Vans and stranger things

(I wrote this poem about my experience with online grooming to help work through the inexplicable pain I felt. I continued on to compete in Speech and Debate with this piece and at this point just want a place to archive it. I hope it reaches someone who needs to hear it.)
[5 min read]
"It started around June 21st, 2021. Which means it's been just over a year, since I was groomed by an adult man. I stand here today to prove to no one but myself, that I can talk about this chapter of my life, and that it is okay to. I am here to be living proof that abuse doesn't mean the end. That you are never too far gone, and you're always worth loving. My abuse story will never look like someone elses, but it stands as an example to prove how some adults are able to manipulate children, even in seemingly passive ways. It took maybe seventeen months to realize the abuse I went through is valid, and worth sharing to help prevent others from making my same mistakes."
I was 16 And a dreamer wanna-be A blue bird in training I live in a beautiful golden cage, With food and water, And a key.
With everything I needed, Discontent reared her ugly head. Shallow hatred of the ways I'd speant my life Begging for something Of substance I didn't want money, or friends, I wanted to send a piece of myself away To trust a man To be grown up For someone To understand
I was 16 And a dreamer turned bird-clipping-its-own-wings Safety meant nothing to me My dreams were jungle palm And my self-hatred a machete
I would have loved to cut through To prove to everyone who knew What was the true center I was nothing, of what I presented- Not the beautiful palm Or crystal waves- I was the hatred The ugly The disinterested way I was Unhappy to be Who sent a piece of unhappy across the sea To a man who knew
I was 16 I still believed in Prince Charming So I gave him the key. I let him inside my cage And smiled and said, "See? We're meant to be! It's the perfect size, You can sleep there, And I'll keep the peace." This arrangement just so happened to be, That I kept things clean, While he turned beautiful words Against me.
I danced in the compliments Reveled in the sweetness of voice Because when given the choice I could not be happy with me
I, a child with tear wrought eyes, Sought sanctuary secretly inside This man's lies. Lies which qualmed the seas of Self hate quieted the jungle cats Who ate my insides Letting the world exacerbate My deteriorating brain
And when caught in that cage, Forced to face The intimacies of men There simply, was no escape.
Health class doesn't teach you How thoes images scar The cage tightened around me Like a dinosaur in tar, Forcing me to confront What my mind couldn't spar-
I told myself "I am 16, This is normal Girls and guys get less formal After less time then this."
So I stayed. I cut my own damn wings Because It seemed Men would only want me For breast For thigh To cast my eye upon him And do as he pleased
I was his, entirely But he was nothing for me. Nothing but vocal chords echoing Through my body Picking out my insecurities With tweezers to keep me tethered. He told me everything I wanted to hear, Sending soft smiles Through my ears While remaining That I was gaining Around the waist
So to compensate I scraped wing and bone Clip off what was me Suck in Pinch sides Cling to his words Listen to lies Roll back your eyes His sweet sighs Comply His noble arrogant pride Comply comply
I was 16 And believed the problem was me If I cried, I was weak If I said no, I was the creep I begged for sleep And got scolded for Trying to leave
I was 16 And learned Prince Charming was a jerk. He didn't care if I said no He only cared that it hurt!
Though feathers regrow And no scars can be seen Inside my golden cage I scream
He never touched me. Still I shrink from any man's company Compliments are manipulation Smiles see right through me Imaginary scenes of the empty threats you sewed to me Haunt my waking hours And devastate any of my dreams This man never picked the lock, I gave him the fucking key
I was only 16 and a year between is nothing to me Now showing my friends My clipped wings Begging for their sympathy That they will let the past be And understand 16 year old me Doesn't want to be seen
I am damaged. A Little girl has seen things she never wanted to see. I spent time after trying to Reclaim the old me. Give me a reason Not to end All my relationships with men Before the age of 10 Because then, there was purity. Sweetness in the eye of she who see Men as a saftey net. And not as an open threat
I'm only sharing, out of necessity Because he shared everything with me A pass time that became blackmail To personal items on the paleness of my body
My brain keeps ping-ponging between He loves me He loves me not How can I stop? Attentions addicting Cocaine to the brain Of the beat up and lonley The 16 year old bird With only one melody, "I mean nothing in the eyes of society Because no one recognizes when there's grooming"
A fact that has been growing ever since My sense of self worth, My passion in life, My body, my secrets, my cries, All of it no longer mine
I sent that piece of myself away All to say, "I loved a man once. See how grown I am? He chose me over all the other little girls. There was passion in all that he touched He touched me- My heart I mean. He treated me like a woman And threatened me just the same."
You know there was pride In the way he cried I was "opening up." Like exposing my body Was something to be copied
And of course... Once was never enough And if I ever said no, God help the soul, He said he'd take it from me anyway Would travel states, Drive night and day, To claim and rape me
I was 16 And it was summer break
Of course when I explained The things he claimed Scared me, Suddenly- It was all a silly little fib.
Now you stare me in the eyes And explain to me How a glorified rape joke- Was funny
The terror it instilled In a still-growing teen And how how I laughed and sighed And agreed- It was funny.
Of course, it never really was
I wish I remember how it ended. I'd like to say I blew up And he surrendered And admitted to his Abuse of power- But.. no. I'm sure I just said, "I have to go" And never looked back At what I used to call home
I still live with the effect, The names he used to say, The way he'd make me behave Especially how he had trained my brain To think that shit Was normal.
But everyday I realize The same stupid thing: Nothing about my past Is ever going to change.
I can cry Scream Rearrange every dream Fix every seam- But even blue birds clip their wings, Occasionally
Though feathers regrow, And no scars can be seen, Now inside my golden cage- I can sing

Hey all, I (19F) got my wisdom teeth out this past Tuesday. I’ve had a bit of face swelling and pain but nothing unusual. However, earlier today I noticed a sharp pain in my cheek- I thought it was just the stitches poking into my cheek so I didn’t pay it much mind. I went to look at it in the mirror in the evening and saw this white inflamed bitin my mouth.
I’m going to call the dentist in the morning and ask if this is a normal thing for people who have gotten their wisdom teeth out, but I’m posting here for initial opinions and to see if I need to make an appt instead of just calling.
For reference, I’m taking 800MG ibuprofen and 500MG amoxicillin every 8 hours as prescribed, and have been since I got my teeth out.
TIA!

I love my bf and I don't want to ruin our relationship, but sometimes I get in a slutty mood and I miss the days when I could throw on hoe clothes, get drunk and fuck a stranger or even just sext or send nudes to a new guy. Even just swiping through tinder and having slutty conversations. Right now I am in the mood to be an absolute depraved hedonistic slut. How can I work this out while staying loyal to my boyfriend? Is there anything I can do that will scratch this itch?

My sister (34F) has been married for 7 years and has a kid that just turned 4. Right from the beginning of the wedding we all knew this was going to be a sinking ship, but she has always been somewhat delusional about "making it all work" through her efforts. It just didn't make sense to me how she alone would do all of this and simply not just get out. She hoped things would get better, I warned her right at the beginning that it won't. he still went ahead into the marriage. This is the first love of her life. I hate seeing her shrinking like this. The husband and the in-laws are extremely unsupportive, nitpicky, manipulative, and jealous. Whenever any solution to these problems is discussed, I have mentioned divorce multiple times directly and indirectly, but every time I've been shut down because "I'm too young" (I'm 23) to understand the complexities and consequences of such a big decision.
That family absolutely has no sense of morals and are shameless in exploiting her. My sis used to be a professor in an engg college and is now a homemaker. Every now and then, the in-laws situation escalates to frequent shouting matches and wolf crying about how she is "manipulating" them, not taking care of her son and what not. She STILL believes the situation will get better and refuses to leave as much as I request her or threaten her. I don't even want to start with the things she has been accused of, just typing this post is boiling my blood. After each interaction my parents make which gives me hope is the "ultimate conversation", it again gets back to as if nothing happened. We still exchanges pleasantries with that family and that nauseates me to the core.
I feel angry for being the only person wanting this. I also feel angry on behalf of her tolerating all this bullshit, and I'm sick of being helpless for so long. I can't change anything, but I also hate watching her like this. Yesterday my parents went to her in-laws' place and a massive argument ensued. This has happened for a while now but every time, it "calms down." The situation gets buried under the rug and it pisses me off to no end. It just goes on and gets progressively worse.
I know you guys will definitely suggest divorce and I agree with that. But I don't really know what to do when the person HERSELF is reluctant to do it.

Things can be tough sometimes. You are only human and it is OK to not be OK. This is a judgement free zone. If you're struggling let us know. Even if you feel like you don't need advice right now, just vent it out.
We are here. Life is shit and I get it.
There is a list of Mental Health Resources on the sidebar. Please use it when the need arises. You are no less of a man for asking for help.
We'll get through this. It's just another day.

heya frens. im currently recovering from a covid infection. first time with the plague, i did everything i could to avoid it. i failed i guess and learned the hard way this shit is not just a cold i could feel the organ damage i was getting happen in real time. im concerned that aome chronic or longer term things will persist but its too early to call on that.
i guess i just feel lonely cus of it. lonely and bleak. i was high on life so hard before this happened. i fell in love, found a lot of motivation for my ambitions, i have all these big plans and i have community and im fully accepted as a woman in every community i go in and out of for the most part (on little communes and some other set ups, i travel a lot to new places) ive found my self worth, confidence, self love all this good stuff i was lacking my whole life. i even managed to maintain a hopeful optimistic worldview and framework and am told im a shining light in other people i meets dark bleak worlds. its fufilling
and right now all of that feels so robbed from me. hoping i can get back into the thick of it asap but its hard for me to do much at all, hard for me to socialize, being faced with the underbelly of the pandemic just put me in this depressed dark bleak mad at society headspace(which im always mad at society but in a productive motivating way, this feels defeating). i literally thought i was going to die and so i had to let myself explore that possibility and reflect on my life from that scary dark pov. i feel defeated. and now im just waiting to see the results of this dice roll life forced me to take on the Disability Roulette Table™️
my life was just starting, i dont want it to be over. which im pretty optimistic realistically that ill recover fine enough to not even spend any time thinking about it like this, but theres a chance i wont. and im still so tired and exhausted from it, its only been 11 days since the onset though. too early to tell anything like that.
thanks for responding i love you all keep fighting the good fight <3

I have seen people on this subreddit refer to terms and phrases like whitewashed, coconut, oreo, white-worshipping, and colonized mindset, all traits which they look down upon, and they instead encourage 'desis to show unity' and 'embrace their culture'. Personally it seems like all this is an attempt to get people to conform to a particular way of thinking and acting and to punish those who are different by accusing them of 'wanting to be white', and in effect alienating them from their racial identity in order to make them more easy to manipulate and to abuse. Is this not the weaponization of race? Is this not racism? Sure, it's not coming from someone of a different skin color, but that just means the person saying these things knows enough about us to effectively cause harm. Personally I think it needs to stop and that people need to refrain from insulting or demeaning any race or using race to insult and demean others. We all have different personalities and we don't need to give racial labels to any of our traits. The purpose of this subreddit should be to provide support and advice to people who face challenges that are associated specifically with the differences they have as minorities living in the west who are descended from the Indian subcontinent. While I have seen some people share their stories, a lot of what I see posted here is either quite trivial or is posted in an attempt to inflame tensions and divide the audience. Are we trying to support people, or are we trying to control them? The answer to that will show through our actions, and that will determine whether or not this subreddit is worth having.

There are roumors about my friend being a thief.
Theese roumors come from people we both know, but personally i dont know them very well except from hanging together here and there.
First one of theese people is missing 500 dollars after only them two were together shortly before. Didnt think much of it as anything could have happend.
Later two different people have things go missing around my friend, kinda susspicious but i give it the benefit of doubt. I kept it in the back of my head.
Now about a year ago he was at my house, i was quite intoxicated but when i came back from the bathroom i noticed some of my stuff missing.
Again i was a bit intoxicated and anything could have happend. Then and there i said im missing something , have you seen it? To which he replies no you must have put it somewhere.
I never left my house that day and he was the only guest i had, after looking pretty much everywhere i dont find it. And let him know i dont wanna talk to him before i find it.
Its probably so obvious from reading this that he stole from me, and honestly even more obvious in real life if you look at it subjectivly. But there is always the possibility he actually is innocent. Because there really is no proof.
Now a year later he contacts me saying that since he has not heard from he i must not have found what i lost. And he was understanding if i was mad at him, but still he says he didnt steal anything. He literally cant believe why someone would think that.
We were good friends except from that one part, i think im moving on and not talking to him.
What would you do?
​

Mostly venting- but feedback would help
I’ve experienced GAD for about a decade now. Ive been on Buspar for a number of years, and while it helps with the daily anxiety of being a person, it doesn’t help with things like having to take the subway, or the dentist, so i use Ativan as needed. Due to how stupid our health care system is i had to start with a new office/set of providers. I loved the first doctor i was placed with he had no issue with how i was medicated and no problem filling my scripts. after about 3 visits with him i got a call the he had resigned and i would be placed with a different doctor within the office. Bummer but these things happen. Doctor #2 immediately had issue with my treatment plan and said i should be on an SSRI and no Ativan. I explained that i use it very infrequently, sometimes going months with out needing any, but she was not hearing this and said i should try Prozac. I’ve been very resistant to SSRi’s since an old GP prescribed me Paxil and the first dose sent me to the hospital. I had to convince her to start me on a lower dose the normal, but i was willing to try cause maybe it could make my life better. I took 10 Mg of Prozac for a month and had a horrible tremor, shaky legs, no appetite and feeling like i was communicating badly with everyone around me. The feed back from friends was that “i was upsettingly calm”. At my follow up appointment the doc said this wasn’t good and that i should try something else. She prescribed Pristiq and said to stop Prozac that day and start Pristiq tomorrow. This sounded wild to me considering the side effects i was having. 15 minutes into my 30 minute telemedicine visit she said she needed to cut my appointment short because she had to go to the bathroom. Not that an emergency had come up. Something about the way she was prescribing and cutting my appointment short really rubbed me the wrong way and i asked to see someone else. I was now on to my 3rd doctor at the same place. This new one also did not like my Buspar /Ativan as needed method and we should try some other SSRI’s at low dose. Again, i knew that this kind of thing is trial and error, and maybe it could make my life better so we tried Zoloft. I broke a 25mg tablet in half for a month and i still had a tremor, stomach issues, very jittery, and got lots of feed back that i was kind of being a bitch at work. We moved on to Lexapro-5mg. My coordination s was so off. I would run into things i had just been looking at. I fell down the last few stairs of flight of stairs because i was so dizzy. Abilify 5mg- everything smells rotten and food sucks. Vomiting, restlessness, uncomfortable, could not stay in a chair. I spent a lot of money on things like lotto scratchers. Effexor 37.5 mg- This one was the worst. I would start getting the “rushes” around 4am and would have to get up and do something. So no sleep, increased anxiety, spending hours at the gym and going on long walks to burn off energy. I lasted 8 days on it. The doctor seems to finally be coming around to the fact that i am a very sensitive flower and that these meds don’t really work for me. We are upping the buspar but she it still being very strict about my ativan use (which increased greatly during the abilify/effoxor switch. Im off effexor for 10 days now. Still not sleeping well, but my anxiety does seem to be getting better. I feel like over all shit, but it does seem to be getting better. TL:DR Ive been on 5 different Psych meds in the last 6-7 months, all with horrendous effects Should I see my GP for blood work? I don’t even know what to look for, but maybe something else is up? Is this normal for trying to figure out anxiety? Should I be looking for a new cente doctor?

I struggled with the first season in 2018, didn't think it was bad or anything but the lack of anything substantial put me off. It's not like the soprano's where literally everyone is a gigantic asshole but has at least the tiniest sliver of a redeeming quality which in turn says something about the human condition.
Succession is wonderfully written but to me it seems the writers are jerking themselves off over how eloquent every dialogue is while not taking into account most characters can't carry the weight of their lines. Kendall for example goes from a fumbling nerd to a smug self-assured fuck, to a sedated self-loathing miserable prick, and in S02 he switches it up to whatever the plot desires.
To me it feels like this show is just a cool thing to mention when flirting. Because there's nothing better on TV and this is what we have to work with right now. It's not bad. It's just extremely self-aggrandizing imo.

Hey everyone. I have long term provoked vulvodinia. I was diagnosed with vulvullar vestibulitis.
Sometimes when I'm in a rush, I try to pee faster. Upon first push, I feel a quick, sharp pain in my vagina. Likely at the 12 o'clock position.
I'm wondering if anyone else experiences the same thing and if you found "treatment"?

I found a pair of triops kits in an old box in a closet.
One is dated 2016, the other 2010.
What are the odds of me being able to successfully grow triops from either of these kits?
And part 2: I was hoping for some advise on how to best start them. I have a 2.5 gallon mini glass tank that once housed a betta. One of the kits came with a small bag of sand that I was going to use as substrate, and I'm going to pick up a couple gallons of spring water this weekend.
The other thing I was thinking of trying, though I'd read a lot of contradictory advice on, was plants.
I have an established fish tank with a goldfish and some java moss. I was wondering if putting a few small pieces of moss in the triops tank would be good to give them something to munch on or if it would cause problems.

I had been doing good for a while. Actually was foolish enough to think that I had turned a corner and things could improve.
But life started kicking me over and over. And now while I tried to smile, I lose a friend to death, I’m nearly broke, nearly homeless. Totally alone.
The pit always wins. You can never crawl out. Just crawl up until the pit caves and you slide back to the bottom.
Glad I didn’t throw out those sleeping pills I found last week. Maybe they can get me out of the pit once and for all.

For those of you that have looked into or bought aftermarket wheels, what did you learn? I would really like to hear things like which brands are good overall or for their price, what to look for or avoid, size difference comparisons, how much the stock and aftermarket wheels weigh, if the handling difference is noticeable or really anything else. Thanks.

Big fan of Rilakkuma, and decided to make a trip back to my hometown for the first day of tour. Sad to say how badly it was handled- it seemed like they had let people buy a bunch of product in bulk early on, so by the time I went to purchase things, half of it was out of stock. Luckily, I was still able to leave with something, but I heard that they eventually shut down the line because it was “max capacity”. Then there was the fact that they didn’t have the meet-and-greets on Fridays, so keep that in mind for the other cities! I travelled pretty far to get here, and I can imagine so did many other people, and the whole event just felt slapped together.
Despite this, please be easy on the staff members- the company didn’t provide them with a good procedure, or even enough staff!!! They are definitely short staffed and underprepared, but they were still pleasant despite these challenges. It was a long day for everyone involved, but I give the crew kudos for keeping their cool the entire time and being friendly.
I probably wouldn’t do an event like this again, but thanks to the staff for trying their best with the spare tools that they were barely given.

For background, I use an online bank for standard checking and savings. I have a debit card connected to the checking account, but never use it. I don't keep it in my wallet - I keep it at home in a safe place, mostly in case of emergency. I've never used it for online purchases or at an ATM. The online bank I use lets me "auto-decline" certain purchases made with the debit card, and I've marked almost all transaction types (including online purchases) as "decline." I live alone. I almost always use credit cards for purchases when possible.
I purchased a new (advertised as new, though an older model) iPhone on eBay a couple months ago (the box was not sealed, but I did set it up starting from the Hello screen). Just in case I ever need it in the future, I added $100 to Apple Cash using the debit card, then deleted the debit card from Apple Wallet. This was on April 6.
On June 7, I get a notification that 2 online transactions have been declined from "Amazon Prime" - one for $1.42 and the other for $1.41. These look like some of those small, "test" charges they try before they charge a large fraud purchase. I cancelled my Amazon Prime account several months ago and I've never used the debit card on Amazon (or any other website either).
I have locked my debit card through the bank's website and plan to cancel it and request a new one. I'm so glad I went through the debit card management options on the website so that I don't have to deal with getting a big charge reversed.
Mostly, I'm just at a loss as to how someone could have obtained my debit card info despite my minimal use of it. Has anyone else had this type of thing happen after adding a card to Apple Wallet? That's the only thing I can remember using it for and although my memory is not perfect, it's the only transaction on the list of debit card transactions, other than the Amazon ones. Is there any other way someone could have gotten my info that I'm not thinking of? Should I trash this phone and get a new one? I consider myself somewhat tech savvy and I try to stay aware of different methods of scamming/hacking/stealing, but I'm sure there are many out there that I've not heard of. Or maybe I'm over-thinking this?

So basically my problem is that I want to see how to improve my internet speed on my Ps4. I just moved into a rental house where the owner provides wifi. At my old place, I just plugged my router into the wall port and ran an ethernet cable to my Ps4 for a Lan connection and it was super fast. Now I cannot run a long enough cable to the owner's router and the 2.4 GHz that the Ps4 connects to is very slow and unusable. The 5g connection from the owner's router is fine on my computer and phone, but the Ps4 internet is slow. I have my own router here and when I tried plugging it into an ethernet port on the wall in my room it didn't get any internet connection. The router the owner has is a gigaspire connected to what I believe is a modem provided by the ISP that is connected to a GPON thing on the wall. How can I either hook up my router in my room or improve my internet speed?

I lost my Dad over 3 years ago in January. The grief has changed, and it has also changed me. But I was old enough (I was 33 when he died, he 66) to hide it well.
I am not sure if I will ever feel truly happy again. It’s like going to a family dinner with the head of the table empty. Something feels… off. Wrong. That’s what life is like now. I can feel the absence of his presence at all times. I can feel how life changed immediately and how my beloved family home disappeared in weeks. How I don’t have a home, my true home, the home which lives in my memory, anymore.
On those rare instances that I wake up naturally, in those first moments between wakefulness and sleep I can smell the incense burning in the house, hear the songs I can’t find that he used to play, remember watching the rain falling on our plants in my childhood, and plot out every square inch of the yard and driveway and placement of furniture inside in my mind.
In these moments the reality of the loss becomes apparent. It is only for an instant, then I forget what that felt like to be a part of. Human memory is a fickle instrument. When he died I mourned him and all of the things my imagination could bring to mind. But if I had truly remembered any of these things I would have been struck dead by grief. The mind protects itself from what it cannot comprehend. I only get these sneak peaks of this true loss when my mind’s defences have not lumbered into battle positions. Because I am still between wakefulness and dreaming and all the joy of my life can be apparent to me in this state.
This is the only religion I follow. Truth, beauty, and love. All of the things he gave to me.
My dreams of my Dad are purer than any memories I contemplate. For they access a part of myself which remains bound and silenced beneath my consciousness.
I love you to the moon and back, Dad. I don’t give a toss about religion and the bullshit doctrine that pontiffs spout. I care only about what is right, and what is true, and what is natural.
Listen to the wind blow, watch the sun rise. That is the only type of religion I believe in. I love you, Dad. I will see you again, of that I am sure

I got 6As (3 A+, 2A, 1A-) and 3 B+ in spm. My grade merit for upuonline is 84%. I have a good chance at entering Uitm if I put it as my first option, but I have a seizure disorder and my family is yelling at me for wanting to go so far because the foundation programme is in Dengkil (I'm in KL). My mom is forcing me to put UM as my first choice even though the grade average for UM is like 94% because she doesn't want me going so far.
The thing is my seizures last only for a few minutes and no matter where I go, they're not going to be fast enough to get there so it's not a matter of health. It's just the fact she wants to see how i'm doing after the seizure. Which is understandable but I would be lowering my chances at a good foundation programme that I know I can get if I put it as my first choice.