chop sticks.
Pan stared at them, they were perhaps brass, possibly even gold, her mouth dropped, these utensils would have been worth more than her wagon! Victor looked up from his food, “Is everything ok? Is there something wrong with the chopsticks?”
Pan hurriedly put the chopsticks to work grabbing up the slivers of pork. “No, no. This lowly peasant girl was merely in amazement at the quality of the utensils.”
Victor nodded as he watched her eyes go round with amazement after chewing on the bacon. Before she dug into the eggs and tried the grits, deciding they needed the seasonings, which she found was salt and a form of pepper, she nodded before cleaning her plate.
Victor sat back, his own plate clean, “Now that’s a healthy appetite, I wasn’t sure a girl your size could finish a plate like that.”
Pan flushed, a bit embarrassed, “It was no doubt due to your cooking expertise. But I still don’t know why you brought me here.”
Victor stood and took her plate and utensils and opened a strange metal door under the counter and placed them into a metal chamber before closing it back. “You said you were a traveling merchant, which means you go places and hear things. I’m new here and have questions. Therefore we can help each other.”
He ushered Pan to the plush couch and sat down, she took the time to pull her hair out of the towel and he took it from her and went into the ‘bathroom’ a strange name as there was no bathtub inside it and returned to sit at the opposite side of the couch.
Pan let him sit before asking, “Ok, you have questions, what do you want to know?”
Victor took a moment to gather his thoughts before speaking, “Why do you have rabbit ears? Why do people in the villages have monkey tails or goats eyes? And what the hell is up with these instinctuals that are more animal that people?” _______________ It had been hours and Pan was actually feeling mentally drained. The man before her was not a cultivator. Whatever he was, she doubted many cultivators except the Empress could hope to match him. The more he showed her, the more she was certain his powers were unlimited. She didn’t know whether to bow in awe, or run in terror.
Not from this plane of existence is how he put it. Meaning from the realm of the divinities maybe? She did not know for sure.
“So, this Eternal Empress came along a few thousand years ago, united the lands, built a wall and a government, and now uses her armies and cultivator sects to maintain law and order across her lands?” He asked.
Pan nodded, “Yes, before her we were broken into tribes that warred against one another constantly.”
Victor paced in front of her, “So she is immortal, like me. That’s good and bad, good in that she may have the knowledge to get me home. Bad, that she could see me as a threat and has tons of resources.” He suddenly stopped pacing. “I’m hungry, are you hungry?”
Pan was not going to say no to a free meal, as she literally had nothing to her name now. Not even her clothes. “I could eat master… er Victor.”
He started off to the ‘kitchen’ and opened the top to the large metal door and produced a round item wrapped in flexible glass? Or was it cloth that looked like glass? “Victor is fine, I’m going to make a Pizza, I doubt you’ve ever had one, but trust me, they’re great.”
As he worked they continued the questions, “So cultivators are broken up into sects, each one with its own goals and agendas, but all loyal to the Empress?”
Pan nodded, “Yes, and then the Iron Legions are armored mortals who keep the peace throughout the empire, although none of the towns around here are large enough to boast a garrison.”
The metal and glass hinged door was opened and the round cake like object that was placed on a pan was put into it and the door closed. “Ok, twenty minutes and we eat. So tell me, what kin is the Empress?”
Pan looked confused, “The Empress is the Empress, she has no kin.”
Victor wiped his hands on a small dish towel, “So you are rabbit-kin, I’ve met tiger-kin and boar-kin, and others, but she has no kin?”
Pan made a sudden connection, “No, she is like you. She has no kin.”
Victor dropped the dish towel on the counter, “So she’s human.” ________________ “Curse that damnable Victor Cane!” Mei swore as she and Xiang pushed the wagon to free it from the mud once more as the Ox pulling it simply lacked the strength to free it.
Xiang looked to her sect sister, “My my, Mei.” She chuckled at her own word play. “If I didn’t know better I’d say you were getting fixated on the male.”
Mei stared daggers at her companion, she knew she could feel the killing intent, but as they were both second tier, it did little. “The male was aloof, arrogant, cared nothing for face, and ignored me on the battlefield!”
Xiang grinned even more as she climbed aboard the wagon and took the reins. “Don’t think the rest of your sisters haven’t noticed the way you talk about him, you cover your interest with complaint, but it is a thin sheet.”
Mei reached down to her left hand, “He put his hand on mine in the Inn before he flew away on wings of fire. He was trying to comfort me on the loss of our sisters.”
Xiang turned her head sharply, “You didn’t put that in your report, this is the first any of us have heard of it.”
Mei sighed, “I don’t know what to think of it. Male cultivators are so rare, just seeing one outside of the the sect inner circles is a rarity. Most of us never get to even speak to a male cultivator unless we ascend to a high tier within the sect, making us worthy of being in their presence. I wanted to cherish it.”
Xiang smiled as she looked back to the ox before snapping the reins, “I would cherish it too, this is a hard life, mortal men would break in our embrace, but a cultivator male would not. He was a good looking man for a foreigner too.”
Mei shuddered, “That he is, even if a bit rugged, he is evidently a soldier after all.”
Xiangs mischievous grin was back, “I knew it, you were pining over this Victor!”
Mei’s killing intent was definitely felt by Xiang this time as she laughed uproariously at her friends discomfort.
“Fear not my OLDER sister, for in one passing of the moon we will be in the Celestial City and you can deliver your prize to the Empress. I am sure after this you will get to see your handsome soldier again. That is, if the Empress doesn’t take him as her own.” Xiang sang the last part with glee.
Mei stopped glaring, “You don’t think she would do that do you?” She asked.
Xiang laughed so hard she almost fell off the wagon.

For some time I have been making parallel with Louis the 14th of France and Imu. Reason is that Louis the 14th:

• Centralized power into his hand and couple of ministers of economy and all that (Gorosei-Imu)
• Built Versaille which became center of the power in France (Mariejois lol)
• Rewarding nobles to keep them on leash (Just like Celestials can do whatever they want so that they stay complacent)
• Control of nobles, he made nobles to reside in Versaille and had them surveilled to limit uprisings (Like celestials living in mariejois being totally powerless army and individual influence wise against Imu-gorosei)

Tbh we can't give him all the credit as by his time nobility was already weakened but still he made big progress on that front for his lineage
Basically he was Imu of France lol and subsequent 2 monarchs were same way until French revolution
In 1085 we learned from Cobra that Imu was one of the 20 founding kings and yet we see her as 1 absolute monarch. So how did it happen? so far we know that kings wanted to be equal in power putting empty throne and swords. If that is true then... how? Some say there was a battle between 20 noble families and Imu came on top. (GOT style probably lol)
My theory is that it was pure political game, cold wamonarchy court style, that went on for maybe 100s of years all we know... until Imu eventually was able to subdue all the celestials, by making them complacent, giving them more comfort, more power over common people, slaves, lavish life for no work
Getting more and more of them on her side with promises, some blackmailing + strong alliance with some key nobles (ancestors of gorosei families), maybe some assassinations and other dirty biz too, etc... She weakened them... all we know it could have been her idea to move in Mariejois and she has been plotting all these even before war was over with ancient kingdom...
Her immortality greatly aided this quest to power as every competitor died off and newer generations, each time, had less power and experience to compete and all that. But I still assume at first she had tons of competitions even for 100-200+ years, so yeah she had to play her cards right
So Luffy's gonna be Robespierre and then Dragon will come and become Napoleon (this one is a joke lol I can't see Luffy behaving like Robespier Joy Guillotine boy)

Three days ago, my housemates were alive.
And I wasn't losing my fucking mind.
Three days ago, I awoke to my housemate, Misty, shaking me.
“Get up!!”
Misty was usually the last to roll out of bed out of all of us, so I figured it was something important. My housemate wouldn’t get out of bed for nothing. She valued her sleep—often comparing her bed to a safe haven. Her place of solitude. I was right there with her, until she startled me out of slumber. I opened my eyes to find her face roughly three inches from mine, her expression lit up with excitement I couldn’t justify this early in the morning.
She smelled of toothpaste breath and her raspberry scented body wash. Her thick black curls framing her face were still damp from what I presumed was a shower, hanging in tangled knots in front of wide, almost unseeing eyes. When I first met her, Misty Kang had been my crush for a while. With a Korean father and a Texan mother, she definitely caught eyes when we hung out. We had a thing in freshman year, which quickly fizzled out once we started living together. Never date your housemates.
I will just say that.
Over the last few years, Misty has become one of my closest friends.
When she knew I was at least conscious, my housemate was grabbing my arm and yanking me out of bed. “Get up!”
I was barely awake, and those were the only words I could fully distinguish.
I shooed her away for a moment and swung my legs out of bed, taking a minute to blink sunlight out of my eyes coming through the blinds. “Sam.” Misty was in front of me again.
I don’t think she understood the concept of being half asleep.
She wouldn’t leave me alone, waving her arms wildly. Her shadow under the soft morning light almost reminded me of one of those inflatable tube guys.
“Huh?” My voice was a low croak, and her smile widened.
“Guess who’s just scored tickets for an actual screening of the first five minutes of gameplay for the most anticipated game of the decade?”
“What?” Her string of words wasn’t making sense in my caffeine deprived mind. It just sounded like gibberish to me, initially.
Like we were in some cheesy commercial, she was the lead, and I was the confused NPC with the WTF expression. But when I went over it in my head, words started to slide together like a jigsaw puzzle. Misty didn’t get excited about video games. Well, she did. Though, my housemate was one to get excited on behalf of someone else. After living with her for a while now, I had concluded she was a follower.
By that, I mean whatever others thought or did or said, she copied it. If her Twitter followers were mad at bad takes, she would drop all of her own opinions on said follower and focus on what other people said. We had Korean barbecue for takeout the other day, and Misty clearly did not like it from the creased look on her face, and her very obviously spitting it politely into a napkin.
Jay, my other housemate, liked it.
And so did I. So, naturally, Misty announced she wanted more.
I had to watch her suffer through two more portions before she excused herself—presumably to throw up. Blinking at my housemate who was clearly excited for Jay, I resisted the overwhelming urge to roll my eyes.
“Slow down. What game? What are you talking about?”
I got out of bed and threw on my robe, half aware of the mess from last night on my desk. Another attempt to finish an essay which just wasn’t happening. The monster energy cans and takeout Chinese wrappers were embarrassing. I got a basic run-through as I headed downstairs with Misty right behind me, practically breathing down my neck. From what I understood, there was a Reddit post.
That was all I got from Misty’s squealing. She leapt down the stairs after me with a spring in her step. The clock above the front door told me it wasn’t even 9am. The smell of bacon, however, was quick to arise me from the dead.
Jay was in the kitchen making breakfast. I noticed his laptop was open on the table, and every so often he’d peer at it with wide, almost disbelieving eyes. Jay and Misty were complete opposites, which made them great people to live with. Jay was a quiet book who was slightly on the pretentious side, routinely quoting something philosophical to piss me off.
He had rich parents on the other side of the world, but the guy himself was fairly humble and had mostly detached himself from said family.
My housemate was usually well put together. In fact, I barely saw him in his pajamas, excluding game nights. That morning, however, he was a disheveled mess, still in yesterday’s clothes.
He offered me a grin. I glimpsed sauce from last night’s dinner still staining his chin. Jay hadn’t brushed his hair or even put on deodorant.
I caught a whiff of BO when he ducked in front of me, his gaze glued to his MacBook. It was rare when Jay ignored basic hygiene, so yeah, I was going to guess this was a pretty huge thing. “I did tell her not to wake you up, y’know.”
His slight aussie accent was always refreshing on a morning. Born in Australia and moving to the states when he was ten years old, Jay still had a slight tinge in his accent. I had seen pictures of his family, and the guy had definitely gotten most of his dad’s genes, thick brown hair, and freckles. While his dad was built like a pro wrestler however, Jay was leaner like his mom.
I shrugged. “I was already awake.”
“Liar.” He didn’t look away from his laptop.
Looking closer, I glimpsed the Reddit homepage.
“So, you have won something.”
Jay didn’t answer. I could tell he was excited by the way he could barely keep still, bustling around the kitchen, barefoot. “Coffee?”
His voice was more of a Misty-like squeak, and I half wondered for a moment if they had switched bodies, or he had at least become one with my other housemate through a chemical explosion. In our kitchen, which was yet to be cleaned after a cooking disaster several nights ago, I wouldn’t be surprised if something was living on the countertop. I nodded, slumping into a chair. “What’s going on? Why is Misty freaking out?” I nodded at his laptop. “She said you’ve won something?”
As if my housemate couldn’t hold it in anymore, he nodded, turning his screen towards me. “You know____, right?”
“Yes.” I sipped my coffee, eyeing a toaster strudel sitting on the countertop. "You mean the game which has been coming out for a decade."
He ignored that. “Well, what if I told you one of the developer’s posted on the official sub this morning?”
“For _____?"
He nodded with a grin, and I wondered it this was one of those rare times when Jay was blindly looking through a red flag to see what he wanted. I had heard of these types of scams, and Reddit was a breeding ground for them.
Gamers were pretty intense. I didn’t realize I was pulling a face until I caught his lips curving into a smile. Jay was usually the skeptical one.
“You don’t believe me.”
I downed my coffee to avoid replying. When I had drained the cup, he was still staring at me with amused eyes.
“What?”
“You think it’s bullshit.”
I shrugged. “You said it,” I said. “I’m pretty sure that game isn’t even partway through development. Didn’t Twitter leak a still last year? Also, they’ll be bringing out a new console before that game comes out.”
I leaned back in my chair. “It’s more of a pipe dream, at this point.”
“The leaks were fake,” Even he didn’t look sure. “Anyway, that’s not the point. One of the dev’s posted on the official sub this morning. He asked if we were all excited for the new game, asked if we could post some of our favorite NPC dialogue, and he’ll DM winners.”
“Uh-huh.” I nodded at the screen. I had already checked my phone for an internet meltdown concerning this post, but there was nothing. “And where is that post now?”
Jay didn’t look at me. “It was deleted. So it only reached a certain number of people.”
“Oh, it was deleted?” I couldn’t resist a smile. “What a coincidence.”
When I laughed, Jay scowled, showing me his screen—navigating his trackpad to his Reddit DM’s.
To my surprise, there was actually a message from what I guessed was a throw-away account.
While I was skim reading the DM, Misty hurried in, all dressed and ready for the day. I peeked at her outfit from Jay's laptop. Cute.
Extravagant, but cute. My housemate cranked the radio up before bouncing between us, a toaster strudel hanging out of her mouth.
Misty was a living animated character. Ignoring her wide smile, I turned back to the screen. “Congratulation!!” The DM started with capitals.
It took me reading it twice to realize there was a clear spelling mistake. I sent Jay a pointed look, but he was too busy practically vibrating with excitement. If the guy had any more caffeine, he was going to explode. “Since when did winning DM’s start with a typo?”
“I knew you were going to say that.” Jay curled his lip. “They were clearly excited when typing the message.”
“But this is supposedly an official,” I said. “Surely they would make sure it’s professional?”
My housemate didn’t reply, shooting a look at Misty, who rolled her eyes.
“Wow.” I squinted at the screen. “I am so sorry for caring about your safety. You do realize these types of scam’s usually end up with you being sold on the black market, right?”
I shuddered. “I’ve heard horror stories about underground markets specializing in illegal organ harvesting.”
“Or…” Jay’s eyes were glued to the screen. “You could be happy for me?”
I frowned at the rest of the message, which was just a capitalized freak-out about the upcoming release of the game, before inviting Jay (and a friend!) to a five-minute preview of gameplay, as well as a Q&A. There was a location and a time, which was brow-raising. “10 at night.” I said. “Who hosts a gaming convention at 10pm?” I leaned my chin on my fist. “Unless they wanted to lure as many gullible people as possible, and ship them to some organ harvesting factory on the other side of the world.”
Jay scoffed. “That’s dark.”
“You’re actually considering going to a 10pm gaming convention in the middle of nowhere. I’m trying to wake you up.”
Jay nudged me that time. “It’s real. Relax.”
“And.” I pointed to the screen. “No phones? Why would they ask you not to bring your phones?”
“To stop us filming content,” Misty sang. “Duh.”
I groaned, leaning back in my chair. “You’re on his side? This is clearly shady!” I didn’t get mad unless something was seriously pissing me off, and this was one of those times. Jay was a smart guy. There was no way he was falling for this bullshit. I thought he was joking around when he spent the day tracking the location on Google Maps. I went to class like normal and got updates through text. At lunch, Jay agreed with me and said it was in fact shady, and he wasn’t going. By afternoon classes, he was texting me in paragraphs explaining his own skepticism but had found several “friends” on an online forum who were also going and had changed his mind once again. The guy couldn’t make up his mind. He was driving me crazy.
Misty sent me several videos of Jay pacing the kitchen with his MacBook in his hands. She was broadcasting his mental breakdown via Instagram stories. But then she started to send me pictures of herself in different outfits, asking me for my opinion on each one. At that point, I turned my phone off. My housemates had lost their fucking minds. I did my own research though, just to make sure I wasn’t actually going to lose them to a shady cult.
I searched for the game itself, but just as I thought, it was shown as still in development. Every “update” was just fan speculation.
There were YouTube videos and TikTok’s of fake leaks, but nothing was real. It was either AI generated, or badly edited. By the time my classes had ended and I had turned my phone on, I had a barrage of missed calls and texts.
Most of them were from Misty with her outfit changes, and Jay changing his mind again.
This time he was convinced it was all a scam, his texts full of typos and crying emoji's which he never used. Before it hit me that Misty was most likely using his phone to text me.
I was right. When I walked through the door, I was greeted by both of them sitting on the stairs. Misty was scrolling through Jay’s phone, while the boy had his head in his hands. According to Misty’s last text, he was back to being excited to go.
From the look on his face, eyes shadowed with sleep circles, light brown curls slipping from under his hood, I wasn’t sure what Misty meant by “excited”. The guy looked the complete opposite. His mind had been consumed by the game, and the idea of seeing new content.
When I dropped my bag and folded my arms, fixing the two of them with my best disapproving parent look, Misty jumped to her feet. “Sam!” she waved Jay’s phone at me. “Did you get my texts? We’re actually going now!”
The 100+ texts on both messenger and iMessage said otherwise.
I nodded, my gaze on Jay. “Both of you do realize it’s a scam, right?” I softened my tone despite growing progressively more irritated. We were grown adults, not kids. I could understand a group of teenagers falling for it, but two twenty-three-year-olds?
This time, I ducked in front of Jay. “Hey.” I pulled down his hood, and he groaned, burying his head in his knees. “I don’t want to freak you out, so listen to me, okay?”
I exhaled out a breath. “I’m not saying something bad is going to happen to you, because it most likely won’t—and yes, I admit I’m being paranoid.” When he lifted his head, blinking through bedraggled curls, there was a faint smile on his lips. “But.” I said. “You are most likely going to end up disappointed. Which I don’t want, because you won't shut up about it for weeks."
I was only partly joking.
For a moment, I thought my housemate was going to wake up, and nod, laughing at how crazy it was.
Before shook his head and jumped up.
“I’m going to take a shower, alright? I should start getting ready."
I admit, I exploded at him.
We argued while he was in the shower, and I paced up and down the hallway, coming up with multiple reasons why he was definitely going to die, and only two positives if it was in fact real. In the end, I gave up worrying all together. I didn’t say anything when the two of them were hurrying around looking for shoes and missing car keys. I didn’t realize they were gone until the door was clanging shut, and a text was coming through. I didn’t look at it until an hour later, and I had calmed down.
Jay: 1h ago: Stop worrying, lmao. We’re good! I’ll keep my phone just in case. I’ll make sure to avoid the organ harvesting 😉
Another from Misty a few minutes later: “Love you! Chillll, kay? 😭😭 It’s going to be fun! I’ll take pics!”
…
Followed by: “Oh shit, we can’t. I’ll try to sneak some!"
Attached to the text was a photo of the two of them. Misty with a wide smile and a peace sign, and Jay who looked like he was mid-shout, his eyes on the road.
Those texts were… at least comforting, I guessed. Maybe they were right. I figured I was paranoid, and they in fact would really be okay.
But that didn’t stop the anxious coil in my gut when I tried to force down takeout pizza. I attempted to focus on my essay to distract myself, but I couldn’t stop glancing at my phone, and checking Twitter. There was a hashtag on the DM, which was just “PlayStationGO.” When I searched for it, however, nothing came up.
Sure, it was a private convention and only a select few knew about it, but nothing could escape Twitter.
Somewhere, someone must be talking about it. After scrolling through endless tweets though, I realized I was wrong. There was nothing.
That put a bad taste in my mouth.
10pm came, and I held my breath all the way through a Netflix TV show I was forcing myself to watch, half asleep, slumped at my desk.
I could barely distinguish the plot.
I just had a vague idea of the character names, and some of their motivations.
Midnight passed, and I was struggling to stay awake.
I glanced at my phone.
No messages, just a notification from Spotify reminding me my favorite band was playing nearby.
1am.
Still nothing. I fell back to sleep.
2:48am.
This time, I stayed awake for a few minutes glaring at my phone before my eyes grew heavy.
3:16: am.
My phone buzzed with a text from Jay, but I could barely desipher it: "can't feel help my head hurts Canshdhsn727272_6798mi/!! _&go home please. (Sent from: PlayStationGo™️ BETA)."
3:27: am.
3:54: am. I was wide awake, blinking at a notification which had popped up from an unknown number. I was trying to figure out what number it was, when my phone vibrated again and I almost jumped out of my skin.
After a moment of hesitation, I answered it.
I was trying so hard not to think of the possibility of it being the emergency room, or even worse, the cops.
All of my worst nightmares had come true in a single second.
“Hello?” I whispered in a croak.
“Are they in the house with you?” The stranger’s voice came through in a hiss of interference.
His words sent my mediocre dinner lurching back up my throat. “What?” I managed to get out. “Who?”
“Your friends.” He said, and I leapt to unsteady feet, my gut twisting and turning.
“No.” I found myself taking slow strides toward the window, brushing back the curtain and peering out into the night. “Why? Did something happen to them?” I paused.
“How did you get my number?”
“That does not matter.” His voice rattled in my ear as I rushed downstairs, almost stumbling down the bottom two. “I need you to get out of that house. Now. Get as far away as possible.”
I could hear his rapid breaths.
He was driving. I could hear the rumble of the engine. With my phone pressed to my ear, I obeyed his instructions, pulling open the door and stepping out into the cool night, a brisk breeze grazing my bare arms was just enough to stop my thoughts spiraling.
I was barefoot, in nothing but a robe, staggering down the driveway. The night was calm and silent; our neighborhood was asleep, each window drowned in darkness. I couldn’t breathe, my clammy fingers wrapped around my phone, as this stranger broke down over the phone. “Whatever you do,” he gasped out.
“Do not, I repeat DO NOT remove the PlayStationGo—shit!! He hissed out, static rattling the call. The guy seemingly got ahold of himself, and the wheel, and continued. I started to walk—where I was going, I had no idea.
The stranger lit a cigarette. I heard the click of a lighter and his exhalation of breath. “It was a BETA version, but we had to rush it. This was not my idea. My boss is a greedy man. He wanted to release the game last year, which would have meant widespread infection. Luckily, that did not happen. We did manage to delay it, but only by a year.” His words barely made sense to me as I struggled to get a word in, peering in the dark. “It was supposed to be a virtual experience of the game—a whole new angle of gameplay. But testing was difficult. First, on monkey’s, we lost multiple subjects. Tonight was supposed to be a…well, I guess you could call it out first attempt on human subjects,” his laugh was bitter. “I knew the tech wasn’t finished. And I tried. Believe me, I fucking tried. I tried to blow the whistle, but these bastards know where my parents live."
Something squirmed its way down my spine.
“So my friends were lab rats?” I said stiffly. “You used them?”
I fucking knew it.
I knew it was too good to be true.
“Yes and no. Listen to me, the people I work for are hunting them down. Trust me, I don’t want my bosses to find them because a life of experimentation will await them. Torture. Do you hear me? It does not matter if subjects fail. They don’t care. As long as there is at least a light at the end of the tunnel for them, they will see it as a win, and bring the publication date closer. They will not be treated as humans. Your friends signed a contract before trying out the tech, where the small print stated that, under section 3, player engagement, all subjects must agree to offer themselves as participants in later updates. I silently cursed Jay for always skipping the terms and conditions when buying games." The man stopped to breathe.
“I have told you multiple times, and I won’t say it again. Get as far away from that house as possible. I will take care of them. I will make sure of it." The sound of squealing engines, and I stopped power walking, coming to an abrupt stop. The silence of the night around me, compared to the sound of the highway he was on, traffic horns and the wind rushing through the window was an eerie contrast, a disturbance to the heavenly bubble we were trapped in.
“What do you mean ‘take care of them?” I had to swallow a yell. “Hey! What are you talking about?
“I’m sorry.” Was all he replied with. “I’m afraid it is too late. There was once an opportunity to save the mind during the initial level of the demonstration. However, once the PlaystationGo has been fully attached to the base of the subject, we no longer have control of it. Once integrating itself into the cerebral cortex, the PlayStationGo can only be removed by signing out of the player’s account,” his breath was heavy. “On this unfortunate occasion, however, your friends are unable to navigate the system due to a malfunction which scrambled their brains,” He trailed off. “Which has left them stranded in the game."
I let out a breath. “Right.” I said. “That’s.. bad. I mean, it’s a fucked-up piece of technology, but they’re just playing a game, right?”
There was a pause, before the man laughed.
“Young man, I don’t think you understand,” he said. “The PlayStationGo was created to give the player a full virtual experience of our game. The PlayStationGo is not a physical object. Created with nanotechnology, it attaches itself to the subject’s brain and is supposed to create a personal gaming experience for each player. As I said, however, it is not finished. It is yet to be released to the public, and of course, we are expecting certain ethical arguments due to the controversial—”
I pulled the phone away from my ear, shaking my head. I didn’t need to hear his attempts at trying to save his own skin.
“You need to help them,” I whispered. “Do you hear me? Can you do that? Can you help them?!”
“That is what I am trying to tell you,” He said.
“I know you are upset and confused, and believe me, I offer my apologies. But you need to listen to facts. During initial testing, our subjects were conscious enough to know where their home was. We are unsure why this happens, though we have linked it to territory, as well as the main character of the game heavily influencing their actions. I have been tracking them from the testing facility, and they are incredibly close. Please get as far away from there as possible. If you are no longer in the vicinity of the house, I can end this quickly and quietly before we gain attention.”
I wasn’t sure what I was going to say. Maybe start fucking screaming at him, because he was talking about getting “rid” of my friends, after their mistake.
“Do you understand me?” He said, when I couldn’t reply. “Your friends are lost causes!”
Before I could answer, though, headlights were suddenly coming around the corner, and I found myself paralysed to the spot. The car which swerved twice, crashed into several trash cans, before reversing and coming straight towards me, was not Jay’s car. Jay’s car was an old hunk of junk he’d gotten from a scrapyard. Jay’s car had doors which were practically hanging off, and a stereo which exclusively played either static gibberish, or old tapes I had no idea how to use. This car was bright yellow, and definitely had an option to drive itself. When the car came to a stop, inches from careening into me, I lost all control of myself.
I was vaguely aware of my phone slipping from my fingers and hitting the sidewalk. But I was too busy staring at the two shadows in the front of the car. The driver, and the passenger.
And the muffled screaming coming from the trunk.
When the door swung open, a figure stepping out, I did not recognise my housemate.
The stranger told me I wouldn't, but I didn't believe him.
Jay had left the house in casual jeans and a sweater, bearing the game's logo.
Now, I found myself face to face with a man with my housemate's face and features, his smile and eyes-- but something had been severed in his eyes and twisted in his expression. For one, Jay was wearing a suit I knew he couldn't afford, the sleeves torn, collar pulled open, smears of red staining the front.
His pants had cufflinks, and the Rolex on his wrist had definitely been pulled off someone's corpse.
The silver was stained a revealing scarlet. Drinking in his face, he looked like Jay. His curls hung in front of his eyes, freckles speckling his cheeks, but everything else wasn't. It wasn't until I was glimpsing what was moulded into the flesh of his hand, did I remember how to move. But then I was taking all of him in, everything my mind had intentionally skipped, because I didn't want to believe the stranger on the phone. Nanotechnology, the man had said in a hiss.
Fiction, I had thought.
Before I saw the reality of it, a writhing metallic like substance glued to the guy's temple, and slowly, very slowly, inching down his cheek, already forming around the bridge of his ear, a very faint blue light flickering.
Something must have alerted him. His cavernous eyes left mine, and he twisted his head—and I heard the sound of his neck snapping, his head lolling to the left slightly, his eyes flickering. I watched his whole body seem to sway back and forth, ready to fall forwards.
Before the newly formed device on his ear turned red, then green.
It was almost like he was… rebooting. As if coming back to life, Jay lifted his head at an awkward angle, before looking straight through me. The blood vessels in his eyes had popped, rivulets of red beading down his face. He should have been dead, I thought. No. No, he was dead. That… that thing was keeping him alive. “Well, shiiiittt,” he said. I could sense the game dialogue which had taken over him, forming on his mangled tongue.
“I’m a man on a mission.”
In jerking movements, he turned and marched back towards the car, opening the door, and sliding into the front seat.
I remembered how to move, ducking to grab my phone, before something slammed into the back of my head—and I saw stars.
I didn’t remember hitting the floor, only the soft sound of her voice, a seductive murmur repeating NPC dialogue, and her kitten heel sticking into my spine, forcing me onto my face.
Misty. I was expecting her to get it over with. But when she dragged me to my feet, sticking the barrel of a gun into the flesh of my neck—I figured she was still playing the game.
Twisting around to meet her eyes, lifeless and empty, only filled with light from the device which had taken over half of her face, I felt sick to my stomach. This thing wasn’t a games console or a virtual reality headset.
It was an attempt at coercing and programming something you already don’t understand, to do something impossible.
I could see that in the way the things had visibly chewed and eaten through her flesh, devouring her from the inside and out. I could see what was left of the dress she had worn earlier, but something must have gone wrong with her too. Because Misty had thrown on another outfit over the top, a diamond necklace hanging from her neck.
I caught a thin river of red pooling down her right temple, trying to ignore the twitchy way she moved, just like a character. From the way Misty walked, stumbling, I already knew she was gone. My housemate had newly acquired strength, throwing me in the trunk of the car where three other hostages were, and slamming it shut on my attempts to reason with her. She didn’t tie me up or restrain me.
In the dim light I could just make out though passing streetlights, I could see the trunk opened from the inside. Which was too easy.
Still though, Jay was driving recklessly, and every time I tried to throw the damn thing open, I was knocked backwards, rolling into a screaming girl, who was bound by her hands and feet. It took me multiple attempts before I had the trunk open, freezing cold air blasting me in the face. I untied the other hostages, but when I told them to come with me, they just stared blankly at me, and continued begging for their lives—and it only took me glimpsing what was attached to their temples, a familiar writhing metal plate, for me to understand. They too were playing the game. This time, as NPC hostages.
I found myself gingerly touching the trembling metallic flesh of the girl's fingers bound in rope. It had a slimy consistency, and I swore, I felt something bite into me.
No way, I thought.
This thing was sentient, yes. But it wasn't living.
Listen, I wish I could tell you what it was like to jump out of a moving car, but I can’t.
I remember it as lunging out of the trunk, hitting the freezing cold air, before hitting the ground head first, neutron star collisions exploding in the backs of my eyes.
What I do remember is waking up on the side of the road. Hours later. The sky was bright blue, a scorching sun blinding me when I managed to force my eyes open.
The early morning rush hour flew by as normal, and I wondered how ignorant American people had to be to ignore someone knocked out on the side of the road.
It’s not like I was nowhere near civilization. There was a fucking Subway right next to me.
When I had gathered myself, I remembered I had no phone. I couldn’t go home in fear of running into my rogue housemates playing their own fucked up version of _____ in their head. My plan was to try and find my phone, get in contact with the stranger who blew the whistle on my friends being dangerous, and find them. They couldn’t be far., right? And even if they weren’t themselves… someone would be able to save them.
If someone could do this to them, surely they could reverse it.
I felt sick, tired, and I was starving.
So, with some loose cash I’d found in my pocket, I bought a Subway and a Coke.
The woman at the counter smiled widely at me. She leaned forward, with a wink. “Nice cosplay!”
Cosplay?
I didn’t understand what she meant until I swore I felt something… move its way up my pant leg. I ignored it, and it happened again, this time it felt like something was… biting.
A bug, maybe? I had been laying on the side of the road for around six hours.
When I went to the bathroom, though, I found myself staring at an all too familiar glint of silver creeping its way across my temple. Like it was sentient, parts of it sider webbed towards my ear while the rest writhed into my hairline.
I pulled up my pant leg again, and there it was, a fungus-like metal substance which had already formed in two solid metal masses on my knees. I remember grazing two fingers across the thing beginning its slow feast of my flesh. I remember trying to pull it off, hissing in pain when I risked ripping off my own skin with it. I remember shaking my head and being in denial, even when the lights dimmed above me, and the bathroom door in front of me became more of a shadow. When I strode back through the Subway store, I began to see slight flickers of light above each person, highlighting something not quite there yet.
I could see it already starting, beginning to take over my thoughts. Cars which sped past were suddenly highlighted, and at the corner of my eye, if I concentrated, the outline of a map was starting to appear. Even now, when the room is almost completely taken over by shadow, and my thoughts are half my own, and half not—when a metallic device is beginning to form over my eyes—I know if I hold on, this thing won’t take me. I have considered killing myself, but that wouldn’t… be right.
How could I kill myself when there is so much left to do?
This developer was right. I don’t even know where I can sign out. There’s what looks like the beginning of some kind of index when I look up, but it’s not… finished. I can still see entangled pieces of code struggling to load what I’m guessing was log out. Whatever this thing is, it’s taking over me. Fast. Like a fungus, like a virus, it will not stop until it’s dragged me into the game, until it's leeched itself onto me.
I can feel it happening right now. It's been slow.
Almost painfully slow.
But maybe that is the point. Maybe part of the game is to feel my own thoughts beginning to unravel in favor of something else entirely.
Fuck.
Time is going by…. Fast.
Five minutes ago… I was trying to get home. But I can’t remember where I live.
I can’t concentrate.
I can’t think straight.
I have a phone—but I don’t know how I got it. Did I steal it?
Every time I move, the slowly emerging map comes to life at the corner of my eye jerks with my movement. There is a car parked nearby.
I know it belongs to the man with a child.
But a confusing blur of light is highlighting it to be something of importance. Reality is crashing in front of me, replaced with contorting shapes and bursts of color I have to blink through.
I keep hearing... sirens.
Jay is messaging me.
On what, I'm not sure.
But I need to find him.
I’m sure one mission won’t hurt, right?

My sister died 14 months ago. She lived with my mom, who has not been in her right mind ever since. A process server handed my mom a debt-collection lawsuit the other day and I'm not sure how to handle it. Only my sister is named. We never did anything about my sister's "estate," since she has no assets aside from a ton of trash and dirty clothes in her bedroom. No savings. No retirement. No property. No car. No jewelry. I'm told that hiring a lawyer to work on this will cost $2,500+, but my mom lives on social security and I'm struggling to make ends meet. What should we do?

Okay, I've been around Reddit for a decade. Finally joined 7 years ago- have so much anxiety about posting that I only have 70 karma. I'd promise I'm not a troll, but isn't that what trolls do? Anxiety be damned the results I'm seeing from keto are so life changing that I feel compelled to post if it helps another person in my position. (This is not medical advice, I'm not a doctor, common sense rules and of course you should be in charge of your medical care and work with your medical team.)
I'm a 39 year old mom of 4- 2 of my children have special needs. I have narcolepsy, EDS, POTS, IBS, Lipedema, MCAS, and a slew of other autoimmune issues. My energy is so low- my cortisol sky high, I was getting insulin resistent. After trying traditional meds to "fix" problems and not having success, but having more health problems develop I turned to more natural methods over the years. I have a lot of supplements, tried all organic, plant based, AIP, so many different diets. My BMR was so low. I was eating 1100 calories a day and gaining weight- I got up to 205 lbs on a 5'6" frame. I still go to my primary care doctor who has been supportive of more natural remedies. I haven't bridged the keto subject with him, but I think the results will speak for themselves.
With all the reading I did on my health problems there were signs pointing to keto. They didn't come from mainstream medicine, but keto kept coming up. I tried once about 5 years ago, but didn't make it through the "keto flu" period. I couldn't function and had too many demands on my time to keep up with my kids/work etc... This time before trying I found the group here and did a lot of reading. I learned that "keto flu" is an electrolyte imbalance. Due to POTS I have tons of electrolyte options and salt tablets on hand. Reading so many experiences and tips from real people gave me the motivation to try again.
I bought the "pee sticks" even though I know they're not the end all be all, they let me know my body was doing something besides feeling worse. After a few days I learned to manage my electrolytes better. Now I can address it before it gets bad.
In the 7 weeks that I've been in ketosis I've lost nearly 20 lbs. That is a huge win for me. I know a lot of it was water weight because I'd always go up and down the same 6-8 lbs. every couple of days. It's staying off now, and I can see the swelling, inflammation, and now fat starting to melt away. As a vain person that is a huge win, but the increases in my health are the real story.
After the first couple of weeks I have been able to go through most days without laying down to rest. I haven't thrown up once from chronic pain. The pain levels are down 40%. I'm hoping to see an improvement in sleep soon. The brain fog is lighter. I'm still not a "normal healthy" person, but I can't expect to undo nearly 4 decades in a few weeks.
Possible TMI, but for the first time in a decade I haven't been dealing with IBS issues. Having regular solid stools is something I never expected. There have been a couple of days where I've eaten something that's thrown me back into it- now I'm learning things to avoid, as opposed to that being my norm.
It is amazing to not be hungry all of the time. My sleep doctor told me that due to narcolepsy, and because the part of the brain that craves sleep and the part that craves food are so close together, it's normal to constantly feel hungry with my disorder. It was somewhat true- I'd feel hungry, but also nauseated most of the time, and a lot of the time I felt worse after eating. Now eating is in the background. There is no panic feeling about finding something to eat and hoping it doesn't make me feel worse.
I'm probably still doing "dirty keto." I haven't tracked everything and am using allulose, and monkfruit sweetener in things I bake. I still have a hard time eating a lot of meat, but for now nuts, cheese, and when I feel like eating meat, are doing a great job providing satiation. I'll often have a homemade creme brulée for breakfast- with berries for the topping. So it's heavy cream, egg yolk, a little allulose, and the berries. I eat until I'm full- sometimes it's just a few bites, sometimes all of it. I make almond floupeanut buttedutch pressed cocoa powder cookies, and almond flour cheese crackers for a quick snack. Lunch is often a salad with cheese, and a full fat dressing. I add meat in if it sounds good. It's amazing how little sweetener it takes for things to taste "sweet" now. I aim for 20-25 net carbs a day. Most days I'm not hungry for dinner. If I am I eat something that fits. I pretty much grain free at this point, but it wasn't even a goal when I started. I can tell if something I eat makes me feel yucky now, and it's easy to avoid it without feeling like I'm depriving myself.
If/when I plateau or feel poorly I'll track and adapt. The beautiful thing is that I feel my energy and mental clarity getting to place where I'm capable of doing that.
Food is beyond secondary to living now. When I feel hunger- real hunger I'll eat something. There is no need to clean my plate, my body tells me when it is full.
I thought I'd never feel well again. I have hope now. I also am excited to see the changes that this diet can have for my kids. The brain and body need fat and protein.
I was so scared of eating fat. I always thought, "I am fat, I can't eat fat! Everyone says how bad fat is!" Don't let the fear hold you back. I know it is so hard to look at changing your diet when you have no energy and constant brain fog- you don't have to make it too complicated. You deserve to feel better.
Thank you so much to everyone in this group who has taken time to share, and help others like me get their life back.

First/Previous
As the first rays of morning light peeked through the tattered blinds, Jack slowly opened his eyes, groaning slightly as he rolled out of bed on reflex and began his pushups. Lowering himself down and pressing himself up again like it was second nature to him, Jack slowly woke up and took stock. He felt a little more relaxed and well rested than normal, an unusual but welcome change from the nightmares and poor sleep he had gotten used to. But whether it was his time spent relaxing and watching films with the others the previous night or just sheer exhaustion finally catching up to him, he wasn't sure.
Regardless, Jack checked the time, the system of which Sephy had gone through with him a few times. Measurement systems were quite finicky here, but after just over a week of waking up in similar fashion Jack saw that the numbers looked similar to all the previous nights, and when he stopped a moment to listen, he couldn’t hear anybody else moving about. Even Dante was still asleep, and Jack was pleased to see that the ‘dog’ was breathing a bit better. Whatever Rayle had done seemed to work, though he’d still search for the nearest vet just in case Dante got this way again.
Tiptoeing across the room Jack quickly changed into some exercise clothes and grabbed his towel from where it was dumped on the floor from the previous day. This was a routine he had very rarely ever compromised on ever since he arrived in this realm, and like clockwork Jack tiptoed down the stairs and poured himself a drink of cold tea from the pot, downing it quickly before carefully opening the door to outside. Rayle was still asleep, resting their body on the natural ground to take advantage of their Druidic powers to slowly heal as they slept, but the two opossum-like Screediips, Thulu and Stega poked their heads out nervously to stare at Jack as he crept his way down the long-abandoned ancient road to the district wall. The only sounds were a few small birds fluttering well above him, and the soft thuds of his feet dragging themselves to the starting line.
Pulling out the display for his commlink was always a hassle for Jack ever time he tried, but he was getting better, correctly selecting the music app, clicking on the ‘workout’ tag and hitting ‘random’ with only a few errors or missclicks. As the heavy bass kicked in, beginning a strange combination of what sounding like a cross between death metal and yodelling, Jack started his warm up, his legs feeling stiff and barely functional until he got into a rhythm and soon began running without a problem.
It was about an hour before Jack wound down, seeing that Rayle had gotten up from their spot and left the back door open. So, finishing his workout he lightly jogged over, slipping through and seeing Nika awkwardly make another pot of tea.
“Wish I could have joined you.” The Kizun sighed. “Still sore but at least I’ll be able to come to school with you guys, no way am I gonna risk getting in detention, so it looks like I’m gonna try and tough it out.”
“Hey, you shouldn’t feel pressured to go if you’re hurt!” Jack cautioned. “We know a bunch of people that definitely won’t be able to come in, surely they won’t hand out detentions after a crisis?”
“They have before.” Rayle shook their head as they handed Jack a mug of water, which he downed greedily. “Glad I woke up in time, if it wasn’t for that Lifestone of yours I would probably still be in a coma.”
“Yeah about that.” that reminded Jack. “How are you holding up Rayle?”
“Much better!” The Squa’Kaar smiled nervously. “My connection to the earth is much stronger here, so I’ll be fine! I feel bad for those that lack the ability though…”
“Yeah, if it’s all the same with you Rayle I prefer sleeping in my room instead of freezing my ass outside.” Nika snorted.
“We always have the Lesser Lifestone?” Jack questioned. “Are you able to use that and get better?”
“You have a point.” Nika smiled. “But I’ll wait for the others to get up first, they probably need it more.”
“Doubt it.” Jack shrugged, “You’re hurt the most, you might as well get patched up otherwise you’re gonna have me worried all day.”
“Alright.” Nika smiled unsurely. “I’ll talk to Alora, you go have a shower before you stink up the place!”
“Heh, alright.” Jack sighed as he quickly made his way upstairs.
Once he left, Nika immediately reached into one of her pockets, frantically pulling out her bottle of pills. Quickly taking one, she gave the bottle a shake and sighed when she realised she was getting low. She had been taking pills to throw off her heat cycle more regularly now Jack was living with them, and times like these when he was either helping her with something or just straight up worried about her really set her off.
“You should stop fighting it.” Rayle pointed out from where she was curled up on the sofa sipping her tea, still wrapped up in the blanket they had taken outside while Nika gave her a look. “It’s not healthy to fight against an important aspect of your nature, why not just give in to it?”
“No.” Nika sighed before elaborating. “I mean, yeah I’ve thought about it but I honestly don’t think I’m anywhere near ready for that kind of stuff yet and I don’t think Jack is either. Besides, it’s not debilitating and the pills usually last a while. It’s just one of those things I’ll need to get used to.”
“Will it have any long-term effects?” the Druid asked curiously.
“Um…I don’t think so.” Nika shrugged. “My people have been using these since before our recorded history, ever since we no longer needed to rapidly spread, and there doesn’t seem to be any kind of built-up resistance over the generations. Buying these is the real problem though. My people are quite spread out amongst known and probably unknown space too, but finding a regular supplier can be a real pain sometimes even on the Ring. I’ll be alright. I usually am...”
*****
Jack’s body was still glistening with sweat from his run as he entered the bathroom and locked the door. Quickly shucking his clothes off and turning on the water, he waited for it to warm up a little bit before stepping in. As the hot water cascaded down his body he let out a sigh of relief as he washed away the grime, before leaning back against the cubicle wall and allowing a moment of relaxation before he knew he would have to walk into whatever shitshow awaited the group today.
He was brought back from his thoughts when the shower made a slight stuttering sound, prompting him to quickly turn it off and wrap a towel around him. Walking over to the sink and looking into the old, cracked mirror, he inspected the telltale signs of hair growing above his top lip. He hadn’t really been taught to shave before his arrival, because he hadn’t needed to learn yet, but Jack didn’t really like the idea of starting to grow a moustache or a beard at his age. Reaching into the bag he brought in with him he pulled out a knife he had been using for this purpose for the last week or so, which he kept reasonably sharpened. Though he didn’t know if there was any shaving cream or anything sold that could help protect his skin and make the process a little quicker and less stress-free, he still proceeded regardless, carefully running the blade up and down…
He quickly looked around as without warning, the door opened to reveal Vanya, who looked at him in a panic as he nicked his skin with the blade.
“No!” She yelled as she rushed over to him. “What are you doing!”
“Woah wait! Vanya! Calm down!” Jack tried to wave her off in confusion as she grabbed the arm holding the knife, allowing her to take it from him as he just stood there baffled, as she cast a quick healing spell on him.
Wait? Did she think he was…
“Hey.” Jack calmly put his hands on Vanya’s trembling arms. “That wasn’t what you thought it was, I’m not checking out just yet.”
‘At least never like that, since I’m a fucking coward…’ Jack thought to himself. “You okay Vanya?”
“Um…I’m sorry, I…” Vanya began, and had to take a few moments to calm herself down, breathing deeply in and out as a coping mechanism. “I’m sorry Jack.” She started again. “In the moment I didn’t know what you were doing and I thought the worst.”
“Nah, it’s fine.” Jack tried to give her a reassuring smile, knowing that he must have inadvertently triggered something in the rabbit-like girl. “I was just doing guy stuff, didn’t mean to spook you. How did you even get in if I locked the door?”
“I don’t know, I just turned it as normal and it opened, it might be broken.” She motioned to the long-cracked mirror. “Just like a bunch of other things, you guys mentioned you needed to do some home repairs.”
“Yeah.” Jack sighed, though realistically he didn’t feel bad about it. It was something more normal that he had an aptitude for, as he often helped his father and his brothers around the house with chores on the weekends. “Something might be off with the plumbing or something too, the shower was sputtering a bit towards the end but I wasn’t actually using it for that long.”
“Yeah I think Alora mentioned having the occasional utility problems when guests are over, I’m guessing it might be more problematic now there’s more people living here for the foreseeable future.” Vanya sighed. “I hope there’s enough for me.”
“There should be. If not then maybe Zayle can help with their water spirit?” Jack grinned, before suddenly realising something. “Um…mind getting off me and letting me get changed first?”
“Oh! Sorry!” Vanya panicked as she quickly moved back, freeing the towel around Jack’s waist to fall to the ground…
“Oh…” The Chuna just about got out with wide eyes, before Jack took the initiative and gently manhandled her out of the room, shutting the door behind him.
Quickly finishing his shave and getting dressed Jack waved the embarrassed Vanya in, who had pulled out her small handbag, somehow managing to yank out a fully folded school uniform for the day. Jack guessed it was something similar to the extra-dimensional wicker basket the Squa’Kaar twins had used to store most of their belongings. Heading downstairs, Jack was happy to see that the rest of the household was awake in various states of lucidity. Nika was wide awake and eating breakfast with Alora, who was a little tired but otherwise coping. Chiyo and the Squa’Kaar were sitting on the sofa catching the headlines while Sephy was still looking tired browsing her commlink.
“You’ve got some more bounties on you Jack.” Sephy cautioned. “But nowhere near as bad as last week, probably not gonna be a problem.”
“Who has he pissed off now?” Nika asked curiously.
“Actually it’s all of us.” Sephy shrugged. “Apparently the Ogar clan the Laird belonged to seeks a Weregild for his death. They either weren’t able to put up much or just don’t give a shit and put up a token amount that satisfies their tradition. We’ve also got some anonymous accounts freshly made that are bumping Jack up again…”
“Malakiel?” Jack asked, worried.
“Nah. It’s gotta be related to the Klowns. They’ve tagged a bunch of people, all prominent people that are publicly known to have had a hand in fighting off the Klowns. You, Luvia, Svaarti, Devil’s Daughter, and everyone’s favourite asshole Svaartal are up there, but the amounts are spread fairly evenly. Oh hey! Mr Sparrel’s here too! And holy crap, so is Master Kull!”
“How are the Klowns able to post bounties?” Zayle asked in confusion as their earth spirit lumbered over and brought over a tray of tea.
“Because it isn’t them themselves actually doing it.” Nika pointed out. “It’s all the crazies actually backing them on the datanet that want to see everything burn. The damn simps!”
The Cult of Jingubash is likely involved too. Chiyo added. They are known to exist but they’re treated the same as the Cult of the Destroyer. The Klowns are their public force, but there are many worshippers that hide in the shadows and keep their allegiances well hidden. They’re not believed to be organised in the way cultists of the Destroyer usually are, but they’re still very dangerous.
“Good to know.” Jack shrugged. “At least I’m one of many, any bounty hunters I should know about?”
“Nope.” Sephy smiled. “You’re all clear on the public list, but that doesn’t mean hunters aren’t coming after you, or they just haven't announced it publicly yet.”
“Yeah, when you’re known to have done a public service for the city, people tend to frown on those that want to mess with you.” Nika grinned as the conversation ended, with Jack quickly accepting the breakfast Zayle made for him as he watched the news, with Rayle occasionally skipping the more boring stories.
“...dire news as people are still being recovered from this scene of devastation…”
“..The CEO of Corvin Enterprises has threatened to hunt down and expel all ‘peasants’ from the newly annexed district…”
“It is currently unknown what occurred at the Pallid Pit, however Drow involvement in cleansing it is speculated to be the likely cause…”
“Red Legion forces have been pushed back from the Taurin Sector, causing many to wonder - Is the Red Legion on the brink of defeat?”
“....it is unknown if this is a possible sign of a new Nascent Demon Lord awakening on Hive Station Bastilla, but local factions are investigating….”
“Local rangers have confirmed a mass-migration of many Zorn tribes heading westward into the unexplored wilderness. The reason for this is unknown…”
“We have Breaking News!” A cheery avian female suddenly popped up on the screen. She was in a large hall amidst a crowd of journalists with a podium and lectern combo at the end. “I am reporting live from Cocaine Keep, where local warlord Commander Cocaine has called a press conference in light of the apparent death of Devil’s Daughter…oh! Looks like he’s about to speak!”
The camera zoomed in on a large biped walking to the podium. With greenish grey skin and several bone plates protecting their maw, the mean-looking, aquatic-looking warrior was wearing a full set of lithe combat armour that hugged his large frame, with an oversized pair of goggles and a plain white bandana.
“Ooooh yeah!” The warrior roared intensely, shutting up the crowd instantly as he posed with bulging muscles for the cameras as his voice echoed throughout the hall. “I’ve heard the news, yeah! I’ve seen the Klowns, yeah! I’ve smelled the chaos, yeah! And I sense the cries of the people for a hero, yeah! SO COMMANDER COCAINE WILL ANSWER! OOOOH YEAH!”
In the views of the cameras, Jack could see the front rows of journalists start to back away, almost as if they were afraid of the volatile warlord doing something crazy.
Jack couldn’t blame them.
“Yeah! I know you’re all feeling scared and alone out there, yeah! I know things are bad, yeah!” The lunatic continued, with energetic motions towards the stunned crowd. “But let me tell you people something. Commander Cocaine may not be the biggest or strongest there is, but I’ve got heart! I’ve got spirit! And I’ve got lots of cocaine! Ooooh yeah!”
He made several poses with his muscles bulging beneath his armour before he concluded his speech.
”You know who I am, but just in case you don’t, I am Commander Cocaine, and I am the hero this city needs! Anyone with an active bounty better watch out, because Commander Cocaine is coming! OOOOH YEAH!”
With that he strutted off as several reporters from the front row tried to ask him some questions.
“Well, we just heard from Commander Cocaine, who has just sworn to be the hero this city needs!” The reporter started after regaining their composure. “If you want to aid him, you can join the Cocaine Crusaders at the following…”
That’s enough crazy for me right now. Chiyo interrupted as she used her powers to call the remote to her and changed the channel.
“Heh, check this out!” Sephy suddenly cackled. “Svaartal’s got a fat bounty on him, probably from fans of Devil’s Daughter!”
“I hope Devil’s Daughter is okay…” Alora spoke up sadly, causing Sephy to calm down. “We may be partially responsible for what happened…”
“No, Devil’s Daughter made her choice using the information we gave her, we couldn’t have predicted what she would do with it.” Nika reasoned. “And we’re totally going for that bounty, right? We still owe Svaartal a receipt for coming after Jack last week, it’ll be the perfect time to get him if we all work together to take him down.”
“You forget that he’s aligned himself with a powerful Drow House!” Alora chided her. “Who we really want to shake off! As good as we are, we cannot stand against them if we give them greater cause to seek our destruction!”
“They came for us already!” Sephy pointed out. “How could it be worse? Besides, we can take them!”
“It could be a lot worse!” Alora cautioned. “And not only are the Drow Nobles powerful individually, they have a powerful force backing them. There’s a reason why they are a major faction here! You’d risk putting all of us in massive danger!”
“Svaartal has to separate from them at some point.” Nika reasoned. “What do you think Jack?”
“I don’t want to go after him.” Jack immediately replied, truthfully. “But if he gives me a good reason to, I'll face him again. However, if he leaves us alone, we can leave him alone.”
“Well, that’s decided.” Alora sighed in relief. “We haven’t got too much time before we need to go, so let’s all hurry up and get ready!”
As they all hustled and did what they needed to do, Nika sat down on the sofa already ready, unhappy with the decision on Svaartal. He was a dangerous threat to the group, and after his ambush on them she knew he had to be taken out before he had a chance to come for them again. She had tried to take him out during the Klown attack when everyone else was safe and nobody was looking, without success. But here, there was an opportunity to take him out for good without getting their own hands dirty.
Logging in to one of her proxy accounts, Nika bumped up Svaartal’s bounty some more, making it that much more lucrative….
‘Shouldn’t have tried to kill Jack, asshole.’ She thought to herself with a sly smile.
*****
The queues to the school entrance checkpoints were shorter than usual due to the Klown attack, but not depressingly so. Several of the students were talking to each other while they waited in line as they looked up and down the rows in hopes of seeing their friends. To Jack’s mind, many seemed relieved that there weren’t as many victims as they had expected, and the realisation that he played a major part in saving a lot of his fellow students around him during the attack gave him a warm feeling in the back of his mind.
Unfortunately, said good thoughts evaporated when they got closer to the prefects.
“Halt!” One of the Korrigan prefects ordered the group as they approached. “Due to increased security measures you will submit to a full pat down. Failure to comply will result in your immediate termination.”
“Heh, as if they could take us.” Sephy grinned to the others as she was surprisingly the first to volunteer, though Jack had no doubt the sneaky Skritta had ways of hiding what she didn’t want to be seen.
“You two, come this way.” The head prefect observing their queue told Jack and Alora as they moved separately to be searched.
“What have you got hidden here?” the Prefect narrowed his eyes at Jack as they neared the end of their check. It had been quite thorough but he hadn’t given the Prefects a hard time because of it. He could understand the need for additional security in light of the Klown attack, but he wished they weren’t so heavy handed…
“Those are my balls.” Jack squirmed away. “Handle with care, or preferably not at all!”
“Yeah only we get to do that!” Sephy grinned as Jack sputtered in shock.
“You may go.” The Prefect told him. “Actually…wait a moment.”
“Is there a problem?” Jack asked warily, not wanting to be given any grief by these guys.
“I…” the grey-skinned Prefect began before they found their words. “I want to thank you and your friends for what you did at the party, many of my friends and colleagues are still alive because of you.”
“I…that’s alright, I just did what I could to help.” Jack replied, abruptly taken aback by the words. As bad as the Prefects could be, they were still people.
As the rest of the group made it past the checkpoint to head to the lifts, Jack groaned internally as he saw several drow waiting for them up ahead. If looks alone could kill, Izadora was certainly trying as she snarled at the human, who grinned defiantly in return while wearing the shades he had picked up from one of the two Drow Nobles that had attacked him during their raid on the Pallid Pit. The two brothers, Soren and Kravel, were nearby dealing with the checkpoint, but Jack could see they had clocked their group’s arrival.
The huge drow was there too, close to Izadora, and casually leaning against the entry staircase looking bored. Another smaller drow was there who he didn’t immediately recognise, wasn’t she with Soren when the drow came to pick up Svaarti? She certainly stood out from the crowd; despite the slim, athletic build similar to most of the other Drow, Jack could see several school uniform violations, with the thin, high collared black leather-like jacket, with interwoven silvery circuitry that appeared functional being the most blatant, and several dyed strands of light purple amongst her naturally white long hair.
And finally, Svaartal himself. Standing at attention, he was leaning on the staff of Devil’s Daughter, and staring right at him.
“Someone’s chasing clout with that staff.” Nika growled, keeping her hands ready to draw weapons, ignoring the pain of movement as she put on an air of confidence.
“Let’s try not to escalate this if we can.” Alora cautioned.
“You.” Izadora growled under her breath, and the Eladrie sighed resignedly.
“Hey there!” Jack grinned widely, as he gave the Drow Matriarch a friendly wave while many students stopped to watch the exchange, knowing what had happened the last time. “How was your weekend?” He mocked, though he kept up the friendly facade.
“Better than yours I suspect.” She snarled back. “I’m surprised you’re alive, Outsider.”
“Wait, what?” The unknown Drow with them perked up, looking baffled, turning around to stare at Izadora, as Jack saw the traces of several neon circuitry designs peek up from the collar of her school uniform. “This is the guy that kicked your ass and got you all worked up, sister? He doesn’t look so tough to me! My mech could totally wreck him, shame the High Matriarch said no!”
Jack didn’t think the foul expression of Izadora couldn’t get worse, but he was almost amused to see that he was quite wrong. Both Svaartal and the huge drow covered their smirks as the Matriarch rounded on who was apparently her sister, even as the unusual Drow waltzed closer to Jack, peering at him with a curious expression. Nika immediately had her shotgun levelled at their head as Chiyo drew in her power, ready to lash out.
“What?” The strange drow rolled her eyes at the girls as she stopped. “I haven’t even done anything yet!”
“Dextra.” Izadora snapped with gritted teeth. “Satisfy your foolish curiosity another time.”
“You talk too much for a humiliated Matriarch trying to save face.” Sephy chipped in with her ricocheting plasma pistols pointed at the ground, though Jack knew from the angle that she had subtly taken aim at Izadora. “Jack kicked your ass right here, and we took out your special forces at the Pallid Pit!”
“I will make you…” Izadora snarled, before they were interrupted by a familiar, cool voice.
“Izadora, what is the reason you are accosting this group of students?” Rena called out, as she approached the crowd, and Jack was surprised and glad to see Nya trailing gingerly behind her, staring at Svaartal’s newly acquired staff. “It appears that you are holding up the flow of traffic.”
“I am simply ensuring that they know the rules, Rena.” Izadora dismissed. “I-”
“I doubt it.” Rena snapped, unamused. “Your duties are done here, I have been instructed to tell you to report to Mr Zhiel’s office immediately before class.”
Izadora grumbled but ultimately complied, while Svaartal and Dextra slinked away. Only the large one remained behind, looking at Rena almost amusedly as she gave orders to the students to disperse, before he finally turned lazily and slunk up the stairs, but not before subtly looking at Jack for just a tiny moment with a thin smirk.
“I would suggest you all go to your form classes, as there have been several changes in light of the Killer Klown’s attack. I will however address you about this incident later.” Rena sternly told their group, as Alora gently pulled Jack away, quietly pleading with him not to start any trouble, despite the human’s wish to chase after and attack Izadora again, and to give Rena some backtalk.
“Jack, did you really have to wear those shades you looted from the Mal’Kar’s around their surviving family?” The Eladrie sighed disapprovingly as they left the area.
“Yep!” He grinned as they made their way to the lifts.
“Totally worth it…”
*****
First/Previous
OOOOOOOOOOOOOH YEAH! COMMANDER COCAINE IS COMING!
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1. Logic system overhaul/improvements. Current system is tedious and a pain to do, even for relatively small builds. Even just having the ability to filter out logic points that are already connected would greatly improve the system across the board, ideally an advanced filter system would be added, such as creating groups, filtering parts, etc. The need to not only use but also create microcontrollers for instrument panels feels excessive and unnecessary. Simplifying panels, or giving the option of a simplified instrument panel that does not need to use a microcontroller, would go far in decreasing the games barrier to entry.
   
2. Built in GPS maps. The fact that this game does not have a built in GPS map, like those tom tom gps map things you see on older cars is absurd when career mode’s map doesn’t show where you are on the map. And before anyone says that it’s “realistic”, if fishing boats in the Bering Sea can have a GPS map during rough weather, I see no reason why a SAR vehicle wouldn’t have such basic equipment. The current career mode’s starter boat is kinda useless at the starting base for this reason, there aren’t many landmarks out in the ocean, and I shouldn’t have to use the workshop just to make the base boat functional.
   
3. Radio console. A simple premade radio console with knobs and such would also be nice and simplify a decent amount of logic.
   
4. Custom window, wedge, and pyramid dimensions and/or more of these blocks in general, and make them more customizable (ie changing the windows color to green or putting designs on wedges and pyramids)
   
5. Small boats keep water out, don’t need a closed volume to be buoyant
   
6. Sails
   
7. 18th century weaponry
   
8. Life rafts
   
9. Emergency inflatable slides (for planes)
   
10. Gliding
    
11. Oars
    
12. Premade vehicles for every basic need you have in game. There should be basic, cheap, premade cars/trucks, boats, etc that can fulfill most of everything you would need to do in game. Nothing particularly fancy, just simple builds that can easily supplanted by custom creations that can serve as references for your own builds or be stopgap measures until you build replacements.
    
13. Search and Recovery. Unfortunately, not every SAR operation is successful. Missions about recovering remains would be nice and can add a decent bit of variety. For example, maybe a hiker found a body in a hard to reach place in the mountains, and because of that an offroad vehicle or aircraft is needed to get there, diving on a wreck to recover remains, or recovering a car from a lake. Other missions could also be diving for investigation critical components, such as black boxes or voyage data recorders, or even specific components that investigators want to find.
    
14. More in depth rescue/injury mechanics. Stuff like sprained ankles, injuries, pregnancy status, health conditions, etc, requiring different things to heal/stabilize. This would also add a sense of urgency to each SAR mission, as now you can’t solve/delay everything by throwing a first aid kit at it. Maybe the local hospital doesn’t have the facilities to treat a time sensitive, so you have to transport the patient to a bigger hospital. Dealing with things like hyperthermia would also be nice.
    
15. Boat materials (wood/metal/polymer)
    
16. Amenities and furniture in general.
    
17. Logging industry
    
18. Fishing industry
    
19. Debris
    
20. Other SAR teams/companies to have a presence in the world and are able to be called upon if needed.
    
21. Nuclear reactor disaster
    
22. More variety and depth for SAR missions, such as an aircraft ditching in the harbor, an aircraft going missing and having to search for it, recovering lifeboats, a nuclear powered ship sinking and having to deal with the radiation, chemical tankers releasing toxic chemicals into the water, sinking an adrift vessel, stopping an illegal salvage operation etc. A cool idea would be to add in the possibility for major accidents to happen, such as a cruise ship capsizing, a nuclear powered ship sinking, or a military aircraft armed with a nuclear warhead being lost over the ocean. Another cool idea would be to add interviews with accident investigation teams after some accidents, such as when a ship sinks because of poor maintenance about what you saw. Obviously, the interviews should only occur for more major accidents and when the player could actually have relevant information. There could also be complications for missions, such as the ship still moving and unable to be stopped, the whole crew is incapacitated, etc.
    
23. In the same vein as no 22, an overhaul of Search And Destroy as it pertains to the overworld would also be nice. Instead of simply having an AI that fights the player, how about having 2 major factions that fight each other, the local military and an invading military, with the option of creating your own faction to take over the islands. This would differ from the previous system by making it so that you would complete orders issued to you, such as patrolling a specific area, engaging a fleet, mining or demining a waterway, etc. At first, you start out doing gruntwork, but as you move up in rank the more you can do, such as sending grunts to do the gruntwork for you. You could also give the option for the player to make their own faction Another thing that could be added are pirates and pirate gameplay. SAD could also add in new missions and disasters, such as disarming mines from the second world war, serial killers, hijacking attempts, a fire at a munitions dump, etc. You can have a lot of fun in regards to disasters and special missions too, such as cleaning up a munitions dumping ground (like what the Norwegian military did, dumping thousands of tons of munitions into a river) or a sunken supply ship detonating (like that one off the coast of England) and dealing with the after effects of that.
    
24. Hiring AI to do things for you, such as a doctor to administer medical assistance to survivors, a captain to drive a boat, SAR divers to recover people from the sea for you, etc.
    
25. Passenger playstyle. Ferrying passengers around feels like a logical next step in the game, with factors such as reliability, how fast you can get to destinations, feats (ie having the fastest passenger ferry in the world even if it does not operate at that speed regularly or having the biggest ferry, etc), price per ticket, amenities(free or paid movie theatre, comfy seats, concession stands, is the interior a comfortable temperature, is there a barbershop and if so is it any good, etc) and necessities (do you have enough seats, is there a bathroom, do you have enough life preservers, if it’s overnight, do you have any beds etc). Options to run excursions with famous or historic ships, simple cruises/excursions to places around the islands would be nice too.
    
26. Expansion of delivery and miner playstyles. Expansion of these playstyles, such as hiring AI to do parts of the job, either as employees or contracting out another company to, say, transport coal from your mine to the powerplant would go a long way to fleshing out these playstyles. You can even have the option to do smuggling runs of illegal or illicit goods. Smaller deliveries that can be handled with a van, or doing mail runs would be cool as well as oversized delivery missions. Increasing the variety of cargo to transport, such as transporting locomotives and/or cars for export would be cool.
    
27. Terminal loading cranes.
    
28. A R&D mode which would allow for quick and easy analysis of a creation where you get raw numbers on a ship’s current tilt, balance, engine performance, etc with the ability to easily change the weather and conditions of the environment and easily switch to build mode.
    
29. Shipwrights. The idea here would be to overhaul building mechanics as it relates to career mode. Instead of being able to instantly build everything, how you can modify your vessel is limited to what your facilities can do. To get a brand-new ship, you would have to commission it from a shipwright. Before commission, you would have access to R&D mode to fully test out the vessal. Where the fun part really begins is that you can have an entire playstyle built around receiving commissions for ships by the AI (or even other players) for a desired vessel within x specifications at a cost of x amount for x amount of vessels within x timeframe with a bedroom made out of 50% windows at a height of x feet, or even upgrade/modify preexisting vessels as part of a commission or to flip on the market, buying older vessels of varying states and giving them a new lease on life. How many ships you can produce at a given time would depend on your facilities, which can be upgraded. Of course, there would be aircraft and land vehicle equivalents. You can even see the ships you produced doing their job in the world.
    
30. Salvaging. Another playstyle that I feel would be a next step for Stormworks would be salvaging vessels either for scrap, refurbish them for resale, restoration into a museum piece, or simply to clear a waterway. You could even give the option to illegally salvage shipwrecks.
    
31. Survey missions
    
32. Survival suits
    
33. Crabbing
    
34. Flooding disaster
    
35. Hurricane and super storm disasters
    
36. Air conditioning
    
37. Other ships coming to assist vessels in distress.
    
38. Tropical islands
    
39. Blimps, zepplins, and hot air balloons.
    
40. Naming vehicles
    
41. Rogue waves
    
42. Supernatural phenomenon. My idea for this is that you would have two categories of phenomenon, explicable and inexplicable. Explicable phenomena would be phenomena that have scientific explanations for them, things such as ghost lights with scientific explanations behind them, maybe have some missions where you disprove the supernatural. Having everything be explicable, however, can be underwhelming so actual supernatural phenomena, such as fleshgaits (especially with SAR being the core theme of Stormworks), ghost ships, or alien encounters, especially if mechanics, such as SAR, are incorporated in it. Like, imagine a seemingly normal SAR mission turning out to be the rescue of aliens from a crashed spaceship and you have to transport them to a drop off point where the MiB is waiting, or a mission where you first set out to debunk the supernatural to then be assailed by the flying dutchman.
    
43. More doors, buttons, ladders, stairs and hatches (ie: a traditional house door, car doors, glass hatches, etc)
    
44. Panels that can be used as signs or “hatches” for otherwise external equipment (ie in order to access a fire extinguisher you have to open a hatch first, im sure there is a better word for it but I can’t think of it)
    
45. Moonpools
    
46. Pools
    
47. More buildable/modifiable properties, especially for terminals. Could be expanded with the ability to flip properties.
    
48. Races
    
49. Competing manufacturers of equipment and engines that have varying strengths and weaknesses that improve as time goes. This would also make the game more accessible by giving new players the ability to easily access better engines while also rewarding those who learn how modular engines work by allowing them to jump ahead of the AI. Perhaps a system where you can lease or even produce your own engine designs could be implemented to further reward and encourage using modular engines.
    
50. If the game becomes comprehensive enough, the ability to change which era you play in (1700s, 1800s, 1940s, etc) would be a really cool addition by adding in technological challenges of older eras. Additionally, there could be supernatural phenomena that isekai vehicles to and from different time periods, which could add in a whole variety of interesting missions and challenges.
    
51. Built-in couplers for trains
    
52. Wind having an effect on the player (exiting an aircraft and standing on its wing should result in you being yeeted off the aircraft)
    
53. Pressurization
    
54. Ingame tutorials like what From The Depths has
    
55. A better openworld, NPCs, and RP experiences. The world of Stormworks feels very much dead, which is a shame because that is it’s biggest selling point for me over other building games like simple planes. It gives a reason for all the vehicles being built beyond simply being cool, you can actually DO things with it. I would recommend solving this by:
    
56. Create actual population centers. Not huge cities, but small towns dotted across the islands with actual businesses and populations would go a long way to improving the game world, maybe have one or two cities on the island itself so we can do stuff with skyscrapers.
    
57. Global traffic of personal, commercial, and government boats, aircrafts and land vehicles would go a long way to making the world feel less empty. Having npcs use a dedicated radio channel for chatter, and which you can interact with them through would be great. This traffic responds to ingame events, for example increased outgoing road traffic when a disaster is about to hit
    
58. More realistic roads
    
59. Navigation signs, buoys, etc
    
60. NPCs operating gas stations, bridges, and industries in general.
    
61. Relating to one, make NPCs not only interactable beyond being glorified money bags, but also interact with their environment. Such as trying to move away from fires, calling for help when they see a vehicle, moving towards a stopped SAR vehicle and climbing aboard, getting inside a vehicle of their own volition or swimming to shore when they are literally meters away instead of staying in the water and/or burning boat. Having NPCs interact with the player as well would also be great, such as thanking you for saving their lives, buying the player a beer as thanks if they meet in a bar, etc would be nice. Ideally, there would be a number of persistent npcs who have names, personalities and backstories. Such as Joe, an old sea captain who’s vessel is painted pink in memory of his 6 year old daughter who disappeared, and, if he thinks his vessel is about to sink, will desire to go down with the ship and be resistant to his personal rescue.
    
62. Consequences for your actions visible in game. For example, if a casualty becomes a fatality, there is a funeral service held at the graveyard.
    
63. NPCs having varying fluencies in English
    
64. Missions with storylines attached to them, such as an archaeologist searching for Atlantis, or a group of sailors looking to raise the cargo ship they worked on after it sunk.
    
65. Radio music channels
    
66. TV channels, can also have a gameplay effect through amenities
    
67. Newspaper with an obituary, some fluff news stories, generic articles, state of the economy, ships launched, details regarding the SAR missions you did or didn’t do, in game events, etc.
    
68. Unmarked missions, for example lets say Captain Joe’s ship sinks, but Joe survives. Joe is depressed, but if you go out of your way to salvage and repair Joe’s ship and give it back to him he will be happy.
    
69. NPC backstories being more then just a text in a box, perhaps a mission leads to you finding Captain Joe’s daughter, alive or dead leading to either a heart warming reunion or somber closure.
    
70. News interviews
    
71. Points of interest, such as abandoned buildings, natural wonders, historical locations, museums, heritage railroads, businesses etc with lore surrounding them and special missions for that location. For example, lets say there is a hot air balloon tour operation. There would be a few special missions pertaining to hot air balloons in that location. Or for the heritage railroad, their engineer called in sick so they need someone to fill in for the day.
    
72. Flavor for missions, for example maybe a family of four reported in the burning boat and watch you put out the fires
    
73. NPCs react like real people in the sense of physiological reactions, such as grieving, becoming frozen in shock, mental breakdowns etc.
    
74. All disasters have effects (when applicable) in the overworld, such as destroyed homes, ships transported inland, etc. Having missions pertaining to the aftermath, such as removing large debris from roads and tracks to recovering missing persons.
    
75. Visual deterioration of abandoned/sunk/crashed vehicles
    
76. NPCs may try to take advantage of disasters, such as by robbing people on a sinking ship, looting buildings after a disaster, etc
    
77. NPCs may panic and act irrationally when in a disaster, such as taking life jackets away from women and children, releasing lifeboats/liferafts early, etc
    
78. Skills and attributes, such as consoling, leadership, physical fitness, bartering, etc
    

That’s my wishlist for now. I know it’s a lot, and some of it may seem to be a bit much, but I don’t think any single thing is out of the realm of reasonable possibility. The biggest appeal of Stormworks, at least to me, over competitors such as Simpleplanes is that there is a purpose behind what you build. I think that if Stormworks were to expand on RPG elements it would not only greatly elevate the game as is, but also expand the audience while enhancing the core experience.

Hi everyone,
Thanks for all the amazing questions you’ve submitted for our Q&A with Assistant Game Director, Adam Whiting. We’re delighted to have received so many. So many, in fact, that we couldn’t possibly have taken so much of Adam’s time to answer them all – maybe we’ll have to do a part two one day soon.
We sat down with Adam this week and got some answers for you. We’re sure you’ll be happy with what Adam did manage to answer; he’s really gone above and beyond for this one.
Here’s a few words from Adam:

“I really appreciate all the kind words for the studio, we’ll be sure to share them with the rest of the team. It was also nice to see some familiar faces from over the years – thank you for remembering me and saying hello! It’s always a pleasure interacting with our wonderful community, and we look forward to doing more things like this in the future.”

And with that, we’ll dive into the Q&A. Enjoy!
/EVERYWHERE Community Team

Life as an Assistant Game Director at Build A Rocket Boy

Q: Hi Adam! Thank you for participating in this, it's so great to see the relationship Build A Rocket Boy has established with the community!

• What are your daily tasks as Assistant Game Director, and what would you say is the aspect of game development that you give the most importance to? (Game mechanics, narrative, visuals...)
• What are your favourite games and how do you think they influenced you when working on EVERYWHERE oand MindsEye?

Keep being awesome! – From u/NestorSite
A: Well, thanks to you as well NestorSite, it’s exciting for me to get to talk to you all about what we have been working on (finally!) and we really care about our community and are delighted to get to share more info.
As Assistant Game Director my day can vary greatly, and each day presents new challenges and opportunities to help progress the project. Primarily in Game Direction we are ensuring that all the teams are aligned on the bigger picture and goals of the project. Historically, this has been working mostly with Design on the core game mechanics and systems, but now we are at a point where a lot of the design work is complete, its more about checking progress, playing the game every day, and making sure everything is trending correctly.
It's hard to pick an area that is most important as what makes games development special is how it’s a convergence point for most of the artistic and engineering disciplines we know of, and all of them contribute to the whole, so they are all equally important (plus I would hate for any of our teams to feel like I had any favourites 😉). That being said, games are primarily meant to be fun, so I am particularly passionate about the core mechanics. We want our players to have a great time in EVERYWHERE and MindsEye – though each of these have their own specific requirements that present interesting challenges and drive all our departments to push the boundaries of their respective areas of expertise.
I’ve given a lengthy answer about my favourite games elsewhere so I’ll try and keep this short and point you in the direction of that, what I would say though is that generally we don’t look at other games in particular when working on the design of EVERYWHERE though it’s impossible not to be influenced by the things you have enjoyed (such is the nature of art).
Q: Hey Adam! Could you tell us what is the most challenging task you had to face in the last few years? – u/Gab1024
A: Hey Gab, thanks for your question!
One of the biggest challenges we’ve faced throughout the project has been building the team – building an exciting, ambitious, and new type of project is a huge challenge but building the company in tandem has been very tough as we’ve always aimed to bring the quality talent that the project requires. That can be tough when you are trying to attract talented devs, who, in many cases, can choose where they work. They are often choosing between established studios and established projects which can be very tempting. However, we’ve been very fortunate and have built a team of very talented and experienced devs (with a healthy dose of people fresh to the industry) who are really delivering on the ambitions of the project, and we are all excited for you all to see and play the game as soon as possible.
Personally, one big challenge for me was the whole Gamescom experience – I never thought I’d find myself on stage with Geoff and talking in front of so many people, especially having grown up watching countless game announcements and reveals, it was both terrifying and extremely exciting though pretty far from my natural environment behind a PC in a studio 😊
Q: Hiya, I’m curious if you started out in another role in the gaming industry that led to being a Director? - Thanks, u/voodoolady94 xx
A: Hey voodoolady – unsure if your name is a Ween or Hendrix reference but either way, I like the handle!
I started in the industry, as many people did, in Quality Assurance. QA is a fantastic starting point for two reasons; Firstly, it isn’t a role that requires a lot of specialised experience to get started. In fact, one of the key things we are always looking for with new QA roles is a passion for gaming, strong attention to detail and good communication skills – don’t get me wrong it can be very intense and challenging working in QA but if you have a genuine passion for making games it can be highly enjoyable and rewarding working in part of a team that is so intrinsic to releasing any quality project. Secondly, everything in every game needs some form of QA support – meaning that you are exposed to every department/facet of games development which can be really useful for finding what you like and what you are good at. Often you can naturally progress into a more specialised role that can lead to moving to another team entirely (or becoming a stalwart experienced QA that will always be in demand within the industry) – there are countless examples I can think of from across my career where people have gone from QA into writing, AI coding, concept art, audio design – pretty much every department has someone within it that started in QA.
My personal journey was rising through the ranks of QA to a QA Supervisor and then moving towards Production before eventually moving to Game Direction – and I’m honestly still learning and growing every day as I get to interact with truly exceptional and talented people who are each extremely knowledgeable and experienced in their own areas. Each interaction is an opportunity to learn and grow, and if you approach the industry with that spirit, you will definitely do well.
Q: How hard is it to turn your game ideas into reality with the help of developers, how do you explain to them what's on your head in terms of game direction? – Thanks, u/vassirbl. From Morocco.
A: Hey vassirbl, thanks for taking part!
This is a really interesting question and one that is hard to answer directly as it depends on the idea – some things can require just a few lines of code, some can require multiple teams working in tandem to bring it to life – and that is part of the challenge with games development, something that seems quite straight forward might be really challenging to manifest. On the flipside, sometimes something that may seem to be really complicated and taxing can actually be done very quickly and efficiently.
The thing I’d say about this is that having ideas is one thing, everyone has ideas and I believe everyone is creative, but in a position like games direction it isn’t always about throwing around big ideas – you need to have a vision for what you are wanting to make and achieve and you need to ensure that your ideas are in service of that vision and are supplementing/augmenting/enhancing the direction of the game. You aren’t always making a game for yourself and your own niche interests, you are in service of the vision and trying to ensure that there is congruence between what is going into the game and what the game is trying to achieve.
In terms of explaining things that can often be more straight forward than it might seem, you are interacting with people who aren’t just gamers, they have made gaming their passion/vocation so you are speaking about the game in a similar way to when speaking to a friend about a game you are both playing together – and generally if the idea is good then it's going to generate some excitement. Then you are in an ideation process where the person you are talking to, often someone who is passionate about an areas of games development (their discipline), will then have some suggestions for flourishes and tweaks that can help improve the idea. This is really important because you want the game to be as good as it can be, and there is no silver bullet that magically makes a game feel special, fun or unique, normally its countless little tweaks and adjustments and suggestions from everywhere within the studio that create the end result which hopefully is something that feels like it has been made with love, care and attention. You can’t fake that or even articulate what it is that makes a game feel like that, but you feel it when you play a great game and that is what we are always striving to achieve.
Q: I was waiting for this because I'm on the mailing list. I appreciate this. Hello Adam. I guess my question is what is one of your favourite things about being an Assistant Gaming Director at Build A Rocket Boy? – u/EducationalCook9570
A: Thanks for signing up, EducationalCook, really pleased to get to answer your question so thanks for taking part.
It’s really hard to pick one particular thing but over the years I’ve been asked some variation of this question and my answer generally is the same – it's getting to work with such an amazing team of wonderful and talented people who are giving their all in service of the same common goal – making EVERYWHERE and MindsEye the best possible game(s) they can be.
When I was growing up gaming was still a bit of a niche hobby so anyone I met that was a gamer was instantly a friend, someone I could share my passion with, and now I get to spend most of my time with people like that – it's truly a blessing and I feel fortunate every day I get to interact with all of my wonderful colleagues.
Q: Howdy Adam! Most people will ask about the game, but for a Q&A it's really about the person. So here are my questions.

• Were there moments where the development struggled? If so, how did this affect you?
• Now the last ones might be too personal buuuut, is pineapple on pizza justifiable?

Thx in advance for answering these questions. I really hope you do. – u/MikaStr0L
A: Hey MikaStr0L, thanks for your question(s)!
I wouldn’t say there were any parts where development struggled but along the way there are always challenges to overcome, the main one for us was building a company at the same time of building a brand new and exciting project.
Generally speaking though, if things aren’t going quite as planned I try not to let it bother me – though that can of course be hard when you feel very personally invested in something – but I’ve found that it doesn’t help to let the negative feeling linger and instead try and push on, games development – like life in general – doesn’t always go according to plan but you just have to focus on solutions and moving forward and not let things hold you back. If you can do something about an issue, then deal with it and fix it, if you can’t do anything about it then move on and try not to let the negatives/setbacks hold back progress in other areas.
Now the truly important question… I must admit that I am not a fan of pineapple on pizza, although I do like pineapple generally, I’m more of a pepperoni kind of guy 😊
Q: Hey Adam, first, let me say I admire the work you all do a lot. Not only you guys at BARB, but also in the whole industry. I'm really looking forward to getting my hands on MindsEye and EVERYWHERE.

• Working within the QA part for many years, was it difficult the transition to a different role? Would you say it was a positive change?
• Do you think EVERYWHERE and other games/experiences with a similar concept are the future of gaming?

Thank you and I hope you keep succeeding at your career, can't wait to play both projects’ you guys have been working on. 💙 – u/Fabry06
A: Hi Fabry, thanks for taking part and for your kind words and sentiments. I’ll start by saying that I also admire the work that takes place industry wide – the games industry is full of amazing and talented people who are all helping to further this artform we all whole dear forward, and I believe we are only just now realising the potential that video games can achieve.
I would say that transitioning from QA to another role felt very natural, even in my current position I’m still playing the game all the time and entering bugs, they might not be as well written as they once were but once you’ve cultivated a QA mindset it is not easy to turn off (this can make me a very boring person to watch play in my spare time as I’m always poking and prodding games to see what might happen…). I would say it was also a positive change for me personally but everyone's path in the industry is different and you kind of move with the tides and get swept up in a project and who knows where you end up within it – I always took the approach of wanting to be helpful/productive/useful in furthering the ambitions of the studio and the project and have always been happy to do that regardless of what that entails (in the very early days I was building PCs and writing design docs as well as doing QA work, whatever was required).
I do think that EVERYWHERE is a new type of project, but one that isn’t entirely unfamiliar, there are probably aspects that you recognise and some that are a bit different, I think the way everything ‘fits together’ is quite elegant and hasn’t been done before. The industry in general though is continuously evolving and I think that’s what makes it an exciting thing to be a part of. I do feel that the way people are consuming entertainment has fundamentally changed within the past decade and I believe that EVERYWHERE is a reflection of that – perhaps games in general are a bit to beholden to established paradigms and ways of doing things in ways that I think we aren’t.

About EVERYWHERE and MindsEye

Q: What is the inspiration to create EVERYWHERE and MindsEye, and why did you decide to make them two different games? – u/Zgangstas
A: Hi Zgangstas, thanks for your question.
This is a really interesting question and I think this is part of the magic of games development, when you are ideating/experimenting in the early stages of a project you can happen upon some magic that can alter the way you approach things, even if the vision has remained the same throughout perhaps the way to achieve it evolves.
I think that one of the main things we always wanted to do was create a space where players were in control, where they could be who they want to be and have the experiences that they wanted to have – but then as experienced game devs there is a natural inclination towards curating an immersive experience that captivates and enthrals players – this was a tricky thing to balance and trade off and I think ultimately it lead us to our current path.
EVERYWHERE is a space where players are in control, where they can build, share, compete, and explore in numerous different ways – and MindsEye is where we can construct an immersive and cinematic experience – with shared DNA between the two so we aren’t reinventing the wheel constantly, and we are at the place where we are now where work on one project is benefitting the other and vice versa.
So, I guess the true answer is that they both demanded to be different game organically through the course of development and we pay attention to what the game is telling us and let that guide us.
Q: Hi Adam, there’s the audience that fantasize on stylized and cartoonish games and the ones that are focused on realistic, story-driven experiences. How challenging is it to deliver the best game as possible to both audiences, and how confident do you feel about the shape those two games are in? – u/Treyboss2001
A: Thanks for your question Treyboss.
I think as you say there are probably distinct audiences for both, some that prefer or only enjoy one style or the other, but there are others (like me!) who enjoy both stylised and realistic games – often depending on my mood.
It may seem challenging to be constantly shifting gears between them both but ultimately, it’s more natural than it may seem. They have very distinctive and different requirements and demands that make decisions intuitive – though careful thought and consideration is required for each.
However, the way we think about it internally is that we get to have our cake and eat it, we aren’t locked in to one style or gameplay type, which can be fun and refreshing – perhaps you hit a creative roadblock with one and you can move on to the other and come back with a fresh perspective to the original issue you were having. Projects of this scale can often take many years to make so not being too locked in to just one thing is a blessing.
In terms of the progress we are making, I have to say that I am constantly delighted – either one project is delivering something new and wonderful or the other one is (often both at the same time!). Now we are getting to show people them both for the first time I’m truly humbled by the very positive reactions we are receiving.
Q: Hello Adam from the Build A Rocket Boy team. What was the original plan when EVERYWHERE was being developed in lumberyard engine and back when yah were using the lumberyard engine what were the challenges and roadblocks?
Keep being awesome Adam. - u/Lonelyfades
A: Thank you Lonelyfades, I will do my best!
I think back when we first started with this project the industry was quite different, the game engine landscape in particular was very different. We always had lofty ambitions for this project and at the time Lumberyard seemed to be the only engine that could deliver what we needed to even scratch the surface of what we wanted to accomplish. Since then, things have progressed somewhat and now we are in UE5. I believe UE5 is clearly the cutting-edge technology that we need in order to deliver the best possible results.
That is the strange thing with life and games development, sometimes an old decision was the correct one at the time even if it is not correct for right now, and even things as disruptive as engine swapping is ultimately worth it if it unlocks the creative potential you are aspiring towards.
I think this is ultimately a tribute to our core strength as a developer which is our unwillingness to compromise, we are eager to undertake difficult or even painful changes if it helps move the needle closer to where we want it to be.
Q: Hi Adam, so something I was confused about, is EVERYWHERE and MindsEye the same game? Or is it a game within a game? – u/Jozza141
A: Jozza thanks for asking your question and I am happy to try and relieve your confusion.
EVERYWHERE and MindsEye are distinctly different, but also inextricably linked. One way to think about it is that EVERYWHERE is ultimately a platform for games, entertainment, and different types of fun – and MindsEye is a story-driven, action-adventure game that could reasonably exist on its own but is enriched and elevated by its connection to a larger social space. A connection that I believe is deep and meaningful. The possibilities are endless and there’s so much to share, but we will reveal more when we are ready.
Q: Both u/iPeluche and u/Bobby_Boy301 had some questions about PC vs Console release. Why has BARB opted for the separate release between PC and Console. And does this mean Console won’t get the same treatment as PC after release?
A: I don’t think we are completely locked into this type of approach; we want to do that which makes the most sense for both projects whilst also working within the constraints of their paradigms.
PC is certainly a very open and creatively liberating space in which to operate, sometimes key innovations in gaming take place on PC because of its open nature and I think this is an example of that.
Rest assured we are passionate about both PC and Console development, and we would always aim to ensure parity between both releases of either project – platform holders permitting.
With all that being said, I would look forward to future announcements as we are very pragmatic as a company and always move forward in a direction that makes sense both for us and for our players.

Advice for aspiring Game Developers

Q: Ok, ok, here goes:
What advice do you have for those aspiring to pursue a career in game development?
What excites you the most in terms of future game development and where do you think the industry is headed? – u/RazorDarkness
A: Thanks for your question RazorDarkness.
My biggest advice for anyone trying to pursue a career in games development is to always remain humble, this is the cross section for all the artistic and engineering disciplines we have in media, as such it is impossible to be an expert at all things. You are always going to be working in a team and you are always going to be relying on your peers to achieve whatever it is you set out to achieve. So always keep your eyes and ears open and try to absorb as much knowledge and information as you can so you never stop learning. The moment you think you know it all is the moment you become a dinosaur and you will be immediately surpassed.
My second big piece of advice is to never lose sight of why you are making games in the first place – I often keep some mementos on my desk from favourite games and things that inspired me as a child to keep me grounded, as even on the hardest of days I can take a step back and realise that I’m getting to do something that I’ve loved my entire life and despite its difficulties my overriding feeling is always gratitude that I’m even able to earn a living doing something I love.
Q: Hello Adam!
First, I really hope you and your team are getting enough sleep after all the hard work you guys put into these projects. I just want to say on behalf of the EVERYWHERE & MindsEye Community, we really appreciate all of you that are involved with these two major projects, and also sending much support to every single one of you on this journey!
But my question is ... Where do you see yourself, the team, and everyone over at BARB in the next 10 years after both games are officially out? – u/TheRealRocketBoy
A: Well thank you TheRealRocketBoy – your support and encouragement means a lot, excited for you to get to enjoy the fruits of our labours!
This is a great question – I see us still working on this project, both aspects of what we are doing have far reaching plans and if all they all work out, we’ll still be working on both – and we aim that this will be in tandem with our community and players.
What things will look like at that point though I have no idea, EVERYWHERE in particular isn’t the kind of game we want to prescribe to people, it's something we want to further improve and refine in collaboration with our players – indeed the launch of EVERYWHERE will truly just be the beginning and I know that the creativity of gamers will always thrill and surprise so I think we are going to go on a wild ride together and I can’t wait to see where we end up.
MindsEye on the other hand… well who knows where in space or time we may be with that story by that point… I could write down on a piece of paper now a phrase for where MindsEye will be in year 10 and whilst it would almost certainly hold true, how we get there, and the specifics would surprise even me, I’m sure!
Q: Hey Adam, appreciate you taking the time to do this Q&A!
You have a great name! I may have a bias though as I'm also an Adam. In my spare time I've been creating a game design document for a game I'd love to create. This document has been growing and expanding over the past couple years. Ideally, I have aspirations of becoming a creative director for a development studio but have no experience working in the gaming industry (I'm a project manager in the residential construction industry).
Given your experience in the industry and your current position as BARB's Assistant Game Director, what advice would you give someone such as myself about how I may go about potentially pitching my design documentation to a studio and ultimately becoming a creative director? Do you personally feel as though people aspiring to become involved in the gaming industry need to start in an entry level position? Or perhaps there are alternative pathways to achieving such goals?
Thank you! Well wishes to you and everyone at BARB! – u/EndgameEmporium
A: Hey EndgameEmporium!
I admire your enthusiasm and you clearly have a passion for games which is something you want to hold on to as it will always keep you right and steer you correctly.
That being said I think there are two ways to head in if you want to be a creative director – firstly you can go down the studio route – however keep in mind that games are big expensive things to make, and it would be pretty remarkable for someone to have an idea so strong that a studio would trust in and fund it. Generally speaking I think going down this path would require you joining a studio and working your way up, and in particular showing a willingness to work towards someone else’s vision and showing that you can see the big picture when it comes to games development, then you will get creative opportunities with an established project or studio to show what you can do and from there more and more creative freedom until you are able to pitch your idea. With that path you may very well find that working with other creative brief’s and visions can be both challenging and rewarding, as essentially they are ‘creative restraints’ you are operating within and learning to work within these restraints will teach you how to be economical and efficient with your designs and ideas (sometimes a good idea can cost millions of dollars and sometimes a great idea can be brought to life with existing resources, the latter is where the magic really is, and will make you very popular to work with!).
The second path to take would be to try and build out a vertical slice or gameplay prototype or concept yourself, with that I would try and refine your idea to its core components, understand what things fundamentally you need for another person to be able to experience or understand your idea, and go from there. If anything, EVERYWHERE might be the perfect thing for you as empowering the great creative minds of the next generation is something we are very passionate about and you may be able to bring your idea to life with ARC-ADIA.

Emerging Technologies in Gaming

Q: u/Main-Department9806 and u/Dirty_Worka had some interesting questions about AI. Adam, as AI learning and functionality accelerates, what’s your read on the level of disruption we should expect with regards to game development? And do you think we can leverage AI such as ChatGPT into games, for example, so that NPC’s dialogue could be vast and ever changing?
A: I think that AI is going to fundamentally change the way in which we interact with the world and each other, it's going to be a transformative technology over the coming years and every industry and sector will feel it.
In terms of game development, we can see how this might play out already, things like ChatGPT etc. will streamline and accelerate the game development process exponentially – this should hopefully lower the costs and requirements for making larger projects. This could mean many more larger and ambitious games that are taking more risks emerge as they won’t be as expensive and time consuming to create – instead of a lot of talent being funnelled in to a few large studios and creators it will allow us to go back to an older style of games development where a small team with a big idea has some chance of bringing it to fruition without having to compromise on the scope/scale.
From the consumer perspective yes, I think we will soon have realistic interactions with NPCs where we can really build deeper and more personal connections with the characters we interact with in these virtual worlds, possibly even allowing us to alter how events and stories may play out, maybe in the future the way I play a story driven game may yield entirely different results and a different ending to how your story may finish – and maybe these aren’t just branching paths but completely different forks in the road we are creating dynamically – maybe then watching each other player story games has value beyond the personality/skill of the person playing.
I think this something that games developers have always wanted to have access to, a future where we can create entire worlds that feel unique to the individual because the way you are experiencing it is unique to you, in the same way that each of our journeys through life are unique and different even though we all inhabit the same world within the same physical universe.

Off-Topic

Q: Hey Adam, first I would like to thank you and the team for the great effort on EVERYWHERE and we can't wait to play what you're working on.
Second, my question is what's your favourite game (or games) of all time (excluding games you worked on). - u/Punisher_27
A: Firstly, thank you for your kind words, Punisher!
Secondly, what a fun question! I’m going to end up kicking myself later when I realise I missed something but here are a few of my faves from a lifetime spent playing video games:
Mario 64 – it is tough picking one Mario game as he’s the reason I got in to games (playing on my parents imported NES at the age of 3 changed my life!) but something about Mario 64 is just so magical and wonderful, the first time effortlessly moving through a 3D world, the joyous nature of the gameplay and the level design, I just adored this so much and despite later entries (e.g. Galaxy) being more refined and objectively better this is just such a special game I don’t think it's possible to calculate the impact it had on the industry and on entertainment when it first came out.
Quake 3 – I have probably played this more than any other game (with the possible exception of World of Warcraft) but this was my first foray in to the world of online games and that was a life-changing moment, realising that no matter how good I got there was always someone out there better… well that was a challenge I duly accepted and I have met many wonderful friends I hold very dear to me along the way across many different online games but this was the one that really blew me away
Bloodborne – I do adore the whole Soulsborne franchise(s) and as a game dev I really admire how FromSoft do things their own way and stay true to their artistic vision. I can’t think of a game that is more harmonious and congruent than Bloodborne, every pixel/sound is working in perfect harmony with each other, and the end result is something truly staggering. If I could wipe my memory and play one game over and over again and recapture the same feeling I had when I first played it, it would be Bloodborne.
Final Fantasy VII – I was queueing outside Electronics Boutique the day this came out, the first FF game to get released in Europe and I’m so glad we didn’t miss out on this one (though 6 was great and we had to import that…) – I can’t put into words what it was like encountering Sephiroth for the first time thinking I was at the Shinra HQ to complete the game and then the world map opens up and my mind was so utterly blown I couldn’t believe my eyes. As for Aerith/Aeris – well… aside from the fact she was the group healer… I was just floored; I didn’t realise how potent games were at eliciting an emotional response until that scene and I doubt any game could ever have that impact again.
Street Fighter 2 – when this first came out it was unlike anything I’d ever seen before – encountering at an arcade machine it's what the “cool older kids” were playing and its always retained that allure, this was a game that was cool and badass. The way you compete against others in fighting games has a certain purity to it that I just love, and I sorely miss having arcades to go to as they were a staple in my life growing up and there was always a great fighting game a community would build around. Getting to have the SNES version that was as close to arcade perfect as we could fathom at the time was a real joy as well and I guess this is widely regarded as the beat ‘em up that started it all and with good reason, because it did!
Q: Hey Adam and the community team, hope you're all doing well!

• Are you a cat or a dog person? xD
• When the game was announced in 2017, Everywhere was only the working title of the game. Why did you keep the name? What were some of the suggestions?

Thanks in advance! – u/thewhitewolf35
A: Hey thewhitewolf! Thanks for your fun questions 😊
I am definitely a dog person, I’ve grown up with dogs my entire life and despite being fond of cats I just adore dogs – quite a few people in the office have them and I am always happy to meet them, and due to my lifestyle I am not really able to be a good and responsible dog owner right now so I am very grateful when I get to interact with any of the BARB doggos. 😊
EVERYWHERE has always been called such and I think we liked the title straight away, I think it speaks to the potentially unlimited nature of what we are trying to achieve and we want this to be a game that anyone can play, wherever they are as I think we see games as more than just ways to spend your time, they are ways to connect and socialise and learn from each other – but even more than that they are a way to share experiences and that spirit of creativity has always been our guiding star with the project.
Q: u/MightyMax_1988 would like to know more about what you do in your free time. Do you like retro consoles such as Sega Master System, Sega Genesis (mega drive), Super Nintendo (snes)? And do you like the movie Ready Player One?
A: Hey MightyMax! I am always happy to talk about my hobbies 😊my friends often wish I would shut up about them!
In my free time I do enjoy watching team sports, specifically football (lifelong Nottingham Forest fan) and I adore the NBA (big Lakers fan) and live sports are a good way to stay connected to my friends and are something I always try and make time for. I also try and stay on top of the latest greatest TV Shows, Movies and Anime (just finished Ted Lasso which I thought was such wholesome fun and I also recently finished an anime called Chainsaw Man that was just… exhilarating!).
In terms of games I’m a lifelong gamer so I’ve had every console (apart from the NeoGeo…) over the years (even a VirtualBoy), though I would say that I don’t really do much retro gaming these days as I struggle to keep up with all the modern games coming out, and I think I prioritise online gaming as it helps me stay connected to my friends so I’m always playing something with them and then trying my best to play the cream of the crop of single player games (currently trying to finish off Octopath Traveller 2 so I can move on to the new Zelda!).
And yeah, I liked both the book and the movie Ready Player One – I love a good mashup of different IPs and art-styles, I really enjoyed Wreck It Ralph for the same reason, and anything with lots of pop culture references makes me happy (even stuff like Scott Pilgrim etc.).
Q: How bad were you at Quake? – u/tyj
A: I was so terrible I had to go to tournaments and captain the UK RA3 team… it was a tough time 😊 but back then when I told people I thought Esports would be played in stadiums for millions of dollars people thought I was an idiot… I’m so delighted to see how things have ended up and really excited that future generations can actually become pro gamers as a viable path in life – how far we’ve come!
Q: Also, what’s your favourite colour? – u/voodoolady94
A: Another question from the voodoolady…. Well, this one is an easy one and I can be uncharacteristically succinct.
Pink, my favourite colour is pink 😊

Round 26 Voting Link: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLScacMRhvvaUzr9MVy-UpFCP8ir5g_4cM4CHEFh96WES0G6J3A/viewform?usp=sf_link
Email Sign In now required due to Ballot Stuffers. I am not collecting your email address, just your vote.
Previous Rounds Results
(126.) Purify (125.) Invisible Kid (124.) Poor Twisted Me (123.) Shoot Me Again (122.) Slither (121.) My World (120.) Dirty Window (119.) All Within My Hands (118.) Ronnie (117.) Attitude (116.) Cure (115.) Bad Seed (114.) Murder One (113.) Am I Savage? (112.) Some Kind of Monster (111.) Where the Wild Things Are (110.) Low Man's Lyric (109.) ManUNkind (108.) Better Than You (107.) 2x4 (106.) The House Jack Built (105.) Carpe Diem Baby (104.) Sweet Amber (103.) Prince Charming (102.) Jump in the Fire (101.) Don't Tread on Me (100.) Thorn Within (99.) - Human (98.) Just a Bullet Away (97.) Wasting My Hate (96.) To Hell and Back (95.) Mama Said (94.) Here Comes Revenge (93.) Hate Train (92.) Confusion (91.) Devil’s Dance (90.) Rebel of Babylon (89.) I Disappear (88.) Lords of Summer (87.) Aint My Bitch (86.) Escape (85.) If Darkness Had a Son (84.) Metal Militia (83.) Cyanide (82.) Broken, Beat and Scarred (81.) Hero of the Day (80.) The Struggle Within (79.) Crown of Barbed Wire (78.) Sleepwalk My Life Away (77.) Of Wolf and Man (76.) The Unnamed Feeling (75.) Frantic (74.) Now That We’re Dead (73.) Fixxxer (72.) St. Anger (71.) My Apocalypse (70.) Phantom Lord (69.) Suicide and Redemption (68.) The End of the Line (67.) Screaming Suicide (66.) You Must Burn! (65.) Through the Never (64.) Dream No More (63.) Chasing Light (62.) No Remorse (61.) Motorbreath (60.) Judas Kiss (59.) Unforgiven II (58.) Too Far Gone? (57.) Holier Than Thou (56.) Lux Aeterna (55.) Unforgiven III (54.) The Memory Remains (53.) Shadows Follow (52.) Hardwired (51.) Hit the Lights (50.) Atlas, Rise (49.) Trapped Under Ice (48.) My Friend of Misery (47.) The Thing That Should Not Be (46.) Room of Mirrors (45.) Halo on Fire (44.) 72 Seasons (43.) That Was Just Your Life (42.) The God That Failed (41.) To Live is to Die (40.) No Leaf Clover (39.) Eye of the Beholder (38.) Inamorata (37.) Whiplash (36.) The Outlaw Torn (35.) Enter Sandman (34.) Nothing Else Matters (33.) Bleeding Me (32.) Moth Into Flame (31.) Fuel (30.) Until It Sleeps (29.) The Shortest Straw (28.) King Nothing (27.) Fight Fire with Fire (26.) Leper Messiah
Round 25 Results
(25.) Frayed Ends of Sanity (24.) Seek and Destroy (23.) The Call of Ktulu
Vote for the next 3 songs to be eliminated in the link above.
We will pause the poll during the Metallica protest on Jun 12th and 13th and keep the poll going as normal once the sub reopens. For those of you that are protesting for longer, I commend you, and I apologize that you can’t participate in the last few rounds unless you want to DM me your email address and I will email the poll to you. To have this wrapped up by the 12th, I would have to eliminate 6 songs each round, and that would very much ruin the flow of the final rounds as they should be some of the most entertaining. I will be protesting reddit completely those 2 days, and hope some changes come!

Gaze in terror at these shadow beasts on Dump Stat

 
Part demon, part servant, and part emotion, the Sorrowsworn are creatures of despair and, you guessed it, sorrow. They are foul creatures who are terrifying to face, incredibly strong, and feed off the mental anguish of others.
Before we dive into this very messed-up demon, we just want to put a warning out there. Sorrowsworn delight in the misery and failures of others, so if topics of depression and misery aren’t exactly your thing right now, we recommend checking out a happier monster, like the Faerie Dragon!
 

3e/3.5e - Demon, Sorrowsworn

Large Outsider (Chaotic, Evil, Extraplanar, Tanar’ri)
Hit Dice: 18d8+216 (297 hp)
Initiative: +7
Speed: 40 ft (8 squares), fly 80 ft. (poor)
Armor Class: 28 (–1 size, +3 Dex, +16 natural), touch 12, flat-footed 25
Base Attack/Grapple: +18/+31
Attacks: +2 glaive +23 melee (2d8+25)* or bite +21 melee (1d8+14 plus 1 Con)*
Full Attack: +2 glaive +23/+18/+13/+8 melee (2d8+25)* and bite +16 melee (1d8+9 plus 1 Con)* or 2 claws +21 melee (1d6+14)* and bite +16 melee (1d8+9 plus 1 Con)*
Space/Reach: 10 ft./10 ft. (glaive 15–20 ft. only)
Special Attacks: Aura of loss, spell-like abilities, whispers of loss
Special Qualities: Damage reduction 10/cold iron and good, darkvision 60 ft., immunity to electricity and poison, mind reading, outsider traits, resistance to acid 10, cold 10, and fire 10, spell resistance 25, strong willed, telepathy 100 ft.
Saves: Fort +22, Ref +14, Will +17 (+21 against mind-affecting spells and abilities
Abilities: Str 29, Dex 17, Con 32, Int 20, Wis 22, Cha 21
Skills: Bluff +26, Concentration +32, Diplomacy +9, Hide +28, Intimidate +28, Knowledge (arcana) +26, Knowledge (geography) +26, Knowledge (the planes) +26, Listen +29, Move Silently +32, Sense Motive +27, Spellcraft +28, Spot +29, Survival +35 (+37 on other planes, +37 avoiding getting lost and hazards)
Feats: Ability Focus (aura of loss), Alertness, Cleave, Combat Reflexes, Great Cleave, Improved Initiative, Improved Sunder, Improved Toughness, Power Attack
Climate/Terrain: Infinite Layers of the Abyss
Organization: Solitary
Challenge Rating: 17
Treasure: Standard coins; double goods; standard items, plus +2 glaive
Alignment: Always chaotic evil
Advancement: 19–36 HD (Large); 37–72 HD (Huge)
Level Adjustment: -

A sickly thin demon standing 15 feet tall with bat wings, this creature of sadness and pain, the Sorrowsworn, first appears in Monster Manual III (2004). Twisted horns protrude from the top of its head, and the creature has a wide mouth and hooked claws as hands. While it may look like a sad and severely depressed demon, it appears this way to mock the pain and suffering that its victims feel. If you feel happy because you just killed a dragon and have multiple bags of holding filled with its hoard, you're not safe from the creature. They will force you to remember everything painful you have felt in your life and even suffer through the pain of things that have not, and may not, happen to you.
How does the Sorrowsworn go about this? It has several abilities that allow it to eat your pain and suffering, just like those bullies in high school. It's a sneaky bastard and will hide, waiting for the right moment to strike and when you are at your emotional weakest. Though, if you expect to see it trying to hide its 15-foot frame behind a bush, you are going to be disappointed since it has access to spells like invisibility and nondetection.
Once it is ready to strike, this gaunt demon of sorrow will first cast greater dispel magic on whoever has the most buffs or auras, like your cleric. This is followed by it casting mind fog, which causes Will saves to tank while in the spell’s effect. On the third round, it then casts feeblemind on the most powerful spell caster, like your wizard, and then teleports into the thick of things and begins tearing with claws, biting with teeth, or slashing with their magical glaive.
Once you are surrounded, or well, you have the Sorrowsworn surrounded, it then activates its aura of loss ability. All creatures near the horrid demon start getting very sad and must make a Will save or find spellcasting to be far more challenging than it ever was before as now you have to contend with your inner demons telling you that you aren’t good enough. If your mind telling you that your father will never be proud of you isn’t enough to make you want to leave the fight and cry in a corner, good news is that the Sorrowsworn will also be talking about how you were always a disappointment and how no one could ever possibly love you. It can even access the most vulnerable parts that you keep locked up tight since it can read your thoughts and will capitalize on your mental weakness.
Once you are an emotional wreck - well, even more so than usual - the Sorrowsworn can then begin targeting creatures that are very sad with its whispers of loss ability that will make you sob like a baby with three different flavors of depression: Future Sorrow, Great Emptiness, and Past Losses. Future Sorrow fills your head with bad things to come, and you'll wonder why you even try to prevent them from happening, and you get to be stunned for two rounds. Great Emptiness shows that all great battles or wars result in nothing changing and that the greater good is a fallacy, so you should abandon trying to make a better world, leaving you confused for five rounds. The last, Past Losses, is the opposite of Future Sorrow, with the death of your friends and family crushing your heart and soul, leaving you dazed for three rounds.
While you’re crying and wondering why you should even go on, the Sorrowsworn then takes the opportunity to use more of its offensive spells, use its glaive, teeth, claws, or maybe even more mental anguish to overwhelm you and your party, leaving you in need of an owlbear plush to cry into.
 

4e - Sorrowsworn Soulripper

Level 25 Skirmisher
Medium shadow humanoid / XP 7,000
Initiative +27
Senses Perception +27; darkvision
HP 236; Bloodied 118
AC 39; Fortitude 35, Reflex 39, Will 36; see also Bleak Visage
Speed 10; see also Sorrow’s Rush
Claw (standard; at-will) Psychic +30 vs. AC; 2d8 + 7 plus 2d8 psychic damage.
Flutter and Strike (standard; recharge 4-6) Psychic, Teleportation The sorrowsworn soulripper teleports 10 squares and makes a claw attack, gaining combat advantage against its target.
Sorrow’s Rush (standard; encounter) Psychic The sorrowsworn soulripper moves up to 10 squares and makes three claw attacks at any points during its move. Each attack must be made against a different target.
Bleak Visage Fear Melee and ranged attacks made against the sorrowsworn soulripper take a –2 penalty to the attack roll.
Combat Advantage The sorrowsworn soulripper deals an extra 3d6 damage on attacks against any target it has combat advantage against.
Alignment Unaligned / Languages Common
Skills Insight +27, Stealth +30
Str 24 (+19) Dex 36 (+25) Wis 31 (22) Con 28 (+21) Int 18 (+16) Cha 22 (+18)

Because this edition wants you to continue feeling emotional pain and misery, there are now three Sworrowsworn, all found in the Monster Manual (2008) with the Sorrowsworn Soulripper, Sorrowsworn Reaper, and Sorrowsworn Deathlord. Each still preys on your guilt of those who died and the impending deaths of those you love, but now they aren’t quite as horrific as before. While they still look like demons, they are in fact not demonic or fiends. Instead, they are death incarnate itself, basically twisted angels of the Shadowfell who track down mortals who refuse to die, like liches or vampires.
As one might guess for twisted angels of shadow, they are under the employ of the Raven Queen and many shadar-kai crave to one day ascend and become a Sorrowsworn. The shadar-kai see this ascension as a way to obtain their desperately desired immortality, which we guess means that the Raven Queen is cool if her favorite servants get to live forever, but everyone else needs to die.
Looking at the Sorrowsworn, the Soulripper is a sneaky death angel, stalking its target and surprising them from the shadows. It can move quickly into battle, and then ripping through large hordes of creatures as it moves, like a swirling hurricane of death, claws, and sorrow. After them are the Reapers who target a single creature to inflict as much pain as possible. We all know it hopes that all that pain results in your death, and we're sure it will bring the Sorrowsworn some sick sense of pleasure. It utilizes a scythe, just like a real angel of death, and attempts to rip your very soul out. If it can reduce you to 0 hit points, not only does that put you pretty close to absolute death, but it also heals the Sorrowsworn, restoring some lost hit points every time it brings a creature to death. If this happens, just know your party will experience a mix of emotions. They’ll be sad to see your broken corpse on the ground, but also very angry with you since you now just healed the enemy you selfish jerk!
The Deathlord is the most powerful of the bunch. It can phase in and out of the walls between attacks, all the while it rips you apart, which is beyond frustrating to fight. Even if you do manage to hit the Deathlord, more than likely it’ll be insubstantial, allowing it to ignore part of your damage. If you think those three are particularly annoying to fight, wait until you have to face a swarm of Sorrowsworn with the Shadowraven Swarm. They look like ravens, but when they gather into a swarm, they are almost as powerful as a Deathlord and only get more painful to fight the more damage you deal to it.
In the Manual of the Planes (2008), the Sorrowsworn hunt nightwalkers and death giants, seeing such creatures as contaminating the Shadowfell. Nightwalkers are creatures made out of shadow, undead who live on the fringes of the Shadowfell. The text gives us information about the Sorrowsworn who reside in the Shadowfell, most of which we've discussed already. We find out that a truly impressive Sorrowsworn can rise to become a Raven Knight, the foremost soldier in the Raven Queen's army with even more information on the Raven Knight found in Open Grave: Secrets of the Undead (2009).
If you are wondering if all Sorrowsworn are content to serve Raven Queen, well we are here to burst your bubble with the adventure Winter of the Witch by Stephen Radney-MacFarland in Dungeon #162 (Jan. 2009). This Deathlord, Morthalat, is a renegade and serves as a chief agent for Orcus. If you know anything about Orcus, then you know that Orcus believes that life continues into undeath and is the biggest enemy of the Raven Queen. It’s a shame Morthalat decided to turn from the Raven Queen, especially since your group of adventurers get to take the Sorrowsworn down.
In the adventure E1 - Death's Reach (2009), we are introduced to the Sorrowsworn Fleshripper and Sorrowsworn Doomguard. The Fleshripper is armed with spiked gauntlets. They move around the battlefield quickly, punching you repeatedly in the face while you remember better days of not being punched in the face. The Doomguard wields a scythe and can teleport, which is kind of like cosplaying as Death itself. If you are hit by the scythe, prepare to be immobilized by Shadow Reap, which will heal the Doomguard if you are reduced to 0 hit points by the attack.
The adventure E2 - Kingdom of Ghouls (2009) brings us the Sorrowsworn Dread Wraith and Sorrowsorn Blade. The Sorrowsworn Blade is charged with the psychic energy of their wielder, dealing slashing and psychic damage to any who get too close. The Dread Wraith is truly frightening. It regenerates and has an aura that reduces bright light to dim light called Shroud of Night. In addition, it can teleport, daze you, and eventually raise you as a Spawn Wraith when, not if, it kills you.
Not surprisingly, the Sorrowsworn are brought up throughout the sourcebook The Shadowfell: Gloomwrought and Beyond (2011). It tells us about Vorkesis, considered the first of the Sorrowsworn and the current exarch of the Raven Queen. Being born without eyes doesn't impede his sight, as he can see far and wide. He also only has one hand, in which he wields a black longspear.
Vorkesis primary responsibility is to guard the souls of epic heroes. He does so with a variety of abilities and his deadly longspear. He is a powerful warrior, as befits an exarch’s position, and is a skirmisher without equal. He can turn invisible, launch his spear with ferocity, and deal tons of damage against single-target creatures, making him quite the dangerous enemy to have.
In addition, Vorkesis is also known as the Master of Fate and knows the fate of every creature that has lived, is currently living, or is dead. If you're curious about this and behave yourself in his presence, Vorkesis will happily regale you with stories, for being around mortals lets him experience what everyday life is like. Maybe if you are really unlucky, he’ll even let you know how you’ll die, giving you a firsthand experience with his longspear.
 

5e - The Angry / Angry Sorrowsworn

Medium Monstrosity, Neutral Evil
Armor Class 18 (natural armor)
Hit Points 255 (30d8 + 120)
Speed 30 ft.
Str 17 (+3) Dex 10 (+0) Con 19 (+4) Int 8 (-1) Wis 13 (+1) Cha 6 (-2)
Skills Perception +11
Damage Resistances bludgeoning, piercing, and slashing while in dim light or darkness
Senses darkvision 60 ft., passive Perception 21
Languages Common
Challenge 13 (10,000 XP) Proficiency Bonus +5
Two Heads. The sorrowsworn has advantage on saving throws against being blinded, charmed, deafened, frightened, stunned, or knocked unconscious.
Rising Anger. If another creature deals damage to the sorrowsworn, the sorrowsworn’s attack rolls have advantage until the end of its next turn, and the first time it hits with a Hook attack on its next turn, the attack’s target takes an extra 19 (3d12) psychic damage.
On its turn, the sorrowsworn has disadvantage on attack rolls if no other creature has dealt damage to it since the end of its last turn.
Multiattack. The sorrowsworn makes two Hook attacks.
Hook. Melee Weapon Attack: +8 to hit, reach 5 ft., one target. Hit: 16 (2d12 + 3) piercing damage.

Five Sorrowsworn are first found in Morkenkainen's Tome of Foes (2018) before being reprinted in Morkenkainen Presents: Monsters of the Multiverse (2022). The five are The Angry, The Hungry, The Lost, The Lonely, and The Wretched, though in Monsters of the Multiverse they drop the definite article and add Sorrowsworn to the end.
They get a lot of changes in this edition and are completely different from both previous editions. They are now monstrosities when they were demons or shadow beasts before, and have a much lower Challenge Rating, so not quite as dangerous. In addition, they are the embodiment of emotions in the Shadowfell, only forming when intense emotions are felt in the plane of shadow.
We start with the super-weak Wretched Sorrowsworn that only clocks in at a Challenge Rating of 1/4, far weaker than any true Sorrowsworn should be. These small creatures travel in packs, biting and attaching themselves to you on a successful attack. They wander the Shadowfell, feeding on their victim's life force to stay alive. Far, far above them are the CR 7 Lost Sorrowsworn who twist their victims all around in the Shadowfell until they have no idea where they are, causing the rising fear of being lost to become their primary emotion. The Lost have five long spikes for arms, stabbing and grappling you when these arms pierce your flesh.
Next up is the Lonely Sorrowsworn, who prove that you are never truly alone while you are lost. They hunt those who feel alone and abandoned. When you are up close and personal, they drain you of your mental energy, though if you try to get away from them, they’ll launch their harpoon arm at you, and reel you back in since they’re probably scared of the dark and don’t want to be alone. Of course, they aren’t quite as horrifying as the Hungry Sorrowspawn who has a huge maw, eating everything in sight. They are forever hungry and can unhinge their jaws to fill it with whatever they can find. If you decide that fighting these creatures is starting to hurt, and you regain hit points, the Hungry gets incredibly upset that you didn’t feed it too, and gains bonuses to attacks and damage.
The last Sorrowsworn are the CR 13 Angry Sorrowsworn, and we don’t mean that they are just upset. We literally mean they are the essence of anger, though you’d be forgiven if you just thought they were a weird, malformed albino hook horror. They feature two heads, hooks for arms and hands, and an anger problem that you won’t be able to help them with. If you do fight them, you just made a horrible mistake as they get stronger when they are attacked, so we guess the best strategy is to run away as fast as possible… or maybe that would also make them angry? Maybe the best thing to do is just let the barbarian and the Angry figure out their anger issues between them.
 
So there we have it, the Sorrowsworn. They've been demons, shadow beasts, and monstrosities. They've fed off your anguish, been guards of the Shadowfell, and attempted to eat you. No matter what edition you play, they are creatures to be feared and approached with caution.

Past Deep Dives

Creatures: Aarakocra / Aboleth / Ankheg / Balhannoth / Banshee / Beholder / Berbalang / Blink Dog / Bulette / Bullywug / Chain Devil / Chimera / Chuul / Cockatrice / Couatl / Displacer Beast / Djinni / Doppelganger / Dracolich / Dragon Turtle / Dragonborn / Drow / Dryad / Faerie Dragon / Flumph / Formian / Frost Giant / Gelatinous Cube / Genasi / Ghoul / Giant Space Hamster / Gibbering Mouther / Giff / Gith / Gnoll / Goliath / Grell / Grippli / Grisgol / Grung / Hag / Harpy / Hell Hound / Hobgoblin / Hook Horror / Invisible Stalker / Kappa / Ki-rin / Kobold / Kraken / Kuo-Toa / Lich / Lizardfolk / Manticore / Medusa / Mercane (Arcane) / Mimic / Mind Flayer / Modron / Naga / Neogi / Nothic / Oni / Otyugh / Owlbear / Rakshasa / Redcap / Revenant / Rust Monster / Sahuagin / Scarecrow / Seawolf / Shadar-Kai / Shardmind / Shield Guardian / Star Spawn / Storm Giant / Slaadi / Tabaxi / Tarrasque / Thought Eater / Tiefling / Tirapheg / Umber Hulk / Vampire / Werewolf / Wyvern / Xorn / Xvart

Class: Barbarian Class / Cleric Class / Wizard Class

Spells: Fireball Spell / Lost Spells / Named Spells / Quest Spells / Wish Spell

Other: The History of Bigby / The History of the Blood War / The History of the Raven Queen / The History of the Red Wizards / The History of Vecna