Holy family artesia bulletin

Holy cow! $92 for a family of three!!

I know its a wild theory but stay with me, so why do i said this? what is the reason?
We know that saint garling fingarland is revealed to be a king of god valley and a leader of holy knight. But, how can he be a king and a cd at the same time?
From what we know in the story. Approximately 800 years before the current timeline, 20 royal families from different islands across the world formed an alliance to combat the Great Kingdom. After the 20 kingdom alliance was victorious, 19 of the 20 royal families relocated to the Holy Land of Mary Geoise, the city built at the top of the Red Line at the halfway point of the Grand Line, a location referred to as "the center of the world". Only the royal family of Arabasta Kingdom chose to stay in their homeland.
All 19 family that move to marijoa become the celestial dragon that we know today except the nefertari family they didnt go to marijoa to become a cd and deem as traitor. But its not only nefertari family, instead we have Figarland family also who stay as a royalty in God Valley but become a Celestial dragon? How can that be?
So, my theory is. Figarland family is actually not a 20 cd family that form the wg. Instead they are a royal family that is a king in god valley and not a celestial dragon family at that time. After the god valley incident. Bcoz of saint garling fingarland have a really big role saving the cd there at the time and protecting them from the threat of rocks pirate. He is instated as a new celestial dragon. But, only he, not his whole family. And now, he become the leader of holy knight based on the perfomance of god valley protecting the cd there.
So, before the god valley incident. He is the king of god valley. After the god valley incident. He is a celestial dragon and a leader of Holy knight. I hope u enjoy my theory thx :)

It took me over a year to watch the first 3 or 4 episodes. It was just too fucking boring. It was dark, awkward, confusing, and the general tone and directing gave me slight anxiety and I couldn't get into it.
I binged the last 5 or so episodes in the last 3 days. I JUST finished episode 9, and HOLY. FUCKING. SHIT.
What an INCREDIBLE show. The writing, the psychology, the twists, the masterful acting, the symbolism, the philosophical mindfucks, the cadence, the tension... just.. fucking ALL OF IT... just perfectly executed.
I put it on par with Better Call Saul, and for me, that's saying a LOT.
Anyways.. I NEED to talk about it with somebody in my life but nobody in my circles has watched it, so here i am on reddit just fucking word vomiting...
I don't even know where to start or what to even say.
I think the idea and principle of severance is both fascinating and terrifying. The cult of Kier and the entire communist vision of the Eagan family reminds me so much of biblical prophecies of the end times.
I find myself rooting for the innies but I question what I would want if I was an outtie... after all, the outtie is the one in ultimate control.
I'm really curious about Ms. Cobel and Mr. Milchick's stories and how they ended up in their positions at Lumon, and I hope they reveal more of that in future seasons.
I think the best acting award goes to Miss Cobel... she is absolutely TERRIFYING. Especially as she walks the boundaries of both sides and both worlds.
I wish Ricken's book was a real book. It was filled with GEMS, but kind of also reminded me of antiwork. Is that a common opinion in this sub?
Sorry, I'm new, and I'm tired, and wired with the adrenaline of completing season 1 of this show for the first time.
HOLY. FUCKING. SHIT.

Figarland Family isnt the Original 20 Celestial Dragon Family
I know its a wild theory but stay with me, so why do i said this? what is the reason?
We know that saint garling fingarland is revealed to be a king of god valley and a leader of holy knight. But, how can he be a king and a cd at the same time?
From what we know in the story. Approximately 800 years before the current timeline, 20 royal families from different islands across the world formed an alliance to combat the Great Kingdom. After the 20 kingdom alliance was victorious, 19 of the 20 royal families relocated to the Holy Land of Mary Geoise, the city built at the top of the Red Line at the halfway point of the Grand Line, a location referred to as "the center of the world". Only the royal family of Arabasta Kingdom chose to stay in their homeland.
All 19 family that move to marijoa become the celestial dragon that we know today except the nefertari family they didnt go to marijoa to become a cd and deem as traitor. But its not only nefertari family, instead we have Figarland family also who stay as a royalty in God Valley but become a Celestial dragon? How can that be?
So, my theory is. Figarland family is actually not a 20 cd family that form the wg. Instead they are a royal family that is a king in god valley and not a celestial dragon family at that time. After the god valley incident. Bcoz of saint garling fingarland have a really big role saving the cd there at the time and protecting them from the threat of rocks pirate. He is instated as a new celestial dragon. But, only he, not his whole family. And now, he become the leader of holy knight based on the perfomance of god valley protecting the cd there.
So, before the god valley incident. He is the king of god valley. After the god valley incident. He is a celestial dragon and a leader of Holy knight. I hope u enjoy my theory thx :)

[←Chapter 63] [Cover Art] [My Links] [Index] [Discord] [Subreddit] [Chapter 65→]
In a rare moment, Sorore was actually having a nice dream, a normal one, one could even say. She was back home, in that moderately seized house in Erratz, laying on her mother’s lap. She could even hear the gentle sound that the needle made as it went in and out of the cloth. It was peaceful, pleasant, surrounded by familiar sound and smells, though her sight was blurry and confused.
It was not to last, as the sound of rushing water overtook all else, until she was forced awake by its unrelenting pace. When she sat up, rubbing her eyes in the broad bed, she released that it wasn’t the sound of water, nor was it relegated to her dreams. There was a commotion outside people talking in hushed but harsh tones.
Neither Lillian, nor Aya were within the room, and she wondered if they were having an argument. That wouldn’t be good - she’d watched them have the spat earlier, and that dispute didn’t need much worsening. Sorore crept to the door to the outer hallway - she loved how they slid to create whole new rooms. It was something she’d have to think about more she decided as she pulled it open and realised several things at once.
One, there were a whole lot of armoured figures in the hallway, at least four, maybe half a dozen. Two, the balcony door was open, and Lillian was currently arguing with one of them, Aya standing by looking like a mining explosive had gone off right next to her. Three, her brother and Niche had just emerged out of the room beside, and Niche was about to draw his sword at the sudden intrusion.
For a moment, she panicked, her mind going completely blank. Her mind raced with visions of bloody aftermath, and a chase through the city, back to the dinner she’d had with all those nice people.
“Oh, hello!” she blurted, drawing the surprised stares of several of the men, “who might you be?”
There was an instant of shocked silence between all parties.
“Nobody do anything!” called the man who was out on the porch, “We are representatives of the sand-shell legion, on behalf of the matriarch of the Eisen. We have come to retrieve her granddaughter.”
Niche lowered his hand from his sword belt, but Sorore could tell that he was ready to fight on a moment’s provocation. She also noticed that Kieren, in the same gown she’d worn to the square was standing in the stairwell. The woman looked so nervous Sorore thought she might fall over and down the stairs.
“Let’s move to a less cramped area,” said the captain, in a tone that brook no argument.
Eventually, it was sussed out, though not without considerable resistance on part of the paladins, that they were to meet in the great hall. As they sat, they were brought simple drinks of milk and honey, flavoured with something else that Sorore could not quite place. The two paladins looked like pacing cats, constrained on their chairs, arms crossed and eyes hard.
“Under no circumstances can we give one of ours into you custody,” said Lillian, locked in a match with the captain.
“Within the city, you are under the authority of the guard, no matter who you are. If the matriach has sent for this girl, then we have our orders.”
“As do we, captain,” said Niche, “to protect and guide each of these young women and… man, unto the holy lands of Angorrah.”
One of the guards flanking the captain whispered something in his ear.
“She’s not going to like it,” the captain said, then heard something else.
“Very well. Bloodshed before the Festival would be unwise. We have enough of that already. Right then, one of you paladins, assuming you are who you say you are, shall come with us and the lady to be received by the Eisen. I cannot say it’s likely you will have a happy reception. They will expect you to come unarmed.”
The paladins were bristling at the implied threat, and several hands were already dangerously close to their sword belts. Sorore gripped the mug that she was being offered, before Aya sat up and proclaimed to the group.
“Leave two of your men with us, then,” she said.
The captain’s eyes furrowed.
“I don’t wish to second guess you, my lady,” he said, “but why would I do that?”
“Trust,” Aya said, with a side long look at Lillian, “simple. If you leave your men with us, you can’t simply waltz off with me and my friend. Plus, it gives us men who know, and can quickly get around the city, so they can find you whenever they need to.”
The captain considered, and nodded.
“Very well my lady. Two men will be left for the disposal of your party members. But you shall have to come with us, immediately.”
“Me as well,” said Lillian.
“As you wish,” he said, “but you must disarm yourself. That is non-negotiable.”
Lillian was fuming, but unbuckled her belt and handed her armaments to Niche. The legionaries surrounded them, and departed with them out the front of the pyramid. They were left in front of the roaring fire, Kieren sitting beside them holding a considerably more full glass of the amber coloured alcohol.
“You said that this-” Niche began, his face reddened, “you sold us out!”
“Sold you out?” said Kieren incuriously as she swirled the glass around, “sold you out?”
The woman slammed down the glass on one of the nearby table, somehow not breaking it in the process.
“Maybe, you should of told us that you had the granddaughter of Aystara godsdamned Eisen in your retinue? No, forgot that little detail?”
“Okay, can we get this over with?” said Frare, picking at his nails.
“What?” said both the paladin and the trader, staring at the temerity of the youth.
“Blah, blah, we’ve all kept things from eachother,” he said, “so let’s all move on. Who is this ‘Aystara’? Why is she important?”
While Niche gaped at the casual ease from which Frare dismissed the turbulence, the trader seemed to settle.
“Only one of the two most powerful people in the city, young man,” she said, downing a shot from the glass, “between her and Edmund Poutash, it’d be easier to list what they don’t own. The docks, the schools, the farms… if you want an import or export licence? You go through her. You want to own a ship bigger than a rinky-dink fishing boat? You go through her or Potash.”
She finished the glass, and reached for the decanter, and stopped herself.
“And you waltz into the city, and conveniently forget to mention that you have her granddaughter, who hasn’t been in the city ever, if I remember correctly. To say she’d be furious that you didn’t bring the young lady before her immediately would be an understatement. And worse, you dragged us into it.”
“She must be awfully mean - you had nothing to do with us. You just hosted it.”
The woman blinked at the boldfaced remark, and Sorore delivered a good kick to his shins to drive the point home.
“No, no,” she ultimately said, “no I don’t think she’ll do anything to our family, if she believes us. She’s not unreasonable. At least, so I’ve heard. I’ve only met her once, and that was for a brief time. As for what she’ll do to you...”
She gave a pointed look at Niche.
“You tried to hid her granddaughter from her, maybe unintentionally, maybe not. If I were a betting woman, which I’m not, I would say that means trouble. If you want my advice-”
“I don’t,” said Niche, crinkling his noise.
“Don’t be stupid,” said Frare, before he howled at another kick.
Sorore’s face was burning with indignation and embarrassment. This was all too much.
“If you want my advice,” Kieren pressed on, “you’d go find and talk to your commander immediately. I could fetch for him if you wish - I know where Amicio’s home is.”
Niche, through narrowed eyes and clenched teeth, acquiesced.
“Good, now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some letters to send,” she said, “of course, though this has earned you no small amount of displeasure from certain peoples, we’ve been instructed to provide you with house and board for as long as it takes to sort this out. You are still welcome guests and you will be treated as such.”
The tepid truce struck, the children were sent back up to their rooms. Sorore tried to sleep, and managed no more than half an hour before she was woken by her brother.
“The commander’s here,” he said, “he wants to talk to us.”
The commander, looking very tired, but light of step than Sorore had ever seen him, waited by the fire. He was talking with Kieren and the two remaining legionarries in the fast-paced trading tongue of the city, but stopped when he saw the girl come downstairs.
“My lady,” he said, “it seems there’s been a huge misunderstanding.”
She realized that it was his manner of dress which was throwing her off. Instead of his usual worn and thoroughly practical travelling clothes, he wore the long flowing silks of orange and cream. It suited him, matching his calm personality.
“What misunderstanding?” she said.
“Well, we had no idea that our own Aya was the granddaughter of Aystara Eisen herself. I was surprised as anyone. Of course, I knew she was an Eisen, from her mother.”
He looked at Kieren, who looked like she was about to fall asleep.
“But I never imagined that she was a direct descendent of the main house. I thought she was part of the branch, not necessary to cause any fuss, especially during the preparation of the festival. Ah!”
He slapped his head to indicate his shock at the realisation.
“What a terrible mistake I’ve made,” he said, patting the woman’s arm, “this is all on my horrendous lack of judgement. Here’s what’s going to happen, one of these gentlemen and trader Amicio will be vouching for me at the gate. I’m going to the Eisen estate and having a friendly chat with the matriarch, to clear up this misunderstanding.”
Sorore felt at last some suggestion that someone around the city knew what was happening and what they were going to do.
“Here’s what I need you and your brother to do,” Naia said, “I want you to wait and enjoy the hospitality of the madame of the house.”
The term seemed to flatter Kieren, who flushed at the complement. Or that might’ve been the drink, Sorore wasn’t entirely sure.
“Niche, you take care of them. I expect that I might be at the estate for the rest of the night, and possibly onto next afternoon. Things are always so chaotic around the Festival. There’s no reason for you not to attend the festival opening tomorrow, if you can.”
“You want us to attend a festival?” said Niche in disbelief, “right now?”
“Well, not right now, it hasn’t started yet,” said the commander, “but, if Kieren would graciouslly agree to take you as guest of honour, you’d have excellent seats. If that’s not too much to ask, especially after our little debacle.”
Kieren nodded, and affirmed that she wouldn’t mind at all, if the matter was going to be soon cleared up. Sorore was now certain that it wasn’t just alcohol.
“Great. You’re all taken care of, now I’d better explain myself. If you wouldn’t mind,” he said, pointing to the quarter full glass, which Kieren handed to him. The commander downed it all in one, rolled his shoulders, and smiled.
“Don’t worry. It’ll all work out in the end,” he said, “in fact, I would say to enjoy yourselves, as much as you can. And best go back to bed, unless you want to be sleeping during the festival, which, I assure you from experience, you do not.”
Before they could say anything, the commander had swept by them, vanishing out of the front of the pyramid.
“You should heed him,” said Kieren, picking up the decanter and the glass and moving towards the kitchens, “if you’re stuck here for the time being, you might as well enjoy it And that starts with getting good sleep.”
“Last time you said that, we woke up to armed guards,” Niche said flatly.
“Well, I assure you, I’m not boring enough to do that a second time. It would be assassin’s from across the streets, who approach over the rooftops.”
“Do they actually exist?” asked Frare, suddenly excited.
“Oh, I’m sure,” said Kieren as she stowed away her drinking equipment, “but not tonight. Go get some sleep sir paladin, and you two young ones as well. You’ll need it.”
Sorore was cajoled up the steps, Frare coming up after her. Niche seemed placated enough for the time being, though he was clearly unhappy with the outcome. The pleasant dreams neglected to revisit for a second time, but at least the sleep was uninterrupted. When Soroe next awoke, it was a young handmadein, pulling open the screen doors.
“Good morning, my lady,” she said, “how did you sleep?”
“I- well enough, I suppose,” she said, stretching and yawning, before quickly covering her mouth.
The maid had the presence of mind not to notice as she revealed the bright sunlight streaming through the open balcony.
“It must almost be midday!” Sorore exclaimed, leaping out of the bed as she tried to straighten herself.
The maid chuckled as she finished opening up the room.
“Not to fear, my lady,” she said, “it’s customary to sleep into the early afternoon. The Festival does not start until just before sunset, afterall. In fact, you might be earlier than many of the household.”
“Oh,” Soroe said, feeling rather foolish, “Um. Well, I guess I’ll get dressed.”
“Of course. I’ve left out some clothes for you. Madame Kieren suggested that you try clothes from our city. I hope you’ll love them. Do you bathe?”
Sorore wrinkled her nose at the prospect. What kind of question was that?
“Of course I do,” she said.
“Well, there’s a place to bath at the bottom of the pyramid. If you wish to bath alone, you should go now - I’ll bring you clothes for you to change at the waterfront.”
“You bathe together here?” Sorore said
“In the mornings and evenings,” she said, “we do not bring water up into the house if we cannot avoid it. To the stone goes the sea, and to the home goes the sky.”
She looked around, then leaned in with a smile.
“Also, water is very troublesome to carry up all those flights.”
“So just come down to the waterfront?” she said, gathering up what spare things she needed.
“Just follow me, my lady,” said the handmaiden, picking up a pile of clothes and leading her down the stairs.
They emerged onto an inset pool carved into the pyramid interior. A smooth stone deck, with benches and chairs and stacks of towels, as well as several large paper screens, presumably for changing. Sorore was glad to see they were alone, at least for the time being.
At the handmaid, Kiroe’s, direction, she stripped down naked and plunged into the pool. The water was a perfect temperature - cold enough to dispel the last of the grogginess, warm enough to be pleasant to float in. She swam around for a bit, constrained by the relatively small volume, while Kiroe prepared her outfit on the deck.
“Do you mind if I join you?” came a voice from the other end.
Kieren slipped out of a thin morning dress and stepped into the water. Sorore swam over and came to stand beside her.
“Is there any news? About Aya and the commander?” she said, a little too quickly.
Kieren, who’d been sinking into the water with a sigh of contentment, opened one eye.
“Straight to business? Perhaps you are better suited to the city than I thought.”
Sorore tried to smile, but her concern was betrayed, judging by the woman’s softening of expression.
“My knowledge is limited. My uncle is serving as our representative for now. Sounds like your commander was at least allowed to make his case to the Eisen. He made note of one other companion of yours.”
“Oh? Who?” she said, pushing out into the pool, feeling the water surge over her shoulders.
“A man in black clothes,” she said, “who hides his face behind a mask. He was there for the meeting.”
“The mage?” said Sorore, before considering that she maybe shouldn’t have mentioned it.
“A mage?” said Kieren, before submerging herself in the water.
She tossed her hair back as she came back up, spraying water in a neat arc.
“Well, that explains his odd demeanour,” she said, “now, regrettably, that’s all the time I have today for bathing. I will see you at the festival.”
“Hello cousin! May I join- oh,” came a voice from the steps leading out.
It was Ivers, dressed in nothing but a loose robe, which was already half-way off his body, sculpted with muscle from hauling rope and tackle. Sorore stifled a gasp and turned away, trying not to redden.
“I can come back later,” he offered.
“Do you mind?” Kieren said to Sorore, “if you do, it’d be best to finish soon and let others bathe.”
“No, no,” she said, waving her host away.
Kiero had warned her, after all. It would be best to become accustomed to the strange ways of this beautiful city. Besides, it’s not like she hadn’t bathed before in the company of men her age back home. She cursed herself for being so self-conscious, and forced herself to turn around.
“Are you sure? I can leave if you want, it’s not-” Ivers began.
“No, it’s fine. It’s fine,” Sorore said, smiling at him, “it’d be good to have companionship.”
“Well, then, Ivers, I trust you’ll behave yourself,” said Kieren rising from the water.
“Of course, cousin,” Ivers said, casting his eyes to the floor.
Sorore tried not to take a wicked pleasure at the blush that crept across his dark complexion.
“Oh, one more thing,” whispered her host, bending over to the girl, “it’s considered polite to not look when they’re outside the water.”
Kieren laughed at Sorore’s own furious blush as she made for one of the poolside changing screens.
[←Chapter 63] [Cover Art] [My Links] [Index] [Discord] [Subreddit] [Chapter 65→]

For context, I'm White and non-binary; my wife is Filipina. We met and got married in South Korea, where we still live. My wife was born in the Philippines but immigrated with her family to New York City when she was six. As a result she's lost a lot of her native Tagalog and is culturally very American. We recently took a long vacation to visit her parents and mine since we got married both quickly and overseas and haven't had the chance to meet either sets of in-laws in person until now. We started by visiting her parents for two weeks.
Holy shit.
I don't know a ton about Filipino culture, (like I said, my wife's primary culture is American) so please correct me if these are culture clashes or personality conflicts.
They want me to be social ALL THE TIME. The only person I've shared a home with within the past two and a half years is my wife, and we are both introverts who understand the importance of Alone Time. I feel like a dick retreating to the guest room for recharge time but I'd be a grumpy, checked-out asshole all the time without them. Also they had a whole ass party for Memorial Day and didn't think to warn my sleepy, jetlagged, no-bra, messy-haired ass that there would be a bunch of people I'd never met coming over and wanting to meet me. Thanks, guys.
Her mom keeps trying to shove more food in me than I want. I absolutely hate people insisting more than once. If I refuse twice, TRUST ME I DO NOT WANT IT. I love her cooking, but I just can't pack down seconds after I've made my plate with as much food as I know I'll eat. And again I'm subtly made to feel like an asshole for having that boundary. Not to mention she just... leaves food out on the stove overnight. Ew. (And no, not Filipino dishes designed to keep without refrigeration. I'm talking things like chicken curry and beef tacos.)
The lateness. Oh. My. Gods. THE LATENESS. They're comfortable being HOURS late on planned outings. The other day was my wife's birthday and the plan was to go out to lunch. My dumb ass believed "lunchtime" meant eating sometime between 11 and 1, but NO, GUESS I'M THE IDIOT for not eating pre-lunch and trusting my breakfast bagel to be sufficient since we didn't leave until 1:30, ran a 30 minute errand, (did I mention it was my wife's BIRTHDAY?) THEN drove to the restaurant 45 minutes away. And I'm the dick for being hangry.
I'm just tired and frustrated and frankly missing Korea and having my own godsdamned space.

Hello all. I am M19 and this past year since attending a Christian university have really begun to take my faith seriously for the first time and have seen so much spiritual growth in myself. The more I learn, study, and research the more I find myself being drawn to Catholicism. For context, I was raised in a Southern Baptist church with wonderful Christlike parents who always put Christ first in everything growing up. With that said, lately I’ve begun to feel like contemporary Protestant churches and services lack a sort of reverence and holiness that Jesus deserves. I almost feel like it’s sort of lazy not to put a stronger emphasis on making God’s house a beautiful and reverent place. More traditional churches and services (ie. High church) have really begun to appeal to me and I’m seriously considering Catholicism. However I’ve never been to a Mass and would have no idea what to expect, but more intimidating, my entire family and all of my friends are Protestant, mostly Baptists with some Presbyterians and Methodists. So my question is how should I go about starting my path to Catholicism and what if I face pushback from my family and friends? Thanks.

I'm sorry this is going to be long but I really need to say what I never got to say just because I was ashamed and I feel like I'm not legit. And sorry if there are grammar mistakes I used Google translate. I don't know if it's important but I'm a girl and I'm 16
When I was 12 I tried to kill myself and I had no reason to want to die. everything was pretty much going well in my life today I still don't understand why I wanted to die and if I really wanted to die. The only things wrong with my life was that I had no confidence in myself at all, I've always been fat and ugly and sometimes I was laughed at for it but it wasn't often, I 've always been lonely since I was little I didn't interact much with others, I was not very well integrated and put aside. But I had a few friends and I was hanging out with a group of girls in which I felt quite alone, they hardly spoke to me but it was also my fault because I had trouble imposing myself in discussions but above all I was weird there were days when I didn't speak and others when I spoke too much, they almost all knew that I was often deprimed and that I scarified myself I understand that people find that repulsive. I was terrified every day before going to college even though I often had pretty good days. (I know it's quite contradictory but it's true) (and for the scarifications, I don't know why I scarified myself either, and if everyone knew it it was because a friend had discovered it and she I had said to everyone)) that was about the only things that were wrong in my life and honestly I don't think that justified my desire to die.
After trying to end my life I was hospitalized in a psychiatric hospital I stayed there for 1 month, I lived it quite badly. I didn't see my family very much, I was often alone and always tired from the medication. But above all the psychologists thought that I was lying about the reasons for my suicide attempt, I had told them that I didn't know why I had done that and they had told my mother that I was hiding things from them. I think that's why I no longer dared confide in psychologists, I didn't want to be called a liar. And when they let me out of the hospital, the doctors told my mother that I would go back to the hospital and they were right.
when I was 13 I tried to kill myself again (I still don't know why) (in the meantime I had to see psychologists several times a week and I was diagnosed with depression, social and school phobia)) I was hospitalized again even though I had begged my mother not to accept the hospitalization because she knew very well that it had not helped me at all and that it was hard for me but she ignored it. Like the first time, I was alone, the doctors don't let me see my family much, I spent Christmas in the hospital and I had to beg them crying to agree to let me spend New Year's with my family it was humiliating. They stuffed me with so many anxiolytics that I slept all day I was a zombie. after more than a month I left the hospital, I continued to see psychologists.
But little by little I stopped seeing them, I stopped going to college, I lost the only friends I had left, I stopped taking my medicine and I started to sink in my depression, I no longer did anything, I no longer saw anyone, I no longer went out, I've gained a lot of weight, I lost interest in everything. And here I am, 4 years later. Nothing got better, everything got worse and now at least I have reason to want to die but I don't want to die. During all this time I lived through my depression, it is no longer me who thinks but her. I have no life plans, my mother puts pressure on me to find a job because as I no longer go to school we have problems with the law so as for me it is impossible to return to school so I have to work but that too is impossible for me. No one understands me I would never be able to find a job I'm so afraid of the outside world, afraid of others, afraid of life. I can't get out of my room, even to go shopping with my mother, I can't. I'm getting nowhere, I don't know what to do. How could I have wasted my life in such a short time, and damn how is it possible to be depressed and have tried to kill myself for no reason how is it possible. I think the worst thing is not knowing why I'm like this. I think I have mental problems I don't know what I have, why I'm like this. Holy shit I'm so scared, I want to disappear.

What I mean is, a moment where you're in a religion because of your family and you discover why it doesn't feel right to you. The moment where you're like "Oh! This is actually toxic and I don't believe in this! So that's why!"
For me, when I was 12-13, I was REALLY into screamo and death metal (still am). And my mother (who was a Catholic Jew- how the fuck that works, I have no idea but she combined the two) did a Hebrew exorcism on me because I expressed that I liked alt clothing and music.
After that, I kept that interest a secret. I discovered the song "House of Wolves" by Bring Me the Horizon and I was like 'Holy shit...it's because I just don't have any reason to believe in this whole thing!'
For anyone unfamiliar with the song, PLEASE look it up or at least read the lyrics. It's absolutely chef's kiss and goes fucking hard.

I'm sorry this is going to be long but I really need to say what I never got to say just because I was ashamed and I feel like I'm not legit. And sorry if there are grammar mistakes I used Google translate. Sorry if this is the wrong subreddit to post this. I don't know if it's important but I'm a girl and I'm 16
When I was 12 I tried to kill myself and I had no reason to want to die. everything was pretty much going well in my life today I still don't understand why I wanted to die and if I really wanted to die. The only things wrong with my life was that I had no confidence in myself at all, I've always been fat and ugly and sometimes I was laughed at for it but it wasn't often, I 've always been lonely since I was little I didn't interact much with others, I was not very well integrated and put aside. But I had a few friends and I was hanging out with a group of girls in which I felt quite alone, they hardly spoke to me but it was also my fault because I had trouble imposing myself in discussions but above all I was weird there were days when I didn't speak and others when I spoke too much, they almost all knew that I was often deprimed and that I scarified myself I understand that people find that repulsive. I was terrified every day before going to college even though I often had pretty good days. (I know it's quite contradictory but it's true) (and for the scarifications, I don't know why I scarified myself either, and if everyone knew it it was because a friend had discovered it and she I had said to everyone)) that was about the only things that were wrong in my life and honestly I don't think that justified my desire to die.
After trying to end my life I was hospitalized in a psychiatric hospital I stayed there for 1 month, I lived it quite badly. I didn't see my family very much, I was often alone and always tired from the medication. But above all the psychologists thought that I was lying about the reasons for my suicide attempt, I had told them that I didn't know why I had done that and they had told my mother that I was hiding things from them. I think that's why I no longer dared confide in psychologists, I didn't want to be called a liar. And when they let me out of the hospital, the doctors told my mother that I would go back to the hospital and they were right.
when I was 13 I tried to kill myself again (I still don't know why) (in the meantime I had to see psychologists several times a week and I was diagnosed with depression, social and school phobia)) I was hospitalized again even though I had begged my mother not to accept the hospitalization because she knew very well that it had not helped me at all and that it was hard for me but she ignored it. Like the first time, I was alone, the doctors don't let me see my family much, I spent Christmas in the hospital and I had to beg them crying to agree to let me spend New Year's with my family it was humiliating. They stuffed me with so many anxiolytics that I slept all day I was a zombie. after more than a month I left the hospital, I continued to see psychologists.
But little by little I stopped seeing them, I stopped going to college, I lost the only friends I had left, I stopped taking my medicine and I started to sink in my depression, I no longer did anything, I no longer saw anyone, I no longer went out, I've gained a lot of weight, I lost interest in everything. And here I am, 4 years later. Nothing got better, everything got worse and now at least I have reason to want to die but I don't want to die. During all this time I lived through my depression, it is no longer me who thinks but her. I have no life plans, my mother puts pressure on me to find a job because as I no longer go to school we have problems with the law so as for me it is impossible to return to school so I have to work but that too is impossible for me. No one understands me I would never be able to find a job I'm so afraid of the outside world, afraid of others, afraid of life. I can't get out of my room, even to go shopping with my mother, I can't. I'm getting nowhere, I don't know what to do. How could I have wasted my life in such a short time, and damn how is it possible to be depressed and have tried to kill myself for no reason how is it possible. I think the worst thing is not knowing why I'm like this. I think I have mental problems I don't know what I have, why I'm like this. Holy shit I'm so scared, I want to disappear.

I'm new around here so I want to share something to get to know me.
My parents became jw before I was born and I was dunked in the holy water at the ripe age of 9! By the time I was 17, I was reproved twice for listening to satanic music and soft shunned. At 21 I was on the right path for my elders and family to praise me.
I went to Bethel but when my father died in a car accident I was sent home to care for my badly injured mother. I was never allowed to return to Bethel. I was 22 and a caregiver for my severely injured mom and she never recovered her capabilities again. I cared for her for 15 years until she passed. She professed to be anointed and we had many good times together.
Sadly, at almost 40 I was alone, single, and wounded. I thought I'd be okay financially but learned all the inheritance I thought I was getting was given to the good org WT! I had no real working experience, no money, no girl, and no plans for this world to keep going.
After another 5 years, I was on my way out and waking up.
Should I share my story on what it was that opened my eyes?

🎺 Hark! 🎺 Your Latter-day Saint newsletter has arrived with a heavenly selection of fresh content! 😇 Gather your angelic team and embark with us on a joyful journey through inspiring stories, divine discussions, and miraculous memes. Pro tip: Don't forget to bring your brass trumpet and revelation glasses! 😉 Ready, set, blast off into another exciting edition! 🚀
Dan Peterson shares his experience of exploring the Lake District in England, and how the natural beauty there can remind us of our pre-mortal existence. read more here.
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints reports that Elder Ulisses Soares of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles visited Uruguay President Luis Lacalle Pou in Montevideo, Uruguay. Read more here.
Kurt Manwaring analyzes the forensic evidence of the controversial Smith-Larsen daguerreotype photograph and argues that it could potentially be Joseph Smith. Read more here.
Becky Douglas shares a personal experience of showing gratitude through service to those in need, and explores other ways to express thanks beyond just saying it. read more here.
BYU Religious Education introduces Episode 81 of the Y Religion podcast, featuring Professor Matthew Grey discussing the history of Christian worship spaces and how they connect to Church buildings today. Listen to the podcast here.
The Saints Unscripted team interview LDS Scholar Brian Hales to address claims that Joseph Smith did not practice polygamy, providing historical evidence and addressing specific claims made against Joseph Smith's polygamy. Watch the video here.
Lavender shares her story about her husband leaving the church, which led to communication and validation of doubts, and how COVID changed her perspective on rituals in her home for her family, where every member feels valued regardless of gender or belief. Read more here.
The followHIM podcast discusses the difference between having a testimony and being converted, emphasizing the importance of not just believing in the gospel, but also putting it into action through faithful obedience. Listen to the podcast here.
Diana Webb writes about the events that took place in the Garden of Gethsemane in "Come, Follow Me for Sunday School: Matthew 26; Mark 14; Luke 22; John 18 “Not as I Will, but as Thou Wilt”" for Meridian Magazine, discussing how it was a pivotal moment in not only the Savior's life but in all of humanity's.
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has dedicated a new, advanced Global Distribution Services Center in Salt Lake City, Utah. Bishop Gérald Caussé was responsible for conducting the dedication on June 8, 2023. Read more here.
Julie Coulter Bellon, a published author, recommends two books for a perfect lazy afternoon reading: "Along a Breton Shore" by Arlem Hawks, a French Revolution epic tale of self-discovery and survival with credible relationship growth, and "How to Kiss Your Enemy" by Jenny Proctor, a contemporary romantic comedy about two chefs whose rivalry ignites passion beneath.
The Unshaken Youtube channel teaches a verse-by-verse Come Follow Me study of Luke 22 and John 18 in part 2, focusing on betrayal, Lion & Lamb, the severed ear, accepting His fate, judging Judas, the field of blood, Caiaphas' palace, bitter tears, judging Peter, and more. Watch the video here.
In her One Minute Scripture Study podcast, Cali Black shares her favorite scripture study tip and applies it to John 14:26, inviting listeners to really dive into the words of scripture. She also provides resources for further study, including a daily devotional book, a simplified New Testament outline, and her own scripture study guide. Read more here.
Larry Richman invites readers to participate in the "Rescuing Our Roots" project by BillionGraves, which aims to break the Guinness World Record for the most headstone photos uploaded in 24 hours on June 25th. Interested participants can learn more and join the project at BillionGraves.com/Rescue. read more here.
Richard Ostler shares the story of Cole Conner, a young man who left and returned to the LDS Church due to his same-sex attraction, being bullied, and feeling anger towards the Church. After exploring life outside the Church, Cole found sustained joy and peace by returning to the gospel, acknowledging his spiritual identity is straight, and hoping for a future to marry a woman and have a family. His story highlights the gospel principles that can help us all find hope, peace, and love from our Heavenly Parents and Savior. Listen to the full podcast episode on Soundcloud.
Skyler Sorensen writes in Meridian Magazine about the Church's message to support LGBT+ Saints, but to avoid the radicalism of the pride movement and instead focus on a path that leads to the peace of the gospel. This message includes engaging with LGBT+ people without condoning their behaviors, and supporting them while remaining obedient to the teachings of the gospel.  read more here.
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has issued a letter from the First Presidency emphasizing the importance of political participation and voting, while also reaffirming the Church's political neutrality. The letter urges members to carefully study candidates and vote for those demonstrating integrity and service, rather than simply voting based on tradition or party affiliation. Read more here.
Elder Ulisses Soares of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles met with Uruguay President Luis Lacalle Pou on Wednesday, June 7, 2023, at the President’s residence in Montevideo, where they discussed the empowering of families and individuals for the growth of Uruguay. Elder Soares visited as part of his weeklong visit to South America, which also includes visits to Chile and Argentina. The Uruguayan leader is familiar with the Church of Jesus Christ, having attended a religious liberty symposium at Brigham Young University in 2019 and having had his father (former Uruguay President Luis Alberto Lacalle) speak with Latter-day Saint youth in Montevideo in 1992. To read more about this visit, visit the Church Newsroom.
Stephen Carter, a renowned Mormon author and cultural commentator, was recently presented with the Smith-Pettit Foundation Award for Outstanding Contribution to Mormon Letters during the 2023 Association for Mormon Letters Virtual Conference on April 29th. Read more here.
Newell D. Wright discusses the important role the Holy Ghost plays in the Book of Moroni and how it transforms human beings into redeemed members of God's kingdom. Three phrases highlighting the Holy Ghost's connection to charity are analyzed. Read more here.
Kyler Rasmussen shares a summary of the article "The Holy Ghost in the Book of Moroni: Possessed of Charity" by Newell D. Wright and Val Larsen in Volume 57 of Interpreter: A Journal of Latter-day Saint Faith and Scholarship, discussing the role of the Holy Ghost in the book of Moroni. Read more here.
The FAIR staff provides faithful resources for studying John 14-17 in Come, Follow Me for week 24 of 2023. Read more here.
Pam Peebles discusses how LDS Chaplains administered to servicemembers during wars in a post on the Third Hour blog, and shares a link to a video episode of Saints Unscripted on this topic. read more here.
Robert L. Millet discusses ways to promote fidelity to God, a quality that is becoming rarer in society today, in honor of Fidelity Month. Read more here.

From time to time its asked just how tolerant the Imperium is, how this galaxy wide government imposes its faith. With how large the Imperium is, and how inneficient the FTL travel and communication is, its only natural that the faith isnt uniform. But, how does said faith varies? What is and what isn't allowed. In the excerpt, we can see some explanations
A Life of Worship
The Emperor has a profound effect in the lives of the people he protects. To most, He is everywhere and everything. Part of every citizen’s life is to honour the Emperor, often on a daily basis, for the protection and guidance that He provides. How they honour Him, however, will of course vary depending on where they live and just how they choose to view the Emperor. For example, on the world of Acreage, the priests of the High King teach that the Emperor is the “King of the Sky”; sky-mill workers must keep there eyes averted from the heavens when they work high above the ground, lest they anger Him with their impudence. Villages often make “candle-balloons” in which to offer their prayers. On the mining world of Luggnum, the pit-shafts are so dangerous that all miners undertake hour-long blessings by the station abbot before they descend. Miners that have refused or avoided such blessings are scorned (or even killed) by their co-workers, lest they bring ill-luck to all, proving that perhaps the blessing does in fact protect from harm. Then there are worlds like Dwimlicht, a feral world far from the civilized core of the sector, where primitive locals see the Emperor as a mighty star-god and shave their heads so that at night He might look into their minds with His million eyes and see that they are faithful.
Whatever the world’s particular teachings, almost universally, citizens pray before work, before meals and before downtime. They thank the Emperor for what they have and pray to Him for what they desire. As most citizens of the Imperium are poorly educated, often knowing only what they need to do their jobs, prayer and the teachings of the Ministorum are all they know of the galaxy or world beyond their homes. They often believe wholeheartedly that if they do not pray to the Emperor and follow the instructions of His clerics, they risk their very souls (a belief unfortunately justified on many worlds). Over time, citizens become entwined in the rituals of worship, so that daily prayers to the Emperor are as natural to them as breathing. For most, this is as far as they come in their religious observance, convinced of their faith, living and dying without ever questioning the Ministorum or the god it serves.
Of course there are those who stray from the path. Paying no more than lip service to the Imperial Creed, these people forget their faith (if indeed they ever had it) and instead choose to see the Emperor as a distant overlord, ruling an empire that He will never see from a state of neither death nor life. Such folk choose to live by their own set of morals and ethics, though usually they have little of either. On many advanced worlds these kinds of people thrive. Where the rise of technology has overshadowed spirituality and wonder, so too does it undermine the belief in a power greater than mankind. Such places can be breeding grounds for the faithless or for those that would scorn the power of the Emperor for more tangible and immediate rewards.
For many citizens, however, the truth is, as always, somewhere between fevered worship and the brink of heresy. Most citizens pray at their local shrine once a ten-cycle, and invoke the Emperor’s name to protect them from evil; but beyond this they go about their daily lives like everybody else.
A Question of Faith
Just what your PC believes, when it comes to the Imperial Creed is up to you. All Acolytes have been raised in the shadow of the Cult of the Emperor and cannot doubt His influence and the power of the Imperium. However, deciding to accept or reject any of the myriad of nuances making up His religion, such as the stock placed in certain saints or the best way to interpret His will, is up to you to decide. The following questions may be used to help you round out your character’s religious beliefs.
How was the Emperor revered on your home world?
The worship of the Emperor varies greatly from world to world and, quite often different cultures focus on a key aspect of His power. For instance, on an agri-world it might be the grace of the Emperor that protects and nurtures their crops and villages, while keeping them safe in the night. Hence the population would view Him as a benevolent figure that guides and shelters them. Alternatively on a penal world, the Emperor is a harsh judge and overseer who weighs your every deed and strikes you down if you are found wanting. Here the population would view Him as an unquestionable overlord to be obeyed and feared. These various experiences colour how you see the Emperor and His role in your character’s life; even though your circumstances may have now changed, you remember the mighty Star-God or glowering statues of your childhood.
Were there any saints on your home world?
Many worlds have their own saints, whether sanctioned by the Ecclesiarchy or not. This helps people to better relate to the Emperor and His Creed. After all, at one time or another, saints were humans who lived, struggled and died in His name. If your character grew up on a world where the Ecclesiarchy was strong, it is likely that he or she would have also been taught about some of the many saints of the Imperium and be able to name each of the twenty-three trials of Quirdas, or tell the story of Kinorr the Pure and the three-armed Ork for instance. You would also have been taught about any local saints, such as the founder of your world (provided he was not a foul traitor who resisted the Imperium in any way). All this, of course, is not to say that a character born far from the schooling of the Ecclesiarchy could not come from a world blessed by saints. In many primitive cultures, for instance, the first warrior to approach the skyship when it landed is credited for “welcoming” the Emperor to their world (whether he got a bolt shell for his troubles or not).
Are there any saints that you personally identify with?
Where the Cult of the Emperor is strong, so too is the influence of its saints. On such devout worlds, when a child first receives the blessing of the Emperor it is not uncommon for the residing cleric to choose a saint to watch over the infant, sometimes adding the saint’s name to that of the child. These guardian saints are said to follow the person through his life, helping him to overcome his problems and finally, when he dies, usher him into the Emperor’s light. Sometimes, people come to have a guardian saint through other means, such as a man who nearly drowns taking up the worship of Epps the Unwell, saint of dangerous environments, for example. So it is possible, either though his upbringing or a chance event, that your character may have a very close relationship with one or more saints, praying to them regularly and looking to them for guidance in times of need.
How do you believe people should best serve the Emperor?
The people of the Imperium are often taught that they serve the Emperor in everything they do, whether it is vanquishing His foes or cleaning bilges on His cargo ships. However, most citizens of the Imperium believe that certain tasks please the Emperor more than others. For example, many believe that there is no greater service to the Emperor than killing His foes, be they aliens, heretics or witches. These people claim that His favour can only be found by wading through a sea of xenos blood. Others extol the virtues of self-deprivation and abstinence, claiming that the true light of the Emperor can only be found within our frail mortal shell. These folk suggest fasting and flagellating as the means to seek His grace. Some believe that what the Emperor truly desires is souls to cry out His name in worship, demanding that His word be spread to new worlds in order to turn unbelievers from their wicked ways and into His light. Of course it can be all of these or none, and ultimately it is up to you to choose just what your character believes.
What do you believe will happen when you die?
The Imperium is a violent, perilous place where life is cheap and death is common. For citizens on even the most stable and safe of worlds, most expect a lifetime of toil that leads to an unmarked grave. For this reason, the Ministorum teaches that, through service and sacrifice to the Emperor, the faithful can find eternal peace beyond the gates of death. For many, it is enough to know that no matter how terrible their lives or the drudgery of their days, this reward awaits them. Some, however, know more than they care to about the nature of the universe and the things lurking beyond the veil of death. Acolytes often know or have seen things that can alter their perception of death and what lies beyond, all of which is tied closely to their religious outlook. It is possible that every action your character makes is a step along the path to his eternal reward at the Emperor’s side, or perhaps your Acolyte has seen too much and knows that all they have to look forward to is the chilling madness of the warp. In either case, with such a risky occupation, your character’s feelings about death can have a profound effect on his personality and how he reacts to others.
How has the Ministorum affected your life?
Finally, the most important aspect about how your character feels about the Ecclesiarchy and the worship of the Emperor comes down to how he or she was treated by those that claim to work in His name. Perhaps he was treated well by the faith, raised by caring, if strict, abbots and clerics of the Schola Progenium and he views all those who wear the mantle of the Ministorum with respect and obedience. On the other hand, your character might have seen his family and friends put to the torch for trivial crimes in the name of the Emperor by corrupt and cruel confessors, leaving him with a deep distrust of those who claim to work in His holy name. This can be made more complicated by the fact that the Ministorum is often at odds with itself, and, like the Inquisition, there are equal amounts of the faithful and the flawed in its ranks.

You useless piece of shit. You absolute waste of space and air. You uneducated, ignorant, idiotic dumb swine, you’re an absolute embarrassment to humanity and all life as a whole.
The magnitude of your failure just now is so indescribably massive that one hundred years into the future your name will be used as moniker of evil for heretics. Even if all of humanity put together their collective intelligence there is no conceivable way they could have thought up a way to fuck up on the unimaginable scale you just did.
When Jesus died for our sins, he must not have seen the sacrilegious act we just witnessed you performing, because if he did he would have forsaken humanity long ago so that your birth may have never become reality.
After you die, your skeleton will be displayed in a museum after being scientifically researched so that all future generations may learn not to generate your bone structure, because every tiny detail anyone may have in common with you degrades them to a useless piece of trash and a burden to society.
No wonder your father questioned whether or not your were truly his son, for you'd have to not be a waste of carbon matter for anyone to love you like a family member.
Your birth made it so that mankind is worse off in every way you can possibly imagine, and you have made it so that society can never really recover any state of organization. Everything has forever fallen into a bewildering chaos, through which unrecognizable core, you can only find misfortune.
I would say the apocalypse is upon us but this is merely the closest word humans have for the sheer scale of horror that is now reality. You have forever condemned everyone you love and know into an eternal state of suffering, worse than any human concept of hell.
You are such an unholy being, that if you step within a one hundred foot radius of a holy place or a place that has ever been deemed important by anyone, your distorted religious soul will ruin whatever meaning it ever had beyond repair.
You are an idiotic, shiteating, dumbass ape and no one has ever loved you. You are a lying, backstabbing, cowardly useless piece of shit and I hate you with every single part of my being.
Even this world's finest writers and poets from throughout the ages could never hope to accurately describe the scale on which you just fucked up, and how incredibly idiotic you are.
Anyone that believes in any religion out there should now realize that they have been wrong this entire time, for if divine beings were real, they would never have allowed a being such as you to stain the earth and this universe.
In the future there will be horror stories made about you, with the scariest part of them being that the reader has to realize that such an indescribable monster actually exists, and that the horrific events from the movie have actually taken place in the same world that they live in right now.
You are the absolute embodiment of everything that has ever been wrong on this earth, yet even that would only represent a small part of your evil. Never in the history of mankind has there been anyone that could have predicted such an abomination, but here you are.
It’s hard to believe that I am seeing such an incredible failure with my own eyes, but here I am, so unfortunately I cannot deny your existence. Even if I did my very best, my vocabulary is not able to describe the sheer magnitude of the idiotic mistake that is you.
Even if time travel some day will be invented, there still would not be a single soul willing to go back in time to this moment to fix history, because having to witness such incredible horrors would have too many mental and physical drawbacks that not even the bravest soul in history would be willing to risk it.
I cannot imagine the pure dread your mother must have felt when she had to carry a baby for nine months and then giving birth to such a wretched monster as you. Not a single word of the incoherent, illogical rambling you may be wanting to do to defend yourself or apologize would ever be able to make up for what you just did.
The countries of the world would have wanted to make laws preventing such a terrible event like this from ever happening again, but sadly this is not possible since your horrific actions just now have shattered every form of order this world once had, making concepts such as laws irrelevant.
Right from the moment I first set my eyes on you I knew you were an absolute abomination of everything that is wrong with humanity. I was hoping I would have been able to prevent your evil from being released upon this world by tagging along and keeping my eye on you, but it is clear to me now that not even the greatest efforts would have been able to prevent a terrible event in this scale from occurring.

I pulled her card from my lockbox today. I couldn’t bring myself to remove it from its wrapping though. I’ll explain the card in a little while. Even in just that briefest of moments though, the tears became too thick. I so wanted to see her name. Instead I decided to only go back to the memories. They bring enough tears. So I put the card back but need to tell my story of that memory. So thank you for your time in letting me indulge dear Reader. I know your time is precious and I am loquacious of a sort.
The place I used to work at a long, long time ago, Croc’s, was an odd duck. It was a Transformer of sorts. During the day and early evening it was a damn good Mexican restaurant. One of the best in town. Lunch was insane. Dinner was a respite. But on Friday, Saturdays, some Thursdays, and almost every holiday eve, it was… I don’t even have words. Nothing like what went on in those walls had been seen in Denver at the time. We had lines around blocks. The plural is not a mistake. On those nights, Croc’s was THE place to be in Denver. The owners got there before everyone else and had hit a jackpot with the place. The Rockies were starting over at Mile High and moving to LoDo soon. LoDo was booming and we were in the middle of it partying like no tomorrow every night.
But this isn’t about that amazing place, that’s for another day. Nope. This is about her, her son and I. Or rather, about loss and memories. But it all started at Croc’s and you needed to know what a breath of a moment in time we shared there. Not on one of those crazy nights but one lazy Sunday when we were pretty slow.
I mentioned the restaurant was an odd duck. See, it was designed so that from breakfast through dinner and into very early evening, it was a purposeful, full-fledged, extremely popular, and well reviewed dining establishment. But after that, it was designed so we could remove every table, chair, stool and booth. We essentially turned the whole restaurant into a giant dance floor with a bar that spanned half the distance of the long wall topped with massive tequila and booze pyramids. The wells were at either end with a plant potter behind them for storage. It was split level(ish) with a few VIP areas squirreled away. State of the art DJ booth on the south end of the bar. Oh and did I mention we had a 28 foot replica of a Nile croc suspended from the roof named “Hal”.
The owners were a group of friends who had grown up in the business. One of them was from the family that started Senior Frogs and the like down in Mexico. They had all met and worked at some of the hottest places in the state and been to some of the craziest places around the Americas. So when I say no one had seen anything like it, they hadn’t. We had a person that would blow tequila from a custom bong into a partier's mouth from 30 feet away. Our DJ’s were the best in town. We poached the absolute best in talent from every bar in a 4000 mile radius. That movie “Cocktail”? Yeah, that was this place on steroids. Hell, beside myself and 1 or 2 other guys, our security eventually turned into off duty SWAT cops. All these places around Denver and, hell, around the country you see now? Yeah these guys started it right there in LoDo.
It was the paper and crayons we would put on every table though where my memory begins.
There had been other places that had done what we did with the butcher block paper. It went on every table with crayons. It wasn’t the most innovative thing there but it was fun and the patrons enjoyed it. Many great artists out there! And of course the kids loved it. A lot of the folks who lived around there would bring their kids with them for lunch or dinner. I worked a lot of Sunday day shifts because a) everyone was hung over and never wanted to work and b) it was usually a nice bit of quiet after two nights that would make Caligula jealous. Plus the people who did come in were usually pretty cool and just out for a good meal. It was pretty chill after all that joyous chaos.
My section was usually the front lifted area just in front of the potters and a few tables in the middle. I was splitting with the other server that day since it was more dead than usual. A beautiful Colorado day back then. Blue sky with puffy clouds. Perfect temperature with no wind so the front doors to the small little patio were open. You could smell the flowers from across the street. The other server let me know she had sat a couple of people at one of my four tops. Sounded good so I headed out to say hello.
It was customary for us to write our name on the paper when we showed up. It was hokie but everyone loved it. It was our way of saying welcome and have fun! Some servers could do it upside down but I could never get the hang of that.
I headed down the bar toward the front, preoccupied with getting my marker out for the intro. I remember coming around the corner of the potter and just kind of coming to a juddering stop at the top step, tripping and almost falling on my face. Luckily she was a little preoccupied with her son and getting him situated so she missed seeing me make a gobsmacked fool out of myself.
I luckily regained what little balance I could alongside some composure quick enough to walk up and say hi. She said hi and then kind of waited. “Oh yeah dumbass” I said to myself as I told her, or rather flubbed, my name as I wrote it in the corner so they could read it right side up. She giggled a little bit as most people did with my nickname at the time. I hadn’t noticed but her son had been waiting the whole time for that moment. He grabbed his crayon and wrote his name and her name in front of them. “That’s a good name isn’t it?” I asked him. I told him it was the same as mine but the longer version. He was a little surprised by this as I went by “Scooter” back then. It took a second but he quickly realized it was a nickname. He had signed the long version of our name and said that’s what he liked. Right on man, you got it. Damn smart kid. You can tell, ya know?
After that briefest of moments, I shook myself a little and introduced myself for, I think the fourth time now. She tells me her name but it is instantly gone. Not only because of the effect this moment is having on me, but just because I am bad with names on the first go around. I don’t think we heard what either was saying anyway. Our eyes were locked and in that moment, it was all that mattered somehow. I can remember how deeply they shined. Her hair was a little damp and unkempt like someone in a hurry but has that respect for herself. Dark like her eyes but shining from the light outside. A simple blue/light purple and white striped shirt. Slightly damp around the shoulders. Worn jeans. Not the designer type but jeans aged with a good strong life. Blue canvas deck shoes with the white souls if I remember that part right. Maybe black canvas. I saw all this without ever breaking her gaze.
It was as if in the same moment we both realized we were in the same place together but not there alone. A moment later we both found ourselves apologizing for talking over the other. Sheepishly, like teens on their first date. Giggling a bit. Not knowing what was happening but knowing that something most definitely was. I apologized for the awkwardness and I think I cracked a joke or something but neither of us knew what to do. There was a calm panic and, I dare to say, a longing that was unknown?
It was her son who brought us both back to reality. He had asked if we had Coke or Pepsi. I shook myself internally again and told him we had Coke but could find some Pepsi if he really wanted it. Luckily he was not a Pepsi kid. I also told him that, yes, I would be happy to add a cherry to it. This time though when I met his eyes, I looked at myself when I was that age, as I answered that question. I hadn’t noticed it. Like a mirror as they say. Dark brown hair full of cowlicks. Round face with a big smile. Getting that cherry meant the world to him. I remembered that same feeling again through him. It was like looking at a version of myself I only saw in pictures.
At this very second in time I remember being terrified. Not “scared” terrified. It was more like, holy shite is this happening? What is going on? I wanted to turn and run and hide but somehow regained what little composure was left in that split second. I turned back to her and saw that she had just seen what I had seen. I could see wonder, joy, confusion, happiness, peace, thrill, fear and hope that I am sure were being reflected in my own eyes. We both needed a few minutes. We each could see it. It was overwhelming. Again, not a bad overwhelming but one of those moments where you need to put your hands on your knees and take some big, deep breaths.
The whole 3 or 4 minutes were surreal. And I will never forget them. I will fight as hard as I can to hold onto the others I have of both of them.
Somehow I managed to Charlie Chaplin myself away to get their drink order. I believe hers was a Sprite with a lemon. Normally I would go right around the corner of the plant potter and get the sodas from the guns there. Instead I went all the way to the back station. I needed to breathe. It seemed like an hour but I headed back. By this time the son was going to town. He had talent and it showed. It seemed like we had regained ourselves somewhat but the whole meal was kind of like an episode out of a teen comedy. We giggled, laughed, blushed, and did all the other things you would expect to see from two teenagers who discover they like each other. It wasn’t like I was trying to stay with them, or they tried to keep me there. It just kind of happened. I’d start to go away and she would ask me back for something simple. I would bring something I had forgotten in case they needed it. The whole meal went that way.
When they were done and ready to go, I was dreading it. Should I ask her out? She had mentioned she was single. It felt like I should ask her out. Like I said, the whole visit was surreal. There was no ring or even a suntan line of one (Don’t judge me, it was a different time). I wasn’t seeing anyone either. We seemed to get along amazingly, both her and her son. Even my fellow server noticed and was egging me on. It was obvious. Doing something like that with a client back then happened. Not usually in the first 30 seconds but you never know. I made up my mind to walk them out as I had no other tables and see what happened. I took the check to the table. She was packing her bag. I had gotten a refill for his togo cup and handed it to him. He said thank you and said he drew something for me. They had carefully torn it from the paper and he handed it to me. It was the three of us holding hands. How I held the tears then I do not know. I was a different person there at that precise point in time. At this moment those tears are here though.
I bent down to his level and thanked him sincerely. He said he was glad I liked it and he hugged me. I heard her try to stifle her gasp. Thank any or no gods or whoever for him. He let go, grabbed his Mom’s hand and said he was ready to go. As I stood up I could see tears welling in her eyes. He hadn’t done that to another man in, what she said, was a very long time she would tell me in a quiet voice as we started to walk toward the door. That was it. I didn’t know what to do. I hadn’t even noticed that when we got to the big double doors, he had grabbed my hand. It just was there.
By this time I do not think either of us really knew what to do or what was going on. I mean, this was an impromptu outing to a place her son had liked because of the paper. It was a cheap and good lunch and then off to wherever for them and another table for me while I rolled silverware in the back or stocked the empty quicks from the previous night. But it seemed like it had been years together but only moments, if that makes sense? I certainly did not know what to do at this point. I think I mumbled what a delight it was to be able to spend time with them and I hoped they had enjoyed themselves or something like that. I honestly could not tell you. By this time she had regained herself somewhat. That girlishness turned into an elegance, beauty and strength that I had not seen before. But those same feelings exchanged in that momentary glance were still there. As was still a bit of moisture along the bottom of her eyes. We made a bit of small talk till he got a bit antsy and wanted to head off.
As we said our goodbyes that day, almost at the same time, we asked our questions. I asked if she would like to come by again soon with her son. His birthday was coming up I think and I could get the guys in back to make him something special. At least I think that was it. Her’s was if it would be ok if they came back soon. You know because the little guy liked drawing and the food. More childish giggling and laughing. And before she left she gave me her card and said to call if I was going to be working again on a Sunday or just whenever. As they walked together, hand in hand down and around the corner, I just stared at them and then the card over and over.
That very card I put back in a safe place tonight.
She was a designer as it turned out. I didn’t pry into her past as it sounded like it wasn’t all that great at times. She came by the restaurant a few more times after that. I then called once or twice to say hi and how they were doing and to let her know to come by. Eventually she asked me out. We spent some time together and it started to get a little more serious. She was a few years older but not by much. She was driven and forthright. Quick witted and compassionate. And such a good Mom with a massive heart. I was young then, somewhat good looking, fairly well paid and worked at the hottest spot in the state. And I had this woman I couldn’t get out of my head. Even my coworkers knew and could see what was going on whenever we were together. Either just the two of us or all three of us. Walking on clouds was an apt statement. At this point I want to point out that while I am no saint whatsoever, I do consider myself a decent person. At least I was back then and for the most part today. Things have changed as they always do but I digress.
Eventually the moment came. The serious date. She had a small but fantastic apartment downtown and wanted to make me dinner for once. I don’t think she was done asking before I said yes. We set a date for later that week. I remember it was a Saturday because me taking a night off from that place, with all its amazing moments each night to the amount of money you walked out with each night to leaving one of the other bouncers with one of the other guys he wasn’t used to, was a pretty big deal. Had to call in favors but everyone just said go. No one there batted an eye. They all seemed to know what a big deal this was somehow.
We set it for a little later in the evening so I could get things in proper working fashion up front of the house and then head over. Any of you who have worked in a restaurant know that smell you get. Kind of need to have worked in that environment to know I guess. So that night, I didn’t have time to head home then come back. So I had a change of clothes and a vanity bag so I could clean up in the back. Wouldn’t be the first time I got sprayed down by the dishwasher but probably a first for this reason. Cleaned up pretty well, freshly shaved and quaffed, walking so far above Cloud 9 I lost track of which one I was on. Headed out to put the work kit and bag in the truck. On the way out a few who knew what had been going on smiled or waved.
And off I went. I was a little late but she said she had expected it given the night of the week. Back then, downtown Denver was different. Colorado was different. I guess everywhere was different back then. But in this instance, I mean in an architectural way. You didn’t have the towers all around LoDo as you do now. From some rooftops you could still watch a sunset over the mountains. Say what you will, even I have to admit that a purple and orange sunset over the mountains is quite possibly the most beautiful natural thing I have seen. It is immense but oh so fleeting. Just like our lives I guess. You could still hear birds and bugs over cars at times. I wouldn’t say it was peaceful but it was at least calm?
She was lucky as her apartment, though smallish, came with a hidden bonus. Her window allowed her to access the roof on the next building. A part of it anyway. But this little slice of hidden wonder allowed a view down Market Street, across Spear, over Auraria and then the mountain view. It was stunning. Like the apartment, the space was just cozy enough for two to enjoy a little rooftop barbeque and dining. She gave me the quick tour and we poured some wine. She was going through the menu as we “headed outside”. The door was a small little window. I remember scratching my head and thinking I may not fit out there. She handled it with the grace of a ballerina and said I could do it. It took a minute or two but I contorted my clumsy self outside. And she was right. It was spectacular.
Not just the view but what she had done with her little corner of peace. She had talked with the building owner who agreed that she could use this space as he didn't even know about it. It was like something out of a commercial today. A nice little seating couch type niche. Well built trellis with some small Christmas lights for effect. A little brick grilling area with a hibachi going. I can still smell it. The table with candles and dinnerware. Decking. I was taken aback. The way it was situated insulated her from the sounds down below. You could hear them but it was almost like distant white noise. It was just peaceful. I remember remarking about this. She said she discovered it by accident when her son thought it might be a good play area.
Dinner was wonderful. The night went on. There wasn’t a sense of time. Just us there in that little part of the universe that was only hers. To this day I do not think I felt that safe before anywhere nor since. Someone was letting me into one of their most sacred spots. Literally and figuratively. I felt privileged. Almost as though I was treading somewhere I shouldn’t be. I think that thought was my downfall however. Don’t worry dear Reader, you will understand all that very soon. We watched that sunset. It was perfect. The right contrast of colors. Just the right amount of clouds to change those colors ever so slightly. A reminder of how something can change for the simplest of reasons.
As night grew darker it started to get cold. The goosebumps we were feeling on each other's skin holding hands and looking at the stars weren’t just from feelings. It was getting cool so we moved inside. After safely dousing the grill and making sure the coals were in their proper place, we cleaned up. Since it was easier, I stayed outside and handed them into the house to her. We figured it would be safer for the dishes. Giggled some more as we came to realize more and more things about each other at the same time. Finally the outside was clear. I stood outside for another minute to take in what was happening. I think that is then that little bit of fear weeded its way in without my realizing it. This was as close to perfect as I could ever dream I thought.
After squeezing back inside, assisted again but ok with that, we cleaned up the dishes and opened another bottle of wine. The inside was just as cozy. At some point she had lit some more candles and had some soft music going. Light jazz if I remember. Not loud at all. Again, there, just outside the periphery. Sitting on the couch I can feel her sitting next to me. We are close. Two people holding each other wanting to believe but not sure if this is real. There was almost a vibration. The constant goosebumps were not because of the cold anymore. Once we were both comfortable and we just talked. For hours and hours. There were the intimate moments but nothing scandalous. A tenuous kiss from one to the other.
We talked about what two people talk about who truly want to know the other. I believe we asked as many honest questions of ourselves as we did of the other. We really, truly, wholly wanted to know each other. And that is what we did. The more we talked the more comfortable we felt. Each of us had our scars that were not easily revealed. Nor did we reveal all of them that night and guarded them well. But we each wanted to know if the other was someone we could trust with those deepest places that we all hide in the darkest parts of our soul.
We talked a little about her son’s father but not in depth. It was easy to see that was one of the scars. We talked about her son. Why she was so astonished that first day. My heart wrenches this very moment dear Reader upon remembering that. Her hopes for him. His likes and his dislikes. Some of the stories parents tell others to embarrass their children later in life. We talked about what futures there could be not for us but for him and his world. He really was an amazing kid and I am sure has grown up to be someone she can be proud of. Time did not exist that night. Feelings and thoughts were exchanged that did not need to be said. We just knew each other that night.
We never did finish the second bottle if memory serves, we talked, laughed and sat together in peaceful comfort and gave no care about anything else. But tomorrow was coming as it always does and we had to leave each other. I remember the closeness as we held each other. The pressure of two bodies at that singular moment in time. That one instant that feels as though it could last through infinity. When two become one and feel the safety, love, compassion, trust and sameness that is rarely, if ever experienced.
Pardon me dear Reader but must ask a moment to compose myself. We are getting close to the end of my tale so also ask for just a bit more of your time. I know how so very precious it is. Thank you for allowing me to continue.
I do not know how long we held each other. To this day I wish it had been so much longer however. I do remember leaving. Working where I did, I was sadly but actively very familiar with many different levels and types of inebriation. That feeling that morning however was something that surpassed all that I had experienced in my life. I had never felt like this. I knew that the sun was starting to come up as I parked my car. I knew that I got through the door, downstairs and then fell asleep. I wasn’t drunk. It was pure. A pure love, happiness, joy and trust I had never felt from someone else. This feeling was so powerful it had knocked me for a loop that I just was not ready for.
I awoke later that day, thankful I didn’t have to work. It was late in the afternoon and I felt like I had been hit by a bus but didn’t care. I believe that the night before we both had excised many things that we had held inside for so long. I could (and can) still remember the whole night if not the words. I felt like one does after you give everything physically possible to something and have nothing left to give. But it felt right. Regardless of the ending, I do believe that, even though brief, that night, two people who had needed to find each other did. I think they needed to know that there was at least one person who understood, even if they hadn’t needed to actually say anything.
Now dear Reader I must ask you to remember that part about fear. Given my early life and life up to that point and to this day, I do find it very hard to trust. So this was something I had to confront. And so I started to. Instead of seeing what she saw in me, I saw the things I thought were ugly. I got scared that those scars would be peeled away and she would be repulsed. And these thoughts and fears grew. We still saw each other and talked for a while after that night. But my fear took over quickly. Before I knew it I had driven her away. There was no maliciousness about it. The thoughts that had ruled my life for so long before her and then after her, to this day, always got to the same thing. If you let her in, she will leave because of who you are. It was idiotic but it was ingrained at this point. I eventually told her I didn’t think it was going to work out. The truth was that I was scared. Scared to let her in. I hated myself for not being honest with her. She would have understood. Probably more than any other.
After that, I went on with my life as a young person does in that atmosphere. I saw her one time after that final talk. She waved as she and her son sat in a section away from mine. I waved back and remembered going out back and beating the hell out of our cooler there. I was so mad at myself then. While the anger passed as life threw one thing at me after another as it does until I find myself here today writing this, the pain of losing her has never healed. Nor do I want it to. That pain also brings memories that I so rarely experience anymore. I buried it for a long, long, long time but recently I find myself thinking about her and her son more and more. What would have been?
For you see dear Reader, that moment was my perfect chance. Not long ago in my life I was diagnosed with cancer. I eventually beat it but it has long since ruined my life. But that is not why I tell this tale. I ask for no sympathy. My life is where I am supposed to be. I have come to peace with that. To an extent I guess anyway. The reason it was my perfect chance is this. I was also diagnosed with a genetic defect which essentially makes me a cancer producer with no natural way to fight it. My mothers father died of colon and pancreatic cancer. My Mother has beaten 5 different bouts of cancer. I have been tested and confirmed. So if I had had a child, I would more than likely have passed that to them. After listening to what my mother watched her father go through. After watching my own Mother fight this monster 5 times and win each time. After all that I was horrified to learn that I could have passed this monster to someone I would have loved with all my heart.
I never married and never had a child. For most of my life I regretted that most of all to the point of shame. I am the last person in my familial lineage that will ever carry my name. My line dies with me. For the longest time that has been a great burden. However, after the geneticist confirmed me and a great deal of internal contemplation, with the aid of hindsight, part of me is glad that I never had a wife and child who would have to go through the horrors I have heard about, watched and gone through first hand and personally. That at least brings me a modicum of inner peace. Do not be fooled ever though. This monster is evil. It takes everything from all but the luckiest.
And I had my moment of perfect chance. Even though I did not know it at the time, I had an opportunity to spend the rest of my life with two someones who I truly believe to this day, loved me. Even if for so very briefly. I gave up the chance to be able to be a husband and care for someone I believe I loved and loved me. I had a chance to be the father I wanted to be without passing on my monster. To see a child grow into their best self. I get angry at times that I did this. Not necessarily my own selfish needs. I am also mad that this person trusted me and I couldn’t do the same in the end. That I let a child down who for his own reasons let me in when he shut others out. That we could have been the family we could have been. And I ran because I was scared. I can never forgive myself for doing that to them. This may sound selfish and perhaps it is but it is my history.
And now dear Reader we come to the end of my tale. Where it all began.
Her card.
I think you will understand why I put it away instead of taking it out after this. I mentioned that she was a designer. Her card is exquisite. I don’t need to see it to describe it. There is a silver cord ribbon wrapped around a waxed paper tied in a bow. It sparkles silver but is brittle after all the years. I can slide the card out carefully but don’t want to take a chance of damaging it. My hands aren’t the best anymore. The writing on the card is done with a most excellent penmanship in purple over white with black. The backing is white with the black used as border highlighting with purple as the border and main color. There is a bit of sparkle in one of the purples but not a garish amount. Just enough to catch the eye. The back is similar with details of her work at the time as well as some contact information. I don’t know if she did this on all of them, but there was a scent of her perfume that accompanied it for a while. It, like much else, has faded.
We all have a place to keep our most precious items. This one rarely leaves that place for me.
So in the really bad times dear Reader, I try to look at that card. I say try because it is very painful to try to do so. Today was one of those days and I wanted to share it. In the end I couldn’t get past the tears to look at it so returned it to its safety. Not really because of the pain. Believe me, the pain is there in vast amounts. But because of that first moment. I needed to remember what that feeling was like. I needed to remember what it is to look in another's eyes and see the whole universe and all its infinite possibilities. Some regrets, regardless of time, will always follow you. Be honest about that with yourself dear Reader. Today I needed to remember her and him. I needed that acceptance. That peace. That joy, That trust. That love.
This time however I needed to commit this to our history so that perhaps at least one other will read it and maybe it will impact somehow. This is not meant to be a moralistic tale. It is just a tale of love lost. A life that could have been different. I hope, dear Reader, that your life is filled with wonder and love. Do not miss a single chance in your life because of fear. Be cautious but be open. Your world is massive but also miniscule. The chances don’t happen often anymore so grab them and hold onto them when you can. Try to think of all possibilities and look through others' eyes. But most importantly. If you do find your perfect moment, do not let it go dear Reader. It may never come again.
That is the end of my tale. I thank you so much dear Reader. As I have said many times, your time is precious and I have taken enough. Safe journeys to you my friend.

Hi, all. I am an agnostic preacher’s kid (and sister, and one of my uncles is an evangelist) from A/G lineage. My family is heavily entrenched into the church (and I am the heathen with a secular job, tattoos, piercings, and I lived with my husband before marriage 😳). I haven’t attended church but maybe a handful of times since 2002, when I turned eighteen and insisted I would not go. I bring up concerts in my title because the first “secular” concert I attended was pivotal for me. I was already years into my “what do I ACTUALLY believe versus what do I feel I am SUPPOSED to believe journey” and being at a concert made me feel the emotions and feelings that a Holy Ghost charged worship service used to make me feel. Did anyone else experience this? If not, did you have any similar epiphanies?

Sorry about typos, I kinda just typed out this long winded rant.
My wife and I struggle immensely financially. Back in about mid-January, my wife was talking to her sister about our struggles. Her sister told her that she might be able to help us out.
When asked how, she gave the whole speech: My husband and I recently connected with a couple that are gonna walk away from their job at 26 years old, it blew our minds. We pursued them and convinced them to spend time with us, as a matter of fact they agreed to take us under their wings and right now they are in the process of coaching and mentoring us to change the way we make money so we can accomplish similar results in our life and so we can stop sacrificing our lives for a job.
Wife responded: wow that’s crazy, what is it they do?
Got the classic response: That’d be like an hour long conversation and honestly it’s not my information to give. But basically, they teach people how to change the way they make money so it works for them so they can walk away from their jobs and retire young and stop sacrificing their life for a job. If you and your husband are both interested, I’d be willing to put in a word with my mentors the next time we speak and see if they’d be willing to meet with you?
So my wife, understandably excited, asked me if I would be willing to sit down with this couple. Me being skeptical but supportive, I agreed. So we met with this couple over zoom, her sister and husband were in the call as well, and it was a pleasant meeting. Basically went over the themes of friendship and trust, which I can understand, so no real red flags. They gave us homework in the form of a book. So we get the book and read it and the next week we meet again, went over the book, glossed over kinda what this was all about, again no red flags. More homework in the form of annoying audios this time, meet again, get more into the theme of what the business would be like. In my mind it started to seem like a pyramid scheme but they explained it in a way that catered to my hope that it wasn’t. So my dumb money brain didn’t fire off any red flags. More homework again, audios and a board plan.
The board plan was one of the most awful things I’ve ever experienced in my life. Some random dude who has a lot of money stands up in front of a group of ecstatic individuals spouting off the most egregious tripe you’ll ever hear while people go nuts like animals. I was thrown off by the board plan and a lot of the stuff they said, but I told myself, if I could just put up with all of it then it’d pay off. So the next couple of meetings and homework goes as usual and we are finally extended an offer. We were beyond excited to get out there and start building our business. I immediately start talking to my friends and family and god dammit I wish I hadn’t. I managed to get some friends on board and even got some other friends and family to start buying from me. Oh and those board plans, they are EVERY week. You also get signed up on an app called Comminikate where you have to send “kates” aka audio messages every day to your upline and downline. You are told to prioritize it but your mentors barely even respond to you.
So, it’s time. The time all WWG people await for, the time go pay tribute to the holy mecca that is: The Spring Leadership Conference in Las Vegas.
Shortly before it was time to leave for Spring Leadership, my wife had some heavy mental health issues that needed to be treated, she signed up for treatment that would require her to not go to the function due the scheduling conflict. She broke down at the thought of not going to the function because she felt she would disappoint our mentors and her sister. I reassured her it’s fine and that her health was what was most important. She called her sister, crying, saying that she was gonna go get help but getting help would mean she would miss the function. Her sister and her husband had this to say: I know you are feeling down, but if you build the business, you will feel better!
I could NOT believe what I just heard. That was a major major fuckin red flag. I told my wife to ignore that and just to do her treatments. But this is a huge intentional asshole design by WWG, they tell you that you NEED to do certain things or you get basically get shit on. Like you HAVE to spend every free moment of you waking life pestering people in public about Amway. You HAVE to be at every board plan every week. You HAVE to go to every function in your local city. They literally said if you have a funeral on the same day as a board plan or function, then you go to the board plan/function, what’s the dead person in the coffin gonna offer you? Not financial freedom! My wife missed her own moms birthday to attend one of those stupid board plans.
So it’s time for the function and I road trip out there with a friend that had just launched his own business. And man, the amount of people there was insane. But even more insane, is so many people there but so very little succeed. I saw excited person after person and all I could think of is how they were most likely only going to ever break even.
The function was ass, I hated all of it, you basically watch con-man after con-man walk up on stage and talk about how much they love you and how wealthy they are for 40mins then leave. Again, everybody goes fuckin nuts. I had the biggest goddamn headache from sitting there and listening to the same two things all day: idiots talking on stage and idiots around me opening their XS cans only to have it explode EVERY TIME.
I come back from the function and my wife tells me she’s done and that she doesn’t wanna do this anymore. At the time, I was upset, because I pretty did everything myself. I’m the one who brought people on board, I’m the one who had to go to every board plan, I’m the one who got customers, I’m the one who did pretty much everything, and to hear her wanna quit after she basically did nothing upset me. But I hate myself for being upset, I shouldn’t have been. But I didn’t fight her on it and we closed shop. Only after closing shop did I feel this immense weight lift off my shoulders. But at the same time, I felt all the shame. I would have to tell my friends and family that we quit, and to me that was massively embarrassing, after everything I talked to them about, how great I thought all this was, only to turn around and say we quit. It just makes me so embarrassed. On top of all the debt I accrued from buying their stupid ass products, I am so regretful and I wish I had trusted my gut on this. The only reason I tossed away my instinct is because I saw my sister in law doing this and placed my trust in her, only to find out once all’s said and done, she was basically trying to capitalize off of me.
But here we are, 3:42pm on a Friday, work is out and I’m finishing writing this long winded rant. I get to actually spend time with my friends tonight instead of attending a dumbass board plan and I’m not worried about all my time spent NOT going out and bugging people in public to join or buy from Amway. I’m back to enjoying life again.
Thank you to my beautiful wife who saw me struggling mentally and being the one strong enough to pull the plug on this whole shitty experience. ❤️
Fuck WWG.

My hypothesis is that the D. initial was taken on by, or given to Lili through her secret partnership with Joyboy and the ancient kingdom.
A longstanding belief among people in the community is that the people who bear the D. initial are the descendants of the people ancient kingdom, stemming from professor Clover's speech what Corazon said about "The D are the enemies of the Gods."
The giant Jaguar D. Saul having the initial makes me wary of the idea that it's only passed down through bloodline, but I don't think it is necessarily proves that it's not the people of the ancient kingdom, since Saul's family could have been citizens of the ancient kingdom as well. However the Nefeltari D. Lili reveal clearly disproves that it is strictly the descendants of the people of the ancient kingdom that bear the D. initial, or more broadly, can bear the Will of D.
I want to acknowledge that Alabasta's participation in the alliance of 20 kings against the ancient kingdom has always rubbed me the wrong way. Thinking now, I'd bet she was always on the side of the ancient kingdom, but for some reason ( you could probably think of a lot of reasons) was outwardly working with the WG against them.
Either way, whether Lili was initially on their side, or only joined them later in the conflict, she and Alabasta ended up being a very vital partner to the ancient kingdom, by proliferating the poneglyphs and holding onto a very important one, while also passing down this letter to the rulers that would be present when Joyboy returns. A very important part of this letter is "fly the flag that heralds the world's eventual dawn."
In the very same chapter we, and Sabo are told about the Nefeltari's having the D. initial, Sabo thinks back to his conversation with Luffy and Ace as kids about the initial, where Luffy tells him he can have one too, jokingly calling him SaD.Bo. The next chapter, 1086, the Gorosei say Sabo has a checkered fate, and that there's no other way to explain why he's constantly surrounded by the people of the D.
Post Dressrosa, Law tells Sengoku his secret name, and Sengoku thinks to himself "Yet another one, the 'D' always follows a checkered fate." So this makes me think what the Gorosei said means they are heavily tying Sabo with the people of D, if not outright saying they're the same. Sabo is also very similar to Lili, a noble that turned down their claim to royalty and opposed the WG.
What makes me personally sure of the idea that Lili was given the initial through her partnership with Joyboy/Ancient Kingdom is the ending of Alabasta, literally the last page of the arc, one of the most iconic moments in the entire series.
https://imgur.com/a/WmeNKzo
To get past Bon Clay's devil fruit, they used the X hidden underneath the band to be the "sign of our fellowship" and prove they are connected even beyond that one situation, similarly to the Kozuki crest being present in the Whale Tree on Zou.
I think Vivi being the one to receive this from the Straw Hats is not a coincidence, and will reflect Lili getting the D. initial from Joyboy. The X in the page at the end of Alabasta is overlaid on the Strawhat flag. Think back to Lili's letter, the 2 things it mentioned were the poneglyphs and the flag that heralds the dawn of the world.
We know that at the end of the series, Luffy aka Sun God Nika will bring the world to it's Dawn, and his flag will be the flag that will take down the unending winter that the world government has held the world in for 800 years. Giant frozen Strawhat in the Holy Land Mary Geoise points to it being important symbolism.
To conclude, I think Lili was not born with the D initial, and was given it, which she then secretly passed down through Alabasta's royal family. Sabo is an example of someone who has received the Will of D. in the present tense, though not explicitly handed it by someone who knew what they were doing. Vivi is an example of this idea through her secret connection with the Strawhats, the X marking their fellowship, while being overlaid on the Strawhat flag on the last page of Alabasta.
I recognize that the Nefeltaris could have had the initial before Lili, and that it also calls into question why other allies such as the minks, the kozuki, and the fishmen don't have the D initial in their name. I do not have the answer to these questions. And also even if Lili was not the first Nefeltari to have the D. initial, I still think my point stands that it can be given (figuratively), and Sabo is the current day example of that. Let me know what you guys think and if there's more evidence for this idea.

https://old.reddit.com/IGSRep/comments/140k3q7/corncobsammys_igs_rep_page/
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